All comics by muzzlecroft

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by muzzlecroft
9-17-02
Informing the public is tough work.
So Let's talk about our new Demands: 1 "An end to all human rights violations." 2 "Reparations to Kuwait"....
There's going to be some tough questions.
Ummmm.... Wait I'm forgetting something...
Is your staff up to the job?
You forgot "Give us all your Oil."
Quiet you.

 

by muzzlecroft
9-18-02
So I've totally given up on bathhouse sex.
Bullshit. You love the baths.
True, but, I'm sick of picking up nasty parasites. Besides I always see the same pathetic, sex adicted losers when I go.
Fuck! Now who's going to split the room fee with me at TBRU?
Whoa! Hold on there bro. I said I gave up on going to the baths, not Bear Runs.
Hey! You're right. I'm not sure why I connected the two subjects... that's totally weird.

 

by muzzlecroft
9-18-02
So... just so you know, if you want to get together and fuck we can't do it here, cause I'm only 18 and I live with my mom.
BrlyStd365: Hey that's no problem. I'm 46 and I still live with My mom. But she's all cool about me bringing home tricks.
Woah, she sounds cool. Umm... just so you know, when we're doing it I'll be pretending that you're really my Dad. He left ten years ago
BrlyStd365: No way! Cause I'm going to be pretending that you're my 16 y/old ex-boyfreind. He left me 6 months ago.
wow. talk about your karmic G-Love connections.
BrlyStd365: Fuck! This is going to be hot!

 

by muzzlecroft
9-18-02
Dude, being a teenager is fucking harsh. I have to stay popular, get good grades, get into a good school, and try not to get the shit kicked out of me for wearing the wrong clothes. I want to die.
The sad thing is in a couple of years you're going to realize that none of that lame shit matters.
What the fuck?
It's true. Once you get out of highschool you don't have to give a shit about what other people think. You can focus on the shit that really matters: Buying cool stuff and getting laid constantly.
And you're completely certain that "What really matters" isn't going to change on you in another 10 years?
Impossible. That would mean I let the same thing that happend to my parents happen to me. How fucking stupid do I look?

 

by muzzlecroft
9-19-02
Some of you out there still haven't figured out that this not a frivolous war. I'm calling on every patriotic American to listen...
listen to my words and follow this shiny object with your eyes.....You are getting sleepy. Very Sleepy.
The government apears to be stealing all your best pickup lines, fearless roommate.
How many times have I told you that watching CNN will give you cancer?

 

by muzzlecroft
2-17-03
A plan to look at impractical furniture with freinds goes awry!
Alright, first off, I can't believe WE'RE going to some gay-ass interior design show, and on top of that I can't believe we're lost.
Dude, we're so not lost. We'll just follow the hordes of screaming queens attracted by the lure of avant guard window treatments. Like those three Faggots over there! They'll lead us straight to it.
And So...
You know I wasn't expecting this show to have such a motorized theme, and none of these displays are the least bit innovative.
You Idiot. This is a car show. Just cause those guys you followed were HOT doesn't mean they were GAY!
DAMNIT! HOW COME NONE OF YOU FAGGOTS ARE GOING TO THE DESIGN SHOW!
Clever. Now those three "Hot" guys are running straight at us. Think they dig your forcefull demenor or d'ya figure they just want to beat the shit out of us?

 

by muzzlecroft
2-17-03
For the love of God run!
*Gasp* Did we lose them?
*Pant* Nope. Here they come arround the corner.
Fly You fools!
Fuck! Ok, we're being chased by a mob of angry, auto enthusiasts. What do we do now?
Wait! I had a dream exactly like this once. I took off all my clothes and it turned into this really hot gang bang scene. ... That could happen in real life right?
Running Faggot, Running Freeee!
Hey, Leggo my arm! Where's your sense of adventure?

 

by muzzlecroft
2-17-03
Big J finally finds his way to the interior design show
It's about time. We've been calling you two for the last three hours. Where the hell have you been? Hey where's Skinny?
A bunch of insane motor geeks tried to murder us. They were chasing us but Skinny and I lost them when we ran into the big "No Iraq War" demonstration down town. We got seperated. I'm sure he's OK.
You led a pack of rabid car worshipers into a protest against oil plundering and you actually left Skinny behind?
What? Do you think something bad happend? Come on. What are a bunch of commie peace nuts gonna do to him?
God Damn, that is one hell of a kooky sofa over there
In breaking news an anti war demonstration outside the Metro Convention Centre has erupted into brutal violence. A police riot unit has been dispatched to teach those commie peace nuts a lesson!

 

by muzzlecroft
2-17-03
The Bloody Riot Is Finally Subdued
Look at this mess!
Jimbo If we hadn't been busted down to ticketing cars we could have been in the thick of this carnage.
*sigh* I miss the thrill of gassing idealistic citizens.
Any sane man would Jimbo, but it looks like we missed the whole riot. There's not a soul left arround. HEY WAIT. What about that confused guy over there! . Arrest him!
Oh my God, it's Skinny! Who saw that coming?
*SOB* I wet my pants!
Trying to resist arrest huh? Taste my truncheon.

 

by muzzlecroft
2-17-03
Menewhile back at the interior design show.
You won't believe what happend to me and Skinny today.
You know when I was a kid I thought the chorus to Ice Ice Baby went "Ice Ice Baby, Tickles! Tickles!." It was pretty embarrassing when some one told me they were actually saying "Too cold! Too cold!"
blame the writer.
You moron.
What? We're too sophisticated for non-sequiter humor all of a sudden?

 

by muzzlecroft
2-17-03
The Interior Design Expo Continues!
Okay, let's be honest. This design show blows. None of the designers here have any taste and all the displays are completly impractical
Are you tripping? What about the Bathroom exibit? I think it's totally daring.
What the hell is daring about an all in one shower/toilet combo. That's just idiotic.
Nahh, it's a space saver. This way you don't have to install a bidet. You just stand on your head and turn on the shower.
Actually that IS kind of daring
Practical too, cause if I had a Real bidet installed in my house I doubt I'd ever leave the bathroom.

 

by muzzlecroft
2-17-03
Bitterman has finally tracked down Skinny
Look, I came to get you out of jail but they set your bail at 5 grand.
AND!
Well I don't have 5 grand right now. Can't you tough it out another night?
Dude! You gotta get me out of here. You don't know what I've been through today. I got beat up by some psycho cop and I'm drenched in urine
I know you're trying to arrouse my sympathy, but Can you honestly think of a single situation where I wouldn't find either of those two experiences totally hot?
No! No! It's not like somebody else pissed on me. This is MY urine. THAT'S disgusting.

 

by muzzlecroft
2-18-03
Damn! I've got this feeling that I forgot something.
*bing* YOU HAVE RECIEVED AN INSTANT MESSAGE FROM UBERDADDY519: My wife just took the kids off to soccer practice. Get over here and sux my hot daddy cock!
Maybe you left the stove on?
UBERDADDY519: Hello? *Poke, Poke*
Maybe... Nah, that's not it.
UBERDADDY519: Look! How are we supposed to have a one sided, soul sucking relationship if you're not going to be around when I need you?

 

by muzzlecroft
2-19-03
meanwhile back at the ranch..
Alright, that completes the prepared portion of this interview. I'll field a few of your questions.
OOOHH! Over here!
If, like you say, the Iraqi people hate Saddam, and his generals know that We'll win if we invade, could this provoke an internal coup?
Sadly No. Iraq hungers for the kind of puppet government that only America can provide. Total war is our sole option here.

 

by muzzlecroft
2-23-03
The fetid stench of ill portent hangs in the air.
Yo, I got out of jail. No thanks to Your fat ass!.... Hey! Where the hell are you J?
I'm in the Basement. Go Away! I'm busy!
No doubt a shocking revelation is only moments away.
What the hell are you doing locked in the basement?
Nothing! Beat It!
Ahh late winter, when a young man's thoughts turn to illicit cloning technology
He'd never understand our forbiden love Evil Me
You have a hot ass Original Me.

 

by muzzlecroft
2-23-03
What are you hiding in the basement?
None of your fucking buisnes.
What are you hiding in the basement?
None of your fucking buisnes.
The writer would like to quell any fears you might have that he's trying to "stretch things out". Now stop listening to ugly rumors and go read some Garfield comics. -ed
What are you hiding in the basement?
None of your fucking buisnes.

 

by muzzlecroft
2-23-03
The interogation continues!
Is it a space alien? Escaped Criminal? Kyle Ray? Dead Body? An ugly trick?
No. No. No. No. NO!
Did you make a perfect duplicate of yourself so you could have sex with it?
What the.... How the hell did you figure THAT out?
Eh, It's written all over your face
You've been talking to the writer between strips haven't you?

 

by muzzlecroft
2-23-03
J's got a boyfriend! Jay's got a boyfreind! Jaaaayyy's got a booooyfreind!
no i don't. stop it. shut up
Jay and his clone. Sitting in a tree. Kay-Eye-Ess-Ess-Eye-En-Gee
AAAUUUGHH! Will you just knock it off and tell me whatever it is that's so important that you needed to drag me up here to hear it?
Oh right. I almost forgot to tell you..... I have a boyfreind.
Remind me to beat up Bitterman for bailing you out of prison.

 

by muzzlecroft
2-24-03
For real, yo. This time I'm not gonna puss out and bail. I'm a cruise, fucking, missile and I'm aimed at commitment city.
uh-huh
Should I assume from your tone that you are doubting my capaciy to love?
Well, not to rain on your parade or anything, but won't this requre you to experience actual human emotions?
What? I'm sure my humanity is still buried out there in the back yard where I left it. You don't think someone ran off with it do you?
Let's hope not. You left your self restraint out there too if I recall.

 

by muzzlecroft
3-05-03
With international opinion continuing to turn against war in Iraq, America's timetable for invasion is fast-tracking!
Our army is coiled like an asp, and we'll be sure to continue to give you up to the minute updates as we wait for it to SPRING!
Any... Any minute now.

 

by muzzlecroft
3-28-03
What's with that unusually humble look?
I had this evil Third Grade teacher who would always smack me on the back of the head to make me spit out my gum if she caught me chewing.
Yeah, so what?
Well, I wrote her a long letter today thanking her and detailing just how right she was.
Something tells me she's going to have a hard time identifying with a tale about how you had to spend 3 hours last night picking Bubble-Yum off your PA.
"A Gentleman never allows himself to be seen chewing like a cow when in the presence of a lady!"

 

by muzzlecroft
3-28-03
Ugh! Did you see what that fat pig did when he walked by just now? What an asshole!
Oh get over it. It happens all the time.
He eyed me like a peice of meat. I shouldn't have to put up with that. I feel so dirty. Like I've been incorporated into one of his sick masturbatory fantasies.
Um... Did you notice where his eyes rested when he was looking you over? Your hair, your purse and your shoes.
Are you trying to say that the snorting noise he made wasn't some sort of primitive sexual overture?
I think that noise was less of a "nice ass" snort and more of a "girl, you're not fooling anybody with that cheap-ass dye job and water bra" snort.

 

by muzzlecroft
3-28-03
And now let's go to our hourly update from ZAP! our imbeded reporter with the 365th cavelry
I wonder if there's any chocolate-chocolate-chip left in the fridge?
ZAP! We're hearing criticism of our field reporting. People think you've lost your objectivity.
Bullshit. This reporter isn't in anybody's pocket! But guess what? The General says if I'm really good, He'll let me drive one of the tanks. HOW COOL IS THAT?
I'm convinced! Let's look at global news. Today absolutely nothing happend except in Iraq. Oh wait, California fell into the ocean. Back to the WAR!
Mmmmmm. Delicious and sooooo bad for me.

 

by muzzlecroft
3-29-03
No, actually I'm from Canada. I hope you're not one of those Americans who's suddenly all "Fuck You Canada" just cause we're not all fired up about your little war.
Ready2Rock- I wouldn't worry so much. Most of those idiots are too busy pissing and moaning about France to even think about Canada.
Cool. :)
Ready2Rock- I bet you and I wouldn't see eye to eye on this issue, but at least you HAVE an opinion. I think that's still alowed here. :p Once this is over Canada and the U.S. will still be freinds.
You know it feels more like we're siblings than freinds.
Ready2Rock- Heh! Like you love us and all but sometimes you have to flush the toilet when we're in the shower?

 

by muzzlecroft
9-16-03
Do you really think you can use racist epithets like calling Arabs "Ragheads" and not catch flack for it? If I called you a "Warmonger" You'd start a self rightious flame war.
LetsRoll911: "Raghead" is not a racist epithet it's an ethnic slur! If I called you a "Pillow Biting, Fat-Fuck, Faggot" that would be an epithet!
What if I called you "Ignorant Redneck Dogfucker?" Which would that be?
LetsRoll911: What if I went over to your house and jammed my rifle in between your teeth?
What if I called a sanitarium and had you commited?
LetsRoll911: Hey, let's not get personal! I'm banning you from my site!

 

by muzzlecroft
10-05-03
all dialoge has been translated from what was said to what was meant. (Sorry Randy)
*complete inability to relate to your feelings*
*attack on your manhood*
*Heterosexist attitutes about gay men's ability to relate to women's problems*
*Simpathy and a relentless need to live vicariously through gossip*
*Heterosexist attitutes about gay men's ability to relate to women's problems*
*Sympathy and thinly veild references to how much better I'm likely to be at giving head than your girlfreind*

 

by muzzlecroft
10-05-03
I love you.
No, I love You!
I have kids.
I love you.
Don't touch me.

 

by muzzlecroft
10-05-03
So, this is a pic of Skinny and I at Niagra Falls and that one's a pic of us at the Beach and this is a pic of Skinny on his birthday and here's .... um ..... um...
*bing*, *bing*, *bing*
I'm guessing that's a naked picture of Skinny that you put in the wrong folder.
Boyfiend's attempts to tell his daughter all about the guy he's dating goes a little too well.
um...right.
*bing*

 

by muzzlecroft
10-05-03
Boyfiend's daughter finally meets Skinny!
Do you think you'd make a good Daddy?
No.
Allright let's cut to brass tacks. You can bleed him dry for all I care but stay the Fuck away from my College fund!
Listen kid I suck on a lot of your dad's things but his bank account isn't one of them.

 

by muzzlecroft
10-05-03
Listen, I can't be a second father to you because I don't know how. Hell, I can barely take care of myself.
So what good are you?
Well, I can suffocate you with over-attention and transplant my self-dout and neuroses into your impressionable mind.
That's okay. I've already got two moms. I don't need another.
Are you sure? Cause you seem pretty happy and carefree. Maybe someone needs to pick up the slack here.

 

by muzzlecroft
10-17-03
I love you
This is moving too fast. I'm too immature to deal with something this intense. The L word could only confuse me and scare me away.
Nice try, but I still love you.
Shit. Look, why don't we just back track a little to a level of intimacy we're both comfortable with.
And where exacty would that be?
Remember when we were having sex like animals but hadn't actually spoken to each other? I was totally comfortable there.

 

by muzzlecroft
2-14-04
We rejoin our heroes at the CNE
*sigh* Yet another design show. Why do we always go to these things?
A home is a project that is never complete.
Uh-huh. We don't even have room for the stuff we have now. I think our home is as complete as it's gonna get.
Listen, I go to design shows for the same reasons you waste your time and money on comic books and video games. Lay off.
... You go to design shows because in three years I'll be 30, and you just don't want to think about it?
Pretty much.

 

by muzzlecroft
8-09-04
Welcome to Red Bank. How may I help you.
Yeah, I want to leave my Credit Union now that I'm in a large city. I'm looking for something more convenient.
It's important for us to have proof that we can trust you. Have you ever had an account with a real bank or taken out a major credit card?
Nope.
Okay, if you go to the door on your right, marked SCUM, a hooded man will flog you and take a dump in you mouth. Then I'll set up an account with long holds on your cheques. How does that sound?
Sounds convenient.

 

by muzzlecroft
8-09-04
So, for our girls' night out we went, get this, to a STRIP CLUB! Well, we all had way too many daquaris and you just have no idea how bad we were! You just have NO idea.
Yesterday I went to Piss Night at the Toolbox. I had thirteen guys piss on me while I fisted a stranger's asshole and took another guy's hot load in my mouth.
I want to tell you how much your life uspets me but saying it to your face would make me feel guilty
That's okay. I shouldn't tell you that you make me sick to my stomach but lying would make Me feel guilty.

 

by muzzlecroft
8-10-04
I just don't see why you're so down on yourself about this job hunt. You're smart and talented and you've got a degree. That's more than some people have.
Oh please! That degree has done a fat load of nothing for me. It's useless. I should burn it. I've got the same things going for me as any other jerk on the street.
Think about all the novel things you were exposed to while you were in school. There are people of lesser means that will never have those kinds of experiences.
What? You mean there are people in the ghettoes that can't get their hands on a copy of "The Low End Theory" ?
That's right Skinny. Your love of A Tribe Called Quest is going to be SO vital to getting you a job
I had no idea. I've never been so ashamed of my white privilage.

 

by muzzlecroft
8-11-04
Late one night a blood curdling cry of despair draws Lil' Jay down to the basement.
Dude! It's, like, 3 am. What's all the yelling about?
NOOOOOOOOOOOO! I Don't Believe It! I Don't Fucking Believe It!
Let me guess, while you were in Montreal your stupid sex clone ran off on you.
Yes, but first he made another duplicate of himself and they ran off together.
Ouch.
I just don't get it. I had Bitterman keep his food and water dishes full while I was away. I mean what more did he expect?

 

by muzzlecroft
8-11-04
Okay, so your sexy, sexy clone duplicated himself and ran off to Malibu. So what? Just make a new clone.
Thisisn'thappening. I don't WANT a new clone. Thisisn'thappening. Thisisn'thappening. Thisisn'thappening.
It's really not like you to get this attached to someone. You weren't ... um... in love with him were you?
I Don't GET Dumped! I DUMP Other People!
You know, when you say that it makes me think you're missing the delicious irony here.
LOOK AT ME! I'M GORGEOUS! I DON'T DO IRONY!

 

by muzzlecroft
8-11-04
I Declare a Road Trip!
You know it's polite to knock.
I'm going on the road to hunt down my evil clone and I'm taking you with me as a sort of comic foil.
I have four conditions. While on this Road Trip we are never to do the following 1. Take Halucenogenic Drugs 2. Get Lost In The Desert 3. Meet Jesus 4. Learn The True Meaning Of The Blues.
Dude! We did all that last summer!
My point exactly! I think our time will be best spent getting loaded and have sex with total strangers. That never gets old

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