All comics by barcodeking

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by barcodeking
1-20-03
What the Hell?!
Buccaneers are in the Super Bowl

 

by barcodeking
1-21-03
No blood for oil! No blood for oil! No blood for oil!
Do you drive a car?
No, man! I ride my bike, so I won't use any oil and line Bush's pockets!
That's only DIRECT usage. Did you know that everything you eat or drink or buy is shipped to the stores in a big, diesel-burning truck?
That's other people's stuff, man. I only shop at places that get deliveries by oxcart.
Arianna Huffington, call your office!

 

by barcodeking
1-22-03
Man, it sucks living in Bush's fascist Amerikkka! Ashcroft's goons are hiding behind every tree, waiting to violate our rights!
I heard the cops gunned down dozens of peace protesters in cold blood in D.C. and S.F. the other day, and dragged hundreds more off to prison camps in Idaho.
Dude! I didn't hear about that!
Of course you didn't. The mainstream media is covering it up! They're part of the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy™, you know! Only IndyMedia will tell you the truth!
Man, that's scary. My nerves are shot! Let's go to Starbucks and get some coffee.
Kewl! We can smash their oppressive capitalist pig plate glass windows on the way out!

 

by barcodeking
1-23-03
UNMOVIC HQ, Baghdad:
I just KNOW Saddam has WMDs hidden in that palace. But they always know we're coming, so they hide the stuff or move it out before we can get inside.
Maybe you need a disguise. Then they wouldn't know you were an arms inspector. You could go in and look around to your heart's content while they were off guard.
Do you think that would work?
Sure! I know just the thing! I saw it once on an American TV show. Here is what you say when you get there: [whisper whisper]
At Saddam's Palace:
Candygram for Saddam Hussein...
We don't want any -- AIIEEE!! LANDSHARK!! AIIEEE!! RUN AWAY!! RUN AWAY!!

 

by barcodeking
1-23-03
Heaven
So Henry Ford dies and gets to Heaven. I meet him at the Pearly Gates. He wants to know if he gets any choice of robe color.
God tells him he can have his robe in any color he wants, as long as it is white.
They both have a pretty good laugh about that. Then God wants to know what Henry did with His dinosaurs... I hear Henry's getting out of Purgatory in a century or two.

 

by barcodeking
1-24-03
Ever notice that history's most evil dictators have mustaches? Hitler had one. So did Stalin. Saddam has a mustache. George W. Bush has a mustache...
George W. Bush does NOT have a mustache!
Well, he should. Besides, my mind is made up. Don't try to confuse me with the facts!
That's ridiculous. Next you'll tell me that anyone with a beard is a Communist!
Wow! You may be onto something! Karl Marx, Vladimir Lenin, Leon Trotsky, Che Guevara, Ho Chi Minh, Fidel Castro: They all had beards!
So did Al Gore when he came out of hibernation last year. And don't forget that pinko Abraham Lincoln!

 

by barcodeking
1-24-03
After the Awards Show
I really dug that T-shirt you wore to the awards ceremony, Sheryl.
Gee, thanks, Viggo.
It really made her tits look good!
The son of a bitch was looking at my tits!
My "No Blood For Oil" shirt was kind of sloppy and amateurish... Sort of like my thinking about Iraq.
Well, we can't ALL be Rhodes scholars like Sean Penn and me...

 

by barcodeking
1-25-03
Somewhere in Europe
Herr Schroeder, did you hear what zat evil Mr. Rumsfeld called us ze other day?
Ja, Monsieur Chirac, I heard. Dat dummkopf had der nerve to refer to us as "Old Europe!"
Zat's merde! It makes me zo angry! If we had a military, I might zhust declare war on zose unilateralist Americans!
If ve really vere der "Old Europe," ve BOTH vould! Dat vould show those varmongering cowboys!
You know, I like you zo much better since you became a vegetarian back in '45.
I'm chust glad dat dere aren't any VEASELS available for dis schmartass cartoonist to use! By the vay, how are tings going in der Ivory Coast?

 

by barcodeking
1-26-03
UNMOVIC HQ, Baghdad:
Herr Schultz, you were the driver when that Iraqi man tried to defect yesterday?
Ja, he was yelling some crap about "I am unjustly treated!" What a crybaby!
You're on report. You screwed up, and it's all over the press now. You shouldn't have stopped. Next time, run them over! That's why you drive an SUV, you know!
Jawohl, Herr Blix! Oh, by the way, I just heard a joke from our "peacekeepers" in the Congo...
It's embarassing when we have to drag defectors out by their hands and feet and turn them over to the local secret police. People might think we aren't really humanitarians.
"Q: If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat? A: Pygmies."

 

by barcodeking
1-27-03
A Message From "Old Europe"
Bonjour. I am Jacques Chirac and zis is mon ami, Gerhard Schroeder, with a message for you Americans:
Your cowboy President Bush has already wrecked your economy and now he vants to invade Iraq and wreck the economies there and in Europe.
He wants to put French companies out of business for trying to help ze Iraqis in zeir search for peaceful *COUGH* uses for ze atom.
And he vants to harm German companies who vere only trying to help the Iraqis attain *COUGH" better living through chemistry. No veapons dere. Ve see nussink, nussink!
And zink of all ze unemployment Bush would cause in Iraq! All of zose poor official Iraqi state torturers and rapists out of work!
Ja, tink of someone else besides yourselves for vonce, you selfish bastards!

 

by barcodeking
1-27-03
Not Weasels.
I'm a squirrel.
I'm a rabbit.
Also Not Weasels.
I'm a horse.
I'm a bear.
Jacques and Gerhard... Never mind.
What ze hell are you looking at?
Ja, vot the hell are you looking at?

 

by barcodeking
1-28-03
At my house:
Who the heck are you?
The Austro-Hungarian Empire.
You've got to be kidding me.
It didn't seem fair for the French and Germans to get to hog the "Old Europe" limelight.
And there was that hadrosaur character just begging to be used...
"Put me in, Coach - I'm ready to play today; Look at me, I can be Centerfield."

 

by barcodeking
1-28-03
Bee-Witched
"Samantha, I DEMAND you get your mother here RIGHT NOW and make her turn me back!"
"Keep your stripes on, Darren!"
T.J. Hook
"Cuff him. Then wash your hands."
Mr. Shatner, you're under arrest for piracy and bad acting. You have the right to remain silent...
And, uh, Rocky and Bullwinkle
"Hey, Rocky! Watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat!"
Bullwinkle, Christmas is over! You can take the fake nose off now!

 

by barcodeking
1-29-03
Public Service Announcement:
Hallo! I am Gerhard Schroeder, und dis is my friend, Jacques Chirac, for der Veasel Anti-Defamation Zociety.
Bonjour! We have been asked to speak to you on behalf of a misunderstood minority group: Weasels.
Weasel Anti-Defamation Society
"Der veasel is a noble creature, zoaring high over der mountains und der forests, protecting der veak und defenseless..."
Are you sure zat's right, Gerhard? Zat zounds more like ze Aigle Americain.
Support the W.A.D.S.!
Dose sneaky veasels have geschmutzt my script!
Zo what were you expecting, hmmm? Zey're weasels!

 

by barcodeking
1-30-03
This meeting of the "I Don't Believe That Scott Peterson Had Anything To Do With Laci's Disappearance" Group will come to order...

 

by barcodeking
1-30-03
Tony Blair Visits Washington
Tony! Welcome to the White House. It's not Crawford, but it's a nice enough spread.
Thank you, George. Quite nice to be here.
I think you ticked those Frenchies off, Tony. They've gone and changed their word for weasels to "Blaireaux."
You don't say! Those cheeky surrender monkeys!
Not like I want to sound like I'm intercontinental or anything...
You probably don't even want to KNOW what a "Busheaux" might be!

 

by barcodeking
1-31-03
Akron Jail, Monday Night
So, what are YOU in for?
Kidnapping, aggravated menacing and gross sexual imposition.
Say WHAT?!
I threatened a co-worker and made her strip naked and walk around in front of the other employees. I was four days away from retirement at the post office.
Four days from retirement?! Dude, that's insane! You one crazy mofo!
Yeah, that's what my lawyer and the voices in my head want me to say...

 

by barcodeking
2-01-03
On MSNBC's "Donahue":
Admit it, Neal Boortz! You're evil right-wing scum! Why can you be a nice pacifist liberal, like me?
Must - resist - brainwashing!
Donahue turns on his special "Mind Control Ray"
Resistance is futile! You will be assimilated! All will become Donahue! Bwahahahaha!
Brain - circuits -overloading... Mayday! Mayday!
Where did he go? Why did Boortz walk out? Oh well, it doesn't matter. Soon everyone will think like WE do! Bwahahahaha!
j7&8kd9( h$,Axs/ [eMd@jgH 7)6fd Uye4(lbn+e,^ i#khTbsd_0d pzQu&#he8{ w>6Wx|T

 

by barcodeking
2-01-03
December 16, 1998. Somewhere over Baghdad:
Our plans are almost complete, Commander Xorb. The Masters will be pleased when we conquer this planet.
The pitiful natives cannot match our advanced technology, Gleeg. It will be an easy victory.
We have chosen this large but insignificant city they call Baghdad for an object lesson, so that they will capitulate quickly.
Prepare the destructor beams, Gleeg!
Meanwhile...
President Clinton, they're going to impeach you tomorrow!
Fire some missiles off at Iraq to distract Congress's attention. I'm going to beat this thing!

 

by barcodeking
2-01-03
December 16, 1998. Somewhere over Baghdad:
Commander Xorb, incoming missiles detected!
That's impossible! Get the shields up, you fool!
Not in time...
AAAAAAAARRGGHH!!
We're going to crash!
The alien ship crashes in the desert.
Gleeg, somebody's going to pay for this!

 

by barcodeking
2-01-03
December 16, 1998. The desert outside Baghdad.
I am Commander Xorb. Take me to your leader.
Allah be praised, that's trite!
Everyone's a literary critic. Just take me to your leader.
And if I don't?
Next question?

 

by barcodeking
2-01-03
December 16, 1998. Outside one of Saddam's palaces.
I am Commander Xorb. Take me to your leader.
He's not here.
I have a disintegrator ray gun, and I know how to use it.
You couldn't have just knocked?

 

by barcodeking
2-01-03
December 16, 1998. Saddam's palace grounds.
I am Commander Xorb. You are the leader of this planet?
I am Saddam Hussein, Great Leader of Iraq and of the Arab nation, soon to be conqueror of the infidels.
You don't look much like a leader to me.
I'm in disguise, so that the CIA won't assassinate me.
So, do you have any idea who shot down my spacecraft?
It was that guy in Washington who can't keep his rocket in his pants, Bill Clinton!

 

by barcodeking
2-01-03
December 16, 1998. Saddam's palace grounds.
So how about this: I'll allow you to reverse-engineer my spacecraft if you'll help me fix it.
And you'll help us with the technology for the destructo beam so that we can both pay back the Americans.
Excellent. It's a deal.
Do you know anything about bio-engineering?
And that's the true story, according to Pravda.ru.
My race has forgotten more about biotechnology than your pitiful race has ever learned.
Do you think you can create some scorpions the size of cows that we can use as watchdogs?

 

by barcodeking
2-01-03
Eternal rest grant unto them, O Lord;
and let perpetual light shine upon them.
Requiescant in pace. Amen.

 

by barcodeking
2-03-03
On-Line Singles Connection
Here's one for you: "Dominant icy beauty with exotic Deep South charm seeks generous man. Are you man enough to handle this chick?"
Kewl! Is there an address?
234 Oak Street... But wait a second... It says here that she has... Oh, crap! He's already gone!
Flippers.
Marmalard, you're a dead man.
You've been very, very naughty, haven't you?!

 

by barcodeking
2-04-03
Hello, you've reach Dial-A-Penguin-Joke.
A penguin is on vacation, driving across Arizona, when his car breaks down.
He gets it towed to a garage. The mechanic tells him it will be a while. The penguin goes next door and finds an ice cream shop.
The penguin buys a vanilla ice cream cone. In the desert heat, it melts more quickly than he can eat it, and drips all over his face and chest, making a terrible mess.
The penguin goes back to check on his car. The mechanic looks up from the engine and says, "It looks like you blew a seal."
"No, No, it's ICE CREAM! It's ICE CREAM!" cried the penguin.

 

by barcodeking
2-05-03
At My House
I've got to come up with an idea for a new cartoon.
Colin Powell: "Iraq is failing to disarm. Iraq is not cooperating with the U.N. weapons inspectors."
I wonder if there's anything important happening in the world today?
"Iraq is in material breach of Resolution 1441. Here is factual evidence of all the horrible things the Iraqis are doing."
Yeah, apparently so!
"Is the U.N. going to be irrelevant or are you going to help us kick Saddam's ass?"

 

by barcodeking
2-06-03
Oslo, Norway: Computer Glitch Summons 106-Year-Old Ingeborg Thuen to Start School
Is this the place where we catch the school bus?
Ja, sure! I'm Holly.
I'm Ingeborg. The last time I started school was a hundred years ago in 1903. I had to walk an hour each way.
And they're making you go back?
They say that the computer is always right, so I must be wrong about my age.
I just hope they're not using that computer to grade our tests!

 

by barcodeking
2-07-03
Germany, Heart of Old Europe
"Secretary Rumsfeld, what kind of cooperation can we expect from other nations in the event of a war in Iraq?"
None from us, dot's for sure! Nothing is vorth going to var over!
"Well, Congressman, there are several I consider supportive and others I think might come around to backing the operation."
Only a bunch of lapdogs like Tony Blair! Ve and the French are not your poodles, Herr Rumsfeld!
"And then there are three or four countries that have said they won't do anything. I believe Libya, Cuba and Germany are the ones that I have indicated won't help in any respect."
LIBYA und CUBA! GOTTERDAMMERUNG! Is dot any vay to talk about a loyal ally like Germany?! Is dot any vay to talk about a reliable alliance partner!

 

by barcodeking
2-07-03
Congratulations to Mary on her release from the Pokey! Here's a limerick in her honor...
"Two dons named Bendover and Snipe"
"About Mary D had a gripe;"
Recited by Mr. Bendover (L) and Mr. Snipe (R)
"For she wrote vicious truths"
"About unruly youths"
Dicks!
"And also two B. S. asswipes!"
She was so mean to us!

 

by barcodeking
2-08-03
Colin Powell Talks to the UN
"Here is proof of all the ways that Iraq is in violation of UNSC Resolution 1441."
Well, that was convincing. Only someone completely delusional wouldn't believe that evidence.
Or "Old European"
"Here is proof of all the ways that Iraq is in violation of UNSC Resolution 1441."
Lies and fabrications from ze CIA! What kind of fools do zey take us for?
Or... Delusional.
"Here is proof of all the ways that Iraq is in violation of UNSC Resolution 1441."
I'm more afraid of George W. Bush than I am of Saddam Hussein! It's all a plot by the Bushies to enrich the military-industrial complex!

 

by barcodeking
2-08-03
Brainstorming in Old Europe...
Zo, Gerhard, try zis on for size: We have U.N. peacekeepers occupy all of Iraq. We triple ze number of weapons inspectors.
Ja, Jacques, gut idea! Ve declare der entire country a "no fly" zone und have der U.N. fly lots of reconnaissance flights to ensure compliance.
Zen we sign agreements with all of Iraq's neighbors to crack down on ze oil smuggling. Voila, we have ze peace!
It's zo reasonable. I'm sure dot Saddam Hussein vill agree. Und ve know how faithfully he keeps his bargains, ja?
"Germany and France announce plan for Iraq designed to avoid war, including the deployment of U.N. soldiers across Iraq, reconn flights and tripling the number of inspectors."
Damn, they must have some good weed over there in Old Europe! I want some of whatever shit they're smoking, man!

 

by barcodeking
2-09-03
In Jolly Old England
Ho, Colin, wot's that on yer fore'ead, mate?
It's a semi-permanent tattoo, Iain! They're payin' me ten quid a day to wear it!
Ten quid a day? Blimey! 'Oo's payin' that much for that?
It's the idea of some ad agency named "Cunning Stunts." 'Ey, if kids'll wear a Nike swoosh on their chest, why not a tattoo on their fore'eads?
Right-o, chum, but isn't it a spot embarrassing wearing one for Viagra?
Are you kiddin'? The birds at the pubs are eatin' it up with a spoon! I just tell 'em I don't really NEED it, wink, wink, nudge, nudge, say no more!

 

by barcodeking
2-10-03
Only 50% of Americans favor Iraq war without U.N. approval
See! You can't have a war without U.N. approval! The polls say so!
Why should we care about what the U.N. thinks? The U.N. is a joke! Most of the countries are run by dictators!
It is not! They're humanitarians, dude! They do good things!
Like having U.N. peacekeepers standing idly by in Srebenica and Rwanda while genocide takes place right under their noses?
Serba-what-za? Rwanda? Never heard of them. Are they near Iraq? Oh, gotta run, man, it's time to watch the new "Survivor: Iraq." They have two tribes of human shields...
Why am I not surprised? Let's just say that any organization that has Qaddafi's Libya in charge of human rights is a bad, bad joke.

 

by barcodeking
2-11-03
At My House
Hey, watch where you're walking! You almost stepped on me!
Who the heck are you? And more importantly, WHAT the heck are you?
I represent mighty Belgium, the newest member of the Old Europeans! And I am a compsognathus.
Ah, the world's smallest dinosaur; only as big as a rabbit. Good choice, Belgium.
Are you making fun of me? No chocolate for you! No chocolate for you!
How do you make a Belgian waffle? As him to live up to his treaty obligations.

 

by barcodeking
2-12-03
Coming soon on CBS! It's "Survivor: Iraq!" Unlike previous "Survivor" shows, this one will be live, not taped! The danger won't be fake, it'll be real!
Excellent!
16 human shields will be divided into two tribes. They'll face various challenges, and then one by one, they'll be voted out of the bunker!
Kewl!
The winner gets one million Iraqi dinars ($460) and the chance to remain in the bunker with Saddam or one of his look-alikes until the war is over!
Wow... Such a deal. Can they throw in a dream date with Uday as well?

 

by barcodeking
2-13-03
At My House
Man, I love the "Oddly Enough!" news! There's always some kind of kooky story.
Here's one about a Danish guy who's in jail for stealing 32,000 dried pig ears from a company that makes pet treats. Obviously this one wasn't committed by a Muslim!
The story ends, "In some countries, pig ears, along with chicken feet, duck tongue and yak testicles are considered a delicacy by humans. In Denmark, they're not."
"Yak testicles"?!

 

by barcodeking
2-14-03
Anti-Drug Commercial
"If you buy drugs, you might be giving money to terrorists!"
Dude! That is so lame! I haven't killed enough brain cells yet to believe that crap!
Anti-SUV Commercial
"If you drive an SUV, you might be giving money to terrorists!"
Gee, my SUV supports terrorists, but your limousine and private jet don't, Arianna?
News Item: Chicago Muslim charity director pleads guilty of giving money to al-Qaeda.
"If you donate money to Muslim charities, you might be giving money to terrorists."
No shit, al-Shirlaq!

 

by barcodeking
2-15-03
Blix and ElBaradei Report to UN
We haven't found anything. And Iraq looks like they possibly might cooperate soon. Maybe. Perhaps.
Boobada-boobada (Translation: "Yeah, what he said."
At the Axis of Weasels table, Dominique de Villepin replies:
"In zis temple of ze United Nations, we are ze guardians of an ideal, ze guardians of a conscience."
Jawohl! Was er sagt! (Translation: "Yeah, what he said."
"Ideals"? "Conscience"? Richard Perle doesn't buy it:
French oil giant TotalFinaElf has exclusive exploration contracts worth €60-75bn to develop 2 massive oilfields in southern Iraq. The contracts are "extraordinarily lopsided" in favor of TotalFinaEl

 

by barcodeking
2-16-03
North Korea
The Dear Leader says we should "burn with hatred" against American imperialists!
Well, since we don't have any firewood or fuel oil, maybe that will let us keep warm!
You go first!
Okay! Then it's your turn.
I feel warmer already.
Next we'll look for grass to make some soup.

 

by barcodeking
2-17-03
Did you see that Mike Tyson has a boxing match coming up on Showtime in a few days?
It doesn't look like it's going to happen.
Why not?
They said he's got a bad back, the flu, and a new tattoo on his face might be giving him problems, so the fight will probably be cancelled.
Inside joke. Hint: "Snow Crash"
Tattoo on his FACE?!
Yeah, I think it says something like "POOR IMPULSE CONTROL."

 

by barcodeking
2-18-03
At the E.U. Summit, Monsieur Chirac is irked with the Eastern European representatives:
It is not really responsible behavior. It is not well brought up behavior. They missed a good opportunity to keep quiet.
Romania and Bulgaria were particularly irresponsible to do it when their position is really delicate. If they wanted to diminish their chances of joining Europe they could not have found a better way.
Romania and Bulgaria not in Europe? Apparently M. Chirac needs a new Michelin atlas.
After all, L'Europe, c'est moi!

 

by barcodeking
2-19-03
News item: Penis extensions are the top cosmetic surgery treatment for British men
Ho, mate, yer walkin' kind of gingerly.
I'm recovering from surgery. Had me willie lengthened.
You don't say!
I wanted the doctor to lengthen it to 30.5 cm but he said he could only lengthen it to 28 cm.
Yank metric humor.
Whyzzat?
Because if it was 30.5 cm, then it would be a foot!

 

by barcodeking
2-20-03
Tyson!
Jackson!
What are you guys arguing about?
Which Mike is the freakiest. I say it's the tattoo-faced cannibal, Mike Tyson.
And I say it's the King of Plastic Surgery, Michael Jackson.
Either way, I DON'T wanna be like Mike!

 

by barcodeking
2-21-03
News Item: Snow banks on Mars could support life, scientists say
Our Martian scientists think that there might be life on the Blue Planet, Xorb.
Oh, come on, Gleeg! We all know that it's too hot for anything to live there! And that thick soupy atmosphere and all of that liquid water... Impossible!
Shouldn't the sky be pink if this is Mars?
Hey, he can only use the backgrounds they give him!

 

by barcodeking
2-22-03
In a Cave in Waziristan
We can't keep up the pretense much longer. They want to see video to prove he's still alive. We're going to have to kill him off.
How about having him talk about martyring himself in the next tape? "Dying in the belly of the eagle," or something like that?
Zawahiri, that's brilliant! Tell the audio boys to start searching for those words on the old tapes.
Hey we've milked it for all it's worth. We've kept a corpse "alive" for a year and a half, but sometimes you just have to let go... I hear the Russians are talking about burying Lenin, too.

 

by barcodeking
2-22-03
Sports: Tyson knocks out Etienne in first round of match
Well, that was anticlimactic, wasn't it?
Yeah, the folks at Showtime are probably tearing their hair out.
Know how long it takes to make tomato soup?
How long?
49 seconds if the tomato can's name is Etienne.
"Is it soup yet?"

 

by barcodeking
2-24-03
North Korea
The party newspaper says that we must redouble our courage and sing the revolutionary song loudly in the confrontation if the Americans attack!
The wisdom of the party cannot be questioned!
The song's title is "Long Trip for Army-based Leadership" and the newspaper says that it will fill imperialists and enemies with mortal terror!
What does the party television station say?
Well, if we had any electricity to power televisions, I'm sure that it would say the same thing!
All hail the Dear Leader! Let's go find some bark and leaves for lunch.

 

by barcodeking
2-25-03
North Korea (Again)
I heard that the Dear Leader greatly enjoys watching Western films, like those of James Bond. I think he finds them inspiring.
He is much wiser than the Hollywood capitalist running dogs.
Many of his greatest ideas are inspired by those films.
He takes them so much further than the pygmy minds of the imperialists could ever think of going.
So what do YOU think is in those new "Soylent Red Star" wafers, anyway? Some people think it's pork, others think it's turkey...
All I know is that it DOESN'T taste like chicken!

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