All comics by squidrabies

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by squidrabies
8-03-02
We're friends, right? If I tell you something, you don't be mad, right?
Of course I won't be mad. You can tell me anything, pal. Just spit it out.
Okay... well, I have something to confess. I'm not very proud of what I did, but I did it and I'm ready to face the consequences
OW! Why do I feel such unbearable pain when I turn toward you?! OWIE!
I nailed your cock to the wall.
No, I like it.

 

by squidrabies
8-03-02
He hasn't called. Should I call him? Would I seem desperate? Why hasn't he called? He said he would call and he hasn't called. Should I call him?
MEANWHILE...
I AM PROGRAMMED TO DESTROY. I WILL DESTROY YOU WITH MY MIGHTY ROBO-CLAWS.
I don't like the sound of that.
Wait a minute, that isn't a real phone, it's just painted on the wall. I'll get you, telephone company.

 

by squidrabies
8-03-02
Insane tentacle eating bug coming through. Make way for totally insane tentacle eating bug, please.
...what have we here?
Hello, sir. I am an insane tentacle eating bug. You are a tentacle, therefore I must eat you now. Please remain calm, it will be very painful as I spit acid on you and slurp up the digested goo.
Of course. I am very pleased and excited to be a part of the magical circle of life. Eat away, my friend.
...AND THE CIRCLE OF LIFE CONTINUES
I'm nothing until my morning cup of insane tentacle eating bug poo.
mmm, this is some really good goo.

 

by squidrabies
8-04-02
You know, I have that thing that chickens have that can kill you if you undercook me.
Please don't lie to me. I'm very vulnerable right now.
No fooling, cook me wrong and you're dead, pal. I'm just warning you. Kill away.
Is it worth the risk? Am I willing to die for a chicken salad sandwich? I must meditate.
If you decide to eat me, stay away from my left wing. I have a cut that got infected when I was cleaning the toilet.
Screw it, I'll eat the chair.

 

by squidrabies
8-04-02
Mister Monkeybottom, are you my daddy?
No, I'm a magic tentacle. And you are a semi-retarded pink donkey thing. I cannot be your daddy.
Princess Twinkies, are you my daddy?
Aww, that is so sweet. No, semi-retarded pink donkey thing, I am not your daddy. I am a girl cthulhu and girl cthulhus can't be daddies, only mommies. But I'm not your mommy either.
Melty the Snowman, are you my daddy?
Sure, whatever. Go fix my goddamn dinner and clean the garage.

 

by squidrabies
8-04-02
Hello, Manhole. What's up?
Can I borrow your carrot? I'll give it right back.
I don't know. What do you need it for?
I thought I would push it in and out of my anus while I masturbate and fantasize about Tor Johnson.
Um, actually, this carrot is cursed. Anyone who touches it will die. Sorry.
Can I tie your scarf around my balls?

 

by squidrabies
8-04-02
It's hypnotic.

 

by squidrabies
8-04-02
Do you think there really is a God?
Wow, I sure hope not! I just killed a hooker.

 

by squidrabies
8-04-02
They say drowning isn't a bad way to go.
Really?
Yeah, they say it's a few seconds of unspeakable panic and terror, but then it's really relaxing and pleasant.
That does sound nice.
So, what did you think?
I got a shrimp stuck in my throat.

 

by squidrabies
8-04-02
Woohoo!
Yeah!
Hooray!
Whee!
Acquitted! Suckers!
There is no justice for dead hookers.

 

by squidrabies
8-05-02
Your search for "+gay +cthulhu +porn" has returned "0" results.
Dammit.
Your search for "+anal +tentacle +porn" has returned "0" results.
Argh.
Your search for "+princess +twinkies +hidden +sexcam" has returned "543267" results.
I'll be damned.

 

by squidrabies
8-05-02
I got my paycheck today.
Wow. How much did you get?
$143.67
For a whole week? That's pretty sad.

 

by squidrabies
8-05-02
Mr. Monkeybottom, have you accepted the Lord Jesus Christ as your personal savior?
Does he come with free long distance minutes?
Well, no. But he does come with love and forgiveness of your sins.
That's great and all, but what I really need is some free long distance minutes. I have family in Kuala Lumpur.
Well, okay. Love, forgiveness and 120 long distance minutes.
How about a cell phone for those free minutes?

 

by squidrabies
8-05-02
I have a great idea. Let's both commit suicide.
You mean a suicide pact?
Sure. Or a murder-suicide would work too.
I like the sound of that.
Okay, you kill me then I'll kill you.
Shouldn't we write a note?

 

by squidrabies
8-05-02
Friends are really important.
Yes, friends are very important.
No, I said "really". You said "very". Friends are "really" important.
What's the difference?
FUCK YOU!
DIE!

 

by squidrabies
8-06-02
Today is my birthday.
Happy birthday.
What did you get me?
Ebola. What did you get me?
Ebola.
Shazam!

 

by squidrabies
8-06-02
What are you in for?
Parking tickets. What are you in for?
Genocide.

 

by squidrabies
8-06-02
My friend sent me something in the mail.
Anthrax?
Maybe. I haven't opened it yet.
Why not?
The box says 'fragile'.
Bummer.

 

by squidrabies
8-06-02
How come you and I never got 'together', Mr. Monkeybottom?
Because you're a selfish controlling bitch that lives to suck the life out of everyone around you.
No, be honest.
Your tits are too small.

 

by squidrabies
8-07-02
Yes, what is it Melty?
Hello, sir or madam. You are looking very beautiful or handsome this afternoon.
That's nice. What do want?
Would you be interested in purchasing a brand new VCR that I absolutely did not steal from your neighbor? Today only, $19.95.
SLAM!
Would you be interested in knowing that I'm about to take a shit in your mailbox?

 

by squidrabies
8-07-02
I am so much cooler than you.
It's my secret shame.
Was that sarcasm?
I'm not sure.

 

by squidrabies
8-07-02
What do you like best about being a clown?
The oppressive sadness and self loathing.
Do you enjoy working with kids?
I'd like to work the business end of a claw hammer into their pointy little skulls.
Can you do balloon animals?
I'm going to hang myself with one tomorrow.

 

by squidrabies
8-07-02
Have you ever read the bible?
Nope.
I read it last week. It was totally boring, but the ending kicked ass.
I can't wait to go to hell.
Rock.

 

by squidrabies
8-08-02
I'm suing Finkelman for sexual harassment.
Sweet jesus.
When I testified, I used a doll to demonstrate how Finkelman would touch me in my bathing suit area.
Now the doll is suing me for 1.5 million.

 

by squidrabies
8-09-02
Gee, what a beautiful. day.
And how.
A day like this makes me want to experiment with homosexuality, which psychologists assure me is completely normal in this stage of my sexual development.
Be gentle.

 

by squidrabies
8-10-02
I realized something today. My only reason for getting out of bed each morning is that my back hurts and I have to pee.
All I have to look forward to is that someday I won't wake up.
Don't talk like that. The world is a beautiful place. It might not seem that way now, but don't give up. It'll get better, I promise.
Maybe some money would cheer me up.
Can you break a fifty?

 

by squidrabies
8-10-02
Concentrate. FEEL the ball. FEEL the ball's energy becoming ONE with your energy.
Gotcha.
The ball is a part of you. An extension of your body, of your soul. You and the ball are one with the energy of the universe.
I'm feeling it.
Wait... there is psychic interference. You will not achieve total balance and oneness until you remove your underwear and let me take some polaroids.
Sounds perfectly reasonable.

 

by squidrabies
8-12-02
Britney Spears is pretty hot.
Hell yeah.
I mean, I hate her music, but I'd give my kidneys just to poke her once.
Both kidneys.
Then I'd cut out her kidneys, eat one and worship the other as a god.
Eh?

 

by squidrabies
8-19-02
Racism is dumb.
Shut your face, jew.
I'm not jewish. I'm chinese.
Are you sure? I could have swore I hate you because you're jewish.
No, you hate me because I pee on your food.
Stupid food peeing chink.

 

by squidrabies
8-19-02
I have something to tell you. I had sex with your girlfriend. It was an accident.
I never have. How was it?

 

by squidrabies
8-19-02
¿Usted usa la ropa de una mujer?
Por supuesto. También afeito mis órganos genitales.
El pensamiento de ése hace mi pene muy rígido.
¡HA HA HA!

 

by squidrabies
8-22-02
I'm trying to quit smoking. I haven't had a cigarette in almost a week.
Want one?
Sure!
Here you go, pal.

 

by squidrabies
8-22-02
Yes, who is it?
Afternoon, Mister... Monkeybottom, isn't it? Hi, I'm Chuck Squats.
How can I help you, Mister Squats?
Well, first off, you can call me Chuck.
Fine. Chuck. What?
I'm a door to door consumer. I was wondering if you'd like to sell me a magazine subscription or something.

 

by squidrabies
8-22-02
HI MELTY LET GO TO THE JUNGLE
OH THE JUNGLE BUT I MELT !!!
I KNOW !!! HAHAHAHA !!!!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA !!!
HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!
HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!

 

by squidrabies
8-27-02
Do you like being a police officer?
I'd like to beat you to death with this here night stick, blackie.
Excuse me?
I said, 'Yes, I love being a police officer'.
That's not what you said.
Dispatch, I got a 309 in progress, I'm going to need a baggie of drugs and a gun to plant on the suspect's body.

 

by squidrabies
8-31-02
Sometimes after work, I like to take a nice soothing bath, have a cold glass of wine and listen to the soothing sounds of dying animals.
Yeah, I take my shoes off and... Wait, dying animals?
And bath salts. I couldn't live without my bath salts.
Is it a recording of the sound of dying animals, or are animals actually dying right there in your apartment?
Come on man, a recording can't capture the raw beauty of the final gurgling breath of a living creature.
Damn, I was gonna ask to borrow the tape.

 

by squidrabies
8-31-02
Jeezum crow, I gotta crap, like immediately.
Allright, let's see it! Drop trou, woman!
Please don't call me 'woman'.
Hey, whatever helps get your britches down, you tell me, Sally.

 

by squidrabies
8-31-02
So all day today at work, I couldn't decide whether to kill myself or everyone else around me.
Why not kill them and then kill yourself afterwards?
Fuck, where were you two hours ago?
I'm not sure.

 

by squidrabies
9-05-02
I picked up my kid from preschool today.
Neat.
After I brought it home, I realized I'd gotten the wrong kid. It's been crying all night.
What are you going to do?
You kidding? This one is way cuter than mine and it doesn't limp.
Not yet anyway.

 

by squidrabies
9-22-02
So, I woke up this morning and there's dogshit in my hand...
Wow, how did you get dogshit in your hand?
I always go to sleep with dogshit in my hand.
But when I woke up, it was in my OTHER hand.
Conspiracy!

 

by squidrabies
9-22-02
This is a home invasion, please remain calm and you won't be hurt. Where are your valuables located?
Please don't steal my George Forman grill. How am I going to make hot sandwiches?
I have seen the error of my ways. Please call the police so that I may give myself up.
Okay. Do you know the number?
Ha! I am a recidivist! I'll have that grill, fool!
Curses! Failed again by our corrupt criminal justice system!

 

by squidrabies
9-24-02
What is the meaning of life?
The question is the answer.
I see. What you're saying is, there isn't just one answer for everything, we should try to find meaning in our own lives.
Sorry, I thought we were playing Jeopardy. In Jeopardy, the question is the answer.

 

by squidrabies
9-26-02
I just got back from the hospital, getting a cast put on my kid's arm.
Wow.
I was teaching him to ride his bike without training wheels, but when I let go, he fell off the bike.
So I broke the little shit's arm.
Aversion therapy equals good parenting.

 

by squidrabies
9-26-02
You dropped a bomb on me.
Baby.
You dropped a bomb on me.
I don't get it.

 

by squidrabies
9-27-02
...and as I was beating Finkelman to death with his own prosthetic leg, he kept asking for his leg back.
It wasn't, "Stop, you're killing me." It was, "Give me back my leg, please give me back my leg."
His priorities were all fucked up.
I'm glad he's dead.

 

by squidrabies
10-01-02
Regrets... I've had a few...
but then again... too few to mention...
That reminds me, did the cops find anything when they dug up your lawn?
just thought up a few more...

 

by squidrabies
10-01-02
Dude! I got the raddest new game for my Ultra-Super-Color-Game-o-Tron!!
AWESOME! What is it?!
Death Mutant Robo Machine Epic XXII
Radical! I heard when you beat the game, the cartidge explodes and you actually DIE!
Yeah, my stupid neighbor Ricky beat it yesterday. They're still cleaning him out of the carpet.
Let's go play, I know the cheat codes!

 

by squidrabies
10-13-02
I bought a new puppy yesterday.
I know. You cut its head off and threw it at me. It was pretty funny.
Oh yeah, hahaha. I'm about to go to the pet store, want to come with?
Sure, let me get my wallet.

 

by squidrabies
10-14-02
Sometimes I ask myself, What Would Jesus Do...
...if he knew I masturbate with a crucifix in my ass.

 

by squidrabies
10-21-02
My doctor just called. He says I contracted ebola when I fucked a monkey at the zoo last weekend. I'll be dead by wednesday.
Zounds!
They should really put warning labels on those things. Or at least stitch up their diseased simian love holes.
Leaving them open is like an invitation to taboo monkey pleasure.
Damned promiscuous monkeys! Their free and easy love may spell the destruction of the human race.
I will wage a great and bloody war with the monkeys. PRAY TO YOUR MONKEY GODS, FOUL BEASTS! NONE SHALL SURVIVE!

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