All comics by mmyers

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by mmyers
11-25-03
November 24
In honor of Thanksgiving, I am signing an official pardon for the Thanksgiving turkey. Hahaha.
Gobble gobble.
November 25
It has been brought to my attention that the Thanksgiving Turkey has weapons of mass destruction and gravy soaked dressing. Bombing commences on November 27.
If you give up your dressing and fruit salad, we will go easy on you, turkey. The choice is yours.
Somewhere unknown.
...so then when I was 14 I really didn't feel like I fit in with my other 43 brothers and sisters...boy, you're a good listener.
Gobble gobble.

 

by mmyers
11-25-03
Fucking A, man, nature's a fucking beaut, ain't she? Trees and air and shit.
Yup. Mother nature should be respected and admired for all she does and the simplicity with which she does it.
An interesting fact about mothers and women in general and something you should know, when a woman takes her purse with her to the bathroom, she's probably on her period.
Why is that something I should know?
One time I asked a chick why she was taking her purse to the bathroom and she said, all shitty like, "Because I'm on my period!" Now I can't get it out of my head. I had to tell someone.
Ignorance is bliss.

 

by mmyers
11-25-03
So what would you like for Christmas, little boy?
A belt sander!
What would you like for Christmas, little girl?
Matches!
And what would you like, little grey man?
I'd like to get velcro back...and also microwave ovens...and anything else you guys ripped off from us.

 

by mmyers
11-25-03
So what would you like for Christmas, little boy?
A belt sander!
What would you like for Christmas, little girl?
Matches!
And what can I do for you, grey naked thing?
Our sensors reveal that you are guilty of kissing Mother and threatening her with your Missile Toes. Prepare to be disembowled.

 

by mmyers
11-25-03
Man Skot, no matter how much cash they say is going to charity, never attempt to jump boxes of kittens in a bulldozer.
Oh sure, they cheer you when you clear 'em but they'll boo your ass when you don't. It's all bullshit.
You didn't really do that, did you?
Naw, little dude, I was just shitting ya. Heh. Uh-oh, a Police officer. Let's hide under that car, you know, just for kicks.

 

by mmyers
11-28-03
Boyohboy, it's the day after Thanksgiving and we all know what that means.
Yup...
Lots of fat chicks at the gym.
For the next three weeks.

 

by mmyers
11-28-03
Tell 'em that one story, you know, the one about the lady you work with.
Oh, I don't think anyone would care about that.
No, go on, tell 'em. It's funny, everyone will get a kick out of it.
Oh, allright. I...
She was at the copier, right? And m was like, "Why are you staring at the copier when you could be working?" Well, she turns around with toner all over her face...
I'm going to get some more fruit salad.

 

by mmyers
11-28-03
Who the hell are you and what do you want?
Trick or treat.
It's a little late and you're a little old to be trick or treating.
I must have fallen in some kind of time displacing void where I aged and everything else stayed the same. I was 11 when I started out but now I look like I'm old. Oh what will become of me?!
This doesn't make any sense.
Look lady, if I said I was homeless would you just give me some candy?

 

by mmyers
11-28-03
Oh no...
What is it?
Santa's been into the Rum again.
Uh-oh, let's just hope that he can't get into the stables this time...
Now listen here, you little flying veal cutlet, you WILL guide my sleigh tonight or I'll wiggle my nose and plant my shit kickers in your chimney, got it?
I'm not Rudolph, Santa, I keep telling you that. I'm Ricardo. Chill out.

 

by mmyers
11-28-03
Oh no...
What is it?
Santa's been into the Rum again.
Uh-oh, let's just hope that he can't get into the stables this time...
Hey there, it's Margarita Night down at Swinging Richard's. What say we don some gay apparel and head down there?
Let me grab my sweater.

 

by mmyers
11-30-03
Cadbury, I'd like to open my own lemonade stand. Let's build one and make even MORE money.
Please kill me, Masta Richie. I'm over 170 years old. Even the tattered remnents of my brain are beginning to rot in here.
Not a chance, Cadbury. Hey, here comes that old blowhard Reggie and his mutants. You fight them while Dollar and I drive around in my helicopter.
Everything was destroyed, Masta Richie. You have no helicopter. Dollar was obliterated in the shockwave. Everything's rubble.
That's rich...
Richie Rich!

 

by mmyers
11-30-03
So AccentuateNegative, you're a gay guy, right?
Sometimes.
OK, well my girlfriend makes me watch that homo show and they're always helpful and opinionated. I'm starting to get a monobrow. Any ideas for me?
You could pluck it, I suppose, or have it waxed or lasered.
Pluck it, you say? Hmm, *plink* *plink* Ouch, ouch...ouch. This is great. Goodbye monobrow. Man, is there anything you guys don't know?
Getting rid of stupid people is proving to be a problem lately.

 

by mmyers
12-01-03
Sex isn't really better when you wait until marriage. In fact, it is more awkward and painful.
Aw man, why did I wait so long? I was about to marry Julia Roberts. Hey Julia, where are you going?
Where are you?! The boat is sinking and I'm King of the world.
Even if you do find her, you're going to be king of the underworld. You freeze to death in the water, you schmuck.
If you haven't seen them, the movie Identity is taking place in someone's head, Rosebud is the sled in Citizen Kane, everyone did it on Murder on the Orient Express, Bruce Willis is dead in 6th Sense.

 

by mmyers
12-01-03
Hollywood. A big movie studio.
Well, we're hard up for ideas again. Time to recycle an idea that was once good but we've drained of any fun or surprises.
Good idea. I suggest we do Peter Pan again. There's a whole generation of fetuses that don't have a version of Peter Pan to call their own.
On set.
Mr Deuce, you will be playing our hero, Peter Pan.
Ah, freaking brilliant. I am loving it. Where is the money trailer? I'll be right back.
Much Later.
Mr. MoneyBags, Deuce has left and he's stolen the film's budget!
Waitaminute, the film's budget or the special effect's budget?! The film budget isn't a big deal but we've got to have that special effects budget! NOOO!

 

by mmyers
12-01-03
Hey there, pal. Looking for a pair of dress slacks? Might I suggest these adjustable waist slacks. Let me grab you a pair to try on. You're a 33-32, right?
I am, but I have a question. If they have an adjustable waist, why don't you just call them one size fits all?
The humans seem to prefer an assigned value attached to their clothing apparel. We find it easier to assimilate them by using their own neuroses against them.
Excuse me?
Um...hey, would you mind standing here while I go grab my neural eraser?
Yeah but make it quick. I've got Christmas shopping.

 

by mmyers
12-02-03
Hey Skot, what's the haps, little man?
Just reading the bible.
Hey, the bible! The bible is pretty cool, huh? That Jesus guy is like John Lennon and shit, huh? You know he gave us wine? And you know why he did it?
I can't wait to hear.
He wanted to give guys the courage to talk to chicks that were out of their league. Yeah, if a chick got drunk enough, she'd even go home with an ugly dude and that's cool.
I'm thinking it wasn't the bible that you were reading and that it might have been TV Guide.

 

by mmyers
12-02-03
The holidays are a time where it's OK to forget that you left your baby in the car because you're rushing to get a $29 DVD player.
The holidays are a time where it's OK to be depressed and suspicious of everyone.
The holidays are a time when certain toys are more rare than others, often only one per box that comes in, and children cry if they don't get them.
The holidays are a time when white people from the suburbs feel safe to yell at black people in traffic.
Holidays are a time to donate to your favorite websites that occupy your time and answer all your repetitive questions. Read the FAQs, nimrod.
Christmas is time when sucky-sucky on sale for $3.99 and everyone trample each other for it.

 

by mmyers
12-02-03
Oh no...
What is it?
Santa's been into the rum again.
Uh-oh, let's just hope he can't get into the stables this time...
Boy, I turned the sled a split second before I hit you, Prancer, otherwise it would have sliced you in...great Hermey's teeth, what have I done?
I feel like I'd like to urinate on myself but can't...and suddenly I'm very cold, oh so very cold.

 

by mmyers
12-03-03
And with this magic hat, you'll come alive.
Hotdiggity, I'm alive!
What's the first thing you want to do, Frosty?
Hmmm...

 

by mmyers
12-03-03
Thanks for driving us to get lunch.
No problem.
I gotta ask, I noticed that you had 50 or 60 french fries lined up on the floorboard of your car.
It's my monument remembering all of the brave french fries lost in action, action meaning me eating and driving at the same time.
I also noticed that there weren't any curly fries down there.
The first rule of fast food combat is you never leave a curly fry behind.

 

by mmyers
12-03-03
Mt. Stripcreator
Prometheus Firefly, what have you done?!
I gave the n00bs the power to edit their comic strips. I felt like it was a nice thing to do for those fucking dumb asses.
Prometheus Firefly, you must be punished. I condemn you to forever drink from a pint that shall be never ending. You shall drink from this pint for eternity!
Bloody hell, you know who I am, right?
Now to punish the n00bs and regulars alike. Release the Kraken!
RARR! THE KRACKEN WILL FILL THEIR CRACKS IN! RARR!

 

by mmyers
12-03-03
Holy shit! I can edit comics! Now I can edit that one comic that will only make sense to people who play DoomWorld.
And I have all of the powers of a donor! I'm a God now!
Hey Ivy, you're komics are teh suck. R00XX0R OMFG BF4E!
You stand right here while I go get my smiting golf club, puny human.
Hey Kaddar, draw me, you fucking dickhead. BEST SLMA EVA! ROFL! KIT CLASS OF 2007!
*sigh* Allright, but it's going to cost you $20. You look like you enjoy surfing so I'll draw you on a surf board. For $5 more I'll color it.

 

by mmyers
12-03-03
Hold, gentle n00b. Before you enter Striptopia, you must answer me these puns three.
Screw you, old dude. I'm on my way to start a new contest in the CC thread even though I haven't won a contest yet! Woo!
Have fun storming the castle. [mumble] No respect around here. One day they'll all be sorry...[/mumble]
Kaufman, did you just let that n00b through to Mt. Stripcreator?
Before I answer that question jes_l, you must answer me these puns three.
Nevermind. [mumble] Knew I picked the wrong day to quit drinking absynth. [/mumble]

 

by mmyers
12-03-03
What's going on down on the mortal plain?
Prometheus Firefly gave n00bs all the powers of regs and donors. I'm out of here. I'm going to go back to being plain old smug overacting deceased Sir Lawrence Olivier.
What can I do for you, my little noobie?
I've got lots of questions for you and lots of glitches to report and lots of friends to invite here and lots of comics with inside jokes to post that I'd like for you to read...
S-s-s-server f-f-f-freezing u-u-up.
That's right, and how come you never reply to my emails and why do have 0 stars and I wanna know who posted all those negative comments about me...

 

by mmyers
12-03-03
We've done it. Mt. Stripcreator and Striptopia is ours. What should we do now?
I dunno, maybe we could play some X Box or something.
Striptopia has fallen. I feel so empty. I should go make a strip about being a file clerk ninja. That'd be cool, huh?
Oh shut up, mmyers. Everything is a cycle, civilizations crumble, new ones rise up, sadly, music on the radio will always be shitty.
But everything's ruined, bunner. Stripcreator has fallen. I'm so sad, I don't even want a hug right now.
Not yet, kitty. There is still one last hope...but if that should fall through, you wanna have sex before the world ends?

 

by mmyers
12-03-03
Everything's $1
Aw crap, I'm going into labor. Helmut, I need to take a 15 minute break.
Hey, be a doll and restack that XMas figurine stand while you're having your baby, eh?
Tell us more, boinky.
There is a legend that if a Reg-donor and a n00b have a child, harmony shall be restored. There is also a legend that says if you hook up with me, you'll get lots of gold.
The Hospital
Gia, before you have our baby, I thought you should know that I made a comic strip on Stripcreator today.
But Nate, that makes you a...n00b. [contraction] [size=3][/size][/contraction] Oh, the baby is coming.

 

by mmyers
12-03-03
Greetings. I am the child of Gia and Nate, the positive qualities of both n00b and Reg alike.
But you're Wirthling and the everyone says that you suck.
No, gentle n00by, you suck, just as Regs suck and anyone who uses such silly names to describe themselves or others sucks.
I feel as if a thousand stars are shining in my soul for the first time.
Yeah Wirthling, I've never thought of things that way before.
Of course you haven't. I must go now. It is up to you to make peace among yourselves. Hey, how about hitting me off the panel here. I don't have any legs and all.

 

by mmyers
12-03-03
Hey dude, I'm sorry we destroyed everything that you guys worked to create.
Hey, shit happens, right? What do we do now?
I think we should start a new place to go and make strips in peace.
That's a great idea. Let's call it Stripmaker.com.
Meanwhile...
Zeus, yer pint ain't keepin' up wit' me. Came-on, filler-up mate!

 

by mmyers
12-03-03
Brad, the tattered remains of your once beloved Striptopia lay behind us, your work is ruined, all your hardwork has been for naught. How do you feel?
Um, I'm allright.
Really? Because I'd be crushed. I would literally break down and cry. I'd cram this microphone right in my head.
No. I'll just have to rebuild. I've got a lot of coding in front of me.
Brad, why not just get a new background? Why not take the easy route?
Easy route? Do you know how much coding goes into giving you that microphone?! How much goes into Kaufman's freaking cat?! You have no idea!

 

by mmyers
12-04-03
So what'd you think of the show?
It was a little too Christ-y for my taste.
Yeah but it's a story about "Christ"-mas.
Yeah but I'm Jewish, m.
Why did you go then?
I thought they might make it about a different holiday this time, like Valentine's Day or Canadian Boxing day.

 

by mmyers
12-04-03
*whistling* Morning Chester.
*whistling* Waitaminute...
Holy shit, everyone get out of the 'N' drive! The canary is dead, the system is crashing!

 

by mmyers
12-04-03
You lick a prestick envelope.
Oh man, this is the worst possible taste ever...and I can smell colors now.
You break a sweat while playing video games...and your girlfriend is there.
Do I need to leave you alone? You don't look so good.
No *pant* it was just *pant* a really hard level. *pant*
You quote early 90s song lyrics like it's a hip thing.
Hey, I'm like Bobby Brown, baby, I'm good ta good ta good ta go solo.
How about you go a little faster with "Every Little Step you take", MC Scat Cat.

 

by mmyers
12-05-03
Lotus position!
Tree pose!
Mountain pose!
Grasshopper!
Mmyers, are you OK?
I think I'm stuck in Tree pose.

 

by mmyers
12-05-03
Hey Filing Clerk, did you notice something?
No, I don't think so. What are you talking about?
That really annoying lady is off today. No insessant talking about Christmas or her grand kids or how excited about church this weekend she is.
No kidding. This puts me in the mind of a song...
"Thank God it's Friday" by Love and Kisses?
No, "Enjoy the Silence" by Depeche Mode.

 

by mmyers
12-05-03
I made you a sandwich, Brian. It's on the counter.
Thanks grammy.
Grandma was out of mayonaise so she had to put a bunch of mustard on it, and I only had two slices of lunch meat so I made up for it in pickles.
Oh...thanks grams.
This is sandwich is to eating what dry humping is to sex.

 

by mmyers
12-05-03
Didn't you learn anything from the show?
I learned that if you are poor you should pretend like you're happy until someone gives you money, then you can really start being happy.
You're in kind of a dark place, emotionally speaking.
Maybe I would be happier if I were a poor, crippled child whose dad worked for a miserly asshole.

 

by mmyers
12-08-03
Excuse me. Hello? I said excuse me. Hey! FUCKING GET AWAY FROM MY CROTCH, DUDE!
Sorry about that.
You know, for an animal with a supposed keen sense of smell, you sure have to cram yourself in my jock to smell whatever it is you're looking for.
Hey, what can I say. I'm a connoisseur.

 

by mmyers
12-08-03
*oof* Come on. *ugh* Almost got it...
Yes, yes, yes. *ungh* Come on, baby, give it to me. *moan*
Phew, finally got my tight 'dating' pants on. I hope putting on cologne isn't that hard.

 

by mmyers
12-08-03
Brian, I'm so nervous about this date. I haven't been on a first date since the mid 90s. That was with Karen and we were together since then.
There's not too much to remember. Grunge is out, boy bands are still in, bisexuality is back in.
Bisexuality? That is so early 90s.
Well it's leaning more towards the lesbian side this time instead of the other way around.
Karen always said she wanted to be a lesbian. Karen! Why did you leave me!
I'd also suggest not bringing up Karen.

 

by mmyers
12-08-03
*Knock knock*
Hi, I'm Edie. You must be Chuck. It's nice to meet you. What would you like to do tonight?
Wow, cool. You're black. I've never been on an interracial date before.
Yes, I am black. Is this going to be a problem for you? It's not a problem for me but if it is for you then...
No, no, it's no problem, it was just a bit of a surprise but a pleasant one, nevertheless.
My being black is a pleasant surprise? How is that? You've always wanted to date a black person before? What does that even mean?
Can I close the door, wait a minute, open it, then start all over again?

 

by mmyers
12-08-03
Here let me show you around my apartment, give you the tour as it were.
Not to belabor it, but the correct term would be a 'bi-racial' date, not an inter-racial date.
My roomate Brian said that bi-dating was really in right now. I'm not 'bi' but I think it's cool if you are.
You don't go on many dates...or speak to other people much, huh?
Brian said that I shouldn't talk about my-ex because the crying might turn you off so let's just do the house tour, hmm?

 

by mmyers
12-08-03
This room is the living room. These are picture of my family. This should show you that family is important to me.
I see.
This is the den, I suppose.
Yup. This is a picture of a girl on a car. This should tell you that I'm manly. This is me hiking in the mountains. This shows I'm rugged. And this is my BA in Communications degree.
And this should show me that you're a well rounded person?
No, it should show you that I'm broke and that we'll probably have to go dutch treat on the dinner.

 

by mmyers
12-08-03
Since you brought up the whole "inter-racial/bi-racial' thing, do you prefer to be called black or African-American? I'd hate to screw it up.
I 'prefer' to be called Edie. I 'prefer' that my race didn't matter and that my personality and name did.
Let me ask you, would you rather be called "whitey" or "caucasian" or some other label to stick on you based on the color of your skin?
You know, now that you mention it, I'd like to be called a 'Cracker'. That just sounds funny, like 'that guy's a real cracker' or 'that cracker ass cracker'.
I think I saw the subway this way. The 5 train should take me right home.

 

by mmyers
12-08-03
Thanks for not leaving me behind back there. When I get nervous I just start talking and don't know when to stop. Usually it makes me say something stupid. Long time friends have learned to ignore it.
My mom used to say that I had diarrehia of the mouth because the words just kept coming and become less and less substance as they come...
Shhh.
You know, you don't seem like a bad guy, nothing that a tennis ball shoved into your mouth and your hands being tied so you could use sign language wouldn't fix.

 

by mmyers
12-08-03
McDonald's
So I moved away from North Carolina into the city and got a job at the hospital. Hey, my burger is really good. How about yours?
I'm so embarrased that I took you to McDonald's on our date...and my burger is Big n' Tasty as the name suggests.
McDonald's
No big deal. I've eaten at McDonald's before. Hey, you know what I hate? Those McDonald's Cat in the Hat commercials.
Me too! They look so fake when they try to make it look like a scene from the movie is happening in the store. And the sound bites where you can't see his face are so lame.
McDonald's
Well, they do slaughter millions of artificially enhanced cows and chickens a year so no one ever accused McDonald's of having artistic integrity.
Did you know they copywrited the phrase 'I'm lovin' it!' so if you want to ever say I'm lovin' it, you'll have to pay them royalities.

 

by mmyers
12-08-03
Well this was certainly an odd choice for a place to go on a date.
Well, my Dad runs the factory so it's cheap to get into and 1 in 35 people seems to find this place interesting.
What exactly are they making here?
Some kind of holiday crap ass remote control robot that people will give to their relatives as a gift they only use once and then sell at a garage sale.
Wow, so the company already knows all that up front?
Oh sure. Let's get out of here. this place creeps me out ever since I saw WestWorld.

 

by mmyers
12-08-03
Well, I must admit that tonight wasn't that bad. I had fun.
Me too. Um, did you know that Star trek had the first inter-rac...um, bi-racial kiss on TV?
I did not know that. Hey, can I use your bathroom before I go?
Oh, sure.
Where were you going with that bit of Star Trek trivia?
No where. Just forget it.

 

by mmyers
12-09-03
And with this magic hat, you'll come alive.
Hotdiggity, I'm alive!
What's the first thing you want to do, Frosty?
Hmmm...
Honestly, the anal rape isn't so bad when they take off my hat first. It's just slush-slush, and then they're gone.
So are you saying that you want to stay in there, Frosty?

 

by mmyers
12-10-03
The bathroom is on your right. The light switch is in front of the door.
Thanks.
Oop, think I hit the wrong switch. Let me find the switch again.
I kind of thought that you'd be naked when the lights came back on too.
Not so much.

 

by mmyers
12-10-03
Thanks for letting me use your restroom.
Thanks for not laughing at my nearly naked, scrawny body.
No problem. Guess I should go now.
So you're leaving now? For real this time?
Um, yes, why do you say it like that?
No reason. Did you know that Star Trek was the first show that had an inter-racial kiss in it? At the time it was very controversial, but by today's standards, not so much.

Showing page 11.

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