All comics by evil_d

Profile

 

by evil_d
4-01-09
Cool, it's the maitre d'! Hey, do people ever tell you guys that you look like penguins?
I think you have it backwards, sir.
You mean penguins tell you that you look like people? Hmm, I guess you do kind of look like Russell Crowe.
What? Don't be ridiculous! Next customer, please!
Hey, are you Russell Crowe? Can I have your autograph?
Shut up!!

 

by evil_d
4-04-09
Duck, duck,
duck, penguin!
You're supposed to chase me around the circle now.
What's in it for me?

 

by evil_d
4-04-09
I only got a C− on my math test.
It's okay, Billy. You tried your hardest.
I embezzled a lot of money from my employer!
It's not too late to set things right. I know that deep down you're a good person.
My girlfriend and I have been living in sin.
You'll burn in hell, heathen.

 

by evil_d
4-05-09
I just beat the new Street Fighter game!
All that persistence paid off!
I finally learned how to send a text message!
That's using your noodle!
I can run an eight-minute mile!
That's not bad for an old lady!

 

by evil_d
4-07-09
Men, we'll need to keep the Germans distracted during this operation.
Sergeant Catter, fake an illness and keep them busy at the infirmary.
Good idea. And Cpl. Oiseau can make some of his apple strudel for—
PEEENGUIIIN! Vat is going on here?
Er, Colonel Pink! What a surprise!

 

by evil_d
4-07-09
So, how did your first year as Easter Penguin go?
Great! I hid 9,015,247,081 ice cubes and filled 1,519,822,487 baskets with regurgitated fish!
Liz, call the bunny and tell him we'll meet all his contract demands.

 

by evil_d
4-07-09
Child, I'm dying, but you must go alone to fulfill a 1000-year prophecy, defeat the evil race that killed your family, return the lost shard of the crystal that makes stuff good, and meet a cute girl.
Everything in that sentence was either a fantasy cliché or a conjunction.
I'm the emperor because I'm better at hitting a stone with a sword than anyone else! How did you infiltrate the lair of the undead turkey vultures—I mean, the Skeksisesises?
Well, I relied heavily on innocence, the power of music, my girlfriend's affinity for woodland creatures, a bigoted mistrust of people who look bad, and repeating things I'd heard that sounded heroic.
Oh no, our one weakness—bright sunlight at a certain time! How unfortunate that our home and our soldiers are both designed to crumble when this happens!
Oh, calm down. You're about to get the lightest punishment in the history of the fantasy genre.

 

by evil_d
4-09-09
When the Church asked me to help make Easter special again, I thought, what does Easter have that other holidays don't? The answer: resurrection.
And so, I'm proud to present the first in a series of resurrections of people we all know, love, and wish hadn't died: Pope John Paul II!
Greetings, my children! The Lord's blessing be upon you!
Eh? Eh? Oh, come on! I raise a pope from the dead, and all you can do is sit there with your mouths open like you're horrified about something?
I told you you should have done Biggie Smalls.

 

by evil_d
4-16-09
Try some soma, Bernard. It's the perfect drug—euphoria with no ill effects! Unless you count an inability to function while high, or the fact that too much can kill you....
No! I'll resist this stifling society no matter what happens, unless it's moderately unpleasant! Now, I'm off to ruin my enemies and pick up chicks!
John, I'm not really smart enough to understand why you're so different, but I love you because you're enigmatic, so I'm willing to meet you halfway. Deal?
No! I know you can program people with whatever morals you want. But the morals of Britain circa 1930 are natural and right! Life is pain and you're a whore!
I have few regrets about building a civilization of dumb, contented slaves with no free will. But, in retrospect, we probably should have thought to establish control over the media.

 

by evil_d
4-23-09
...so that's what a ureteroscopy entails. Now, shall we schedule your appointment?
No, thank you. I think I'll go with the other option you mentioned.
...getting sick and dying?
That's the one. That sounds much less unpleasant.

 

by evil_d
4-24-09
Excuse me. The sign outside says that this is an adult bookstore?
That's correct, sir.
What makes it so adult? Can it have pages made of tobacco papers? Is it old enough to rent some rolling stacks? Can it consent to an intra-library loan?
Its architecture is fully developed, and it's acquired the wisdom and maturity that come with age.
Also, it wants you to get off its property.

 

by evil_d
4-28-09
Quickly, to action! The mayor will have been about to call us to have us come prevent the crime that we will have prevented before he can have called us about it!
Christ on a carp, Retroactive Man, I can't wait until somebody drops an anvil on you or something.
Ah-ah-ah, Potential Lad. What have we been talking about?
*sigh*... I might not be able to wait until somebody drops an anvil on you.
That's more like it! Now, to the Retromobile!

 

by evil_d
4-28-09
Okay, apparently this office building is the crime scene. So what's the plan?
I've just used my retro-powers to travel a short while into the past and lay mines in the building, for when the crooks arrive.
*BOOM!* *KA-BOOM!*
And, uh, what's the disaster that we're here to prevent?
Something about explosions in an office building.
...aaaannnddd... you're not even capable of making this connection on your own, are you?
You're Potential Lad -- you tell me!

 

by evil_d
4-28-09
...look, it's simple. Your retro-power let you go back in time and set those mines in the first place. Just use the same power to go back a little farther and stop yourself from ever doing it.
I've never tried it... but, as Potential Lad, believing in people's potential is your super-power! So if you think I can do it, I must be able to!
Sure, whatever. Just try it already.
Okay! Here I go! Nnnnnnggh....
*POP*
Jesus Christ, you're an idiot.

 

by evil_d
4-28-09
Well this is a fine mess! I aged backwards but didn't actually travel back in time! How can I save the day in this condition?
Hang on, hang on, I'll think of something.
...okay, I've got it. What about if you go back in time and prevent yourself from—
NO.

 

by evil_d
4-28-09
Hey, kid, we've got to put out a fire in this building. You'd better take that ugly baby of yours home to its unwed teenage mother.
Oh, uh, sure thing, mister.
*snicker*
Zip it!

 

by evil_d
4-28-09
So you blew up a building for no good reason and turned yourself into a baby. I wish every day around here was this awesome.
Let's call it a learning experience and move on. At least my body's back to normal!
I was going to ask how you managed that.
I gave a hooker $20 and told her to make a man out of me!
Isn't that illegal, medically risky, and cartoonishly absurd?
Herpes and surrealism are a small price to pay in the name of justice!

 

by evil_d
4-30-09
♫ Oh, a horse is a horse, of course, of course, and no one can have non-consensual sex with a horse, of course; that is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mister Ed! ♫
Sure, I can hook you up. But what do you need pepper spray for?

 

by evil_d
5-04-09
Sir, did you realize that you were travelling nearly twice the speed limit?
Oh, come on, officer. You and I both know 25 is a ridiculous speed limit for this road. Surely there's no harm in a little civil disobedience?
And the nun you bowled over?
I take it you never went to a Catholic school?

 

by evil_d
5-14-09
You have got to be kidding me.
I am a mighty Norseman! The blood of thousands of proud warriors runs in my veins!
You realize that's nonsense, right? Your blood cells are completely replaced every few months. Medically speaking, not even your own blood runs in your veins.
I... my every step is shadowed by the spirits of thousands—
Take off the fucking helmet, Eric. You're wearing a tuxedo to our wedding and that's final.

 

by evil_d
5-26-09
That'll be $6.59. And would you like to donate a dollar to diabetes research and have us hang up a paper sneaker with your name on it?
Hmm... what do I get if I win?
Sir, it's... it's not a raffle.
I know that. What do I get if my dollar is the one that cures diabetes?
You get to drink your Coke without worrying that it might kill you.
... I'll take two.

 

by evil_d
6-12-09
The International Union of Pure and Applied Chemistry announced this week that it has confirmed the discovery of a new element, which will soon be added to the periodic table.
The team of scientists who produced the element say that it is the heaviest yet to be added to the table...
...which helped them decide on its new official name, "yourmombium".

 

by evil_d
6-16-09
Every year on Christmas, history buffs reenact George Washington's famous crossing of the Delaware River.
The reenactors row across the river from Pennsylvania to New Jersey, march to Trenton, and kill Hessian mercenaries.
Now, you might think that this sounds illegal or immoral, but don't worry; the Hessians aren't real Hessians.
They're actually just New Jerseyans.

 

by evil_d
6-26-09
Father, what's going to happen to Michael Jackson now that he's dead?
If I had to guess, he'll release five posthumous albums and be sighted in shopping malls throughout the midwest for decades to come.
I was looking for something more along the lines of how heaven works.
Heaven? Michael Jackson? You don't read the news, do you, son?

 

by evil_d
6-28-09
So, in the past week, Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett, Michael Jackson, and Billy Mays have all died.
Yup.
Quite remarkable to have such a run of celebrity deaths so close together.
Yup.
You know, the pot in our celebrity dead pool is only $100.
You're not trying to get out of paying, are you? Because I think we've established that I have no scruples.

 

by evil_d
7-24-09
He is named after a cocktail, and there is also a cocktail named after him.
Tom Collins will have a Tom Collins... the other kind.
Coming right up, Tom Collins.
This can get old pretty quickly.
Tom Collins always drinks Tom Collinses. But when he wants to mix his Tom Collinses with beer, he prefers Tom Collins and Tres Equis.
He is... the most self-absorbed man in the world.
I'd like to have a Tom Collins too... if you get my drift.
Tom Collins is going to take you back to his Tom Collins and Tom Collins you all night long, Tom Collins.

 

by evil_d
7-24-09
He knows how to throw up in seven languages.
Blarghissimo!
He always wears the perfect lampshade for the occasion.
Something Victorian today, Jeeves.
Very good, sir.
He is... the most interesting drunk in the world.
I don't always drink beer... because sometimes I'm passed out. But when I'm awake, yeah, it's non-stop beer-drinking.

 

by evil_d
8-10-09
Troilus & Cressida
You're more beautiful than Helen (who is now generally thought to be a worthless whore)! I love you!
I've loved you for a long time! I'll gladly be yours until somebody slightly more convenient comes along!
Achilles & Thersites
I'm Achilles! I'm so awesome that I don't need to prove how awesome I am!
You're a tool!
Hector & Ajax
I thought that to break up the monotony of all this fighting, we could have a fight. What do you say?
Wasn't this play supposed to be about Troilus and Cressida?

 

by evil_d
8-25-09
...and that concludes my two-hour discussion of some old men I met at my boring job. Now, what... oh yes, I was going to tell you a story about a scarlet letter.
Here's the deal: Puritan Bostonites could have had significantly better lives if they'd been the tiniest bit less uptight about extramarital affairs. Okay?
Now, who wants to hear me wax poetic for half an hour on how children are capricious or dark forests are scary? Anybody?

 

by evil_d
8-31-09
I've had enough of your meddling in my rituals. GUARDS! Take this man to the dungeon!
This isn't the end, warlock! The prison hasn't been built that can hold me!
The dungeon is where we keep the guillotine.

 

by evil_d
9-23-09
Emo Pirate Captain, sir, why do you look for emo music by pillaging ships at sea? Wouldn't it make more sense to switch to software piracy nowadays?
Yarr, I tried that, but it jest didn't fit me style.
Avast, ye mangy lanlubbers! Hurry up with this download, or I'll write a song that lets all me fans know how badly ye hurt me feelings!
LOLOLOL
Bwaa haa haa haa haa!
Stop yer laughin'! I'm goin' ta write such a song about ye!

 

by evil_d
9-24-09
Oi, there! It was ye who stole me Get Up Kids concert bootlegs—don't try ta deny it!
Oh, an' if I did, maybe 'twere retribution for yer takin' me advance copy o' the new Panic at the Disco album!
I thought it were only fair seein' as ye lifted me signed photo o' the members o' Fall Out Boy!
Sigh... this be wrong. We Emo Pirates oughtn't ta be thievin' from one another. We should be plunderin' emo booty from other vessels!
It might help if ye weren't the only scalawags on th' seven seas that actually like the stuff!
Egads! Metal Pirates!

 

by evil_d
9-25-09
Arr! What be all this commotion about?
Cap'n! We've been boarded by Metal Pirates!
Hell yeah! Let's get some real music going in here! I'll go get the distortion pedals while you stay here and practice your growling!
Don't forget the facepaint!
I used ta think an Emo Pirate's worst problem was bein' bored. But bein' boardED be much worse!
We've got ta scare 'em off! Quickly—pipe some Saves the Day through the ship's PA system!

 

by evil_d
10-01-09
I will make a meal of your mind.
We be pirates, matey. Ye'll not find enough brains fer a soup 'twixt the whole crew.
Then I will require a sacrifice of fourteen of your comeliest virgins.
After six months at sea, ye'll not likely find any o' them aboard either.
Fine... what can you do for me?
I kin validate yer dockin' ticket.

 

Why isn't your skin green?
Why aren't you swinging a club?
by evil_d, 10-13-09

 

by evil_d
10-14-09
Ender, how'd you like to be the hero of a story about a smart pre-teen boy who turns out to be special & important like all smart pre-teen boys think they will?
Gosh, let me think about that for a minYES!!
So Valentine, how about helping your sociopathic older brother & erstwhile tormentor graduate from torturing squirrels to trying to rule the world via well-placed internet posts?
HAA HAA HAA HA HA HA HA HA HA ha ha ha ha ha ha... okay, sure.
You know, after seeing only indirect evidence of you guys for years, it's kind of a relief to know that you actually exist.
That's great! Any chance it means you'll stop trying to kill us? Hello??

 

by evil_d
10-17-09
So, uh, can I interest you in staying for breakfast? I make a mean strip of bacon!
Sure! Let me just go freshen up.
PUT SOME CLOTHES ON AND GET THE FUCK OUT YOU STUPID WHORE!!

 

by evil_d
10-21-09
"Sustenance facilitator"
You can supersize that for just 49¢ more.
"Livestock end-of-life counselor"
Hold still, Belinda! Squirming is only gonna make it hurt worse!
"Valuables storage advisor"
You'll put your wallet and jewelry in the bag quickly and quietly if you know what's good for you.

 

by evil_d
10-21-09
"Municipality protection services"
You'll no longer trouble the fair folk of... uh... crap, please don't eat me!
"Senior species adjustor"
Let's see you try to seduce farmgirls looking like that!
"Public opinion supervisor"
Should have gone along with me on the Anglicanism thing, Tom.

 

by evil_d
10-22-09
"Film industry customer relations"
If you guys won't be quiet, I'll have to come back with my manager.
"Foreign citizen viability adjustor"
"Director of electronic entertainment"
Reload!! RELOAD!! DIE, YOU STUPID MUTANT!!!

 

by evil_d
10-22-09
"Wildlife control volunteer"
I was hoping for some venison, but you'll do.
"Juvenile happiness provider"
Who wants a balloon animal?
"Juvenile happiness adjustor"
Who wants to see the back of an ice cream truck?

 

by evil_d
10-23-09
Psst! Little girl! How'd you like to hide a 40-something naked man in your house without telling your family? It's just for a few days until I go back to the future.
Wow, this is the most romantic thing ever!
Isn't it funny how there are some things we both know only because each of us learned it from the other? Kinda paradoxical, right? And also...
YES. THOSE ARE SOME INTERESTING POINTS YOU RAISE. Speaking of things that have nothing to do with what you just said, let's talk about punk rock.
I am going to bear our child if it's the last thing I do, which it very well might be!
I love how you're fine with the whole time travel thing, but haven't grasped the concept of adoption.

 

by evil_d
10-23-09
You say you're a solipsist -- what does that mean?
It's simple. I don't believe that anything exists outside of my own mind. Everyone and everything else is a construct of my imagination. Whenever I sleep, or even just look away, they cease to exist.
Well, that answers that question.

 

by evil_d
11-09-09
I'm talking with Hideki Matsui, designated hitter for the New York Yankees and 2009 World Series MVP. Hideki, thanks for speaking with me.
My pleasure.
Your former team, the Yomiuri Giants, also won this year's Japan Series against the Hokkaido Nippon Ham Fighters. How does that make you feel?
I'm very happy for them. But I also wish I could have been there to play alongside them.
What special talent would you have brought to the team?
A superhuman ability not to burst out laughing whenever I hear the name "Ham Fighters".

 

by evil_d
11-17-09
Hey, I'm looking for a book. Can you help me find it?
Sure, what's it called?
I don't remember. It's popular... my girlfriend wanted it for her birthday.
Do you know the author's name? What it's about? When it was published? The color of the dust jacket?
No, I don't know any of that.
In that case, here it is.

 

by evil_d
11-30-09
We're allowed to study you, visit you, and talk to you, but strictly forbidden to influence the development of your species in any way. So don't learn anything, okay?
Sure; we'll try not to let our awareness of another intelligent species of bipeds that can make clothing, electric fences, and spaceships and has taught us two of its languages affect our daily lives.
I'm part detective, part psychologist, and part eulogist. I've left my family and travelled 22 light-years to solve your problems with my incredible powers of insight!
Problem number one: you're here.
The trees are our fathers. It was they who told us you were coming.
Oh yeah? Well the internet is my girlfriend, and she told me all about you too, so how do you like that?

 

by evil_d
12-07-09
Your total is $32.50.
Oh, uh... it's traditional during Kwanzaa to give customers a 50% discount.
What? That's not true!
How would you know? Do you celebrate Kwanzaa?
No, I guess you're right... okay, $16.25 then.
Of course, our most sacred Kwanzaa tradition is the oral sex with strangers.

 

by evil_d
12-07-09
The ceremonial making of small talk with a cow
Nice weather we're having, isn't it?
The traditional orbiting of the earth
To me, it's just not December 28th if I don't spend it in zero gravity.
The customary playing of practical jokes on people who don't celebrate Kwanzaa
...then after Bessie and I got back from space, it was time for the underwater darts tournament.
What a rich heritage you have.

 

by evil_d
12-08-09
I hate being cold.
But it's not just the discomfort. It's the knowledge that cold is the natural state of the universe. Only a miniscule fraction of space has any heat at all, let alone enough to support life.
One day, the last star in existence will burn out, and that will be it: nothing will ever be warm again. The universe will be dead. And every day of winter is like a little preview of—
Quit whining and finish shoveling the damn sidewalk!

 

by evil_d
12-09-09
The other day I saw a guy on the news whose last name was "Hiscock". All I can say is, if I were that guy's friend, I would never stop laughing.
I'll be back late. Jenkins and I are going into town to shoot some pool with Hiscock.
It seemed like Davis was getting the hang of riding a motorcycle, but Hiscock fell off.

Showing page 12.

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