All comics by evil_d

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by evil_d
12-10-09
The body was just like this when they found it. Can you discern any clues?
My word, Watson! This is a tremendous find!
What is it, Sherlock? A break in the case?
That's the warmest pair of gloves I've ever seen! I don't suppose he'll be needing them anymore, eh?

 

by evil_d
12-10-09
Well, Sherlock? What do you make of it?
Hmm... interesting... yes, very interesting... and that one....
Watson! Let us proceed to the bakery at once!
My god, Sherlock! You don't think the baker did it?
No! But it's almost six o'clock, and they'll be getting rid of the unsold bread.

 

by evil_d
1-21-10
Well, this looks like a quiet place where I can pursue my scholarly but slightly disconcerting studies and indulge my love of adjectives.
BOO!
Damn it! Now I'm insane.

 

by evil_d
2-15-10
To arms, Potential Lad! I've received a distress call from my old ally Waterdude, king of the undersea city of Pacifis!
Wait—you have received it? Don't you usually act on calls before you get them because of your impossible powers?
Waterdude is kind of a jerk, to tell you the truth. Stole my foosball table back in college.
So... how long have you been sitting on this?
Couple of weeks.
You're starting to grow on me, Retroactive Man.

 

by evil_d
2-15-10
Anyway, how are we supposed to get to this underwater kingdom?
We'll take the Retro-sub!
Are you kidding me? You have a fucking submarine? Why have I never heard about this before?
It doesn't come up much.
Fine—I'm in. But I get to fire the torpedoes.
To the Retro-sub!

 

by evil_d
2-15-10
I can't help noticing that there's no scuba gear on this sub.
No need for it! I can breathe underwater! It's a throwback to a time when our evolutionary ancestors still lived in the sea... I guess.
And what about those of us who don't have your absurd and unbelievable powers?
Uh...
I don't know why I expect somebody called "Retroactive Man" to exercise any forethought.
I'm sure you can help from inside the sub by... uh... analyzing the situation... repeatedly.

 

by evil_d
2-15-10
Waterdude! I came as soon as I cared! What's the situation?
Retroactive Man! Thank cod you're here! Pacifis is under siege by the ex-Nazi shark-mutant supervillain, Unterseeherr!
Have you tried giving him Czechoslovakia?
He told me he wouldn't negotiate with anyone who couldn't breathe underwater and then kicked me in the nuts.
I have to admit, that helmet doesn't exactly boost your credibility.
I'm only half merfolk, okay? My mother was from Cleveland! It's not my fault!

 

by evil_d
2-15-10
Will you at least try to talk to Unterseeherr for me?
Fine, lead the way.
Is that kid you hang around with going to be okay on that sub by himself?
He'll be fine. The on-board A.I. can keep him entertained.
So can you play Pokémon on this shit, or what?
I'm afraid I'm not programmed with any games. But my propeller-cleaning routines can be quite amusing!

 

by evil_d
2-15-10
Unterseeherr, you miscreant! It's time for your ass to annex my foot!
We'll see about that, Retroactive Man! I'll make you wish you'd stayed high and dry!
Hang on—I'm sorry, this isn't working for me. I mean, you're supposed to be German, but your English is too polished.
Do you think you could pronounce your Ws as Vs and lapse into German for simple words that I'd be likely to understand?
Nein!

 

by evil_d
2-15-10
What's your game, anyway, Unterseeherr? Why do you want Pacifis?
I want the whole ocean, you fool! When I control the world's waterways, I'll be able to divide and conquer the continents at my leisure!
You know, the seas aren't as important as they used to be. Nowadays we mostly travel by airplane and communicate by satellite, so I don't think you—
Lies and nonsense! You'll see, when I—oof! What the—
Sorry. I retroactively decided not to listen to your drivel and just skip right to beating you up.
Urrrrggh....

 

by evil_d
2-15-10
And that's that! Let's go make sure none of your subjects were harmed in the attack.
Oh... um... I'm sure they're all fine.
Ah... how many subjects do you have here, anyway?
Oh... thousands! Schools and schools of 'em!
How many that aren't fish?
...counting myself?

 

by evil_d
2-15-10
So in the end, you saved a kingdom of zero citizens from a guy who wouldn't have gotten what he wanted out of conquering it?
That's about the size of it.
Hey, I think your watery friend is chasing after us. He looks pretty mad.
That may be because he's noticed his foosball table is missing.
So is it time for me to fire those torpedoes now?
Fire at will, Potential Lad, old chum. Fire at will.

 

by evil_d
2-25-10
Advocates for the mentally disabled are calling for a complete end to the use of the word "retarded" in both casual and clinical contexts, saying that it is offensive and derogatory.
"Retarded" was itself introduced in the 1950s as a polite replacement for words like "idiot" and "moron", which had been deemed too offensive for continued use in clinical settings.
Likely candidates to replace "retarded" include "special" and "challenged". Linguistics experts project that those words, in turn, will become unspeakably rude within about 30 years.
At this rate, experts say that as much as 40% of English vocabulary could be unusable in polite conversation within a few centuries, unless a language recycling program is implemented.
Activists have as yet given no insight into how they plan to stop teenage boys, the most frequent users of the "r-word", from insulting one another by drawing comparisons to mentally deficient people.
As a former teenage boy myself, I'd like to suggest "mind control drugs in the water supply" as the most plausible method.

 

They've killed Santiago Nasar!
Really? Who knew?
by evil_d, 3-01-10

 

by evil_d
3-09-10
Gosh, Dewitt, it sure would be fun to explore the abandoned mine... but I know Mom wouldn't like it.
Dewitt! Dewitt!
Well, buddy, I'm home from school and we have the whole afternoon ahead of us. What do you want to do?
Smokeup! Smokeup!
Mom, I don't think I like my new pet. He keeps following me around and saying the same thing over and over.
Kilyermom. Kilyermom. Killllllyerrrrmoooom.

 

by evil_d
4-01-10
Telegram.

 

by evil_d
4-05-10
Since the surfboard hasn't been invented, I amuse myself by pretending my gang of teenagers is a revolutionary cell. The funny part is we actually can beat armed soldiers somehow.
I can't forgive you for asking my mom to risk her life to save mine! I'm so angry I could help you fight dozens of battles without saying anything about it!
Hey, grandpa, I really appreciate you all standing by me, even though I keep changing my mind about what to fight for, and I'm from you-know-where.
First of all, I'm like 35, and second, based on your accent, I assume "you-know-where" is Australia.
I want you to kill me and my magic robot friends so God will come back.
You think you can tell us what to do? I'll kill you for that!

 

by evil_d
4-19-10
I'm really depressed, Mr. Voltaire. My girlfriend broke up with me.
Girlfriend?? Be thankful you haven't yet lost a limb and been sold into slavery! Take it from me, kid, everybody in the world thinks they have the most miserable sob story anybody ever heard!
I never thought about that. I guess they can't all be right.
The hell they can't! Life is nothing but an unending stream of pain and misfortune -- and don't even start with me about how there must be some kind of reason or purpose to it!
So, life sucks and then you die, is that it?
You wish! Life sucks and then you think you're going to die, but you get spared so you can suffer some more! If you want my advice, find a hobby that keeps you too busy to get into trouble.

 

by evil_d
7-19-10
Miss Miller, your unchaperoned walks with your foreign beau are absolutely scandalous! People will think that—you know—that you're going to get married to a commoner!
Oh, haha! I thought you were going to say they'd think I was having premarital sex!
What's "sex"?
Anyway, it's not just your reputation at stake, it's also your health! If you keep going out with boys late at night, you'll catch malaria!
THAT IS NOT HOW IT WORKS

 

by evil_d
8-03-10
My pals and I have some devices that let us explore other people's dreams & steal their secrets. You'd think news of this technology would have spread like wildfire, but no.
I need you to put together a team that can plant an idea in somebody's mind. Make sure to include a pretty girl who can solve all your psychological problems.
In the dream world, you can create anything you can imagine! Like... fancy hotels! Or car chases!
What if I can imagine things that haven't been in a million Hollywood movies already?
Well, we're safely back in reality now. OR ARE WE?? You can decide for yourself what this story is about! Isn't that so clever?
I could have stayed home and done that for free, jackass!

 

by evil_d
8-07-10
Let's go, buddy. You're going to be spending a lot of time behind bars.
That's the perfect job for me! I'm a good listener, and I know a lot of cocktail recipes.
I'm not talking about being a bartender! I mean they're going to put you in the big house!
You're buying me a mansion? That's so nice of you!
No, you idiot! I mean you're going to end up in the joint!
Hey man, I don't partake, but if you do, that's cool.

 

by evil_d
9-10-10
We're going to kill some of your people because you killed some of our people because we killed some of your people because you killed some of
your people because you killed some of our people because we killed some of your people because you killed some of our people because we killed
some of our people because we killed some of your people because you killed some of our people because we killed some of your people because
we killed some of your people because you killed some of our people because we killed some of your people because you killed some of our people
because you killed some of our people because we killed some of your people because you killed some of our people because we killed some of your
people because we killed some of your people because you deal with the crushing horror of existence by telling yourselves a different set of lies than we do.

 

by evil_d
9-23-10
Do I love you? Well, let me put it this way: of all the things I do to kill time, you're the prettiest to look at.
You're so funny! Let's get married!
Members of the jury, I ask you to find this man guilty on the grounds that he didn't express grief in the proper way after his mother's death! Oh, plus I think he killed a guy or something.
Okay, first, that killing was totally justified because the victim's sister was cheating on this guy my client knew. Second, the dude was only an Arab, so who cares anyway, right?
Faced with the prospect of death, I suddenly find myself overcome with the desire to live! Just don't ask me what for....

 

by evil_d
12-16-10
Half my family got killed, but my uncle is teaching me to be an assassin so I can get revenge! I can blend into crowds and strike without being seen!
That's especially impressive considering that you're the most flamboyantly dressed person in the entire country.
Well, Ezio, 10 years have passed, even though every place & person you know look exactly the same. We're ready to induct you into the brotherhood of Assassins.
You're joking, right? I've been the most feared and notorious killer in Italy for a decade! I should be deciding whether you can be an assassin!
Thanks for helping us uncover the Templar conspiracy, Desmond.
What conspiracy? I'm just here because I heard there was a video game where you could kick the Pope in the crotch.

 

by evil_d
12-29-10
In Swan Lake, one dancer plays two challenging roles that are polar opposites. You'd think it would be easier to have two different dancers play those parts, but where's the drama in that?
Ooh, ooh, pick me! I'm in my early 20s, so I'm like a senior citizen in ballet years, and I need to get a big role soon, so I can become a bitter old has-been instead of a bitter old never-was!
To play the Black Swan effectively, you must be able to seduce the audience. Don't worry, though; in this film, "seduce" just means "force yourself upon sexually".
Thanks for not cutting me, even though we open tomorrow and I still haven't gotten the part right. I was worried that there would be, like, consequences for underperforming.
All this pressure is really taking a psychological toll on me. I'm not even sure anymore what's real and—Tyler Durden? What are you doing here?
I'm here to take my shtick back.

 

by evil_d
1-21-11
The school's annual Tug of War contest was never the same after the Supreme Court ended robot segregation in 2063.

 

by evil_d
2-24-11
Sire, the people are upset about some of the new laws. Particularly the ones saying that peasants are to "go naked at all times, swimming at least once a day, and pay all taxes in blood or flesh."
Upset? You tell that rabble they'll do what their King says and like it. First one who gives you trouble, you run 'im through, just to make an example.
Of course, your highness.
Have to admit I don't understand the nudity myself.
Clothes get stuck in my teeth.

 

by evil_d
2-25-11
"Who so Pulleth Out This Sword of this Sheath, is Rightwise King Born of England."
I think I can handle that.
"Who so Pulleth Out This Phone of this Cradle, and with it Call 1-900-HOT-CHIX, is Rightwise King Born of England."
Really? Because I was going to do that anyway.
"Who so Best This Emu at the Game of Basket-Ball Upon the Eve of Michaelmas, is Rightwise King Born of England."
O... kay....

 

by evil_d
2-25-11
Well, Tweety, the divorce was finalized today. It's officially just you and me now. At least I know that you can't leave me... heh heh.

 

by evil_d
3-04-11
Haven't seen you in a while. What have you been up to?
Experimenting with various social networking APIs. Through creative interfacing of Facebook and Foursquare, I've managed to get myself declared Mayor of Farmville.
Ha ha, that's pretty funny. But... why would you want to do that?
Taxes, mostly. I'm getting 2% of the value of every gift. Even better, I'm collecting a massive 50% estate tax on all farms that have been inactive for over six months.
So... what are you going to do with that many farm coins?
In a week or so I'll have enough funds to raise the largest army of Neopets the world has ever seen. Then, we march on Tumblr.

 

by evil_d
3-24-11
The following are verbatim quotes from the travel brochure you got:
"No amenities" ... "ideal site for stargazing" ... "peace and quiet like you've never experienced anywhere on earth" ...
Look, Betty, a man can only go to Disney World so many times.
... "plenty of campground on the shores of what locals call the 'Sea of Tranquility'" ...
Okay, I admit that one should have been a clue.

 

by evil_d
4-28-11
Lord, what is the goal of life?
It's simple, my son. Find something you love doing...
...and then never do it again.
Uh... and then?
Repeat from step 1.

 

by evil_d
5-31-11
Okay, Hercules. For your third labor, I want you to obtain the Hind of Ceryneia.
No problem!
Hey, Ceryneia! Lemme see that sweet hind of yours! King's orders!
You idiot. A "hind" is a female deer. And Ceryneia is a town fifty miles from here.
How hot are the women there?

 

by evil_d
6-01-11
I heard that if you watch Michael Bay's movie Transformers: Dark of the Moon while simultaneously listening to Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon, you'll get depressed and kill yourself.
Also, if you leave out the Pink Floyd, the same thing happens.

 

by evil_d
6-08-11
...thus proving definitively that Christopher Marlowe was indeed the true author of several works usually attributed to William Shakespeare.
Next, Time Travelling Detectives will check in on Pierre de Fermat. Did he really prove his Last Theorem, or was he just yanking our chains? But first, these messages.
Coming this fall to The History Channel, it's Sarah Palin's Washington!
The Jefferson Memorial here is one of my favorite sights! Ol' Teddy Jefferson was God Bless America's first president, and he said: "The tree of liberty needs lots of oil, so let's start drilling!"
Cancelled?? But we were doing so well!
Damndest thing. Apparently you went from millions of viewers to zero almost instantaneously.

 

by evil_d
6-15-11
You want to go BASE jumping? Absolutely not! It's much too dangerous!
Aww! But all my friends are going to do it!
If all of your friends jumped off a bridge, would you do that?
I'm trying to!

 

by evil_d
7-18-11
The pay here is crap. The only reason I don't turn to mugging is because I can't afford to buy a gun!
Hell, don't let that stop you. Most people will be scared if they even think you might have a gun.
I'll bet you could hold somebody up with a taco. Just keep it in your coat pocket, point it at them, and say "Give me your wallet!"
The next day:
BA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

 

by evil_d
9-24-11
Spock, I've been experiencing a burning sensation when I transport. What could that mean?
According to these readings, you've contracted a severe case of spaceshiphilis.
What? Do you mean to say I've got Klingons on my moons??
It would seem that your years of bedding genetically incompatible females have caught up with you.
I've witnessed the return of Herpes Comet??
Count your blessings, Captain. At least it's not aster-AIDS.

 

So... what do you guys do for fun around here?
by evil_d, 10-18-11

 

by evil_d
10-31-11
Hey Crab, I bought a race car and painted a big red "S" on the side. Do you know why?
Tee hee! No, Snail, why?
Because "S" is the first letter of "Screw you, Crab! You stole my girlfriend and I hate you!"
I'll get around to painting the rest eventually.

 

by evil_d
10-31-11
Two muffins were sitting in an oven. One says, "Getting pretty hot in here!" The other says, "AAAAAAAAAAHH! A talking muffin!"
AAAAAAAAAAAHH! A talking crab!

 

by evil_d
10-31-11
Knock, knock.
Who's
MOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
These days you have to start that one pretty early to get the jump on people.

 

by evil_d
11-03-11
My parents' generation saw a man walk on the moon. Mine may be the first to see space tourism. Our children may even get to live on other planets.
And what next? First contact? Before I die, will I finally know the answer to the age-old question of whether we're alone in the universe?
So what's the verdict on this rock?
Promising ecology, but no counter-gravity fields and no species with more than five senses. Let's mark it for follow-up in another million years.

 

by evil_d
11-18-11
So I'm all "I need more power!" and Scotty's all "I canna give her more power!" but he totally could.
Ha ha! Isn't it just like a Scotsman to be so stingy?
JOHNSON! I'm surprised at you! I don't want to hear that kind of ugly talk on my ship again!
I mean, this is the 23rd century, for God's sake! We're prejudiced against Klingons and Vulcans now! Get with the program!
It won't happen again, sir.

 

by evil_d
2-07-12
My wife has always liked banjo music, so I got her a Sanford & Sons album for her birthday.
Uh... you mean Mumford & Sons?
No, I'm pretty sure it's Sanford & Sons. You know, that British group?
...has she listened to it yet?
♫ You hear that, Elizabeth? I'm coming to join ya! ♫

 

by evil_d
3-13-12
My children, do not let scientists trick you into believing in dinosaurs. God planted those bones in the ground to test our faith!
I sure did! And man, you have no idea how funny it is to watch those guys spend their whole lives obsessing over a practical joke!
Er... my Lord? Is it really you? Have you come to earth to begin the Rapture, and summon the faithful to your side?
Eh, not exactly. I'm getting bored with this game, so I came to stir up some tornadoes and floods before I start over. Think I'll make frogs the dominant species!
Anyhow, if I were you guys, I'd buy umbrellas. I mean, you're screwed either way, but it might make you feel better. Toodle-oo!

 

by evil_d
5-08-12
Dad, I still don't understand why we take the humans and insert tubes into their waste canals.
Well, we can't communicate with the humans, but we know they enjoy waste-canal insertion since we found two of them doing it in a field.
So now, every few months, we bring a chosen few up to the ship to further our mission of bringing them happiness and love!
I guess that makes sense. But why do we do it to the cows?
Surprised Moos Vol. 1 was a best-selling album for nine straight weeks!

 

by evil_d
5-09-12
Those Jerries think they've got us pinned down, but we ain't givin' up yet!
Johnson! Callahan! I want you to circle around and attack their flank, on the double!
And for the love of God stop looking like a pair of feet!

 

by evil_d
5-22-12
You are standing inside the temple in Jerusalem. Several moneychangers and other merchants are operating tables here. There are exits to the north, east, south, and west.
TALK TO MERCHANTS
The merchants are too busy to talk with you right now.
QUOTE SCRIPTURE TO MERCHANTS
I don't understand what you want to do with the merchants.
FLIP TABLES

 

by evil_d
5-31-12
The Hunger Games are an annual event in which 24 random teenagers fight to the death for no good reason. Of course WE don't know anyone who'd want to watch such a barbaric display, do we, viewer?
Because this is Bizarro World, adults all tolerate this arrangement and no teenage boys are eager to participate. By the way, please pardon my non-ridiculous hair; my stylist has the day off.
I'm a good-looking underdog from a poor rural district. I'm only here because I'm deeply compassionate, and I have to rely on my wits and independent spirit to succeed.
And I'm secretly in love with her! If you still think there's the slightest chance that one of us might NOT win, get this: you're not even going to learn the names of most of the other contestants.
Well, I sure am glad I managed to get through this without having to make any difficult ethical decisions or be directly responsible for anyone else's death.
And I'm glad that pining for a pretty girl was enough to compensate for my lack of other interesting character traits. Just like in real life!

Showing page 13.

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