All comics by Scyess

Profile

 

by Scyess
12-17-02
I'm sorry your pet-shopping experience didn't go better.
Me too. I thought cats were cute and fluffy, but it turns out they're self-centered, sadistic, and basically evil.
So, um, why did you get one?
It made me.
"Hey, bitch! Come fix me some food or I'll claw your eyes out."
I see...
Listen, I gotta go...

 

by Scyess
12-17-02
I may be new around here, but I'm a carnivore and you're an herbivore, which means I'll be in charge from now on.
...I also weigh 50x more than you do. And pink cows are carnivores, as I'll demonstrate if you'll kindly stand still for just a second...
Yeow!!!
Come back here!
**~~~**~~~**~~~**~~~**~~~TWANG~~~**
I may be new around here, but I'm free and you're chained to the closet, which means I'll be in charge from now on. ...um, except near the closet.
Was it the chain that went "Twang" or was that my spine?

 

by Scyess
12-17-02
What's new, Jon? I heard you got a cat.
Yes... I got the demon cat from the 9th pit of Hell. He'd sooner shred you than look at you. I hate him. Maybe you can help me, you know... "get rid" of him...
This one here? But he's so cute!
Purr.
Uuhhh, can I come over to your house for a while? I'm requesting asylum.
Request denied.

 

by Scyess
12-17-02
Hi! Jon said you were acting a bit naughty, so I've come over to ask you about what you think happens to your soul after you die.
Hm... I never really thought about it...
Well, then --
...and I'm not about to start now.
Well, Earl, thanks for trying anyway.
Shu up and hep me fin my tongue.

 

by Scyess
12-17-02
I thought I heard that cat messing with your Launches-Fish-out-of-a-Cannon-Man stuff.
Yep. He's destroying my life, and now he's destroying my ability to be a super-hero, too. He's even eating all the fish!
You mean he is right now eating all the fish you store in that big, loaded cannon?
Yeah. Hey, yeah....
...the barbed wire, broken glass, and throwing dart factory today was assaulted by a mysterious person known only as "Launches-Cats-out-of-a-Cannon-Man."
Hooray!

 

by Scyess
12-17-02
It's a good thing all cats go to heaven. I can claw your eyes out for all eternity and there's nothing you can do about it.
-----*****~~~~~BLAMMO!!~~~~~*****-----
Hm. I seem to be a victim of some disinformation.
Hi. I'm a friend of Jon's.

 

by Scyess
12-18-02
Hello, Mrs. Veldimunth? I'm afraid I've got bad news. Your son stole your Ferarri and wrapped it around a VW Beetle at 90 MPH. We're doing what we can, but it's touch-and-go.
Oh my God! I'll be right there!
Please tell me everything will be all right!!
We're doing everything we can. Almost every joint is broken. The wounds might just be cosmetic, but it's hard to tell because of the severe burns all over the body.
Please, please let me know as soon as you have any more information. I'm going to go find out what hospital my son's at now.
It's not going to be easy to get his blood out of the upholstry, either.

 

by Scyess
12-18-02
Ah, my brand-new Sony CLIÉ™ NX70V Palmtop. It has a built in camera and DVD player. It comes with 16 MB of RAM, and a Memory Stick Expansion port.
It has a voice recorder, MP3 audio player, and the optional wireless LAN card. It's running Palm OS 5.0.1 and even has a QWERTY keyboard. Holy hell, but I am the shit.
Hey, Barry, have you seen my CLIÉ™ NX80V? It's like the NX70V, but it has a built-in bagel slicer.
CIRCUIT CITY
Holy hell, but I am such a tool.
One Sony NX80V; That'll be $900.

 

by Scyess
12-19-02
Step 1: Take the leg of one horse. Follow the horse's instructions precicely.
Are you deaf? I don't need to explain my art to you.
Well, will you at least tell me how to get horse blood out of white spandex?
Step 2: Feed pudding to unsuspecting, hippy-looking murder witness.
I made this for you! I swear it has nothing to do with my wanting you permanently silenced for witnessing that bloody murder I committed!
Wow! You're so nice!
Step 3: Witness will die a quick and painless death. Unless he's been sleeping with Michael Jackson, in which case he will just develop a silly accent and be useless on the witness stand. Serves 4.
Ah swear! Ah ne'er tooched his wee anaconda!
I think I'm going to be sick.

 

by Scyess
1-08-03
I've decided I want to go back to school to better my life. What do you think of these classes I circled?
Let's see... "Beginning Knitting," "Ceramics: Contemporary Pasta Bowls," "Feminist Research Methods," "The Politics of Marriage," "Anti-Aging Facial Exercise,"
"Introduction to African American Religion," "Rubber Stamp: Basic Skills," "Pop Music in American Culture," "Feminist Literary Criticism," "Reproductive Politics," "The Enjoyment of Music,"
Sorry, folks. That's the whole joke. These are actual courses taught at actual universities and colleges in Scyess' area.
"History of Funeral Service," "Dog Massage," Ooo... "Realize Your Dreams!" When did they learn to teach that in one class? Sign me up.

 

by Scyess
1-08-03
But... it's what I've always wanted to do! If I take enough classes, and get good grades. I'll work really hard!
I'm not saying you couldn't do it, I'm just saying that it's probably a tough job market to break into...
I can do it if I just believe in myself! You'll see.
Okay. It's your money.
4 years later...
...and you'll see from my resume I am more than qualified for the position. Are you SURE you're not retiring soon?
When I find out who made up the "Santa Claus" major I'm going to leave him a stocking full of reindeer poop.

 

by Scyess
1-09-03
Well, I've decided going back to college isn't for me. But I am going to take this seminar on "How to Invest Your Money Wisely."
...if you don't have a big enough sock, panty hose will work. Wad up the bills real tight so they'll all fit, and then tie off the end and hide it under your bed. Any questions?
How was the seminar?
I wish I'd taken it last year.

 

by Scyess
1-09-03
Harvard, 1975
...so in times of economic recession, a tax cut can help stimulate the economy. Yes... a question from Mr. Bush?
Call me George, Ma'am. My question is, how can you cut taxes without also cutting spending or running a deficit?
*BRI~~~~ING*
Sorry, there's the bell. I'll answer your question in the next class.
But this is the last class!
Yesterday
...our stimulus package will cut taxes by $1.2 trillion over the next 10 years, but we must increase our military budget by $600 billion. Any questions? Oh, sorry, I think that was the bell.
He must know what he's doing... I mean he did go to Harvard and all...

 

by Scyess
1-11-03
Wow! I can't believe you got advanced copies of the whole trilogy!
Hey, anything for my favorite Tolkien fan. Let's watch in the den.
"Well, if it isn't my old friend, Dildo Drippins!" "Why, hello, Dongsquirt Cumchew! Care to come into my 'hobbit hole'?"
. . . !
DAMMIT, JIM, THIS TAPE SAYS "LORD OF THE REEMS!"
I know! You can tell how good an author is by how well his novels translate into gay porn.

 

by Scyess
1-14-03
All right, Jon. You wanted some sexual experience, and I'm going to show you how to get some. So stop yer bitchin', okay?
Okay, Jim, but...
All right, ready? Let's go through the checklist! Gloves! _______________ Instruments! _______________ Restraints! _______________ Protection! _______________ Semen!
Rubber Gloves! Check! _______________ Long, metal dildo! Check! _______________ Lasso-rope, check! _______________ Helmet, catcher's pads, protective cup! Check! _______________ Bull semen, check!
All right! Let's go artificially inseminate some cows. (I wish you would stop calling the inseminator a "long, metal dildo.")
I wish you would stop calling artificially insiminating cattle "sexual experience."

 

by Scyess
1-14-03
Damn, Jon, it sounds like you've really got the hang of this whole bovine insemination process.
MOO!! MOOOOOOO!! MOOooooooooOOOO!!!
Hey, you're not Jon.
Jon went home. Now let me show you how bovine insemination is REALLY done.
That's not very high tech. Besides, I kept getting thrown when I tried that.
It's all in the hips.

 

by Scyess
1-14-03
Hello, Bova, my darling. I got your note, but I couldn't read it.
Moo!
Translation: "It said I found out you were at the bovine insemination yard all afternoon with Jim, you illiterate pervert. I never want to see you again."
Moo!
Hey, who are you calling illiterate, Miss "Tries to Write a Note without Opposable Thumbs?" Hey, come back!

 

by Scyess
1-14-03
How DARE you not agree that my fingernail polish matches my hair elastic!
GARGH!!!
Ow... Hey, why am I stuck to the floor?
Hi, Jon. My tube of super glue sprung a leak, so I emptied it into your shampoo bottle. I hope you don't mind.
Damn! My woman caught me cheating with a whole stockyard of heifers, now I have to decide whether to dump her or apologize. Man, women are such a pain in the ass.
Wow. You sure have it tough. Now be a friend and douse my head in turpentine, won't you?

 

by Scyess
1-14-03
Cowdjinn! Remember me? Clara! We had that "romantic encounter" the other day. Well, we're going to have a calf! Isn't it great? What should we name him?
How about "Veal?"
What? You sick bastard! You knocked me up, and as the father you will take responsibility, dammit!
Um, I knocked you up in the industrialized ranch where you are routinely inseminated to produce offspring for eating.
*sigh* "Veal" it is then.
So, before I call the ranch and report your whereabouts, got time for a quickie? *wink*

 

by Scyess
2-04-03
 Oh, the Earth is our Mother, oh the eagle flies free... ♫
Gee, Earl... I didn't know you liked shit hippy acoustic music.
I don't. This is the Native American folk music radio show.
♫ The White Man took my land / Don't understand / It was planned I be banned... 
... now it sounds like overproduced shit rap music.
Silly boy! This music is sung by Native Americans about Native American things, and therefore is classified as "Native American."
 Oh, gotta follow the call / Oh, gotta follow 'em all... ♫
So this isn't really shit pop that would make even Brittney Spears gag...
Oh, no! It's cultural.

 

by Scyess
2-04-03
What are all these wierd comic books?
Oh, I've started reading this neat series about a guy who reads comics.
What's so neat about that?
Well, the comic he reads is also about a guy who reads a comic. And that guy's comic is about a guy who reads a comic, etc.
So it just goes on forever in both directions?
Well, obviously not in BOTH directions, because then I'd also have to be in a comic about a guy who reads comics...

 

by Scyess
2-06-03
Nice day for a walk, isn't it?
Think, Jon, think. Why did she ask you to go walking? Did she just want a friend to walk with? Is she interested in me? Does she want to find out if I'm interested in her? What's so nice about today?
You'd better watch where you're going instead of me or you might impale yourself on a giant pencil!
What does that mean? Does she think I'm staring at her too much? Does she not like my looking at her? Or is she trying reverse psychology? Is that giant pencil some kind of subliminal phalic message?
The pencil thing must be it. I think I can figure this girl out if I can only understand what she meant by "impale yourself on a giant pencil." Think, Jon... think!

 

by Scyess
2-06-03
Hey, how did you get those scars above your eyes?
What? Oh, those. It's a long story. The short version is there was this helpless young girl lost in a dark alley one rainy night. I noticed some suspicious characters following her, so I...
Oh, wait. My bad. Those're just your eyebrows.
Anyway, you were saying...?
...so I bought some tweezers and plucked my eyebrows. The end.

 

by Scyess
2-10-03
Where are you off to in such a hurry?
Jon's house. I have a date.
Good lord. Why, after taking so long to meticulously tease and torture him, have you decided to start dating him now?
I haven't. I have a date with his pet cow, Cowdjinn.
Wow. I think "meticulous" was the understatement of the century.
And what do you mean "tease and toruture?" I just like to hospitalize him once in a while. It's good for him... or something.

 

by Scyess
2-11-03
Thanks for coming. Shall we go?
Isn't it kind of rude of you not to ask me in?
Um, don't you think Jon will be jealous that we have a date?
So?
Hm. Interesting point.
Yeah. I mean, if he gets annoying we can always beat him into next week.

 

by Scyess
2-11-03
I don't know why everyone thinks Jon will react badly to our having a date.
Hm... it certianly couldn't be because he's had a crush of nearly illegal calibur on you since he met you.
No way!
Maybe you'll recall his literally going through hell for permission to date you? His constant come ons? The time he tried to kiss you?
Oh, I'm sure he's gotten over that by now. Well, except for the physical injuries.
It was a week ago Thursday.

 

by Scyess
2-11-03
Wow... so Jon really has a crush on me?
Of course! That's why I was hoping we could sneak out to avoid hurting his feelings.
If you're so worried about his feelings, why did you agree to go out with me in the first place?
Well?
Ha! Watch me deftly thwart your attempt to change the subject! Let me just get my hat and we'll go.

 

by Scyess
2-11-03
Cows don't wear hats.
For some reason, it just occured to me that someone coming in in the middle of this conversation wouldn't know what the hell was going on.
Then it's a good thing your life doesn't take place inside a randomly searchable three-panel comic. Let me just go get my mittens.

 

by Scyess
2-11-03
Wow. Thanks for the lovely date, Cowdjinn. I'll see you later?
Why end it so early?
I mean, you know, technically, I'm naked.
Is that you, Cowdjinn? Where's your skin?
I just... cut myself shaving, that's all.

 

by Scyess
2-11-03
Damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn...
SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT!!!
A few days earlier...
Hey dude! I'll bet you ten bucks you can't eat all these packets of habenero-flavored MSG and spend a week in the desert.
Oh yeah, smart guy! Well you'd better start saving up now, 'cause you're gonna be, like, $10 poorer!

 

by Scyess
2-17-03
I know we've only been dating a short while, Tataki, but I think it's time we took the next step in our relationship.
You mean matching jogging suits?
No, no... I mean something more... you know. Physical.
Matching rock-climbing outfits?
No, no, no... you know. I was thinking maybe we should get more... intimate.
Monogramed rock-climbing outfits? You animal!

 

by Scyess
2-17-03
Why are we meeting in a dark alley in the middle of the night?
I think Jon is starting to suspect something. We need to be a little more discreet with our relationship.
Why?
Because I live with him! He's my best friend, and think of my position if he found out I was dating the girl he'd tried to get for 2 years!
Sure, Captain Ego, but how would it affect me?
We've only been dating a few weeks; I'm pretty sure you're supposed to hide your complete lack of respect for me at least until we're married.

 

by Scyess
2-17-03
I think Cowdjinn has been sneaking around with Tataki recently, and I think he suspects I know something.
So I'm just going to stand here and stare at him with the "evil eye" until he breaks down and confesses. I can feel him cracking already.
But I will show no mercy. I'm going to burn my gaze into his soul until he cracks. I'm going to crush him with the weight of my unspoken accusation.
Oh! Hey! Jon! How long have you been standing there?

 

by Scyess
2-17-03
DAMMIT! HOW COULD YOU DO IT? HOW COULD YOU TURN AROUND AND SLEEP WITH THE GIRL I'VE HAD A CRUSH ON FOR TWO YEARS?!?! WHAT KIND OF FRIEND ARE YOU?
Well... do you remember when we first met?
Sure I'll move with you, but I'm warning you. I'm the kind of friend who would turn around and sleep with a girl you've had a crush on for two years. Or consistently beat you at Bubble Bobble.
Oh, Cowdjinn, you big kidder you.
Yeah, I remember. I sure gave you a run for your money at Bubble Bobble, though!
Um, right. Try to keep up with the conversation for once, won't you?

 

by Scyess
2-18-03
I'm sorry I'm dating the girl you like, but it's not like you were actually dating her. I didn't want you to feel betrayed.
Well, I feel betrayed, but you're right. I was never good enough for her.
I didn't want you to feel betrayed and inadequate.
Well, I feel betrayed and inadequate. But there is some freedom in being able to give up hope completely.
I didn't want you to feel betrayed, inadequate, hopeless -- or depressed or dejected or inconvenienced or underdressed or anything else so can we please get on with the conversation?
Well, I feel rushed.

 

by Scyess
2-18-03
How did you two hook up?
She approached me. I think she heard I eat people and was impressed.
And you've already slept with her?
No, you made that part up yourself. I haven't touched her. Yet.
So when she heard about your affinity towards "eating" people...
...yes, she knew it meant that I partake of humans as meals. Not what you were thinking, you pervert. (Unfortunately.)

 

by Scyess
2-18-03
You know I'm not happy with your dating Tataki, but at least you've convinced me that your motives are pure.
Of course! What other motives could I possibly have?
Oh, I dunno... making millions setting up a "Cow on Girl" live feed web cam?
Jon, don't be preposter- um, did you say make millions?
Um... no! Lose! I said "lose millions!"
Woah, but look at the time! Gotta go... um... register my aloe plant! Later! *SLAM*

 

by Scyess
2-18-03
Tataki... we've been dating for a while now and... I think it's time... well... that I explained the birds and the bees to you...
...okay. I'm listening.
"Basically, it's like this..."
Bitch, you WILL lather yourself up in rhubarb jelly and give my face a lap-dance on my web cam!
Anything, dominant male! You're my hero! Maybe I can make you a sandwich first?
Fool. Rhubarb jelly doesn't lather.
Not that I don't appreciate the tips, but ...whenever you feel like removing my face from my ass would be fine with me...

 

by Scyess
2-18-03
Hey, there, little girl.
My mommy told me not to talk to strangers.
...but you just talked to me! Your mommy would be mad. You'd better come with me until it's safe to come out.
Oh, you're right! Why don't I just come with you! Do you maybe have a big, dark van to hide me in? Maybe wearing a ball-gag would make mommy less mad at me!
Maybe I should've just brought some chloroform.
No, really, I'd love to have my name on a milk carton! Or to be buried in the woods in an unmarked pit! I can't wait! Loser. Now get the hell away before I mace your ass.

 

by Scyess
2-18-03
The ancient tome said I could unleash the Ultimate Evil on the world by saying "ducky" backwards into a mirror 700 times. Here goes...
"ykcud ,ykcud ,ykcud ,ykcud ,ykcud ,ykcud..." ah, screw this. This is boring.
And thus, the world is saved from destruction. Again.
I told you you should've made it just 2 or 3 times.
Oh, shut up.

 

by Scyess
2-18-03
I've decided to break up with Tataki.
Really? Why?
Oh, something about the way she defined "physical intimacy" as kicking my ass.
Then why does she seem to think y'all're still going out tonight?
Did I mention the part about how she can kick my ass?
Ah, yes.

 

by Scyess
2-19-03
You're a gol-durned bastard.
Don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry...
What the... You're turning into a giant green mass of pure muscle!
No, I only look like this until the transformation is complete...
Ugh. You're right. I don't like you when you're angry. Gol-durned lycanthropic French bastard.
Lahk I care what yewr inferior culture has prograhmed yew to thank of me, yew worhthless deohdorant-wearing Amerhican.

 

by Scyess
2-19-03
Hi, Jon. What's new?
Sanna, I need your help. We have to break up Cowdjinn and Tataki by pretending to be "together" and making her jealous.
So what do we have to do? Hang around together a lot in public, kissing?
Well, ye- gah! Wha- you... me... public... kissing... me... ggwwaaaaAAHHHH!!!!
----------------------------------------*FOOM!*-------
Not that I needed an excuse not to kiss you, but you can forget it.
I am not a spaz! I am not... oh, what's the use.

 

by Scyess
2-19-03
It's an interesting question. Is an 8-year old attracted to other 8-year-olds still a pedophile?
Sure, he's attracted to people his own age, but they're still minors and not sexually developed. So is it pedophilia or not? I say not.
Actually, it probably doesn't matter, since 8-year-olds aren't usually sexually attracted to anyone... which is further evidence that you're not actually an 8-year-old.
Am too! Come to my house to see my... um... Pokemon cards. Gotta poke 'em all!

 

by Scyess
2-24-03
This just in! Carol Mosley-Braun announced that she will run for president, bringing the number of Democratic Party candidates to 51,238.
Stupid announcments. *CLICK*
*CLICK* ...has just announced his candidacy, bringing the total number of Democratic Party candidates to 230,017.
Geez... *CLICK*
*CLICK* ...has just been confirmed that every single US Citizen over 35 besides George Bush is vying for the Democratic Party nomination.
AM I THE ONLY PERSON WHO REALIZES THE ELECTION IS 20 MONTHS AWAY???

 

by Scyess
2-26-03
I'm an old-school vegetarian. I call myself "vegetarian" even though I eat poultry and fish. ...maybe because I think they're vegetables.
I'm an ova-lacto vegetarian. I don't eat meat, but I still eat eggs and dairy. I'm probably on my animal-rights high-horse but am too weak to stop eating food I like.
I'm a vegan. I don't eat or wear or use anything that comes from animals, because animals are people, too. Isn't that right, my fuzzy friend?
For the last time, I'm not a vegetarian; I'm a herbivore!
I'm a homo-potens vegetarian. I don't eat any meat except the for the flesh of my fallen enemies so that I might aborb their spirit and gain their power.
I'm a... er... I'm a-gonna go stand somewhere else.

 

by Scyess
2-26-03
Any ideas on how I can gracefully break up with Tataki?
No, but I told Hal about it and he said he had some ideas.
Wow, thanks Hal! What have --
YOU BOVINE BASTARD! HOW DARE YOU DATE THE WOMAN I LOVE! I'M GOING TO EAT YOUR NOSTRILS FOR BREAKFAST!!!
You know, it was kind of an odd threat.
Not as odd as having prosthetic nostrils will be.

 

by Scyess
2-26-03
You can't go around beating people up like that.
That's what YOU think. I can beat up anyone I want, because I'm stronger, faster, and better.
Because I have no fear of reprecussions, I can pretty much beat whom I please, when I pl-
Hey, you! I heard you beat up my boyfriend. Prepare to die.
So I'm sorry, what were you saying before we were so rudely interrupted by your receiving a brutal ass-kicking?
Um... I don't remember. Right now let's talk about finding the rest of my body parts.

 

by Scyess
2-26-03
I whipped that guy who kicked your ass the other day.
Wow! I'm so lucky to have you as a girlfriend.
Ha! You lost THAT privlidge when you lost a fight to such a pansy. Consider this a break-up beating. HAIYA!
GAH!
Women: can't live with 'em...
Hey, keep your own blood on YOUR half of the sidewalk.

 

by Scyess
3-05-03
Oh, hi! Excuse me, but... are you a man?
Er, well, yes...
I thought so. HAIYA!
AWK!
I take it from the smoking pile of human-like remains behind you that you've filled today's quota.
Yep! I even got in an extra one in at lunch.

Showing page 14.

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