All comics by Hans_Gruber

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by Hans_Gruber
12-15-03
... so you see, my dear lady, Acme rubber can simply not hold against the raw 'velocitude' (sic) of the animal Roadus Runnerus...
Hence, my need for good strong ribbed condom rubber! Which will, ahem, be melted down to its constituent... um...
Meep.
Miss?

 

by Hans_Gruber
12-16-03
Horror film director James Whale ravishes yet another dim-witted succubus outside Los Angeles...
Hmmm, yes, delightful... May I sketch you?
Me? Me monster? You want sketch?
(Chuckle) Why, yes. You've got a remarkable phallis.
What "phallis"?
His eloquence is his ruse.
It's Bhutanese for "drop your knickers and get on your knees"...
Me no see why not...

 

by Hans_Gruber
12-16-03
Horror film legend James Whale seduces yet another abomination in the Universal Studios backlot...
You there... insect. I'd be delighted if you'd take a dip in my pool...
Bzzzzzzz.
I see.
Bzzzzzzz.
Well, tell that hoary queen, Cronenberg, that I've been having trouble with my transmission and perhaps he'd like to come over and FUCK IT!
Bzzzzzzz.

 

by Hans_Gruber
12-18-03
Oh boy oh boy oh boy... Dead! Where's St. Peter... I gotta give God a piece of moi mind...
Wh-?
God is dead. You will reside for eternity in his decomposing lower intestinal tract.
I'd like to file a formal complaint...
Your midgethood is the least of my concerns, little man.

 

by Hans_Gruber
12-18-03
Pronounce 'q' without the 'uuu'.
K-k-k...
You've graduated to journeyman. Good. Now you'll be able to stick your own cock up your asshole.
Could you please turn off your web cam first?

 

by Hans_Gruber
12-19-03
Today, we will attain the 'feast of the chocolate starfish' position... Why are you blushing, my faithful?
'Feast of the chocolate starfish'?
Yes. It will bring us three hundred and forty-nine steps closer to Shambala...
Isn't 'chocolate starfish' gay for 'asshole'?
Hush, and strip. We're streaming live in thirty-seconds...
I thought that Buddha statue looked conspicuously like a web cam...

 

by Hans_Gruber
12-19-03
Yes, my pupil. It is time I taught you the ancient secret art of levitation...
Oh, what wonderful joy! Today, I truly smell the clean mountain air of Agartha (navel of the earth)!
Take off your robe and sit on this sacred platform...
But master, that's not a platform. That's an almost perfect rubber replica of your penis...?
It's well-lubed, if that's what you're concerned about.
Is that a web cam buried inside it?

 

by Hans_Gruber
12-19-03
To truly levitate, you must first imagine a snowy field on the surface of the sun...
I see it, master!
Now get on your stomach and bay like a wounded ram!
Baaaaaaa! Baaaaaaa!
Good. That truly levitated me, in a manner of speaking.
My hate for you is as black as your scotum, master.

 

by Hans_Gruber
12-22-03
Charles Emerett Cheese was born outside Asbury Park, NJ in the mid-70s... His tutelage was legendary...
Rosalita- jump a little lighter... Senorita - come sit by my fire... I just wanna be your lover ain't no liar... Rosalita, you're my stone desire
Bring it home, Boss...
His mentor taught Cheese a very important lesson...
Jack the Rabbit and Weak-Knees Willy, you know they're going to be there... Ah, Sloppy Sue and Big Bones Billie, they'll be coming up for air...
Sloppy Sue? Jack the Rabbit? Where do I make friends like that?
Charles E. Cheese made his way to New York City in the Spring of 1977...
My name's Jasper T. Jowls... I just hightailed it from Louissiana to play in a country jug band... But I'm into punk, if that's your thing...
Pleased to meet you. I'm Charles... I mean, Charlie... I mean... Chuck. Chuck E. Cheese. And I like all kinds of rock.

 

by Hans_Gruber
12-22-03
During the Summer of 1977, Chuck and Jasper were an instant hit at CBGBs, eclipsing the early rise of such bands as the Talking Heads and Blondie...
Thank you, gents and ladies... A special t'anks to John Cale, for giving us a place to crash...
And thanks to Debbie... for the Monterey Jack and Swiss!
However, Chuck did not feel at home with glitterqueens and Warholian cronies. He thought back to his roots... back to the Asbury Park boardwalk...
We gotta get out while we're young... cuz tramps like us, baby we were born to ruuuuuuuun...
I want to speak to people with my musics. Make them feel it, inside. Not be some freakshow act.
Chuck, you there ole buddy?
Jasper... we can't do this shit anymore. This shit ain't right.

 

by Hans_Gruber
12-22-03
So Chuck E. Cheese and Jasper T. Jowls set off to find their niche in the rapidly changing musical landscape of the late 70s...
Going from city to city, spending a night in Philadelphia and the next night in Kansas City, and on and on and on for months. They suffered hardships. They battled poverty, and feelings of failure...
Tired...
Hungry...
It was a depressing nadir for the duo. Some thought the pair may have had dual breakdowns in Wyoming...
This bone is getting mossy. I bet I could suck penicillin off it.
I've been walking so long, I bet I got butt-cheese. And that tastes great with crackers!

 

by Hans_Gruber
12-29-03
As a young man, James Whale would often find himself in awkward situations with lady friends...
Um, well you see... Lucy, my dear... You must excuse me for one moment.
Why, of course, James. Prime the pump. Piddle your diddle. Whatever you require...
Fortunately, a dose of absinthe remedied his maladroit sexual proclivities...
Ah, there we are... Now then, get on your knees, morose starlet!
Oh, James...
The effect did not last long.
It looks as if I'm... finished. Well, then, I hope I've pleased you, you rotting fetid thing...
*blink*

 

by Hans_Gruber
12-29-03
Gus Van Sant can eat a dick, as far as I'm concerned. What do you think, Matt?
He's an artist. Get used to it, Casey.
Edward Hopper is an artist, Matt. Gus is the man-condom of Hollywood.
Really? I thought that position was currently filled by your older brother...
And cut! Excellente! I'm thinking of splicing this into the special edition of "My Own Private Idaho"... Betcha didn't know I was filming you, young Afflek. Now swallow your own tongue!
Sure, Gus. *swallows tongue*

 

by Hans_Gruber
1-21-04
Cue Creepy Music
End Creepy Music

 

by Hans_Gruber
2-05-04
Hardened priest Timmy Bellows and savant Bobby Triscuit have been confined for an eternity in God's abdomen by some fluke in divine judgement...
Why, Father Tim?
Cuz God needs somebody to help him digest dem sinners...
Sniff.
Mondays at 8 on USA
Shhhh. Don't waste dem tears, Bobby.
Please die.

 

by Hans_Gruber
2-06-04
Father Tim and Bobby Triscuit inspect their surroundings...
Dese walls are made of God's divine stuff, Bobby... Don't dat in'nerest ya?
Sniff. I want mommy.
Aw, come now, Bobby. Yer a scientist. Look at dis stuff.
Father Tim... We were made in God's image, so it stands to reason that our shitters were made in the image of God's shitter. There's nothing remarkable about the human excretory system.
Don'tcha see why yer down here den? Yer too sma't for paradise, Bobby.
(Pssst... Kevin. Your dick is showing.)

 

by Hans_Gruber
2-12-04
Suck my pussy dick, Joe!
That's right. Take that, slick!
So sad to see them coping with life after spay...

 

by Hans_Gruber
11-11-04
Boo!
Meow!
That night, from the Oval Office at the White House... the President of the United States of America...
I didn't want to bring this up during the elections n'all... but... Goddamn it- this Japanese flick 'Grudge' scared the piss out of me...
It's effectively given the United States a mandate to DESTROY the wet little creepy children of Japan- especially ones that might be hiding in my attic...
Ulp.

 

by Hans_Gruber
11-11-04
The Oval Office of the White House-
Mmmm mm. What did you put in the Eucharist tonight, dear... it was delish!
Cock. Jesus's cock. I figured you couldn't get enough of it... so I beer basted it and tossed it into the glutin...

 

by Hans_Gruber
11-11-04
Kerry- I oppose gay marriage-
Bush- you amazing fucker- tell me this doesn't turn you on!
What's wrong with wanting a little bit of this after a hard day's work!
Was that supposed to be your asshole?
Yes- ignore the poop deck...

 

by Hans_Gruber
11-15-04
A clip from Michael Moore's "Farenheit 9/11"
*eyes shifting from aides to children*
*reading children's book*
Oh Jesus Christ lord and saviour- You really fucked me, Mike. I thought we were buds.
You did?
Their meeting lasts into the long dark night of our nation's soul...
*reading children's book*
*eyes shifting from aides to child*

 

by Hans_Gruber
8-26-05
For my next act, I'll need a volunteer from the audience...
What's up, bitch! Hoobstank, motherfucker! Ha ha ha! Go Wisconsin!
I must warn you- this is no parlour trick. It might be humiliating- you might be hypnotized to, say, do the naked Chicken on your buddy's face over there...
Why not! It's his birthday, dog! He's the shit!
Excellent, excellent. First, in preparation, I must eat a newborn human baby...

 

by Hans_Gruber
8-28-05
And now- the greatest illusion ever known to mankind... Allllaaaaakaaaa-
Screw you, bum-tunneler!
Sir, you've broken my concentration...
Ha ha ha! Aw shit! I didn't mean nothing by it, just messin' is all... HOOBASTANK!
...on a spell keeping your wife from funneling acid into your ear and dissolving your brain in your sleep.
I, uh... I... *sob*

 

by Hans_Gruber
8-29-05

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