All comics by ObiJo

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by ObiJo
2-14-01
So now what?
Fuck if I know. I never really thought we'd pull it off.

 

by ObiJo
2-14-01
You wouldn't believe what happened to me on the way home today! I stopped in at the local Piggly Wiggly as usual, when who did I happen to see but Russ Johnson! You remember Russ right? Sure you do...
So I say to the cashier, hey lady, if I wanted matches I woulda asked for them! Sheesh, some people. Well about this time, unknown to me, Russ is talking to this guy who happens to play football...
The wide receiver is covered good, and the blitz is coming like a banshee, so I'm thinking I'm pretty much screwed. But who do I see outdistancing the coverage, but good ole Russ! So I throw long...

 

by ObiJo
2-14-01
I'm The Re...umm...Mr. Reaple. I'll be substituting today. Joe, as the valedictorian, I need to see you outside for a moment.
Joe, that lucky bastard.
The students would soon come to realize that the phrase "Foster Farms takes only the Best" held a much more sinister meaning than they had imagined.
Good for Joe!
It was chemistry that killed my chances.
Brown nosing SOB.
Woo Hoo!

 

by ObiJo
2-14-01
Hello, Festus. You didn't think you could escape us forever did you?
The Parietal Lobe
Well, hello there sweet thing. Aren't you a fine looking synapse.
He's sending all the right signals.
The Medulla Oblongota
Well if no one else is gonna do anything about this, I sure as hell will! Beware my wrath!!!

 

by ObiJo
2-14-01
Who's in charge now, huh!!! A hahahahah!!!
The Medulla Oblongata
Yes, Festus, kill them all!!! They're all aliens! Take their blood and destroy their civilization!!!
The Parietal Lobe
Well, I just don't think our relationship can continue the way it has. In fact, I think we need to split up, at least for awhile.
Men, even on the molecular level, are all the same.

 

by ObiJo
2-14-01
I'm gonna knock you out!!! Mama said knock you out!! I'm gonna knock you out!! Mama SAID knock you out!! HAHA!
The Medulla Oblongata
Yes, knock them all out, Festus!! All the aliens must perish! And remember, destruction is your only friend! Any other thoughts you may have are the work of the aliens!!! Now kill!!
The Parietal Lobe
Oh, no! Love has blinded me! Festus, there are no aliens!! It's all in your head! Festus, can you hear me?! It's all in your head!!!

 

by ObiJo
2-14-01
So what are your plans for tonight, Festus?
I don't know. Maybe watch the game or finish a jigsaw puzzle I've been working on. No big whoop.
The Parietal Lobe
What?! It just ended?! How? Why? It doesn't make any sense!
The Medulla Oblongata
Well, aren't you a fine looking synapse...

 

by ObiJo
2-14-01
Three life sentences for killing one person, what a rip. Our justice system today, sheesh.
Psst! Out here. Do something for me and I'll break you outta here.
Whatever it is, I'll do it!
Boy, we barely made it! This was alot easier when I had pardoning power. Now don't forget your part.
Yes, yes, I know. A love seat to match the couch.

 

by ObiJo
2-14-01
Roe v. Wade, the law of the land! Roe v. Wade, the law of the land! Roe v. Wade, the law of the land!
Abortion is for me! Keep abortion free! Abortion is for me! Keep abortion free!
Oh, hi Ronnie. We're demonstrating for Pro-Choice, wanna join in?
No, I heard there was a dolphin caught in the fishing nets down at the wharf. I'm gonna go check it out.
A dolphin in the fishing nets!!! We must save it!!
And somehow that's not incongruous to her.

 

by ObiJo
2-15-01
Personal Log: Day 8 of the African Safari. Me and my men are in great spirits over the prospects of catching the elusive white elephant. It is not a question of if, only a question of when.
We're pretty close, aren't we, boss?
Close indeed. I bet by sundown he'll be ours.
Day 41. The Beast still eludes us. The men are in a bad way, and some have even taken to a sort of animal language. Whether this arose from delirium or sun stroke, I am unsure.
The dancing chicken sleeps till noon if the silver chipmunks don't eat out of cereal bowls.
Harvey, snap out of it! What's gotten into you?
Day 64. All of the men have succumbed to the sickness. I stayed up all last night trying to think of some medicine that would cure them. And that's when I knew we'd need the wooden badger.
So did the aardvark eat the orange sundial, boss?
No, the electric guerrila stained the sink first.

 

by ObiJo
2-17-01
Help! Help! I'm drowning!!
Don't just swim there, help me! I'm drowning, you insensitive bastard!
We're water beetles, for chrissakes.
Oh yeah...

 

by ObiJo
2-17-01
When Stevie the Squirrel found out that the Girl Scout troop was all out of Thin Mints, well he just fucking freaked out.

 

by ObiJo
2-19-01
He's a hardened homeboy from the side of town your mama always warned you about.
Flip Mode in the hiz-ouse.
And he's the source of all evil in the universe.
Darn tootin'.
But this fall on ABC, Yanni and Busta Rhymes are one lean mean interracial crime fighting machine.
Just got a call on an armed robbery at the BK on Crenshaw. Let's skedaddle over there.
Aight, Yaw Yaw Yaw Yaw Yanni.

 

by ObiJo
2-19-01
Could you use it in a sentence?
I hit my thumb with the #@$!%#! hammer and now it #@$!%#! hurts.
Definition Please.
#@$!%#! - the verb form of #@$!.
# - @ - $ - ! - ! - # - @
I'm sorry, but that was incorrect. In fact, that was way #@$!%#! off.

 

by ObiJo
2-19-01
But maahhhh!
Don't you "but ma" me.
Can't I do it later?
Later!? Sephiroth just killed Aeris, Cloud is having a nervous breakdown, and God knows what you're going to do about Meteor. Now get to it.
But I have math homework to do.
I don't care if you have ten hours of homework, I don't want to see you move from that playstation until you hand Sephiroth his ass.

 

by ObiJo
2-19-01
So, you're moving cross country, huh?
From sea to shining sea.
Boy, what a hassle. The packing, moving, unpacking. Hoping you don't break something. Hoping you didn't throw anything out accidentally. What a bear.
Yeah, but that's not what worries me though.
What does?
Extradition laws.

 

by ObiJo
2-26-01
Oh God. Numb. Please Stop.
Silence mortal! I have shown you the past. You will be visited by two more apparitions. Fear them and your evil ways!
Mama. Please no more. Can't take images.
Do not think that rivulet of urine impresses your contrition on me! I have shown you your present evils, but next you will be visited by the worst of ghosts, your future!
Ebenezer? Did you just call me Ebenezer? I'm JEFF Scrooge.
Woopsie.

 

by ObiJo
2-26-01
Despite his enthusiasm, ghost1 was always picked last for the Lowpass Kickball Tournament.
OK, I'll take kid2-1 and you get ghost1.
Damn. Well at least I didn't get stuck with wiguhooker1-2.

 

by ObiJo
2-28-01
And ACTION...

 

by ObiJo
2-28-01
So Gabe got the job, huh?
Yep, that's what I heard.
So what's he going to be doing anyway? Day Trader? System Admin?
Cameraman for Donkey Porn.
I'm ready for my closeup Mr. Billings.

 

by ObiJo
3-01-01
I can't believe we have to do a love scene. I'm a cannibal for chrissakes. Are you sure it doesn't say that I put your bulbous head in my mouth and chew?
Nope, it says right here that we hungrily embrace each other and make hot sloppy till the cops arrive.
I loved your work in Boogie Nights. Say, what are you doing after the shoot? Wanna grab a drink?
It was a prosthetic, you know.
Quiet on the Set! And we're counting down: three, two, one...
And ACTION!

 

by ObiJo
3-02-01
You can use any background you want. But remember they were usually in a bar.
I'm Sam "Mayday" Malone. Chicks dig me.
I'm Diane Chambers. I left the show early and am forever damned to be wiguhooker for it.
Also any pose of these characters can be used.
I'm Coach. I have a small brain, but a large heart. And a large eye.
I'm Woody. I took over when Coach died. Poor bastard.
Carla Tortelli
Frazier Krane

 

by ObiJo
3-02-01
Any pose of gabe and squirrel can be used. On or off the bench.
I'm Norm. Don't ask.
I'm Cliff. I am a postman and live with my mom. I am a walking joke.
Actually any pose of all the characters can be used as I already said. I guess this was redundant.
I'm Rebecca.
I'm Robin Colcorde. Rich bastard and one time fiance of Rebecca.
Department of Redundancy Department. Ok, now I'm just being stupid.
I'm John Allen Hill. The owner of the restaurant above Cheers.
I'm Lilith. I'm a woman who looks like a man and am married to Frazier.

 

by ObiJo
3-03-01
I, George W. Bush, was just sodomized.
Christian Coalition.

 

by ObiJo
3-06-01
This Old House
Tonight we bring you a love story. It's called "A Hammer, a Nail, and your Forehead: Tenderness and Tetanus."
Rerun.
Jay Leno
And now I ask you, common layperson off the street, who was our first president?
Gourd Washington?! What kind of idiot says Gourd Washington?! That's not even a vegetable for godsakes.
Sesame Street
Won't you tell me how to get........how to get to Sesame Street?
My true love has a first name, it's O-S-C-A-R. *swoon*.

 

by ObiJo
3-06-01
With so many new comics, it's hard to get the readers attention. One could try using the funny to pull them in...
Hey sweet stuff. What's a fine looking alien like you doing in a bar like this? But seriously, love muffin, we're made for each other: protruding eyes, bald head. Let's split this joint and...
On one hand this guy deserves death. On the other hand, he deserves the humiliation and pain that only an anal probe can provide. I think I'll go with the combo package.
Or you could try repetitive name usage and shameless self-exploitation...
ObiJo is funny. ObiJo is funny. ObiJo is funny. ObiJo is funny. ObiJo is funny. ObiJo is funny. ObiJo is funny. ObiJo is funny. ObiJo is funny. ObiJo is funny. ObiJo is funny.
Read ObiJo. Read ObiJo. Read ObiJo. Read ObiJo. Read ObiJo. Read ObiJo. Read ObiJo. Read ObiJo. Read ObiJo. Read ObiJo. Read ObiJo. Read ObiJo. Read ObiJo. Read ObiJo. Read ObiJo.
But I still go with the traditional method: Elephant Porn.
That's as wide as I can go. Can you get in now?
Yep, there's just the little matter of you signing this disclaimer.

 

by ObiJo
3-06-01
Ladies and Gentlemen, the Dream we've all dreamed of...
Wanna see my bug collection?
Strike.
Boy versus Girl...
I should be cleared of the charges any day now.
Strike.
In the World Series of Love.
I'd move out of my mom's place, but then who'd rub my feet?
No batter.

 

by ObiJo
3-06-01
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Kujo.
Kujo who?
Luckily, Stephen King gave up his comedy career before any serious damage was done.
Kujo come out here so I can eat ya? HaHa!
You kill me!

 

by ObiJo
3-07-01
So I says to the guy, "Hey buddy, just give me one good reason why I should get off your wife!" So, for some damn reason he gets mad and...
God this guy's long winded. I gotta think of a way to shut him up.
...he runs towards me and says...
STOP!!!
Hammer Time!

 

by ObiJo
3-07-01
So, Ted, is this the life or what? Burning shit all day long, what a stress reliever!
Ya, my dad told me to get a real job, but what does he know? I stopped paying attention to that dumb bastard years ago. Now let's start on those trees!
Burn! Crackle! Burn Crackle!
Burn! Crackle! Burn Crackle!
Burn! Crackle! Burn! Crackle!
Oh daddy, why can't you love me? *sigh*

 

by ObiJo
3-10-01
If you want to know how we got the prestigious position of default characters, she's got two words for you.
Casting Couch
Hiya Johnny. *wink*
Rowr.

 

by ObiJo
3-10-01
What the fuck was that?
I don't wanna talk about it.

 

by ObiJo
3-10-01
We've been growing apart.

 

by ObiJo
3-10-01
OK, let's switch back. I'm getting light-headed.
Ruff.

 

by ObiJo
3-10-01
Fear me.

 

by ObiJo
3-10-01
Ed was a pretty regular guy.
Driving along in my automibile...
Baby beside me at the...ARRR!!!
Oh, except for his Stop Sign Rage disorder.
And the clown suit.

 

by ObiJo
3-10-01
You're making great progress, Ben.
Maybe, but it's so hard! The urge is always there!
I know, but that's when you need to fall back on the tricks we've covered in our sessions together.
They seem to be working less and less. The urges keep growing and growing. What should I do!?
Try harder.
Tissue?

 

by ObiJo
3-11-01
Your mom told me today's your birthday, Karen. Birthday girls get any candy bar in the store for free.
Golly!
Hi Jimmy. How's your puppy doing?
All better thanks to your advice, Mr. Stan. You're the greatest!
There once was a grocer named Stan, Who was a kind and loving man. He was nice to the children and took care of his mama, But he was never the same after the blunt head trauma.
Is it true you were in a car accident, Stan?
Brak.

 

by ObiJo
3-12-01
Hey Jeff! Happy Birthday! I got you the greatest gifts ever!
It better not be another asian girl and mutated kitten. I got in a lot of trouble last year from both INS and the ASPCA.
I think I still have the receipts.
Somewhere deeply hidden in the Sears Catalogue...
Meow.

 

by ObiJo
3-12-01
Your reign is up my soon-to-be-obsolete friend. In a couple of years you'll be joining the 8-track player and Lionel Train Clock in the halls of yesterday.
What with online stocks, banking, music, movies. Not to mention the endless stream of porn. What can you possibly offer Master that I can't?
Jerry! Jerry!
Damn.

 

by ObiJo
3-12-01
In the battlefield of tomorrow...
V is for Victory.

 

by ObiJo
3-12-01
Twenty says "Remember my words."
I got ten for "I came, I saw, I kicked ass."
Hmm. How about five on "Get me down!"
Shit, y'alls low rollers. Gimme a hunderd on "You're making a BIG mistake."
Though Jerusalem is well known for its religious importance, few people are aware of its gambling history.
I'll put $50 on "I never liked you people."
Father, why have you forsaken me.

 

by ObiJo
3-12-01
Hello Mr. Right Hand, how are you?
Not bad, Mr. Left Hand, and you?
Well, it's a...just that...umm...Baywatch was on and...uhh...
Don't worry. You know you can tell me anything.
Master's left handed. *sigh*
And they say masturbation is a victimless crime.

 

by ObiJo
3-13-01
We are
From the
Planet Alcohol.
We bring
You beer.
Oh, thank God! The last aliens I met were from the Planet Sodomy.

 

by ObiJo
3-13-01
Though Scientist Bob couldn't quite put his finger on it, he had a sneaking suspicion that something had gone wrong during the cloning process.
Ya think?

 

by ObiJo
3-13-01

 

by ObiJo
3-13-01
Facing the entire 32nd Platoon of the Union Army single-handedly, Al starts to think the guy who told him "The Early Bird gets the War" was perhaps misinformed.

 

by ObiJo
3-13-01
Mayja look.

 

by ObiJo
3-16-01
Another interesting fact about urine is that it's not harmful. You can drink it if you're ever dehydrated.
Oh, really? How VERY interesting. I never knew that before. You might have just saved my life. Thank you!
Also, it's yellow.
Oh, really? How VERY interesting. I never knew that before. You might have just saved my life. Thank you!
Oh, really? How VERY interesting. I never knew that before. You might have just saved my life. Thank you!
Pretty good crowd tonight.
Well, I'm out of Coke at home anyways, and my favorite color IS yellow...

 

by ObiJo
3-16-01
Nazi...
...
Yahtzee!
And that, my friend, is the final ingredient for cold fusion.

Showing page 2.

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