All comics by alienpantsyndrome

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Interzone, last time I swear...
Hmmm, I've got a bad feeling about this Candygram...
What's it say Frank old boy?
It's an invite to the International Cartoon Porn awards plus two tickets to Pittsburgh. Waddaya say, Doc? Wanna come with?
Well, I was just going to kill... er, talk with you about, um, stuff but, what the heck, let's ride!
Sweet. Let's find us whatever passes for a cab in this shithole...
Soon my Dark Lord's majesty shall be felt by this puny bunny. Until then though maybe I can score with Monkey Man backstage!

 

Ladies and Gentlemen, the Pittsburgh JayCee's proudly welcome you to the 2003 International Comic Porn Awards! And now give it up for our Master of Ceremonies, Gabe from Penny Arcade!
Hey everybody, how are y'all doin' out there tonite? I'm Gabe, world famous co-creator of the more than amazing Penny Arcade webcomic.
Tycho couldn't be here tonite due to the fact that I have him tied up in my basement... And now, ON WITH THE SHOW!

 

Meanwhile, Frank arrives backstage a little late and very hung over...
Okie dokie botboy, I'm here. Where's my fucking award?
And WHO might you be, sir?
Frank the Gay Bunny, asshole!
Oh yessss.... I have you right here on my list.
Great, so who do I gotta blow to just pick up my award and get the fuck outta here?
Well, Mr. Gay Bunny, sir, it seems you misred the invitation. You are a presenter, not a recipient. You go on in five...

 

Hello muthafukas, I'm Frank the Gay Bunny from Zazo's strip and I'm here to read a blue card for the nominees for best "dirty" web comic, and the nominees are..
Best use of furry perversions on Keenspace; Jack...
And the winner is, wow, I'm fucking shocked, it's Jack. Wow, what a long strange stip it's been.

 

We interrupt this serial comic for an important breaking news story from FOX NEWS NOW with "special" war correspondent Dwed Pwyate Wobberts at a local Long John Silver's franchise...
I AM DA DWED PWYATE WOBBERTS!
And now back to our story...
Holy sweet fucking Jesus with an errection we're all gonna die!!!!
Arrrrggggg, my eyes are melting!!! Where the shit is Super Jesus to save us from this uranium enriched Camembaert doom? Only he can save us now!
Would you like salty dog sea fries with that, sir?
And extra spicy tubular tartar sauce smotherd on them motherbitchs, my good man.

 

Somewhere above Studio City, a universe fragmented by a growing multitude of bad in-jokes and pop culture refrences...
An entire universe is posed upon the brink of total destruction at the hands of a demented madman. As opposed to a sane madman, of course...
Only two heroes are left alive...
What do you mean we're being deleted?
Dude, it's over. Do we really have to recap the whole fucking last twelve issues before we die?

 

With the very universe devouring itself even villians strive to save Studio City Prime...
Well shit.
Riffy, what the fuck, man?
Sir?
Fuck it. Nevermind. At least I can die knowing that Frank the Gay Bunny dies alongside me... and Mister Fluffy Poop.

 

Meanwhile, on Studio City Prime 2, section 3-B...
Frank, everything seems so strange since the evil Overlord Franz Vitchman decided to erase our counterparts in the multiverse.
I know, Kel. It's like white is black, good is evil, right is wrong, cats are dogs, Micky Dee's is Burger King, Donnie Osmond is the devil...
dot. dot. dot.
Um, right. Exactly. So, you wanna go get some smokes and watch some Skinamax porn before we die?
My thoughts exactly Kel, my thoughts exactly...

 

And now, the President of America, Earth 4, quadrant 23...
My fellow Americans... it is with a heavy heart I'm before you tonite.
Our forces have been crushed totally, our nuclear defenses have been compromised. In short, things are looking grim...
And that's why it's my sacred duty to God and Country to get the hell off this dying world fast as possible. Good night and goodbye.

 

Meanwhile, on Earth Prime, Studio City.
Welcome to Anti-Monitor Burgers! How may I take your order today?
Um, yeah. Gimmie a sack full of mini "Harburgers", extra angst. Two large Pariah Fires and a Superman-sized Qward coke.
How do you want your Harburgers cooked?
Burn those puppies.
That'll be $23.17 sir.
Screw that, I'm goin' over to Beyonder Burgers and get me a Secret Wars Unhappy Meal...

 

Suddenly...
Oh Christ, my friggin' head... where the shit am I? And where are my damn clothes?
...
HIYA FUN TIME! GO YANKEES! I AM MISUKICHAN!
Wonderful. I'm stuck in a poorly drawn hentai strip. God I hope it's a Battle Royle parody.
OH LOOKEE NOW, HAI! GIANT FUN TENTACLE BEAST! YAY!

 

Meanwhile, back at Long John Silver's...
...sigh.
It's been, like months since Kelly went on vacation with Frank. Work just ain't the same without her.
I wonder if she'd mind if I asked out that Swann guy she was dating?

 

Meanwhile, Kelly searches for Frank...
Say, Catchick, you seen a talkin' bunny rabbit 'round here anywhere? Possibly stealing women's underwear for his own personal use?
TEE HEE!
...
You don't speak a word of working english, do you?
THE SHAH SLEEPS IN LEE HARVEY'S GRAVE! GO YANKEES! TEE HEE!

 

OK, Kel, let's talk stock on our situation here. We're lost, half naked, somewhere in Japan, and Giant Tentacle beasts seem to be raping whatever they please.
God, can things GET any worse?
BLARRRRG!
Sorry pal, name ain't Ms. Pac Man, go find some other bitch to haunt.
Oh. My bad, yo. Don't suppose you got a yen spot I can borrow, eh?

 

Ug. I stepping on someone's spleen! Gross!
How the shit am I gonna get off this island?
Don't worry Kelly. In fact, after today ALL your worries will be over, MUHAHAHA...
Gosh, thanks mister Wizard. I take it yer the guy I'm gonna hafta fuck to bail this burg, eh?

 

Heaven's no, my dear. You'll find no need for intercourse between you and I in exchange for your freedom.
Oh, that's fine too. So, what, we flip a coin? Play truth or dare? Twenty questions?
Oh my, no. If you want to go home all you have to do is kill all my blood thirsty ninja warriors clad only in your bikini and with your bare hands, hehehe.
You don't date much, do you?
You have thirty seconds to prepare, good luck!
Great, just great. Where's a homicidal homosexual talking bunny when you need one?

 

Meanwhile, since we last saw Frank the gay bunny things have gone from bad to worse for him...
What a shithole.
Good carrots, tho.
God, I hope this is a Turkish jail.

 

This is the end for you, Professor Hipgnosis. I've destroyed your robot factory, disabled the weather control device, defeated the ten masters of the drunken fist...
...solved the riddle of the twin spears, exposed your plot to replace George W. Bush with an avocado, killed the bastard that ate my partner on the force, went to Arby's. Twice...
...and foiled your attempt to get on American Idol. This is IT! No more plots, no more games, this is go time, and I've got the gun, so riddle me this fuckwit, where's Kelly?
Who's Kelly? Wait, isn't she the girl from the phone sex line? I swear, if I had known my credit card wasn't valid, I'd never had called in the first place!

 

Meanwhile, stuck in a prison on a deserted desert isle, Kelly awaits her fate at the hands of the fiendish Professor Hipgnosis...
sigh.
no, scratch that, double sigh. God, this is JUST so BORING.
Maybe the drunken ninjas will come back soon. sigh.

 

Nothing like a homecooked meal made fresh by Mom. Home from college for the first time in months, Buzz can't even remember why he was so anxious to leave home in the first place.
Hi mom, is dinner ready?
Oh yes, sweetheart, just about. Come help mommie set the table...
Ok.
That's my little sweetums. I made your favorite, lots of gravy for my special boy, that's for sure, my lovely baby wheelchairbound boy.
Twenty minutes later, Buzz remembers why.
...and that was the last time I let your father fuck both me and my sister up the ass in the same night. I mean the taste alone. Talk about a sticky situation, huh?
Gotta motor mom, lots of killing myself to do, thanks for dinner.

 

Now how am I going to explain this to him?
Kelly! Hey, holy shit, where you been babe? I haven't seen you in, like, months an' shit. Way to flake on out date.
Well, I was kidnapped and forced to fight killer anime bikini chicks and ninjas in hand to hand combat. I had to kill my fellow prisoners just to see another day of torment.
I see...
I was assaulted, abused, tortured, beaten then cast aside like utter human waste. Never to be thought of again. Can you possibly understand what I've been through?
Um, no, not really. But I'm sure that's how my Dreamcast feels right about now.

 

Hi everyone! Tonight it's my pleasure to introduce our newest character to this fine strip, Max! Max is your typical guy, a good guy.
Thanks, Kelly. Glad to be here. Do I get a script today, or what?
Haha, a script, that's funny. No. there's no script, this is all improv.
Um, so when do I get my check?
Good one, a check! See, did I tell you this guy was funny, or what?
gulp.

 

So, Max, any thoughts on the strip? Y'know we are here to make the retards laugh, so... Gimmie the funny, yo.
...
I once saw a dog piss on a homeless guy, that was kinda funny, in a sad way.

 

blink blink.
blink blink.
Um, I'll be right back, k?
OK, cool. I'll be right here.
So, can I violate the new guy with my chainsaw yet, or what?
Give him time, Frank, give him time. A week from now, he's not funny, you can have your way with him, I promise.

 

Okie dokie Max old boy, nothing to worry about. My week deadline to show the funny is past, sure, but this time, hell, today... shit, I'll show Kelly!
Um, I was sure the store was around here somewhere. Don't panic, man, it's just a carton of smokes for Frank I was sent to get, nothing MAJOR or anything, right? Right?
Oh God, I'm gonna get ass raped by a bunny with a chainsaw, ain't i?

 

After a poor start making with the funny, Max is summoned to meet with Frank the Gay bunny...
Hiya Max, old pal, glad you could make it.
Oh, um, my pleasure Frank. You're not going to hurt me are you?
Nonono, nothing of the sort, we just need you to be in this week's World's Worst comic comp.
Oh, that's cool! What do you need me to do?
Mostly get killed, but some punning will be involved, I'm sure.
Death I can stand, torture even, but I'll have no part in punning, that's the devil's work.

 

Later that night, Max, having followed Frank's driving directions arrives to find himself cold, alone, scared, and wholly open to attack in the middle of nowhere...
I really hope nothing bad happens to me, this is a new shirt...
Poor bastard.
Momma pancakes wants his skin, the skin she get.

 

1
What did you say was for dinner again, Mr. Dahmer?
2
I ever tell you about that guy we ran over last summer? Man, we TOTALLY got away with that shit!
3
WHO LET THE DOGS OUT?!?! Man, I LOVE that fucking song!

 

While we clean up the spilt blood and dispose of Max's remains we present Catchick to entertain you!
...
Anytime, Catchick...
...
That's better.
Donkey love make fighting song only better! Rembrandt Pussyhorse! GO YANKEES! Got a dolla?

 

Superior Court trial, part 23.
...and then? What did you do after that? How did you murder the victim?
SPUPER SIZE BIG BOY DINGO SPIN, BEEF JERKY LOVE TANGO WASTE! CAN I JUICE YOU POTATO?
PIMP THE JIVE WALNUT, HOLLA??
ummm, the State rests, your honor.
CHUTNEY HAPPY FUN POPCORN MAN! DONGO MAKES IN MY MOUTH... YANKEE HERO SMILE!!

 

Catchick's last day at work.
You make me BANGI-OH Mighty longtime!
I see...
But, pardon meow, you douchbag number one big time. Douchbag ichiban no kai.
Uh huh....
Kittycat purr bag boucoup star you make water in pancake song. Dig grave make home, bye bye!
You realize, of course, there will be no letter of recommendation for you, right?

 

Hi, this is Kelly, reporting from the undisclosed farm that has, for the past ten years been called home by Axl Rose...
Hey. I'm Axl Rose.
Um, yeah, Axl, the folks at home got that part already.
GREAT! And Kel, before you even ask, yes, the CD is almost done.
What CD? Everyone thought you were dead, that's why I'm here. The funeral's tomorrow...
That's right, Kel! As we speak my master producer is putting on the finishing touches to the long awaited new Guns n' Roses CD, Chinese Democracy!

 

So, Axl, who's this mysterious new producer making magic for you as we speak?
Well, back in '94, when I'd first started writing the new CD I wanted Rick Rubin to produce so I gave him a call...
Wow, you and Rick Rubin together at last, that must have been really exciting for you?
Not really, I fired him an hour after meeting him. He just had this lingering smell about him... like wet newspaper.
I see. So who did you get to produce the CD then?
My next thought was Alf, from that show they named after him, man, that guy is such a huge talent in the biz...

 

You hired ALF?! To make your big comeback CD, you hired ALF?!
Well, see, I tried to hire Alf but then I found out the awful truth...
That he was a puppet?
What? No, he had this massive smack problem and after the whole overdose thing, y'know... not a good idea.
sigh. So who IS producing the CD?
It's funny you ask that Kel, cuz I was just about to...

 

???
... tell you what happened next. See, I was living off of welfare and I met this homeless guy back in '99...
JUST TELL ME WHO THE PRODUCER IS!
... what?
Please. Could. You. Tell. Me. The. Name. Of. Your. Producer.
Oh, yeah, sure... long story short it's Ol' Dirty Bastard, y'know, from Wu Tang Clan..

 

ODB? "Big Baby Jesus"? Isn't he still in prison?
Of course he is, he's ALWAYS in jail. That's why it's taken so long for the CD to be finished.
Then who's mixing the CD as we speak?
Cher.
Now your just fucking with me, right?
Yeah, sorry about that. ODB killed a guard last night and escaped just so we could finish the CD once and for all...

 

The horses knew...
Trouble?
Trouble.
The bears knew...
Death?
Death.
The chair, it was not amused.
SIT ON ME I AM A CHAIR!

 

Another sunny day in Studio City, Ca. During the Venus transit.
Hey Frank, guess what?
What? You finally figured out that Carrot Top is your biological father?
Not that the Venus transit really matters at this point in the story.
No. That was weeks ago, anyhoo, Zazo just emailed me.
You mean that douche bag that keeps telling everyone I'm all gay an' shit?
But it's gonna come up sooner or later, so, you know, just a head's up.
Yeah, him. He says we don't hafta be in any more comic comps. As in, like, ever.
It's about goddamn time, I hate how he keeps trying to drag us down with him...

 

Breatherd Beach, on the outskirts of Studio City...
It's so beautiful out here tonight... life is just so damn fucking awesomely wonderful sometimes...
A really nice beach, as far as beaches go in Studio City.
I hope nothing bad happens to fuck this up and send me on another pointless adventure...
Just watch out for the murderous red robots, they'll get ya every time.
That's odd, why would I think such a thing?
Just be cool Big Red, do what you love, but do it quietly.

 

Yup, we're still on the beach, it's sunset...
Ahhh! Crap, man, what the fuck?
ARRRRGHHHH!!!
...to be honest, there's really no point in me even being here...
Shit, yer not gonna cornhole me, are you?
No, that's that other red robot, Tobor. I'm Big Red, I mostly just kill the heck outta folks.
...except to remind you about that whole Venus transit thing I mentioned before.
Well then, that's something of a relief.
ARRRRGHHHH!!!!!!!!!! I MAKE YOU DEAD NOW.

 

Ahhhh................!!!!!!!!!!
DIE PATHETIC FLESHBAG!
Huh?
ROWLLLL!
Hey, look, it's the Venus tranist!
Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

 

Oh, hello Mr. Eisner, I wasn't expecting to find you out here at this time of night.
Um, well, yes Lord, sometimes I find a walk at night clears my head. Let's me think...
Oh my, how wonderful! Shall we walk together?
That would please me, my Lord.
Shortly...
Say, what's that jingling sound coming from your briefcase?
Nothing to worry about, Lord, just some pieces of silver I found... somewhere else.

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