All comics by alienpantsyndrome

Profile

 

God, I hate this damn job.
Oh, look, a sweet little girl looking for love and hope. What can Jesus do for you little girl?
Hi Mr. Jesus! I was just wondering if I could grow up to be just like my mommy, she's ever so pretty.
Why I think you just might, my dear. So, what does your mommy do for a living?
I'm not sure, but she's always offering my uncle Guido a blow job.

 

Monday night...
Next on Fox, meet Joe Bush! 50 states all think he's the president but you'll know the secret from the start...
...that he's just a puppet of the end times sent to lead the world to the very mouth off hell and...
...a week from now.
click
I fucking hate reruns.

 

Another day on the cross.
Oh, if I had a hammer...
Yes my son, how may the Lord help you today?
Yeeessss, one question sir. How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop?
Fuckin' pop culture junkies. I bet nobody treats L. Ron Hubbard this way.

 

All alone...
I AM DA DWED PYWAT WOBBTS!
blink. blink.
...or in twos
I AM DA DWED PYWAT WOBBTS!
No, you're a fucking idiot and this is Long John Silver's. Now please leave before the police arrive and beat you with metal saps.

 

Another day just hanging around...
Jeez, I could really go for a smoke right about now...
Muhaha, what mister Son-of-Man doesn't know is that we have secretly replaced his nicotine patch with an Icy Hot patch. Let's see what happens...
Say, I think I can see my house from here.
CUT! Ok people, let's try it again from the top. This time let's try for a real punchline? Margret, get me a Mocha Double shot skim Frappichino, extra extra, please? Thanks babe, yer a doll.

 

Thursday night, 11:23 PM.
Kelly! Where have you been, the DVD player and I have been worried sick!
Great, just great...
I mean honestly, you missed Friends, CSI, good lord girl, you've missed ER! We ALWAYS watch ER together!
I'm sorry Teevee, but I had a hard day at work today, some crazy bastard was dressed like a pyrate and...
Deevee, have a talk with this girl about priorities, will you.
I wonder if Ted Turner ever has this problem?

 

Thursday night, 11:30 PM.
Oh yeah, the B-man's hot to trot tonite! Get me some sweet suburb poon!
DING DONG!
Ola sexy mamma, the B-man is all yours, and the meter's runnin' if you catch my drift, yo!
B-man's gonna go it SOLO then, booYA! Bring on the trannies!
Loser.

 

The aftermath...
So, how was your date tonight, Kelly? Seemed pretty short, don't you think?
Piss off rodentboy, that bitch Sara set me up with some random douche bag she met online.
I dunno, he seemed pretty hunky from where I was standing.
First off, yer a gay rabbit. Second, yer little more than a talking plot device. Third...
...I like dressing in your babytees, singing karaoke Avril Levine songs and humping the dog?
No, I was going to say... ew.

 

Friday, 5AM.
...wake up Kelly.
...wake up Kelly.
What the fuck?!
Twentyeight days, six hours, twelve minutes, seven seconds...
Frank, go back to bed and stop fucking watching Donnie Darko. And for the love of god, take off my silk panties, ew!

 

The Lunchtime Rush Begins...
Let's see, I need to stop by the free clinic for my shot, pick up that new R. Kelly CD, paint the poodle yellow, buy a new blender...
Welcome to Long John Silver's, how may I take your order, please?
...find out how much I'm paying for auto insurance, go see Danny for some good deep dicking, find a new salad dressing, go see my mom in the home...
Hello? Ma'am? Excuse me, but you have to place an order or get out of line. Hello? Anyone home?
...pick up my pre-ordered copy of Blue Crush over at Suncoast, wax my stinkbox, get Dr. Ouberfeind to OK my operation to finally become a woman...
Ma'am, we really need you to either order something or get the fuck out of the line! Ma'am?! MA'AM?!

 

Breaktime at Long John Silver's...
Sara, what the fuck, man?
Waddaya mean, Kel?
Around 3PM...
That creepy jackass you sent over to my place last night, called hisself the B-man, I believe?
Aw, he was such a sweetie online, I figured y'all would jus' click, y'know?
Smiles are free...
So why didn't you just go out with him then?
Um, 'cause... uh, I'm like, y'know, a big dyke or somethin'...

 

It's almost sunday and the Big Guy is looking forward to a day off...
(sigh) Two more days, Jesus, you only got two more days, bro. Keep it together...
Shit, this fucking guy again?
Yo, Big J, B-man needs some help wit da lay-dees, dig?
Two more fucking days... give my girl Mary Mag a call go see Hairspray, get us some fried ice cream... all I gotta do is chill and maybe this twit'll bail...
Yo, homes, B-man got needs too!

 

Um, sorry, we're closed today. Thank you, come again.
Shit bitch, you da Lord, da big J, yo. You might not be doing bidniz, but yo ass always open.
Fine, what's the problem Bradly?
Yoyoyo... YO! It's B-man, man, not dat "Bradly" shit, now spill wit da ad-vice.
(sigh) Look, dude. Why don't you just try being a li'l more laid back? Or howabout a fucking shower?
Fuck that noize! The bitches looove my manly musk, you trippin' fool. B-man is so out...

 

Back at home, Frank the Gay Bunny seems to be going crazy...
Frank, you need to save the world Frank...
Wah.. whut?
The world is going to end in 27 days Frank, remember?
Um, yeah, that... well, I did pass yer message on to Kelly last night, but she wasn't hearin' it. Nope, no way no how. Say, are you invisible or am I just goin' crazy?
If I were to show you my true form your mind would not be able to handle it, it might simply implode.
Hey, I was willing to sit through every episode of Fear Factor AND Life with Bonnie, I think I can handle this shit, ok?

 

Friday, 6PM
Welcome to Long John Silver's, how may I take your order today?
Yeah sweetness, gimmie two orders of Hush Puppies, a large Coke, and some Salty Dog Sea Fries... and yer home number.
Ok, that's two hush puppies, a large Coke, fries, and a big order of fuck off. For here or to go?
Nice one, just for that let's supersize the mother. Dinner at eight? My place?
An excellent choice studly, that'll be five fifty. Oh, and feel free to take advantage of our special sauce, I spit in it myself.

 

Saturday, 8PM...
I can't believe I'm going to go through with this.
Do what, the bunny asked without a trace of concern.
I'm goin' out with that Swann guy that tried to pick me up at work yesterday.
The bunny smiled a thin, sickly smile then made a few pointed and futile gestures of understanding. It was amazing how little the bunny really cared about Kelly's painfully boring life.
Excuse me, but why are you narrating our conversation?
It's the only way I can stay awake, I think there's something wrong with my brain.

 

The night before...
Well then, before I reveal my true form to you, are there any last remarks you wish to make?
Sure, when we're done with this whole thing, you wanna go grab a bite?
a disembodied voice speaks to Frank about the end of the world...
Um, I don't really eat. At all.
Hey, that's cool. Okie dokie then, let's stick this pig.
Frank seems unimpressed...
Arrrrgrgrgrggg........
Oh, this is SO gonna suck...

 

Sometime in the near future, when the horrid inbreeding of hip hop sampling has gotten totally out of control, when nothing else is left to exploit, when the music industry faces collapse...
you should know...
...you should know that ahhh
One man, Rael, cult leader and ethical maverick holds the answer to all our problems. Entering a secret lab off the coast of Miami he begins in ernest the cloning of Earth's greatest rappers...
Don´t try to compare us...
...to another bad little fad
KRISS KROSS!!! But this time they stay midgets. And they whiter than Conan O'brian in a pillow factory. Oh, and they still suck. On second thought, let's rise up and stop this madness before it starts
The Mac Dad will make ya Jump Jump...
The Daddy Mac will make ya Jump Jump

 

Just another Sunday night...
Tonight on Fox, a very special Malcolm X in the Middle...
Don't forget our undercover special, Inside Geraldo's Pants, right after a brand new episode of Firefly!
Next on Fox, stay tuned for Andy Dick Controls Your Anus!
47 virgins my ass!

 

Friday, 7:39pm
So, having any fun yet Kelly?
Oh my yes, ever so much. Didn't you have a car yesterday?
Shit babe, any fool can have a car, but it takes a real man to choose to walk.
Is that a fact now?
Well, that and it was either walk or take my mom's minivan.
Nice justification, loserboy.

 

Friday, 9:23pm
...and ever since then I've been afraid of pissing on anyone's dog but my own.
Facinating. Y'know, we've been walking, fer like, ever. Where the fuck are we going?
Oh, um, my fat crib, yo.
Your what?! I swear you didn't just say that outloud, did you?
Nice segue, Kelly.
Um, if I did, would you still wanna go?
Fuck it. I'm sure yer parents won't mind the company. Besides, it's either that or go watch my gay rabbit lose his damn mind.

 

It's been three days since Frank the gay rabbit saw the face of the mysterious being that gave him the task of saving the world...
...three days of doubting the very fabric of his fragile bunny brain. Three days of sleepless nights, fear, loathing, and horror...
...and through it all, only one thought has driven him.
I bet if I spooged in Kelly's personal stash of Cool Whip, she'd never fucking know, hehehe.

 

Friday, just before Midnight
So... didja fuck 'em?
As if! We hadda fucking walk fer like three hours to his parents house and when we got there they made me watch sides of his family vaction to Utah back in like 1990 and shit.
Uh huh...
Then we went downstairs to his "crib" and he tried to play the drums for me while I scoped out vintage Micronauts toy collection.
So... ya fucked 'em?
Yeah. But it was like over way quick. I think I'll go make a sundae, we got any Cool Whip left?

 

Saturday, just after Midnight
So, anything interesting happen while I was out?
Let's see, Sarah called about some pirate guy that tried to pick her up at work, I shaved the cat and sold it on e-bay as an ultrarare Pokemon promo...
...I saw the face of God and almost lost my mind, I sucked down the last two bottles of Robotussin we had, Joe Rogan called to tell me I'm gonna be on Fear Factor...
Really, holy shit, are you gonna go on it?
Hell yeah, then I watched some Facts of Life reruns and spooged in yer Cool Whip. The Cool Whip you just ate, heh heh.

 

Having heard the call of stardom, Frank the gay bunny heads to a casting call for the mega-hit NBC series, Fear Factor...
Um, hi, got a call from Joe Rogan hisself, inviting ME Frank the gay bunny to come in and audition...
Oh yeah, I hate to break it to ya man, but that was me on the phone.
And who, exactly, the fuck are you supposed to be?
Sorry, sorry, my bad. Name's Tommy Whisenap, executive producer for Fear Factor. I'll be moderating your audition today.
Aren't you a little tall for a gopher?
I just can't wait to make yer fluffy ass lick up a plate full of maggots.

 

Monday, around noon, Kelly's only day off...
Welcome to Wal Mart, my name's Trixie, what EVER can I do for you today?
Um, I bought this cd burner from your online store and it's, like, totally fucked. I want to return it.
Of course, of course, we here at Wal Mart are always happy to help in any way possible.
Cool, thanks.
I'm just gonna need yer birth certificate, driver's licence, social security card and number, a urine sample, a pap smear...
I hope a rabid homeless man rapes you on the way to yer car, bitch.

 

Meanwhile, back on the set of Fear Factor...
Okey dokey, so what's my first challenge Mr. Jagoff Producer Man?
Well, first off, it's a damn good thing you capitalized that shit. Second, yer gonna climb to the top of this building where we secure you with rope and toss you off...
Well, that don't sound too dang bad. Where's the challenge?
Well, we're gonna set you on fire before we toss you off...
Don't cha think that'll singe my fur?
Not really, at the bottom yer gonna land in a kiddie pool full of whale semen and tic tacs. You'll be fine, trust me.

 

The second challenge is about to begin, what horrors await our fey bunny hero?
Fucking shit, MAN!! That was sick, disturbing, and worst of all the shit in that kiddie pool reminded me of that time I passed out at Garfield's pad.
(What the fuck, dude? Are you trying to get us sued with that Garfiled shit? Man, we can afford that kind of lawsuit)
Sorry, moving on then. So what's the next challenge, fucko?
Alright, are you ready for this, man? Yer gonna get handcuffed to a dancing pole and flogged by Dan Rather with a riding crop.
Now who's gunning fer a lawsuit?
Haha, no silly, I was kidding... or WAS I? Muahahaha...

 

After dodging a nasty lawsuit from NBC, King-World Syndicated, and CBS News, our homo bunny messiah must cope with his next Fear Factor challenge...
Oh look, the Grand Canyon. I'm so fuckin' scared.
Oh, you will be, you will be.
And why would that be, now? Gonna cover me in tar and toss my ass into a briar patch?
Oh my no! This is our legendary Stunt Challenge! We're gonna dose you with 3000 micrograms of liquid LSD and leave you to die at the bottom of yon canyon.
Bring it on, bitch. Bring it fucking on!!!
Doris, bring in the IV drip, STAT! The corpse is gonna do it!

 

Having been dosed with 3000 micrograms of pure liquid LSD and left to die at the bottom of the Grand Canyon, yadda yadda yadda...
Sheeeit. Those poor ass muthafuckas don't know what they're up against...
Having been dosed with 3000 micrograms of pure liquid LSD and left to die at the bottom of the Grand Canyon, yadda yadda yadda...
Sheeeit. Those poor ass muthafuckas don't know what they're up against...
Having been dosed with 3000 micrograms of pure liquid LSD and left to die at the bottom of the Grand Canyon, yadda yadda yadda...
Sheeeit. Those poor ass muthafuckas don't know what they're up against...

 

Tripping his gay bunny brains out, Frank makes his way to the top of the Grand Canyon...
Keep it cool, Frank. Don't let this terrible drug fuck with you. It's all in the mind... fear is the mind killer...
Not much longer now, longer how, longer cow? Cow sow meow wow, pa pow! Shit! Get yer head together, man! We're almost there. Where? Hair? Hare, where, over there?
Oh man, this fucking sucks. Must remember the 500 large. Eyes on the prize, Frank... it is only gonna get better from here. Sixteen more hours, man...
FRANK THE GAY BUNNY, IT IS I WHO AM WHO IS WHAT I IS! REPENT THE END IS NEIGH!

 

Trapped in the Grand Canyon with a head full of bad drugs, Frank must deal with a new factor of fear!
So, who the fuck are you supposed to be again?
I AM WHO IS WHAT I AM WHAT I IS. BUT YOU AN CALL ME ZUG.
Zug? Fine. Zug it is. So, Zug, baby... yer a disembodied floating head that's obviously a figment of my trip fevered, exhausted brain. What's that like?
I EXIST ONLY TO BE AND TO BE AM, I CREATED YOU AS I AM YOU AND YOU ARE ME AND WE ARE ME AND WE ARE ALL TOGETHER.
I so don't need this right now, I've got me half a million reasons to get the fuck outta here. See ya, you obnoxious floating fuck.
UM, COME BACK FRANK, WE DON'T NEED TO TALK ABOUT ALL THAT, WE COULD TALK SPORTS. WHO DO YOU LIKE IN THE FINAL FOUR? FRANK?

 

Sixteen mind warping hours later...
OK, asshole. I made it outta that shithole canyon, where's my muthafuckin money?
Holy shit! How the fuck did you survive, you were SUPPOSED to fucking die down there?!?!
Yeah, well, I didn't. Now bitch, you betta have my money!
Money, yeah, OK... I'll just go get it from, uh, my office. Excuse me for a moment...
Wait a minute... his office is on the other side of the building.
Sucker!

 

Thursday, around 6pm...
So how'd it go with the Fear Factor audition?
Turns out it was all an elaborate ruse to kill me. I swear, someday I'm gonna track that fucker down and cut him good.
So no money fer the bunny, eh?
Yup, but at least I got to spend sixteen hours tripping at the bottom of the Grand Canyon.
Well, yeah, I guess there IS that. Didja at least find out who set you up?
No, but I do have my suspicions. Think I can subpoena the entire Bush family?

 

Friday afternoon, another day off for Kelly...
Hey, Swann just called and invited me to an anti war rally.
Why how progressive of you Kel. I'd never have pegged you fer a commie pinko Saddam lover.
Look bunny boy, you know as well as I that this is an unjust war and should be stopped. Besides, arn't you the one suing the entire Bush clan?
That's different, the fuckers tried to kill me via a badly rigged faux game show.
Oh just admit it, yer pissed you got stiffed on the fifty grand.
Maybe I am, but yer the one that's gonna end up chained to a girl named Moonflower in the clink about three hours from now.

 

Friday night, on the way to the anti war rally...
Hey, thanks for inviting me tonight, I just hope we can do some good and bring peace to the world.
Hehe, good one Kelly.
Dude, I was being serious.
Really? Sorry, but I just assumed you were being sarcastic.
I bet that's the same reason they killed Jesus.
Live and learn, Kel. Live and learn.

 

Meanwhile, deep inside his underground fortress, the evil mastermind behind the recent attempt on Frank's life plot's his next move...
ESCAPED! What do you mean he escaped?!
That plan was fool proof and you assholes screwed the fucking pooch, big time!
It seems the time has come to teach that little fuzzy bitch who the queen bee of DOOM is around here!

 

Somewhere under the hardpacked desert of Fire Island...
Riffy, my most trusted assassin, you are my best, and last, hope.
What so ever you shall need my Dark Lord, it shall be done.
Exellent then, Riffy. I need you to bring me a token of good luck. A talisman, if you will. The left hind leg of Frank the Gay Bunny!
Didn't you two used to have a... you know... a thing?
Yeah, well, i'm totally over it. A court order will do that to a man. So go kill the fuckin' bunny, k?
As your will commands me, Barry.. er, my Dark Lord.

 

Meanwhile, at the anti war rally...
Well, here we are. The White House. So... what now?
Well, first things first, we get our signs and start chanting like those monks on the Enigma CDs.
And the signs would be... where?
Um, uh... it seems they would be in my mom's minivan.
Nice going, man. How the shit are we supposed to take part in protest without protest signs?
I think they sell Post It Notes in the giftshop over there...

 

About twenty minutes later...
So did they have any Post It notes?
Well, I'm not really sure. I kinda got sidetracked.
The fuck you mean you got sidetracked?
They had one of those friggin' huge vending machines inside and it just transfixed me.
Did you at least get anything for us to make protest signs with?
Well, I saved the receipt from my Payday bar... Now all we need is some tape and a magic marker.

 

Interzone, a nightmare land of sex, drugs, terrorism, fear, sand, and the immortal creature only known as Mengigo... lost and alone in this strange land, Frank seeks the elusive Dr. Benway...
Say pal...
You seen old Doc Benway around here?
I hear his name howl in the demon wind of junk withdrawl and KY horrors, torn to shreds by rabid mugwump cock in Tangier sickness.
So... that'd be a no, then?

 

Interzone, a harsh realm somewhere off the coast of legendary Tangiers. Riffy, manservant and assassin to the Dark Lord Barry stalks his prey, Frank the Gay Bunny...
Now, if I were a gay rabbit where would I be?
Excuse me, my good man. Have you seen a four foot high gay talking rabbit, possibly seeking the infamous Doctor Benway recently?
I have seen death humping the wildebeast of life under a sky of needles, stars, and gore. I have seen horrors your western mind would recoil upon witnessing...
Um, is that a no?
Of course not, he's down by the kazbar, three opium dens down take a left at the transexual sucking on the skull of Spiro Agnew...

 

Meanwhile, back on the homefront, the anti war rally continues...
Dude, I just called home to ask Frank if he'd seen us on Fox News yet and I got the weirdest message on the machine.
What's up with our favorite little scamp? Auditions fer Donnie Darko 2?
Sadly, no. He's gone off on some wild goose chase for his mentor Dr. Benway. The message said he was someplace called Interzone.
Shit, I've heard about THAT place. He better watch his bunny behind there. Lots of bad mojo workin' in that town.
Mojo? Dude, you've been watching Goldmember WAY too much.
For serious Kel, you can NEVER watch too much Austin Powers.

 

Back in Interzone, Frank finds a much needed clue to Dr. Benway's lair...
What's this?
Mmmm, what's that subtle taste? I think this carrot was been dipped in the potent extract of the fabled black meat of the giant aquatic centipede...
Woah! That'll do. Looks like I just found my first clue!
Goo goo ga joo, baby...

 

Oi! Sarasong, aye luuv ya!
Man, I wish Kel was here. This guy is just too fuckin' cool, I gotta tell her about him!
So, deya wannae meet in parsen, likesay?
Oh shit oh shit oh shit, what do i say? I don't want him to think I just want sex...
That depends on how big yer cock is Glasgowboy.
Oi! Spudboy! Looks like aye've goat mahself a fooking match from tha fookin' wankers at Gooathic Parsanals...

 

Hi there boys and girls, it's me, Zazo. The semi-lovable creator of this here semi-strip with a few words about the state of things today.
A lot of people ask me, "Zazo, are you for or against the war in Iraq? Why don't you answer, are you a terrorist commie fag and shit?". To that I can only say this...
Goddammit, I should have won this week's comic competition! I was fucking robbed! Where's my laywer? Someone call the ACLU!

 

And now, back to our strip...
So where deya wannea meet, Sarasong?
Hmmm, let's see. If got my mom's Virgin Air miles, I guess I could use them to get to London.
Too fookin' right, mate! Ah ken teak a trean dawn thir inth marn.
Cool! I'll see you then Renton, my love!
You have just been booted from AOL, would you like to sign on again?
Not before I get my vibrator, no.

 

We rejoin Frank in Interzone, hot on the trail of the elusive Dr. Benway...
I've looked everywhere fer this fuckin' guy...
All I keep finding is giant bugs, transexual lion tamers, and a soiled Chicken Dance Elmo doll. Aw crap, I think it'd be best to just head home.
Shit, I don't even know what this bastard looks like.
Hello Frank, I'm Doctor Benway. Would you care to see my collection of Backstreet Boy undergarments?

 

Interzone time: just after 3pm
So, the infamous Doc Benway, eh? I've been waiting a long time for this.
I'm sure you have, my fine bunny friend. Come with me and I'll answer your every question.
You do have a question for me, don't you?
Now that I think about it I really don't even remember why I was looking for you in the first place.
Oh, it was just another plot device so we could get entered into the last comic comp.

 

Yup, we're still in Interzone...
Well shit, once again that fucker Zazo uses me as a lame plot device. Excuse me for a moment, Doc.
But...
Just fucking wonderful, here I am stuck in some Middle Eastern junkie commune with no way home. What next?
Candygram for Frank the Gay Bunny! Here's your Candygram, sir!
I really hope this doesn't turn out to be some weird invite to a segue...

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