All comics by dueserpenti

Profile

 

by dueserpenti
1-25-03
Yahweh and Yeshua shoot the shit.
OK, tell it to me again.
First I go down there and tell them not to worry about money.
Then they relax and let Nature take its course?
No, then they kill me and use my name to perpetrate crimes against each other while ignoring my message, eventually culminating in their extinction by the rampant overuse of heavy industry.
That kid...such a joker!
I don't get it.
Trust me, it'll be hilarious in two thousand years.

 

by dueserpenti
1-26-03
Our hero relates the tale of his recent foray into the singles scene.
How was your date with the supermarket chick?
Well, she hates smoking, swearing, piercings, and tattoos, and her favorite musician is Avril Lavigne...
...Which makes sense, because she's only SIXTEEN FUCKING YEARS OLD.
It's like she was genetically engineered to repel me.
So are you gonna fuck her?
Thinking about it.

 

by dueserpenti
1-26-03
Our Hero is upset.
I don't even know why they showed up.
Shit, I wouldn't be suprised if Rich Gannon was murdered by an angry mob tonight.
Super Bowl Final Score: Raiders 21, Bucs 48.
When they come for him, he'll forget that the stumps at the end of his torso are meant for evading pursuit.
Then he might try to throw rocks at them, but they'll just pick them out of the air and keep coming.
The healing process begins.
That was pretty funny.
Thanks. It felt good while I was saying it.

 

by dueserpenti
1-28-03
After the hampster case, I needed to unwind.
What can I do for you, Wang?
Don't toy with my affections, Doris: Come to Alcapulco with me.
Naturally I thought of Doris.
First tell me why it's so important to you.
You see doll, I like my women like I like my sandwiches.
After the hampster case, I needed to unwind.
And how do you like your sandwiches?
Week-old tuna under a thick crust.

 

by dueserpenti
2-01-03
Our hero meets a local girl from a personals ad.
So you went to North High? I used to sell drugs there.
First impressions are important.
How do you feel about the Church of Satan?
A man's dead in the water if he can't make conversation.
ARE WE GONNA FUCK LATER, OR WHAT?!

 

by dueserpenti
2-03-03
Our hero works out a plan.
Dude, I thought of a scam to get the cash to move.
Lay it on me.
I'll tell AFS that this environment is conducive to criminal behavior, and they'll give me money to get away. They do it for parolees all the time.
So you're going to tell the truth to a government agency? How is that a scam?
Hey, fuck you, it's the best I could come up with!
...I might steal some pens on the way out.
IS THERE NO END TO YOUR FIENDISH MACHINATIONS? BWAHAHAHAHA!

 

by dueserpenti
2-03-03
Our hero has a dissatisfied customer on an online auction site.
Your merchandise was substandard, having neither a European adapter nor fun decorative stickers. You are in violation of federal fraud law, and I am returning the item, which I expect you to pay for
Sorry to hear that, but remember that it's not a Happy Meal; fun prizes are awarded at my discretion. As far as threatening me with fraud charges, I advise you to grow up and/or get a life. Piss off
Meanwhile, In Utah...
Call the Attorney General!
Shut up and eat your Corn Pops.

 

by dueserpenti
2-17-03
Our hero has a long memory.
I just saw the State of the Union Address.
It put me in mind of a great orator of the past.
George W. Bush, 2003.
This nation fights reluctantly, because we know the cost and we dread the days of mourning.
Adolf Hitler, 1933
We should be happy if the world, by reducing its armaments, would see to it that we need never increase our own.

 

by dueserpenti
3-08-03
Our hero wonders what life would be like if he'd studied to be something.
Dude, we should get jobs.
Yeah, we'd be great at jobs.
Doctor
So Doc, what's the prognosis?
You have a fatal disease that will kill you in exactly ten...
Ten years? Ten months? Ten weeks?
Nine...Eight...Seven...

 

by dueserpenti
3-08-03
Our hero starts a legal assistant correspondence course.
You're awfully chipper this morning.
I'm training to be a paralegal.
Doesn't that conflict with your anarchistic sensibilities?
Dude, if you really want to smash The Machine, you have to do it from the inside.
So you're going to going to destroy society from the lowest possible vantage point?
It's only the first week, and I've already learned how to empty a lawyer's wastebasket.

 

by dueserpenti
3-12-03
Our hero knows that honesty isn't always the best policy.
It sure is nice having a writer around to proofread my assignments...
Christ, she's going to ask me what I thought of her essay.
He has to think fast.
What did you think of my essay?
It was...good.
But not too fast.
Is there anything I should change?
Print it on Charmin next time so I don't have to call Roto-Rooter when I'm done "proofreading".

 

by dueserpenti
3-14-03
Our hero has difficulty staying on task.
OK, time to get to work.
MIDGET BUKKAKE PORN
Yessir, gonna make some real headway tonight.
INANE ANARCHIST BLOGS
Four hours later...
Time to call it a day.
THREE PARAGRAPHS OF SENSELESS TRIPE THAT HE'S JUST GOING TO ERASE THE NEXT DAY.

 

by dueserpenti
3-27-03
The war has helped our hero rediscover his inner hippie.
You have five seconds to explain yourself before I whip your ass.
I've become a hippie for the duration of the war.
I'm glad you've found a reason to dig out your Jefferson Airplane albums.
No doubt; I'm gonna milk this shit for all it's worth!
It's the best argument yet for world peace.
Too bad it'll only last a few more weeks.
I can't wait that long. Let's go beat up some peaceniks.

 

by dueserpenti
3-28-03
Our Hero overheard this coversation at his local convenience store.
Man, I hate to be missing that action over in Iraq.
That's a big ten-four, buddy. If I'd ever learned to read, I'b be in the Army right now.
Spreadin' democracy one bullet at a time...that would be the life.
You said it. I only wish there were some terrorists around here to kill.
Well, I shot a Mexican with a mustache the other day.
You go, girl!

 

by dueserpenti
3-30-03
Our Hero has a friend stuck in a bad relationship.
Hey, I got some hypnotherapy tapes on ebay yesterday. I guess you know what that means...
We're going to kidnap Aaron and de-program him?
He's tried every method of persuasion to no effect.
Bingo. Got any duct tape?
We'll have him brainwashed in no time.
Six weeks later...
THERE IS ONLY ONE GOD, AND MUHAMMED IS HIS PROPHET.
Don't look now, but I might have given him the wrong tape.

 

by dueserpenti
3-30-03
Our hero has a talk with Aaron about his dysfunctonal relationship.
Seriously, what's this all about?
I think you should break up with Kristin and move in with me.
OK, as long as you have cable, DSL, and a stereo.
I've got you covered.
What about a vagina?
On the other hand, Kristin has a lot of good qualities...

 

by dueserpenti
3-31-03
Our Hero discovers you can download novels from the Internet.
So what are you up to tonight?
Downloading some books off Kazaa.
YOU'RE WHAT?!
Downloading books. Novels, classic literature, it's all here for free.
The downside is he has to change his pants.
Suddenly, I need a cigarette.
Good thing you keep a box of tissues on your desk.

 

by dueserpenti
4-04-03
Our hero continues his study of contract law.
Terminate: What I long to do to myself every minute of every day.
Continuing Offer: What I extend to anyone who will end my suffering.
It's actually his favorite branch of the legal system.
Void: The dark, empty thing where my soul used to be.

 

by dueserpenti
4-07-03
After five days with no word, our hero is on the verge of panic.
Hello? I'd like to report a missing person.
He worries too much.
She's been gone for five days, and I'm really starting to freak out.
But once worrying is out of the way...
Viva Miami! Whoo!
Shit, now I have to call back and report a murder.

 

by dueserpenti
4-20-03
Our hero rehashes the old high school days.
I've decided that high school sucked a fat dick.
Yeah, between your acne and my Stephen Hawking impression, everybody treated us like shit.
A lot is different since then.
Thank God I got past that.
Yeah, me too.
But some things never change.
Um...you're still crippled, dude.
Oh. Right.

 

by dueserpenti
5-05-03
Our Hero gets some interesting news.
So, Aaron's girlfriend is pregnant.
Huh. Jon's girlfriend is pregnant, too.
His retaliation is swift and brutal.
Huh.
Yep.
Shock and Awe.
So, this is what an aneurysm feels like.
Kind of tingly.

 

by dueserpenti
5-14-03
Life is a handful of moments.
So, how was your birthday?
Gah...
All else is preparation.
What did you do?
Ah...
And yet, we are seldom prepared for them.
Saw the new X-Men movie, I'm guessing.
Yah...

 

by dueserpenti
5-14-03
Our Hero is content.
How's it going?
Never better. It's driving me nuts.
Which makes him discontent.
I'm not in touch with my rage at all, and since anger is the motivating force for change, I'm just sitting on my ass when I should be gettting stuff done.
Where's the Charlie that would cross the street to spit on a youth minister? That Charlie was taking care of business.
I don't understand it either.
Dubya was just nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize.
I'M CURED!

 

by dueserpenti
6-02-03
Our hero's protege drops by unexpectedly.
How's it going, kid?
Dude, don't even talk to me.
Charlie taught him everything he knows.
Christ, if only it were that easy.
You disgust me, you evil sell-out! You traded your ideals and your soul for money!
He only wishes he'd taught him a little more.
What makes you say that?
How else could you afford not to live with your parents?

 

by dueserpenti
6-13-03
The woods are lovely, dark and deep,
Thank you for calling Jackson County Mental Health.
Thank God you're there. I'm at the lowest point in my life.
but I have promises to keep,
Your call is important to us. Please stay on the line.
WHAT?!...HAHAHAHAHAHA!
and miles to go before I sleep.
Tall and tan and young and lovely, the girl from Ipanema goes walking...
I can't kill myself. Not when so many other people need killing worse than I do.

 

by dueserpenti
6-16-03
Our hero interviews Casper White, director of the new Discovery Channel documentary, Walking with Cavemen.
Mr. White, I'm confused by your decision to portray early humans as white, despite the fact that, having originated in Africa, they were almost certainly black.
You see, Charles, the story of human evolution is a journey.
It begins with primitive, apelike creatures, very similar to the modern Negro...
...And ends with white people, who've used the powers of speech and toolmaking to become lords of the Earth.
Discovery Channel: Entertain Your Brain!
Well, I've certainly learned something today.
Some theorize that future humans will be even whiter than they are today.

 

by dueserpenti
6-29-03
An inury sends our hero looking for something to dull the pain.
I'm the only man alive who could incapacitate himself on the way to the gas station.
He finds some Percodan in the medicine cabinet.
Thank you, Jesus!
Long since expired.
Fuck you, Jesus.

 

by dueserpenti
7-01-03
Even now, our hero is still in search of moneymaking opportunities.
You know what we ought to do? Start a suicide cult.
Word. We'll take their money and haul ass when they kill themselves.
Some time later...
So what's in these drinks?
Theirs is Drain-O, ours is Berry Blast Kool-Aid.
The best laid plans of mice and men...
What the fuck? You can't read a label?
It was all the way on the other side of the can.

 

by dueserpenti
7-10-03
Our hero wrote a comic book.
So, what did you think of the script?
Right. Well, about that...
I know you love comics, and that's great.
But let me put it to you this way: you know how you can appreciate music without being a musician?
But I AM a musician.
Yeah, that's actually the other thing we need to talk about.

 

by dueserpenti
7-12-03
When things went south, I went to talk to Joe.
What can I do for you, Wang?
I need a smaller cock ring.
He ran the local black market.
Funny; I always figured you for a big guy..
Well, the last one left me bleeding like a stuck pig.
He was also one mean son of a bitch.
Um...you know those are supposed to go AROUND your cock, right?
You could've told me that before I ruined my pants.

 

by dueserpenti
7-12-03
I invited Doris over to watch a horror movie.
Wang, this movie is disgusting. Why did you want to watch it?
The idea is, you get scared, leap into my arms, and then we swap body fluids.
Gets 'em every time
What if I get nauseated and puke in your lap?
Fluids are fluids.

 

by dueserpenti
7-13-03
I'd seen the kid around the neighborhood.
Mr. Johnson, I'd like to be your assistant.
How old are you, kid?
He seemed like he had moxie.
Ten. I don't have much experience, but I'm eager to please.
Is that so? Well, I don't need an assistant, but I have a friend who does.
Lucky for him, I've got connections.
Oh, fuck me.
Well, since you twisted my arm...

 

by dueserpenti
7-13-03
The kid was back.
I had to quit my job at the church, Mr. Johnson. That priest is a weirdo.
He's a rough boss, I remember that.
He needed some encouragement.
You worked for him?
Yep. I was ready to quit once too, but he told me something I'll never forget.
I would've made a great dad.
What did he tell you?
Cock-teases go to Hell.

 

by dueserpenti
8-09-03
I wish we could win the lottery.
Then we would be just a couple of assholes with no reason to be proud of our success.
So?
...
Well?
Give me a minute.

 

by dueserpenti
8-09-03
Our hero discovers a new taste sensation!
What's up?
Not much. Remember how we were talking about chocolate-covered pretzels?
Yeah, the combination of salty and sweet.
Right, well, I decided just to run with it, so I mixed some sugar and salt in a bowl and ate it with a spoon.
And now you need a ride to the hospital?
Desperately.

 

by dueserpenti
9-03-03
Our hero joins a writer's group.
So, what would you like to see?
I like writing that touches the soul.
Work that changes us at the most fundamental level, causes us to question what we hold dear.
Work that ignites the passions and engages the intellect all at once.
I wrote about two vampires doin' it.
YES!

 

by dueserpenti
9-10-03
Thoughts after watching Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.
1963
I'll trade you a watermelon for a tap-dancing lesson.
Fuck you.
2003
I'll trade you a feather boa for a showtune medley.
Okay!

 

by dueserpenti
9-13-03
Rest easy, Johnny.
Hey dad, did you hear? Johnny Cash just died.
Fuck. You know what? I'm gonna drink a beer in honor of Johnny Cash.
You did all right for country trash.
You already have a beer.
Yeah, but now it's for Johnny Cash.
I would know.
You're still gonna drink it yourself, right?
Damn straight.

 

by dueserpenti
10-03-03
Our hero joins a dating service for the "differently abled".
Why are you doing this again?
I'm looking for a double amputee.
Why?
Convenient storage possibilities.
Viva la difference!
...Can I be a gimp too?
With that haircut? Sure.

 

by dueserpenti
10-11-03
Our hero can come to only one conclusion in the aftermath of the California election:
So, Arnold is a governor.
Ja. Gut fur die people of Kulifohya.
Still, it could be worse.
No doubt. Gary Busey could be President.
God bless America!
Mr. President, the country awaits your decision!
I accidentally fucked a dead baby one time.

 

by dueserpenti
10-16-03
Our hero returns from a screening of Kill Bill.
Awesome, right?
Hell yes. When does Volume 2 come out?
No idea.
They better not take too long. Lucy Liu's not the only one who knows some crazy samurai shit.
Dude, yes she is.
Fuck you.

 

by dueserpenti
10-24-03
White Supremacist Playhouse
You know what I saw on TV today? Apparently, The Reich fell sixty years ago.
What?!
Our hero lacks the requisite racial purity to join.
Don't worry, I'm sure it's just another lie perpetrated by the news media.
You mean the JEWS media!
Thank God.
That was awesome.
Thanks. I thought of it last night.

 

by dueserpenti
11-01-03
Our Hero goes to a Halloween party.
Thanks for coming.
Hey, I'm always down to get fucked up. Lemme get a joint.
We're drug-free tonight. It's just going to be me and you and Lindsay and some movies.
All right then, hit that shit and pass it down.
...Are you talking about my girlfriend?
C'mon dude, don't bogart the pussy.

 

by dueserpenti
11-02-03
Halloween Night.
What the hell are you doing?
Just getting to know my new lady friend there.
I was down at the cemetery for some thrills and chills.
My God, do you know how old she is?
Um...eighteen?
Let's just say more than my spine got tingled.
A hundred and seven!
Don't worry, I brought lube.

 

by dueserpenti
11-02-03
I went to see Rudy when I left the cemetery.
Trick or treat.
Hey, Wang. What've you been doing this Halloween?
He never got kids at his house.
I was at the cemetery 'til they kicked me out.
Damn, man. Aren't you scared of ghosts?
A court order had seen to that.
The only spooks I'm afraid of are the ones with guns.
There's a bullet with your name on it, come the Revolution.

 

by dueserpenti
11-15-03
Our hero discusses the Democratic Presidential candidates.
Carol-Moseley Braun is crazy.
I know; a woman could never be President.
Why not?
How do you think the President hits The Button?
I dunno
Duh! THEY USE THEIR DICKS.

 

by dueserpenti
11-16-03
My America, by Dennis Kucinich
WHEN I AM PRESIDENT I WILL FILL THE FOUNTAIN IN THE WASHINGTON MALL WITH NACHO CHEESE.
THEN I WILL REPLACE THE LINCOLN MEMORIAL WITH A BIG BAG OF CHIPS SO WE CAN ALL HAVE NACHOS FOREVER.
I ATE THE PAPER WITH THE FUNNY CAT ON IT AND NOW I HAVE X-RAY VISION.

 

by dueserpenti
11-16-03
The Reverend Al Sharpton speaks.
It's true that I once contemplated joining the Nation of Islam, but they asked me to renounce pork and white women.
And nothing beats the taste of that tender, succulent meat roasted for hours on a spit.
Yessuh, I loves me some white women.

 

by dueserpenti
11-17-03
John Kerry reaches out to the kids.
Why hello there, young master. Would you like to see a feat of ledgermain?
I wonder, do you have such a thing as a ha'penny coin on your person?
You smell like formaldehyde.

 

by dueserpenti
11-28-03
Our hero commiserates on the Duncan family Thanksgiving.
You're lucky you weren't at Dad's for Thanksgiving.
Why?
It's an old family tradition.
It sucked. Most everybody stayed home sick.
The flu?
Though not the only one.
Chlamydia.
I knew it was one or the other.

Showing page 2.

« Previous Next »