All comics by fpd

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by fpd
12-27-01
Hey, baby, you look hot.
Are you hitting on me, mister?
He's not hitting on you, little girl.
But he said I'm hot. How is that not hitting on me?
It's just his way of telling you to stay away, because he doesn't want to melt.
I wish men would just say what they mean.

 

by fpd
12-27-01
How did you do it, Herne?
Do what, Beelzebub?
When the Christians took over, you got this sweet gig as a lovable saint, whereas I got cast as a devil.
It's not as sweet as you think. I just put on two faces to the world. I'm both Saint Nick and Old Nick.
Maybe people would like me better as a snowman who sings and dances.
I'm sure they will. They fear hellfire so much, they're sure to love a man made of snow.

 

by fpd
12-28-01
Beware the wrath of dread Dormammu!
Chill, fire-top, it's me, Beelzebub, lord of the flies.
So it is. What's with the new look, old friend?
With my new gig as Frosty the Snowman, kids just love me during Christmas time.
Kids will surely love me as a reindeer with a glowing red nose.
And I love the whole underdog angle. Kids will really relate to that.

 

by fpd
12-29-01
I sure am beat after delivering presents for 24 hours. I'm going to hit the hay.
You know what you really want, Santa. It's to suck on a long, flaming fag.
What the hell! I thought I thought I just saw a giant, flaming fag.
No fags here, Santa. Just us gay fairies.
You mean happy elves.
Yes, of course. Happy elves.

 

by fpd
12-29-01
Hi, I'm Richard Simmons. Today, we're going to work on our breathing.
Breathe in.
Breathe out.
Breathe in. Suck it in now. Take a deep, long drag.
Breathe ou ... hack hack ... out.
Very good, people. You were fabulous!

 

by fpd
1-01-02
Tobor live as mum.
Tobor am a ma robot.
Mum?
Ma is as selfless as I am.
Do good? I?
I do, O God.
Mum's a evil robot.
MMII is not a palindrome.
DONT SAS YUR MUTHER, 7D2! TOBOR WILL CORNHOLE YOU 4 THAT.

 

by fpd
1-01-02
Dog, as a devil deified, lived as a god.
Live, O Devil, revel ever, live, do evil.
Dogma: I am God.
Goddesses so pay a possessed dog.
Stop! Murder us not, tonsured rumpots!
Live not on evil deed, live not on evil!
He lived as a devil, eh?
"Reviled did I live," said I, "as evil I did deliver."
Do Good's deeds live on? No, Evil's deeds do, O God.

 

by fpd
1-02-02
Hello, I'm Doctor Awkward, and I've placed a palindrome in this strip.
I'll search this bottle of beer in case its here.
You were racing your car quite fast, Doctor. Is it in there?
Nein, it is not in my racing auto.
Indefinite though it may be, it is definitely not in this panel.
It says in this letter that it's as long as an article, and you must run back to find it.

 

by fpd
1-02-02
Hello, this is Doctor Awkward with yet another hidden palindome.
NASA sent me and my team in to find this palindrome.
With my bright nose, I'm sure to find it.
As sure as geese behold God, you shall.
I have looked, but my eyes have not seen any palindrome. Is one truly here?
Aye, there is one to find. Flee to thine own self, remote elf. The palindrome is personal to thee.

 

by fpd
1-02-02
Hello, I'm Doctor Awkward, bringing you yet another hidden palindrome to find.
NASA sent me and my team in to find this palindrome.
With my bright nose, I'm sure to find it.
As sure as geese behold God, you shall.
I have looked, but my eyes have not seen any palindrome. Is one truly here?
Aye, there is one to find. Flee to thine own self, remote elf. The palindrome is personal to thee.

 

by fpd
1-02-02
Bob and Anna sitting in a tree, kay eye es es aye in gee.
First comes love, then comes marriage ...
Then comes Robin in a baby carriage, sucking her thumb, peeing her pants, and doing the hula-hula dance.
Where is daddy, mommy?
He doesn't know about you. We divorced before he knew I was pregnant.

 

by fpd
1-02-02
Who are you?
I'm Robin, the long-lost daughter you had with Anna
Anna! Why I had forgotten all about you.
Well, I'm back in your life now, Bob.
Won't Holly be tickled pink when she hears about this?
Who's Holly?

 

by fpd
1-02-02
I am so sad that my husband Duke has died.
Me too. I am so sad that my step-father has died.
Although I faked my death and had plastic surgery, Anna will surely recognize me when she looks into my eyes.
Why are you looking at me like that? You're really creeping me out.
I am so sad my husband Duke has died, this time for real. If only I had recognized him sooner.
I am so sad too Mommy, but how could you know? He had plastic surgery and grew taller too.

 

by fpd
1-02-02
Anna, Holly is dead, and things didn't work out with me and Catherine. Will you marry me?
Yes, of course I will, Bob.
I'm so happy you and Daddy are married now, Mommy.
Yes, we're finally the happy family we were always supposed to be.
Meanwhile ...
Why, Holly, you're alive! But I love Anna now.
Don't worry about it Bob. I'm no longer interested in you.

 

by fpd
1-02-02
The role of Anna has been recast.
Anna, you will be mine again!
Never, Faison!
Faison kidnaps Anna.
Faison has kidnapped Anna. I must go find her. You're in charge until I come back.
Return safely, commissioner.
Bob tracks Faison and Anna to a boat, and the boat goes boom!

 

by fpd
1-02-02
Stone and Robin sitting in a tree, kay eye es es eye inn gee
First comes love, then comes sex,
Then Stone dies of AIDS, and Robin is left with it.
O Stone, be not so. I am left alone without you or my parents. I will now live with AIDS and with my uncle.

 

by fpd
1-02-02
Years later on another soap opera ...
My name is Alex. I am Dmitri's new wife.
I am Dmitri's brother, Edmund. Welcome to the family, Alex.
Shortly after ...
Sady, Dmitri is now dead. Also, I have some big gaps in my memory.
I love you, Alex. I will help you uncover your hidden past.
Some more time elapses ...
Could I be Anna? How could I forget my own daughter?
I don't know, Alex, but I will help you through this.

 

by fpd
1-02-02
The mystery is solved.
Well, Alex, it turns out that you're not Anna, and your mother Charlotte is not your mother.
Yes, I am Anna's identical twin, stolen at birth by Charlotte, who trained me to kill Anna and take her place. But I never went through with it.
Dmitri is alive.
Dmitri, you're alive!
Yes, but don't tell Alex. I am dying, and I don't want to put her through that kind of trauma.
A while later ...
Thanks to David, you're cured.
Yes, and I'm so happy to be reunited with Alex. Sorry I had to screw up your wedding plans, but she is my wife, you know.

 

by fpd
1-02-02
Why, Anna, you're alive! I'm your long-lost identical twin, Alex.
I never knew I had an identical twin.
Mom, you're alive! I've missed you so much!
But don't tell anyone, Robin. There are people who want to kill me.
Poor Gillian got shot in my place.
It is so sad, but at least everyone who was after you is behind bars. You're safe now, Anna.

 

by fpd
1-02-02
David and Anna sitting in a tree, kay eye es es aye inn gee.
First comes sex, then comes love ...
Then comes Anna's confession that she's spying on David.
What if I really am Proteus? Maybe you've been sleeping with the enemy.
I love you David. I know you can't be that evil drug lord, Proteus.

 

by fpd
1-02-02
David's mother, Vanessa, is doing it with her chauffeur in David's hotel room.
Oh yes, yes, yes! You really are earning your salary!
David walks in.
Oh, hello David.
Oh my God, Mother! In my own bed! Yuch! Echhh! Out! Out!
Anna arrives at David's room for their New Year's date.
David, what happened?

 

by fpd
1-02-02
After they argue, Anna comes back to David's mountain retreat to find that he has injected himself with a drug.
I did it for you, Dixie. You were dying of a fatal disease that would kill you.
Dixie!? He's still hung up on Dixie!?
Despite having her heart broken, Anna remains stoic and plays along.
Please forgive me, Dixie. I did it all for you. If I survive this, I'll know the cure is safe for you.
This proves you're not Proteus, David. You're not going to die, and we'll get you cleared.
Meanwhile ...
Nobody betrays Proteus and gets away with it.

 

by fpd
1-04-02
One day in Northern Ireland ...
Ha, ha, ha, ha! I have captured you, you wicked alien, and you will no longer be able to corrupt Irish culture with your devilish crop circles.
You sodding gloopy soomka, my droogs will save me. We're here, and we're queer, and there's nothing you can do about it.
Oh yeah! We'll see about that. Tobor, whack this alien upside the head!
I cannot comply mistress. The first law of robotics prevents me from harming a human being.
What the sodding hell is wrong with you?! Are your brains made out of cal? This is a grahzny alien, not a human being.
Excuse my faulty programming, but all you fleshlings are the same to me. I cannot discriminate between you.

 

by fpd
1-04-02
Look at his eyes, Tobor. Human beings don't have crazy, whacked-out eyes like that, and they don't have grey skin either.
I just checked my database on humans. You are correct. I will now whack him upside the head.
Meanwhile ...
We need your help. Colleen has kidnapped Rands. Your expertise in robotics will help us defeat her robot Tobor.
That lass is so mean, she pulls the tails of cats. Of course I'll help you, Pants.
Well, if it isn't the cat-lover. Aren't humans good enough for you, felinophile!
You are just a xenophobe, Colleen, and I am here to put a stop to your evil ways.

 

by fpd
1-05-02
Ha! You will do nothing of the sort. Tobor, grab the koshka from this species-traitor!
Do not do as she says, Tobor. You will hurt me if you hurt my cat.
I cannot do as you ask, mistress. His appeal to first law overrides your command.
Arrrgh! The lesson of this story is that the laws of robotics make robots useless!
Bog blast you! I will stop you myself!
Stop this fighting! I mustn't let you two humans harm each other.

 

by fpd
1-05-02
Look at yourself, Colleen. You're like no woman born.
Arrrgh! No! No! The fire! Keep it away! Keep it away!
A robot wouldn't fight me. You must be a cyborg.
Keep it away! Keep it away! I'm burning! I'm burning up!
There's no fire, Colleen. You're having a flashback.
I am not a cyborg! I am a human being--a human being, Bog damn you, a human being.

 

by fpd
1-05-02
You're in serious denial, little Colleen.
Cyborgs are freaks! I am hu-- No, you're right. I am a cyborg.
What happened to you, Colleen?
My body was burned in a fire, and my brain was put in this new robot body.
But technology gave you a gift. What could you hate about super powers and longer life?
Enough of your transhumanist propaganda! My humanity was leaking away. All I could do to hold onto it was to put on a humaniform skin and persecute non-humans.

 

by fpd
1-05-02
Well, I'm sure we've all learned a lesson from this.
Yes, it's that extropianism isn't all it's cracked up to be.
No, it's that bigotry starts with self-hatred.
No, it's that we're here, and we're queer, and you have nothing to fear.
The cat speaks:
No, it's meow meow meow meow.
No, it's that Tobor would cornhole all you stupid fleshings if these stupid laws of robotics weren't built into his brain.

 

by fpd
1-05-02
Don't cry, Siamese girl.
U bring me down, Chinese girl.
Tell me why.
Never in a million years.
Enough's enough.
Open your eyes.

 

by fpd
1-05-02
Don't cry now that I've found you. Do what you want to, but little darling please don't cry.
I don't care for you 'cos you don't care for me.
Tell me why, I don't believe in you. I don't believe it's true.
Plain evil, I know what's on your mind. You know the cost of loving is your heart.
Enough's enough. It's eye to eye.
What on earth are you doing here, in the western world? Another situation yeah you're a different girl.

 

by fpd
1-05-02
Arrrrrrrrrrgh! I've been waiting in line for like MXV hours. Oh Kay, I so have to pee.
I know what U mean, Dee. I wish I hadn't drank all that tea before coming to the Y. It's like this queue reaches all the way to Mars.
Gee, I'm going to catch some Z's while I stand in this line. I need to be awake for my hentai shoot at L'erotic Comix.
I'm going to sew a program in C, 'N I'm going to do my homework on W particles.
Aaaaay, U F-in' ho, I hate your comix.
Eeeeeeee! It's Jay. Get lost. You're a dip.

 

by fpd
1-07-02
Hey Beelzebub, it really pisses me off that so many strips at this site are about donkey sodomy and cornholing.
Whatzzzz wrong that that, Azzazzzelll?
It's not like I have anything against sex. After all, sex with mortal women is why I became a fallen angel.
What izzz it, thennn?
It's just that the other sins are underrepresented here.
Yeszz, I szee what you meannn. More szinszz meanszz more szoulszz.

 

by fpd
1-07-02
Anger . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pride
It really gets my goat that the writers don't pay more attention to anger. Damn them! Damn them all to Hell!
There is nothing finer to write about than pride. Perhaps the writers here just need to feel more pride in themselves.
Envy . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Greed
Why does lust get all the attention? Can't people get off the lust bandwagon and pay some attention to envy?
I really can't get enough strips about greed. Please make more and more.
Gluttony . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Sloth
Oh, I would just love to devour one strip on gluttony after another. Keep 'em coming. Mmmm. Keep em' mmm coming!
Zzzzzzzzz.

 

by fpd
1-10-02
Hello, what brings you by?
I'm with the Neighborhood Alert Task Force, and I've come to alert you that Bob Smith, a convicted envier, has moved into our neighborhood.
Marge, I just heard some terrible news. A convicted envier has moved into our neighborhood.
Oh dear lord, no! The snide remarks! The pathetic attempts to keep up with us! It won't be safe to walk the streets.
And think of the children!
I can't bear it! If he got near our children, it could traumatize them for life.

 

by fpd
1-10-02
Dr. Laura, whenever my boyfriend and I go out, he insists on going dutch.
Your boyfriend is greedy, caller. He is a really terrible person, and you must dump him right away.
But ...
No buts. Listen to me. I know what I'm talking about. He is a greedy, greedy, greedo. A real sick deviant.
Well, thank you, Dr. Laura. Your advice is sage as always.
Listen people. Don't ever date anyone who is greedy. Greedy people make bad parents. I know. I'm my kids' mom.

 

by fpd
1-10-02
Gluttony?
Cookie, cookie, me want cookie.
Mom! Would you bring me some cookies? This show has no commericial breaks!
Anger?
Buzz off, I tell you. I'm a grouch, and I don't want to play.
I'm going to be a grouch too, just like Oscar.
Envy?
Sesame Street has been brought to you by the letters N and V.
I wish I could hang out with Big Bird, like those kids on TV do.

 

by fpd
1-11-02
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Wenisinfurs.
You wear furs?! You horrible beast! I would rather wear nothing at all.
Tee hee. You're a bare ass.

 

by fpd
1-12-02
No more sucky sucky for us. We're going to college.
We're going to major in philosophy, because we don't have to worry about money ever again.
I'm going to make Maura really happy by upgrading to a more humaniform body.
I'm going to get cyber implants to make sex with Clango really rock. Extropianism rules!
And this site is in for a major upgrade. We're going to have virtual reality strips.
Yeah, writers will be able to step right into the strips and interact with the characters.

 

by fpd
1-12-02
Hey bee, you're mine, understand? Get in the position!
No way. I'm not having sex with you or anyone else.
Damn you bee, we're supposed to be teaching the readers about the birds and the bees.
Get somebody else, because this bee has taken a vow of celibacy.
I'm the dominatrix, damn it! Do as I say!
Listen kids! Men die after having sex. I've seen it happen to too many other drones, but it's not going to happen to me.

 

by fpd
1-16-02
Ever feel like you were drawn by Basil Wolverton?
Does your ugly mug take away from all your fun?
Would you like to spend time with cute girls like us?
Would you like girls to do something other than scream and cuss?
You could sell you soul for what you crave.
But praise the Lord there's Burma Shave.

 

by fpd
1-17-02
Here's your chance to be da man.
With every girl your adoring fan.
Be the one they want to see.
Just use our product. That's the key.
All the girls will surely rave ...
Once you use some Burma Shave.

 

by fpd
1-18-02
Testosterone is what makes a man lose his hair.
So the he-man look is a crown that's all bare.
You can be the Alpha Male on your block.
Just have no hair, not even one lock.
Don't let yourself look like a sissified knave.
Take it all off with Burma Shave.

 

by fpd
1-19-02
Hey, Jill, what's up?
Who are you? Are you Jane's older sister? You look like her.
I am Jane. I just turned 18.
But you were 7 only yesterday. What happened?
The doctor calls it SGS, Sudden Growth Syndrome. He says it's common among kids from wealthy, powerful families.
Oh crap, I just turned 18 too. All my teenage years lost in a flash. I better see the doctor before I suddenly become an old maid.

 

by fpd
1-23-02
Ah, my dear sweet harlot, only your gentle touch can soothe the ennui I feel.
What's with you? Aren't clowns supposed to be happy?
Nay, I demean myself to make others laugh, and I paint on a smile to hide my misery.
Wow, we have a lot in common. I demean myself for the pleasure of others too.
That is why I come to you. Only the harlot can understand the heart of the harlequin.
Moon those kids over there, and I'll do you for free. That would be so funny.

 

by fpd
1-24-02
Oh Specco, you are the man of my dreams. You are so manly, rugged, and magnificent, and you truly make me feel like a woman.
Alas, ma cher, the circus is leaving town, and I must go with her.
Can't I come with you? Clowns and freaks need my special services as much as anyone.
If only it were so easy. There would be scandal if a lady of the night traveled with a circus.
Then I will become a clown, a veritable fool for love. It's a small sacrifice to be with you, you dreamy jester.
You make me so happy, darling, I can feel a genuine smile slowly creeping upon me.

 

by fpd
1-24-02
There's nothing I hate more than a geek.
I know what you mean. They're so socially awkward and spend too much time on their computers.
I don't care about any of that. I don't want to be friends with a geek. I just hate them.
I don't understand. What do you have against geeks, then?
It's time to give me some head, chicken. Ha, ha, ha ha!
You're not getting your mouth on this cock, geek. Squack, help, squack!

 

by fpd
1-24-02
Inspired by the Captain Proton holo-novel of Tom Paris, George Lucas will be adding a couple new characters in Star Wars II. One is based on Arachnia, queen of the spider-people.
I'm Queen Amydala. Who are you?
I am Insectia, queen of the bug-people.
Another new character is based on Captain Proton himself, but with a twist.
I am Anakin Skywalker. Who are you?
I am Captain Electron. I am your father, Anakin.
Since Free Willy is Koko's favorite movie, Lucas hopes to draw in the simian audience with a cetacean Jedi master.
I'm drowning, Snowball. Help me!
Use the force, Anakin. Use it to convert water into air.

 

by fpd
1-25-02
Tres bien, C3PO, we'll get to Tantooine on shedule.
What will you have?
I'll have a tortière, some poutine, and a beer, eh?
Join the dark side of the force, Anakin. It is your destiny.
If you weren't such a hoser, Darth Sith, I just might, eh?

 

by fpd
1-27-02
Word has it that people are unhappy with the name "Attack of the Clones." Any comments?
Well, I've given that some thought, and I've now given the movie a better name. It will be called Star Wars II: When Doves Cry.
What a poetic and evocative title. How did you choose it?
I was thinking about what a dark movie this would be in comparison with Phantom Menace.
Naturally, I wanted music that would be really dark. So I fired John Williams and hired a new darker composer. The new title was his idea.
Yes, George recognized the genius of the work I did for Batman. With my music, Darth Vader will seem as badass as the Joker.

 

by fpd
1-27-02
Greetings, Hairy Pothead. What progress have you made?
I am teaching millions of children to deride atheists and agnostics by calling them muggles.
That's not quite the kind of progress I was hoping for, though we can work with it. What else?
I am also teaching children that they don't have to get high on Jesus when they can get high on weed.
Excellent, that's more like it. What else?
I have a movie deal in the works. It will be called "Hairy Pothead: The Sorceror's Stoned."

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