All comics by christopher7murphy

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But as it was pointed out, "only Mr. Puddin" could control the dog. Mr. T.P. Okie....
Balderdash! (Who says balderdash) I never!
Have you ever been to Dongshan?
Not for years!
Mr. Puddin! Meet your long lost son, RICE PUDDIN!
I hate that name!

 

Isn't it true, Mr Chen? You came to America, changed your name, and used it to make bad television?
It's true! I wanted to be an actor. I would have been bigger than Dude Puddin!
I was abandoned as a child. No one wanted Rice Puddin!
But I vowed that someday, Rice Puddin would be on everyone's lips!
Pop? How could you DESSERT me? Why didn't you want your Lil' Rice Puddin?
I ordered the crème brûlée.

 

Feeling abandon as a child, you changed your name to Charlie Chen.
Yes, I saw it on an episode of MASH.
Your big break came with the show, "Tales of a Rotting Corpse." But they played it OPPOSITE "Rat Bastard."
Yes. Yes! Everybody wanted DUDE PUDDIN! Dude Puddin was big! Dude Puddin was EVERYWHERE!
So, knowing he was mad (MAD I tell you), you convinced the family hound, Butterscotch Puddin, that he should be loyal to ALL Puddins.
Yes. He was a stupid dog.

 

You made sure all of your victims had a Milk Bone with them...knowing the mad dog would kill for one.
He was mad (MAD! I tell you).
You killed the rival to your fathers attention and the star of the show.
When Dude Puddin 'jumped the shark,' I sliped a milk bone in his briefs. But the shark got there first...caught me.
And you knew it was just a matter of time before the shark started to black mail you, right?
Yes...the shark was 'putting the bite on me.'

 

You were paying him off in Milk Bones. The shark was jonesin' for them, his breath was sweet...his teeth were pearly white.
That's a shark for ya.
After Butterscotch mauled Sharkie, you were in the clear. But...
The producers of Rat Bastard weren't gonna let a little thing like the star being dead, stop production of the show.
So, knowing Cocoa Puddin was the executer of Dude Puddin's contract. You went to her to convince her to pull the plug.
YES! But how was I to know she had a Milk Bone?

 
I'm sorry.

 

And the case of Who killed Dude Puddin is over. Charlie Chen (AKA Rice Puddin) was sent away for thirty years.
His only episode of "Tales from a Rotting Corpse" airing nightly on FOX for the next twelve years, a surprising hit among the elderly and some bukkake fans.
And "then there's Maude!" "Golden Girl," Bea Arthur delivered the love child of Dude Puddin late last night.
Oh yes...ABC has offered my little Dude Puddin a contract to star in "Rat Bastard: Third Grader." We're set for life!
In a related story, Howard K Stern claims that Dude Puddin may NOT be the father of Lil' Dude Puddin, Jr.
DADDY!
Oh CRAP!

 

Oh Rat! I've never been so sexually satisfied in all my life! Do you want me to stay till morning?
Well, FUCK YOU!! Rat Bastard!

 

I'm Looking for "BFG: The Big Fukin' Giant" by Roald Dahl.
"Friendly!"
What?
It's "BFG: The Big FRIENDLY Giant." And I'll go get it for you.
No...I don't want it anymore.
-sigh-

 

Do you have "959 Comics" by Christopher7murphy?
No. But I have "960 Comics" by Christopher7murphy.
Too bad! You blew ANOTHER sale!
sigh- Happy one year anniversary to me.

 
Hey, wait. This aint Orlando.

 

So, every year the company sends you to a manager's meeting?
Yep. We discuss the upcoming Christmas season and get to meet national publishers.
What do you talk about?
We go over stress relief options during the holidays. Options that allow us to express our stress with webcomics and consumer homicides involving purchases over twelve dollars.
You mean...?
Yes, Virginia. There is an Insanity Clause.

 

Pssst! Hey bub!
?
How would you like to hear about our new line of attache cases?
Mmmm? Okay...
But make it BRIEF!

 

In about fifteen minutes, my friend, the CAPTAIN will be transporting down to your planet's surface. He is a great leader among men.
My friend, the CAPTAIN will need an official ambasador to your great culture.
He is so smart...
Listen Mac! He'll have to pay the fifty bucks just like everyone else! Three hundred if he's into that Klingon bukkake crap. 'Kay?

 

Fresh ROAD KILL! Get your road kill here!
Could I sample it?
What do I look like? Freakin' Baskin Robbins?
ROAD KILL! Get it while it 's still juicey!

 

Fresh ROAD KILL! Get your road kill here!
I'll take some.
Do you want Kitty Lime Crunch, or Opossum Sorbet?
Do you have any Camel Nugget?
That was LAST months flavor!
Just as well, I didn't bring my coupon.

 

Hey, somebody?
I recreated the crime scene as close as I can. But....
I think this cat is out of ink.

 

Not only did my Aunt Martha think I was a girl, she thought I was perpetually five years old!
OH, Ralphie! Look at you! You are so adorable!
It was the same thing for Christmas every year. A horrendous pink bunny costume...and a card with five dollars in it.
-giggle-
I mean really! You can't get a lap dance for five dollars anymore!
Well...it's time for my set. Bye Ralphie.

 

Hey! What are you doing?
Huh?
Can't you read?
What?
That sign over there?
"All Senators must wash hands before leaving restroom."

 

The last day of the conference.
And let me say on behalf of the company, "Good work!"
Wow.
The road back home.
High hopes for a successful book selling season!
I never felt so empowered! There's nothing I can't do!
First day back.
You're still here? I thought you quit. Where's that blue book by that one guy?
Heat vision...failing me! -grunt-

 

Hey, Homeless Willy, we're trying to get a team together for the company softball league.
And we're a man short. Interested?
Well....I'd like to, but...
I have this BUM knee.

 

Jesus! I have to take a shit!
Why do you feel the need to tell me? EVERYTIME!

 

Ohoy there, Cap'n!
Arrrg! Who be you?
I have traveled thousands of beaches just to deliver your Christmas Present!
Nay!
I don't believe in Sandy Claws!

 

Yay! It's the pizza delivery guy.
You know, they only come over when you call them and place an order.
But I want pizza.
Well...let's turn out the lights and pretend we're not home.
How will that help?
It'll put that damn pizza-guy in his place!

 

Who keeps you from wasting your time on useless friends and family?
You do.
And who went out of his way to make sure you have no outside contact with the rest of the world?
You did.
And who can justify your doubts and make it seem normal to hide in your basement?
The dog.

 

Good news! I bought the house next door to you on the right and the one on the left.
..And I bought the one across the alley from you.
I own you baby! I own you!
Hey...where's my credit cards?

 

Where ya goin'?
ummm...to a...umm..a game.
Didn't you just go to a game this morning?
Well..yea. But this is a rematch.
Soon, on Dreary Lane:
Did he suspect anything?
No. Tell me how you're gonna mess up my life, ruin my credit, and make me muffins.

 

YeeHa! I am Speedy Goneswallows, thee fastest shark in all the Gulf of Mexico!
YeeeeHaaa! Andele! Andele! Areeba!
Who was that?
I don't now, but I think he ate my seester.

 

Alas! 'Twas not butter, but margerine I spread on thy bread!
If it were not for thou easilly spreadable goodness, I would be but a shadow of a man.
...and with this pickle...I die for you...and I am complete!
This is the best ham sandwich, EVER!

 

Remember my son...
God made each of us in His own image!
So....He's a tired, depressed, dried-up, bitter old man, too?

 
by christopher7murphy, 9-30-07

 

Honey! This dinner was great! Why don't you sit down and relax?
I will in a second. I'm cleaning up the mess.
Quite the mess. There's food all over you!
Thanks....
Did I get it?

 

-coff- coff-sputter! sputter! Hey!
La lal la! -giggle -giggle!
Bastard!
Ooops! heheh..Sorry. Didn't see ya.
Hey, Gilroy! I just pissed on your dolphin!
What? You did that on PORPOISE!

 

Meet the new survivors of Oceanic Airlines flight 815.
Arrrg! I can't stand it! We've been locked in this airline bathroom stall for 45 days!
I think the plane crashed! And there's a cart blocking the door. We're locked in!
Dangers around every corner! Strong men go weak...weak men rise to the occasion!
We must get out of here. There's only a little bit of this blue water left...we'll die of thirst!
It's about to get worse!
There will be flash backs that will answer all!
Can I help you sir?
Umm..what the hell! Get me seven bean burritos and a soy burger!

 

Trapped in a locked bathroom stall for 45 days:
?
Pssst! Hey, over here?
Help me! When the plane crashed, I was taking a dump and got lodged down here in mid flush!
Did you try jiggling the handle?
NO! You don't understand. I'm suppose to be on "American Idol!"

 

The newest survivors of Oceanic Airlines flight 815 have been locked in the bathroom stall for 46 days!.
Chen, there have been strange noises coming from behind the fat man in the corner.
Well....it may just be the fat man's tummy rumbling. He's probably hungy.
NO! No, we can't be sure. You will have to go check BEHIND the fat man.
Okay! But if he's got gas...I'm gonna puke!
If it's not his tummy, then it's...
Yep. Polar bears.

 

Ted? How many of us are locked in this bathroom stall.
As of this morning, there are 15 of us, sir.
FIFTEEN? How could fifteen people all get stuck in the same airline bathroom stall at the same time?
Must be something we ate, sir.
I had the chicken.
I ate the flight attendent (twice).

 

The remaining castaways of Oceanic Airlines flight 815, locked in the airplane's bathroom stall after the crash. (Did ANYONE bother to check it?)
The Captain wants everyone to remain calm.
THE CAPTAIN? Did he survive the crash?
Sure. He was dropping trou when we hit that first air pocket.
I guess even Captains take a shit once in the while.
ARRRG! That we do, mate. That we do!

 

Attention ladies and gentelmen of Oceanic Airlines flight 815: Bathroom Stall (Business Class)!
It is imperitive that we all remain calm.
Back stories will be supplied on a "need to know basis!"
Purple Nurple?

 

Week one: Mrs. Bently managed to avoid her boss all afternoon. Survivng on a muffin basket left by an intern.
Week two: Mrs. Bently continued to outsmart her supervisor. Her only substistance now a nearby house plant.
Week three: With only ten days left of the month, Mrs Bently almost survived the massive company cutbacks. Unfortunatly, her monthly visit from Aunt Flo gave her hiding place away.

 

Welcome to The Dating Game! Let's meet our bachelors, shall we?
Weee! giggle!
Bachelor #1: I promise to excite you, respect you, and make you laugh!
Bachelor #2: I'm gonna shit on you and then beg for your forgiveness and then shit on you some more!
Bachelor #3: I won't shit on you, I promise. I will however, shit on all your ideas and dreams. You will be under my control!
Bachelor #4: I'm married.

 

Trapped in the bathroom stall of Oceanic Airlines flight 815, one of our survivors becomes a traitor!
Purple Nurple?
Yes, please.

 

Dogs are way better than cats!
Cats make me sick!
Okay...so that's"no soup" for him.

 

And here we have the NEXT great achievement in modern convienence!
Sex in a can!
I got the idea in prison.

 

So what do you think about "Sex in a Can?"
Brilliant! All we need is a catchy slogan.
How about, "Nobody doesn't like Sex in a Can?"
Or "You think it's butter, but it's not. It's Sex in a Can!"
No, no, no! We need an ORIGINAL ad campaign! Who can we get to pull off "Sex in a Can?"
Purple Nurple?

 

Gilroy! You must come up with a brilliant ad campaign for our newest product, "Sex in a Can."
I'm on it! "Sex in a Can" is my top priority!
Word is that the president is making "Sex in a Can" our top priority!
I'm gonna eat, drink, and sleep "Sex in a Can!"
Wanna grab a beer?
Purple Nurple?

 

What's the word on "Sex in a Can?"
Well...our findings say we need to re-name our product, "Sex in a Can."
THAT'S the word on the street?
The word! From above! Around town. All over! THAT'S the word!
So... what should we rename "Sex in a Can?"
The word is "Scuttle-Butt"

 

We have secretly replaced Mr. Toom's "Sex in a Can" with the new improved "Scuttle-Butt."
Mr. Tooms? What do you think about our new improved "Sex in a Can," now called "Scuttle-Butt?"
Well...My mouth tastes like shit. My clothing is full of static cling. And my eyes are all red and watery.
I CAN'T WAIT TO TELL MY WIFE!

 

...And in our business reports: Stocks for "Scuttle-Butt" have plummited! The public demands that they bring back "Sex in a Can!"
Oh, no. I'm gonna get blamed for this, I just know it!
Apparently, customers just prefer good ol' fashion "Sex in a Can."
Mr. Chen! A WORD in my office!
I knew it!

 

?
Nine hundred nintynine, nine hundred nintynine, nine hundred nintynine, nine hundred nintynine, nine hundred nintynine, nine hundred nintynine,
What the heck are you doing?
Did you get that anniversary cake I made you?
Yea....
...And ONE THOUSAND!

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