All comics by MikeyG

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by MikeyG
1-12-04
A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush!
An apple a day keeps the doctor away!
Amen!
Amen!
People in glass houses should NOT throw stones!
Familiarity breeds contempt!
Amen!
Amen!
A stitch in time saves nine!
Seven-year-old boys have asscheeks like freshly-picked apples!
Amen!
Um...amen?

 

by MikeyG
1-12-04
It is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all!
Step on a crack, break your mother's back!
Amen!
Amen!
There's other fish in the sea!
If you don't donate to the church, Jesus will eat your baby!
Amen!
WHAT?
*smacks lips*

 

by MikeyG
1-14-04
Now where did I put the ketchup?
*goo!*
Jesus! How many times do I have to tell you that you do NOT EAT BABIES!
Damn!
Aaaaall right, Dad.
You can go, little Jonnie.
Now hurry up and get dressed.
I signed us up for a special 'Father-and-Son' episode of 'Queer Eye For the Straight Guy'.
Ooooh!
I get to meet that Carson!
He's so sassy!

 

by MikeyG
1-14-04
What can I get you sir?
I’ve got very special dietary requirements and i'm not really sure if I can eat here
Well we do try to have something on the menu for everyone, and our chef can make up absolutely anything you could want.
Well in that case maybe I will have something.
But it DOES have to be food, sir.
Well, I guess that rules out Ye Olde Blowjobbe.

 

by MikeyG
1-14-04
What can I get you sir?
I’ve got very special dietary requirements and i'm not really sure if I can eat here
Well we do try to have something on the menu for everyone, and our chef can make up absolutely anything you could want.
Well in that case maybe I will have something.
"CUT! That was horrible! Joe, stand up straight, and Steve, fix that fake beard!"
Man, working two hours a day is bullshit!
I need a vacation!
I'm calling my agent!
But this is my REAL beard!

 

by MikeyG
1-14-04
What can I get you sir?
I’ve got very special dietary requirements and i'm not really sure if I can eat here.
Well we do try to have something on the menu for everyone, and our chef can make up absolutely anything you could want.
Well in that case maybe I will have something.
...And that's when he plopped his penis on the counter and said, "Ever had a Bearded Blood Sausage?"
That still doesn't explain the lipstick on your trousers.

 

by MikeyG
1-14-04
What can I get you sir?
I’ve got very special dietary requirements and i'm not really sure if I can eat here.
Well we do try to have something on the menu for everyone, and our chef can make up absolutely anything you could want.
Well in that case maybe I will have something.
Stop looking at me like that, sir.
I'm not on the menu.
It be a shame, son.
If you reconsider, you may churn my butter anytime you wish.

 

by MikeyG
1-15-04
Aaarrr! Are you telling me, laddie buck, that I've got the Gift that Keep On Givin'?
Yes, you dastardly beast. Luckily for you, there is a remedy.
Well, me bucko, if'n ye think ye can cure it, be on with it, then.
Okay. I will prescribe this medication, and I'll have the nirse administer it. Please excuse me, the nurse will be here in a minute.
Three Hours Later...
RAAARR!
NURSE TOBOR CORNHOLE!
Aaarr, it be about time. I got tired o' readin' this same copy of 'Parenting' from 1993. Aaarrr.

 

by MikeyG
1-16-04
What can I get you sir?
I’ve got very special dietary requirements and i'm not really sure if I can eat here
Well we do try to have something on the menu for everyone, and our chef can make up absolutely anything you could want.
Well in that case maybe I will have something.
Ok, handies are 5, hummers 15, and riding the brown basket is 40.
Ach, I wish I'd collected the fiver Malachai owes me.

 

by MikeyG
1-16-04
What can I get you sir?
I’ve got very special dietary requirements and I'm not really sure if I can eat here.
Well we do try to have something on the menu for everyone, and our chef can make up absolutely anything you could want.
Well in that case maybe I will have something.
...Aaaaaand?
Be still, whelp! I am torn between the McIpecac and the Pepto Whopper.

 

by MikeyG
1-16-04
What can I get you sir?
I’ve got very special dietary requirements and i'm not really sure if I can eat here
Well we do try to have something on the menu for everyone, and our chef can make up absolutely anything you could want.
Well in that case maybe I will have something.
Boss, how do you make a 'Rusty Trombone'?

 

by MikeyG
1-16-04
What can I get you sir?
I’ve got very special dietary requirements and i'm not really sure if I can eat here
Well we do try to have something on the menu for everyone, and our chef can make up absolutely anything you could want.
Well in that case maybe I will have something.
I don't think we give a shave and a haircut here, sir.
But I've got two bits!

 

by MikeyG
1-19-04
Oh, man, this is gonna be great! I've never had sex with a virgin before!
Please be gentle, I've never done this before.
Oh, man, this is gonna be great! I've never had sex with a virgin before!
I said please be gentle, not 'do nothing'.
Oh, man, this is gonna be great! I've never had sex with a virgin before!
Have YOU ever done this before?

 

by MikeyG
1-19-04
Please be gentle.
I'm about to have sex with a virgin! Awesome!
Two Hours Later...
Yes! Yes! Oh my GOD!
This isn't as good as I thought it would be...
Another Two Hours Later...
I'm really sore now. Why haven't you finished yet?
I dunno, could it be the EIGHT layers of condoms you made me wear before you'd even KISS me?

 

by MikeyG
1-19-04
I've waited for the right person for this. I think he's the right person.
I love you, hon. I'm glad I waited for you.
He's so sweet, and I've never been so in love. I'm ready for this!
When is he going to start?
Oh, baby! I love you SOOO much!
Hey, not to rush this beautiful experience, but are you going to put it in or what?
Put it in? I've been fucking you for the last five minutes!

 

by MikeyG
1-19-04
WANGS!
Rabid_Weasle: DONGS!
WANGS!
dcomposed: DONGS!
Um... Hey. Uhhh....what's up?
Um...nothing. Yeah. Uh...what's up?

 

by MikeyG
1-20-04
My GOD, that was the best show ever.
Yeah, I can't believe they ended up detroying the whole city afterwards.
Well, it's been a trademark of theirs.
So, now that it's over, what you wanna do?
I'd like to do a documentary on why GWAR switched from merely spewing viscous fluids to destroying cities.
Dude, I don't know what you just said, but it was HOT.
Let's fuck!

 

by MikeyG
1-20-04
My GOD, that was the best show ever.
Yeah, I can't believe they ended up detroying the whole city afterwards.
Well, it's been a trademark of theirs.
So, now that it's over, what you wanna do?
*sigh* I guess you can help me start to pick out toupees.
Don't worry, man. There's plenty of love in the world for even the follically challenged.

 

by MikeyG
1-21-04
My GOD, that was the best show ever.
Yeah, I can't believe they ended up detroying the whole city afterwards.
Well, it's been a trademark of theirs.
So, now that it's over, what you wanna do?
All I wanna do is, all I wanna do is dance!
Are you SURE you're not hurt?

 

by MikeyG
1-21-04
My GOD, that was the best show ever.
Yeah, I can't believe they ended up detroying the whole city afterwards.
Yeah, I can't believe they ended up detroying the whole city afterwards.
So, now that it's over, what you wanna do?
Um...sorry, man, I gotta go. I gotta come up with a template for a stripcreator.com contest.
Mazeltov.

 

by MikeyG
1-21-04
¡Mi DIOS, eso era la mejor exposición jamás!
Sí, yo no puedo creer que ellos acabaron por destruir la ciudad entera después.
Bien, es sido una marca registrada de suyo.
¿Así, ahora que está sobre, qué usted quiere hacer?

 

by MikeyG
1-22-04
At a funeral
BOO HOO! *sniff* Poor Andre! I can't believe he died! He's such a good friend of mine!
Not anymore he ain't.
At a wake
Poor, poor Jenny. She looks so peaceful there in her coffin. Don't you think, Mikey?
No way, dude! She looks HOT!
Visiting a dead relative
We all miss you, Aunt Beatrice! We've all come here to give you our love. Mikey, what are you doing?
*mmph* Damn, this bitch got mad chewy after she croaked.

 

by MikeyG
1-22-04
During Sex
Oh! Oh! Mikey, you're incredible!
Thanks! I thought I was gonna have a rough time getting it up to fuck a fat chick, but I guess I was wrong!
During a Job Interview
Hmmm...you seem to be overqualified, Mr. G, but we've decided you'd be an asset to our company. Welcome aboard!
Nice tits.
During Sex II
Did you just come inside me?
No, baby, don't worry. It's just piss.

 

by MikeyG
1-22-04
During Sex III
Ouch! That's my ass, stupid!
I know. Shut up and take it, cock-socket.
At the Bus Stop
Hey, do you know when the 30 bus comes?
Yeah, usually it comes right after I fuck your mother and kick the bitch out on the street.
On a Date
Why do you look so uncomfortable, Mikey?
Aaah, it's these pesky crotch crickets I got from that Vietnamese Ladyboy I molested yesterday.

 

by MikeyG
1-22-04
On a Date II
You seem uncomfortable. Are you nervous?
No, it's just that when I asked you out, I never realized what a big, fat ass you have.
During an Orgy
Whose cock is this?!?!
Oh, my apologies. I'll take that back now.
To Your Mom
MIIIIKE! Make your bed!
I can't, ma! The chicken I sacrificed is slowly bleeding to death on it!

 

by MikeyG
1-23-04
In the Boss' office
Mr. G, I've brought you in here today to talk to you about your excessive lateness.
*Whew!* I thought you finally realized I piss in your coffee.
In the Boss' office II
Mr. G, I have no idea what you are going to do to make up for this egregious foul-up.
Well, I do. Let me go get my kneepads and my dental dam.
In the Boss' office III
I'd like YOU to be the one to handle the Bumstead account, Mr. G.
Nice! That means I don't have to break into your desk tonight to take a look at it!

 

by MikeyG
1-23-04
The Boss' Office IV
The reason that I called you into my office is because the other clowns are complaining about the smell in the Funny Car.
I poo'd myself.
The Boss' Office V
Nurse G, can you get me the kidney ready for transplant?
Um... *BUUUUUURRRRRP* No can do, Doc.
The Boss' Office VI
Listen, Mikey, the reason I've brought you in here is because we really just don't feel comfortable with a male working at the Angry Lesbian Coalition Headquarters.
Oh. If I showed you my penis, would it help?

 

by MikeyG
1-23-04
In the Boss' Office VII
Are you ready to start your new position?
Well, I'm not really sure what a 'paper clip' does, but I'm a fast learner!
In the Boss' Office VIII
I guess you forgot today was 'casual day', Mikey, but that's okay.
Well, I like YOUR shirt, boss. It really emphasizes your man-tits.
In the Boss' Office X
Mikey, can you go help unload the computer shipment?
That's funny! You honky motherfuckers are natural comedians.

 

by MikeyG
1-23-04
At the Boss' Office XI
It's been fun working as your supervisor, Mikey. We had great times.
Yeah, like when I gave your wife that Cleveland Steamer and flushed all your heart medicine down the toilet!
At the Boss' Office XII
Can you fax this memo over to Accounting?
Can you tell your mother to close her legs?
At the Boss' Office XIII
I've decided to give you a raise.
Oops! I guess I should remove the kilo of coke I planted in your convertible, then!

 

by MikeyG
1-24-04
So is buttsex against company policy?
Porn helps employee morale.
You've GOT to check out www.giantblackpenisesinchihuahuasasses.com!

 

by MikeyG
1-24-04
Man, I don't know how you deal with a wife whose pubic hair reaches her knees.
When was the last time you had a genuine belt sander pressed against your gonads?
We don't have to tell your wife what we have between us, you know.

 

by MikeyG
1-24-04
The floating leprechaun-gnomes tell me you're a hell-beast and I must dismember you.
There can be only one...penis in this room.
Look, the pigs'll be here in five, man, you gotta hide this for me. If they find it, tell them it's yours.

 

by MikeyG
1-26-04
Uno
Dude, mom looked HOT in that nightie this morning!
Dos
I've decided to wear a diaper to the dinner table so I can eat uninterrupted.
Tres
This meatloaf looks just like the bomb I dropped in the toilet a half hour ago.

 

by MikeyG
1-26-04
One
Please pass the Bearded Clam Salad.
Two
This tastes like toasted asshole, you fat bastards!
Three
Man, when I lick the shit off my ass it's tastier than this crap.

 

by MikeyG
1-26-04
I'm pregnant.
My teacher had a tittie attack today.
I helped mom make dinner. We chopped off my penis and sauteed it.

 

by MikeyG
1-26-04
The best thing about corn is picking them out of your poop and eating 'em again.
Why do I have to wash my hands? I was only fingering my asshole.
I've decided to be a surrogate penis for Michael Jackson.

 

by MikeyG
1-27-04
Hey, do you wanna come over and make snickerdoodles with me?
Sure! I'll be right over!
I made the first one already. Let me just get it out...
Oh, I thought you said 'stickmypoodle'. That's why Fluffy's in the car.

 

by MikeyG
1-28-04
Hey, do you wanna come over and make snickerdoodles with me?
Sure! I'll be right over!
¡Aha! ¡Estoy contento que usted ha venido! ¡Permita que mí vea los senos!
¿Dónde está el snickerdoodles, maricon?

 

by MikeyG
1-28-04
Hey, do you wanna come over and make snickerdoodles with me?
Sure! I'll be right over!
Hey, big boy, want to see my Bearded Blood Sausage?
Man, Dial-a-Stud just ain't what it used to be.

 

by MikeyG
1-28-04
Hey, do you wanna come over and make snickerdoodles with me?
Sure! I'll be right over!
You got here too soon. I haven't finished popping Larry Flynt's boils.
Oh man, she was AWESOME on 'The Practice'!

 

by MikeyG
1-29-04
Hey, do you wanna come over and make snickerdoodles with me?
Sure! I'll be right over!
Snickerdoodles is code for 'My genitals are doused in gasoline'.
Sweet.

 

by MikeyG
1-29-04
Hey, do you wanna come over and make snickerdoodles with me?
Sure! I'll be right over!
Snickerdoodles means I love you.
No, man, that's 'Eep Op Ork Ah Ah'.

 

by MikeyG
1-29-04
Hey, do you wanna come over and make snickerdoodles with me?
Sure! I'll be right over!
Isn't this great? Now every time you hear the word 'snickerdoodle', you'll think of me in this outfit!
God DAMN you, Pavlov's Dog!

 

by MikeyG
1-31-04
Hey, do you wanna come over and make snickerdoodles with me?
Sure! I'll be right over!
We can't make snickerdoodles without snozberries. Did you bring them?
Snozberries? Who ever heard of a snozberry?

 

by MikeyG
1-31-04
Hey, do you wanna come over and make snickerdoodles with me?
Sure! I'll be right over!
Ok, we've got all the igredients except the...cashews.
God bless you.

 

by MikeyG
1-31-04
Hey, do you wanna come over and make snickerdoodles with me?
Sure! I'll be right over!
You DO realize by snickerdoodles I meant relentless sodomy and sweaty knucklesex, right?
What do you think I brought this barrel of garlic-dill hamsters and deep-fried herpes for?

 

by MikeyG
1-31-04
Hey, do you wanna come over and make snickerdoodles with me?
Sure! I'll be right over!
Where are you going, son?
Over to Michael Jackson's to make sweet ass-love to young boys...er....I mean snickerdoodles.

 

by MikeyG
2-02-04
Rabid_Weasle: WANGS!
dcomposed: DONGS!
DragonXero: WANGS!
dcomposed: DONGS!
MikeyG:
WANGS!
dcomposed: ...

 

by MikeyG
2-02-04
Daniel, I need to see those reports right now.
Ah, the thing is, boss, I haven't actually done them yet.
What? You'd better have a damn good excuse, Daniel.
Well, what happened was...
If this is gonna be another lame excuse, why don't we skip that step and go straight to the gobbling?
*sigh* All right, let me just get the Office Kneepads, the splatter guard, and my dental dam.

 

by MikeyG
2-02-04
And now, Janet Jackson and I will be singing a song!
Thank you, Justin Timberlake! It's called 'Punch Me In The Nuts And Shove A Frozen Weasel In My Ass.'
"Baby, Baby I want to smoke your twat like a bong and nail your floppy pancake titties to the wall!"
"Baby, I swear to God after your part of the song I'm gonna gag on your tubesteak and finesse your balls"
Oh my God! This was NOT planned, ladies and gentlemen!
*mmgorfmmschlurp, slurp*

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