All comics by Scyess

Profile

 

by Scyess
4-06-01
Okay, mister, you have destroyed this city for the last time! You're grounded!
Oh, sure. Blame the giant fire-breathing lizard.
And I suppose you're now going to tell me who "really" did it?
Nah. You'd never believe me anyway.
Okay, no more cocaine-laced Drain-o-and-spinal-fluid shooters for me...

 

by Scyess
4-07-01
"I fart in your general direction!" **snigger** "'I just PAID you for an argument!' 'No you didn't!'" (hehe)
"Spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam eggs and spam." Haha! "I... like Chinese!" **chuckle**
I guess this is better than the guy who made me play "Star Wars Trivial Persuit." I have GOT to stop accepting dates from computer scientists.
"'Yer arm's off!' 'No it isn't!'" Har har! "Always look on the bright side of life!" **grin** "I'm a lunberjack and I'm okay..."

 

by Scyess
4-10-01
I met the strangest guy today.
Do tell.
He had on this bright green long-sleeve sweat shirt, but he was wearing yellow jogging shorts!
Ha! What a freak.
I'll be that guy never had a talking pink cow as a best friend.
Pass me some more of the hummus soda. I left it between your 5' lava lamp and the blow-up Darth Vader sex doll.

 

by Scyess
4-10-01
I have this friend who e-mails me news clippings which seem enraging at first but actually turn out to have incomplete information.
I want him to stop, but I don't want to hurt is feelings, either. It's frustrating. I don't know what to do about it...
Eat him.
No, seriously. Eat him. All his concerns instantly cease, you get a nice meal for free, and I don't have to hear about your wimpy problems anymore. Everyone wins!

 

by Scyess
4-10-01
Do you like my ring? I got it out of one of those quarter machines at Wal-Mart.
Hey, that's pretty neat! I'll buy it from you. But wait, I don't have any money on me now...
Well, what'll you give me in trade?
Let's see, I've got some gum, a Bic lighter, 300 shares of Nortel Corp., pocket lint...
What flavor is the gum?
Strawberry. But I get to keep half the pack.

 

by Scyess
4-10-01
Okay. Are you SURE this drug won't have any side effects?
Of course, sir. Have a nice day.
Go for it.
HEY! I THOUGHT YOU SAID THERE WOULD BE NO SIDE EFFECTS!!!
AAAAAAAHHHH!!!!

 

by Scyess
4-12-01
Ring... NOW!
hmmm... hmm... (I don't care about that phone over there...) dee dee dee...
NOW!!
There HAS to be a more effective way to get girls to call you.

 

by Scyess
4-12-01
We want to walk quickly in the other direction now, Dr. Pedantic!
Yes, Captian Obvious. Let us perambulate briskly in the opposite direction in an unassuming and inconspicuous manner.
Get away from me, Obsequious Oscar, or I'll lock you in a room with that guy!
That's a pretty clever threat, Antagonist Andy, but if it's okay with you I'd kind of like to follow the good doctor and the captian.
Much to his chagrin, none of the other one-note characters ever really warmed up to Mr. Sticks-His-Dick-in-Your-Ass-While-You're-Looking-the-Other-Direction.
**sigh**

 

by Scyess
4-13-01
Why don't any girls ever go ahead and... CALL ME!!!!
**ring**
eep!
**ring**
**clunk**
**ring** "Hi, please leave a message." **beep** "Hello, sir or ma'am. Have you ever thought about securing your financial future with tibia insurance?"

 

by Scyess
4-14-01
Ya know, some people tell me they like their meat cooked and cooked and cooked until it "falls off the bone."
What people don't realize is that if you start with a good piece of meat, it comes off the bone easily without any cooking at all.
Of course, it can be just as hard to get the meat off when you account for all the squirming.
Oh my god! The pain!

 

by Scyess
4-18-01
I've decided my life is boring. So from here on out I'm going to...
Shut up. You're not.
What?
This happens all the time. You suddenly decide to do something to make your life less pathetic. It always ends up as pain and/or humiliation and just disrupts our ongoing Bubble Bobble tournament!
You have to admit, though, my life is pathetic.
I'm not arguing that. I'm just getting suspicious that you always make these decisions when I'M winning the tournament.

 

by Scyess
4-18-01
Actually, Jon, my social life has been a bit slow lately. I wish I knew why.
Um, excuse me. Sorry to interrupt. I normally don't do this, but I see you on this street occasionally and I finally got the nerve to talk to you...
Eat hot liquid death, you pasty invertebrate! Hiya!!
Gack!
I don't know. Maybe you're too subtile.
No, too subtile would be if I decided NOT to show up at his funeral this weekend and viciously beat his family.

 

by Scyess
4-18-01
Well, Jim, tonight is more boring than you thought it would be.
A-yuk! Howdy, partner! You look bored! Let Bubbo the clown cheer you up!
Well, that was fun, but now I'm bored again.
Are you still there? Okay, it was funny at first, but you can dig me up now! Hello? Hello??!?

 

by Scyess
4-19-01
Hi. I'm collecting for charity. Would you care to contribute?
Well, maybe. What sort of charity are you collecting for?
Um, gee... no one ever asked me that before.
Doesn't your charity have a name?
Sure ! It's called, um, The "Buy a Cell Phone for Stanly" Foundation.
Wow! I don't often get the chance to use my hard-earned money for such a shallow and materialistic gesture. And it's tax-deductable!

 

by Scyess
4-22-01
Bless me, father, for I have sinned.
Yes, my child. Tell me the nature of your sins so you may be absolved.
What? Tell you? It's not like you weren't there! If you want details you can watch the tape you made.
...Bobby? Um, right... for absolution do three Hail Mary's and forget the whole thing ever happened.

 

by Scyess
4-25-01
Hey, Earl. It's been a while. What are you up to these days?
I'm trying to find myself. I've begun a journey of self-discovery!
Um, yeah.
Through deep thought and observation of others, I'm trying to find life's deeper truths.
Any fascinating revalations yet?
So far I've discovered that dispite the fact I have 9 eyeballs encircling my head, women are attracted to me for my enormous tongue.

 

by Scyess
4-25-01
My next step in my quest for self-discovery will be religious. I'm going to read the Bible to gain wisdom.
Here, borrow my copy. But remember the Bible says, "Thou shalt not borrow My Word for lengthy intervals and forget to return it."
Wow! I'll bet there's a lot of wisdom in here. I'm off to start reading!
See ya!
Gee, Jon, I didn't know you even OWNED a copy of the Bible.
I don't. I think I either gave him The Guiness Book of World Records or an old TV Guide. Either way it'll make for an interesting philosophical shift for Earl.

 

by Scyess
4-25-01
Jon dines out.
How is everything, sir?
IT'S TERRIBLE! I HAVE NO MONEY! I HAVE NO FRIENDS! MY LAST INTIMATE ENCOUNTER WITH A WOMAN WAS MY OWN BIRTH! I'M A COMPLETE LOSER!!!
Jon doesn't dine out very often.
Er, I meant, how's your meal?
Oh. It's fine.

 

by Scyess
4-25-01
You know, Cowdjinn, I never thought about it before, but it strikes me as odd you eat nothing but raw steaks. Isn't that a little cannibalistic?
Not really. We pink cows think other species of cows are beneath us.
So you're justification for cannibalism is racism.
I also enjoy the thought of the lesser cows going through the meat-processing plant with the "hide-puller" and "belly-slitter" until there are none left to torture.
So you're telling me that my best friend is a sadistic, racist, genocidal cannibal.
Well, I guess. But it's really not nice to label people.

 

by Scyess
4-26-01
Mr. Oblivious meets the Non-Sequitur Donkey
I don't know what the big deal about the "economy" is. *I* still have plenty of money.
US currency is black and green, but other countries use different colors!
Or do I? Maybe the money I have is the wrong color.
Things that aren't in color are called black and white, even though there's also gray!
Instant friends, their first conversation lasted for four days. Thankfully, you only have to read three panels of it.
Wait a minute... where am I??
Gray dresses are pretty. I was young and pretty once... but never gray. Say, is that a jar of mustard?

 

by Scyess
5-02-01
Moo.
What?
Moo.
Quack.
Whatever.

 

by Scyess
5-02-01
Hey Jon? You know that Bible you gave me last week? It turns out it was actually a TV Guide.
I know. Sorry. That was just a little joke.
Too late. I read the whole thing, gained englightnment, and became a preacher. I've gained a following of 140,000.
I've found my calling... preaching the virtues of prime time and the vices of reruns to the TV-addicted and gullible American public. I plan to tithe heavily and retire to a mountain top somewhere.
I wonder if I should tell him a new one comes out every week...

 

by Scyess
5-04-01
...so then he says, "I'm sorry, you can't come in here with that tee shirt on. Long sleeves are required." That's when I pled the 2nd.
The 2nd?
Yeah! The right to bare arms! Haha!
Grrr...
Hm... same reaction. Except maybe a few more kicks to the groin...
You know, the Hippocratic oath says it's okay not to treat people like you.

 

by Scyess
5-04-01
Problem: bad, vaguely-maudlin dada poets speaking in public
Lo, for I am smitten with the trite, I am infeted with blight, or at least I might, gabba, gabba hey...
American solution: Kill them
Violence on television!
Lackaday! For I am slain!
British solution: colonize them and force them to listen to trivial gossip about a powerless anachronishm of a monarchy until they revolt
REVOLUTION!
Take a bloody number. Did you see what Charles was wearing the other day? Blimey!

 

by Scyess
5-04-01
Hhmmmm...
Hhmmmm...
IS IT REALLY THAT HARD TO DECIDE WHO GETS YOUR OTHER TICKET TO SEE "RENT"??
Still thinking.

 

by Scyess
5-05-01
Hey, Jesus. That cross is looking pretty ragged. Aren't you going to get a new one?
Naw, they're too expensive.
Hi, Jesus. Is that you're '78 Pinto parked over there?
Yeah. I'm waiting for a dip in auto prices before I buy a new one.
Little known fact: not only does Jesus save, he's downright miserly.
Hi, Jesus! Want to buy some of my girl scout cookies?
What? Do I look like I'm made of money?

 

by Scyess
5-15-01
...a lot more pleasant if you're not in the middle of it.
...round and soft, but capable of producing foul by-products.
...only fun for the first few months or so.
...delectable with hog-jowl tapioca and a nice '73 cabernet.
...capable of skinning a live buffalo at 300 yards.
Wait a minute... what were we talking about again?

 

by Scyess
5-22-01
Ah... bright... light... must... approach...
**FOOM** AYAIEEEE!!!
Heh heh heh... It's great how lower life forms are mindlessly attracted to bright lights.
......
And now back to day 16 of the Golf Channel Telethon...

 

by Scyess
5-22-01
We need to do something about our bug problem.
What problem? We have one bug.
Hey, bitch! Fix me a sandwich or I'll bite your legs off.
"More peanut butter and mayonnaise!" ________________ "Right away... sir."
At least it's not as bad as when we had the gopher problem.

 

by Scyess
5-22-01
Hey! You! I've noticed that I've been used a lot lately in this strip! I demand recognition as a regular character!
Um... sure. Let me give you a tour of the facilities we regular characters get to use.
Wow! That was easier than I thought. Hey, what's this?
That's the hot tub. Just push the lever to turn on the jaccuzi.
**flush** AAAHHHHHHHH!!!
I guess that takes care of our bug problem.

 

by Scyess
5-24-01
Actually, I think you mean, "Everyone's sick of MY tying their ball sacks around their ankles, not 'ME TYING.'"
No, it depends on what you make the modifier.
No, if you take it IN CONTEXT you'll see that, um...wait, quit looking at me like that...
grrr...
I should've done this to my 8th grade teacher when he was teaching me all that crap.
Damn, Jon, I've got to remember to bring a camera when I come to your neighborhood... geez, are those your balls??

 

by Scyess
5-28-01
...!
So, Jon, then I thought, "Where's mah horse?" So I...
Um, Jim?
Yeah, Jon?
Did you, Jim, by any chance, notice that you're on fire?
Dammit, Jon! You never listen when I tell a story.

 

by Scyess
6-05-01
Step 1) Compliment Liberally
Your eyes are like limpid pools of water dyed the exact color of your eyes.
. . . ?
Step 2) Qualify Your Compliments with Constructive Criticism
Though maybe you'd be more attractive if you cleaned that crusty gunk from the edge of your pools (if ya know what I'm sayin').
...!
ha ha ha ha ha
Asshole.
ha ha! Good one, Scy.

 

by Scyess
6-05-01
Step 1) Show That You're Politically Aware and Socially Conscious
I think that the way Bovine Americans are treated in the dairy industry is just horrid, don't you?
. . . ?
Step 2) Compliment Her Fur and Her Udder
By the way, I couldn't help but notice the way your lusterous coat compliments your lovely round teat.
...!
Step 3) Offer to Share Some of Your Cud... Wait a minute. What happened??
I hate my life.
Hold on... Stop everything... I think today's advice was supposed to be for me.

 

by Scyess
6-06-01
Donkey and Chicken Meet at the Sodomized Farm Animal Support Group
So tell me about your experiences with Farmer Milton, Chicken.
It was terrible. It started innocently enough... he said I had lovely tail feathers and asked me to turn around...
Turn around, you say?
Yeah, like this. I didn't notice he had an enormous erection until it was too late.
An enormous erection, you say? Like this?
Yeah, like that. Then, humming "Old MacDonald Had a Farm," his swollen manhood slowly, sensually penetrated me...

 

by Scyess
6-06-01
It started as just an ordinary day... James Ferbladt got up to go to work. At approximately 12:12 pm, he ate the lunch his wife had made for him.
At approximately 5:17 pm, James Ferbladt got in the car to go home. He arrived at home just before 6:00, suspecting nothing.
James Ferbladt finished dinner at approximately 6:46 pm. He washed the dishes, watched TV, and went to bed. It ended as just an ordinary day...
I think that's quite enough "reality TV" for one day.

 

by Scyess
6-06-01
Step 1) Let Your Sensitive Side Show
. . . ?
I cry all night whenever I watch Gone with the Wind.
Step 2) Suppliment That Mush with a Primal Display of Machismo
...but I will prove I'm not gay by making spicy buffalo wings using only my bare hands and a live chicken.
*gulp* I sure hope he doesn't mean me.
Step 1.5) Make Sure the Target of Your Affection Isn't an Animal Rights Activist with a Black Belt
THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS STEP 1.5!!!
...or they could at least have put it between steps 1 and 2. (Glad they didn't, though.)

 

by Scyess
6-06-01
Step 24) Once You've Gotten Her to the Romantic Setting, Offer Her Your Coat
It's cold, my dear. Here, take my coat.
This is such a romantic setting!
Step 25) Sand between Coats, Making Sure to Cover All the Surface Area
Now hold still.
What?
Hey, Jon, I just heard the wierdest thing! It turns out the charm school and the home repair school are merging!
You don't say...

 

by Scyess
7-19-01
Down at the fast-food theme restaraunt...
Hi. I'd like to order an Astroburger with cheese and some space fries.
That's nice, dicknose. I'd like to order you to get out of my face and eat that stupid-looking jacket you're wearing.
*burp* I think SOMEONE is upset about having to wear a stupid costume all day for minimum wage.
And you still owe me $9.47 for the burger & fries, smeghead. Gratuities are appriciated.

 

by Scyess
1-30-02
*ding dong*
I've finally done it!!
Oh... hi, Jon.
Hi, Tataki! It took me 10 months of training 12 hours a day, but I've now finally learned to slap Jellyroll Morton's greatest hits on my bare thighs!
And you're admitting this... why?
Um... I guess, "to make you swoon and fall into my arms with amorous lust" would be the wrong answer...

 

by Scyess
1-30-02
SWM, 28, 5'7" into music and cows, seeks pretty red-haired girl in white t-shirt standing right in front of him.
What?
Um, well... I never know what to say as an opening line, so I thought I'd just do it like a personals ad. So, You think you wanna go out sometime, or what?
I think you're lucky napalm isn't street-legal.
I think you're right. But since it's not, I'll pick you up at 8:00.

 

by Scyess
1-30-02
It's you! How the bloody hell did you find out where I live? Get the hell out of here!
Sorry I'm early. I'll just wait here until you're ready. I've got all week.
Um, sure... just let me feed my vbigrund.
You're what? Is that your pet?
Yum
Can you believe one time a girl tried to sick her schnauser on me? She was crazy, I tell you.

 

by Scyess
2-03-02
I have come to realize that women are fundamentally evil. They only want to mock me and destroy the last shreds of confidence they've left me with.
Hi, Jon. You busy tonight? Be at my place at in an hour.
...you were saying?
Um, I don't remember. Anyway, I'll see you again sometime after I get dumped. Bye!

 

by Scyess
2-05-02
So, Jon... what exactly do you expect out of this date?
...!
Uuhhh... that's kind of a loaded question, don't you think? What do you expect me to say?
Well... let's just say that if you're answer isn't, "a disembodied floating head," you might be mildly disappointed.

 

by Scyess
2-05-02
You're back so soon?
It wasn't a real date; she just wanted to get rid of some old stuff.
I don't know what it is, but it followed me all the way back here.
I hope you used the carpool lane.

 

by Scyess
2-12-02
So I've got a disembodied head following me everywhere. It could be worse. I could have cancer, or genital warts, or be Paul Reubens...
**sigh** I need to pee.
AAAAAAAAARR RRRGGGGGGHHHH HHHHHHH!!!!
He can't go with people watching.

 

by Scyess
2-12-02
**ding dong**
Maybe I can cover it with a cloth and pretend it's an end table, or something... hey, is that the doorbell?
Um... yes?
Dude... I'm working my way through college by going door to door singing North Dekota Appelate Court transcripts to Brittney Spears music.
Just when you think your day couldn't get more horrifying...
I usually stop for $4000, but for you, $3900. Okay, 1889 here we go...

 

by Scyess
2-12-02
Uuhhhh... I don't want to be rude or anything, but if you don't get away from my house right bloody now I'm going to be forced to rip out your larnyx.
So you think! But little do you know I am not just any skinny college student, I am actually...
CAPTIAN EXTANT! With my huge muscles and incomprehensable chest symbol, I will remain on your porch FOREVER!!!
Um, is the cape-and-tights deal supposed to impress me?
Not necessarily, but the fact my just one of my biceps is larger than your entire head should discourage any foolish attempts to stop me from singing Brittney Spears' music.

 

by Scyess
2-12-02
Look... my last job was in 1992, so even though I would LOVE to give you money to go away, I haven't got any.
Aw, c'mon. Can't I get just a little tip or something for all the trouble it took me to get into these tights?
Tip? You want a tip?
Yeah, I don't think that's too much to ask.
***SLAM!***
I think it's about time I rethought that temp job...

 

by Scyess
2-12-02
Hey, Dad! Did you just see the guy in white tights and a cape walk by followed by a floating disembodied head?
Damn your eyes, Billy! Now I'm gonna hafta cut ya.

Showing page 3.

« Previous Next »