All comics by Scyess

Profile

 

by Scyess
12-18-06
He had a broad face and a little round belly, that shook, when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly.
Ha! Santa! You're really real! Ha ha!
Ho ho ho! Yes, of course I am! Ho ho ho!
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf, And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho!
And then I learned, better than Christmas snowfall; nitrous oxide t'was the best gift of all.
Ha ha ha ha! Want me to open a window or something?
Ho ho hell, no!

 

by Scyess
12-18-06
I don't need a gat to blow ya back my rhymes will jack ya back back like a acrobat! Get ready to fall when I'm on the ball an' --
UM, EXCUSE ME!
Yo, what the hell you be interruptin' fo'?
If your rhymes are as proficient as you say, shouldn't the audience be able to figure it out without your harping on it for seven straight hours without taking a breath?
Actually, it's all a metaphor for the crystalline beauty of the human spirit as it transcends the material present to complete the circle of the tao.
That was my second guess.

 

by Scyess
12-19-06
I'm going to take a hip-hop dance class!
What, you? Ha! The only way you could get funky is to stop changing your socks!
Scoff if you must, but in high school I was called "Funkmaster J." In the yearbook I was even voted "Most likely to be funky!"
What, seriously? How did you manage that?
Actually, it was because he never changed his socks.
Quiet, you.

 

by Scyess
12-19-06
No, I don't need anything else right now. Thank you.
AHAHAHAHA! You just got served!
Yes. It is your job to serve me food and beverages.
Um, yeah. I guess... that's right.
Does it bother you that I ordered a side of bacon?
He was my only son.

 

by Scyess
12-19-06
I got a card in the mail today addressed to "The filthiest pig I know."
The inside said, "I hope you have a great day wallowing in a mud pit and squealing like the little piglet you are."
Wow. I wonder who would go out of their way to do something that mean.
I just can't figure out why you haven't gotten my Mother's Day card yet.
It's okay, dear. It's the thought that counts.

 

by Scyess
12-20-06
Hey, Cowdjinn. Do you know what day it is?
AAAAAHHHHH!!!! The music!!! The Christmas music is chewing at my brain and shredding my soul!!!
Significant pitch and volume, but no convulsions yet. I'd say around December 20.
Uncanny.

 

by Scyess
12-20-06
My love for you could fill every ocean in all the world.
You're so full of shit.
This just in. A substance known only as "Jon's love" has seeped into seas worldwide, contaminating local water supplies and killing millions.
I hope you're satisfied now, unbeliever.
You can be such a dick sometimes.

 

by Scyess
12-22-06
This year I think we should celebrate Kwanzaa for a change. Is that the one with those little citrus fruits?
No. You're thinking of kumkwats.
Oh. Is Kwanzaa the one with the hyperluminous objects deep in space?
No. Now you're thinking of quasars.
Oh. Then is it the one with the black people?
No. Now you're thinking of The WB.

 

by Scyess
12-22-06
I've finally made it to the North Pole... now I get to meet Santa for myself!
Holy crap! You? You're the real Santa?
Who else would have the power to travel the entire world on a single night?
But aren't you supposed to be a fat man with a white beard?
I hit the powdered donuts pretty hard this time of year.

 

by Scyess
12-23-06
Man, I have had the shittiest day today.
Hey, your day had to be better than that poor shmoes in storage behind me. So feel better.
Actually, my day was pretty good except for the whole death thing. _______________ Yeah, me too. _______________ Same here.
Swell.

 

by Scyess
12-23-06
The person under that tarp was the most gorgeous supermodel in the world!
There's no one around, and she can't tell anyone, so I think I can finally live out my ultimate fantasy!
Holy crap! Is that the new Nintendo Wii? Where did you get it?!
I stole it from a dead supermodel.

 

by Scyess
1-01-07
This year I resolve to touch more boobies than I did last year.
According to my records, in 2006 you touched 200% the boobies you did in 2005, and in 2005 you touched 200% the boobies you did in 2004, and so on back forever.
Yes.
So how are you going to improve on that impressive record?
Hopefully, this year I'll get to touch one.

 

by Scyess
1-03-07
I'd like the veggie burger and a small chicken ceasar salad, please.
The ceasar isn't vegetarian.
Well, I didn't think it's called the chicken ceaser because chickens toss it.
So you're not vegetarian? Why did you order the veggie burger?
MAYBE I JUST WANTED A FUCKING VEGGIE BURGER!!!
I'm sorry; my tiny, hard-wired brain can't process that. Can we start over?

 

by Scyess
1-03-07
Turn your head and cough.
**cough*cough**
Now sing the national anthem in pig latin.
Uh... why?
The coughing thing is getting old. I wanted to spice it up a bit.
How about you let go of my balls before we spice anything up a bit?

 

by Scyess
1-05-07
I came here to kick ass and chew gum... and I'm all out of gum.
I'm also out of ass.
Whatever happened to "See ya later?"

 

by Scyess
1-05-07
I came here to chew ass and kick gum... and I'm all out of gum.
I think you got that backwards.
Okay, whatever. I came here to kick gum and chew ass... and I'm all out of gum.
That's not what I meant by backwards, I meant that --
Uh... Why is Jim chewing on Jon's ass?
...and who tracked gum all over the carpet?

 

by Scyess
1-06-07
Life is like a box of chocolates: you never know what you're going to get.
I got AIDS.
What was in it?
Nougat!

 

by Scyess
1-09-07
I've decided to try my hand at day trading. Yesterday I bought stock in the sun.
It was going up pretty steadily until around noon... and after that it dropped for the rest of the day.
I shouldn't have listened when my broker said it was a "hot stock."
I should've stopped listening at "I've decided..."

 

by Scyess
1-10-07
Is it too much to ask for me to find a sweet girl who can look past my nerdy looks and iffy hygene habits and impecuniosity and love me for who I am inside?
And is it too much to ask for her to be a smokin' hot nymphomaniac?
Yes to both.

 

by Scyess
1-11-07
Have you heard? Rosie O'Donnel and Donald Trump are having a tiff!
Oh my god! Putting those two together are like setting Richard Land up on a date with Lorin Sklamberg!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Who the fuck are those people?
If you'll refrain from talking about people I don't know and don't care about, I'll do the same for you.

 

by Scyess
1-11-07
I've been married almost ten years now. Are you married, Jon?
I wish I had a wife! It must be nice to have sex whenever you want.
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
I heard you made a laughingstock of yourself at the bar last night.
I did it on purpose. I wanted to bring some small glimmer of mirth into the lives of otherwise married men.

 

by Scyess
1-11-07
That ends my motivational speech about my NFL career. Please find some time to give me a positive review on the feedback forms.
I have a question.
I'm not the least bit motivated by your boring-ass NFL career. Why would I give you a positive review?
Because I used to sack quarterbacks for a living, and I have your name and address on the roster. Feeling motivated now?
Quite.

 

by Scyess
1-11-07
How can I find myself a girlfriend?
You could try visiting The Land of Impossible Stuff That Doesn't Exist.
Hi. I'm looking for someone to be my girlfriend.
Oh, you must be looking for The Land of Impossible Stuff That Doesn't Exist. This is the Land of People Who Look Like What an Oil Change Would Look Like if It Were Anthropomorphized.
Well, I'm back from what was probably the stuipdest adventure ever.
The souvinier mug you brought me is all oily.

 

by Scyess
1-12-07
Aha! Jon's in that early-morning trance where your crunchy cereal echos forever inside your brain. I can do whatever and he won't notice.
**CRUNCH * CRUNCH * CRUNCH * CRUNCH * CRUNCH **
Uh oh, he's coming out of it... I'd better split.
**CRUNCH * CRUNCH * CRUNCH * (erp) * sigh **
I don't know why, but the feeling that life is passing me by is intensely worse today.
I guess you missed it during breakfast when it was raining money and naked Milla Jovovich clones.

 

by Scyess
1-14-07
Still no boyfriend, huh?
It's so hard to find a guy who isn't a total slob.
And I'd like a guy whose diet consists of more than stuff that comes out of a box or a can, and who occasionally changes his socks.
So I guess that rules out bachelors.
Yep. I'm trying to learn how to turn a gay guy.

 

by Scyess
1-14-07
I accidentally added chicken stock instead of milk to my tea because the cartons looked the same.
But it was pretty good, so I tried adding some chocolate and pickle juice.
Boy, that tasted a lot better going down than when it came back up.
Never mind; I'll plan my own dinner party.

 

by Scyess
1-15-07
I hate working out. Including the commute to the gym, it takes almost two hours of my day. The workout itself is unpleasant and then I'm exhausted.
So why do you bother?
I want to be healthy so I can live longer.
What's the point of living longer if every hour extra you gain is spent working out?
You know, sometimes it's okay to just nod sympathetically.
Why do you tell me your problems if it's not an invitation to fix them all?

 

by Scyess
1-15-07
My friend Hoolie is funny. He's gay but doesn't lisp. His best friend, though, is a straight guy with the heaviest lisp I've ever heard!
That makes sense, according to the Law of Conservation of Lisps.
What the hell are you talking about?
Didn't I tell you? I'm an amateur gayologist.
You know, it's really all right -- if you're having a conversation -- to admit you haven't heard something before.
LIES!

 

by Scyess
1-15-07
So then I turned around and there were these ten leather-clad giants with dildo hats, and...
No there weren't. There were two ex-volleyball players, both named "Irv."
Have I told you this story before?
No. I was there with you. Remember?
Uh, would you believe this was a different trip to Abu Dhabi?
It's okay. I like your verson better, too.

 

by Scyess
1-15-07
I heard you've taken up the study of gayology.
Yes. I'm working on the subschool of ecological gayology.
What does that entail?
Well, right now I'm working on a Lotka-Volterra population model of the gay micro-ecosystem I have in a giant glass bubble in the back yard.
Are you sure this is entirely legal?
I'm trying to figure out why the model doesn't explain the phenominally low birth rate.

 

by Scyess
1-15-07
Fine! Just leave like that, you hurtful bitch!
Excuse me...
*sniffle* What?
I'm an amatuer gayologist, and I'm studying just how the heck you get your voice to go that high when you scream at your boyfriend.
I'll bet this isn't really how he did it.
Good news, Jon. They think they found one of your testicles.

 

by Scyess
1-15-07
Excuse me... is this the gay bar?
You're not gay. Why are you here? Are you a gayologist or something?
As a matter of fact, I am.
That's the problem. This was the hottest gay bar in town, but the word got around and now no one comes here but us gayologists.
So all those guys necking in the corner booths are...
...wooden decoys.

 

by Scyess
1-15-07
Why aren't you out doing your gayology research?
I gave it up. I decided that gay people deserve their privacy, just like the rest of us.
Really?
Yep. Also, the sight of two guys kissing is totally gross.
Would you like to explain that to your seven-part Lesbian Mud Sex video series?
That is, like, so totally different.

 

by Scyess
1-29-07
How went the vasectomy?
Good and bad. The best part is no more condoms!
What's the worst part?
Turns out because of rampant VD in the 21st century, I have to wear condoms, anyway.
So, uh, why did you have it done?
Free lolipops in the waiting room.

 

by Scyess
1-29-07
How went the vasectomy?
Good and bad. The best part is no more condoms!
What's the worst part?
The doctor accidentally replaced my testicles with the manifold from a 1972 Ford Ranchero GT.
My god. Doesn't it get heavy to lug that around?
It's exhausting!

 

by Scyess
1-29-07
What're you doing?
I'm petitioning the government to turn the tax code into a horribly messy complex disaster.
Er, they've already done that.
Really? Wow. I'm efficient.
Too efficient. They'll never go for it.
Drat.

 

by Scyess
1-29-07
Hi, Jon... you lazy, worthless, fat, pathetic loser.
Hey, I'm not fat!
Oh, crap! By throwing in one more obviously fallacious jibe in contrast, you've gotten me to inadvertently imply the remainder hold veracity!
Well... that kind of sucked the fun out of the whole thing.
Never forget who is the master and who is the student.

 

by Scyess
1-29-07
Petitioning again?
I'm proposing a constitutional change to who can become president.
Anyone megalomaniacal enough to put himself and his family through two years of hell to run for president should be declared unfit to run.
Uh, you know who has to pass that law, right?
*sigh* Maybe I can get funding for research on ways to burn bullshit as fuel.

 

by Scyess
1-31-07
How many howler monkeys does it take to screw in a light bulb?
I don't know. How many?
AAAOOOROOOOO AAAUUUU OOROOOEEE OWOWAAAA OOOOOOO WWAAEEEE EEEEEEE EEEEAAAAAAA AO AO AO OOOOUUUUOOOOOOO AA EEEE AAA EEEEEEOOOOAA OOEEEE OOOEEEEEE OOOAAOOOOWAAA OOP OOP OOWAROOOEEEEEEEUUH AU AOOEEEEEE
AAAUUUU OWOWAAAA WWAAEEEE EEEEAAAAAAA OOOOUUUUOOOOOOO EEEE OOEEEE OOOAAOOOOWAAA OOP OOP OOWAROOOEEEEEEEUUH AU AOOEEEEEE OOUH OOUH OOUH
Think a couple dozen will be enough?
You are the laziest bastard I've ever met.

 

by Scyess
1-31-07
AAAUUUU OWOWAAAA WWAAEEEE EEEEAAAAAAA OOOOUUUUOOOOOOO EEEE OOEEEE OOOAAOOOOWAAA OOP OOP OOWAROOOEEEEEEEUUH AU AOOEEEEEE OOUH OOUH OOUH
Isn't this great! We have all the howler monkeys we could ever want!
I don't want any howler monkeys!!!
AAAOOOROOOOO AAAUUUU OOROOOEEE OWOWAAAA OOOOOOO WWAAEEEE EEEEEEE EEEEAAAAAAA AO AO AO OOOOUUUUOOOOOOO AA EEEE AAA EEEEEEOOOOAA OOEEEE OOOEEEEEE OOOAAOOOOWAAA OOP OOP OOWAROOOEEEEEEEUUH AU AOOEEEEEEEE
EEEE OOEEEE OOOAAOOOOWAAA EEEEAAAAAAA OOOOUUUUOOOOOOO OOP OOP OOWAROOOEEEEEEEUUH AU AOOEEEEEE OOUH OOUH OOUH AAAUUUU OWOWAAAA WWAAEEEE
We have all the howler monkeys we could ever want... and more!
You missed your calling in marketing.

 

by Scyess
1-31-07
AAAOOOROOOOO AAAUUUU OOROOOEEE OWOWAAAA OOOOOOO WWAAEEEE EEEEEEE EEEEAAAAAAA OOOEEEEEE OOOAAOOOOWAAA OOP
We've gotten some complaints from this address. Something about howler monkeys?
Sorry; no howler monkeys here.
AAAOOOROOOOO AAAUUUU OOROOOEEE OWOWAAAA OOOOOOO WWAAEEEE EEEEEEE EEEEAAAAAAA AO AO AO OOOOUUUUOOOOOOO AA EEEE AAA EEEEEEOOOOAA OOEEEE OOOEEEEEE OOOAAOOOOWAAA OOP OOP OOWAROOOEEEEEEEUUH AU AOOEEEEEEEE
OOROOOEEE OWOWAAAA OOOOOOO AO AO AO OOOOUUUUOOOOOOO AA OOOEEEEEE OOOAAOOOOWAAA OOP
You've either got howler monkeys or my hearing aid is giving me some wicked feedback.
Uh... my skull is made entirely of magnetite?

 

by Scyess
1-31-07
Holy crap! What's that noise?
It's silence! The howler monkeys have finally stopped howling!
Excuse me, sir. Might you have a spare throat lozenge on you?
Sure. Here you go.
AAAUUUU OWOWAAAA WWAAEEEE EEEEAAAAAAA OOOOUUUUOOOOOOO EEEE OOEEEE OOOAAOOOOWAAA OOP OOP OOWAROOOEEEEEEEUUH AU AOOEEEEEE OOUH OOUH OOUH
Holy crap! What's that noise?
Which one? The monkeys or the sound of me hating you?

 

by Scyess
1-31-07
EEEE OOEEEE OOOAAOOOOWAAA OOP OOP OOWAROOOEEEEEEEUUH AU AOOEEEEEE OOUH OOUH OOUH
I'm from the health department: animal division. Do you have a bunch of howler monkeys here?
Well, yes. But I assure you, they're perfectly clean.
AAAUUUU OWOWAAAA WWAAEEEE EEEEAAAAAAA OOOOUUUUOOOOOOO AOOEEEEEE OOUH OOUH OOUH
I'm sure they are. They called me to complain about your feet. I'm afraid they have to come with me.
I have to say I find this just slightly embarassing.
You mean, the house was full of monkeys but that smell was you?

 

by Scyess
2-02-07
I've traveled to all seven continents, learned a dozen languages, and consistently solve Rubik's Cube... but I can't figure out my income taxes.
I can pilot a helicopter through a mall, beat grand masters at chess, and turn meatballs into a substance harder than diamonds... but I STILL can't figure out my fucking income taxes!!
Uh, Jon. You can't do any of that stuff.
I know. But I feel less frustrated about it if I pretned I've actually acomplished anything in my life.
You don't have any income, anyway.

 

by Scyess
2-02-07
Sam, can you help me figure out my income taxes?
Sure. First you have to draw a pentagram on the ground and get some virgin blood...
Er... that's great and all, but I really just need help understanding the booklet.
I know. I'm quoting from page 83.
Holy shit... that is on page 83.
Everyone takes accouting classes in Hell.

 

by Scyess
2-02-07
Seriously, Samantha... I just need some help with this federal income tax form.
I can impart that knowledge to you, but first you must make a great sacrifice to the Universal Great Dark Evil of the Universe in it's many forms...
DAMMIT, THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I'M TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO DO!
The irony is not lost on the Great Dark Evil; trust me.

 

by Scyess
2-06-07
How do you feel about gay marriage?
I'm not gay. And you're a woman.
Er... that wasn't a suggestion.
You can't just order me to marry you! I'm straight and you're not even a guy! I'm having a stress-induced aneurism! *kGAH!*
Maybe you need to calm down a little.
Will our "life partner" insurance cover this?

 

by Scyess
2-06-07
Wanna come watch some reality TV with me?
That sounds great, but I'd rather take a history test while pounding nails into my skull.
ow... ow... ow... ow...
Who can tell me the year Burma became Myanmar?
I can't believe there's actually a club for this.
It started as a concept for a reality TV show.

 

by Scyess
2-06-07
Hello, this is web page registration. May I help you?
Oh, yes! I'd like to make a web site with pictures of my kids and pets! And you know, maybe some background music... and dancing pictures!
Just stay there, ma'am. We'll send someone right over.
Why does someone need to come over?
Life is so much more fun since they issued this new hunting license.
Let's go. There's someone on 4th street trying to register my3yearolds.crayondrawings.net

 

by Scyess
2-07-07
If you don't mind, Doctor, I'm curious. I'm wondering why a man would decide to become a gynocologist.
Haha! I guess I just love cunts!
So it was either this or Congressional assistant.
I really wish you'd chosen Congress.
Oh, I figure I'll do that when my malpractice insurance rates go too high. But in the meantime... someone's still wearing pants!

Showing page 33.

« Previous Next »