All comics by Scyess

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by Scyess
2-14-02
"Hey, buddy. Can I get a ride? I'll give you a buck." "Aw c'mon. What can I get for $1?
"...oh, and by the way, if you mention a 10-10 phone number I'm going to ram this bag of half-starved badgers up your ass."
This is actually kind of refreshing.
"Uh, I think I'll walk." "Damn right you will, fuck-o."

 

by Scyess
2-14-02
Welcome to the Veggie Bistro. Our specials today are pulverized soy curd with natural wheat germ flavor and soy curd pulverized and flavored with germ of wheat.
What the hell kind of choice is that?
Don't freak out, dude. I can also ask the chef to make his special wheat-germ soy curdlets served pulverized. It's delicious!
You're a freak, boy. You can keep your soy wierdness; I'm going somewhere where they serve food fit to eat!
Later on, at the Cannibalism Cafe
Excellent choice, sir. The chef recommends this prepared medium-well.
No way, boy. I like my babies on the bloody side.

 

by Scyess
2-14-02
Yep. The quick-draw. That's what life is all about.
Ha! You would. You think life is about power over others. Might makes right, right? How archaic! Life is about understanding, thinking, and learning to love your fellow man.
DRAW!
Life is more than just a contest! It's a journey to... AAAUUGGHHH!!!
Too slow.

 

by Scyess
2-14-02
Hey, Earl. What's up?
Hi, Jon. Did you know that through diet and subliminal messages you can make large groups of people unwittingly perform heinous, criminal acts of abuse and perversion? Well, gotta go. See ya!
Hey, Jon. What's up?
Don't ask.

 

by Scyess
2-15-02
Hey buddy... you gonna eat that?
Um, eat what? I was just standing here.
I don't know... there's just something about standing in this position that makes me want to say, "You gonna eat that?"
Right... uuhhh... excuse me, but I have a sudden urge to stand somewhere else now.

 

by Scyess
2-17-02
Hey, guys! I've almost finshed my snow-man. How're y'all doing?
I was having trouble working on my ice-man when I found that quick-drying cement and a hose.
I guess it was probably a dumb idea to try to make a fire-man... Hell Beast or no plasmas are too difficult to work with.

 

by Scyess
2-17-02
BASS THUMP BASS THUMP BASS THUMP BASS THUMP BASS THUMP BASS THUMP BASS THUMP BASS THUMP BASS THUMP BASS THUMP BASS THUMP BASS THUMP BASS THUMP BASS THUMP BASS THUMP
. . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . . . . .
BASS THUMP BASS THUMP BASS THUMP BASS THUMP BASS THUMP BASS THUMP BASS THUMP BASS THUMP BASS THUMP BASS THUMP BASS THUMP BASS THUMP BASS THUMP BASS THUMP BASS THUMP
. . . . . !!!
. . . ? . . . . . .
So, were you able to meet any girls at the club?
I don't know. I THINK so...

 

by Scyess
2-17-02
BASS THUMP BASS THUMP BASS THUMP BASS THUMP BASS THUMP BASS THUMP BASS THUMP BASS THUMP BASS THUMP BASS THUMP BASS THUMP BASS THUMP BASS THUMP BASS THUMP BASS THUMP
. . . ?!! . . . !!!!
. . . !! . . . ?
BASS THUMP BASS THUMP BASS THUMP BASS THUMP BASS THUMP BASS THUMP BASS THUMP BASS THUMP BASS THUMP BASS THUMP BASS THUMP BASS THUMP BASS THUMP BASS THUMP BASS THUMP
. . . ? . . . . . ? . . !!
. . . ! . . !!! . . . ? . . ! . . !
How 'bout tonight? Any better luck picking up girls at this club?
Tonight I can be pretty sure the answer is "no."

 

by Scyess
2-17-02
Gee, Tataki... it's been a long time since you turned me down for a date, and we've gotten to know each other pretty well, since then...
...Jon, are you asking me out again? I thought you would never ask!
What?? you mean...
Yes, Jon, that's exactly what I mean.
...it's been WAY too long since I last kicked your ass. HIYA!

 

by Scyess
2-20-02
She does it every time -- hurts me not only emotionally but physically. I only want her respect. And maybe a little affection.
But all I get is abuse! I can't get anywhere with her, and I can't stop thinking about her. It couldn't get any worse.
I'm going to dine upon your flesh and suck the marrow from your bones now.
Oh, gee, I'm afraid I'm boring you... I'll just leave -- quickly.

 

by Scyess
2-21-02
*pant pant pant* I finally found you! Okay, here's the deal. The place has three security sub-systems and 20 armed guards. I'm going to go in the north way -- they'll expect that attack least.
But you have to get those security systems disabled by 1900 hours or else I'll be spending the rest of my life as the quadrapalegic love-bitch for some inmate named Spike. Okay! Let's move out!!!
In about two hours whoever that was is really going to wish I knew what the hell he was talking about.

 

by Scyess
2-28-02
What can I do to convince you that reincarnation is real?
Um, NOTHING.
Nothing?
No, nothing. ...but if there were something, this would be a good start...

 

by Scyess
3-08-02
My life once lacked direction, Cowdjinn, but no more.
Oh?
Yes! They say that Einstein was sweeping floors until he found his true calling. I have found mine.
And in what field, prithee, will you be the next Einstein?
Well, it's less traditional than physics... but no less noble!
...and does this have anthing to do with the "Towel Boy Wanted for Women's Prison" ad you circled in the paper?

 

by Scyess
3-08-02
I can't lose as the new towel boy at the women's prison!
I get to watch desperate, incarcerated women shower, and any homosexual activity isn't a threat but a bonus!
Um, you do realize the women in actual prisons aren't at all like the ones in your "Busty Prison Babes" video series, right?
Of course they are, Cowdjinn! Documentaries don't lie!

 

by Scyess
3-15-02
Dude, watch this!
Spontaneous combustion! Is this cool or what!!
It's not really spontaneous if you planned it.
Damn, this guy is hard to impress.

 

by Scyess
3-15-02
Jon applies for a job at the women's prison.
What are your qualifications to be a towel boy?
Well, I can stand up. What's more, I can hold towels at the same time. Steam has no affect on me.
Okay. Do you know any personal injury lawyers?
No! I hate personal injury lawyers.
Great. Do you own your own protective cup?
Uuhhh... these aren't quite the questions I expected...

 

by Scyess
3-18-02
Okay, Jon. No hot inmates yet but you've just got to wait...
Give me a towel, bitch.
Yep... any minute now the hotties will show up...
Towel! Now!
What the hell kind of women's prison is this? This isn't what I saw on late-night cable!
Honey, give me a towel now or you'll be picking pieces of your cajones off the shower-room floor.

 

by Scyess
3-18-02
Towel.
Towel.
Okay... sometime very soon I'm going to have to begin thinking about whether this women's towel-boy gig is all I had hoped...
Towel, please, hun. Hey, you're cute.

 

by Scyess
3-18-02
Damn, Jon, you look like shit. Didn't things go as planned at the women's prison?
Sorry to interrupt, y'all. I just wanted to let the readers know that Dan Savage in his column "Savage Love" determined through a reader poll that the term for a woman's
strapping on a dildo and fucking a man in the ass should be called "pegging." That may be useful information for the remainder of this strip. Thank you and enjoy!
Ick. Actually, maybe I'd prefer it if you just kept your adventures to yourself.
Why are all the chairs in this house so fucking hard?

 

by Scyess
3-18-02
All right! I can't wait to try the new "Life-Like Fighting Game Accessory Controller" for my PS2.
Hello, user! I am the LLFGAC for your PS2! From now on every attack your character feels, you feel, too!
Um, actually, you know, I really should try out some of those puzzle games I bought...
Try to unplug me and I'll rip off your nipples!

 

by Scyess
3-20-02
. . . !
Okay, fuck-o. This is a stick up! Take out all your cash and put it into my pouch now!
Lady, that's just gross. The pouches of marsupials aren't pockets; they're warm, fleshy, mucus-lined bodily orifices.
You might as well ask me to shove my $4 up your ass.
Um... maybe I should come back after I do some research.

 

by Scyess
3-20-02
... but ... but ... I'm still so young!
Sorry, home-girl. When it's time, it's time.
Wait! I get to challenge you, right? We'll play a game, and if I win I get my life back!
Oh, really?
Three seconds later...
...but I've never even heard of "Duck the Sickle."
That's what you get for believing everything you hear.

 

by Scyess
3-20-02
((sigh)) My life sucks. It should be illegal for someone to feel this hopelessly pathetic.
**ding dong**
Yes?
It has come to our attention that you are a miserable loser. There's a $400 fine for that 'round here, mister.
Justice is less satisfying than I had hoped.
You don't mind if I take a huge shit here on your sidewalk, do ya, boy? I didn't think so! Loser.

 

by Scyess
3-27-02
**munch munch munch**
**munch munch munch munch -belch- munch munch**
**munch munch -burp- munch munch munch -slurp- munch -chew- munch munch -chomp- munch munch**
*munch*
Dude, remind me again why I agreed to eat this many condoms?
Shut up and keep eating.

 

by Scyess
3-30-02
- = Beware of the Dog = -
**DING DONG**
- = Beware of the Dog = -
What?
Good afternoon, sir, would you like to buy -- woah, what the hell? Are you supposed to be "the dog?"
- = Beware of the Dog = -
They were out of "Beware of Cow" signs. Now prepare yourself for pain heretofore only known to cud, dickbreath.
Maybe you'd be more threatening if you weren't pink. Just a suggestion.

 

by Scyess
3-30-02
- = FREE SEX INSIDE!!! = -
**DING DONG**
All right!
- = FREE SEX INSIDE!!! = -
yum
AAAAAAAAHHHHH HOLY SHIT!!!
- = FREE SEX INSIDE!!! = -
**SLAM**
Life is so much better since I changed that "keep out" sign.

 

by Scyess
3-31-02
Hi... want to buy some peanut butter Girl Scout Cookies?
I *HATE* PEANUT BUTTER GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!!!!! HIYA!
Oh, wait... maybe she had some mint chocolate ones, too.
Even though I don't normally support Girl Scout abuse, I have to say it's very impressive you can make them completely disintegrate like that.

 

by Scyess
4-02-02
In a world where where hyper-intellegent insects control demons from the lowest pits of hell...
grrr....
There they are, Alerapakriphthlon! Summon the hordes of undead warriors!
...only one being can stop them, using only his shape-shifting ability, x-ray eyes, dementional shift, time-stopping ability, and telekenetic powers.
Quickly! To my sleek-looking but physically impossible X-Model space plane!
We will go with you anywhere, even if it means enduring multi-colored explosions!
This summer, don't miss... $400M Spent on CG Special Effects and No One Bothered to Write a Plot, Part MMMCLVIII
How many of these damned movies can Hollywood churn out?
Notice how my fur flows in the breeze? Bloody amazing!

 

by Scyess
4-02-02
In a world where there is no world...
...or people, or thoughts, or ideas, or landscape, or characters, or plot, or concepts, or color, or sound...
...there is... MINIMALISM, The Motion Picture.
Remind me why we came here again...?
The only other choice was that Tom Cruise movie...

 

by Scyess
4-02-02
Okay, I'll help you out.
Great, Jon, thanks! I've been meaning to tell this to Bova, but I want to rehearse it before I say it. It's a kind of sensitive subject, you know? Okay... well, anyway... here goes. Ready?
Moo.
I have absolutely no idea how to respond to that.
That wasn't too harsh, was it? Too cerebral? Be honest; what do you think?

 

by Scyess
4-02-02
Dammit, Cowdjinn, I thought I told you to clean the toilet!
Moo.
What was that???
Oh, sorry. That was just cow talk for "I'll do it tomorrow."
Yep. So it turns out he can't even tell the difference between "I'll do it tomorrow," and "Eat molten shit, you little twerp."
Haha! What a moron.

 

by Scyess
4-02-02
Moo. ____________ Moo. ____________ Moo. ____________ Moo? ____________ Moo.
Moo. ____________ Moo? ____________ Moo. ____________ Moo? ____________ Moo. Wait, hold on a second.
What?
Moo.
Moo?
I think he's on to us.

 

by Scyess
4-04-02
I think, therefore I am.
. . .
I think, therefore I am.
Sucker.

 

by Scyess
4-08-02
I, Captain Ego, alone can defeat you!
Ha!
SCENE OF INDESCRIBABLE VIOLENCE
**pant pant** I, Captian Ego, alone can defeat you, Indstructable Paper Clip!
Just a few more tries -- then I'll remind him we're on the same side.

 

by Scyess
4-08-02
Don't worry, Indstructable Paper Clip! We won't have to stay in Dr. Pudding's prison much longer! Just fly out through that window and save us!
Fly?
You can't fly?
Christ, here we go again. I am the INDESTRUCTABLE PAPER CLIP. I can't fly. I don't have super vision, or sense, or speed, or weapons. I don't have legs, so I can't walk. I AM A GODDAMNED PAPER CLIP!
If I ever get out of here, the Sidekick Assignment Bureau is going to get one nasty letter.
You can't even bend me into a lockpick, because I'm the Indestructable Paper Clip.

 

by Scyess
4-08-02
You look like an evil doer! Declare yourself!
I am Seductro-Penguin. I seduce unsuspecing men, who then have to live the rest of their lives realizing they had sex with a waterfowl.
What smells like fish?
IT'S JUST MY BREATH!

 

by Scyess
4-08-02
What, you again, Seductro-Penguin? I just defeated you three days ago!
Yes, I'm back, but I am now the Bulginator! I find men with too-tight briefs and telekenetically shrink them until their bulge pops like an overripe melon.
*Pow!*
Right... Listen... I want to apologize for the horrible way I treated you before... can I offer you a ride to some European beaches?
Score 1 for the Bulginator!

 

by Scyess
4-18-02
_-_-_-_-_-_TRANSLATION_-_-_-_-_-_ Waitress: "I can't believe you can eat this crap." Jon: "Actually, it's so awful I can't even tell what it's supposed to be."
How's your food?
Oh, very good. What's in it?
_-_-_-_-_-_TRANSLATION_-_-_-_-_-_ Waitress: "Salt, soy sauce, MSG, salt, yellow #5, MSG, and salt. And a dead cat we found yesterday." Jon: "I wonder where I can find a stomach pump."
Secret spices. And chicken.
Well, it's quite a satisfying meal.
_-_-_-_-_-_TRANSLATION_-_-_-_-_-_ Waitress: "Next time, stay out of our restaraunt, whitey!" Jon: "You'll get a tip when elephants learn to tap-dance."
So glad you like it. Have a nice day!
Thanks! Check please.

 

by Scyess
4-28-02
All right!
Just sign here for this delivery, sir.
Hey, Tataki! Want to come over and check out my package?
Geez, Jon... what've you been smoking? *click*
Damn. I thought for sure that would work.
You know, Jon, it's probably not healthy for a grown man to get that excited about a delivery from his Lunch Meat of the Month Club.

 

by Scyess
4-28-02
This is great. I've signed up with every monthly delivery club there is. Cactus of the Month, Velvet Art of the Month, Sawdust of the Month...
... I'm guarenteed a new delivery every day! My life has become a veritable whirlwind of self-perceived excitment!
That also explains why that Inventory Control Consultant keeps showing up here every morning.
Sir! Sorry to interrupt, but the Toast of the Month has arrived, and my records show we don't get the Jam of the Month until Thursday!
Quick, Bob! Check our supply of Artificially-Flavored Butter-like Spread of the Month! And do we have the Vacuum Seal Baggie of the Month yet?

 

by Scyess
4-28-02
All right! Another package. I can't wait to open it.
AAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!!!
RROOOAAAARRRRR!!!
Holy shit, did you scare the crap out of me just now!
Sorry, Jon, *slurp*, but YOU'RE the one *growl* who signed up *slurp* for the SubHuman Demonic Overloard of the Month Club.

 

by Scyess
5-03-02
I have noticed that women like men who come to their rescue. So I put an ad in the phonebook that reads, "Will Help Women. No Charge."
That sounds like your first call now.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Bangladesh...
Hello! You sound single and female! How may I help you?
Hello? Is this Jon? I am in urgent need! Please come right away!
...so my return flight is in a week. I'm sure we can find her contact lens by then.
If you bring me a nice souvenier maybe I'll do you the favor of explaining all about something we like to call "personals ads."

 

by Scyess
5-03-02
** KNOCK KNOCK **
C'mon, Samantha! As long as we've known each other... could you at least ONCE use your powers to find me a cute girl?
Granted. *drool* She's waiting *growl* at the front door.
Hi!
Jon, you sexy thing! Take me!
Uuhhh... No offense, but I was kinda hoping for something with orifices...
That's okay. It actually worries me that that's your only objection.

 

by Scyess
5-07-02
Oh my god! This isn't a parachute, it's a bag full of medium-hot salsa!
Holy shit!
AAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!
AAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!!
Yeah, Jim, this tastes great. How do you get the chicken so smooth?
Sorry, Jon, I'll never give away the secret of my "Southwestern-Style Skydiving Chicken Pudding."

 

by Scyess
5-07-02
Hi, Jon. I have to say it was really wierd of you to ask me to come over and help clean out your refrigerator.
Not really. Just take a look inside.
Speaking on behalf of the rest of the cole slaw, we resent being "cleaned out!"
GRRR... SPINACH CASSEROLE AGREE!
I've already sent cowdjinn to get a flamethrower and put the SWAT team on speed-dial.
Okay, I'll help, but don't expect me to explain to anyone later how you were devoured by your own fettuccini alfredo.

 

by Scyess
5-07-02
They say the sound of raindrops hitting the pavement can be quite soothing.
INCOMING!!! OUTA THE WAY! COMING THROUGH! OH, CRAP, THAT SIDEWALK LOOKS REALLY HARD! OH, NO!! HELP!! CATCH ME!!! ANYONE!! AAAAAAAHHHH!!!
AAARRRGGGHHH!!!!
People around here are sure are soothed in bizzare ways.

 

by Scyess
5-18-02
An unpleasant surprise awaits as Jon answers the door...
Oh my god... no! It's not true! I'm too young! Not me! I'll do anything! Help me! HELP!
What the...? Okay, buddy. I'm HERE to help. Where's the corn?
Uh... the what??
The corn. You know, the harvest? What do you think I'm lugging around this enormous sickle for? Now, where's it at? I'm paid by the hour.
Um... we don't have any corn.
Really? That sucks. Oh, well; just so I don't waste a trip, I guess I might as well rip your soul from your body and escort it to Hades.

 

by Scyess
5-18-02
WELCOME TO HADES!
No, this can't be happening! I don't belive it!
Oh, I knew it! It was just a dream! Now I\'m back in my bedroom with Tataki getting ready to...ooo!
Jon, you sick-o! I would NEVER do that with you. THIS is the dream!
Fuck.

 

by Scyess
5-18-02
Hi there!
Uh... hi.
Are you in the mood for some hot anal sex?
Um... that's very tempting, but since your ass is literally on fire, my genitals would probably melt off.
C'mon! I heard you were a REAL man! Guess I heard wrong. Let's go! Stick it in my butt! Show me what you got! Slut! Ho!
I wonder which is going to be worse... being forced to have sex with a giant cigarette, or explaining the burns to the paramedics.

 

by Scyess
5-18-02
This can't be happening! I'm about to be raped by a giant cigarette! Why won't this hell end? I JUST WANT TO BE LEFT IN PEACE!!
C'mere, ho!
Ah... my own bedroom! It was all a dream! Hey, Tataki! You won't believe the dream I was just having!
No, smeghead, I told you before. You really are in hell. THIS is the dream.
Fuck.
This is the part where I sit on your face and wiggle for three hours!

Showing page 4.

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