All comics by themushroom

Profile

 

by themushroom
9-20-08
Bro, I sent you a Mobsters add on myspace like 5 days ago. WTF?
Did you just say WTF?
No, you were too lazy to type out "What the fuck" so I just said WTF.
What are you talking about?
I accidentally ate a shit load of peyote on a camping trip and I just have not been right.
I think that Mobster shit is lame so I'm not going to accept the invite. Now plz STFU. :) ROTFL!

 

by themushroom
9-24-08
So you are considering consenting to your male's carnal desires yet wish to keep your maidenhood intact, and realized you have more than one opening in your nether regions. This is called "anal sex".
Do you love me, Jennifer?
Uh, um, I guess.
To answer your first question: While you will not be exposing your eggs directly to sperm, care must be used so that they do not get a chance to go around the bend and then upstream into your vagina.
If you love me, you will Do It with me.
Well, okay, Billy, but don't put it into where I pee. Put it in where I poop.
Second question: Yes, it hurts!! Third question: No, he will be rushed, dry, and lousy at it. Fourth question: The sexologist Sam Kinison says that men only want it because women hate it.
I'll pull down my pants and bend over... just keep it in my butt and don't let it slide down.
*shit!* I didn't even get my pants un- buttoned before I lost my load, Jen! I'm gonna go home.

 

I have known several women who have read He's Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys by G.Behrendt & L.Tuccilo. All of them, one month later, have reacted as such:
I still don't get it. What do I have to do to get him to fall in love with me?
by themushroom, 10-04-08

 

by themushroom
10-05-08
Tobor need your assistance. Tobor not making anyone happy with his sex.
Have you read Anal Sex For Robots by Philip A. Rektum?
Is that book about raping humans or about backdoor with other robots?
Uh... that first thing. If you were wanting to try that second thing for a change, check out Anal Sex With Robots by Joel N. DeBawtz.
Tobor, did you find a solution to your sex problem?
Depends, Clango. Do you have an exhaust portal on your posterior side that is this big?

 

by themushroom
10-05-08
Actual quote from my 55 year old roomie, minutes after my 18 year old ex left from a visit three months after I moved in with him:
So, what do you think of my ex-girlfriend?
I don't think much of her at all.
A year later I moved across the state with another woman, then another year and a half after that I found a place of my own and invited my ex over. And she told me:
Guess who I've been sleeping with since you moved? A hint: He's much older and you lived with him.
My father?! Oh wait... Doug?
It was rather amusing, six months later, when myself and my best friend (who she also started banging) went to visit my old roomie. One time she did all 3 of us in a 24 hour span! So I asked him:
You told me you didn't think of her at all... what happened?
You know her. She's rather persuasive.

 

by themushroom
10-07-08
In the seventh grade, I had to read Stephen Crane's The Red Badge of Courage.
Getting shot while wandering around in clouds of blue and grey smoke is very noble!
Dude? You were high. I'd rather be shot than have to read this shit.
In the tenth grade, I had to read William Golding's Lord of the Flies.
Why do the other kids keep saying "sucks to your asmar, bollocks to your rules"? We need to work together to get off this island!
You remind me of Jeff Probst. Except that he always lives to the rescue.
In college, I wrote term papers for other students, always for classes I didn't take on subjects I knew nothing about. They received high marks. High school proved teachers don't read term papers.
I got a 100% on my social work thesis for Mr. Nygaard! Thanks Mushy!
I got a 95% on the comparison paper between Egypt and Mesopotamia. I owe you, Mushy!

 

by themushroom
10-09-08
There are many reasons why your well of womanhood becomes dessicated, such as the time of the month or infections.
Dad, is it normal for my... down there... to get so dry and itchy? I keep needing to scratch it during the day.
These things happen, my dear. Hey, by any chance, do you wear those shorts to school?
This is a normal part of vaginal ownership and can be easily treated by lubricants and in extreme cases medications.
Usually, yeah. Since I'm the best volleyball player and we have a 12-0 record, no one makes us change.
So you frequestly reach up into the legs of your shorts to scratch your vagina in class?
Try not to scratch. Do not believe anyone who says they can detect the cause of the problem by sniffing your fingers, or can remedy the issue by licking your labia.
That sums it up. Why do you ask?
The balance of life: You're dry in the crotch yet you're making others' crotches wet.

 

by themushroom
10-14-08
Let's be frank: While you should be waiting until marriage before having sex, you do not want any rude surprises on your honeymoon. You should do a dick-check before getting engaged.
I choose... Polaris!
Find out how big his penis is and whether he knows how to use it. Get references if possible. Ask him to show it to you; he will be eager to do so. Learn all you can.
And never forget: If you're in love with a nice, handsome man who is a good provider yet he has shortcomings, they do make electrical devices for your comfort.

 

by themushroom
10-16-08
TGG found a new interest online. Their profiles on the social networking site were just what each of them were looking for, and it turned out they lived 50 miles apart.
makeUsweat: i m xcited 2 c u - u waitn 2 meet?
damn straight <3
On her day off she drove over to meet her new friend at a park, and after some chit- chat and lunch they would go somewhere to have outrageously heavenly s3x0rz.
someone is sitting on the bench but they don't look like the pictures...
It's been said that we are always looking for ourselves in other people. Today, unfortunately, it was no different.
You're not a 14-year-old boy like your profile says.
You're no 20-year-old bisexual chick like you claimed.

 

by themushroom
10-24-08
Jennifer had an excellent idea for a Halloween costume this year... A vagina with a very serious yeast infection.
She patterned it after her own, right down to pouring a gallon of milk and some rancid tuna oil over it. No one would soon forget it.

 

by themushroom
11-05-08
In World War II the average age of the combat soldier was 26. In Vietnam he was 19.
Now say "orange!"
ahr'nj...
LOL

 

by themushroom
11-07-08
Puberty is upon you and your breasts have started to grow. So has other people's interest in your chest. This is natural, other girls want to know what it feels like to at last become a woman...
I hear you got your first real bra!
Yeah, well...
...and the boys would like to know what a woman feels like too, but that's different. Almost every girl will sprout them in time.
I wanna see! Show me! Show me!
I'm not wearing it until I have some- thing to fill it. Mom got it for me in anticipation, not out of actual need.
They're the only tits you've got. The other girls are going to see them in gym class so you should be proud of them. You'll get to check theirs out as well, you know.
But speaking of, you've got boobies but don't wear a bra. How about YOU show ME?
Nothin' doin'.

 

by themushroom
11-09-08
Christmas 1982 - Auntie Maya was passing around an article about Toxic Shock Syndrome and tampon use to all the women at the family Christmas party.
Rely brand tampons have been linked to TSS.
Yes... Which is why they were taken off the market two years ago.
......................True story.
I want to read that article next!
I just realized that with the exception of my mother, my 11 year old sister, and one cousin in her 40's, every female here is over 50 so have no use for tampons...

 

by themushroom
11-16-08
I'm outta here!
Gotta go!
*click* *slam* .................................... *click*
Helloooo?

 

by themushroom
11-17-08
You must be careful to keep your coochie clean, because it is highly succeptable to infection by eukaryotic microorganisms or fungus. This is called a yeast infection.
*sniff* Uh, would you like to try some Monistat? I have a tube in my purse...
huh?
Sometimes they can be painful and crack the skin; sometimes they are just a gooey white annoyance in your panties with an unpleasant odor. Do not ignore it.
I notice that you're leaking froth. Have you tried jock-itch or athlete's foot spray for that?
huh?
There is a reason why you have heard of beer shampoo but not beer douche. Men find white ooze in a woman's crotch, unless he put it there, a serious turn-off.
Hey Donald, here's that person I was telling you about, that I drank beer from the snatch of!
huh?... ahh!

 

by themushroom
11-20-08
(suggestion to ask mother for product with funny name)
(agreement to do that right now)
(request phrased in the form of a weird double-entendre)
(motherly non- listening response with sudden exclamation of fright at the bad interpretation)
(stating concern for girl's mental well-being and a course of action to cure or avoid it)
(male - usually Dexx or the priest - agreeing that this is a bad situation in need of a solution... represented here by a squirrel)

 

by themushroom
11-20-08
Hey, kid, you know what this is?
Yes, actually, so if you'll pardon me I need to step into the next room...
Hey Mom! Guess what?
I was just about to come turn off the TV when I saw that title... shit, too late.
I suppose this is your cue, Dad.
Okay, Sally, but please... look but don't touch!

 

[a true story - and thank you for that, Jaleh]
Well, that was boring.
ego: *pop* ssssss!
by themushroom, 11-21-08

 

by themushroom
11-23-08
Hey John, have you met Dakota Fanning yet?
*slurp* Next!

 

by themushroom
11-25-08
One day at the ranch...
So I says, "Well, them rotor turbines ain't gonna generate gravitons by themselves!"
Ha, ha!
Where the fuck has this background been since 2006?

 

by themushroom
11-25-08
(narration: Meanwhile, back at the ranch...)
(cowboy1 always starts with So I says, "Well, them rotor turbines ain't gonna generate gravitons by themselves!")
(cowboy2 only says Ha, ha! ... oh yeah, and hit the Clone button after you select the cow- boys but before starting the dialog)
(no dialog in this panel, just the two cowboys starting at each other)
(this panel is for the pregnant pause -- it seems silly but people really dig the joke so just accept the format)
(the cowboys had the night off so the default Asian girls are filling in tonight)
(cowboy2 now says What the fuck are you talking about? ... or some derivation thereof)

 

by themushroom
12-17-08
When engaging in sexual activity with those whom you do not know the complete medical record and sex partner history of, you should be wary of venereal diseases.
Hey, Tom, I just got my results back from the doctor... I have chlamydia.
Whoa! Where did you get that, Bob?
It takes two to tango, and the fact is that 4/5 of men know within 48 hours if they've contracted something because it hurts like a mofo when they try to urinate.
That's a good question, Tom. Would you happen to know?
Nope. You're the only person I've been with. I think I should go visit the doctor myself...
Meanwhile, 4/5 of women have no idea that they are carriers. So if you come up 'hot', you should ask your boyfriend where he was the day before the last time you did it.
First, a little hair of the lamb that bit me. I said Bob was the only person...
Hey Tom, I just got my results back from the doctor... Uh, you're wearing protection, I guess you know already.

 

by themushroom
12-17-08
The day after a friend told me to go to her Stickam.com page to watch her on cam...
So how did your night on webcam go? I left at 1am.
Two guys showed me their peens, and it scared me.
Why should that scare you? I mean, you kept writing "SHOW ME YOUR DICKS!!" You expected what?
Yeah, but I'm 16 and those guys were 21. I was scared because I'm underaged!
Ahem. One could say that if you're underaged, you shouldn't be on cam demanding to see guys' dicks.
But I like camwhoring!

 

by themushroom
12-17-08
The day after a friend told me to go to her Stickam.com page to watch her on cam...
Did I see you hand-sign your phone number on camera twice last night?
Three times. And none of the people called! *pout*
What was with that scrolling text that said "IF YOU LIVE NEAR OAK PARK, IL COME OVER AND WE'LL SCREW!"
Ha ha, I was kidding. And anyway, I don't live in Oak Park, I live in a suburb of there.
And you said you'd finger yourself on camera if they all showed you their dicks. Aren't you worried about stalkers?
I'm more worried about those 38 guys' keyboards when they realized after three hours I really wasn't going to take off my underwear or touch myself.

 

Santa, baby, I just thought of some- thing else you can bring me, more important than material goods...
by themushroom, 12-26-08

 

by themushroom
12-27-08
I'm dead.

 

by themushroom
1-25-09
Another sign that the Puberty Fairy has blessed you is when you start sprouting hair in your crotch and under your arms. The hair on your legs will get thicker too.
So, I see you have started getting fuzz in your underarms.
Etcetera. Also have shrubbery and it bleeds monthly.
Whether you choose to shave the hair 'down there' is a personal decision, and it is probably best not to trim it unless you are a swimmer or gymnast, or it goes onto your thighs like a chimp.
But plainly I can see your bust has not come along.
Yeah, all the burden of puberty but none of the benefits yet.
But as for under your arms and on your legs? We have societal morés to uphold, young lady! Shave your pits daily. You will joust against these hairy windmills for the rest of your life.
Are you going to shave soon?
No need. No one's gonna look there until my tits show up anyway.

 

by themushroom
2-12-11
Captain's Log 110212: I've been away from my home planet for two whole years.
(if you hadn't noticed)
The scenery hasn't changed much. Neither has the smell. HA ha ha!

 

by themushroom
2-12-11
Soon you will start feeling affection for other people that goes beyond mere friendly compassion. We call it "love".
You asked to see me, my sister? Do you have some-thing to confess?
Yes, Father. I met a boy recently and I get this... tingly feeling in my whoo-hoo when I think of or talk to him.
Love can be true or it can be false. They can be hard to tell apart. This line is further blurred by technology.
You are having impure thoughts? This is completely natural. Have you done anything to or with this boy?
He lives on the other side of the country so I can't touch him. *sniff*
Ask yourself: Would I still feel this way after I have kissed his genitals?
But does mastur- bating on webcam for him and 37 people count?
That was quite the performance last night... Say ten Hail Marys and let me sniff your fingers before you rinse them in holy water.

 

by themushroom
2-12-11
TGG had shorted out yet another sex toy and, having tried everything her store offered as "personal massagers", she was going pro: Vibe-O-World.
mighty, huge, gigantic, powerful, rocket to pleasure
She would soon discover that the premium goods carried a premium pricetag. There must be another way.
vibrating, pulsating, stimulating, satis- fying, orgasm induction machine
And then she remembered Electric Avenue... Sears: Where America Shops For Value and Makeshift Thrills.
reciprocating saw, impact drill, pocket nailer, belt sander

 

by themushroom
2-13-11
So I was just taking a shit...
Why do people say that? You didn't TAKE a shit, you LEFT a shit.
Actually, I did take one, right out of the bowl. Am I doing something wrong?
Turd burglar.

 

by themushroom
2-13-11
To cut this elaborate pattern out of craft paper you must be precise with your use of scissors.
That is so beautiful. I want to be able to make things like that easily!
Mommy! I just watched some great scissoring on TV and I want to learn how to do it so well people will come to me!
That's nice dear, I... WHAT?! GO TO YOUR ROOM!!
What the hell are we going to do?
Maybe you shouldn't leave your porn DVDs laying around, dear.

 

by themushroom
2-13-11
Love comes in many forms. It is not just boys who want to have sexual relations with you -- there will be girls who are interested in sexual congress.
Have you ever played doctor with another girl?
Y'know, I haven't. Boys want to play doctor and girls want to play house.
This is known as homosexuality and the girls are called lesbians. A little bit of interest and experimentation is normal in a person's growing up.
Would you like to play doctor? I mean, with me, another girl.
I dunno, I'm not into messing with or being messed with by another girl.
A lot of interest means either the girl really is lesban or she can't find a boy of a different ethnicity with which to rebel against her parents' beliefs.
Will your gyno-cologist be a male doctor or a female doctor?
A female, of course! Why?

 

by themushroom
2-15-11
Ching chang chong wakka wakka hai yah kung fooey...
Hey - MEGALON GAMARA! RUUUN!!
Mr. Sticks-His-Dick-in-Your-Ass-While-You're-Looking-the-Other-Direction tests the waters and discovers he has not entirely been forgotten yet.
shit

 

by themushroom
2-15-11
████ ██ ████ ██ █ ████?
I dunno, will that hurt much?
███ ... █████ !!
Hold it right there...
Another ████ that ███ and █████ here on █████ ...
████ ███ ████ ███ █████ !!

 

by themushroom
2-15-11
There is one thing that unites and divides the people of the world.
One thing that can create life or destroy the entire planet.
This awesome force has a name:
Penis.

 

by themushroom
2-17-11
Recently there was a "war" between 4chan and Tumblr. It was pretty pointless because there isn't much overlap between the two factions, though they have similar interests.
Hello, dumpster. Tits or GTFO, /b/.
It was comical because only 4chan was raiding. Tumblr folks kept on reblogging the kawaii, hipster, pro-gay, and fan material for My Little Pony and The Office obliviously.
[Anonymous] asked: Show us your tits.
The obliviousness is the first reason why Tumblr won that feud. The second is because more Tumblr girls will deliver without being begged.
Hey, today is Tuesday, and you know what that means, everyone!
Yes! I'm topless!

 

by themushroom
2-17-11
The female anatomy has three holes in her nether regions. The first one, right below the clitoral hood, is the urethra, which releases urine. Do not insert anything into this hole.
You know, I saw a guy on the Internet stick his finger up his own urethra.
I don't like how that is sounding...
The second one, the main attraction, is the vagina. You may put any clean solid items in here except cowboys, and avoid sugary items when possible.
The third one, the anus, is the one you make poop from. It's a matter of per- sonal preference, relaxation, and lubrication whether you can insert anything. Men will ask to go inside.
Arr, I'm a butt-pirate! Hand over yer booty, wench!
I don't want to play this anymore. I'm still sore from the last time, Bill!

 

by themushroom
2-18-11
TGG made it through another Christ- mas and New Years at her job and all of the holiday help had been let go 2 weeks ago. She always found this sad.
32B, size 28 bikini briefs, OB tampons
Not because she was losing friends, since she didn't get close to the hired help, and her workload didn't increase because they all worked the registers or stocked the shelves.
36C, sticks to black thongs, StayFree panty shields
She would miss them because they were her spank bank. They were all mental one-nighters in endless supply.
7.75" dick, tightie whities, jerks it to InTouch magazine at lunch then puts it back on the rack

 

by themushroom
11-29-16
There are some ridiculous myths about girls. Girls want boys to believe they are not icky like the boys are.
Girls are perfect creatures. They do not poop, fart, burp, or produce funky smells. They're like humans but better.
Never mind how unlikely consumption without excretion or bacteria not affecting girls' bodies are logically; some boys take that hype as gospel.
I loved hiking up here. But now I'm pitting out pretty bad and, uh, I gotta take a big dump.
Ha ha ha, you so funny, Jenessa! You big kidder!
Bad breath, funky vaginal odors, stinky pits, unclean anuses, laying cable, gas warfare, earthshaking belches, and every foul thing you do... so does she.
Shit, you weren't kidding afterall.
So we're alone up here... do you wanna eat me out?

 

by themushroom
11-29-16
Target Greeter Girl earned a ton of vacation time from years of service and never taking a day off. She won a company contest and a 2-week-long world cruise, which she had the time accrued to take.
Indian food? nah
She didn't really care about the scenery or the history, and didn't understand the language in most places (including the ones that spoke English). She did like getting away.
African food? nah
She did have high hopes that this would at long last get her laid. This is where she discovered what items in the smorgasbord she actually doesn't want, and a few she didn't know she could ever like.
Thai food? hmmm...

 

by themushroom
12-02-16
I love you more than anything. I want to spend my life with you. Change everything in your life now, and I will move to your state next year. We will live happily ever after.
Hey, ex-girlfriend I haven't given up on yet and work with! I have two tickets to Disneyland. I swear this will be platonic. *audible wink*
Based on a totally true story, happening as I speak.
I can't do this. You are inadequate, underpaid, and distant. Have a happy life, dude!

 

by themushroom
12-02-16
Target Greeter Girl visited eight countries in thirteen days, and now it was time for her to go back to her mundane existance.
Rome was nice. Got my butt pinched by a papal cardinal even. Same happened in Ireland, go figure.
Dorothy was right about there being no place like home. The rest of the world was just like her own life, but with a different cast of characters who recite basically the same lines.
I bet not shit has gotten done at home or work in my absence, and it's waiting for me.
And less chance of getting caught or facing the music for one's pleasures. Okay, so there were advantages.
Love you, Amerikinski!
Here's your 200 hryvnia ($7), now never tell anyone.

 

by themushroom
12-03-16
I'm going to build a wall to keep the Mexicans out! We deport the ones that are here! We have to get the Chinese out of our business!
Though the wall has to have a gate since fruit needs to get picked, of course. And Chinese steel is okay since I need new towers built!
I'm going to punish people who have abortions, who speak against me, who aren't hetro, flag burners, and of course Hillary Clinton for existing!
Though my party stands for smaller government and my pet project is to stop bullying in our schools. I'm all about the First Amendment!
So your platform is to ironically support the opposite of what you publicly reject.
I don't know what you're talking about. I never contradict myself. Hey, Security, throw this bum out!

 

by themushroom
12-04-16
2016: A shit sandwich, extra shit.
I can hardly wait until next year, this one was horrible!
Hillary to the rescue! I'll save you if you vote for me.
2017: You ain't seen nuttin' yet.
We are sooo fucked. In 30 years I'm putting my folks in a home for doing this to the world.
In my first day in office, I'm repealing Roe v Wade, marriage equality, and Obamacare. Can I get a Seig Trump, y'all?

 

by themushroom
12-05-16
Maura visits Bangdong, China
Hey white lady! You have money?
hold on...
*OOMPH*
One billion rice-eaters here. You think we need more cob shits?
My mother always said if I didn't finish my dinner she'd ship it here.
I ATE IT ALL AND I'M DELIVERING IT ANYWAY!

 

by themushroom
1-05-19
Modern technology has brought new and exciting ways to meet people. You may find yourself seeking love interests online! The Internet is a huge pool full of people of all sorts.
Thanks for saying I'm a goddess, but I am not going to talk dirty with you.
Leper whore. You probably suck off dead mules.
Unfortunately, people do not act the same online as they do in person. Men can be sweet one moment, cruel the next, when they don't get their way.
Thanks for saying I make you hard, but I am not interested in sex with you.
You must be a dyke. You don't deserve my cock.
Do not take this personally. Most of the "women" who engage them first online are porn 'bots, therefore they think real women will pretend to want to see their tiny penises too.
I am flattered you want to see my breasts but I don't know you yet.
Would Xbox Live or Amazon giftcards convince you to bare 'em and share 'em already?

 

by themushroom
1-06-19
Target Greeter Girl has just had her yearly review. A congratulations from the fifth manager she's had, another 27¢ raise, the same old topics as last year under "room for improvement".
"needs to smile more" - More like, needs to get laid at lunch break more. Cause and effect.
She likes her low-effort job and it pays her bills, but she knows she could be making better money if she moved from greeter to being in a department.
"can show more kindness and empathy" - But I can't do that for people who come in at 10:45pm!
But she likes what she does. She gives the appearance of loss prevention (while doing nothing, by store rules) and mentally undresses the hundreds of people who walk in daily.
That was fun. Now to go silently judge everyone for another year.

 

by themushroom
1-06-19
Hey John!
What, John?
Why are we separated by two walls and a lockable door around another toilet?
Maybe the middle John is shy?
Or the artist was an idiot.
Stall, stall will tear us apart... again.

 

by themushroom
4-11-20
It's natural that you have urges and itches in your naughty regions. When a man isn't available and your fingers can't do the walking adequately, there are sex toys you can use.
I hate trying to find my bean through my pocket.
I cut out the pocket for that reason!
A variety of shapes, sizes, actions, and features are available. They can vibrate, curve to reach nooks, have spikes and textures, even be in the shape of mythical animals dongs.
It sounds like you are filled with the Holy Spirit!
I am filled with a vibrating egg. Timed it so I came during a hymn.
Consider yourself blessed that you are not stuck using Fleshlights, blow up dolls, or cowboy anus like men are.
hmmm...

Showing page 4.

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