All comics by AngryAmerican

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by AngryAmerican
3-03-08
So, did you hear that Sven and the boys burned Omulan IV to the crust?
Fucking excellent! That musta been one hell of a party!
Yeah. Woulda like to have been in on that one. Booty musta been outrageous...
Except for the rape. I mean, how the hell do you rape a nine foot Insectoid?
Carefully, and from a distance.
Bwahahahhahh....wait. What?

 

My name is AngryAmerican and I approve this message.
by AngryAmerican, 3-18-08

 

by AngryAmerican
3-18-08
"Are you tired of America playing world police? Of sending our young soldiers to 3rd world countries who can't seem to govern themselves, only to watch our boys die?"
My foreign policy will consist entirely of "Go fuck yourself, we're not helping you anymore.' Because I believe people incapable of governing themselves deserve tyrants.
I call it the "Go Fuck Yourself and Live in a Cave Somewhere and Maybe Stop Having Children You can't Afford to Feed Approach".

 

by AngryAmerican
3-18-08
Tired of the homeless, and crazy people who are nothing but a burden on all of our lives? Vote for me and I'll make them all go away.The best part is you won't even need to ask where they went.
How about lawyers? Hate them as much as I do? A vote for me and we're lawyer free! My Re-Education camps will have them back to useful roles in society in no time! Fertilizer is useful!
Friends we deserve a nation free of ambiguity, where everyone is on the same page, and in the same color. After a brief period of 'Reorganization' you'll find your country a brighter place. Literally.

 

by AngryAmerican
3-18-08
Yeah, I'm drunk. But I'll always admit I'm drunk. I have nothing to hide. I'll also be getting head from thousands of women,
but don't you want a relaxed, thoughtful man whose finger happens to be on the button labeled "NUCLEAR EXTINCTION"?
This message has been paid for by Angry Drunken White People
I thought so. So vote for me this November. Seriously, my jackbooted thugs will rape your family before burning your house if you don't.

 

by AngryAmerican
4-19-08
Doctor please help! My dragon has taken ill and my magic is ineffective!
Hmm. This sounds serious. I'll just have a quick look at him shall I?
Well, its just as I first suspected. Your dragon is suffering from Ginormous Phallic Disinertial Rectorus Draconis.
What does that mean?!
It means he has an enormous penis and I must do something about it, stat!
This sounds expensive.

 

by AngryAmerican
4-19-08
I'm warning you, this is going to be very expensive. If I don't perform on him as soon as possible he will have an episode of Testi-Splosion Colossicus!
Shit! I knew this was going wasn't going to be cheap. Fucking dragons! Griffons were SO much easier to keep.
Time is money, Wizard! This procedure is going to take a VERY long time I'm aroused to say! We must begin anon if I'm to relieve your dragon!
Wait. Did he say 'aroused'? Screw it. I'll be damned if I'm the only Wizard in these parts without a dragon...
So if you'll just give your consent, I'll have that dragon blowing huge, thick streams of fire in no time!
Do it Veternarian. Save my Dragon!

 

by AngryAmerican
4-19-08
The dragon lies in yon barn. We moved him there when he took ill.
Excellent, Wizard. I'll begin immediately!
Nurse Aelfwich, seal the barn and get me some scaffolding, a six foot funnel with 3 yards of hose, and enough bridlery for a score of warhorses.
Will that be all Doctor?
No. I will also require one hundred gallons of personal lubricant, my fire proof loincloth, my magic Gloves of Exploration...
Fuck. I knew this was going to be expensive.

 

by AngryAmerican
5-01-08
It was the saddest day ever, the day Pa had to put Old Yeller down.
I cried and cried, and I never saw Old Yeller 'gain.
As I recollect, we never saw Pa again either.

 

by AngryAmerican
5-02-08
Timmy I just don't understand what the big deal is, lad! Rake em in boyo! That's our fookin job!
Listen carefully because I'm only going to say this one more time. I'M NOT DOING BLACKS ANYMORE.
Don't be an asshole. A human soul is a human soul. What's the difference?
Black souls smell funny.
What?! Everyone smells funny when we come for them. And souls have nae smell a'tall! We're Death ya daft bastard!
like sour wing sauce...

 

by AngryAmerican
5-02-08
Look. This whole racist thing doesn't make any sense. We are Alpha and Omega, we transcend mere race!
Go fook yerself Jim. I'm only reaping white people from now on.
Oh, so you aren't removing non-whites from the realm of the living anymore?
Just gonna let em keep livin and breedin, takin up all that space white people could be using...
You're a fookin asshole Jimmy.

 

by AngryAmerican
5-02-08
Barkeep! Another round of drinks here please!
Make mine a double.
Ha! You've made me the Minority Reaper, I'm the one who needs a double!
I told you mud people suck.
Another round here. And if there isn't booze in these ones you're going to have a fookin short day!
You smell like sour wing sauce boyo.

 

by AngryAmerican
5-02-08
Hey Tim, why the grim face?
Gosh. Grim. That one never gets old.
Seriously, what's up?
I just did my taxes. I owe $1569.
Jesus dear fuck. Why do you owe so much?
Apparently when I became the Caucasian Reaper I went up a few tax brackets.

 

by AngryAmerican
5-09-08
Hey Trailer Park, why don't you kill someone with money?
Did your Mommy get your cloak at Wal-Mart?
It looks like your scythe is made out of tin foil!
You call that a cowl?
Your family's so poor I'll bet you only get to kill Mexicans!
sigh

 

by AngryAmerican
5-14-08
So my alcoholic nanny is passed out again.
I hope birthdays get better as you get older...
The only consolation is that I actually get to sit in my own shit for a change. Feels squishy. I like squishy.

 

by AngryAmerican
5-20-08
Another Father's Day, another crappy tie or bottle of Old Spice.
Sigh...
Happy Father's Day.
Fuck.

 

by AngryAmerican
5-27-08
Our hometown was wiped out by an earthquake last week.
I are sad about it.
Everything we love was utterly destroyed.
This is unfortunatley true.
Everything except a functioning tape deck.
Everyone's got one of those.

 

by AngryAmerican
6-09-08
Ahem...
Yes, my son...
Oh. Its you.
Finally perfected time travel huh?

 

by AngryAmerican
6-11-08
Captain's Log Stardate 4_59-0. Our Vulcan Science Officer makes a suggestion that is logical...........for men trapped together on a ship.
If not regularly milked, the prostrate gland can become a Homosexual nightmare, complete with boxer bombs and nail jocks.
Scotty, get me the hell outta here. Now.
My brother was himself the victim of shemale bomb....
Sadly his nipples turned an earth brown when he was savagely nursed on by a wild rhynthogg on Specula IV.

 

I'm easier than first grade math.
I'm harder than chinese algebra.
by AngryAmerican, 6-13-08

 

by AngryAmerican
6-17-08
Yo, QOQ fairy!
How can I help you my niggeriffic friend?
I wants to fuck me some white bitches all day long son. Naw what I mean?
Boy howdy do I! The world would be a better place if everyone would focus on frequency of experience rather than the quality thereof.
Fuck yeah! I'd rather bang 30 skanky ho's than just 1 honey!
You should go to Stripcreator.com!

 

by AngryAmerican
7-03-08
Dear Caligula, How do I get wine stains out of velvet? Signed, Alaina Vagimus
Dear Alaina, I would have your throat cut by the Praetorian Guard, and then direct your spurting blood over the wine stains thus concealing them.
Thanks for writing. And especially for including your return address.

 

by AngryAmerican
7-03-08
Dear Caligula, I have a dog I cannot make obey me. What would you do?
I would nail its ears to a bench and sodomize the living fuck out of it.
Its simply amazing what an intrusive cock will do to alter behavior...

 

by AngryAmerican
7-03-08
Dear Caligula, I have a son I cannot make obey me. What would you do?
I would nail its ears to a bench and sodomize the living fuck out of it.
Its simply amazing what an intrusive cock will do to alter behavior...

 

by AngryAmerican
7-21-08
Hello, I'm Storyteller, I mean Storyte11er, I mean Cartoons in Space, I mean Bathmat and Rubbing, I mean Angrier American....
And I'm the Ghost Trolls Past. You should just call yourself Tool, or Asshat. Something easier for your little mind to recall.
I live to annoy people I've never met over the internet. It compensates for the attention my Mommy and daddy failed to give me.
Had I been your parent, rest assured I would've drown you at birth. I'm a pragmatist.
I just want to be loved. But if I can't have love I'll gladly accept scorn and hatred to fill the aching void within me.
Tell me more about this 'aching void'...

 

by AngryAmerican
7-28-08
Thank you for attending Brothers and Sisters. Harken now to the wisdom of the Mighty Bovinus, Whose words I will now convey!
Moooo, mooo. Mooooo-Moooowha!..........Moo.
Welcome Adherents! Your wives, children and money are now mine and will be blessed in due accordance with my whims. Blessed be!
Moooo-ooooo.

 

by AngryAmerican
8-13-08
Ah, we meet again my Norsh friend. This time I'm afraid I must kill you.
Ja? We will see whose bones the ravens feast upon.
Unfortunately for you I have recently mastered Akugi Yaga or 'the Falling Water' technique. This will prove lethal for you I regret to say.
My shield has kept me dry more times than I can count...
Happily, you will be dead so fast this will not matter.
I remain unconvinc.....AARGH!

 

by AngryAmerican
8-20-08
LET'S GO CRAZY in my LITTLE RED CORVETTE! I'm SOFT AND WET and SUPERCUTE!
DAMN U make me DELIRIOUS with your DIRTY MIND! 2GETHER we could GETT OFF you BETCHA BY GOLLY WOW.
If I was YOUR GIRLFRIEND I would be INSATIABLE and JERK OUT your battering ram! JUST AS LONG AS WE'RE TOGETHER, MY NAME IS PRINCE.
COME ON, let's make some CONTROVERSY. I'll GLAM SLAM your PINK CASHMERE while you wear that RASPBERRY BERET.
LET'S PRETEND WE'RE MARRIED! I'll let you call me The Artist Formerly Known As The Artist Formerly Known As Prince!
We'll go to the 999 (A.D.) party because I FEEL FOR YOU. At the same time I HATE U yet still WANNE BE YOUR LOVER. I'm SCANDALOUS.

 

by AngryAmerican
8-21-08
So this is the basement filing room. You specifically asked for this assignment huh?
Yes. I work well in gloom.
Well there's plenty of that down here.
Yes. It is delicious.
So. Katoolu. Italian right?
Sicilian actually.

 

by AngryAmerican
9-09-08
The other day this homeless guy comes up and asks me for some change.
My first impulse was to ask him for oral. But karmically, that'd be asking for trouble.
So I cracked him in his skull with a bat and said, "There. You weren't bleeding before."

 

by AngryAmerican
9-09-08
So I met this midget hooker once. I remember her crying and saying 'you don't know what its like to be a small person!'
And I embraced her and led her to my room, whispering sentiments.
After I jizzed all over her face I recall saying,'you don't know what its like to have to beat off on stunted harlots!"

 

by AngryAmerican
9-09-08
So this girl scout in my basement was all like "Oh Mister, don't hurt me!"
And I was all like, "OK. Then make with the cookies."
We settled out of court for $350 and a promise to buy 11 boxes a year.

 

by AngryAmerican
9-09-08
I got this friend who swears he saw Bigfoot. We got drunk one night and I made him take me to where he saw it.
When he went to take a piss, I started screaming like I was being ripped apart as I donned my ape costume.
Then I jumped out of the shadows and DESTROYED HIS ASS. To this day he won't go into the woods...

 

by AngryAmerican
9-09-08
My neighbor lets her children run wild through my yard at all hours of the morning while she sleeps in.
So I piss on the little bastards from my second story window.
Don't look at me like that. They're fuckin Jews.

 

by AngryAmerican
10-21-08
So Doc, how's my python doin?
You're python....grrrr...is....ugggh...quite healthy...ooooh...and very active now.
What, um, was wrong with him?
AHHH! OOOOH! He was just a bit sluggish...grrmm...from being too cold...ughn...so I rectified..ah..ah.ah..that by placing him someplace warm.
Great! When can I have him back?
OH YEAH! Ah, I think a day or more...unnnghhhh..should cover it.

 

by AngryAmerican
10-21-08
Hi I'm Chad from Nickelback. You may remember me from such songs as 'Rockstar' and 'Feelin way too damn good'. I'd like to tell you about some furry friends who..ARGH!
GRRRRRRRRR
GRRRRRRRR
OH GOD GET EM OFF ME!! THEY'RE RENDING MY FLESH!! OWWWW! OH GOD IT HURTS!!! AARRRGGGGHH!

 

by AngryAmerican
1-28-09
*honk honk* Hey little squirrel, did you know that Dubya kept America safe for 7 and a half years?
Really? How can that be proven? Maybe the terrorists blew their wad on 9/11.
Well...um...ah...Fuck you! He kept us safe man! I need to FEEL SAFE! *sob whimper*
Is that why you're in a car INSIDE your living room?
Actually its due to overpriced gas and utter economic failure. I can't afford to driv e anywhere.
Thanks for keeping us safe Dubya!

 

by AngryAmerican
1-29-09
"Oh I'm a little teapot short and stout..."
"This is my handle, this is my spou...." Um-Hmmmmm. Oh Hi Asrethoth!
Um. What in the heaven was that? Uh... Were you singing? Cuz I thought I heard you singing just now. And dancing. A bit.
No. No. Nothing. Just stompin on some hamster souls. Umm... I like how they squeak.
Um. OK.

 

by AngryAmerican
3-21-09
Why do you always have to have that fence in front of you anyway? Its kind weird, man.
Dude. We've been over this a million times. I'm a boogeyman. I have to hide behind things. Would you rather I drag around a closet door?
No I guess a bit of fence is more appropriate for the outdoors, you schizophrenic shithead.
Fuck. I think that dude can see me!
I'm so fucking high I have no idea why I'm dressed as the reaper.
What the fuck was that shit man? I'm stoned chinese! Where... Where the fuck are we?

 

by AngryAmerican
3-21-09
I are Ting!
And I are Ling!
We so funny asian comedic team who come to America and be hugest stars!
We smokey the reefer and very much look forward to your American rehab!
I snort how you say? Eighty-ball through chinese finger puzzle!
I got stabbed buying a dimebag!

 

by AngryAmerican
3-21-09
Hello kids! I'm Pedro the Anti-Pot Puppet! YAAAAYYYYY!
And I'm Miguel the Anti-Marijuana Marionette! Boo-Yah! I has tons of flavah! YAAAYYYY!
Today kids we're gonna talk to you about Satan's Evil Spice, marijuana! Also known as Weed, Pot, Dope, Chronic and Sweet, Sweet Lady Stoney. YAAAYYY!
The stories you will hear are not nice stories. But we feel that as second graders now, you are ready to hear them....YAAAAYYY!
15 Minutes Later...
Oh No kids! See how evil marijuana is? Then what happened Miguel?
Then he sucked the contents of the baby's colon out and puked it up onto its mother before stabbing everyone to death in a weed-fueled frenzy of violence! YAAAYYY!

 

by AngryAmerican
3-31-09
OK, here's the plan. You know that human geological outpost a couple of miles south of here?
Yeah, what about it?
We're gonna raid it, slaughter the inhabitants and steal their Xbox 360. The great penguin uprising begins tonight!
I don't know man. I don't think its a good idea to let the humans know how smart we are.
They have weed.
I'll get my chainsaw.

 

by AngryAmerican
4-02-09
Damn that was fun. I wish there were more humans around to kill. Its better than Resident Evil 5.
And honestly who knew human flesh tasted like yellow fin tuna?
We're on our way, buddy, we're on our way!
Its a shame two of them made it to the helicopter. When they tell the other humans, we're in for some trouble.
Don't worry. If I can master an Xbox game using only a set of flippers, I think I can manage a surface to air missile.

 

by AngryAmerican
4-03-09
General Waddly sir, the human outpost has been destroyed, the XBox captured and the survivors eaten sir!
Excellent work Captain. What about the weed? Do we have chronic or skank?
Sir I am happy to report the weed is as chronic as you wanna be. Its danker than a polar bears asshole, sir!
Right! Captain I want you to send an SOS signal requesting more humans and weed, then load up my hookah.
Sir yes sir! Sir do you think it wise to ask for more humans? What if they send more than we can handle?
How many could there be?

 

by AngryAmerican
4-03-09
...so then we decided to try slathering it in maple syrup and wouldn't you know it, it worked like a charm!
I'll bet everytime that girl scout looks at a waffle from now on she bursts into tears.
I would've tried cream cheese.

 

by AngryAmerican
4-25-09
..at which point the crowd turned on him and nailed him to a tree, thus ruining Christmas forever. Over to you Dan!
Thanks Linda. President Obama today DIDN'T ban guns in this great country, but don't let that fool you folks.
He was too busy sucking off Islamists and setting fire to white babies while planning an alliance with Al Queada and showing Iran how to make nukes. Back to you Linda.

 

by AngryAmerican
5-10-09
GANDALF!!!!
AAARRRRRRGGGHHH!!!
"Triumph...."

 

by AngryAmerican
5-15-09
I are Ting and her is Ling. We funny Chi-medians from Lu-wang Province!
This comic will make mention of Otaku, Ecchi, and Manga.
We not know what any of those things are!
I tink Manga a fruit!
Otaku is Mexican?
This skirt is making me Ecchi!

 

by AngryAmerican
7-14-09
Fuck man! Just go get the fuckin soul Already!
Aw go fuck yourself Jimmy! I told you I ain't doin blacks anymore. Or mexicans. Did you see the size of those rims on that Impala?
Well what the fuck does rim size have to do with it Timmy? Eh? Why does the size of the tire holders on a vehicle fucking matter to you?
It makes all those beautiful classic cars look filthy and cheap. Like an Indonesian whore. I hate them for it.
What the..? Are you...? JUST GET THE FUCKING SOUL MAN!
FUCK YOU I SAID IT AIN'T DOIN THEM NO MORE!

 

by AngryAmerican
7-14-09
Phone service courtesy of Nextel.
Hey Timmy.
What's up me boyo?
Hey I've just heard from Mr. White and Mr. Black, and both of em say that they haven't seen Farrah yet. You collected her didn't you?
Yeah. No. Well about that, I mea...
Oh Timmy no! ARE YOU FUCKIN KIDDING ME! WHAT DID YOU DO YOU LOATHESOME LITTLE CUNT?!
I. I..uh. FUCK! SHIT!. She got me Jimmy. I'm weak! I'm so sorry. We went back to Season 2 of Charlie's Angels. I didn't...I couldn't. *SOB* Oh Jimmy. What have I done?

Showing page 5.

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