All comics by Savage

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by Savage
10-31-04
Ed! What are you doing out of costume?
Buzz off, freak!
Get out of my way, jerk!
Fred?
Those idiots are out here.
Heh-heh. Let's mess them up!

 

by Savage
11-02-04
TO
Wow, Ed. How did we end up here?
I'm not quite sure.
BE
This is all his fault!
This is all his fault!
CONTINUED...
Dear, why did that big girl guard call you snookums, and pinch your bottom? Does she know you?
*sigh* Say, Granny, do you have any cookies or anything in that big purse? I'm starving!

 

by Savage
11-04-04
Hey Ed? What happened to our Halloween costumes?
I don't know, bro. I'm still trying figure out how we ended up here.
At least we have on our regular clothes. I'm glad you didn't let me wear just my underwear underneath my Fly costume.
It's best to always be prepared, little brother.
Also, my Scooby Doo Underoos are awfully faded.
I'll take you underwear shopping when we get out of here.

 

by Savage
11-04-04
Slowly, the fog-shrouded memories come back
Wait, it's starting to come back to me...
I remember...
His eyes are so blank. Is that drool on his chin?

 

by Savage
11-04-04
Ed! You're back in your costume!
So are you, Fred. Something funny is going on!
All right. Here they come, Tommy. Let's hide behind those gravestones.
Okay, Timmy. Do you have the water balloons?
This is a spooky place, Ed. I'm scared.
Don't be, little bro. Hold my hand--What the--Hey!

 

by Savage
11-04-04
Ed! Ed! Where are you?
Who--who are you?
You should not have come here. Now you can never leave.
Fred! Fred!

 

by Savage
3-31-05
Oh, Ed. While we were in jail, I had the strangest dream. I thought we were dead.
We were, Fred, but it didn't take.
Why not?
Well, you see, lil' bro', our bodies are so well pickled in alcohol, that we can't really die.
This is a good thing, isn't it, Ed?
Yes, just like Martha Stewart's bourbon-filled Easter eggs.

 

by Savage
4-25-05
Ed! I've written a book! Want to read it?
What's it about?
It's the story of my life! I wrote it for my night school creative writing class.
What are you calling it?
I haven't decided yet, but my teacher said he had the perfect title, only some guy named Dostoevsky had already used it.
Bummer, bro.

 

by Savage
4-25-05
It's time for me to go to my creative writing class, Ed.
I'll come with you, Fred. I think I have a book inside me.
Wow. Does it hurt, Ed?
?
_____
I can't believe he's related to me.

 

by Savage
6-06-05
Ed, we're almost out of booze. We've only got a couple of dozen cases of bourbon left. Can we go to the store?
Sorry, bro. No can do. No money.
But, how will we buy bourbon? What will we do?
I don't know, Fred. Let's put on our thinking caps, and see if we can figure something out.
Oh no. I lent my cowboy hat to Dad, and my Angels baseball cap fell in the toilet.
You're forgetting that nice tall, pointy hat that teacher gave you when we went back to school.

 

by Savage
6-06-05
Oh Ed, all this thinking hurts my head!
Never mind, Fred. I've got an idea!
You are so smart, Ed. What's your idea?
Well, I've been reading about all these people who get millions of dollars from suing big corporations. Some woman got five million dollars for finding a finger in her chili!
Ooh, that's disgusting.
In more ways than one, bro. In more ways than one.

 

by Savage
6-06-05
So, Ed. What are we going to do?
Remember the other day, when you tripped over that pile of empties and tore your big toenail off?
Oh, that hurt! But I saved the toenail. I put it in my special memory box, in case I ever get married and have kids.
Well, bro, go get that toenail! We're going out to lunch.
Ooh! Can we go to Crazy Clown's Carnivore Carnival? That nice clown always has me sit in his lap, and he gives me toys!
Uh, no. We're going straight to the top. Big Bertha's Burger Barn!

 

by Savage
6-06-05
Yeah?
I'd like two Bertha Burgers, two large fries, two side salads and two chocolate shakes.
You wanna supersize that order?
What does that mean?
For only 50 cents more, we put another 18 ounces of meat on your burger, give you 2 pounds of fries instead of only one, and put your shake in a gallon container.
Okay, that sounds good. Oh, and could I get nonfat dressing for the salads?

 

by Savage
6-06-05
Okay, Fred. I've got my toenail. What are you going to do with it?
You'll see. Just go along with me, and act dumb.
Oh, I'm good at that, Fred.
I know, brother.
What do you want?
Umm, Miss? I found something disgusting in my chocolate shake.

 

by Savage
6-07-05
Yeeesss?
Uh, there was this thing in my shake? I think it's someone's toenail.
Really? Let me see......... Ugh! That's disgusting!
Yes, it is. My brother almost swallowed it. We'd like a million dollars for our pain and suffering. Also, then we won't tell anyone about it.
You idiot! We don't mix our shakes with our feet!
Ummm...

 

by Savage
6-07-05
You're in big trouble, boy. I'm gonna have to call your parents.
Oh no! Please! Not that!
Folks in this town don't take too kindly to body parts turning up in their lunch.
It was all my brother's idea >gasp< No! I mean, I'm really sorry!
Your brother, eh? And just where is this brother of yours?
Uh, uh, well... He's not in the restroom, that's for sure!

 

by Savage
6-07-05
I wonder what's keeping Ed?
His fries are getting cold.
Gee, it doesn't smell very good in here.

 

by Savage
6-07-05
Well now, what in tarnation?
What's wrong, dear?
Oh, it's those darn boys. They've gone and got into trouble again.
Oh no! Go back the truck out and I'll grab my purse, and the bail money!
I told you we should have stuck to raising goats.

 

by Savage
6-07-05
Okay, boy. What's your name?
Eeek! F-F-F-Fred Wanker, sir.
So, you like to hang around places like this, do you?
Yes sir. I mean, no sir! I only wanted something to drink!
What are you, a dog? Do you drink out of toilet bowls?
Oh no, sir! Anyway, I think it flushes automatically, so that would be kind of hard to do.

 

by Savage
6-07-05
Good heavens! Joe, our little boys are inside! I hope they're all right!
Oh now, honeybunch. Don't you fret.
But look! The police have drawn chalk bodies on the sidewalk!
Now, now, sugarplum. It's probably just some dang kids, fooling around.
We have to get inside. Go light one of those stink bombs, and throw it at that really big cop's head. Then we can run inside.
Good thinking, my little candy kiss. I always knew it would pay off to marry the high school valedictorian.

 

by Savage
6-08-05
Oh Ed! We're in trouble.
Steady on, little bro. Together we can make it through this trouble.
Ed, where is my toenail?
I think the police have bagged it as evidence against us.
Oh no! I really loved my toenail. Do you think they will ever give it back to me?
Try to remained focused on the positive side, brother dear. At least they didn't cuff us.

 

by Savage
6-09-05
Throw the stink bomb, Joe!
Okay, when it explodes, make a run for it!
Mom!
Dad!

 

by Savage
6-09-05
Officer, what is going to happen to my little boys?
We're going to bring them in, and book them.
But they're good boys! Please don't arrest them! Say...you're kinda cute. Maybe we should go talk someplace a little bit more private?

 

by Savage
6-09-05
Eight p.m. Friday
Gee Ed, wasn't that cop nice, letting us go home instead of being arrested?
Yes. It makes me kind of sorry that I taped that "Kick Me" sign to his back.
11 p.m. Friday
In tonight's news, a desperate standoff at a local fastfood restaurant...
Gosh, I wonder where honeybunch is?
Six a.m. Monday
Oh no! It's morning already? I'd better get home.

 

by Savage
6-11-05
Ed, what if dogs had their hair on the inside?
?
---------
What did you say?
I don't know. I wasn't listening.
I never wanted a brother. Why couldn't mom have given me a puppy instead?

 

by Savage
6-12-05
I'm bored. There must be more to life than this.
Look at the stars! There's a whole world out there. I should leave this dungeon, this prison of my mind. I should go outside and meet people!
I'm safe in here.

 

by Savage
6-17-05
I can't go outside, but I'm so lonely and bored.
I know! I'll call up an imaginary friend!
I can't wait to see who shows up!

 

by Savage
6-17-05
Greetings, Mistress. How may I serve you?
Oh sh--uhm, bring me a bottle of bourbon and that cute guy who mows old lady West's lawn.
Okay, and then we'll have an intellectual discussion, right?
Uhm... Yeah. Sure we will. No Jack Daniels and no shirt on the hunk, okay?
Your wish is my command, beloved creator!
Hurry!

 

by Savage
6-17-05
I have done as you asked, Mistress.
Very good. Now you must deliver these papers to this address. Go now, and don't dawdle!
The smelly waterfowl has brought me to this dank and lonely place. I demand to know why I am here!
Uhm...who are you?
I am King Grumpy, peasant girl. Say, is that Maker's Mark?
Yes. Let's drink.

 

by Savage
6-17-05
Greetings! I bring you a message from our beloved creator!
What? God is sending me mail? I thought he usually hung out in burning bushes in the desert. This one time, we were going to see Mom and Dad--
Uhm... Is there anyone else here I can talk to?
You can talk to my brother, Fred.
Hi there! Could you help me? I'm trying patch our roof and the oatmeal keeps sliding off.
Maybe I should just send the message by FedEx.

 

by Savage
6-18-05
Is there any more bourbon left, peasant girl?
Nope. You drank it all.
*****
Are you all right?
Damn. I'm gonna smack that Penguin Bob when I see him!

 

by Savage
6-19-05
Okay, back to you. I have a message. For you and your brother. From the stripwriter. I'm going to set it on the table, and leave.
Oh no! I think I stepped in the bean dip.
Ookaay...bye-bye!
Ooh! Is that the ice cream truck I hear? I want a popsicle rocket!
Of course you do. Say...you CAN read, can't you?
Of course! I do chapter books now!

 

by Savage
6-19-05
What did that funny dog want, Ed?
He was no dog, you dimwit!
Oh..... What was he, then?
Well, duh, my simple little brother. He was a turkey, of course!
Oh. Boy, I sure am lucky to have such a smart big brother!
Damn right, baby bro.

 

by Savage
6-19-05
So anyway, Ed, what did that turkey want?
He left us an important message!
Really? Who is the message from?
I'm not sure. He said it was from some stripper.
What's a stripper, Ed?
I'll tell you later, Fred. When you're older.

 

by Savage
6-19-05
So, what does the message say, Ed?
Wow...Guess what, Fred? We're going on a mission!
What does that mean, Ed?
It means go load up the flasks and pack some clean underpants. We're going on an ocean cruise!
But, I get seasick.
I'll go down to the store and buy you some club soda for your bourbon. You just start making plenty of ice.

 

by Savage
6-23-05
A quest, eh? Well, you boys will need plenty of provisions. I'll go see what I've got.
Thanks, Dad.
Well Mom, we're just about ready to go.
A quest! My little boys are all grown up! I can't watch you go. I'm afraid I'll cry.
Bye-bye, boys!
I'm hungry. I think I'll follow them.

 

by Savage
6-24-05
Gee, Ed. My backpack's getting really heavy.
Mine too. Let's stop and see what Mom and Dad packed for us.
Ooh! I 've got some Wild Turkey!
I've got some rum!
Dad remembered the gin! And the vermouth!
Hey, here's Mom's battery-operated blender, and five pounds of ice. Tequila, salt, Triple Sec, limes--hey Fred, it's Margarita time!

 

by Savage
6-26-05
How long until we get to the boat dock, Ed?
I don't know, Fred. I think we're lost.
I'd rather be drunk. Is there any bourbon left?
Only a little. Things are looking desperate.
Mom says they make tequila from cactus. There's a whole bunch of cactus out here.
For once in your life, you've had a good idea, little bro!

 

by Savage
6-27-05
Oh, I'm so tired, Ed. And I've finished all of the tequla we made from the cactus.
Stay strong, little brother. We can make it.
Okay, I'll try. How much longer until we get to the harbor?
Oh, I'm sure that we're nearly there.
Do you know where we are, Ed?
Of course I do. We are in the middle of nowhere.

 

by Savage
6-27-05
Ed, I'm hot, and I think I'm getting sunburned. I'm scared, but you're so smart, I know you'll get us out of here.
***************
Ed?
____________
Ed!
We're going to die...

 

by Savage
6-27-05
Ed? Look! It's nightime.
What? Oh, hey. It's not so hot now. Do we have anything to drink?
I found some gin in my knapsack.
Give it here.
What do we do now, Ed?
We keep on walking, Fred.

 

by Savage
6-27-05
!!!
!!!
!!!!
!!!
Look, Fred. Water!
Keep moving, little brother. I think we're going to be okay.

 

by Savage
6-27-05
Wow, Ed. Is this the ocean?
Yes, Fred. Let's go and find our ship.
I hear someone singing.
Me too.
"...the Looove Boooat..."

 

by Savage
5-14-06
Uh-Oh, Ed. We forgot about Mother's Day. We are so-o-o grounded!
Not to worry, brother of mine! We've been gone nearly a year. We'll show up, tell the story of our adventures, and Mom will be so glad to see us, she won't mind that we missed her important day!
Tell her the story of our adventures?
Yeah! She'll be so amazed, she'll forget all about anything else!
Uhm, Ed...I can't remember anything after last June.
Not to worry, Bro! We'll make it up as we go along. You just follow my lead. To Tumbleweed Junction!

 

by Savage
5-29-06
Wow, Ed, Mom's gonna really like our gifts, isn't she?
Yes indeed, Brother Fred. This bourbon is the rarest of the rare.
I decorated my gift bag with a little origami birdy.
I tied a trio of mini bottles of Everclear to the bow.
Why must you always show me up?
Sorry.

 

by Savage
5-29-06
Wow, Ed. Mom not only wasn't mad at us, she hadn't even noticed we'd been gone!
Yes, Fred, we are truly the fortunate sons.
Uhm, Ed? I just looked in the liquor cabinet, and it is empty.
Damn! We need to make some money, and fast!
How can we do that, Ed?
I know! We'll write a best-seller!

 

by Savage
5-29-06
A best seller? What's that, Ed?
It's a book, you simple one. We'll be rich!
What kind of a book, Ed?
Well, I've always wanted to write a children's book.
Ooh! You mean with fluffy little bunnies and they have adventures and stuff?
Hmm...I think I need to ponder this idea a bit. How about you fix me a pitcher of Manhattans, and leave me alone for a few hours. You can watch cartoons or something.

 

by Savage
5-29-06
Ed, I've watched all the Bugs Bunny cartoons and the Ren and Stimpy tape got stuck in the machine. I think I might have left a bacon sandwich in there last time.
That's okay, Bro. I'm ready to take a break. This writing stuff is hard work.
I wish I was smart like you!
Well, we can't all be geniuses, little brother. Make us some lunch, and then you can help me balloon-bomb old lady West while she weeds her jalapeno patch.
Oh boy! How about I make my famous liver sausage-apricot jelly sandwiches?
Uh... Actually, I'm not really hungry. Fetch the balloons and the mayonnaise. First one to hit the old bat on the noggin wins!

 

by Savage
5-29-06
Ha-Ha! That last mayo-balloon splattered all over! The old lady sure was mad!
Yes. I feel refreshed. Now it's back to work for this ink-stained scribe!
What is your children's book about, Ed?
Well, I've noticed that most youth literature today concerns itself with important issues. So I chose a universal theme, one that I have never seen discussed in children's literature before.
----
The working title is "Everyone Dies."

 

by Savage
5-30-06
The title of your book is "Everyone Dies?"
Yes, I think this is a topic that has had all too little coverage at the toddler to grade school level.
But... Death is kind of scary, Ed.
Nonsense! When kids finish reading my book, they won't be scared of anything!
I... I think I'm a little scared already, and I haven't even read it yet.
Sigh... Why don't you go and build something with your Legos. I"ve got some writing to do!

Showing page 5.

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