All comics by krandall

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by krandall
2-14-11
Dude! I had the best idea ever! The greatest idea in the history of great ideas!
What's that?
When I finally lose my virginity, I'm gonna have the victory theme from Finaly Fantasy cued up, and as soon as I bust my nut, I'm gonna hit play on the iPod!
Then I'm gonna jump off the bitch, spin around really fast, and start fist-pumping in the air, FFIII style!
Well, at least your arm will be in good shape. You're gonna be a virgin for a very, very long time.,,

 

by krandall
2-14-11
Honest, baby! I didn't mean "small"! I just meant... not as big as your dad's! No! Wait! Um... I mean... I meant- Shit!
...
Never mind what I said, just climb back up here and throw that little peck- FUCK! No! I didn't mean "little"! I meant...Oh shit...
!!!
Thus Freud's mom changed the course of psychoanalytic history forever...
Oh, shit. He's really mad.

 

by krandall
2-22-11
So you're saying, I get the inheritance, paid in full if I just spend the night in this haunted house?
Oh, it's not haunted. There are thirty-two well-hung college students up there.
Oh. And I suppose I'm supposed to sleep with them all or I don't get a dime of that money!?
Actually the college guys ARE your inheritance. There is no money. Your aunt Bess was kinda... odd.
So that's what she meant when she said she's fucking me over in her will...

 

by krandall
2-22-11
That was some plane crash. It's a miracle we're alive.
The bad news is, we're the only survivors. The worse news is we seem to be marooned here with no hope of rescue for months.
Is there any good news?
The good news is, I suck the best dick at Melvin Buckley High School. You're in for quite a treat, assuming you swing that way.
Well that got rid of the little fucker. More food for me.

 

by krandall
2-23-11
Aw, man. I gotta find a job...
Hey, baby! Wanna suck my cock?
What the fuck? No!
Aw, man. I gotta find a job...

 

by krandall
2-24-11
So I'm laying in bed last night. Just as I'm 'bout to drift off the girl in the next apartment starts yelling "Hi! Hi! Hi!" to someone. I'm like, what's this bitch's problem?
Just when I'm dozing off again, she starts yelling even louder. "HI! HI! HI!" Screaming now! I was ready to kick her door in and slap her around.
Turns out, the dude was banging this Japanese foreign exchange student who doesn't speak a word of English. Instead of punching him out, I wanted to give him a medal.

 

by krandall
3-03-11
After months of meticulous calculations and intricate engineering, Professor Daryl Melfistor finally perfects his life-long dream: the Seduce-o-tron 2000.
-ZIIIIP!-
A ray-emitting device that disables a female's critical thinking while simultaneously enhancing her pheremone receptors.
Gobble. Bob. Slurp. Stroke. Tickle. Tug...
What comes next, only time will tell...
Ooog?

 

by krandall
3-08-11
Terrorists are assholes. They should be throat-raped with a red-hot cattle prod and forced to eat their own entrails and raped by rhinos.
They should be skinned alive and thrown into a vat of vinegar. They should be tortured until they go insane and set on fire with from the inside out.
How come?
Well because they're all sick fucking bastards! That's why!

 

by krandall
3-10-11
Who!
Can it, Bee.
Now?
Hey... That would make a pretty catchy song.

 

by krandall
3-10-11
Welcome to Bed, Bath, and Beyond. My name is Cindy. Can I help you with anything?
Uh. I just got a new bedroom suite. So I need a bedspread.
Oh! A bedspread! I can help you with that! Right this way please.
Wow. 270 degrees. That really was quite the spread! You looked like an arrow.
Wait a second. Wasn't I supposed to sell the customers something?

 

by krandall
3-10-11
Hi. My name's Paul.
I'm Bruce. Nice to meet you, Paul.
So...
Yes?
Can I push your stool in for you?

 

by krandall
3-10-11
How was your first day of work, Jill?
Awesome! That cute guy from accounting said I was unfappable!
I think that means he figures I won't crack under pressure. Hee hee!
Actually, I don't think that's what it means at all.
Oh...

 

by krandall
3-20-11
I've decided once and for all, the next boy I meet who's reasonably good looking AND who's also a Justin Bieber fan like me gets my virginity.
Oh?
Yeah. I figure, we should have something in common that we're both passionate about, and for me, it's Justin Bieber.
I guess you're gonna be a virgin for the rest of your life then.
Why do you say that?
Any guy you meet that's passionate about Justin Bieber is probably not interested in vaginas.

 

by krandall
3-20-11
Well I don't wanna be a virgin forever. What am I gonna do?
Are you passionate about anything besides Justin Bieber? Maybe there's an alternate interest you and your prospective lover can share.
I also like shoes! Cute little shoes! I couldn't live without awesome shoes to wear. I also like hairstyling. Interior design is great too!
Hmmm...
Maybe I should forget about common interests and just find a guy who won't brag to all his buddies that he did me, or turn into a stalker after.
That's probably as rare as a heterosexual Justin Bieber fan.

 

by krandall
3-20-11
How about this. How about the next guy who says the phrase "Justin Bieber is alright I guess" gets my virginity. Think that'll work?
It's close enough, I spose. Just hope he at least makes it nice for you. Mine was over in like 85 seconds. It was like, half a thrill, then he was gone...
...sort of like how Justin Bieber's career will go.

 

by krandall
3-20-11
... cause, like, I'm normally into Lamb of God and Metallica and stuff like that, but you know... Justin Bieber is alright I guess.
Oh my God! He said the magic words! It's him! He's the one!
Kay, um... I don't really know what to do here. I've never done this before. Just promise you won't go bragging about this, or start stalking me.
I won't. I promise.
Oh my God, those shoes are adorable! But I don't get how you got the money to buy them. They're like $100.
Oh... well, um... I've been selling cherries on the side.

 

by krandall
3-20-11
One night, three couples were at a dinner party, trying to out-do eachother on how solid their relationships were...
Pass the sugar, sugar...
Here ya go, sweetie.
And the second man said...
Pass the honey, honey...
Sure thing, huggie-bunny...
The third man, a crotchety old war vet, sick of the bullshit, said...
Pass the tea, you whithered old cunt, before I smack you one.
Fuck you, you limp-cocked old bastard. Get it yourself!

 

by krandall
3-21-11
You children stop that. No fighting.
Come on, now. You're setting a bad example.
You want everyone in the world to think you're just a bunch of violent thugs?

 

by krandall
3-21-11
ALLAHU AKBAR!
I get my 72 virgins now.

 

by krandall
3-21-11
Yesterday morning, I accidentally gooped K-Y jelly into my hair instead of hair gel. The bottles looked almost exactly the same, and I was in a hurry.
All day long, every woman I passed suddenly flinched and tightened their backsides as soon as they smelled me nearby.
Today, just for fun, I'm gonna use semen for hair gel, sack sweat for aftershave, and vodka for cologne. Will the day be as interesting? Let's watch...

 

by krandall
3-23-11
*Mmph... slurp... bobbity... gobble...* Am I doing okay so far?

 

by krandall
3-24-11
Ah, man! I just busted a nut. What a huge relief!
What the fuck!? Excuse me!? You did WHAT?
I busted a nut. Some whacko was running around downtown bare-ass naked squirting people with a supersoaker full of giraffe piss. I made the arrest.
Oh...
Why? What did you think I meant?
Nothing. Never mind.

 

by krandall
3-24-11
Oh my God! You're such an asshole! Why are all men such assholes!? Why can't I ever meet a nice, decent, normal guy!?
I used to be a nice, decent normal guy. But then some soulless cunt tore my heart out and stomped it to crap. Now it's just easier to be an asshole.
Pffft. Sure! Blame a woman. Typical asshole man! Whatever!
Yup. Whatever. Anyway, it was nice while it lasted, baby. The oral sex was particularly good. Heh. See ya.
Hey, Beth. You wanna check out a show with me tonight? I heard you were feeling down so I thought this would cheer you up. How bout it?
Oh, Dan. You're silly. You're my friend. We can't ruin that! You understand, right? But hey, gimmie those concert tickets. I'll go with Jack, okay?

 

by krandall
3-26-11
My corporation's pollution has wiped out the planet. Instead of spending my billions to save mankind, I just built a bunker and horded my wealth.
I was in that bunker 7 years. I'm the only human being left as far as I know. My food stores are gone. There's none up here.
On the bright side, I'm still the richest man alive.

 

by krandall
4-02-11
I'm an impossibly gorgeous, super smart and successful man. You're a spinny, clumsy, drama-addled train wreck of a woman who jumps to ridiculous conclusions and does nothing but sabatage your life.
But because we both like some trivial insigficant thing, it means we're fated to be together, and I'm willing to be emotionally destroyed for the rest of my life to make your psychotic ass happy.
*sniffle* It's SOOO romantic! Maybe there's hope for me...

 

by krandall
4-02-11
I'm a devilishly handsome but rather sketchy little rogue with a shady past that you know nothing about. You're a smart, successful head strong woman who's built an enviable career in a man's world.
But because the spunky, streetwise black woman at your work told you I have a good heart deep down inside, you're willing to risk a disasterous love affair, because hey, love just might change me.
Wow! She's just like me! Except I don't have a career and I'm kind of a drama-addled train wreck who's boyfriend cheats on her left and right. But everything else is the same! It's so romantic!

 

by krandall
4-03-11
Wow. She's hot. Nice tits.
Uh huh.
Was she passed out like that when you got here, or did you bash her over the head?
She was passed out already. Why don't you scram, kid. I don't need an audience.
Scram? I'm waiting for my turn.
There's four more down by the treeline. This one's mine.

 

by krandall
4-03-11
Some whacko burns a Koran, and the religious fanatic muslims go on a rampage hunting down and slaughtering UN workers.
You notice they don't simply burn bibles out of retaliation? No. They strike back at our God where it hurts, attacking what's really sacred to him.
Human life.

 

by krandall
4-08-11
Good night, Daryl.
Actually, I'm a chaotic evil mage named Raggonoph the Immolator. Knights are limited to melee weapons. My mage knows level 40 fire spells.
Girls don't know anything.

 

by krandall
4-09-11
Women! They're all fucking whores. God damn stretched out pussies! Balonie hole bitches! Fuckin' sluts took so many big fat dicks!
You stick your cock in and you can't even feel anything! You might as well fuck a bowl of soup! Ha ha! Fucking whores. All of them!
Actually, I don't have that problem.

 

by krandall
4-12-11
So did it feel good when your boyfriend fucked you in the ass last night, or are you still sore from the ass reaming you took in on the weekend?
Hey! Fuck you, asshole! I ain't no fuckin' fag! Knock it off with the jokes, or I'll kick your fuckin' ass, bitch! God dammit!
Don't you know that if you freak out over jokes like that, it means your secretly gay?
Alright, fine! Yes! I loved the ass-reaming I took from those seventeen gay dudes at the Flaming Rainbow night club! There! Ya happy now?
If you go along with it, it means your secretly gay too. In fact, it's a pretty big fucking closet all around. Maybe you should just admit it already.
Maybe there's a secret reason why you're so desperate to convince me that I'm gay.

 

by krandall
4-16-11
Kay. This is awkward.
All I wanted was a little oral sex from this guy. Now look what happened.
Better get down to the gyno I guess.

 

by krandall
4-20-11
I don't quite know how to break this to you, Mary, but I can't see you any more.
What!? I thought we were doing so well! We finally made love last night! I thought we were taking it to the next level!
It's... it's not you. It's me.
Oh sure! That's what they all say. What is it about you that's SO bad we can't work it out!?
I'm a weak and shallow man. I can't stand the fact that your cunt smells like an unwashed armpit.

 

by krandall
5-18-11
Wow. She's definitely twelve.
What are you, nuts!? She's way older than twelve. She looks like she's in her thirties!
I didn't mean age.
You mean you think she's a twelve out of ten? Gross! Are you blind? She's all saggy and overweight. She's a five at best.
I didn't mean out of ten either. I meant how many beers I'd have to drink before I'd do her.
Oh! Well on that scale, I'd say she's a six. I'm pretty horny this week.

 

by krandall
5-18-11
Dad! What's that big long thing hanging between the elephant's legs? I asked mom and she wouldn't tell me!
That's the elephant's penis, son. All men have one.
A penis? But mom told me it was nothing! When I asked her, she said "Oh, that's nothing, Billy. Never mind that."
Son... I've spoiled that woman.

 

by krandall
8-27-11
You think you're a REAL man!? Ha!
A real man wouldn't tell a woman to wipe out her family with an ax and then vanish into thin air!

 

by krandall
8-25-13
No offense, man, but I've been from one end of this aquarium to the other a thousand times over, and I've never seen any evidence of this so called "Master Human" you believe in.
So where does our food come from then, huh? How do you explain that?
Just because food appears every day, doesn't mean that Human exists. It's just a natural phenomenon. And you're just reading too much into it because you just want to believe. Quit deceiving yourself.
Maybe you're just denying it because you DON'T want to believe. Ever think of that?
Ok. Fine. Whatever. If you can ever show me ANY evidence of this Human existing anywhere in this aquarium, I'll believe you. I'll bow down and worship right on the spot. But it's never gonna happen.
Maybe he's just invisible! He doesn't want to be seen! You just have to have faith!

 

by krandall
9-25-13
Hey! You! Get off o' my cloud!
Hey! McCloud! Get off o' my ewe!

 

by krandall
9-25-13
Here's the thing, Bill. We know you've been stealing pens from work. And we know where you're hiding them.
What!? That's ridiculous. Search my desk. Search my pockets! Search my car! I haven't stolen anything!
We'll see what the laxitives we put in your coffee have to say about that.

Showing page 5.

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