All comics by MikeyG

Profile

 

by MikeyG
3-04-04
1
For one thing, I like to fly by the seat of my panties.
2
Because I actually bathe!
3
I'm good at getting head.

 

by MikeyG
3-04-04
1
Hey, don't sweat it. You'll see at the office Christmas Party.
2
Hey! I was pretending to bore through your forehead with my eye lasers until you asked me that question!
3
Snip off all the guys' balls so they don't care about porn or office nookie.

 

by MikeyG
3-04-04
1
I'd cut down on my cubicle masturbation time by about 30%.
2
WANGS!
3
I'd change the name of 'Bring Your Daughters to Work Day' to 'R. Kelly Day'.

 

by MikeyG
3-04-04
1
State laws don't say I have to tell the people I WORK next to I've been convicted of a sex crime!
2
Whip out the ol' Tallywhacker and I'll show ya, chief.
3
I'll sabotage it so it becomes fodder for a hostile takeover by Ivytopia.

 

by MikeyG
3-05-04
Ready?
I guess.
Well?
Let me put it this way.
Last time I had any intimate contact was back in that Hanoi pit of hell.

 

by MikeyG
3-05-04
Ready?
I gues...
Well?
Let me put it this way...
ZZZZZIP!
I guess I should have told you sooner

 

by MikeyG
3-05-04
Ready?
I guess...
Well?
Let me put it this way.
...aaaaaaand?
I forgot.

 

by MikeyG
3-05-04
Ready?
I guess.
Well?
Let me put it this way...
Do you remember when the vacuum cleaner was mysteriously clogged?

 

by MikeyG
3-05-04
1
I see you begging me not to can your worthless cracker-ass.
2 (Magic 8 Ball response)
Reply Hazy, Try Again Later
3
Well, if the Space Program keeps advancing, I hope to be deep within Uranus.

 

by MikeyG
3-08-04
This is bogus, man. All I want is a damn cigarette!
I know. Smoking in public places, indoors, is outlawed almost everywhere now.
I just wish there was a way around it, you know?
There is!
Really? How?
The Café de Cancer! Everything on the menu is a carcinogen! There's ALWAYS a way around the system, man. Let's go.

 

by MikeyG
3-08-04
And then are my sperm just potential comics, impressed with miniature Asian girls? What about the Y-chromosome ones?
Kajun, did you get Wirthling stoned again?
Cunting right, tosser.
Listen, if you contend that I concede the concept of a cracked-out celestial cranium contemplating his comic continuance, it commits me to a conundrum.
Had we been talking about kittens, Brad would have just used a-litter-ation!
I've got nothing.

 

by MikeyG
3-09-04
Next, on Channel Juan News, the recent conviction of Martha Stewart. Flumpina Schnappenbooger is here with the story. Flumpina?
Thanks, Jooflum. There's a new twist in the seemingly wrapped-up Martha Stewart case today.
Yes, it seems that even though the case is closed, a NEW witness has popped up, and demands to testify.
This, however, may spark a separate trial, because the witness is claiming something completely unrelated to insider trading.
The witness, a Mr. 'Sting Kong', has claimed that Martha Stewart is really a giant, migratory flying insect that feasts on trees and destroys vegetation.
She was formerly undefeated in the Taiwanese Wrestling Association for 10 years as 'Motha Stewart'.

 

by MikeyG
3-09-04
Welcome to Channel Juan News. Here with today's top story is our senior news correspondent Jooflum O'Pisscake.
Thanks, Flumpina. Earlier this evening, we've received several reports claiming that aging hipster Ben Affleck was seen dumping a body in Manhattan's East River.
Sources report that J. Lo IS alive and well, so until NYPD divers can locate the body, they have eliminated Ms. Lopez as the victim.
Neither is it Matt Damon, whose alleged torrid gay love affair with El Affleck is rumored to have come to an unhappy end. Mr. Damon's personal enema expert confirmed earlier that he is still alive.
Nor was it Gwyneth Paltrow, or any other person believed to have been close enough to Affleck to see what a total git he is.
Hold on, Flumpina, we've got breaking news...NYC divers have found the bag allegedly dumped by Ben Affleck, and it contains...his career.

 

by MikeyG
3-09-04
Welcome back to Channel Juan News. In Entertainment today, Hollywood is honoring emoting-challenged actor Freddie Prinze Jr. with a star on the Walk of Fame.
It is rumored that Sarah Michelle Gellar purchased this star as a way to convince her hubby Mr. Prinze to stop saying 'I'm going to stake YOU, Buffy!' every time they have sex.
Yesterday in an exclusive press junket, Mr. Prinze thanked Chuck Norris, and the Chuck Norris School of Acting, for teaching him the acting methods that helped him excel.
The ceremony went off without a hitch, despite protests by Hollywood trees, who claim that Hollywood is discriminatory in hiring Mr. Prinze when they could do the job so much better.
Mr. Prinze was quoted today as saying, "Latinos everywhere will rejoice knowing that another one of their own has a star on the Walk of Fame. There are so few of us there as it is."
In related news, police have arrested Edward James Olmos, Rita Moreno, Jimmy Smits, Andy Garcia, and Antonio Banderas for the savage beating death of Freddie Prinze, Jr.

 

by MikeyG
3-10-04
Welcome to Channel Juan News. President Bush upped the threat level to Red today, and made a passionate appeal to the American people to keep their eyes open for terrorist activity.
Yes, when asked what may have sparked this threat level increase, President Bush said he was hesistant to make any accusations until all the facts are in. There's a first for everything, I suppose.
During this press conference, President Bush was asked what could have sparked the threat level being raised, Bush responded, "They dun stole mah fayv'rite suspenders!"
According to Secretary of State Powell, who also spoke during the conference, Al-Qaeda and Hezbollah operatives top the list of suspects.
The press conference was cut short, however, when President Bush opened his jacket and realized he was WEARING his favorite suspenders.
"Shucks! Never mind!", said the President, "I wuz wearin' 'em the whole durn tahm! My bad!" The nation collectively exhaled.

 

by MikeyG
3-12-04
Hey Dad? How did you get to be in the shape you're in?
Aaaah! I'm glad you asked, son. Lots of diet and exercise, and you'll look as good as me in no time.
Oh, yeah? Dad, behind you, there's a quarter!
Whuh? Oooh!
ROOOAAAARR!!! *WHUMP*
So every time you bend over and an amorous Hippopotamus charges you, that's all diet and exercise?
*groan*

 

by MikeyG
3-12-04
shit.

 

by MikeyG
3-12-04
Thanks for the warm-up.

 

by MikeyG
3-12-04
What do you want on your pizza?
Nothing. I haven't been able to eat pizza since you got a large pie with extra puppies on it last time.
Why won't you visit me anymore?
Last time I visited you I got spooked out by the conga line of children smothered in ranch dressing being lead into your kitchen.
I'm still hungry.
I guess the kindergarten you wolfed down before didn't hit the spot, huh?

 

by MikeyG
3-12-04
My stomach hurts.
Its probably the midget you swallowed.
I...uh...I...
What's the matter? Fat got your tongue?
Why do you cover your ears when I talk?
Because your voice sounds like a hippo choking on a ham sandwich.

 

by MikeyG
3-12-04
Why do you cover your ears when I talk?
I can still hear the screams from some of the undigested kindergarteners.
So I was nailin' this broad from behind, right? And then I...
I call bullshit. You have to carry a two-by-four to prop up your gut just so you can find your frenchfry dick to piss with.
When I walk down the street, girls keep admiring my pecs.
No, it's jealousy. Your tits are bigger than theirs.

 

by MikeyG
3-12-04
Man, I am soooo broke.
It's because you had to hire that Mexican day-labor crew to hose down all the folds and flaps your fat ass can't reach.
Man, I hate tying my shoes.
That's cuz you can't see what you're doing, blubberguts.
You see this spot on my shirt? What is it?
I believe it's a family of mountain goats.

 

by MikeyG
3-12-04
Check out my new American Flag pin!
Pin? Then why did I see an Astronaut land there five minutes ago and stick it in you?
The Star Trek marathon was on for three days!
That's about the same amount of time it takes for me to look from one side of you to the other.
This shirt is a bit snug.
Dude, if you lifted one of those fat rolls, I bet you'd find Jimmy Hoffa or some shit.

 

by MikeyG
3-12-04
Daddy, daddy!
Yes, son?
I love kittens!
No, no, no! We CLUB kittens! Arxfarxl, how many times do I have to tell you we're DEMONS! We...
*mew*
Aaaww! Widdwe kittikins wanna pway scwatchy scwatchy?

 

by MikeyG
3-12-04

 

by MikeyG
3-12-04
OH, GREAT MASTER OF ALL THINGS! OH HOLY POWER OF THE UNIVERSE!
IMPART UPON US YOUR GREAT WISDOM AND TEACHINGS!
Shut the fuck up! I'm trying to take a nap, asshole!

 

by MikeyG
3-17-04
Billy! Ssssh! Speak to no one about this! I've got sensitive, important news! Only you can help me with this! After I give you the task, you must complete it quickly!
O-okay, boss.
Billy, you're the only one I can trust with this information. The future of everything we know depends on your discretion. Can I count on you?
Yes, sir. You have my utmost cooperation. What is it, sir?
You're fired. Clean out your desk by 3:30 or I release the Doberman Indianburners.
Yes, sir! I'll get on it right away! You can trust me, sir!

 

by MikeyG
3-17-04
So you're letting me go? Is there anything I can do to make you guys reconsider?
Well, Mr. Fneenbf, I suppose you could bend over, spread your cheeks, and take my meat missle.
Well, I really need this job, so...I guess I'll do it, sir.
Let me pull out my cranny hunter.
ZZZZzzzzzip.....*squooorlch*
*Ow!* Hey, waitasec...I don't recognize you!
Aaaaaah. Oh, I'm here to fix the copier. But I DID hear your boss talking about firing you. Hey, tough luck, man.

 

by MikeyG
3-17-04
Son, could you come here for a minute?
I wonder what he wants..
Son, your getting older now and its about time we had a heart to heart. Is there anything on your mind?
Yes dad...where do babies come from?
All right, son, just open your mouth, close your eyes, and start licking the warm lollipop I give you. When you get to the creamy center, you'll know. Just don't bite.
Oooh, I know this game! Father O'Connell says I'm really, really good at it!

 

by MikeyG
3-17-04
Son, could you come here for a minute?
I wonder what he wants..
Son, your getting older now and its about time we had a heart to heart. Is there anything on your mind?
Yes dad...where do babies come from?
Well, son, babies come from a magic land and are carried here by special magic storks who drop babies in their cribs.
Then what happens when you fuck some skank-ass trick without a jimmy hat?

 

by MikeyG
3-17-04
Son, could you come here for a minute?
I wonder what he wants..
Son, your getting older now and its about time we had a heart to heart. Is there anything on your mind?
Yes dad...where do babies come from?
Three hours later...
...and THAT'S when that filthy bitch CLAWED my poor, unsuspecting heart out and used a LAWNMOWER on the fucker and...
Dad, I just decided I'm gay.

 

by MikeyG
3-18-04
Suffers random caps outbreaks. I pray for him.
THANK you KIndlY for yOur praYERs and coNSIDERatIoN.
salt lick
Does that mean I'm kinda bitter to the tongue and only horses really like me?
Re:CC235: Was robbed worse than Al Gore in Florida
I wasn't robbed, man. Yeah, and George W. Bush won the presidency fair and square.

 

by MikeyG
3-18-04
Only 3 stars? Highly underrated. (UE)
It could be worse. I could be possums.
Tries too hard
I know. It's kinda like when you KNOW you've got to take a crap, and you sit on the bowl and you push and push and push and all you get is a teensy little hamster nugget.
Makes me tingle all over (even on my wee-wee)
I can only assume (and hope against hope) that this was boinky.

 

by MikeyG
3-18-04
'Closer' sung by Asian girls won u 5* (gk)
If by '5' you mean 'at least 5 cocks in my ass daily', then I understand.
Have a fourth star on me (TG)
If by 'fourth star' you mean bukkake, I'm IN!
Two Words....Lump, Bowtie....
Um...I can assume only that you're talking about my Thyroid gland. Why? I have absofuckinglutely no idea.

 

by MikeyG
3-19-04
Son, could you come here for a minute?
I wonder what he wants...
Son, you're getting older now, it's about time we had a heart to heart. Is there anything on your mind?
Yes dad...where do babies come from?
"Son, why don't we ask them..."
I'm from Detroit, bitch. Word life.
I'm from ya mutha's ass, yo. Word is bond.

 

by MikeyG
3-22-04
All right, Wilford, I'll dance with you, but you've just got to be careful with this growth I've got hanging out of my side.
It would be a lot easier, Ethel, if it wasn't dragging on the...OOP!
*SPLORCH!*
Auuuuuuuggggh! You popped it! Fading, fading fast...
I didn't mean to, Ethel! No, don't leave me! Nooooooooooo!
And thus ends the short life of the Colostomybagasaurus.
It's a good thing I've got Alzheimertops' Disease, or I'd feel real guilty about this tomorrow.

 

by MikeyG
3-23-04
1 Win
I'm glad I crapped in the right team's shoes!
2 Lose
We would have won if I wasn't picturing you naked the whole game.
3 Draw
We can only play 'Me and You' so many times before it gets old.

 

by MikeyG
3-23-04
1 Lose
I did what to who now?
2 Win
I'm glad God has time to take an interest in Baseball. Thanks, God.
3 Lose
I guess I shouldn't have said "If I lose, I'll shave the reporter's ass with my teeth".

 

by MikeyG
3-23-04
1 Win
How'd I do it? A big cock, baby. All it takes is a big cock.
2 Win/Lose
I owe it all to the mighty undying spirit of Pete Rose.
3 Lose
Our coach is a faggot.

 

by MikeyG
3-23-04
1 Win
You just gotta treat Shuffleboard as a contact sport.
2 Win
You'd be amazed at what really bad eczema can do for a wide receiver.
3 Win
My secret is the aborted fetus shakes I make every morning.

 

by MikeyG
3-23-04
Holy crap! It's a scary alien! AAGGHH!
Take me to your leader.
Why? What do you aliens want from us humans?
You know what we want...
20 for a handie, 40 for a hummer, and 100 bucks for in the butt.
I'm glad I went to the ATM.

 

by MikeyG
3-23-04
Holy crap! It's a scary alien! AAGGHH!
Take me to your leader.
Why? What do you aliens want from us humans?
You know what we want...
If you don't thay man-ath I'm gonna be THO dithappointed!
Don't be thilly, Bruthe, of COURTHE I wath gonna thay man-ath!

 

by MikeyG
3-23-04
Holy crap! It's a scary alien! AAGGHH!
Take me to your leader.
Why? What do you aliens want from us humans?
You know what we want...
Okay, but I only have time for one game of Grabass before dinner.
That's cool as long as I get to be grabee.

 

by MikeyG
3-24-04
Mikey, it's about time I came clean with you. Remember that summer by the lake, when you skinned your knee?
D-daddy?
Actually, no, you arsing cunt sausage.
Oh. M-mommy?
No, you tart. Christ, now I remember why I left in the first place.
J-Jesus?

 

by MikeyG
3-25-04
Titties McGee on a nature hike
Ooooh! My head is so woozy from that hangover!
I'm God! Like, I am SOOOO God! SHE BEATS ME! Who am I?
Oh, man, I have no idea where I am! Who the fuck are YOU?
It just won't work! I've dated men, I swear! I'M GOD, Medammit! Hello?
Holy shit. You're Anne Heche, aren't you?
I hope my agent knows I'm bringing everyone back to Heaven with me.

 

by MikeyG
3-25-04
Man, I'm so glad I got away from that crazy actress...
Please...my name is Elizabeth...I don't think anyone knows where I am...
Uh...
I think my ex-husband hired someone to kill me...I'm lost! Where am I?
Let me guess. Margot Kidder, right?
Who is he, really? He kissed me and I forgot!

 

by MikeyG
3-25-04
Welcome, motherfuckers, to the Eighth Annual Crazy Bitch Convention! I'm your host, you fucking assholes, Shannon Fucking Doherty! Introduce yourselves and fuck off!
Ah'm Whitney Houston. Bobby! Git yo' ass ovah here wit' dat weed! Oh, uh...I ain't got no weed.
I'm Courtney Love. Totally. You like my new cheekbones? My new lips? My new earlobe implants? Like, I'm totally responsible and stuff.
I'm Rosie O'Donnell. Besides eating Cambodian children, I shop at K-Mart. But I don't buy their guns, because them and anyone who sells them are evil.
Is all this really happening or am I just going crazy and hallucinating it all? Well, if it's the latter, I've come to the right place!
Hi! I'm Lara Flynn Boyle! Does anyone have any food I can avoid?

 

by MikeyG
3-26-04
Every day is so fucking gay, suddenly I have to pee. Now and then I feel like Demi Moore, I piss in shame, 'cuz I'm to blame. My pants are really full, no matter what they say.
Bird can't sling my brown, oh no no no no. Oh, my pants are full, in every single way, and turds won't sting my brown, oh no whoa whoa whoa oh. So don't you sting my brown today.
To all the men, you've got fairy dust, so zooma zoom, in your boom boom. Being a tard is such wimpiness, my neice's dong, nuzzle my schlong. That be the way it is.
My pants are really full, and DragonXero's gay, and turds won't sting his brown, no no no whoaohwhoa. That's a load of bull, and I just sparked a Jay, and nerds won't ring my mound,
Nerds won't ring my mound today. No matter who's a Jew, no matter what they pay, when my bum is shiny, too, and my farts are loud and gay.
(Worms taste remarkably like soil.)

 

by MikeyG
3-29-04
Hey, man, it's okay. Forrest Gump didn't have sideburns either.

 

by MikeyG
3-29-04
Nice flannel, Cobain.

Showing page 6.

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