All comics by biped

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by biped
5-17-04
Darn it, I've got to write some better songs. Something besides clowns and beanstalks.
Why not write a song about picking your nose and eating the boogers, Greg?
"Oh, I'm knuckle-deep, baby that's the trick... diggin' this righteous-ass nose-pick..."
"I'm pickin' 'em out and scarfin' 'em down...come with me, baby, to Boogertown!"
Hmm...boogers. That's something that hasn't been done to death.
Yeah, and we can pick our noses and eat the boogers while we're singing about it!

 

by biped
5-17-04
Marcia, you know that musical group that you and I and the rest of us kids are in?
Sure, Greg! I think it's really groovy! ("It's a sunshine daaay...")
Yeah, that's the kind of junk I'm talking about. Don't you think that we sorta...you know...suck?
"Suck"? You mean like, popsicles? Or lollypops? Or those long, hard Slo-Poke bars that you can suck on all day?
Greg? Are you going to be in the bathroom much longer? Greg?

 

by biped
5-17-04
Guys, Bobby has come up with a great new idea. From now on, we're going to sing about eating boogers.
EWWWW!!! Are you out of your MIND!!! GROSS!!!
It's my hair, isn't it? It's not as pretty as Marcia's hair -- that's what you think is ruining the group, isn't it, Greg? ISN'T IT?
I think it's a *NEE* -- *NEEE* -- neat-o idea, Greg! Sorry, my voice is changing again!
Me and Greg have already written eleven new songs about picking our boogers and eating them!
Gee, that'th thwell! And I jutht made pee-pee in my pant'th!

 

by biped
5-17-04
AND NOW...the CHICK CHALMERS SHOW presents...THE BOOGER-EATIN' BRADYS!
HEY, everybody, let's GO! One, two, three, four --
Boogerth, boogerth, boogerth! They're fun to eat!
Sock 'em to me, Hazel! They're a nasal treat!
Hi, everybody! My name is PE-EE-ETE!
They're more fun to eat than lickin' Alice's feet!

 

by biped
5-17-04
They're -- OMIGOD -- GAG!!! -- better tasting than filet mignon!
I pick my nose and eat the boogers with...with my PANTIES on? OH, GREG -- BARF!!!
A booger thandwich with muthtard ith tho great!
I eat my boogers while I mas-tur-bate!
Hi, everybody! My name is PE-EE-ETE!
They're more fun to eat than beatin' Sam the butcher's meat!

 

by biped
5-17-04
PICK... BOOGERS... EAT... MASTURBATE... PANTIES...!
Mr. Brady! Mrs. Brady! I think you should hear this!
Oh, those wacky kids today. They seem to have a language all their own. Huh, Mrs. Brady?
But you know what, Mr. Brady? We "old fogeys" have OUR own language, too. The language...of LOVE.
Oh, Mike...OH, MIKE...THERE! No, wait...THERE!
Carol...you know that sampler you were needle-pointing earlier? I think it's blocking me.

 

by biped
5-17-04
Uh oh, plane's going down. Luckily, I have this parachute. Think I'll step out.
Oh no, it didn't open. I'm doomed! Wait, what's that below me? I'm saved!
Man lodged in Rosie O'Donnell's asshole. Details at ten.

 

by biped
5-18-04
Hey look, everybody! Gramps is so fucking old that he's falling apart! HA, HA!
TEE HEE! He's like a dumb old circus donkey that has to be taken out and shot in the head! GIGGLE!
Laugh all you want, you insolent young pups. The day'll come when you get old and decrepit, too.
Yeah, but YOU FIRST, you rickety old BASTARD!

 

by biped
5-18-04
I will suck you for five dollars.
I will love you for a long time.

 

by biped
5-19-04
Kosher
I'd like a bacon cheeseburger and a milkshake, please!
OY GEVALT!
Korean
I just found "Lucky"s dog tags in my pulgoki.
Ooo, you win plize! Flee dish gimbap!
Mexican
Is the restroom sanitary?
Si, that is where we store our beef.

 

by biped
5-19-04
Psssst! Hey!
Huh?
Wanna see some porn? I'll unscramble it for you.
Sure! But what do I have to do in return?
Stick the remote control up your ass.

 

by biped
5-19-04
They call us the Grab-Tastics! Because we grab people in their tastics!
And we never let go -- even if you cut our heads off!
We're the world-famous Grabtastics. We grab people and force them to do gymnastics.
Yeah! And if you're not careful, the pommel horse will rip your fucking testicles off!
Howdy. I'm Ed Grabtastic, and this is my wife, Helen Grabtastic.
Together, we're known in these here parts as the Grabtastics.

 

by biped
5-19-04
WELCOME to the "DIG YOUR OWN GRAVE" show! And now, meet our first contestant!
I'm not sure I'm clear on the rules...what happens again?
Well, sir -- basically -- you dig your own grave, and then we shoot you in the back of the head and bury you.
But...but that's awful. Why would they put on a show like this?
Well, it does sell mouthwash and deodorant, sir. And, the kids seem to like it.
Are there any fabulous parting gifts for my next of kin?

 

by biped
5-20-04
What about Colin Clive as Glendon with Lugosi as Yogami?
Now that sounds interesting. I'll bet Clive and Lugosi would have made a great pairing.
But I'd still hate to give up that certain look that Hull had as the werewolf.
I don't think Karloff would have made a very good werewolf.
The treatment they were given was inexcusable. One dies in poverty, the other looking for his friends. How SAD.
Well, that and the fact that Lugosi couldn't act, barely spoke English, was a dirty old man, and appeared in the worst movies ever made.

 

by biped
5-20-04
Uh oh, plane's going down. Luckily, I have this parachute. Think I'll step out.
Oh no, it didn't open. I'm doomed! Wait, what's that below me? I'm saved!
Painful anal probes? No problem!

 

by biped
5-20-04
Look at THIS'N, daddy!
NAW, now you go put that'n back! You kids done got y'all one fer tonight, and if you ain't careful you ain't gittin' one A-TALL!
Now ma'am, you DO know that "Rumble Fish" is in black-and-white, right?
OH! Well, I don't want to see it, then.
Hey dad, "Edward Scissorhands"!
WHUT? Boy, that stuff ain't even REAL! Now go git "Kingergarten Cop" like I done tole you!

 

by biped
5-21-04
Fellow Wal-Mart shoppers who feel the need to fart copiously will do so while walking nonchalantly down the aisles.
Hmm-hmm-mmm...doo dee doo...
GAAAAAA!
Thus leaving a trail of noxious fart fumes while conveniently distancing themselves from the evidence at the same time.
OH, MY GOMPERS!
IT'S LIKE DEATH!
And if you wait for someone to move so you can look at the shelf they're looking at, you discover that they too have just farted.
And now to check out that new DVDEEEE-EEEEEYAAAA!!!
Doot dee doo...

 

by biped
5-22-04
I'm Frankenhorse! I was stitched together from dead horse bodies, and then brought back to life!
You dummy! You weren't brought back to life! You've always been alive!
But I thought the doctor said I was born dead!
No! He said you were "brain-dead!"

 

by biped
5-22-04
I think you're the coolest girl in school, Debbie. So I'm popping the question. Will you...go steady with me?
No, Biff. It seems you're...lacking something. Something that the other boys have, and you don't.
"Lacking something"? But I have a penis, Debbie. Honest.
Oh, ICK! Not a "penis", you PERVERT...I'm talking about a colostomy bag.
COLOSTOMY BAG?
It's the newest thing. All the popular kids have them now. DUH.

 

by biped
5-22-04
Dr. Matthews, I want a colostomy bag.
But you don't need one, my boy. To perform such an operation would be pointless and unethical.
You give me a colostomy bag right now, Dr. Matthews, or I swear I'll kill myself.
Well, all right. If you're that desperate.
In fact, to prove my devotion to Debbie, now I want two colostomy bags.
Goodness! She's a "two-bagger", eh?

 

by biped
5-22-04
Oh, it's you, Biff. I thought we discussed this already.
Notice something different about me, Debbie? My...bulge?
Oh, BIFF! You got "BAGGED!" And for ME...how ROMANTIC!
So, I guess you'll go steady with me now, huh?
No, Biff... I made up that "colostomy bag" stuff just to get rid of you. I never dreamed you'd be stupid enough to get one.
YEAH, and I got TWO of them so that you'd REALLY be... uhh... what was that last thing you said?

 

by biped
5-22-04
Mom, I got two colostomy bags to impress Debbie, and she still won't go out with me.
Oh...well...I guess a box of candy would be a pretty lame suggestion, then...
Son, this goes beyond teenage stupidity. I'm afraid you're what my generation would call a real "grade-A dumbass."
Thanks, Dad.
Wow! You mean you don't ever have to go to the bathroom anymore?
Yeah, heh... pretty cool, huh...

 

by biped
5-22-04
Hey, mom! I want a colostomy bag like Biff!
Oh, dear...
Hey, have you got your colostomy bag yet?
I sure do! Everybody's getting "Biffed"! It's the coolest fad ever!
Biff, you're the hero of the whole elementary school!
I am? Do you think any of the girls in your class would... like... go out with me?

 

by biped
5-22-04
Thanks for coming to the prom with me, Sally.
It'th an honor to be theen with the legendary "Two-Bagth Biff"!
Oh, Debbie...it's you.
I guess I'm not good enough for you anymore, is that it, Biff? Because I'm not..."bagged"?
I'm over you now, Debbie. Thanks to my colostomy bags... I've outgrown you.
Oh, the irony! To be DUMPED -- like a HUMAN COLOSTOMY BAG!

 

by biped
5-22-04
...in entertainment news, famous hunk Biff "Two-Bags" McGurk has just been signed to take over the role of James Bond.
"Bond...James 'Two-Bags' Bond."
While in other news, Debbie "The Human Colostomy Bag" Schwartz has once again been named "Most Revolting Circus Geek of the Year."
"Whoops, I'm full again! Better empty myself! BLEECCHH!"
Your mother and I are proud of you, son. We're both getting colostomy bags.
Sally and I are getting married, Dad. If it's okay, we'd like to live in the basement.

 

by biped
5-23-04
Airplanes.
Poop!

 

by biped
5-23-04
This ariplanes is too crashed?
I are not on ailpranes.
You have on airpalsen?
I get on two ainprales.
You am dead? I are not alive.
I are not in two apersline!

 

by biped
5-24-04
Cathy, did you anesthetize the patient?
I sure did!
Good! I hope you didn't have any trouble with the injection.
Nope! It went right up his butt!
HIS BUTT? OH, NO!
But you said it was an analgesic!

 

by biped
5-24-04
Cathy, did you see that big bag that was lying here?
Yep! I was tidying up, so I got rid of it for you!
Got rid of it? Where?
Oh, I tossed it in the trash compactor!
TRASH COMPACTOR? BUT IT WAS FILLED WITH GRENADES!
OH! I guess that's why the building blew up!

 

by biped
5-24-04
Didn't you see the "Yield" sign, ma'am?
Yes, but I don't understand Swedish!
No, ma'am -- "yield" means you're approaching a right-of-way thoroughfare.
I am? You mean right now?
No, no -- when you were in your car.
But it's not my car!

 

by biped
5-24-04
Cathy, have you seen the new hymnals?
I don't know! What's a "hymnal"?
They're the books that contain our songs of worship.
Oh! Well, I still don't know!
You don't know if you've seen them?
No, I don't know if they were hymnals or hernals! How do you tell them apart?

 

by biped
5-24-04
Cathy, have the new burkhas arrived yet?
Yes, but they looked awful! So I altered them!
"Altered" them? In what way?
Well, I figured the ladies would want to show off their stockings and high heels, so I turned them into mini-skirts!
MINI-SKIRTS? Oh, this is dreadfully unacceptable.
Don't worry! I used the leftover material to make bikinis!

 

by biped
5-24-04
Cathy, I'm afraid I forgot to bring "protection."
That's okay! I have some!
You do? What kind?
Oh, I always keep a can of pepper-spray in my purse!
No, no...I meant protection for my penis.
OH! You mean like a little toy gun or something?

 

by biped
5-25-04
Ouch, I think she's actually hurt.
Ooh, yes Bob, that looked like a nasty fall.
Anyway, onto a different matter. If we believe the prophets of disaster our world could soon end due to global warming or a meteor strike.
And if this topic turns out to be true they may be right. We now go live to our reporter who's on the scene of a very interesting new find.
Well, Sally, your shit-for-brains fuckface incompetence fucked up another entire motherfucking segment.
Oh, shut the cocksucking motherfuck up, you dog-humping, jizz-dribbling fag asshole.

 

by biped
5-25-04
Swedish
Today's special -- free blowjob with every meal.
Can I substitute that for a couple of extra meatballs?
Mexican
Will there be anything else, senorita?
Yes -- please make sure that the fat, sweaty guy in the kitchen handles all of my food.
Chinese
My chow mein has roaches in it.
Dose not roach -- dose Mandarin jumping chestnut.

 

by biped
5-25-04
Oh, I love to cut farts -- it's the finest of arts --
And my farts smell like something just died!
And as Socrates stated, once your shorts are inflated --
-- then your farts can be spread far and wide!
So, F-A-R-T -- deedle-dee-dee -- farty fart-fart, yes indeed.
It's a beautiful thing, when your pooties take wing-- and they cause people's noses to bleed!

 

by biped
5-25-04
One day, in a lurch, I was farting in church, till the horrible smell reached the pulpit...
...and the preacher passed out, and the choir ran about, so they wouldn't continue to gulp it!
But when farting in school, I remember the rule, that it has to be stealthy and quiet...
...so the kids can still study, while I'm blowing my butty, till the smell starts a panic-filled riot!
So, F-A-R-T -- deedle-dee-dee -- farting is good for your system.
Just lock the front door, and cut farts by the score, till you're sure everybody has whiffed 'em!

 

by biped
5-25-04
Now just one thing more -- if you fart in a store -- make sure that you're walking around...
It distributes the smell, from aisle A to aisle L, and the culprit can never be found!
So rip 'em and blast 'em, no smell can outlast 'em, if you've eaten the right kind of foods...
And a word to the wise -- chicks are smaller in size -- but their farts can be worse than a dude's!
So, F-A-R-T -- deedle-dee-dee -- make it sound like you've stepped on a toad.
Pass some gas at your friends, till their sanity ends, and they feel like their heads will explode!

 

by biped
5-25-04
Ouch, I think she's actually hurt.
Ooh, yes Bob, that looked like a nasty fall.
Anyway, onto a different matter. If we believe the prophets of disaster our world could soon end due to global warming or a meteor strike.
And if this topic turns out to be true they may be right. We now go live to our reporter who's on the scene of a very interesting new find.
Sally, Chip Dorfman here reporting live, bringing you a story that will --
Don't have a cow, man!

 

by biped
5-25-04
Ouch, I think she's actually hurt.
Ooh, yes Bob, that looked like a nasty fall.
Anyway, onto a different matter. If we believe the prophets of disaster our world could soon end due to global warming or a meteor strike.
And if this topic turns out to be true they may be right. We now go live to our reporter who's on the scene of a very interesting new find.
Don't have a cow, man!
Don't have a cow, man!

 

by biped
5-25-04
Ouch, I think she's actually hurt.
Ooh, yes Bob, that looked like a nasty fall.
Anyway, onto a different matter. If we believe the prophets of disaster our world could soon end due to global warming or a meteor strike.
Don't have a cow, man!
And if this topic turns out to be true they -- what the fuck?

 

by biped
5-25-04
Hey Justin, I just found this dope new track that we can lay down for our fly new CD, Holmes!
Yo, dis shizzle is whizzle, my dizzle! Where the fizzle did you find dis Weinerschnizzel?
You're not gonna believe it, but this non-stop-hip, tip-top new hip-hop pop hit came out of Hitler's ass!
HITLER'S ASS? For rizzle, mah dizzle? Wut up wit dat, yo?
Werd! He just ate a CD player and a dictionary, and shit a hit tune!
DAMN, Lance my man! This puts the "hizzle" in "Hizztler's assizzle"!

 

by biped
5-26-04
GRRRR!!! RAAAR!!!
HELP! FRANKENSTEIN'S AFTER ME! HEELLP!!!
You know, you could run a lot faster if you'd lose some weight. You've really let yourself go, tubby.
WOW! You really put the "Frank" in "Frankenstein"!

 

by biped
5-26-04
GRRRR!!! RAAAR!!!
HELP! FRANKENSTEIN'S AFTER ME! HEELLP!!!
Yeah, and not only that -- but I think Rush Limbaugh is a big, fat idiot.
WOW! You really put the "Franken" in "Frankenstein"!

 

by biped
5-26-04
I've had gay sex with Frankenstein over a hundred times.
WOW! You really put the "Frank" in "Frankenstein"!

 

by biped
5-26-04
Welcome. I'm-a hope you enjoy our-a new pizza parlor.
I'm sure I will. My name's Ralph -- what's yours?
My name-a Pete Farelli. My partner's name-a Pete Venitucci.
And-a now...da punch-a line.
WOW! You guys really put the "Pete's" in "pizza"!

 

by biped
5-26-04
Atsa-matta you? You no like-a da pizza?
My sausage pizza has little bits of metal in it.
Sure. I cut up-a de pig myself. Hacksaw's a-no good -- it come apart.
Here come another punch-a line. Wait for it...
Oh. Well, it looks like you really put the "saw" in "sausage."

 

by biped
5-26-04
Hey lady, you look like-a something bothering-a you.
Well, my linguini tasted awfully funny.
I make it-a fresh today myself. You no like, you can-a get outta my place.
Why...that's not a very nice thing to say.
It's-a okay, I'm-a just set-a you up for another punch-a line.
Well, young man, it certainly seems as though you put the "weenie" in "linguini."

 

by biped
5-27-04
Aw...Meg Ryan's kissing Tom Hanks.
SUCK HIS DICK, BITCH!
Did you release the poisonous snakes yet?
Yeah! They're good 'n' hungry, too!
Oh, look...Vin Diesel just caught the bad guy.
SUCK HIS DICK, BITCH!

 

by biped
5-27-04
Uh-oh...my diarrhea's acting up again.
Just go in the seat! This is the best part!
The lady next to me went for popcorn. So I pooped in her seat.
Cool! Can't wait to watch her sit in it!
Oops...I dropped my jar of fire ants, and it broke.
Did'ja hear that, everybody? FIRE ANTS!

Showing page 6.

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