All comics by andydougan

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by andydougan
5-09-02
Okay, bye for now, bear and horse. Remember - if anyone heard about this, it could ruin me. So today never happened!
You get the glue and scissors, I'll get the magazines and envelopes.
On it.

 

by andydougan
5-09-02
How much should we demand? Ten billion?
He's got to be worth a lot more than that. Ask for twenty.
Christ knows why they pay him so much, though. "Putting the bear claw in the honey pot". What an idiot.
I dunno. He was all right in "LA Confidential".
Is that the one where he plays the muscular thug who frowns a lot?
No, I think that was "The Sum of Us".

 

by andydougan
5-09-02
Next day, chez Crowe
I threw out all your fan mail as requested, sir. But there was a letter marked "urgent" with the post today.
Okay, Jeeves, let's hear it.
*ahem* "We know what you did, you sick son of a bitch. Send $20 billion to this address or the whole world finds out what a fucking pervert you are."
Shall I hire the customary assassin, sir?
Yeah, and make sure he buries the hands and teeth properly. I don't want a repeat of last time.

 

by andydougan
5-09-02
What will you spend your half on, then? I'm going to head out to a tax haven somewhere, buy up some sex slaves from the Orient, and live out the rest of my days in repugnant decadence.
I thought I could use mine to feed and clothe the needy.
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

 

by andydougan
5-09-02
Or maybe I'll just hire some mercenaries and invade a developing country. Those I didn't slaughter could be my servants.
Well, this money means I can at last provide for my family. Sheila's pregnant again.
In fact, if it's a boy, we were thinking of calling him "Bear".
Really? Wow! I...I don't know what to say!
Or if it's a girl, come to think of it.

 

by andydougan
5-09-02
Well, whatever we do with the money, one thing's for sure: we're set for life.
Yep, pretty soon we'll be lying in the lap of luxury with all our worries at an end!
So it all went without a hitch?
Apart from a very predictable joke, completely.

 

by andydougan
5-09-02
You disposed of the hands and teeth properly, I hope?
No worries. I put them in the one place no one would ever look.
Why does my "Proof of Life" DVD box have blood coming out of it?
Who cares?

 

by andydougan
5-20-02
Those Liberal Democrats, boy! I feel so strongly about them!
Oh, it's no good.

 

by andydougan
5-20-02
The Daily Record
Neds have defaced the statue of Donald Dewar!
They bent the glasses a bit.
How low will mankind stoop? First they dump torsos in the Leven, then they sell heroin to kids, and now this! It just gets worse and worse! And it's the taxpayer who will have to pay for it!
The taxpayer has to pay to repair our propaganda piece?
Now you're getting the hang of it! This Labour Party business isn't so difficult, eh?

 

by andydougan
5-20-02
Iain Duncan Smith, Conservative leader, and Phil Gallie, Con MSP
Is there any chance at all that we can sucker the Scotch into voting for us, or should we just stop wasting our time?
Well, it's not like we have anything else to do. But fear not! I have a cunning plan.
The other day, I heard about some guy called "William Wallace". Apparently the Scotch quite like him. I thought we could start pretending we like him too. It'd make us look like we're one of them.
Couldn't we just extoll the virtues of our Party?
Yes, Iain. Because we're such a great Party. *rolls eyes*

 

by andydougan
5-20-02
Ahem. "If William Wallace were alive today, he'd definitely be a unionist!" There, does that sound convincing?
About as convincing as ridiculously speculative hypothesis can.
Brilliant!
Maybe you should also say that he'd be a Tory...
Yeah, I tried, but I couldn't get through it for giggling.

 

by andydougan
5-20-02
Phil Gallie on the campaign trail
Greetings, Scotch voter! We Conservatives have demanded a retrospective pardon for William Wallace! I trust we can rely on your support in the election next year?
You really are a pathetic excuse for a human being.
Well, that's the most promising response all day. I'll put him down as a "maybe".

 

by andydougan
5-20-02
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Ah...ah...aaaaaaaah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

 

by andydougan
5-23-02
Five in the seats and ten in the ashtray!
Ha ha ha! That's sick! ...uh oh.
What's wrong? Hey...
Yeah, there seems to be some kind of PHP problem. All our apostrophes are preceded by slashes. We will have to avoid using contractions.
And third person possessives. I fear this will bugger up the comics belonging to andydougan, do you not?
It is going to be a long week...

 

by andydougan
5-23-02
Monarchism
The Queen visits Glasgow today. She's the linchpin of the multiverse.
I agree. I'm off to get my Union Jack.
Republicanism
We should throw spontaneous parties in her honour and ignore what the government's doing.
I disagree. I'm off get my petrol bombs.
Scottish Nationalism
By paying people for being born, we enrich ourselves.
I disagree but pretend to agree. I'm off to get my lubricant.

 

by andydougan
5-24-02
Curses. The apostrophe bug's been fixed.
Why curses?
Now comic 68960 won't make any sense.
I wouldn't worry. I don't expect anyone's going to read it anyway.
Shame. It was really funny, too.

 

by andydougan
5-26-02
General Musharraf! Those Indians are getting ideas above their caste! What's to do?
Well, I'd suggest war, but the fact is we Muslims don't seem to be very good at it.
You mean like how when we were all arrayed against Israel, they still wiped the floor with us? Or how nearly two hundred thousand Iraqi soldiers couldn't kill even one American?
Yeah. When it comes to war, we're Allah loada Shi'ite. Of the two sides, we're likely to be the Mohammed!
More hammered, see? Moham...Mo...I'll get my coat.

 

by andydougan
5-26-02
You know what I like about watching parachutists on TV? It's when they pull the string, and the parachute comes out, and they go up for a few seconds.
Ha ha! You stupid musclebound twit. They don't go up at all. They just slow down and the camera overtakes them.
She took it up the arse and begged for more.
What? Who?

 

by andydougan
5-26-02
Who do you think would win in a fight between the massed military might of the Islamic world, and your grandmother?
Is my grandmother allowed a gun?
No.
That makes it a little harder to predict.
I'm not looking forward to this year's fatwah list...

 

by andydougan
5-29-02
Iain Duncan Smith, Conservative leader, and David Davis, his aide-de-camp
Stephen Byers has finally resigned! Yippee!
What? Aw, no.
Huh? I thought we wanted rid of him.
No! He was making the government look bad! He was doing our work for us! This is a calamity!
Oh yeah. Shit.
Look, baldie, I'm not hanging around with you because you're a fun guy. Pull your socks up so I can be Prime Minister in 2010!

 

by andydougan
5-29-02
Byers' resignation
If I tell a lie, may the trains start running on time!
Hey, the trains are suddenly running on time!
I should probably have tried this sooner.
Oh, no, wait, they all just crashed.

 

by andydougan
6-02-02
So let's see this trick of yours.
Okay...here we go:
No probs, Pakistan! We'll train your boys up to India-whoopin' standards! Praise Allah!
Glad to help, India! We'll upgrade your jets to nuclear capability! Hail Shiva!
Amazing! How do you do it?
Years of practice, my friend.

 

by andydougan
6-02-02
Know any good jokes?
Our ethical foreign policy?
Ha ha ha! Stop! You're killing me!
Join the club!

 

by andydougan
6-04-02
Jennie Bond is on the scene.
Sheep gather to look at a betty in the distance!
People wave around pieces of paper with symbolic colours on them!!!
Elton John, Phil Collins, Will Young and other similar vermin sing really bad songs for a bored monarch!!!!!
Oh, and four people are killed in Ulster to mark the jubilee. Anyway, back to the news!!!!!!!

 

by andydougan
6-04-02
Prince William at the jubilee "pop concert"
Lads 'n' lasses...the hilarious Mr Lenny Henry!
My mind may be clouded by centuries of inbreeding, but even I can see that this is crap.
Hi folks! Isn't the Queen a funny old lady? Here's a really harmless joke about her!
Being given millions a year for doing nothing is not worth this.
Ha ha! Not bad for a darkie man, was he? Now, put your hands together for the legendary Generic Boys Who Dance!
It's times like this I wish everyone knew I was Hewitt's son.

 

by andydougan
6-04-02
And now, a grotesque, lumbering mockery of what used to be Tom Jones!
Agh.
Psst! Harry! This is almost as shite as our mother's funeral. I'm going to sneak out and score some coke. Coming?
Okay. Being here is making me uneasy, anyway. I'm sure we're a ripe target for the Real IRA.
*cough* schx bchm...schx bchm...ychre a schx... *choke* *collapse*
Please let it be.

 

by andydougan
6-07-02
One day at the ranch...
So I says, "Well, them rotor turbines ain't gonna generate gravitons by themselves!"
Ha, ha!
What the fuck are you?
An oddly attired man.

 

by andydougan
6-07-02
Next day at the ranch...
So I says, "Well, them rotor turbines ain't gonna generate gravitons by themselves!"
Ha, ha!
What the fuck are you talking?
Bollocks.

 

by andydougan
6-07-02
Last day at the ranch...
So I says, "Well, them turbine rotors ain't gonna gravitate generations by themselves!"
Ha, ha!
What the fuck are you about?
Talking bollocks while being oddly attired.

 

by andydougan
6-07-02
What the fuck was that all about?

 

by andydougan
6-09-02
The Evening Times editor
The Jubilee was the most miserable orgy of toadying and sycophancy I've ever seen, and my TV review will say so!
Ahem. Have you seen the unemployment statistics among journalists recently?
I used to be a cynical republican, but after the nailbiting sight of Her Majedty walking down the street, I've been won over! Hail to the Firm!
Heh heh! I deliberately mistyped "Majesty"! That's one in the eye for the establishment!

 

by andydougan
6-09-02
Funny how Princess Margaret and the Queen Mother both died just months before the Jubilee, which was previously expected to be a complete flop.
What are you implying?
Just that it seems quite a coincidence. The Queen Mother hangs on all these years, then just so happens to snuff it at the most convenient time of all? Whatever.
You lefties are just miffed that it was such a success. Why, the attendance at the Socialist Party's anti-monarchist festival was just a tenth of that at the official Jubilee one!
With a millionth of the advertising.
You overestimate the importance of advertising. Anyway, I'm off to buy the Record and lynch asylum seekers.

 

by andydougan
6-10-02
I've seen the future and it is PLASTIC.
I can't wait for the future.
Fortunately, I don't have to.
In the future, zeppelins were waiting to fly us to the cities in the sky.
Wait, this is just as bad as the past.

 

by andydougan
6-10-02
If you can see the future, what am I about to say?
"Sit in quiet spots and think, shun the tavern's portal, write, and never have lived, die to be immortal."
Sit in quiet spots and think, shun the tavern's portal, write, and never have lived, die to be immortal.
How...how did you...
Know? mwahahahahhaaaa.

 

by andydougan
6-10-02
!
?
...
\o/
^o^
^__^

 

by andydougan
6-10-02
Can you teach me to see the future?
I can teach you to see my undies.
But can you teach me to see the future?
Yes. Nets in 5.
That doesn't make sense.

 

by andydougan
6-10-02
Welcome back.
I was so lonely without you.
I was lonely without me too.
Fortunately, I had my asthma inhaler for company.

 

by andydougan
6-10-02
That reminds me. I'm making a series of inane conversations in the medium of comic strip. Would you like to be in them?
If inanity is the theme, I'm certainly a good pick.
What character shall I use to represent you?
Given a choice I'd prefer Dil from the submitted category.
Well, you're given a choice.

 

by andydougan
6-10-02
That last one should've been #6. My apologies.
But how do I make it clear the Dil is supposed to be you?
Well, you could call it Scyess, or you could title the comic "That blue thing? Oh, it's Scyess."
I can't title the comic that. I'm calling all the strips "Inane conversations #1", "Inane conversations #2" etc.
Or you could send an e-mail to each and every person who ever viewed the site and say "By the way, In comic number 70670, that blue thing I used should represent Scyess."
I don't think I'll bother making these comics after all.

 

by andydougan
6-10-02
Ha ha, my shittie old music from years ago just crashed my PC.
"Shittie"? I don't believe that's a word.
That's the polite spelling. It's Olde English.
In a somer sesun whyn softe was the sonne, I poppyd a cappe in some mothyrfuckyre's asse.
But can you teach me to see the future?

 

by andydougan
6-10-02
Psst! Baphomet! I'm making a demon! What are you making?
Uh...a demon, Adramelech. Hey, check out what that faggot up front is making!
Cecil's exceptional imagination did not make him popular with his classmates.
I just gotta be me!

 

by andydougan
6-10-02
Islamabad
The first rule of Talk Club is you do not fight about Talk Club!
Ha ha.
I don't care if you did bring Brad Pitt along specially - I'm not negotiating with Vajpayee!

 

by andydougan
6-10-02
In the world I see, you're stalking elk through the damp canyon forest around the ruins of Rockefeller Center.
You'll wear leather clothes that will last you the rest of your life.
You'll climb the wrist-thick vines that wrap the Sears Tower.
And when you look down you'll see tiny figures pounding corn, laying strips of venison in the empty carpool lane of some abandoned super highway.
Well, the world I see in a couple of weeks, anyway.
Want to help load the warheads?

 

by andydougan
6-10-02
Brad Pitt in Islamabad
I'm the hunkiest man in Hollywood, rivalled only by Russell Crowe. If I can't prevent this war, no one can.
Mister...er... General...uh... President...what title do you use when addressing a monstrous dictator, anyway?
"Sir" is usually advisable.
I don't think I meant to say that out loud.
Get the cutlass.

 

by andydougan
6-10-02
The firing squad
Do you have any last words, Mr Pitt?
But I'm on a diplomatic mission! Kill me, and you kill all hopes of peace!
I don't think so. A new diplomat has just arrived, and he's considerably hunkier than you.
What? Surely not...
If you go to war with India, I'll see you never work in this town again!
What do you mean? No one works in Islamabad.

 

by andydougan
6-10-02
Funny thing.
How come when you say "yahoo" as an exclamation, you put emphasis on the second syllable, but in the company name, you emphasize the first?
My fist is going to put emphasis on your teeth if you don't shut up.

 

by andydougan
6-14-02
No two democracies have ever gone to war with each other!
Bah! What about NATO versus Serbia?
Hmm. But NATO's not really democratic. I mean, it's made up of democracies, but it isn't one itself.
Well, all right, how about the US versus Chile?
But they weren't officially at war. US intelligence was just helping Chilean rebels. So it was really the CIA versus Chile, and the CIA isn't a democracy.
Yeah. Looks like you might be right after all.

 

by andydougan
6-23-02
Like a dream you held my body tight!
Like caffeine you kept me up all night!
I like my men like I like my coffee!
Hot, strong and sweet like toffee!
How Cliff Richard manages to look so young at eighty-seven, I will never understand.
Fill my cup til it's flowing down the sides!

 

by andydougan
6-27-02
We've all done it before.
It gives you some buzz! It's better than sex!
Everyone does it. Only little kids don't.
If you were a real friend, you'd do it.
What are you? Chicken?
Er...actually, I eat worms on a regular basis.

 

by andydougan
7-03-02
Uncle Dick!
Mr President, intelligence indicates that there will be a terrorist attack against the US on Independence Day.
Gasp! Oh no! Really?
No, of course not really. But we'd tell the idiots the world is made of Play-Doh if it'd hold off the 9/11 investigation. Now shut up and read your lines.
Afghanistan
I pronounce you man and wife. You may bury the bride.

Showing page 9.

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