All comics by Gwar01

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by Gwar01
1-10-02
Why was I born with a nail in my head?
I'm not sure, but I'm gonna fight for slavery.
I'm doomed to a life of repetition. What else is there to do with a nail in the head, other than pound it in farther?
Don't ask me. I hate black people.
I hate my life.
Do you know how to work a cotton gin? Maybe I have some work for you then.

 

by Gwar01
1-10-02
I'm Kurt Cobain. Have you ever heard of my band Nirvana?
Yes, I am Courtney Love, and I am your wife. You are a good band together with your friends.
Wow, I must have gotten really drunk and married that ugly, doped up whore.
Feel my hair. I spilled some beer in it a few days ago and it's still kinda sticky.
Fuck Nirvana. My wife is ugly, so I will kill myself.
That's the spirit. I will help you kill yourself after I drink this booze.

 

by Gwar01
1-10-02
Hello squirrel. I am a robot so I do not have any feelings or hungers. I do not hate you, and I will not try to kill you.
I like nuts. Where are all of the acorns I saw last year?
I was programmed to do menial tasks, like moving logs and bricks. I have no reason to kill squirrels.
Oh yeah, I remember where the acorns are now. My friends and I stored them in our tree and ate them to survive.
Just kidding. Now that I am out of my robot costume, I can tell you that I am a weird pervert who gets off on screwing little squirrels and killing them afterwards.
I think I will have to look somewhere else for nuts today. Maybe I can find some under a leaf.

 

by Gwar01
1-10-02
My name is Sidewindin' Sal, and I'm a rootin' tootin', high-falootin', gun shootin', rubber bootin' son of a gun.
Oh no. I hate cowboys. It's a good thing I have a knife so I can kill myself. You know, so I don't have to be by the cowboy anymore.
Where are the stables in this ghost town? I'm gonna saddle up and find me a posse.
I seem to have lost my knife. How will I end this hell on earth now? He's starting to talk about a posse, and it's becoming unbearable!
Hey boy, how'd you like to ride alongside a real Western cowboy hero?
No, that's okay. I'll just stay in this garbage can that I bought. I kept the receipt because I didn't know if I'd need it or not.

 

by Gwar01
1-10-02
Hey little girl, aren't you a bit young to be in this bar? Are you looking for your mommy and daddy?
Actually, I'm looking for a big, strong guy to take advantage of me and turn me into a nympho.
Oh, is that right? Well, you've come to the right place, little lady. Would you like to come with me to the back room?
Sure, but first I'm gonna go play with myself. You look like the kind of guy who likes to skip foreplay.
Hey dad, the bartender is trying to pick me up. You should go kill him.
Daddy's a little busy dying for your sins right now. Trust me, if I could get down, I would.

 

by Gwar01
1-10-02
Ho ho ho, Merry Christmas boys and girls! Come sit on Santa's lap and tell me what you want!
Ow! Santa, I think your finger is in my butt.
Ho ho ho! That's okay, little boy. You want a truck for Christmas, and Santa wants to touch little boys! It's give and take, sweet thing!
Wait a second, isn't it April? Christmas was like 4 months ago.
Can Santa stay at your house for a while? He needs to lay low for a while before skipping town.
Okay, but you have to stay with the Easter Bunny and my uncle Todd. I wonder when this endless cycle will ever stop...

 

by Gwar01
1-10-02
So you say the man who robbed you was fairly tall and had dark hair and eyes, right?
Uh, yeah, and he had a big gun and two angry dogs and some camels, I think. Oh yeah, and he had a helicopter and an alligator.
Hey, you just stole that bottle of booze from my liquor store. You should give it back.
Uhhh...here he is, officer. Arrest him!
I should have known it was you. Imagine, trying to steal a bottle of booze from a poor, innocent homeless man who's down on his luck!
Hey, can't blame me for trying, right? Plus you never really arrest me. You just make me twist your nipples until they bleed while I sing songs from the Go-Go Girls.

 

by Gwar01
1-10-02
I'm a sexually frustrated and aggressive school girl who won't take no for an answer.
And I'm a homosexual man who is disgusted by how women practically throw themselves at men these days!
Look at my underwear, faggot!
No! I'm turned this way now so I don't have to! You digust me!
This is the worst show I have ever seen. Let's change the channel.
It's not a show, you idiot. It's your sexually active 15 year old girlfriend and your gay brother fighting. Deal with it.

 

by Gwar01
1-10-02
I'm Clippy, the clip-happy paper clip who loves just bein' a paper clip!
And I'm Beelzebub, a minion of hell sent here to earth to wash over it with the blood of all it's sinners.
Rent is $350 a month, split down the middle. We take turns on utilities and I have a bathroom schedule posted on the refrigerator.
...Okay, deal...
My new room mate is such a tool. I knew it was a bad idea to leave hell.
Hey, I thought you said you was gonna do business with me, not tell me yo life story. Now do you wanna get laid or not, turkey!?

 

by Gwar01
1-10-02
How could you do this to me, Francis? I raised you from a little puppy and I even taught you that ridiculous ball trick you're doing!
Times have changed, old man. Regular clowns just ain't good enough in the new world.
So this is how it's going to be, eh? Just casted aside like so much trash, is that what it comes down to?
Quit yer whinin', old man. It's splitsville for you, Trixie. Take a hike.
I bet this is because I videotaped myself cutting your balls off, putting them in a blender and making you drink them, then making you watch the tape over and over.
Actually it's just in my contract.

 

by Gwar01
1-10-02
Hi, my name is Sean. You go to school with me and you hang out with my friends, so we should be friends too.
My name is Whitney, and I think that's a good idea. Tell me, do you like rap music?
No, no I do not like rap music. Maybe we shouldn't be friends.
If that is your wish, then so be it. But I want you to know that it kills me a little inside.
That's just the baby. Maybe you and Justin shouldn't be so friendly.
Friendly? What does that mean?

 

by Gwar01
1-10-02
Hey man, I dropped a contact lens. Could you be a pal and get it for me?
Well, well, well. Look who came crawling back. I thought you said you didn't need me anymore.
I don't, I just can't see without my contact lens.
If that's all you want, then how come you're sucking my penis?
Ohhh, that's your penis? I thought it was...uh...a flower. Yeah, I thought it was a flower, because that's what bees like, right?
Nice try. I'll put your name back on the lease and get your ring back from the pawn shop. Oh yeah, and I'll rescue the children from the Cubans.

 

by Gwar01
1-10-02
Psst...hey, Satan. I got a deal for you. You can have my soul if you get me off of this cross.
Your soul and a life of eternal damnation in exchange for being the savior to the people on earth? Are you sure about this?
Yeah, just get me off of this fucking cross already. God damn it, this isn't what I expected to happen. Can't I just win a baseball game like other heroes?
Actually, I have a better idea. I think I'll just burn you so you can't rise again and foil all of my plans.
Won't you get in more trouble now that you've killed me for good?
No, because God hates faggots. Plus he needs a son, and now that you're out of the picture, he'll be looking to adopt.

 

by Gwar01
1-10-02
Hey good-lookin', whatcha got cookin'?
Listen buddy, I don't have time for sweet talk. My period starts in 25 minutes, so if you want some action, you better shut up and get to it.
You looked all puckered out. Can I get you a kiss?
Hey cassanova, time's a wastin'. I got two little Asian kids over there willing to drop $50 on me. What's it gonna be?
I'm sorry, my pick up lines have never worked before, so I'm not sure what to do now. Well, see ya later. Take it easy.
I lied about the Asian boys. How about you just give me $20 and I'll light a cigarette and smoke it with my clit?

 

by Gwar01
1-10-02
My name is Hobocop. I used to be a dying hobo, and then the government decided to spare my life and give me robot parts.
Why would the government pay to have some hobo stay alive? You're part of the problem with America today, shouldn' they have just let you die?
No, now I'm part of the solution. Now that I have robot parts, I'm doing my part to stop crime where it hits the hardest.
Yeah, I've seen you policing the lines down at the soup kitchen. Way to go, Batman.
That reminds me- they're serving beef stew today. I gotta get back to work because the lines are going to be super-long today.
It's about time. It's gonna take me weeks to get the smell of feet, b.o. and vomit out of my clothes.

 

by Gwar01
1-10-02
Are you the one who is known as Kimberly Flanagan?
Yep, that's me! Are you here to be my new daddy? My old one left me and my mommy all alone.
Little girl, I know this may be hard for you to understand, but you're dead now, and I'm here to take you away.
I'm dead? NOOO!!! How did it happen?
You were sodomized repeatedly by a 9 foot black bear.
Oh yeah. I figured it was either that or the heroin.

 

by Gwar01
1-11-02
Hey man, I got this concept for a movie, right?
Alright, lay it on me.
It's about this black guy who has a best friend who's white and has a really hot sister. So the black guy compromises his friendship for a peice of ass.
You're still bitter about that, aren't you?
Only because I saw her first.
She's your sister, man. Anytime you want her, she's right there. Plus I invited you to join in, so don't give me that shit.

 

by Gwar01
1-11-02
Hold on, I have to check if everything's where it's supposed to be.
Hurry up, I'm not getting any younger. Remember that I paid you good money for this.
Alright, here it comes...
I've been waiting my whole life for this!
Holy shit, that was fucking great. I mean, it would have been better if he would have played with my dong instead like I paid him to, but that was good too.

 

by Gwar01
1-11-02
Whatcha doin', mister?
Drinkin' beer.
Why?
Because my wife left me.
Why?
Because I'm fucking you.

 

by Gwar01
1-11-02
Hey fatty, better stop eating or you'll get fatter! Oh wait a second, that's impossible! Hahaha!
He's right, what have I done with my life? WAHHHH!!!
Hey ugly, better marry some drunk girl soon because you'll never find anyone with a face like that!
He's right, the time is now! I'm going to Vegas and marrying the first drunken floosie I find!
Hey loser, why don't you do something so you can earn some money? Get off of the streets, bum!
You're right. Hey kid, how much money do your parents have so I know how much to ask for in the ransom note?

 

by Gwar01
1-11-02
Having a twin brother really sucks.
You said it.
But it does have its advantages.
Yeah, like we can share clothes and we always have someone to play with...
Actually, it's convenient for me because if my mom catches me humping the dog, I can just say I'm my brother and she makes him go to therapy instead of me.
It's okay. I did the same thing to him.

 

by Gwar01
1-11-02
So you're telling me that people are afraid of me and want me dead because I'm different and they're narrow-minded?
That's what I gather. They're so set in their ways that they can't accept you for you.
Maybe I should just go talk to them and try to set things straight, eh?
Hmmm...you better let me go. They might not even listen to you, so I have a better chance of being able to reason with them.
Okay, thanks a lot, pal. This is a big load off my mind. And all this time I thought they hated me because I killed their children, raped their wives, and burnt their crops!
Nope, it's definitely the way you look. I do the same things and they love me.

 

by Gwar01
1-11-02
Hey guy, gimme a box of your finest condoms today.
Hey, there's no smoking in here. Finish it outside, buddy.
I can't help it, pal. I'm a walking talking cigarette, it's what I do.
Then you'll have to have someone else buy those condoms for you. There's absolutely no smoking allowed.
Whatever, prick. You're just mad because I'm the cause of your divorce. Hell, cigarettes gotta get laid to. I'll just be screwing your ex-wife without protection now.
He's so right. *sniffle*

 

by Gwar01
1-11-02
You wanted to talk to me, Sully?
Yeah. I just wanted to apologize for all the trouble I've caused you. I got you this gift to make up for it.
Well now that was thoughtful. What is it?
It's that picture I took of you screwing your neighbor's geese.
Thank you so much. Does this mean that you're going to stop showing it to my family and co-workers?
Let's not push it. I had duplicates made.

 

by Gwar01
1-11-02
Marty, we've got to go back to the future!
Ahh doc, can't you go back without me? I'm getting a little old for this.
Hey, I was born in the 19th century and look at me! Limbs still flailin' and heart still pumpin'!
What do we have to fix anyway?
I went crazy and slaughtered your newborn baby. I figured you'd want to fix that.
Meh, don't worry about it. I was gonna do it myself sooner or later.

 

by Gwar01
1-11-02
Hi, it's me, Hobocop again! I just thought I'd patrol the streets now and make them safe for the bums who have to live on them.
Hello Hobocop, I am your arch enemy. My name is Master Sadist, and I love torturing the homeless!
Oh no, we can't have that! Prepared to be vanquished, fiend!
Oh no, his horrible bum breath is melting my flesh!
I found a turd on the corner so I ate it. We bums gotta eat even when the kitchens are closed, ya know.
Which corner was it? I just took a crap on 15th and Broadway.

 

by Gwar01
1-11-02
Consarnit! I can't sleep with all yer yammerin', woman!
Hey, it ain't my fault, old timer. You're the one that tied me down and shoved the duck up my ass.
That's a fool's lie! You know damn well you asked me to do it, temptress!
I didn't ask for the duck, you crazy old coot.
I couldn't find no damn penguin. That's the best yer gettin'!
You didn't even try very hard. *sniffle*

 

by Gwar01
1-11-02
Sean, I know that we're becoming good friends, I have decided to transfer to La Crosse. Isn't that wonderful?
I guess, Whitney...whatever you think is best for you, you should do it.
Hey Sean, I'm gonna be transferring to La Crosse at the end of the semester. Isn't that cool?
I guess, Justin. Geez, it seems like everyone is leaving me. Well, as long as they're doing it for their personal well-being.
After the transfer to La Crosse...
Boy, La Crosse sure is great. I know people here, and there's so much to do...
Wait a second- didn't we transfer here so we could have sex all the time?

 

by Gwar01
1-11-02
We are Siamese if you please!
We are Siamese if you don't please.
We are former residents of- holy shit!
AHHHH!
I wish you'd stop that so I could finish the damn song.
Remind me again- who was the voodoo bitch that turned me into a dragon in the first place? Right? So shut yer yap.

 

by Gwar01
1-11-02
...
...
...
...
...So, uh...you come here often?
Shut up.

 

by Gwar01
1-11-02
Goaty Loaty, we have to go warn the others that the sky is falling!
Uhhhh, I can't. I gotta stay here or else I'll get in a lot of trouble with Farmer Brown.
Hey goat, you best not be thinkin' about runnin' away with that damn chicken!
Yes sir, read you loud and clear! Wouldn't dream of it!
He fucks you, doesn't he?
Hey, he takes me to dinner and a movie first.

 

by Gwar01
1-11-02
What are you doing with that hammer, those nails, and that document?
I'm gonna let you in on a little secret. Remember when Martin Luther nailed that list of amendments to be made to the bible and to Christianity as a whole?
Yeah, I studied that stuff in school. So what, do you have some more amendments to make that you're going to nail to a church door?
Well...kind of...
So what are you going to do then?
I've got this request for a more delicious chicken sandwich that I'm going to nail to the doors of Burger King.

 

by Gwar01
1-11-02
Wow! That's the biggest pair of hooters I ever saw! Wanna get busy, sweet tits?
I am hellspawn, vermin of earth! Bow before me or taste the wrath of your precious God!
I'll give you $20 to jerk me off.
Make it $50 and I'll suck you off too.
Man, I was skeptic about yo' shit at first, but that demon racket you got goin' is the bomb!
I know, but it kills me a little inside every time. *sigh*

 

by Gwar01
1-14-02
Hi, my name is Megan and I think I'll contradict everything you have to say.
But I'm Sean, and that would make me sad.
That doesn't matter, I was just kidding. Wanna play with my eggs?
I'm John, and I'm gonna break the egg before Sean can! Haha!
This is the worst day of my life.
Who cares? I hate boys! Kiss me, Whitney!

 

by Gwar01
1-14-02
Hey Megan, I hate to nitpick, but as I was sitting on your bed here, I noticed that your bra was laying there.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'll move it right away.
There, is that better?
Well, kinda I guess...
Why, what's wrong?
I was kinda hoping you'd lay out a pair of matching panties instead.

 

by Gwar01
1-14-02
Hmmm...I'm gonna drive out to campus now to see what Megan, Whitney, and Justin are up to.
Looking through the window of their dorm room...
Justin, take that out! It's starting to bother me.
Oh Whitney, you like it and you know it.
Upon entering the room...
No no no, Justin and I weren't having sex. He was just sticking his whole fist up his own ass.
Hey, it's only because my foot fell asleep in there.

 

by Gwar01
2-07-02
Hello, would you like to play basketball?
That's the name of the game, suckah! But I got a few rules to throw at ya.
Forget it.
Hey, where you goin'? We gots to get our dunk on!
Meanwhile...
Hello!
Hi!

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