All comics by Zbu

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by Zbu
7-03-02
Why you should never eat Velveeta.
Life is a mockery of all that is good and just in the world.
What the hell are you whining about, my head is a giant Bayer aspirin you drugged up little shitwad.
Life is a mockery of all that is good and just in the world.
Do I look like a tightassed little Goth? Stop whining, you diaper eating little crap factory!!
Life is a mockery of all that is good and just in the world.
Would it be murder if I ripped that phallis off his head and beat him to death with it?

 

by Zbu
7-03-02
Sick of human life, Phallishead dies and meets God and asks the shapeshifter about life....
Why do men have nipples?
To prevent Kurt Cobain from taking over the world.
Time passes.....
Why must people drive Yugos?
So the family of Ernest Hemingway can built a robotic body for their great relative's brain.
And finally, the real question is answered.....
Who the hell does Eddie Vedder think he is?
A 14-year-old Thai whore with a perchant for opening beer bottles with her vagina....scary, huh?

 

by Zbu
7-03-02
Hi, I'm Sally Anderson and I thought that last Tin Hitler was just awful and wrong and not suitable for children!!
Mommy, I'm making some popcorn on the car radiator, okay?
Opening beer bottles with vaginas..the hell? We should NOT read anything by this 'Zbu' ever again! I'm going to form a committee!
Mommy, the radiator exploded and is burning down the house! It BURNS, IT BURNS!!!
I mean, reading this strip could give kids ideas....and heaven knows I can't watch soap operas and watch them at the same time!!
AHHHHHH!!! Quick, call the Maury show, we might be able to get a free car out of this!!

 

by Zbu
7-03-02
Sally tries to hunt down her offenders....
I have a complaint!!
Leave me alone, I'm focusing my latent powers of transmutation.
But in the world of Tin Hitler, she finds that nobody cares....
I have a complaint!!
If I had your face, I would too.
Or......
I have a complaint!! Listen to me now!!!
Doesn't look like the Asian wife I had planned on...oh well, to the dumpster her dead body goes.

 

by Zbu
7-03-02
It just doesn't look right....
Life sucks, dear friend, and it is worth sharing the sorrow.
Get bent, dickface....I was just wondering why this doesn't look right.
Well, religious stuff is always a controversial thing.
He is right..maybe I need some slacks!
One more word and your scrotum is my pincushion, God Boy.

 

by Zbu
7-03-02
How to pick up women.
Hey, you look nice, would you like to date...DIRK MCSTUDLY?
Sure!
How not to pick up women.
"I'll pay you five bucks and expect two in return, and I won't leave you in a dumpster."
Hot dang! No more sleeping in the U-Haul!
How to get arrested.
Say, you like gladiator movies and playing Jungle Adventure?
Well, at least it's better than having my uncle tell me to unclench.

 

by Zbu
7-03-02
In order to find the elusive secret of life, Phallishead goes to the final frontier....the inner city.
Welcome my friend, to the Cafe Le Street, where we discuss life.
Then can you tell me why God loves but man kills?
Ummm...
Or why that, despite my disfigurement, I still can't muster the courage to put a bullet through my elongated head?
Man, you're depressing the fuck out of me, and I'm supposed to be dark...to get chicks.
Why must my life be nothing but a cockroach-ridden fiasco of disappointment, found only in public bathrooms populated by fat Mexican women?

 

by Zbu
7-03-02
How to make friends.
Let us share common interests and form a common bond!
Agreed!
How not to make friends
Your breath smells of that time I crapped out that corn dog.
At least when I listen to you I'm not reminded of 'Mama's Family,' you ugly fungus.
How to make enemies
Wanna listen to my tape of dead hookers screaming for mercy at my evil hands?
Call the police...make it look like self-defense...don't explain the footmarks on her jaw....

 

by Zbu
7-03-02
Meanwhile, in the armageddon after the League of Evil's latest and most deadly plan...
Mission accomplished, m'lord! The Earth and its inhabitants are no more!
Superb..then our Hell can be reborn as planned...bwhahahahaaHAHA!
But, there is one bad side....our Ultima weapon left one being alive.
But who can withstand a weapon that is powered by pure misery, loathing, and destruction??
Excuse me...can I have a refill of my Snapple??
All we have is Piss Lemon and Snot Lime Flavors left....you bastard.

 

by Zbu
7-03-02
And now, the subtle ways a child's mind is warped.
Where do babies come from?
The head of Zeus after you split it open with a jackhammer and feast on the goo within.
What is the difference between right and wrong?
Living a life as a wage slave in McDonalds or cornholding that Sarah Geller bitch.
Where do pets go when they die?
I'll give you a hint...walk in front of that bus and I'll tell ya.

 

by Zbu
7-03-02
Sally Anderson tries to take Tin Hitler offline with..A PETITION!
Sign this and all the world's problems will be solved!
Who the hell wants that?
Save our children from evil online comic strips!
Well, if you wish....
AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!
Heheheh..even more fun than soccer punting kids into woodchippers.

 

by Zbu
7-03-02
Two days later.....
OW!! IT BURNS!!!
Heheheheheh...
Hey, the hell??
Hey, think you can take my place, eh??
Ahhhh!! MY FACE!!
Now that's much more fun than pushing kids into woodchippers!

 

by Zbu
7-03-02
Evil in the 1500s
I just invented leprosy!
I invented Divine Right and introduced America to fuck with everyone!
Evil in the 1950s
I just invented Racism! Look at those Whites bash everything in their path!
I created religious folk who control behavior in odd ways! Now the humans can't piss without feeling guilty!
Evil in 2002.
The world is ending, and it's call N'Sync.
Ever heard of pop-up ads? Bwhahahaha..

 

by Zbu
7-03-02
Christmas Eve...
Hello, young man, aren't you supposed to be in bed while I come and bring you presents?
Yes, but due to my fragile emotional state I need reassurance that in this cruel world, there is kindness and hope.
I cannot provide that for you, my son.
Why the hell not?
Because I'm not Santa, I have a gun, and I just took a big crap in your stocking. Now hand over your scrotum!!

 

by Zbu
7-03-02
Tonight on "Detective Squad!"
Ah, once again we stopped a hideous crime from occurring!
Yes! A dastardly plot to kill Old Ms. McGinty and take her gold!
I say we celebrate, old chum!
But how? Fine wine? Lobster? A bit of caviar?
I say we beat up McGinty, take her gold, and run for Guatemala.
Fuck the pension, I got a hankering for some beatdown action!

 

by Zbu
7-03-02
Shunned from humanity under pain of death for his dissertations about humanity, Phallishead finds comfort in nature....
Hello, welcome to nature!
I have come to find peace.
Well, all that is out here is trees and shit.
Is that what peace is?
That and shutting the fuck up before I gore you.
Well, at least there's the refreshing lack of politics and Kevin Smith.

 

by Zbu
7-03-02
Famous Inventions Throughout History!
Yes, I have created the first thinking robot! Run free and solve the world's problems!
I shall! To the Pentagon!!
I have created the first universal translator, which has averted alien invasion!
No, thank you for providing us with the thousands of pounds of ant feces, which powers my planet!
At last, I've invented the DNA Paternity test! Stop leeching off my finances and tell that whore of a mother that the Mafia is going for her kneecaps!
Back to eating shit in Malaysia for me!.....that or the cruel, cold barrel of a MAC-10 under my chin.

 

by Zbu
7-03-02
And now to save time, the condensed PG-rated version of "Showgirls."
I'M NOT A SLUT!!
Shut up before I slice open your belly and rape you, whore!
I'M NOT A SLUT!!
I like your spunk! Surely you will climb the dizzying heights of dancing stardom, only to be cast down when you realize nobody likes you and you have the body of an overbaked chicken!
I'M NOT A SLUT!!
Who the fuck cares, I just want fries with my milkshake, you Screech-fucking whore!

 

by Zbu
7-03-02
Honesty on MTV's "The Real World."
You're a whiny bitch who needs a beating.
But I need to show my emotions to you via a Peter Gabriel song!
You're a whiny bitch who needs a beating.
But Shakera told me that Brian told her that she was hurting DEEP inside, and I said that Erik said that I.....
You're a whiny bitch who needs a beating.
You would be too if you're the one who has to swim naked in order to keep the overweight peons watching this crap.

 

by Zbu
7-04-02
Once again disenfrachised by life, Phallishead dies and confronts God the Shapeshifter...
Why is life full of working for a nonexistant reward?
Sorry, wrong guy, I'm merely the robot from Alpha Centuri that ended up killing Stalin.
And tries to find him....
Why is life full of working for a nonexistant reward?
Don't fuck with me, I'm looking for that damn bear that doesn't wear pants.
Until Finally.....NOTHING.
Why is life full of working for a nonexistant reward?
So I can gore you then snorty our powdery body much like cocaine.

 

by Zbu
7-04-02
Licking a wet public toilet seat.
Listening to Britney Spears lyrics.
Eating at Arby's.
Soccer kicking a baby into a woodchipper then feeding the remains to the parents.
Eating out Rosie O'Donnell during her time of the month.
Okay, you win Grossout of the Year for the second time in a row...you bastard.

 

by Zbu
7-07-02
Phallishead, recently resurrected, celebrates his birthday.
Happy birthday, Phallishead, did you get anything you wanted?
Why is life so unfair and full of evil?
No, really, I wanna know.
How can I express my feelings of hopelessness and woe to my dear friend, whom I greatly respect?
I wanna cornhole David Lynch and have his illegitimate mutant children.
Yeah, whatever, where's the cheese dip?

 

by Zbu
7-07-02
Life in Utopia.
Help me, I'm hurt and in horrible pain!
Have no fear, we shall help you!
Life is Dystopia.
Help me, I'm hurt and in horrible pain!
Damn roving warrior gangs! Let us help you heal and make you feel well.
Life in America thanks to HMOs.
Help me, I'm hurt and in horrible pain!
All I need is your wallet, car keys, and first born child....it's still a virgin, right? Oh well, like it'll matter anyway...

 

by Zbu
7-18-02
Police methods in the 1950s.....
How dastardly that the old lady committed the crimes!
Good thing she was guilty, otherwise I would feel bad beating her!
Police methods in the 1970s.....
Well, another crime against the environment solved!
Let us celebrate our newfound liberalism by driving our gas guzzler to the disco!
Police methods at present, in L.A......
Damn PCP addicts with automatic weapons!
Thank God we beat down that dork filming him and then massacred his family with shotguns!

 

by Zbu
8-18-02
Bored by their fairly easy conquest of Earth, the League of Evil plays their favorite game....
Pauly Shore.
Jenny McCarthy
Just who will be.....
Ozzy Osbourne and his foul crotchspawn.
O.J. Simpson.
...the harbinger of the apocalypse?
Anna Nicole Smith and her white-trash brand of retardation.
You win.

 

by Zbu
8-18-02
Knocked into a coma by a frozen fish, Phallishead reevaluates life by gaining a split personality.
So this is my mind?
And I'm the personification of everything you want to be.
Well, that is quite a relief.
Why?
Because I originally thought my perfect self would be something from that damn 'Arlo and Janis' comic.
Be lucky, it was a near win for Odie or Marmaduke.

 

by Zbu
8-18-02
Still in a coma, Phallishead undergoes a personality change.
First, we must get to that part of your mind that is cool.
Oh, you mean like Hawaiian shirts and Miami Vice reruns?
No, your core beliefs about life, religion, and vital issues of the day.
You mean 'wheither or not Ozzy has sold out?'
We're not here to discuss the obvious.
Good. No need to tell anyone how much the Simpsons sucks then.

 

by Zbu
8-18-02
Once again, in Phallishead's brain.....
And now, I shall reveal to you the secret of life!
Finally! The purpose of my life is to be revealed!
And after ten minutes of proofs and various other evidence.....
...and as you see, the only thing that matters in life is Marvel Comics' "Defenders" comic book.
So you're telling me the Hulk, Namor, and Dr. Strange are the reason to live?
That and the Silver Surfer. He's the one that gets them the chicks.
Could you tell me again about the Son of Satan and Hellcat screwing like aardvarks?

 

by Zbu
8-18-02
Social acceptance in the 1970s
Do you hate the man?
Yes! Let us throw away logic and become hippies, only to refuse to raise children and cause more problems!
Social acceptance in the 1980s
Shave your hair into a mohawk, dye it green, and rip your clothes so we can fit in!
Only if you have Skid Row's newest album!
Social acceptance in the 1990s
Ahhhh!! It burns, IT BURNS!!
But it will dull the pain of the sixteen nose piercings. Now shut up and put your pants on backwards!

 

by Zbu
8-18-02
Beat up a nun then use organs for fuzzy dice in my Cadillac.
Beat up an orphan, then replace his limbs with common household cutlery.
Catch fire to an infant and whip it into a fireworks factory and scream 'STOMP IT OUT!!'
Paste a turban on Martin Lawrence and shove him into Manhattan.
Okay, you get the Klondike Bar.
I hope it's Vanilla.

 

by Zbu
8-18-02
Back in Comaland.....
Wow! Now I must return back to real life so I can change my life due to what I've learned here!
Thus my mission is complete!
Or I can keep on complaining and being depressed.
Well, then we shall meet again. Now go, while I go help my next client....
Okay, bucko, heads up.
I warn you, my definition of fight club is not adjective noun, but verb and verb-in-my-left-hand.

 

by Zbu
8-18-02
Am I right to dish out pain without remorse?
Hmm....better ask those who are adversely affected by it.
...gaaaah......glurg....
No help there.
Give him a few more kicks. What the hell, it worked for Dr. Laura.

 

by Zbu
8-18-02
And suddenly, reality catches up with Columbine Boy....
Women!!
You have a problem?
My girlfriend just dumped me for that guy behind me. God, what a bitch.
But to be honest, man, I think I know why.
I keep telling you, this thing on my head isn't a penis!!
Sorry officers, I just don't know how someone can be beaten to death with flowers.....

 

by Zbu
8-19-02
Tonight on 'When Kids Ask.'
Is there a God?
Yeah, and he drinks Mike's Hard Lemonade and doesn't like you.
Why do cats exist?
SHUT UP AND GIVE ME BACK MY BOOK OF MORMON, FIREMAN!!
Help me, the villagers have rioted and now want my blood!
Lousy five buck whores, getting uglier by the minute.

 

by Zbu
8-19-02
Phallishead reports a crime.....
...and that's why I called you.
So, you're reporting your soul stolen.
Exactly! In this cruel world, it is a daily crime that our souls are stolen and used for dental floss for the Godzilla-like Capitalistic monster.
Sir, I only deal with tangible crimes. Perhaps you should see a priest.
I don't see how getting sodomized would help me.
And come to think of it, I probably wouldn't get involved either. Oh well, blame the Vatican.

 

by Zbu
8-19-02
Everyday in this unnamed but obviously Third World country, children starve to death.
Please help me, the wild dogs use me as their salt lick.
And if you only spare a few dollars a day, you could pay me to go down to the supermarket and buy out the .49 cans of rotted beans.
The local terrorists use us for kindling and target practice....INCOMING!!!
And come on, I need some new shoes.
Well, at least that bastard won't try to pick me up anymore.

 

by Zbu
11-17-02
Ah, my plan is complete! Ever since I rigged the American Election, the Earth is DOOMED!!
You madman! Why must you doom a planet to a life of worshipping false idols and reality TV?
People are stupid, they'll do whatever I say after I abolish the school system!
But how can stupid people actually understand what you are saying if they're not educated enough?
You see, that's where the Gouda comes in....
You know, I thought his lack of pants was accidental, now.....

 

by Zbu
11-17-02
Meanwhile, in the thin slice of reality between the real plane and the minds of human beings....
.....so you're basically saying I should drive a Yugo?
They're cheap, affordable, and chances are with gas prices going up, they're cool to boot!
Cool?
Especially if you add flames to the side and play the Ab Fab theme consistantly!
You had me until you brought Britain into this.
Shit, the Yugo bastards are going to have my head for this. Ah, fuck it, I'll go torture some invalids with episodes of the Duck Factory.

 

by Zbu
7-15-03
Family
Friends
Midwestern values with a touch of New York sophistication
People who are fair, kind, and adapt easily to change.
Those all make you wince? Come to Texas!
Come now and your first five Negro beatings are free! Thanks, Dubya!

 

by Zbu
7-15-03
Ah, Antibodic, we meet again!
Germ....been a long time, since the incident at Medulla Oblongata...
Well, you won't stop my plans to erupt this intestine! This dinner party will be ruined, victory MINE!!
Yes, but you forget one little thing this time, my filthy little friend! For you see, we now inhabit a dog!
You're shitting me.
Your fault for hiding in the pelvis during the College years.

 

by Zbu
7-15-03
Welcome to McDonalds, how may I help you?
Fifteen burgers, nuked and greasy!
Oh sure, fry up my brethren to feed your gaping maw, you bitch! Burn in hell!
You haven't worked here long, have you?
I was CEO of Thetruth.com.
That explains your job now. And get me some cigs to boot, preacher's boy. On the DOUBLE!

 

by Zbu
1-14-05
Meanwhile, in wastes of Kentucky.....
Ten bucks?
Yup, honey, that's why they call me Cornhole!
I thought it was because of that cob that is oddly shoved up your ass.
It gives me character, hyuk!
It would if it wasn't still attached to that Thanksgiving diorama, and jammed through your pants.
The dollar store even made me pay for it! There is no justice in this Dollar General world!

 

by Zbu
1-14-05
Dear Mr. Violence, by now you have discovered our plot to drive you mad in exchange for millions owed in back taxes.
The clown has a gun and one of these empty hobo graves. Take the hint. Love, your Government.
P.S. Oh, by the way, we shot your dog.
I wish I could read.

 

by Zbu
1-14-05
Meanwhile, in Iraq, the League of Evil continues!
M'Lord, we have now finished our job of undermining world peace!
Excellent! Now to step up the chaos! Bring me the new Ultima Weapon!
Oh God, not that phallishead again.
No, the new weapon takes the nose of Gonzo, the hair of Moe Howard, and the voice of the damned screaming in unison!
Ashlee Simpson?
I got her on speed dial.

 

by Zbu
1-14-05
Intelligence in the 1980s...
I desire to succeed in high school, go to college, then get a high-paying job!
Indeed! Financial security is good despite using this as a mask for unfettered greed!
Intelligence in the 1990s...
The system is a sham! I'm heading to college to become part of the underground and to take out the man!
That is, in between bouts of depression, drug-induced emphoria, and useless peace marches!
Intelligence now.
Thinking is wrong and being smart is only being an elitist who doesn't understand the fallacy of stereotypical homespun wisdom!
Yessir, weapons of mass destruction are here, let's nuke 'em all! Proof, bah!

 

by Zbu
1-14-05
Evolution is only a theory designed to undermine the belief in God so everybody stops listening and conforming to pre-set standards!
Actually, evolution has nothing to do with God. It's just a way of explaining how we came to be and what we might become. Darwin himself cursed that his discoveries were taken the wrong way.
Pah! You liberals just want to undermine God so we can all start fucking gophers! It's only a THEORY, anyway!
You're taking the definition of theory wrong anyway. Evolution has proof and isn't being used by us to achieve an elitist structure just so we can play holier-than-thou!
I believe in God, hence I'm better than you!
Idiot, please, you're only the cashier at this Wal-Mart. Now get back to making $1.25 and ring up my gold bars!

 

by Zbu
1-14-05
The League of Evil plan!!
M'lord, our plans for destroying Earth are going swimmingly! How now can we continue our mayhem?
Simple. The best sort of warfare is one that involves many without their knowledge through psychological means.
The League of Evil plan!!
You mean like a belief or something undefinable that makes its detractors look like monsters for fighting against it with reasonable aplomb?
Exactly my red friend. And I have just the idea.
The League of Evil plan!!
I like it! Heavy-handed and unstoppable!
Think this is rad? I have a mandate to start eating children. Viva Four Years!

 

by Zbu
1-14-05
Thrown by an evil witch into the vortex of time, Brave Good Knight must triumph to return home! Joined by his astronaut buddy Buck Ryan, they are....STRANGERS IN TIME....
Pray thee, good sir, doth know a way out of here?
Er, not really.
Why, good sir, doth thou technology good enough?
Well, not really. You see, this thing only keeps out farts.
Fate tis a cruel bitch.
Plus I haven't bathed in days. Seriously, it's like a cheese festival in here and nobody covered the gouda.

 

by Zbu
1-14-05
And now, Low-Rent Naked Lunch....
Hello, I'm a drug addict who will retreat further into his dementia by using odd things as drugs, like bug spray and anal sex.
I see.
Then I'll move to Tangiers and become so self-involved that I'll invent a new way of writing which will take the world by storm, yet still my dire personal life will mar any success I have.
Oh Christ, aren't you fucked up? Go the fuck away you goddamn old zombie of a loser!
Then I'll just write snippets, publish them for $15 a pop, and be subtly 'underground.' And use insect imagery to affect the schism between humanity and conformity.
That's very nice. Say, do you have any drugs on you now? I would hate to slice you open only for wearing that fancy Armani suit like a jerk.

 

by Zbu
1-14-05
And now Peanuts, 2005.
Man, those adults sound like trombones.
Think that's weird? Some strange girl with a 'psychology stand' tried to probe my thoughts until I maced her and left her in the middle of the street.
Some annoying jerk was playing this tiny piano that came out of nowhere, so I called the cops on him and busted him for noise pollution.
And what about that loser who tried to kick a football and snapped his spine in two? He was bitching so much that I killed his dog with my sniper rifle.
That damn beagle that kept sitting on top of that doghouse with the fighter helmet?
Hey, give him a few more years and he's Old Yeller.

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