All comics by Pandeist

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by Pandeist
11-06-14
Can you believe I got this awesome combo as a random comic layout?
Now I'm holding a bonesaw but playing it cool. Hey, are you even listening?
Where did I leave my parsnips?
RANDOM LAYOOOOUT!!

 

by Pandeist
11-08-14
Hey Jesus, your cousin Phil is at the door. He wants to hang out.
Ugh, what a doof. Make up some excuse for why I'm not here....
....after all, what's the worst that could happen....
Sorry Phil, Jesus, uh, got crucified by the Romans. Yeah, that's it. He's not here. He's dead.
And that's how rumors get started....
CRUCIFIED? Why'd you tell him that? I have a family party to go to next week, he's going to see me alive there!!
Relax, this is the Bronze Age. Just paint your palms red and tell him you got resurrected. It happens all the time nowadays.

 

by Pandeist
11-08-14
I was just sitting here wondering exactly how much text could fit in one of these speech bubbles. I mean, like, if a million monkeys typing on a million typewriters could write all the works of Shak--
What, that's it?
Badonkadonkadonkadonkadonkadonkadonkadonkadonkadonkadonkadonkadonkadonkadonkadonkadonkadonkadonkadonkadonkadonkadonkadonkadonkadonkadonkadonkadonkadonkadonkadonkadonkadonkadonkadonkadonkadonkadonkadon
Bananas, eh?
Nuts.

 

by Pandeist
11-08-14
Hi!! I'm your new Microsoft desktop assistant!! Let's see if I can improve your hard drive performance!!
Hard drive deleted. Have a nice day.

 

by Pandeist
11-08-14
Pandeism is a religious theory which combines elements of Pantheism and Deism, so it concludes....
Derp!! Ha ha-- "Pandeism" sounds like you're into worshiping Panda bears!!
That's a commonly trotted-out misconception, but really Pandeism concludes our Creator became all things....
Including Panda bears, right? Ha!! You're a Panda bear worshiper!! Panda bears!! Paaaandaaaas!!
(burp).... Guys like that make it hard for me to stick to vegetarianism.

 

by Pandeist
11-08-14
What are we going to do?!?!
The very definition of one....
I think we ought to engage in series of intended actions through which to achieve a goal.
Yep, that sounds like a plan!!

 

by Pandeist
11-08-14
Dammit, I'm going to have sex with you and you're going to pay me for it! Got that!? Good!!

 

by Pandeist
11-09-14
Lord, I am about to thoroughly sexually molest this child. If this is not your will, please do something -- give me any kind of sign to stop....
here we go again....
....
....
Priests know how to work the system.
Nothing? Ok, fine -- have it your way!!

 

Someday it will be discovered that our Universe is an ever-unfolding map of its own unknown reality, constantly rewriting itself as it strives to learn its true meaning.
Damn, what was in that coffee? Suddenly I feel like a cartoon!! Well, like more of one....
by Pandeist, 11-09-14

 

by Pandeist
11-10-14
So then I told Onan that he'd better go fuck his dead brother's wife, and get her good and knocked up.
And he didn't do it?
He refused, and jerked off instead!! So I did the only thing I could reasonably do under the circumstances, which was to strike him dead on the spot.
Wait, did you strike him dead because he masturbated, or because he refused to follow your command?
Um.... Yes. It definitely had to have been one of those two.
?!?!

 

by Pandeist
11-11-14
SUICIDE BOMBING -- Aha!! Take that, infidels!!
And now I am in heaven to reap my reward -- where are my 72 virgins?
Oh, here I am, sonny....
It turns out Allah is like one of those genies who takes everything literally....
But-- but I thought all martyrs get 72 virgins?!?!
That's right, sonny. I'm a virgin, and 72. Every martyr gets one of me. I'll just go grab some lube -- I'm kind of dry down there.

 

by Pandeist
11-11-14
'Scuse me, I'm supposed to meet an old friend here, maybe you've seen him -- his name is Jesus Christ....
Hey Luce, it's me!! I'm Jesus!!
WHAT? But you-- you're--
--Yeah, I know, I've put on quite a bit of weight over the last 2000 years. It's from the medical marijuana-- just for my glaucoma.... But, hey, at least the beard *finally* filled in.
But you're Santa!!
That's right , biyatch, 'cause I've always been all about birthdays!!

 

by Pandeist
11-12-14
Attention corporate sponsors -- here's your opportunity to claw your way in on the ground floor of a webcomic with readership in the high single digits!!
Seriously? What kind of corporate sponsors do you think you'll get for a webcomic where you're not even creating the art?
Oh, you know, door to door marijuana salesmen.... independent fetish prostitutes.... your local Coca Cola bottling company....
In other words, things YOU would like to get for free?
And we have a winner!! "Mistress Cherry" from the corner of Bank Street and 44th Avenue North.
Call me if you hear from Monsanto. I'm breeding a corncob pipe that gets you crazy high.

 

Luckily, Peyo decided to call his little blue men "Smurfs," not "Dingles".... envision the confusion.... "Papa Dingle, Lazy Dingle is dingling around when he ought to be dingling dingleberries!!"
by Pandeist, 11-12-14

 

by Pandeist
11-12-14
Don Corleone sent me to tell you he wants you to cast his friend in your movie.
Never!!
The next morning....
Aaaah!! Aaaaaah!! Aaaaaaaaah!! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!

 

by Pandeist
11-12-14
Where did you come from? Are you an alien?
No, dummy, I'm a bridge troll. I live under the bridge, and you must pay my toll.
You live under a bridge? On what planet? Where is this bridge you live under?
Not *a* bridge, dummy, *the* bridge -- I have my lair 'neath the captain's chair!!
Spork, who are you talkin-- oh, hey, I see you've met our bridge troll, Hank. Sorry, but you have to give Hank a quarter if you want to cross the bridge. Union rules.
This is the most ridiculous starship I've ever seen.

 

....can't decide whether I'm a tall skull with big teeth .... or a Pac-Man ghost with no nose and six tiny feet....
by Pandeist, 11-13-14

 

I wash my hair with shampoo -- I use a really expensive one, but it works great!!
Yeah? I wash my hair with real poo. It's FREE!!
by Pandeist, 11-13-14

 

Aaaaaaaaaahhhh, my face!!
by Pandeist, 11-14-14

 

We're scrubbing bubbles!! Wheeee, make this toilet bowl shine!!
I just wiped up a poo streak!!
by Pandeist, 11-14-14

 

THERE IS NO GOD.
Wait, what?
by Pandeist, 11-14-14

 

by Pandeist
11-14-14
Let's go spelunking!! Don't worry, my belt doubles as a rope....
....so if we get lost, we can hang ourselves.

 

by Pandeist
11-14-14
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by Pandeist
11-14-14
Question: How many possible comic strips can be made with stripcreator?
Ignoring mirror images, there are (presently) 474 possible characters to put in each slot (including the null set, i.e. no character)
That's 224,676 possible character combos, just to start.... add to that 152 possible backgrounds, and its about 34 MILLION possible combinations. And that's just per panel.
A lot.
So we have 34 million combos for panel one; 34 million SQUARED for two panels, and 34 million CUBED (398 followed by 20 zeros) for three panels!!
Mother of fuck!!
And that's not even considering the possible number of WORDS which can be included within the 200 character per bubble limit.
Including spaces, there are 95 characters on the standard keyboard -- excluding 8000 Chinese letters like ����论 and stuff like Greek Ãï
So every freakin' word bubble can have 95 to the 200th power JUST regular English characters. TO BE CONTINUED!!

 

by Pandeist
11-14-14
Figuring out the number of possible comic strips continues....
But not every word bubble will use all 200 characters; there are 95 to the 200th power possible FULL word bubble, 95 to the 199th power possible word bubbles with one word to spare, and so on....
In mathematical notation we call this a "factorial" and use a ! to indicate that we're multiplying all "full" possibilities by every next possibility one step away from being "full."
And since any comic can have between one and nine independent bubbles (including narration, naturally), all must be multiplied in separately.
There's an easy trick to it tho -- 200 divided by two is 100, which is the average number of possible characters; 100 times 200 is 20,000 possible fullness states per speech bubble.
I am so aroused right now....
So each bubble really has 95 to the 20,000th power possible regular English keyboard characters. Take THAT to the 45th power and you have the number of possible combinations over up to three bubbles.
The number is so large, it cannot be expressed through comprehensible mathematics. But then again, very little here is comprehensible anyway. Blessings!!TO BE CONTINUED EVEN MORE!!

 

by Pandeist
11-14-14
But wait, there's EVEN MORE!!
So we've established that there's 95 to the 20,000th power possible English letter combinations per bubble -- though, naturally, most of those would be unintelligible....
s;i vuv35q t90&^UIH)_(*h vu3[D q09AP)|auw [0 f9u e[p 95vu[290a9a b ?()^xAiouDHW% UIh623*!!
But that is MULTIPLIED (again) by the number of possible character/background combinations per comic, which we found before was over 34 million cubed.
Essentially, that adds another 25 zeros to the end of the last number.
So the final number is something like 3 followed by 60,025 zeros -- absolutely mind-boggling!!
My submission to the American National Penis Joke competition was rejected as insufficiently saucy.

 
by Pandeist, 11-14-14

 

by Pandeist
11-15-14
Sorry buddy, this bar doesn't serve time travelers.
Hi!! I've come from the future, and I'd like to buy a drink!!

 

by Pandeist
11-15-14
I've come from the future to warn you not to go into the Cave of Woe.
What? The Cave of "Woah!!"? That sounds awesome.
I'm serious, bro, look what happens to you if you don't listen to me!!
Yeah. I might end up looking like a total douchebag like you!! HAHA!!
So it's right through there.... have fun.
The Cave of "Woah!!" Awesome!!

 

by Pandeist
11-15-14
Sir, people are accusing you of being another SC member called Brace-cane or something.
So? .... Wait a minute, why would somebody need both a *brace* and a *cane*?
Bad hips, I guess. But you're not Byce-clone -- you know what a "factorial" is and how to spell "plagiarism"....
Seems like their style is a somewhat rough approach at what I've mastered in the week that I've been here.
I've been staring at the panels for too long. Now I see four of them, and they're jumping out at me. Wait, I was supposed to ask....
Jealousy? Territorialism? Boredom and lack of class? Seen it all before (ho-hum). And wait till he gets a load of my original artwork....

 

by Pandeist
11-15-14
Lord, I've prayed and prayed for you to restore my ability to walk -- why do you not answer my prayers?
I sent stem cell researchers. But, you banned them. Tough luck.

 

by Pandeist
11-15-14
In order to show my support for the coal industry, I got one of those new coal-powered cell phones.
Yeah? Is that it in your pocket?
Oh, heck no, I keep it in the car. It's way too big to fit in my pocket. And it catches on fire all the time. But, great technology, coal is. Very modern.
Car's on fire.
Veeeery modern. Yep, support your local coal phone store....

 

Okay, on the count of three, we both turn our hoses on full blast. If my theory is right, this will create a beautiful rainbow!!
This is going to be soooo awesome!! ONE.... TWO....
by Pandeist, 11-15-14

 

by Pandeist
11-16-14
Two million years earlier, on the plains of the Serengeti....
unga bunga?
MONOLITH!!
Open the pod bay doors, B.O.B.
I'm afraid I can't do that, Dave. We've come too close to the event horizon. We'll fly right through the singularity, and travel back in tiiiime!! Yeeeehawwww!!
Two million years later, on the moon.... ........ BOM bom BOM bom BOM bom BOM bom BOM bommmm....
I miss that banana.
All these worlds are yours except Europa. Attempt no landing there.

 

by Pandeist
11-17-14
Anything coming out of your end?
Nothing. Man, I *told* you this two-headed hose wouldn't work.

 

by Pandeist
11-17-14
So, is Pandeist an alt of brycekain? Some people seem to think so....
....but if he is then he's playing it ingeniously....
But if he's not, he's playing it even more ingeniously, because people can't decide whether he is.
Unless it's both, and brycekain unwittingly has birthed a pandeistic emergent split personality expressing itself through SC.
Oh come on man, you can't gaslight somebody through a comic strip.
I'd agree except this is brycekain we're talking about. Either I'm him, or I'm playing him better than he plays him. Either way, we're all screwed.

 

by Pandeist
11-17-14
So.... tell me about yourself. What do you do for a living?
I'm a handmaiden. How about you?
I do stunt work in -- uh -- certain Japanese cartoons.
Well, um, that's nice.
She looked a LOT better on Tinder....
I'm just going to run to the ladies' room, back in a jif.

 

Gaslight.
Really? It's just that simple?
GASLIGHT!! GASLIGHT!! GASLIGHT!! ....GASLIGHT!!.... FIRE IN THE GASLIGHT HOLE!!
by Pandeist, 11-17-14

 

Down at the anti-pornography protest....
Ban the Internet!! Pornography promotes unhealthy, unrealistic depictions of sexuality!!
Excuse me, but if your problem is that pornography depicts sex wrong, then your solution is to get your ass in front of the camera and make "good" pornography which depicts healthy and realistic sex!!
by Pandeist, 11-17-14

 

Chulooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
I oppose gay marriage -- and I know JESUS agrees with me!! Ain't that right, Jesus? Jesus? Now, where'd he go?
....and by the power vested in me, I hereby pronounce Larry and Roger to be husband and husband.... Okay guys, kiss!!
by Pandeist, 11-18-14

 

by Pandeist
11-18-14
Hey there.... [wrrt] beautiful..... [bzzt] how about.... [brrt] ....we get it on....
NEGATIVE-I-AM-PROGRAMMED-AS-A-MALE-ROBOT-AS-WELL
Oops my bad.... [wzzt] It's hard to tell.... [brrt] because none.... [bzzt] ....of us have.... [brwzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzt] ....genitalia.

 

by Pandeist
11-18-14
So how many of these papers do you need me to go through this weekend?
All of them.
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by Pandeist
11-19-14
I've been given the very important task of transcribing this sermon.... must get it exactly right....
And remember folks, it's okay to be gay!! Let there be no confusion, being gay is just fine with me!!
....unwritten right from the start....
What? That can't be right.... I'll just put down "burn homos"....
....as with the cheesemakers and the marmosets and the penguins and the giraffes....

 

by Pandeist
11-20-14
Let's do sex!! But we must hurry, I have an advanced calculus class to teach this afternoon.
Oh yeah, sexy time, I geeeeve you what you neeeed baby!!
oh yes, touch me just like that.... that's so good.... okay, now, stick it in my A-hole!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What the.... why are you sticking it my B-hole?

 

by Pandeist
11-20-14
My superpowers are flying, bending steel, and shooting laser beams from my eyes. What are yours?
My farts reverse evolution.
What? That's ridiculous. That's the stupidest superpow--
*BRRRRAAAA-AAAAPPPPHPH*
-er I've ever heard of.
CAPTAIN PLANET!!!!

 

by Pandeist
11-20-14
Jesus!! When you were down on Earth a few months back, you left the water on!!
What!?!? Sheeit.... okay, let's go see the damage. I'm sure it's not too bad.
Not too bad? You flooded the place!! You idiot!!
Eh, big deal. Some people made it out in a boat full of animals. You overreact to everything. Lighten. The fuck. Up.
Later....

 

by Pandeist
11-20-14
Oh, hey, you're Jesus!! Can I get your autograph?
(sigh) No, I'm NOT Jesus. Never met the guy. What is it, do we crucified-people all look the same to you?
Sorry. You must get that all the time.
Honestly, I really don't see the resemblance.

 

by Pandeist
11-21-14
Quick follow up -- you "admitted" to being Pandeist, claiming that you "tried starting drama".... so really that means Pandeist is whichever stripper first claimed *you* were Pandeist, right?
I, brycekain, obviously had not thought of that, though it seems logical and correct. That's the claim which started the drama....
So, wait, is Pandeist actually brycekain.... or is Pandeist actually ....(gasp!!).... edoggydog?
I-- I honestly don't know anymore. Maybe I-- wait a minute, are you a skull with a few big teeth, or a short ghost with many small feet?
I wonder if Pandeist is actually RandomComic LayoutGuy?
at least we all know Pandeist can't *possibly* be Brad, right?....

 

---DIE, ARTICHOKE, ----DIE!!
In this scenario, I am an artichoke.
by Pandeist, 11-21-14

 

by Pandeist
11-21-14
Captain, sensors are picking up intelligent life under the seas of the planet below!!
Navigator, prepare to take us down!!
Meanwhile.... some kind of manta-ray looking thing....
....so tired.... think I'll just lay here in the sand and keep my eyes closed a while.... probably no alien life going to try to contact us today anyway....

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