All comics by Rockjock

 

by Rockjock
7-08-02
FIGHT CLUB goes to church
Would you like to confess your sins?
No. My name's Tyler Durden, and I came to kick your ass.
I've watched as you priests and other laity victimized children and hid behind your church and God almighty to justify your sins.
I'll give you some money if you leave me alone.
Now this is the Catholic church I grew up with.

 

by Rockjock
7-08-02
RJ investigates NYC
Yes sir, nothing like a walk through Manhattan....
Dude, what is with you?
I used to be an executive for Enron. Now the whole country hates me, my retirement fund is gone, and I can never work again. Could my life ghet any worse?
Someone just stole your jacket, bro.
Stop him! That had Martha Stewart's latest insider trade in there!

 

by Rockjock
7-09-02
Jesus, why are you so sad?
People have stopped caring. Look at the state of the world. Everyone is greedy, nobody cares for their neighbour anymore...
Why don't you just make them behave?
Because that would rob them of their free will. People need to be able to make their own choices.
I love you Jesus.
Aw, that's swell. Now would you help me down from here? I can only suffer for your sins for so long.

 

by Rockjock
7-09-02
What's wrong, little boy?
I took some bad ecstacy.
You shouldn't do that. They make that stuff out of Dran-o.
Do I look like I need a lecture? What kind of squirrel can talk anyway?
*squeak squeak*
Fuckin' right.

 

by Rockjock
7-09-02
Dude, appearing before the Senate Subcommittee on Business Ehics is nothing to get worried about.
What if I don't answer all of their questions properly? I could go to jail!
Hey, all you have to do is what I would do in a situation like this.
I'll give it a shot.
Now this looks like a job for me, 'cause we need an energy policy, so all you senators come with me, as we organize SR 603

 

by Rockjock
7-09-02
Robot Frank crosses over the Internet boundaries to attack the Lotus Position...
I, Robot Frank, have come to fight you, Rockjock! You are a wimp!
Whoa, chill out, crazy robot guy! What's your deal, anyway?
You are from Canada, and I don't like that! You must die!
Hang on a sec--what if I change my image a bit for you? Be right back...
Robot Ron! I am so in love with you!
Let's hope he doesn't want to "tinker with my camshaft."

 

by Rockjock
7-09-02
And now, a message from the Peoples' Board of Tourism...
Hello America people! We selected to represent Chinese government to tell you about wonders of China!
China is ancient civilization. Wonderful place to come and spend American tourist dollars! With that money, we build ICBMs and blow up your country!
China also have big cities you Americans love to gawk at while we pick your pockets!
Hang onto your kids, too! We have many, many sex slave owners who LOVE little virgin kids to sell!
This is where we live! We are being punished for being orphans! Thank you for the lovely home, Chairman Jiang!
We got to sleep now! Get up at five tomorrow to make George Foreman grills! Come see us soon, American people!

 

by Rockjock
7-09-02
Well little elf, are we ready to make toys for all the little good boys and girls this year? Ho ho ho!
Actually, you can eat it this year! We do all the work, and you get all the credit! And for Christ's sake, do you have to play fuckin' Christmas music all fuckin' year? How about some Nickelback, huh?
Ready to pull my sleigh, Rudolph?
Ready to tug my sack of goodies, Santa? I'm sick and tired of dragging your fat ass around the world. Lay off the milk and cookies already, tubbo.
Jesus, it's like nobody appreciates me around Christmastime anymore.
Holy fuck, are you talking to the wrong guy, fat boy.

 

by Rockjock
7-09-02
The two inventions debate...
Who has ruined more minds? I created "The Facts of LIfe"!
I created viruses which erase reams of data!
I make celebrities box each other for booze money!
I have nude picures of Dr. Laura!
Oh you sick little fuck!
BEHOLD THE SAG!

 

by Rockjock
7-09-02
Robot Frank and "Robot" RJ search the mean streets of Manhattan....
I have to follow him...see what he's up to...
Follow me! We are going to beat up Mayor Bloomberg!
Dude, let's just hang out in Times Square or something.
What? You always like to fight people. Would you feel better if I kick you in the nuts?
Uh...I'll be good!
That's the spirit! We will go to Burger King later!

 

by Rockjock
7-09-02
That tears it! You can go fuck yourself with a Black and Decker, bud! Get whacked by Bloomberg's security, see if I care!
Fine! You are an asshole, Robot Ron!
Bloomberg! I will kick your ass, bitch!
Ay-yo, who da fuck do youze think you is fuckin' wit' ovah heah, huh?
Brings it on, asshole! Youze is gonna die!
Man, that Mike sure does catch on fast to New York living!

 

by Rockjock
7-09-02
I'm so glad we get to talk like this.
Oh me too. Listen, I have to head to the store. Would you like anything?
Oh, don't trouble yourself...
Okay, be back in a bit!
Cunt.

 

by Rockjock
7-09-02
Rockjock and his Enron executive pal continue on their tour of Manmhattan...
Where are we going this time?
Central Park. I figured we could go yell at some hippies.
That doesn't sound like fun at all!
Trust me. You just have to get in the spirit.
Yo dickhead! Performance art is passe!
Fuck off, man. I paid $80,000 in tuition to learn this shit!

 

by Rockjock
7-09-02
RJ continues to cajole the hippie...
Man, get a job! That's what I did!
Dude, will you not leave me alone? You proved your point, I wasted my life, all right?
Good! Now renounce these liberal idealistic values and join me in the world of greed and being uptight.
That does it! Prepare to die, bitch!
Ugh, come back and...fight....ugh....
Heh. Don't fuck with a meat eater, vegan dumbass.

 

by Rockjock
7-09-02
Get ready for the white-bread sounds of FUNKY FRESH CALEB!
Yo, I'm the fresh dog on the mic tonight/The ladies all love me 'cause I rock the mic right
Some sucka MC steps up to the kid/I beat they sorry ass like my momma did
Any foo' doggin' me, I bust out my gat/I pop 'em a cap and ask "How'd ya like that?"
Bruthas wanna be me, playas wanna hate/Foo's don't unnastand, suckas can't relate
Caleb, sweetie? Would you like to go to Chuck E. Cheese for dinner, pumpkin? Wear your purple pullover, you look so handsome in that.
Yo, I gots ta get me a slice, know what I'm shizzayin'? Peace, yo!

 

by Rockjock
7-10-02
Rockjock pays a visit to David Blaine, performing his latest feat of non-magic...
Watch as I attempt to pour liquid hydrogen on my balls after six days without food or sleep.
Bro, has anyone sat down with you and explained that what you' re doing isn't magic at all, just ridiculous and dangerous publicity stunts!
Hey man, tha song "Ironic" didn't have one damn ironic thing happen in it.
I see. So a songwriter's ignorance is all the excuse you need for deception?
Um....I'm not really here! It's an illusion!
Nice try, Copperfield.

 

by Rockjock
7-10-02
Hello! I am a donkey!
And I am an elephant! We're here to demonstrate why there should be only a two-party system in the States!
You see, big choices make people all sorts of mad. We rectified it by making it impossible for other people to get into the system!
People like Pat Buchannan and Ross Perot were demonized by the media as being either bigots or crazy. Thanks for sticking up for mundane, press!
Oh dear! We seem to have reverted to our true form.
Oh, don't look so surprised. You suspected all along, right?

 

by Rockjock
7-10-02
Snuggle Jive meets up with "The Man"...
All right, Snuggle Jive, this time you're screwed. I caught you with eight grams of hashish oil and a dead prostitute.
Hey come on, sucka. Why you trippin' on an entrepeneur like myself?
Snuggle Jive meets up with "The Man"...
I'm just giving the public what it needs, yo. A brutha like me needs to survive the only way he knows how.
Snuggle Jive meets up with "The Man"...
Fuck, would you just give me my bribe already, or do I have to go Rodney King on your ass?
Yo, the bitch is in the back.

 

by Rockjock
7-10-02
Heigh-ho, history, away!
D'oh, the sight of that flag makes me so mad!
When I'm offended by the sight of something, I don't just let it go or ask the man politely to put it away! No, like any patriotic American, I organize a frivilous politicized lawsuit!
That where I, GLORIA ALLRED, take the opportunity to glom onto a cause to call attention to myself!
Wow! I've seen you in all the papers, lady.
That's pronounced "womyn", homophobe.

 

by Rockjock
7-10-02
I'm going to sue you racist Southerners for all you have! Did I mention my name is GLORIA ALLRED?
Aw, give us a break, lady. Okay, some evil things were perpetrated under this flag, but it's a part of our history, and denying it is a distortion of the American culture.
This is so typical of the Southern mentality. Hiding your racism under the guise of historical accuracy!
Say, for someone with a reputation for a "progressive" mindset, you sure do make a lot of broad, sweeping generalizatins about large groups of people.
Um......did you just call me a FAGGOT?!?
Boys, present arms and fire on my mark.

 

by Rockjock
7-10-02
What women talk about...
Do you like my new hair style? I was thinking of going a bit shorter--
No no! It looks great the way it is! You made the right decision.
What women want to talk about...
I only dress this way to impress men, which makes me hate myself later.
Your aggressive sexuality makes me feel inferior to you.
What men think women talk about...
Would you like to get naked and sweaty here on the rug?
I'll invite my girlfriends over.

 

by Rockjock
7-10-02
The debate over Callista Flockhart and Lara Flynn Boyle over who is the bonier fuck!
Callista, I can still see some marrow in those bones, you porker!
Please, Lara! If you were any fatter I'd have to look twice just to take it all in, you heifer!
Paul Verhouven and Joe Esterhauz team up for "Showgirls 2"
And we could have Nomi have sex with a horse while her boss watches and masturbates!
Is that pertinent to the plot? *sputter* BA HAH HAH! Oh man, I'm just fuckin' with you...
And...undoing of the bad English translation skills of Japanese programmers when designing video games for American youths!
All your base are belong to us!
Me think fun sound!

 

by Rockjock
7-10-02
Tonight on "Alias", Sydney finally kicks the shit out of creepy reporter guy, only to come home to a stranger waiting for her...
How did you get in here? I'm a top secret counter-agent for the CIA, and you managed to bypass all my security devices?
Hey babe, the Rockjock knows all the tricks to the spy game!
Oh yeah? And how would you go about getting top secret information out of me?
Heh heh heh...
Oh God! That's the spot! THAT'S IT! Unnnhhh....
Would it helped if I hummed? Hmm hmm hmmmmm...

 

by Rockjock
7-10-02
Whoa, who the hell are you?
I'm John Walker Lindh. The feds let me go on account of being a complete asswipe and no threat to anyone but myself.
I don't blame you for being upset. I've noticed that Americans have violent tendencies, and tend to lash out at others whom they don't understand.
Wow, I'm glad you see it my way.
Know what else I found out? Kicking John Walker Lindh in the balls is much more satisfying than I could have ever hoped.
OW! I am so fucking killing you!

 

by Rockjock
7-10-02
Meanwhile, the proprietor of The Lotus Position has a revalation...
Hmmm, what if we did away with the song association threads altogether and focus on serious issues? Nah...
Lotus, I think someone's coming back. It sounds like...Rockjock!
Lotus, Pez, what's up? I brought someone who I think can keep those trollers off the boards.
I fight evil in my spare time! I will punch flamers so hard they will DIE!
Robot Frank everyone. Er, I'll try to fix him.

 

by Rockjock
7-10-02
Say Carl, did you watch the ball game last night? I think the Mets could take the pennant.
Herman, what are we doing here?
What do you mean, Carl?
I'm a dinosaur holding a cup of coffee. You are some lizard that science can't even account for, and we're both working in some office setting. Is there any realism to this premise at all?
Fine. There ya go, smart-ass.
Jesus Christ, Herman, what the fuck are you now?

 

by Rockjock
7-10-02
Time now for Super Fun Dance Party Land!
What you need to get your groove on, baby!
Yah! In this country I'm considered "ethnic"!
Feel the vibe as we walk you into a state of perpetual groovticity!
Yo, throw me some love and pump the beat!
But paradise is not without its price...
This place is super-awesome!
YOU! You are not funky or groovetastic! I sentence you to die!

 

by Rockjock
7-10-02
Logging onto battle.net...
So let's see, we have a 7 vs. 1 comp stomp, 6 vs. 1 comp stomp...
U want to play? Howz my lag?
Oh Christ, I have to stay away from the newbie contingent in this place.
U R 2g. Let's gogogogogogogogogogo
You know, I hear some people of moderate intelligence are playing Counterstrike.
LOL! U R 2 fune!

 

by Rockjock
7-10-02
Check this out...
Hey Jesus. I heard you went fishing yesterday and caught something. How big would you say it was?
Bastard...

 

by Rockjock
7-10-02
Dude, what's your mercury count?
Aw man, don't tell me you're one of these doomsday mercury disaster fish! That's just a myth dreamed up by radical ecologists!
Hey, if you build up too much of it in your system, you'll die!
Yes, but chances are that some asshole surface dweller will catch us, eat us and die himself.
Do you want to have sex?
Beats swimming.

 

by Rockjock
7-11-02
And over here class, you'll find that the rocks are layered, which is a pretty good indicator that they're sedimentary.
Holy crap, do I hate field trips.
CALGON! TAKE ME AWAY!
Ah, Christ.

 

by Rockjock
7-11-02
Hello, it looks as if you want to write a letter.
Would you like me to * Assist you in letter composition * Leave you the fuck alone already * Enact the BSOD
Too bad! Blue Screen of Death for you, fuckhead!

 

by Rockjock
7-11-02
Says here "If you are attempting to connect to the ICP/TP transfer protocol, you will have to augment the G380-TC motherboard with an 8.4 rad HPC."
I just want porn is all....

 

by Rockjock
7-11-02
Howdy, y'all. You may remember me as the Marlboro Man. They had to take my advertising out of stores because I sell so many dang cigarettes.
Folks do die of lung cancer from this here product, and for that I'm sorry.
But in fairness, we print warning labels on the packets, and if your grandma is too much of a stupid bitch to read the pack, fuck her. She was dead already. A message from the good folks at Marlboro.

 

by Rockjock
7-11-02
Thank God it's Friday...

 

by Rockjock
7-11-02
Time to follow pop sensation Funky Fresh Caleb as he tries to get some stanky on his hang-low!
Yo, sup bizzatch! You wanna get 'cho groove on?
Until you learn to talk with some respect, fuck off.
Yo, let's get some shizzah on mah chizzah!
Jesus, do you even know what you're saying? Try growing up first, shrimp.
Yo, I be lookin' to get my freak on!
Thank you, Satan!

 

by Rockjock
7-11-02
You blink! We win!
Hand over wallet!

 

by Rockjock
7-11-02
Once again, Rockjock logs into battle.net to find a rich assortment of cheaters and all-around dickheads to combat.
Okay, we beat the comp. Is everyone allied up?
Hahaha, we R not allyd with U>
Hey you little cheating bastards! Are you just trying to screw me out of win?
No, U R not fiting rite
Don't make me get Brood War.
ok ok U win. Want 2 join a clan?

 

by Rockjock
7-11-02
Rockjock will now walk you through the subtlties of Starcraft newbie idiocy.
Foremost is the inability to compose a coherent sentence. They will typically shortcut complicated words like "to" with numbers.
R U talkin 2 me?
The person who is first to transmit advice to another player will be the first one dead, because he can't concentrate on his own buildup of defence.
more SCVs! oops I die
Finally they will try to entice you into joining a "clan", which is a group of idiots who railroad unsuspecting players into games, then either quit fifteen seconds in or will un-ally and betray you.
hahaha that iz good 1 i do it all the time

 

by Rockjock
7-11-02
Meet the people behind Geocities web pages!
I like to give out the formula for napalm and botulin toxin. I do this in the name of "freedom".
I post about a zillion pictures of my cat at every angle! I wubs my cat, yes I do!
I write about how the Autobots were all homos. Look at their names! "Prowl". On the prowl for some robot ass, I bet.
I sell prescription drugs to foreign countries that explicity prohibit their sales domestically. It's called globalization, Sweden!
I write about ninjas and wizards and stuff that is REALLY COOL.
I just try not to be like these guys.

 

by Rockjock
7-12-02
Lucasfilm Entertainment presents Star Wars: Episode 3, Uprising of the Obsessed Geek
Darth Virgin, we are targeting George Lucas's house with the Death Star laser.
Excellent! Soon even the master himself will learn it is an abomination to mess with the ways of the Jedi!
Master, is this just? It is difficult to surprise anyone with plot details. Can you blame him for solely relying on gee-whiz CGI?
Care for a demonstration of the power of the force, underling? Make with the kablooey.
George! W-what are you doing here?
Jake, I know you got panned as Anakin. That was your own fault. Now set the Death Star down and let's talk about this.

 

by Rockjock
7-12-02
Wherever ther is danger, that's where you find me, Captain Little Penis!
You see how clever I am? The CLP adorning my costume are in the shape of a phallus! Is that not clever?
That didn't go well at all.

 

by Rockjock
7-12-02
Colin Powell briefs the prez on matters of national urgency.
Sir, one of our top military advisers has recommended a fool-proof plan for infiltraing Hussein's impermeable fortress.
Lay it on me, Jamaica Joe.
He recommends a solitary photon torpedo launched at the precise moment into the main intake port, knocking out the main energy core.
Huh, that's brilliant! Who is this dude? I want to give him a medal.
General Akhbar, at your command.
Yowch! Hiring you musta single-handedly filled my minority hiring quota.

 

by Rockjock
7-12-02
Meh?
Ach, that's the stoof...
MEH?!
Keep wurkin' it...
MEEEEEH!!!!!
Ach, get yer arse boch here, goateh! Ah'm not doon!

 

by Rockjock
7-13-02
A message from Snuggle Jive's "Adopt-a-Ho" program
Wassup, y'all! Did you know we gots lots o' hos that needs yo' financial support? Dat's right!
I should know--I've been doing this for thirty-seven years now.
No stank ho should have to live like this. For fitty bones a day, you can keep dem off da streets and still let me drive my lime-green '79 El Camino.
God, don't force me to have to work at TCBY!
So word, peep this y'all. Send me the money, and you can sponsor Himiko here so she can go home again. Jus' activate my beeper.
Send money...PLEASE! I MISS MY MOMMY!

 

by Rockjock
7-13-02
Wasn't me...
Don't give me that!

 

by Rockjock
7-13-02
It looks like the end for us, but you know what they say: "There are no atheists in a foxhole."
Hey, I'm an atheist.
Sully! NO!
This way, please.
Ah, nuts.

 

by Rockjock
7-13-02
Rock meets up with Dennis Miller in Manhattan.
Miller! You rule, man! I've never seen anyone attack the conventional stupidity like you.
Hey, you're beautiful, cha-cha. This city makes me feel like Spicoli lip-reading through Kierkegaard.
Um...
And Christ, can you believe I was replaced by John Madden? This geezer's so old his last wife was Ausrtalopithecus.
This isn't as fun as I thought it would be...
Hey where ya goin', Freud-case? You dress like Jack Kerouac and Sylvia Plath had a kid they WANTED. Hah-HAH!

 

by Rockjock
7-13-02
Walt Disney presents Lilo and Stitch 2
This crazy! Nobody believe I doggy!
Oh come on! Remember the Hawaiian saying, "Mi luka hulapuni", or "People too stupid to believe their own eyes."
Stitch glad you love him so much.
Aw, well I love you too, Stitch.
This make colonization of puny Earth harder...
Sis was right, we should have had you neutered.

 

by Rockjock
7-13-02
Wow, this is fantastic! I knew it, aliens in the universe!
We are pleased that you are a benevolent species, Earthman.
Well, humans have been rather brutal in the past, but everyone makes mistakes.
Your vast histroy has much to tell us about you, I am sure.
Glad to be of help. So, what are your plans for me first?
Let me be blunt: this is going in your ass.

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