All comics by Scyess

Profile

 

by Scyess
9-28-02
Hey, Tataki! What do you get when you cross a dork with a Cadillac?
I dunno. What?
**~~~THUD!~~~**
The irony is he was just telling me this joke when you hit him...
Irony my ass. I bought the Caddy and've been tailing him ever since he told me that lame-ass joke last week.

 

by Scyess
9-28-02
...so there's no chance of you and I getting together?
Like I told you... Only if you were the last guy on Earth.
Aha! How about now?
Now I either roam the Earth looking for proof every other male human is gone, or I kick your ass for trying to trick me by playing Independence_Day on your rear-projection TV.

 

by Scyess
9-30-02
Well, doc, it's my shoulder. It's stiff when I wake up in the morning.
...interesting. Have you tried sleeping past noon?
You know those commercials that say, "Nine out of ten doctors recommend..."? You're the tenth, aren't you?
Guilty!

 

by Scyess
9-30-02
Before I begin your brain surgery, I'd like to take this moment to scoff at all the skeptics who thought I'd never make it with a medical degree from a correspondence course.
That's just a little pre-neurosurgery humor.
Oh, look! It's a miracle! I'm all better! I'll just be going now...

 

by Scyess
9-30-02
Doctor! Doctor, give me the news!
I've got a bad case of loving you!
Uh, really what I was hoping for was just my test results.
Sorry, I just can't resist quoting those old songs. You've got a week to live.

 

by Scyess
10-01-02
Hi, Doc. I'm here for my tonsilectomy.
Great, Jon. I think you'll find it's normally a simple and painless procedure.
...except I just found out that your pathetic health insurance doesn't begin to cover my fees. My replacement will be with you shortly.
Avast, ye dog! Open up ye scurvy gullet an' I'll have at them tonsilies!
...I think I'll just step across the border and have this done in Canada for free.

 

by Scyess
10-01-02
Pardon me, I saw you from over there and wanted to tell you how beautiful you are, but now that I'm here I find there are no words to describe it.
Aw!
Of course, I suppose I could make up some words. But then you wouldn't know what they mean. I'd have to tell you first.
Er...
Or I could go back in time and have you learn them from birth, so you'd intrinsically understand... man, I think I feel a masters' thesis coming on...
Well, at least one of us is getting something out of this relationship.

 

by Scyess
10-01-02
Dammit, if you don't get away from that computer and go outside for once, I'm going to...
All right, all right... I'll go...
uuhhh...
I thought you were going outside.
I went. But I couldn't figure out how to level up, so I came back.

 

by Scyess
10-01-02
What's the word, doc?
There's good news, and there's bad news. The bad news is I've diagnosed you as only having a week to live.
I guess the good news is your only medical qualification is the white lab coat you got at a garage sale.
Don't forget the bushy hair.

 

by Scyess
10-01-02
Four out of five doctors recommend Yukinine for your medical needs.
...and don't worry; we'll soon own the 5th, too.
Help!

 

by Scyess
10-01-02
What the...? What happened...? Where am I? Who are you? What's that awful smell?
I'm Dr. Balsniph. You, sir have been part of a revolutionary experiment whereupon I swap the skin inside your nose with the skin from your scrotum.
So what I'm smelling is...
...your own crotch. And you'll be smelling it forever, which means my experiment is a momentous success!
We'll see how successful you feel when I sick every lawyer in town on your ass, pervert.
Oh, and before you go wasting your money on lawyers, I'd read the fine print on your organ donor card.

 

by Scyess
10-03-02
ARGH!
Yep. Checkmate. I win again.
Damn. What could be worse than being beaten at chess by cattle?
How about being dipped in acid before being eaten alive by fire ants?
Well, yeah, I guess that would be worse.
Then I'd recommend you get away from the "loser" chair as quickly as possible.

 

by Scyess
10-04-02
So you'll only date rich guys. I'm not wealthy, but I wouldn't date a girl like you anyway, so it doesn't bother me that you won't have me.
I know. But since you're poor, the fact that you're not bothered by my rejection doesn't bother me.
I know. THAT's what bothers me.
I know.

 

by Scyess
10-06-02
Don't be nervous. Mamograms are just a routine way of checking for breast cancer.
I'm not nervous, but this plate is cold... and what's that plate above for?
***~~SMASH!!~~***
Don't forget your bra on the way out.
Keep it. I think now a manilla folder might fit better.

 

by Scyess
10-06-02
If I had to be any kind of cancer, I'd definitely want to be breast cancer.
You insensitive bastard! Do you have any idea how many women die of breast cancer each year?
No. Do you?
Uh, no, not really.
...you were saying?
...and if I had to be a pasta, I'd be the pasta shaped like breasts.

 

by Scyess
10-07-02
Okay, doc... I'm ready. How are my test results looking?
Great!
*whew!* That's a relief!
I'll say; you have breast cancer out the wazoo and will need years of surgery and therapy just to stay alive!
What the fuck is so "great" about that?
Well, you're fully insured and I've always wanted a Ferrari.

 

by Scyess
10-07-02
Honey, would you love me just as much if I had to have my breast removed to save my life?
No.
That wasn't really the answer I was looking for.
You're blocking the TV.

 

by Scyess
10-07-02
Woof woof!
What's that, girl? Timmy's stuck in the well?
Woof woof woof!
I'll go phone help, you go tell grampa!
Christ; I just wanted some friggin' Alpo. Why does he always have to be so melodramatic?

 

by Scyess
10-07-02
Woof!
Okay, girl! Let's go find Timmy! Go!
Woof woof!
*pant pant* Are we getting close yet, girl?
Just keep following, sucker.

 

by Scyess
10-07-02
Woof woof!
Woof woof woof!
Call me cynical, but I'm beginning to think Timmy isn't really stuck in the well, but this is just some sort of elaborate put-on.
No, there's a well on this spaceship somewhere. I swear.

 

by Scyess
10-07-02
Woof woof! ________________ What's that, girl? Timmy's trapped in a well in here?
What? Where? I don't see a well in here...
Woof woof woof! ________________ **SLAM!** *click*
Um, Lassie? What are you doing? Unlock the door, girl.
Not until we have a nice long talk about the little "rolled up newspaper" incident last June...

 

by Scyess
10-07-02
So Timmy's trapped in here, girl?
Woof woof!
***~~SLAM!~~***
Hi, June.
Paw! Lassie brought me! Where's Timmy?
After you've been in here a few days, June, it may dawn on you, as it has me, that we don't know anyone named "Timmy."
It's already dawned on me that maniacal laughter sounds even more maniacal when it comes from a dog.

 

by Scyess
10-07-02
Since Lassie deserted us, maybe I can use my credit card to jimmy the lock and get out of this mess...
Wait... my wallet! It's gone! Could things get any worse?
Thank you for ordering "Uncensored! Poodles Gone Wild" on Pay-Per-View...
All right! Take it off, Fifi!

 

by Scyess
10-07-02
C'mon, Lassie! That's a good girl. Just unlock the door... c'mon, Lassie...
I'll give you double your food every night... and you can eat at the table... and lick yourself in the living room, even when company's over...
All right, all right... I'll give you back what's left of the 2 ki's I confiscated from you that night you and Benji got busted for crapping on Lionel Richie's sidewalk.
*click*

 

by Scyess
10-07-02
Hi, there, Lassie! Wanna treat? Okay, girl! Sit for the treat! Now roll over! Sit up! Play dead! Shake! Beg!
*******~~~~~~~CHOMP!~~~~~~~*******
AWK!
Damn, girl. You've got to stop eating people. I'd punish you if that guy weren't such a bloody jerk.
Quit yer bitchin'. I saved you a thigh, didn't I?

 

by Scyess
10-07-02
We now join the heart-warming tale of a boy and his faithful pet in, "The New Lassie."
I love you, girl!
Woof woof!
Our story begins as paw discovers that...
Hey! What are you doing? Pan up! Pan up!
Uh, woof?
Sorry.
Well, at least they know why it's called "The NEW Lassie."
If you'll pardon me, I'm going to lay a few million eggs in a certain camera man's pancreas.

 

by Scyess
10-07-02
Through rain, sleet, snow, and hail, we, the US Postal Service, will do what it takes to deliver the mail!
You tracked me to my cave in the Rocky mountains to deliver me this letter?
Yep! You're in my zip code, after all.
Dear scumbag... blah blah blah... owe $340,000... blah blah blah... payment due immediately upon recipt of this notice.
Damn... I guess I can't really mail the parts back to his family.

 

by Scyess
10-07-02
Geez, what's your problem, you stupid cow?
Aiye! I can't believe you called me that! I'm so offended!
Did you hear what he just called me? I've never been so offended in my life.
You're offended at being called a cow? Now I'm offended.
...so I ate her.
Geez... I don't know why all his stories have to end the same way.

 

by Scyess
10-11-02
Talking like Mugabe: But Namibia's Sam Nujoma is not as Reckless as He Sounds
Nambian President Sam Nujoma, citing that Nambians are angry at the high percentage of white-controlled farms...
SNORE!
Talking like Mugabe: But Namibia's Sam Nujoma is not as Reckless as He Sounds
Wake up, you ignorant asses! This is the world we live in, and you should learn about it.
But it's BORING! We don't even know what a Nambia is! As the American public, we demand news we care about, not that crap you're saying.
NEWS FLASH: Singer Belafonte Likens Powell to 'House Slave'
*sigh* In other news, an ex-singer and bad actor made critical and vaguely racist comments about Colin Powell today.
Now THAT's news we can use!

 

by Scyess
10-11-02
Okay, we'll give you 0% financing, plus we'll have our Shaft look-alike, Maurice, give you head in the backseat once a week.
Uh... that won't really be necessary...
Well, our other plan involves 7% monthly interest and a we keep Maurice away from you. Don't buy the car and we can't be too sure.
Yes, yes, I'll take the car at 7%! Wow, what a deal.
Slow sales they say? Customer incentives, says I.

 

by Scyess
10-11-02
...in other news, ... Fur Flies in Critter Crowd...
Um, you don't really expect me to read this atrocious headline, do you?
Gee, I'm sorry... your job application seems to say "reporter," not "writer." Now read the fucking line.
I guess I really shouldn't have expected more than this for majoring in journalism.
And hold the cat higher -- let's get this right in the next take before the acid wears off.

 

by Scyess
10-11-02
And I would like to thank each and every ones of you for helpin' to keep da heroin pure for not just me but other tax-payin', law-abidin'...
*CLUNK*
No, no! I'm okay! But I would like to thank each and every ones of you for helpin'...
Baliff, give this man his $2.2 bil and kick his ass out of my court.

 

by Scyess
10-12-02
The name's Bond... Jim Bond.
"James!" Cut! Cut! Your name is "James" Bond, not Jim!
Sorry, I forget. Can I request a short break to go have a bagel?
Okay, FINE. Man... you have to be the crappiest James Bond ever.
Oh my God! The cream cheese is rising up! It's COMING STRAIGHT AT ME!
Serves him right.

 

by Scyess
10-12-02
Hey, DJ! This fucking music is shit! I didn't fly all the way to Bali to hear this crap. What is it, anyway?
It's the new track by "Death Toll." You don't like it?
Everyone the whole club thinks it's awful.
Wait... I'll crank it up to 54 decibels...
No, everyone still hates it. They're all leaving.
Okay, fine; I'll put in this sweet remix of The Best of The Sound of Music.

 

by Scyess
10-12-02
*whew* I've finally gotten this bug out of my program!
Yes, and now I'm behind you! Haha!
STOMP STOMP STOMP STOMP STOMP STOMP STOMP STOMP STOMP STOMP STOMP STOMP STOMP STOMP STOMP STOMP
YYYYEEEEEEAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
Actually, I'm sort of glad I wasn't just flushed down the toilet again.
A word of advice: never play mind tricks on someone who's been trying to teach himself BASIC for the last 40 hours straight.

 

by Scyess
10-15-02
Imagine you and me. Imagine a tropical beach. Imagine the sunset as I slowly rub lotion on your shoulders...
Imagine your testicles. Imagine a spit over an open fire. Imagine a zesty lemon-pepper Szechuan sauce.
Uhhh... Imagine we never met.
I imagine that won't be difficult.

 

by Scyess
10-15-02
If elected I promise to lower taxes without increasing the deficit by eliminating government waste. I will also crack down on crime and boost education.
Furthermore, I will see to it that each American's home is filled with the thick, warm scent of my ass.
I don't think the Flatulence Party will make much of a showing at the polls this year...

 

by Scyess
10-15-02
I know what you're thinking. You're thinking I'm just another nigger faggot, right? Well, I don't need stereotypes from you, you racist prick.
I'm black and I like cock, but I have just as much right to exist as you or anyone else. You and your Nazi friends will just have to fucking live with it. So KISS MY BLACK ASS!
Who the hell was that?
I don't know, but I'm pretty sure he was gay, and possibly black.

 

by Scyess
10-15-02
You want raw steak again? Don't you ever crave variety?
Hm... Maybe you're right...
Tonight I think I'll start with a herbed lamb salad, followed by Les Crêpes Farcies au Poulet, with Thai duck, almond, and artichoke curry for an entree, topped off with an espresso creme brulee.
Um, you want anything with your steak?
Ketchup will be fine.

 

by Scyess
10-17-02
I mean, we're good friends, but we could be much more. I am more than the simple image of myself that you've created in your mind.
I have depth! I have feeling! Together we could explore our emotions! Lo, but with potential for love I am filled to the very brim!
Lo, but with my own underwear I am wedgied to my very neck.
I think your medical insurance premiums might go down if you stopped gushing pathos on martial-arts experts.

 

by Scyess
10-17-02
Pessimist
That glass is half empty.
Optimist
That glass is half full.
Pragmatist
Who the heck would drink that much transmission fluid?

 

by Scyess
10-17-02
Fatalist
Oh, well. I guess half my beverage is gone.
Cubist
That glass is too round.
Humorist
So, half a glass of water walks into a bar...
Oh, lord, not this one AGAIN.

 

by Scyess
10-17-02
Spiritualist
It is God's will that there is only half a glass of water.
Catalyst
I wish water didn't boil whenever I get near it.
Fish
Can't... breathe... need... more... water...

 

by Scyess
10-17-02
Dammit, Cowdjinn, I've tried everything possible to find a girlfriend!
I've learned to dance, I've taught myself ten languages, I've become a master lutanist, I've memorized every plant and animal in the encyclopedia, including habitat, preferred foods, and flavor...
That's great, but you might want to try occasionally leaving the house.
But who would monitor my revolutionary pheromone experiements!!?!

 

by Scyess
10-18-02
I've done it! I've done it! I've created artificial rain clouds!
*crack* ***K A B O O M!!!***
LIGHTNING THUNDER
TORRENTIAL RAIN
Uh, maybe I should've taken your advice and moved the lab OUT of our house.
Where did the coral come from?

 

by Scyess
10-18-02
What can we do now that I've flooded our house?
I'll bet you feel like such a louse.
I could get a water pump...
...maybe from the city dump!
You don't seem to be taking our catastrophe very seriously.
How can you be serious when you've been talking with a pink cow under water for five minutes?

 

by Scyess
10-18-02
*KNOCK KNOCK*
Oh, crap... it's already 3:00; Jim is at the front door and the house is still flooded. What should we do?
This... IT'S OPEN! COME IN!
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSSHHHH
*click*
Well, the house is emptied, but that sounds a lot like Jim loading his .357 Magnum.
The fool, his powder can't possibly still be dry. ...I'll be in the closet if you need me.

 

by Scyess
10-22-02
The LORD said to Moses,
Lift up your rod, and stretch out your hand over the sea and divide it, that the people of Israel may go on dry ground_through_the_sea.
...And the Egyptians shall know that I am the LORD, when I have gotten glory over Pharaoh, his chariots, and his horsemen.
And Moses said
You've got kind of an ego thing going, don't you?
Look, do you want my help or not?

 

by Scyess
10-22-02
The LORD said to Moses
Command the people of Israel, and say to them, When you enter the land of Canaan, your south side shall be from the wilderness of Zin along the side of Edom, and your southern boundry shall be from
the end of the Salt Sea on the east; and your boundary shall turn south of the ascent of Akrab'bim, and cross to Zin, and its end shall be south of Ka'desh-bar; then it shall go on to Ha'zar-ad'dar
and pass along to Azmon; and the boundary shall turn from Azmon to the Brook of Egypt, and its termination shall be at the sea. Are you writing this down?
I can tell right now this is going to end up as one of those "untold" religious stories.

 

by Scyess
10-22-02
The proverbs of Solomon
My son, if you receive my words and_treasure_up_my commandments with you, making your ear attentive to wisdom and inclining your heart to understanding;
yes, if you cry out for insight and raise your voice for understanding, if you seek it like silver and search for it as for hidden treasures;
if you... um, drive the Volvo of knowldge through the turnpike of, er... um... where was I again?
Jeez, Dad, maybe we should continue this conversation when you learn how to finish a bloody sentence.

Showing page 12.

« Previous Next »