All comics by mmyers

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by mmyers
12-10-03
Why do you keep going back to this Star Trek story?
Well, only because, in all of the history of Stripcreator, there has never been a bi-racial kiss.
Sure.
And I thought, you know, to bring SC into the new millinium, you know, maybe there should be. A bi-racial kiss. And since we're here and all...
I don't think Stripcreator has the kind of art that would allow that.
Do you think it's because Brad's a rascist?

 

by mmyers
12-10-03
I only have one position and you're looking at it. If this is going to happen, it's all on you.
Let me stretch my arm out and try to pull you close. Ughn. I can't reach you.
Come to think of it, we've had some space between us the whole date.
That prejudice, prejudice bastard. Stop the player hating, Brad! Let love rule! Wait, I have an idea.
Several minutes of serious smooching later...
Wow, you're a great kisser. And the caption bubble allowed us some privacy too.
Yep, I guess SC will have to wait a few more years before they get an on-panel kiss.

 

by mmyers
12-10-03
They have the Nike Supremacy, so we can have the ProWing Dominator! They have The UpTempo so we can have the Ked UpBeat.
They've got the Nike Air Zoom Flash, we'll have the Zip's Zipper! They've got the Shox, so we'll have the Absorber.
Mr. Duber, Mr. Proctor, Nike just came out with a new shoe, the Air Zoom Flash! What will we do?!
Put on a pot of coffee, Chester, we've got a long night ahead of us. We've got to have these selling on the streets before Christmas.
Let's hope we have a little bit of that old magic that created the ProWing Super Blazer back in '85. Top of my head, how about the Hang Time Jump Smasher?

 

by mmyers
12-11-03
4:00 AM, my apartment: *Boom, boom, ba-bump* *Boom, boom, ba-bump* *Boom, boom, ba-bump*
That music is going to drive me nuts. I can't sleep.
I know, that's why I'm getting dressed.
*Boom, boom, ba-bump* *Boom, boom, ba-bump* *Boom, boom, ba-bump*
What are you going to do?
I'm going to say, "Hello, who is it? Yo it's Ice Cube come to pay a little visit..."
*Boom, boom, ba-bump* *Boom, boom, ba-bump* *Boom, boom, ba-bump*
Nothing good can come from quoting Ice Cube at 4 in the morning.

 

by mmyers
12-11-03
Boy, this year is going to be an interesting one.
Why boss? roduction is through the roof, and morale has never been better since we all switched to Geico.
That's just it. The Naughty Index is up to 89% this year! We're overstocked!
Holy Jizz Turrets, Santa! What are we going to do?
I believe the line is "Holy Jizz Slingshot", dcom. We've got to pull this play together or we won't be able to save the orphanage in time for Christmas.
Sorry Kaufman. I was trying a little improvisation. We better keep rehearsing.

 

by mmyers
12-11-03
Boy, this year is going to be an interesting one.
Why boss? roduction is through the roof, and morale has never been better since we all switched to Geico.
That's just it. The Naughty Index is up to 89% this year! We're overstocked!
Holy Jizz Turrets, Santa! What are we going to do?
Kaufman, what's wrong?
I just had a terrible feeling. It was as if hundreds of voices cried out at once and then were quickly silenced, but we must continue with the training, dcom. Rip your other arm off.

 

by mmyers
12-11-03
Ohmygod, ohmygod, I need to get a flu shot right this second! There's a flu epedimic! It's already spread throughout 24 of the 63 states!
You're over reacting. This "plague" that's sweeping the nation, what are its symptoms?
People are having to take one or two days off work and sit in bed and watch TV!
That doesn't sound so bad to me, Bear.
TBS is playing Swordfish over and over again.
I know a guy who gives back alley flu shots. Let's go.

 

by mmyers
12-11-03
Whilest walking into the bathroom at work today...
Wow, something smells really good in here, like pancakes with syrup.
Let's never speak of this again.

 

by mmyers
12-11-03
Excuse me, sir, it looks like you accidently dropped your cigarette butt on the sidewalk. I'm sure it was just an oversight.
No, no, dearboy, I deposited my cigarette butt precisely where I wished it to go. Tut-tut, lad, nature will be fine, cigarette butt or no.
But...that's horrible for nature and the ecosystem and animals and birds, not to mention it just looks trashy.
One day, we shall all die and nature shall continue on in some form or fashion, without the ways of meddlesome man. Such is nature's way.
Well here's my way of helping nature's process, ya lazy fuck.

 

by mmyers
12-12-03
You know, speaking of my children...
No one was speaking of your children. I was just standing here making copies.
All it takes is one "My children" for the office to degenerate into a gushing parent's roundtable.
My kids never crawled, they just went straight to running and then they never stopped.
My son crawled briefly, the next thing I know, he's riding a bike.
My kid pretty much came running out of the womb.
Too...easy...to... make..fun...of.

 

by mmyers
12-12-03
Don't make it obvious or anything, but scroll up to the top of the page and you'll see ads.
Mine at this moment is for Marvel Comics and for a Great Expectations study guide. Over a year ago, I performed in the play Great Expectations.
Coincidence? How about this, before this it had an ad for Nike shoes up there. I did a comic about knock-off Nike shoes 3 days ago.
Coincidence? Umfum lists John Coltrane at the top of his bio and who's being advertised at his page? John fucking Coltrane, that's who!
At the top of Ivy's page is Marvel comics. At the top of Kaufman's is wrestling. jes_l has Peanuts merchandise. We are being watched, people!
I won't even get into why boinky's has some kind of thing for goats or why AtheistDiary has Mary J Blige or bunnerabb has "Girls Yeah Right" on DVD. You have been warned.

 

by mmyers
12-15-03
Mr. President, operation Red Dawn was a success.
Great googly-moogly, are Patrick swayze and Charlie Sheen OK?
No, you're thinking of Red Dawn the movie. This was Red Dawn the Operation.
You know what game I liked? Operation. Boy, that buzzer scared the bejezusses out of me.
You've had a big day, Mr President. Maybe you should take a nap.
Yeah, maybe you're right. Hey before I sleep, write this down. Operation Iron Eagle! zzzzzzz.

 

by mmyers
12-15-03
Marco!
Polo!
Marco!
Polo! (hehe) You're very cold, you're freezing. Oh wait...you're warming up.
What can I say, I enjoy a good game.
You think that was torture, wait until you get adjusted to our legal system.

 

by mmyers
12-15-03
So mmyers, why did you go into acting?
Well, I'm very sarcastic and people always asked me "Are you serious or are you being sarcastic?"
I figured all there was to acting was making people wonder if you're serious or not and voila, here I am.
Are you being sarcastic now?
Exactly.

 

by mmyers
12-15-03
mmyers, I sent the last of the boxes that we had to you. Thanks. Amanda, filing clerk, Vestal, NY
I have a sister?

 

by mmyers
12-15-03
I have a sister! I have a sister! I have a sister!
Yo mmyers, what the fuck are you doing, man?
Um...the Safety Dance.
Cool! You can go where you wanna, you can leave your friends behind...
Cause your friends don't dance and if they don't dance then they're no friends of mine.

 

by mmyers
12-15-03
Sorry I had to lie to you, Paco dude. I just felt weird telling someone that I just discovered I have a sister.
No problem. I'd been wanting an excuse to dance all day. So how'd you find out you have a sister?
An email. She signed it "Amanda, filing clerk, Vestal, NY."
So this isn't a real sister or relative, this is just some filing clerk?
It's better than a relative or real sister, it's another filing clerk. I'm not alone anymore. I...I think my deoderant just crapped out. Be back in a sec.
Hey man,all that Safety Dancing works up a sweat.

 

by mmyers
12-15-03
All right, I'm back. It's such an amazing feeling, Paco, to know that someone in the world understands me, understands the stupid questions people ask, the tedious work.
I have a sister, Paco, and that's something that you can never understand, to have the support and closeness that a real family can offer.
I have five sisters.

 

by mmyers
12-15-03
All right, so there's another filing clerk. What are you going to do about it?
I'm going to find her, Paco, find my sister, and then we're going to get together and have a house and little filing clerk children.
And all the children will be named alphabetically and filed systematically throughout the house.
Dude, you're talking about having children with your sister. That's kind of gross.
We must keep the blood line pure, Paco, the blood must remain pure.

 

by mmyers
12-16-03
She's sweatin' like a whore in church.
Actually, it's the crack that makes me sweat, not the whorin'.
That boy's queerer than a football bat.
Whatever dude, you're checking me out.
I gotta piss like a rushin' race horse...or is it Russian race horse?
Who gives a shit which it is, I gotta pee so bad I can taste it.

 

by mmyers
12-16-03
That boy's as sharp as a bag of hammers.
I can see where this is going and I don't approve.
It's colder than a witch's titty out here.
Yet not quite as cold as my left buttock.
I'm hornier than a three dicked goat.
It's a blessing and a curse.

 

by mmyers
12-16-03
What?
Vacation.
What for?
Soul mate.
Fine.
It really pays to run all requests through the guy who's about to leave.

 

by mmyers
12-16-03
Air Tran is really the cheap alternative to safe flying. I wonder what it will be like when Amanda and I finally meet.
I just swept out the file room , checked all the labels on the LOAs to make sure they were clearly marked, and ordered new red file folders.
Take me.
How erotic.

 

by mmyers
12-16-03
She'd suck the chrome off a trailer hitch.
For a Klondike bar, you bet.
She could suck a golf ball through a garden hose.
Where's my mace when I need it??
I'd bet she'd suck like she was trying to win a trophy.
How about "a leopard can't change his spots but he can climb up a different tree once in awhile." Rawrr.

 

by mmyers
12-16-03
That boy's as useless as the tits on a boarhog.
Actually, the wild hog, (Sus scrofa) also called the wild boar or feral pig, has 'tits', or areola as they are better known...
I'm as full as a tick on a bloodhound.
Grrrr.
I'm so hungry I could eat the ass out of a dead hooker.
I'm not dead yet! I feeling like much better! I could turn a trick if you want!

 

by mmyers
12-17-03
Looks like the plane's about to land. I can't wait to be in New York. Broadway, Times Square, the Statue of Liberty...
Must...fight..g-force...so that I...can kick...the back of...his seat.
Boy, this is not at all how I envisioned New York being. Where's the buildings and the hussle? Excuse me, sir...
'Sir'? What da fuck are you? Kiss my ass why don't ya, 'sir'.
Maybe I am in New York.

 

by mmyers
12-17-03
Mister, I came to New york to find my soul mate but this isn't at all what I expected. There's no bright lights or big city as the Michael J Fox movie had foretold.
Dat movie sucked fat dick. Nah kid, that was New York, New York. Dis here's Vestal, New York.
Shit.
Yeah, well, on da upside, kid, there's only a few buildings here so if she's here, she's bound to be in one of 'em.

 

by mmyers
12-17-03
Star Maps! Get your Star Maps! Star Maps!
Excuse me, I'm trying to find my soul mate. Her name's Amanda and she's a filing clerk.
Filing clerk, eh? What you need is a Star Map. It'll take you right to her door, I'll bet.
Yeah, but she's not a 'star', per se'...
I said buy a fucking map.
See, now this is what I wanted New York to be like. I'll take one Star Map, please.

 

by mmyers
12-17-03
Man, I think Joannie is going to annoy me to death. I don't see how you work with her all the time.
Oh, I just pretended for a long time that I didn't hear her, then one day I realized that I wasn't pretending any more.
............
What?

 

by mmyers
12-17-03
Happy Birthday, Jesus! Santa sends his love...and this present.
That milk-swilling glory hound? Put it with the others.
...and I want a doggy, and another leg for Jimmy, and a seashell, and a Polly Perky Tits dolly, and...
For the last time, I'm not Santa!! Now go play in Saddam's bunker.
Caller, go ahead.
Hey Jesus, long time listener, first time dropping by. Um, you're a carpenter, right? Well, I'm having a bitch of a time with my dry wall...

 

by mmyers
12-17-03
Happy Birthday, Jesus! Santa sends his love...and this present.
That milk-swilling glory hound? Put it with the others.
...and I want a doggy, and another leg for Jimmy, and a seashell, and a Polly Perky Tits dolly, and...
For the last time, I'm not Santa!! Now go play in Saddam's bunker.
Hey, I just came by to say, ya know, no hard feelings.
Get the hell out of here! You already upstaged the day I rose from the dead, you're not taking my freaking birthday away!

 

by mmyers
12-18-03
One of the hardest things about being a witch is getting started. Robes, hats, and kitty cats, it all gets a tad expensive. Now there's the Discount Witch Warehouse.
Inexpensive brooms, cauldrons, and even maypoles. Right now, we're running a special on frightened cats to ride at the end of your broom.
Flying, not fond of it.
So shop once, shop twice, shop three times, you'll shop for life. The Discount Witches Warehouse.
Witch tested, coven approved.

 

by mmyers
12-18-03
It's dark as a well digger's ass out here.
I'm right here, jerk. And you smell as bad as a...um, you're dumber than a...aw, nevermind.
That boy's as ugly as homemade sin.
Sin©, Homemade Sin©, and Hungry Man's Homemade Sin Dinner© are now owned by The Morton's company. Please cease and desist using that phrase.
That kid fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.
In my defense, that kid was pretty ugly before I ever met her.

 

by mmyers
12-18-03
That Star Map was completely useless. Still, it's nice to know where Brent Spiner lives.
If only there was some kind of sign that could tell me where Amanda is.
Wow, that's a sign allright. 30,000 feet of neon really lights up the sky.
Office Depot sign...seering flesh...burning retinas...melting scented candles I bought...as gifts. If I must burn...to death...let it be smelling... boysenberry.

 

by mmyers
12-18-03
If I stay outside of this place for too long, I may lose my pasty good looks.
At least one employee a week gets roasted from the sign. Step right in. We're running a special on file folders.
He was a helpful guy. Guess I should check to see if they have a good deal on folders. Of course, I only use...
Smead reinforced 8" straight end tab folders, letter size in red.
Smead reinforced 8" straight end tab folders, letter size in red. Oh my.

 

by mmyers
12-19-03
Amanda?
Filing Clerk, VIP?
You're a lot taller than I imagined.
If you count your hair, we're almost the same height.
How erotic.
How erotic.

 

by mmyers
12-19-03
So what do you do around here for fun, I mean besides filing?
I hang out in filing bars a lot.
What's a filing bar?
It's a place where filing clerks all hang out together.
Dream sequence:
So I told the boss, "I could buy 5 boxes of 100 files each for $17 a box...but then I'd be an idiot!"
Awesome!

 

by mmyers
12-20-03
Todd, one of the ladies I work with has a black Santa Claus on her desk. What's that all about?
What do you mean?
I mean, is she saying like there is no way a fat jolly white man could bring her kids toys or that she wouldn't let a white man into her house?
Maybe there's a white Santa for white kids and a black Santa for black kids. Maybe they're both rascist.
Which is it, Santa?
Ho, ho, ho, actually I'm not rascist in the least, although I am an antisemite. Merry Christmas!

 

by mmyers
12-21-03
You kids like to smoke, huh?
It was just a drag off a friend's cigar, grandma, to be cool.
You know cigars really are a metaphor for the penis.
Grandma, please don't.
If they're too short or too stinky, you need to throw it away and get a new one.

 

by mmyers
12-22-03
Mr. Clango, will you help us take down the Christmas tree and decorations after Christmas?
You know the best way to take down a Christmas tree? A little bit of gasoline and some matches.
Why must Clango spend the holidays alone?

 

by mmyers
12-22-03
Mush mushi from Honorable Ninja, just in time for the holidays. I am here with the undisciplined harbinger of toys, the gaijin Santa Claus.
Ho ho ho! That's right Honorable Ninja, I'm here at your car lot and I'm giving balloons to the kids! Ho ho!
Honorable Ninja wonders how you are able to sneak up on small children with your loud colors and rotund belly. How can you call yourself a ninja, Santa san?
I...I don't call myself a ninja...I-I'm an elf.
And you believe your elven magic to be stronger than mine, Samwise Gamgee? I laugh at your elf magic...except for the E.L. Fudge cookies. Honorable Ninja does not laugh at those.
This has just gotten really weird. Can we get my agent on the horn?

 

by mmyers
12-22-03
What did you get me, grammy, what'd you get me?
Oh, I got you two turtle necks.
Again?
I got the black ones like you like.
Now how the hell am I going to get that partridge out of the pear tree?

 

by mmyers
12-22-03
I want to introduce you to someone very important to me.
Please don't say "my boyfriend", Please don't say "my boyfriend".
He's a visionary. Someone who we could all learn alot from.
Cool.
Let's cut through these bushes, just in case someone is following us.
Love, sweet love.

 

by mmyers
12-22-03
Beyond this door, you will find him. Good luck.
You're not going?
No, you must go by yourself.
If this is going to take a bit, I should probably go pee first. I get nervous bladder.
GO!
Hello? Anybody home?

 

by mmyers
12-22-03
"Please come in. Make yourself comfortable."
Hey this looks like my file room. What's going on?
"I know you want to know why I brought you here and why your file room is here. I'm sure you have lots of questions for me."
You? Wh-Why?
That's right, it's me, William Hurt.
W-why...why did you...why did you make Lost in Space? God that movie sucked.

 

by mmyers
12-22-03
Hey, I've read that book before. I found it very helpful.
My ex-girlfriend said that I was smothering her so one day I took my pillow while she was sleeping and put it over her face and yelled "This is what it'd be like if you were getting smothered, bitch!"
Note to self: never pick up guys in the self help section.

 

by mmyers
12-22-03
We interrupt this broadcast to give you a news update. The President has issued a Code Orange warning for the holidays. We go live to the airport for reactions.
Huh?
We'll keep you posted with up to the minute information should we figure what this should mean to us.

 

by mmyers
12-23-03
*zing* *ling ling* *zing*
Crap.
*zing* *zing-ling* *trickle* *zing*
Oop, almost got it.
Honey, I don't suppose you could just pee with the light on?
Shhh, I'm very close and your messing me up.

 

by mmyers
12-23-03
So when I take a sharp turn or something like that, there's a loud clicking noise. I've had the CV joints checked and that ain't it.
Have you tried turning up the radio so you can't hear the noise?
Hah, I'm just kidding. Actually, I'm just an escaped mental patient who killed the real mechanic and took his clothes.
Haha, nice one.

 

by mmyers
12-23-03
Damn straight, foo'. This is called being G'd up from the feet up. And them maids a milking and them geese a laying better have my money.

Showing page 12.

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