All comics by pslock

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by pslock
3-26-05
Why did I cross the road?
To come and entertain YOU chuckleheads!!! Look at this guy over here! He's all "DUUHHRR I STUPIDY" Then this queer over here. Hands off buddy! Tell that Asian guy I don't need laundry done.
"YOU SUCK!!!" "YOU'RE MEAN!!" "YEAH, I WANT MY MONEY BACK!!"
Oh yeah? Come and get it. OUT OF MY ASS!! Thank you, and I'll be back at 10:30!! Please tip your wait staff and throw all trash in the proper bins.

 

by pslock
3-26-05
Ok, Link, here's the deal. Princess Zelda has been kidnapped, Gannon has gone ape-shit, and the kingdom is in serious trouble.
OH MY GOD!! When did all this happen?? I was just out fishing and...
LISTEN! We need you to help. You're the only one who can save us all. There's a splintery, wooden sword in my house. Grab that and go defeat Gannon.
Heh..you almost got me with that one, gramps. Seriously... Heh.
...
Oh shit, you're serious.

 

by pslock
3-26-05
Gee...thanks for the SHITTY sword, gramps!! Well..I guess I have to go find Ganon or something and get the Triforce. NOT WITH ANY HELP AT ALL OF COURSE!! *sigh* I don't even know where to start.
Oh, excuse me, sir? I'm going off to defeat Ganon, do you know where I should start? All I have is this wooden sword.
Well, I don't know where you need to start, but I can certainly tell you'll need a boomerang and a whistle, young man. Good day.
Oh, OK thanks Mister! I'll get that stuff right away!! Wow..what a helpful...wait... WHAT???

 

by pslock
3-26-05
*DING DING*
Oooh!! A cussstomerrr!!!! How can I help you, sir? You know, in these dark times you can always use a candle, and this week they're...
Yeah, yeah, I know..."on sale." I saw the sign coming in. Actually I just need your cheapest boomerang and whistle.
May I ask, sir, are these items going to be used to defeat a dark evil from which this land must be freed??
Yeah, sorta.
Then you really should want the BEST boomerang money can buy. And our whistles? Finest craftsmanship in the land.
*sigh* Jesus...here comes the damn sales pitch. I should have just gotten one off a tektite or something...

 

by pslock
3-26-05
...AND STAY OUT!! WE ONLY TAKE RUPEES HERE!! NOT... WHATEVER IT WAS YOU WERE TRYING TO PAY WITH!!
It's called CRUMBS AND LINT CUZ I'M POOR!! Asshat. Ever heard of "Hey let's give the guy who's going to save the kingdom free shit??"
Welp...now I'm stuck for sure. No boomerang. No whistle. And no clue.
Maybe -I- can help!!
Can you take me to Ganon's castle and help me defeat him?
Well, not really, but I can point out all the interesting stuff you're probably missing out on! Oh, look!! There's a neat tree over there!! Maaaagicaaalllll!!

 

by pslock
3-26-05
Later, Link explores the perilous dungeons of Hyrule.
BACK!! Back, I tell you, back!! I'll use my wooden sword on you! Look..I just wanted a frickin' WHISTLE!!
No, no...but it's really affordable insurance! Seriously! Look, lemme show you the prospectus and the hard data on how much your policy will...
Remeeemmmber, Link... the weakness of the deadly INSURANCE SALESMAN is to fire an arrow into his big, stupid head.
I'm OUT of arrows!! Don't you have fairly magic or some shit? Oh, wait... I know!!
Hey, the boomerang DOES come in handy!! Glad I nabbed it from that old lady, hehheh.
... but...your.. percentage of ...interest..is...*gack*

 

by pslock
3-26-05
DOO DOO DEE DOO!!!
SCORE! I found me a whistle!!! Now..uh... what the hell do I do with it?
You could try blowing it. Wait, that sounded dirty...what I meant was..
Yeah, I get it... har har. Well, let's see... *TWEEEET*
Wow!! Cool!!
You whistled, sir?? Here's your delivery of 500 Rupees, a Magic Sword, and an AK-47 with 5000 rounds.

 

by pslock
3-26-05
What the hell are you doing??
Making my Zelda comic...
Dude, you're making it so that Link's whistle calls a friggin' MAGICAL ELF that gives Link everything he needs to kill Ganon AND an AK-47??
Sure...
THAT'S TOTALLY BREAKING THE CONTINUITY OF THE GAME!! Have you no respect for the source material? What the hell?? This is almost as bad as that episode of Enterprise, where the computer said...
Umm..it's just a comic. Calm down, please.

 

by pslock
3-27-05
THIS SERIES HAS BEEN CORRECTED FOR CONTINUITY'S SAKE
Yeah, I get it... har har. Well, let's see... *TWEEEET*
Whoa. Uhhh..what happened??
Looks like we teleported somewhere else! Like maaaaagiiiic!!! Look over there! A bush!
Yeah, bush, great...umm...where are we? Best guess I'd say we were about 100 miles from Hyrule.
Hey!! Listen!!! Look over there, it's an interesting rock!

 

by pslock
3-27-05
Excuse me miss warrior person, but do you know where I am?
Uhh..yeah, you're about 100 miles from Hyrule. HEY! Is that your fairy? Cool!
Hey!! Listen!!! Check out this mud puddle back here!! HEY!!!
Actually, it's not that cool. But, thanks ma'am. Maybe a second blow on the ol' whistle will do the trick. Ack, that sounds dirty again! *TWEEET*
I don't think this is Ganon's castle. But hopefully it's near a tavern so I can get stinking drunk and forget this whole mess.
Oooh!! All KINDS of stuff here!! HEY!! LISTEN!!!

 

by pslock
3-29-05
Ok...this isn't funny anymore. Where the hell am I?? Forget using that damn whistle. Cheap foreign whistles...
I say! Who might you be?
Oh! Hi! Uh, I'm kinda lost...big time. Where am I?
In the Mushroom Kingdom, of course, silly boy. My name is Yoshi. Bernard Yoshi III, if you must know the whole thing.
Mushroom Kingdom?? I don't suppose you know Ganon or Princess Zelda, then.... *sigh*
Well, we have a Princess Toadstool, but no Zelda. Come this way, I'll introduce you to her and her Most Royal Plumber, Mario. Funny sort of smelly chap.

 

by pslock
3-29-05
Excuse me your Highness, but may I introduce a visitor to our realm? A Mister Link from Hayarule, I believe.
Cool man. Whatever.
Actually, it's "Hyrule." How do you do ma'am? I'm on a quest to rescue Princess Zel..
Oh, I don't need rescuing thanks, though, man. I'm groovy. Would you like some mushroom tea? Mushroom muffins? Mushroom biscuits?
No, not..not rescue YOU, rescue the Princess Zeld..
Like I said, man, I'm good. Don't need saving. See me? I'm safe and good. Here, you really should try these mushroom pancakes.

 

by pslock
3-29-05
Hey!! Listen!!! I just saw a flying turtle!! Hey!! Listen!! Umm..HEY??
Leave me alone, huh? Not in the mood. At all.
What's your problem?
Umm...REMEMBER MY QUEST?? Geez..everyone around here just wants to get high. Nothing is getting accomplished. Zelda is probably dead and Ganon owns the universe.
You could try using those "warp pipe" things. Those might get us back to Hyrule!!
They don't really WORK, though! Everyone here thinks they "transport you places", but they don't!! They're all just so high they think the sewers are some other world!

 

by pslock
3-29-05
I wonder... does the mouse truly exist? Or is it simply a myth? A wonderful myth??
Are pencils even real?? I keep hearing about them, but.. there's no real proof they exist!
Perhaps belief in mice represent our desire to control the very essence of nature itself by inventing a creature for ourselves that does not exist.
Perhaps the want of a created ruler who oversees us all is what created the myth of the pencil. Alas, pencils cannot be.
Nah..Mice can't be real.
Nah..pencils can't be real.

 

by pslock
3-30-05
I can't believe it! I'm finally in the big city!! Now my big break will come!! I'll be DISCOVERED!!
Any time now..

 

by pslock
3-30-05
*urrgghh* C'mon! Help me push at this door!! We may still get out of this closet yet!
Why bother?
What do you mean "why bother?" Because we're, uh, LOCKED in here!! *hurrrghh*
Yeah, so why don't we have fun with it? Get it ON, so to speak?
I'd rather get busy with a multi-eyed alien intent on controlling Earth one woman at a time.
Funny you should mention that...

 

by pslock
3-30-05
The only way we have a hope of winning this battle is if you become my back legs!! Come on! We'll form together like Voltron!!
Look, Eric, the enemy is advancing, we're running low on ammo, and our backup is going to be late. This is no time to play pantomime reindeer!!!
....
Have you ever even SEEN Voltron?

 

by pslock
3-30-05
And so, Link is trapped in the Mushroom Kingdom for many years, until...
So, Fairy...how are you today?
HEY! LISTEN! My back hurts, my feet ache, and that damn Luigi keeps hitting on me every chance he gets.
My goodness!! Thank God I've found you!! Do you remember me, Link?
Wh...why ... you're the ass who sent me on that damn QUEST!! I"VE BEEN STUCK HERE THANKS TO YOU AND MAGIC WHISTLES AND CRAP AND..
I am deeply sorry, my son. As the elder of your village, I only wanted you to get out on your feet and accomplish something int he world!!
Oh yeah...I accomplished something alright. I learned how to make 135 dishes out of MUSHROOMS!! Do you KNOW what it's like to listen to that "DOO DOO DOO DE DOO DOO" theme song all day??

 

by pslock
3-30-05
I've spent years looking for you so that I can bring you back to Hyrule.
Phhht...fat lot of good it will do now. Ganon rules, like, what...the whole WORLD by this point?? Did anyone even TRY stopping him, or was I the only rube?
Actually...I fear I must admit... Princess Zelda was never kidnapped...and Ganon was not a threat.
What. The. FUCK!!!
I knew you would reactly badly to this news. I simply wanted you to stop playing with the chickens and do something with your life!! You were a slacker!
WE'VE BEEN THROUGH THIS!! I WANTED TO BE A CHICKENOLOGIST!!

 

by pslock
3-30-05
Cowboy and a Chicken...alone on the moon..
There's a strangely meaningful, surreal, iconic song there. I just need to write it.
Don't look at me for help. I hate the crap you're into. I'm acid-grindcore.

 

by pslock
3-30-05
So...playing God of War, huh?
Yyyep.
Funny, I don't seem to remember a dual-blade-bearing warrior turning everything in his path into red goo whilst killing innocents and sleeping with numerous hot babes in the Greek Myths -I- read.
Did you check the Appendix?

 

by pslock
4-04-05
Yep. He's dead alright.
Dibs on the funny hat.

 

by pslock
4-05-05
As leader of the Elder Gods and the bringer of all things sorrowful and black into your childish world, I DEMAND that you let me pass!!
Nope, not till you promise that after your little takeover or whatever, we all get limitless nuts. Different kinds too!
H...how DAREYOU!! From the dark void of ever-distant space I have traveled to enslave your world and bring forth a new realm, and you DARE stop me over NUTS!!
Well, it's pretty damn disrespectful if you to ASSUME the humans are in charge. Cuz, I'll tell ya somethin'.. they ain't. Now make with the infinite-nut-trees.
Very well, squirrel. But know that they will be DARK nuts, filled with the blackest of black and the distant, echoing cries of..
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever. NUTS!

 

by pslock
4-07-05
Umm...this is kind of a stupid movie we're making.
Shut up. Just keep slashing people! You're breaking character!
What character?? I'm a walking stereotype of all mindless, soulless killers in typical horror movies. I need to talk to the director..
Shh!! He's taking his midday nap. Now, look, let's just film the scene and be done with it! Alright, they're ready to call action! Get in character!
...this is still dumb..
"Ooh!! ARRGH! Jason is like totally alive and evil and stuff!! NOOOO!!"

 

by pslock
4-07-05
Ladies and Gentlemen, I proudly share the stage this evening with the late, great, BILL COSBY!!!!
You know, I'm not actually dead...
What do you mean?
You introduced me as the "late" Bill Cosby. I'm still living, you see.
I take it you didn't see Fat Albert?

 

by pslock
4-07-05
*whistling to the tune of "The Girl From Ipanema"*
Excuse me, sir?? I was wondering..
NO!! You CAN'T have my place in line, NO you CAN'T borrow money for tickets and NO I won't watch your space while you go take a whiz.
Geez, relax.. I was only going to ask the time...
Suuuure. And then it's "OH PWEESE MISTER I DON'T GOT NO MONEYS TO PAY FOR TICKETS" or something!! Damn freeloading moochers!!!
Look pal, we all just wanna see the Pope Corpse, can we just get along while we're in this lineup?

 

by pslock
4-07-05
I can't bear to look!! NOO!! I MUSN'T!!
*sigh*
Need...strength..I can do this. I can..do.. it.. WAIT NO I CAN'T!! *SOB SOB*
*SIGH*
*wimper* Just...can't.. dear god... let it end..
HEY ARE YOU FINISHED IN THERE OR WHAT? OTHER PEOPLE NEED TO GO TOO!!!

 

by pslock
4-10-05
OH MY DEAR GOD I have been waiting FOREVER, I HAVE THINGS TO DO YOU KNOW!!
Well, your transaction will take 15 minutes whereas this person's will take 1 minute, so I'm letting them go first so I can..
DEAR CHRIST IN HEAVEN I AM DYING HERE!! THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE!! I AM BLAAAH BLAAAAH BLARRGGH!! HUGALAHHUGALAH!!
Well, the manager's right here if you'd like to complain..
Gee, no thanks, byeeee!!!!
PROTIP: If your refund/exchange/sell-back is for obviously stolen goods, it's best to be as quiet as possible and treat the staff like gods on Earth.

 

by pslock
4-11-05
IN THE YEAR 2756, A NEW EMPIRE COMES TO POWER...
A STRANGE, PROTO-FACIST STATE CONTROLLED BY MACHINES WHO INSTITUTE A NEW WORLD ORDER BASED ON TWO CRUCIAL RULES:
"BRITISH PEOPLE AND DINOSAURS WILL BE OUR SLAVES!!!"

 

by pslock
4-13-05
.....
It's time like this I want to quit teaching.
OK!! WHO LEFT THE PINK DONKEY HEAD THE HALLWAY??

 

by pslock
4-13-05
Hey, get out of here. -I'M- the real Jesus, folks. Worship me. Pray to me.
NO! He's the false Jesus! -I- am the real Jesus. I am your light and pathway to my Father's kingdom!
Oh please...you don't even know how to get there. Look folks, I died for your sins...I came back from death and all that... -I- am the real Jesus!!
If you're the real Jesus then perhaps you'd tell us what birthmark Jesus has on his left buttock!!
It's a small mark that looks like a cup.
HA! WRONG!! It was a trick question. The real Jesus doesn't HAVE a birthmark!! Fool!!

 

by pslock
4-13-05
What's with this internet fetish of making anime-art with women who have dicks for nipples?
I think it has something to do with the subtleties of Japanese culture and how it effects art.
What??
Yes, it's clearly related to a desire to express the surreal through a quasi-realistic artistic structure.
You have no clue what you're talking about, do you?
No, but I saw an episode of Pokemon once.

 

by pslock
4-14-05
HOHOHO!! MEERRRRY CHRISTMAS!!!
I don't celebrate Xmas as it is a shameful Christian holiday designed to obscure legitimate pagan holidays and oppress all other religions.
HOOHOHO!!! HOOO...huh? Why no, little girl, that is simply not the case! HOOOHOOHO!! Xmas is about cheer and good will and..
You disgust me, you false idol.
DYKE!

 

by pslock
4-18-05
B..b..boy! I sssure am gglad to see you h...here!! I've been ssstuck on this mountain for days!!
I AM RESCUE-BOT 5000 PROGRAMMED TO RESCUE LOST HIKERS AND THEIR KIND. THERE IS NOTHING TO FEAR.
G..g...Great!! Let's ss..s..start the decent off the m..mm..mountain right now!!
WHAT IS THIS DECENT YOU SPEAK OF?? I AM RESCUE-BOT 5000, PROGRAMMED TO ACEND THIS MOUNTAIN AND..
Yeah, I g..got that p.p..part.. So..now we can go back h..h.. home, right??
INCORRECT. MY PROGRAM WAS TO BRING YOU THIS TRAVEL SCRABBLE GAME AND A COPY OF "VOGUE", THE VERY CORE OF HUMAN LIFE SO MY RESEARCH INDICATED. DO YOU WANT YOUR COMPLIMENTARY MINT AT THIS TIME INDEX?

 

by pslock
4-18-05
This is my side of the island. Keep to your side. Those are the rules.
Why?
Because I know how slovenly you are. Until we're rescued, I want nothing to do with you.
But that could be weeks...months even!!
You're not getting any, if that's what you're implying...
MONTHS EVEN!!!

 

by pslock
4-18-05
...today I was nice to a homeless man. It made me feel better.
*clackity clackity*
So, wait...what's this good for?
It's a ticket for a wish!!! Someday, you can use it to get a wish and wish yourself not poor anymore!
I feel sorta like that "Sam" guy in Quantum Leap!!!
*clackity clackity*

 

by pslock
4-18-05
Welcome home!! I've been waiting to give you a speeeecial gift!!
Hmm..nope, this automated "Elf Greeter" isn't half as creepy as I'd hoped it would be. Back to the store with you, fella!

 

by pslock
4-18-05
This is an OUTRAGE!! I DEMAND that the movie I'm looking for be INSTANTLY PRODUCED BECAUSE I WANT IT AND BLAAHH BLAARRRGHH...
eek!! OOOK!! EEK!! EEEEKK!! OOOT!! OOT!! SIR??? SIR???
I'm sorry...what?? I was distracted for a moment.
...AND FURTHER MORE THE HUGAHLAHALAH BLURRRAARRGH!!...

 

by pslock
4-18-05
I need some wood and matches.
Why??
I need to make a fire that puts out black smoke to symbolize that I have not yet elected a better framemate than you.
Well, I'm making a fire that produces white smoke.
Why? Did you elect the new Pope?? *chuckle*
If you want to call it that. Only now I can't get the toilet to flush.

 

by pslock
4-19-05
Walk down the right alley in Strip City and you can find anything...
Anything.

 

by pslock
4-19-05
She says her name's Goldie. She invites me back to her place for reasons I don't pretend to understand. She shows me things...
See? And these are my comics I made!! Pretty nifty, huh? I think they're funny.
Her comics are brilliant. Like a shot from out of the barrel of a .45, they hit me hard...real hard.
Ya know, honey, I like 'em. I like 'em a lot.
Aww, you're just saying that.
They're the kind of comics an angel might make.
No, honey....no I ain't.
I...know.. I think I...always knew..

 

by pslock
4-19-05
In the dead of the night, we're woken up by something strange. Something unnatural.
"You've got mail!"
Goldie slips into something comfortable, flicks on the lights, and checks it out herself. Brave girl.
What's up?
Oh, just some comments on my comics from some of the other strippers! Cool!
And that's when they stuck the knife in her. That's when it all fell apart, as quickly as it came together.
What's....wrong?
Th...these comments. They're...really horrible. *sniff* I..don't understand it.. *sob*

 

by pslock
4-19-05
After that, she just wasn't the same. Damn bastards shoulda just stuck a blade in her quietly and ended it right there.. Damn forum users...they don't know much about how this city works.
She stopped writing after that, and the Goldie I knew started to die off. And that's when I knew what I had to do.. I had to find those cheap scum out there that did her in. I had to.
It's time to prove to your friends that you're worth a damn. Sometimes that means dying, sometimes it means killing a whole lot of forum trolls.
Hey, Butch?? Are you gonna be done in there soon??
I'll be right out.

 

As if a single panel could contain any legitimate humor...
Well, YOU'RE in it. That's enough of a joke for anyone.
by pslock, 4-21-05

 

by pslock
4-23-05
I got myself a souped up computer from some shady dealer that I usually don't associate with. Those geek types make my hair stand on end.
I set to work trying to figure out who gave Goldie the business. But it isn't easy. Every nook and cranny on the internet hides a hundred secrets..and none of them pretty.
Let's see... stripcreator.com
*clackity clackity*
I came across a whole mess of trolls. All over the place. It was like being under some damn bridge in a kids fairy tale. Here's where I needed to start.
....
Subject: RE: UR COMIKS SUK FAGORT!!!1!

 

by pslock
4-23-05
After baiting a few of the locals with a few of my own comics, I had finally hit paydirt. Some random idiot challenged me to a face-to-face meeting. Poor sucker. He's not gonna like me.
I pick a nice, dark alley for our little get-together. I figure, at least here no one will hear him screamin'.
How you doin' buddy?
You must be BUTCH6944. Dumbass...I can't believe you actually showed up. Well, we're gonna teach you who runs the forums on ol' SC.
Heh...I love internet trolls. No matter what you do to them, you never feel bad.
*grrahh* urrrghhh....had enough yet? *choke*

 

by pslock
4-23-05
Before taking last breath, my pal told me what I wanted to know. He told me I'd find what I needed at some local dive called "Cowboy Physics." All these joints look the same to me.
Can I help you, sir?
Yeah. I'm lookin' for your resident stripper.
She points me out to some young thing dancing for tips. I remember her from awhile back; a girl from the streets. She'd grown up. Filled out. But I ain't got time for this.
I'll need a cold shower after this. It works.
Nah..not that kind of stripper..

 

by pslock
4-27-05
*urrrrgh* Nope.. can't do it. I just can't GO with that freaky attendant standing there!
Should you need anything, sir, I am here to assist you in your needs. Please..enjoy your restroom experience.
Yeah, hey, ummm... could you, like, go out for a bit so I can crap in peace and privacy??
Oh, but sir, that would be a clear violation of this eatery's fine tradition of 5-star service.
Look, I had your 5 bean burrito special, 3 "Holy Beef It's Beef!!" tacos, and a bunch of garlic cloves that I thought were something else. Ok???
......point taken, sir. I shall return in 5 minutes.

 

by pslock
4-27-05
Christ, what an ugly dog...
Actually, that's MY dog! And -I- think he's quite handsome! Good day!
*You're pretty cute, though!!!*

 

by pslock
4-27-05
After sorting out the little...misunderstanding, I found who I was looking for. He was old, wise, and knew the scene. But he was also a complete pervert.
Good to finally meet you, sir.
My time is....limited. What can I do for you, Mr. Butch?
It's simple. I want the forum trolls. All of 'em. Now. Throats in my hands.
That's a big demand coming from someone like you, Mr. Butch. Why should I comply?
I had to endure his stench just long enough to get what I needed. Hang on, Goldie. I almost got 'em.
Because the sweetest girl ever to set foot in this godforsaken city had to shed tears because of what those bums did to her. I just want to even the score.
Your argument is.... persuasive. Is she really worth it?

Showing page 14.

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