All comics by Scyess

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by Scyess
8-11-03
I get the feeling I make you nervous.
No, not at all.
Are you sure? The way I gesticulate with wild, violent motions while holding a knife doesn't make you a little edgy?
Um, nope.
I must be losing my touch.
Although I have to say the mutilated corpses nailed to your furniture is somewhat off-putting.

 

by Scyess
8-11-03
Well, it was nice talking to you.
Yep. Bye.
And now, to business...
Oh, and if you find the guy who keeps smashing my pumpkins, could you tie him up and leave him on my porch until I can find some wolverines?

 

by Scyess
8-11-03
Oh, hi! Did you find out who was smashing my pumpkins?
GAH!
I wonder if I should be suspicious about his covering his face and running whenever I ask him that.

 

by Scyess
8-17-03
I wonder if it's hot outside today.
Meanwhile, on the Sun...
Geez, I'm glad I'm not on Earth today.
No kidding! It's like a white dwarf down there!
Hey, Cowdjinn. I'm going to see if it's hot out.
Just don't walk on the driveway. It's all melty.

 

by Scyess
8-17-03
Well, I guess seeing for myself is the only one way to tell whether it's hot or not.
I guess calling the weather service would've been a better way.
Hi, Jon! Let me compliment you on your fantastic home insulation!

 

by Scyess
8-21-03
Hi, Jon! I'm so glad you made it to the grand opening of my whine bar.
Thanks. I'm curious how the public is reacting.
This chair is uncomfortable, and it's too high for the table, which still has streaks on it from the last wipe-down.
I didn't wanna come here in the first place. The decor is awful, and everyone here looks like a loser.
As you can see, I've trained the staff well.
I'm a little low on cash today. How much for just a small gripe with extra sarcasm?

 

by Scyess
8-25-03
I hate it. I have a headache.
Why not take some asprin or ibuprofin from the huge piles of bottles you have in your den?
Damn those bottles! They all say not to use them if the seal is broken, and I can't get to the pills without breaking the seal! Damn them all to hell!
It's like they want me to suffer. Maybe it's a conspiracy. Someone should write Congress.
Now I have a headache.

 

by Scyess
8-25-03
I have a headache, but I can't take any pills because I can't get to them.
What, do the bottles say not to use if the seal is broken?
Yes! How did you know? That's amazing! Do you also know how to get to the pills??
Easy. That warning just means you can't use the bottle if the seal is broken. So just dump the pills out and take some.
Wow! You're like some kind of repressed genius.
I've also found that bottles with pre-broken seals have some of the most fun pills inside.

 

by Scyess
8-27-03
I think it's awful how Arabs are constanly being portrayed as suicidal zealots who only care about how many people they can kill in the name of religion.
DIE, YOU IMPERIALIST INFIDEL CAPITALIST DEVIL!
I'm not saying you didn't have a point, Jon... but maybe you shouldn't've been explaining it to a complete stranger with eight pounds of C4 wrapped around his head.
Don't you have a death certificate to write or something?

 

by Scyess
9-01-03
**WHOOP! WHOOP! WHOOP! WHOOP!**
Welcome to your first day here at the nuclear missle silo. Let me know if there's anything you're not familiar about.
Okay. What does that whooping sound mean?
*WHOOP! WHOOP! WHOOP! WHOOP!**
Oh, that just means it's lunch time.
HOLY SHIT!!!
C'mon, how can you not admit it sounds a lot like "launch"?
You're just lucky my legs melted, or I'd kick your ass right now.

 

by Scyess
9-25-03
This is your brain.
This is your brain on drugs. Any questions?
Yeah. Is there some point to this diatribe?
I can taste your voice!

 

by Scyess
9-26-03
No, I won't get you more whiskey, Jim. I think you might have a problem.
I don't have a problem.
Ha! That's exactly what alcoholics say when they have a problem!
But wouldn't it also be what non-alcoholics say when they don't have a problem?
There's a logical response to that, I just know it.
How about this: make me a whiskey sour or I'll shoot you.

 

by Scyess
9-30-03
Christ, Barry. I can't believe how much you can eat.
I'm in training! I'm gearing up for the release of my diet/exercise plan.
Ha! Are you going to tell people how to get in shape by eating sandwiches and sitting on their asses all day?
Yep! Gotta feed the people what they want to hear, you know? I'm calling it the "One Big Ab" miracle plan.
Why don't you just call it "The Pasty Lump of Gelatinous Flesh" plan?
I thought Richard Simmons already had that one copyrighted.

 

by Scyess
9-30-03
Wow. The human placenta sure does look a lot like fresh tripe and beef short ribs.
Can I get you a stomach pump?
No, thanks. Some strychnine will be fine.

 

by Scyess
10-01-03
We've had enough of your bad-mouthing Jews, blacks, Mormons, Republicans, Catholics, Arabs, and the mentally handicapped.
What about Nazis? Can I talk about Nazis?
Of course! Everyone hates Nazis!
Good. Then get the fuck away from me, you fuckin' Nazi.

 

by Scyess
10-01-03
Okay, Edmund. We're sick of your bad-mouthing Jews, Mormons, Republicans, Catholics, left-wingers, and the Green Party.
Who are you to criticize what other people believe?
Isn't that what you're doing right now?
Uh...
Nazi Jew bastard.

 

by Scyess
10-01-03
Um, hi, Tataki. Did you like that, you know... mix CD I made for you?
I thought the CD would have been put to better use if it had been ground up and used as compost.
Um, CDs aren't biodegradeable.
I know.
"Compost?" Ouch, man, that was cold. _______________ I shouldn't've made every other track "Desperado."
Well, at least I didn't get publicly flamed. _______________ True, that.

 

by Scyess
10-02-03
We cannot use the One Ring... it must be destroyed.
Well, let's just destroy it then!
You can't destroy it with a mere axe, good Gimli!
*CHOP!!!*
Well, I'll be, you destroyed it with a mere axe. And ruined the rest of the book. Thanks a lot.
Right... I can save all of known Middle Earth, but doing it in less than 200 pages is bad marketing. Sometimes you are such a git, Gandalf.

 

by Scyess
10-02-03
You are very brave Frodo to take the One into the realm of Sauron to destroy it. I will give what aid I can.
Wise Gandalf, answer me one question...
How the hell am I going to get that far carrying the One 1/1000th Scale Model of Detroit to Rule Them All?
The path will be difficult. Sauron was wise not to make the One something easy to sneak in and destroy, like a ring.
Maybe we could rent a U-Haul or something?

 

by Scyess
10-02-03
So our party will consist of 4 hobbits, 2 men, a dwarf, an elf, and... what the hell are you supposed to be again?
You imputdent ass, I'm Michael Flatley, Lord of the Dance! I have top billing in this film, so you'd best just shove off.
Sure, I'll shove off. Right after I run 4 BILLION VOLTS OF ELECTRICITY THROUGH YOUR BODY!
GGAAAHHHH!!!!
Gandalf, whether we survive this or not, I want you to know you've already done this world a great service.
Great, now I'll have Irish music stuck in my head all day.

 

by Scyess
10-02-03
Our top story tonight: new, hyper-accurate IQ testing prooves boys are actually smarter than girls.
Lisa Begellow has the story.
Thanks, Tom, but this is just in. The US has just declared it National Kick a Chauvanist Monkey-Boy in the Groin Day.
"Wow, Lisa. That was a fairly coherent sentence! Congratula-" *THUD*
And I used to think local news was boring.

 

by Scyess
10-02-03
Jon's nice to let me stay here and all, but he's kind of wierd.
How so?
Well, I'm sort of nervous getting dressed, in case he's secretly looking or something.
Is that all? You're just getting used to the new place.
Also, all his phones are cordless rotary speakerphones the size of a small refrigerator.
Ouch. It's because I only have eight digits, isn't it?

 

by Scyess
10-02-03
Look, I'm sorry. I didn't even notice you were missing two digits.
Bah! You humans, with your twos and nines. You're all alike!
I said I was sorry.
I'm afraid nothing could possibly console me besides removing the rest of your clothing.
...and that's when the cordless rotary 8-digit speakerphone went into the fireplace.
It's because my table only has three legs, isn't it?

 

by Scyess
10-02-03
I'm not saying I don't like your new LFooaC-Man outfit, Jon. It's just a bit... garish.
If I were you, I'd go for something more subtle. Maybe tone down the reds.
And the mask. Definitely cut some airholes in the mask.

 

by Scyess
11-07-03
Okay, you're a cow... and "rawhide" is kind of a funny word... right... and it comes from cows... hhmmm...
okay... and... you're a cow... hhmmm...
Maybe it's time to get out of the comedy business?
Your jibes have no affect on my firm conviction that I am the most hilarious human on Earth. ...as I will prove if you will stop breaking my concentration so I can think of a punchline.

 

by Scyess
11-07-03
Hey, Jon! Wow, it's been forever! Didn't we have a great time on New Year's Eve 1982?
Um, sure... yeah... I mean... I guess...
WHAT? Do you mean you don't remember one obscure evening when we talked briefly 11 years ago? I'm going to sulk off and make you wonder all day if you couldn't've answered my question differently!
No, wait! Please! Give me another chance!
... sulk ... sulk ... sulk ...
Fuck.

 

by Scyess
11-07-03
Jon! Hello... I am Ahmed... I like to meet with you... and talk... together...
Sure!
I am... English of beginner... but I will... tell... to you about my... life story...
Uh...
Four hours later...
...you are my best friend... I will... be... always... with being with you...
If he just moved a little to the right, I could make it out the window...

 

by Scyess
11-08-03
Tonight, on World's Most Disgusting Toilets...
We'll be visiting the home of Jon, who reputedly hasn't cleaned his toilet since he moved into his fixer-upper three years ago.
Maybe now you'll clean the damned bathroom.
What? And play right into the hands of the liberal media establishment?

 

by Scyess
11-14-03
Dammit, Jon, if you leave the toilet seat up just one more time while I'm here, I'll stuff you in and flush you.
C'mon, Tataki. It doesn't take much effort to LOOK before you go.
It's pretty obvious when it's not down, actually. Besides, I would never fit into...
...the... um... pipes...
Hi. Let me guess... left the seat up?

 

by Scyess
11-15-03
Wh-... where am I?
You left the toilet seat up one too many times, and your irate woman flushed you down. You are now doomed to spend eternity in...
{ { { The Lost Underwater Realm of Men Who Left the Seat Up!!! } } }
Wow. Nice echo effect.
We call it LURMWLSU for short.

 

by Scyess
11-15-03
Everyone here is a man who left the seat up. After being flushed down the pipes, we've formed our own nation down here.
That's crazy. Who's in charge?
I am.
Jimmy Hoffa??! But I thought...
...the mafia got me? Nah. Josephine finally snapped.

 

by Scyess
11-15-03
So how did you end up in The Lost Underwater Realm of Men Who Left the Seat Up?
Well, I left the seat up in my own house, and this girl, Tataki, c-
-ame over... and... uh...
What did I say?
Don't say the "T" word. She's probably responsible for half our population.

 

by Scyess
11-15-03
There are a few ground rules you have to follow since you have been banished to spend eternity in The Lost Underwater Realm of Men Who Left the Seat Up.
Really? That sounds like a lot of work.
I think I'll just leave. See you guys later.
Youngsters these days. They have no concept of "eternity" anymore.
That guy was definitely not a team player.

 

by Scyess
11-15-03
It took me a long time, but I finally found my way back after been flushed down the toilet by Tataki.
I'm surprised you had the nerve to come back.
DAMMIT, JON! YOU'VE BEEN BACK FOR THREE MINUTES AND ALREADY THE SEAT IS UP AGAIN!!!!
GAH!
*flush* AAAAYYYIIEEGURGURGURG...
That Automatic Seat Raiser© was worth every cent I paid for it.

 

by Scyess
12-12-03
Uh, Sanna... you know... we've been roommates for a while now, and, er... well... I wonder if you think it would be wierd if we started dating.
Not at all! In fact, we should've started a long time ago.
Really?
Yeah! In fact, I'm way ahead of you. I've already got a date lined up for tonight.
Oh. Um... well... I kind of meant, you know... you and me... together...
Yeah, like I'd want my date to see that I know you.

 

by Scyess
12-16-03
Nice to meet you, too, Thad. So... tell me a little about yourself.
Well. I graduated from Cornell cum laude in '94. I enjoy working out, touch-football, and badmitton.
... SCORE! Best... date... EVER!
...and I also like race-car driving, spelunking, and froomba. That's a sport I picked up in Africa when I was there in the Peace Corps...
... to impale on a white-hot whaling harpoon.
And then, after I reunited the triplets with their mother, she offered me a knighthood. Now that was quite a party, um... What was your name again?

 

by Scyess
12-16-03
Alone again. Not a single solitary member of the opposite sex who wants to spend time with me. Can't they see I'm a great guy? What's wrong with them?
AAARRGGHHH! WOMEN!
Did I just hear you take my name in vain, pusbag? HAAIIIIII--
Wow. The metaphorical nuances to this situation are nearly boundless.
At least my death will serve as a warning to others.

 

by Scyess
12-16-03
*sigh* I need a girl.
And all I have is a horse.
*sigh* I wish they made lipsticks bigger.

 

by Scyess
12-16-03
*sigh* I need a woman.
Hi, Jim.
Oh, hi, Earl... um... you know, your tongue is really huge... and pulsating...
Thanks, Jim!
You don't really use all of those eye-sockets, do you, Earl?
Bye, Jim!

 

by Scyess
12-16-03
Happy Birthday, Jesus! Santa sends his love... and this present.
That milk-swilling glory hound? Put it with the others.
...and I want a doggy, and another leg for Jimmy, and a seashell, and a Polly Perky Tits dolly, and...
For the last time, I'm not Santa!! Now go play in Saddam's bunker.
You know, it's no wonder no one's ever gotten you down from there. You're so...
...if you say "stuck up" I swear you will need a team of spelunkers to remove my foot from your ass.

 

by Scyess
12-17-03
This just in! Congress has just passed a new holiday-season law. The president released this statement: "It has come to my attention that
during this joyous season of Christmas, Channuka, Kwanzaa, solstice, and Boxing Day, there are still some religions or
groups who do not have a holiday or festival that falls in this season. That is not what America is all about. From this day forward, all ethnicities,
groups, and religions are required to have their own obscure holiday at this same time of the year. Let's not let any Americans
feel excluded!" He then ignited the traditional solstice Kwanzaa menorah tree while wearing boxing gloves.

 

by Scyess
12-17-03
When it started, it probably meant something.
Dude, what X-Treme sport do you like best? X-Treme bike or X-Treme rollerblade?
Dude, it's all about X-Treme snowboarding.
Then the marketing execs got a hold of it.
You smoke X-Treme filters, right? Let me have one.
Sure. Good luck pitching the campaign for X-Treme shampoo.
Now it permeates your very existence. IT IS THE CULTURAL BUZZWORD THAT WOULDN'T DIE!
Jon, have you my X-Treme pantyliners with the X-Treme wings?
Gross! Check your X-Treme sock drawer again and change the X-Treme subject!

 

by Scyess
12-22-03
Ho ho... um... yeah. What do you want for Christmas, little... uh, one?
I want the continued secularization of traditional Christian holidays.
Ho ho ho! That's my specialty! Me, the Easter Bunny, and the Lent Fairy!
Don't forget the Good Friday Chinchilla!

 

by Scyess
12-22-03
♫Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock. Jingle Bell Time, to... ♫
BUY A CHRYSTLER!
♫ Fa la la la la, la la la Hefty brand trash bags.♫
Even though I'm long since desensitized to the condescension of it all, it still galls me to think this kind of shit actually sells products.

 

by Scyess
12-24-03
Boy, that gold sure is shiny. I sure could go for some more gold right now.
That gum resin gift pack sure was shiny... but I don't think I should've eaten half of it.
Holy crap! Look at that star! It's so shiny! What are we waiting for!!
Wow. The Three Wise Men must've been really wise to know to follow the star to the baby Jesus.
Oh, yes. And they had the foresight to bear lots of shiny gifts which they most certianly did not have to be relieved of by force, no sir!

 

by Scyess
12-31-03
Well, the new year's almost here. One more year I didn't visit Europe, fight in the world martial arts competition, or make a million dollars.
Yeah. And I really should've made more online comics.
What?
Well, I didn't win the Nobel Peace Prize, either, but it just didn't occur to me to mention it!
I think the insignificance of your goals isn't as pathetic as your failure to reach them.

 

by Scyess
1-16-04
Wow, The Davinci Code's evidence on the true origins of the Bible sure has set off a controversy.
Yeah, because it's all wrong.
Oh? Are you one of those who believe that the Bible is truly the unaltered word of God?
No... I've just finished personally retranslating the whole Bible and found that, in reality, it's mostly just a bunch of horse grooming tips and dick jokes.
Er, if you don't mind, I'm just going to move to another state before you release this information to the press.
You know the book of John? It's actually a bunch of filafel recipes.

 

by Scyess
1-18-04
Hey, sexy. How about you come to my place tonight?
Huh?
I'll wear my translucent underwear, but not for very long. And we can -- hold on, let me move somewhere else.
Guh...
I've decided to add cell phone earpieces to the list of things that make my life miserable.
You can also add deforestation... although your list is probably the main cause of it.

 

by Scyess
1-27-04
I need you like I need a hole in my head.
HAAIIYYAAA!!!
I didn't need that.
Don't worry, Jon. It's more like a large dent.

 

by Scyess
1-28-04
It's pretty obvious. Anyone who doesn't believe what I do is an idiot.
Hm... I believe opposite of what you do, but just as strongly. What makes you think that you're right and I'm an idiot?
You believe the opposite? You are such a fucking idiot.
Okay... let me rephrase the question...

Showing page 17.

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