All comics by christopher7murphy

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Hello Desert Storm Barbie. It's been a long time.
Well! Look who came back.
Han Solo Classic.

 

Honey...I WANTED to stay with you. but...
Don't give me that, Han Solo Classic!
I gave you the best ages three and above years you ever had! And then you just disappear!
Couldn't you see I had a firecracker taped to me?
...and don't think I didn't know about you and the Farrah Fawcett Twins from isle three!

 

Honey. It took me all this time to gather my thoughts. I just want things to be better again.
Han Solo Classic! What good are you now?
Fine...I'll leave.
I coulda married Han Solo DELUX!
Now HE was twelve inches.

 

Mommy? Desert Storm Barbie is feeling alone and unattended. Can I get a Transformer for her?
ha ha. Now honey...we'll talk about this later.
Honestly. The imagination on that girl. I wonder where she gets it?
Your fresh batteries have arived.
Fuck you, Postman Bob!

 

Lawyer Bitch Barbie would never put up with this!
Haven't been this frustrated since I let Big Jim straighten my Slinky.
I can be all the man you need, Desert Storm Barbie!
Anatomically correct doesn't mean squat with ZERO points of articulation, Johny West!

 

Desert Storm Barbie. If you are not careful, you will die alone and uncollectable.
But I haven't felt the plastic fingers of a real action figure in so long!
Remember...you must learn to love yourself before you can get others to love you.
-sob- Oh, Eight Inch Mego Aquaman, you are right! You are wise beyond your packaging.
By the way, have you seen my shark?
Oh, I "jumped" him a while back.

 

You know, Desert Storm Barbie. You are kinda cute.
Mmmm... Eight Inch Mego Aquaman, are you flirting with me?
What the fuck, Sis? You opened all my mint action figures! They're ruined!
But you NEVER play with them.
You know? That asshole is right...Aquaman doesn't belong in the desert.
Wanna go play in the sink?

 

Honey? Did you break into your brother's room and open all his toys?
But Mommy, Desert Storm Barbie needed a social life.
I don't care. You will put all your brother's things back right now, young lady!
Okay, Mommy.
Damn. Here I am again. Rot in the sun. Sand up my cracks. Sucks to be Barbie.

 

What's happening?
It's time for the Jolly Green Giant's annual rectal exam.
Nurse. Get ready.

 

That Jolly Geen Giant is sure health conscience.
Look what his annual rectal exam turned up.
It's the Gorton's Fisherman.

 

Oh my. That's just wrong.
Yep. With all those fruits n' vegetables...that was bound to happen.
-gack!-

 

I will drink mead with damsels of perfume and gold. Sweet ambrosia with virgin ninteen year olds.
Sweet Hera am I. And I am your wife, if I catch you cavorting, I will end your long life.
Can I see them as a swan or a goat? Tend to thier flock...float on thier boat?
You can not see them in any form! I'll roast you, toast you, and raise up a storm!
I could use a Trojan or a well oiled skin, made from the finest calf bladder of ancient Athens.
Oh, dear husband, you just go ahead and scoff. I'll wrap you in leather and cut the damn thing off!

 

Don't make me angry, Mr. McGee.
You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.
Moo.

 

Okay!
Bed's made!

 

Hey sweet thang!
Hey ya!
You want some Super-Sex?
um...
Okay...I'll have the soup.

 

Hey...since you are the last woman on the planet...and I'm the last man...
How about a little kiss?
No. If you kiss me today...then you'll want to kiss me tomorrow...and then again...
And pretty soon, you'll want to get into the habit.

 

This season on ABC.
Rat Bastard!
gafaw?
He doesn't just love the ladies,
I beg your pardon!
He defends them!
Rat Bastard, Attorney at Law!
Ohhhhhhh, Rat! Kiss me!

 

Your Honor. My client pleads Not Guilty!
As a nudist, my client could not have stolen the fifty billion dollars from the Edmond Corporation.
No pockets!

 

Mr. Bastard! I find you utterly repulsive! You disgusting pig!
If you weren't my lawyer, I wouldn't give you the time of day!
That's fine with me. I think you're way too skinny and you dress like a cheap whore anyway.
And you wear way too much makeup!
Ohhhhh...Rat! Such a way with words! Take me again!

 

Mr. Bastard? Is it true you can "Get anybody off?"
Yes, Ms. Bea Arthur (star of television's Maude and The Golden Girls).
Even if I have to sleep with them to do it!
So to "get her off," I had to either sleep with her, the judge or you.
Ohhhh, Rat Bastard! Such a man!

 

Picture if you will, a beach. Mr.Chen will soon find out there is more to this beach than it appears...
OH MY LORD!!! What's that floating in the water?
OoooOooOooo! Home. I want to go home. Mooooannn!
For he has entered...the "There are no surprise endings on the Twilight Zone anymore, Beach."
Ohhh..never mind. It's just a hermit crab. Must be using that rotting skull as a new shell.

 

Tonight on Entertainment T'night, we report on the sudden tragic death of Dude Puddin.
Dude Puddin was the star of Rat Bastard: Attorney at Law! on ABC television. His death is still being investigated.
The producers of Rat Bastard are devistated at the loss of thier star. Thier condolences go out to the commercial sponsors of the show.
We'll be right back after a word from Pampers.

 

Welcome back to Entertainment T'night where we are continuing our coverage of Dude Puddin's sudden death.
The Star of Rat Bastard was found shot, stabbed, stangled and man handled in his California home this morning.
Of corse the question on everybody's lips is, "How will the producers of Rat Bastard continue with the top ten television show?"
Here is Bob Tailring with a exclusive interview with the producers.
Will you be canceling the series?
No. We plan on using stock footage and clever editing to keep going. Possibly using old tricks like hiding the body behind boxes or laundry baskets.

 

Yes, Your Honor. I have fully briefed my client on her charges.
MMM Oh my, yes. Mr. Bastard briefed me good, too!
CUT! I can clearly see the edit on that last take!

 

-hammer-hammer-hammer-saw-saw
Miss Phreaky?
?
-hammer-hammer-hammer-saw-saw
Is it true you lost three days of your memory during the period of time when when your husband disappeared?
Yes, Rat. But what are you building?
Please, Miss Phreaky. I'm working on your Insanity De-FENCE.

 

Your Honor? May I approach the bench?
Clearly the prosecution is trying to LEAD the witness.
CUT! I don't mind the edit this time, but I can still see the dog's lips move!
Sorry, Boss.

 

Rat Bastard: Attorney at Law! will not be on tonight due to litigations involving the estate of Dude Puddin.
Instead, please enjoy a new episode of that favorite television game show: WHEEL OF TOBOR!
NO WHAMMIES! NO WHAMMIES! NO WHAMMIES! Cornhole! BAM!

 

Missing lassagna? Kite eating tree? Perhaps they needed help finding "Waldo?" Or a word balloon "mysteriously disappeared."
I've solved them all. There comes a day in every reoccuring character's life when justice is a bitch.
-Knock-Knock-
When a strip needs help, they ask for...
Yes?
Slam Panel? Strip Detective?

 

She was desperate.
I am Slam Panel, Strip Detective.
Mr. Panel...my brother was shot, stabbed, strangled, and manhandled.
She needed my help.
...and no one cares! Everyone is too worried about his stupid TV show, Rat Bastard!
Oh...I was gonna get some t'night.
Rat Bastard? Your brother is Dude Puddin? So that means... you must be... Cocoa. Cocoa Puddin!
Ohhhhh, Slam!

 

Slam Panel: Strip Detective. You just started the case of your life.
Miss Puddin? Who do you think would have the most to gain from your brother's death?
It could be anyone. Women, jealous boyfriends, cast members, commercial sponsors. Who knows?
Who killed Dude Puddin, star of television's Rat Bastard?
Was the show very popular?
There's a rerun on in ten minutes...see for yourself.
One thing was for sure...His writer should have been killed too.
Your Honor! I cite balogna vs. salami (1972). You never SAUSAGE a case!
Ohhh Slam! What did you get yourself into?

 

I'm Slam Panel: Strip Detective. I am investigating the death of a popular TV star.
Can I help you?
I notice that you have about a dozen books on the actor, Dude Puddin...and he's only been dead three days.
My first step was to research the dead man's past. Check to see who may have had a reason to kill him.
Oh yes. We have had quite an interest in books about the famous, "Rat Bastard: Attorney at Law!"
And where do you keep the NON-fiction biographies?
And the list of suspects was not getting any shorter.
Sir? They're ALL non-fiction
Lady, you just made the list!

 

Startling new evidence about the death of TV star, Dude Puddin. "Golden Girl," Bea Arthur has announced she is carrying Puddin's Love Child.
Yes. I am six months pregnant.
Bea Arthur was a reoccuring guest star on Dude Puddin's ABC drama, "Rat Bastard: Attorney at Law!"
Dude and I were romanticly entangled.
I tried to resist his charms...but we were soul mates, damit!
Sources indicate that Arthur and Puddin had an on-again-off-again relationship.
I wanted him to take me to Disney World...but the bastard told me I was already fuckin' goofy!
Hmmmm.

 

More news about the shooting, stabbing, strangling and manhandling of TV actor, Dude Puddin.
We have found a lost interview with veteren robot, Tobor- a long time friend of the dead star.
Tobor hate Dude Puddin! Roooarr! Him destroy Tobor carreer!
Here is a scene where Tobar guest stars on an episode of Rat Bastard: Attorney at Law.
"Tobor out of order? Oh no, YOU'RE OUT OF ORDER! Rooarrr!"
In light of recent events, Tobor had this to say about his lost friend:
But Tobor always be grateful for Dude Puddin. Him help Tobor through the tuff years.
Tobor so horny. sob-

 

My investigation led me to a beach.
I am told you have a nasty habit of guest staring in comic strips and television shows and end up chomping the cast.
Sharks gotta eat.
Here, I met a low-life called "Sharkie."
But you appeared on Rat Bastard: Attorney at Law three times last season...
I did notice he had sweet smelling breath.
Yet, you never bit a single lawyer. Why?
Professional courtesy.

 

Sharkie may not have killed Dude Puddin...but he knew something. His breath never smelled so sweet.
Sharkie! Who killed Dude Puddin?
What's it to ya, Slam?
You could tell he was chompin' at the bit to let me in on something.
If you know any thing and still want to continue getting residual checks in the mail, I would give everything you got!
Okay! Okay, "flatfoot!" Meet me in the executive office in five minutes. (This beach aint safe!)
Five minutes later, he spilled his guts.
xxx
Hey...anyone know about the half eaten shark carcass slopped on the boardroom table?

 

Sharkie was going fast.
Sharkie? Are you still with me?
ehhh...Slam...is that you? -moan
It was a gruesome way to go. I really felt for the poor guy...
Who did this... Who killed Dude Puddin?
mooannnn breathmint -gurgle- tic tac- certs-scope -chew...
But then I thought, "Hey, Free Fish."
groannnn -death rattle. xxx
Well...that was rude. I brushed!

 

I almost had it! My only lead gone. I decided to meet my client back at the office.
Cocoa? Are you here?
Are you Slam Panel- Strip Detective?
But I had a surprise visitor waiting for me.
Who are you?
I'm T.P. Okie. My daughter hired you to find my son's killer.
I didn't see a family resemblence. But he stank of money...and this was where Dude Puddin came from.
Oh...so you're Cocoa Puddin's Pop?
Quite!

 

Meet T.P. Okie Puddin. Father of the deceased Dude Puddin, and (more importantly) my client, Cocoa Puddin.
Mr. Slam Panel, I want you to give up this nonsence. Stop investigating my son's demise.
Meeting Mr. Puddin made me remember my days as a child. I use to drink my dessert cup with a straw just so I could blow bubbles...
No can do, T.P. I was hired by your daughter. I answer only to her.
But...but...but...
I liked to see Puddin wiggle.
Do you have something to hide?
homina homina homina ummm.

 

At the Puddin Estate, Cocoa Puddin frolics on the grounds with the family hound.
Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy! Ima good dog! Ima good dog!
Oh, Butterscotch. I wish my life was as carefree as yours!
Ima good dog! Ima good dog! OBOY OBOY!
Instead. I'm forbidden to leave my fathers estate. It's like he doesn't care who killed poor Dude.
Ima good dog! Oh YES I am! Oboy, oboy! Lady, can't you get the hint?
Oh...I'm sorry. Does Budderscotch wanna milkbone? Do he? Do he?

 

AHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
I'm here to speak with Cocoa!
And I told you...What was that..a woman's scream?!
Oh it's terrible! It's Cocoa!
What happen? I heard a woman scream?
No. That was my scream.
He's a bad boy! Look whathedid! Look whathedid! What did you do?

 

Okay mister, who are you? The gardner?
No. Im Mr. Chen.
Not the gardner? But you are Asian?
What? That's racial profiling! I just so happen to be an actor!
Ahhhh. So you're a waiter?
NO Chop SUEY for YOUEY!

 

So Mr. Chen, why did you kill Cocoa Puddin?
I DIDN'T kill her. Cocoa was in charge of Dude Puddin's television contract. I wanted her to cancel "Rat Bastard: Attorney at Law."
Wait a minute! You're CHARLIE Chen, star of "Tales from a Rotting Corpse."
Kind of like "Twighlight Zone," except without the surprise ending.
Television: the place where dreams are born!
Didn't it last only one episode?
Yes. And if they canceled "Rat Bastard," "A Rotting Corpse" could come back!

 

Who killed Dude Puddin? Actually, suspects were tripping over the bodies. Actors, Golden Girls, Killer Robots, Sharks, even Book Store Clerks...
Mr. Chen, don't leave town!
I didn't kill anyone!
Could the old man have actually killed his own children?
Mr. Puddin, don't leave town.
Slam Panel! I hope NOW you leave this case alone! My Cocoa would still be alive if it weren't for you!
If not him, maybe someone who worked for him? Someone loyal, trusting, brilliant, dare I say drooling?
Now if you don't mind, Butterscotch and I have another burial to attend to.
I'm almost done! Oboy, oboy! But I ran outta bushes. Am I a good boy?

 

My next visit was the production set of the deceased, Dude Puddin's TV show.
Okay people! We had a close call, but production is back! "Rat Bastard: Attorney at Law" is back on the air!
The show is even a bigger hit now then before. Hmmm?
One thing about being a Strip Detective...I've heard them all.
I wonder if anyone here knows who killed Dude Puddin?
Hey...Slam! Wanna know a secret?
Yet...I still walk right into them.
Oh great! A sock puppet. Let me guess, you're gonna make some lame sock joke...aren't ya?
Darn!

 

Okay! Who are you?
I'm Mr. Puddin's stand-in.
YOU are Dude Puddin's stand-in?
NOOOO! I'm the other Mr. Puddin's standin!
The father?
Hello detective....I'm a DOG puppet! Ruff, ruff. -sheesh-

 

It was beginning to sound like the family dog wasn't such a "good boy."
So, Butterscotch Puddin (the family hound) also starred on the TV show, "Rat Bastard: Attorney at Law," huh?
Yep. And only Mr. Puddin could control him.
But then again, it's been my experience that the dog always looks guilty...
And why did he need "controlling?"
Rumor had it, that Butterscotch was rabid. MAD I tell ya. Use to go into the filing cabnet and mess up all the legal documents.
especially when you're wearing wet socks.
So you could say....
He wasn't quite "paper trained."

 

Call me paranoid . When a half eaten shark uses his last breath to tell you you have bad breath...
Hmmm. So the family dog has a secret.
Mr. Panel...how about a little somethin'...you know. For my troubles.
You keep an assortment of basics with you...Altoids, Certs, Tic Tac, Gummie worm! Something for all occasions...
Let's see...here ya go.
-chomp- chomp -munch-
Then it hits me! Like the Kennel Club across Mike Vick's crotch.
THAT'S IT!
Blech! Milkbone!

 

I have gathered you all together because I know who killed Dude Puddin!
Oh, shit! I think my water broke.
Dunt Dunt Dunnnnn!

 

First of all, Mr T.P. Okie Puddin, you should know your dog has rabies and needs to be put down!
Okay.
You're a stupid dog! You smell bad, you lick yourself too much, and your mother eats catfood!
Whine?
Ogod! Some one call PETA!
Dunt Dunt Dunnnnn!

 

Butterscotch Puddin, you killed everyone! You shot, stabbed, strangled, manhandled, and mauled them all!
But I'm a good boy! Aint I a good boy! Uh-huh! Uh-Huh! I am!
To get a Milk Bone, you would do ANYTHING! Because you're mad, MAD I tell you!
Yup, Yup! I'd kill for a Milk Bone!
Grrrrrr!
Dunt Dunt Dunnn...Oh..wait...I ate a Milk Bone!

Showing page 19.

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