All comics by andydougan

Profile

 

by andydougan
6-13-01
Cardboard City
Spare 10p for fourteen pints of lager, mate?
Hang on. You look familiar.
Yeah, I used to be leader of the Conservative Party. However, I felt obliged to resign on account of us doing abominably craply at the last general election.
I coulda had class. I coulda been a contender. I coulda been somebody, instead of a bum.
No you couldn't.

 

by andydougan
6-14-01
Don't be shy, give it a try, help the baldie homeless guy!
Curses and then some! I've caught that Big Issue vendor's eye. Now I'll have to buy a copy.
That'll be a lovely, immortal British pound, plizz.
Hey, didn't you used to be that bald twit off TV?
Yeah, but I was stabbed in the back by Michael Portillo, who sabotaged my election campaign. Now I work in my dad's willy-waashin' shop.
So you've got a job?! Bah! I'm not here to subsidise people.

 

by andydougan
6-14-01
The offices of the Evening Times, Glasgow
Hello, I'm desperate for a job. Can I be a film critic?
Okay, what qualifications do you have?
I've got GCSEs in Maths, German and Home Economics. I'm also a trained consultant.
I meant what qualifications have you got to be a film critic?
None.
Go away then.

 

by andydougan
6-14-01
Washington, D.C.
Hey, Tony, ah done thought me up a funny joke name for yuh! "Landslide"! Geddit? Cos you had a landslide an' shit. Hur hur hur.
That's hilarious, Mister President! Your biting wit is without parallel!
Thank yuh kindly! Ah kin see you 'n' me is gonna get along just fahn!
What an in-bred imbecile. I hear he can't even tie his shoelaces. Rupert can't love him! It just can't be true!
Bet he takes it up the ass. All them Eurasians do.

 

by andydougan
6-15-01
Yes, it's that time again! Time, that is, to make fun of RaRaRasputin's strips.
Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. He's got one called "Now this really is funny", but it's one of the most starkly unfunny things ever created.
And mere hours after I made a strip about Tony Blair and George Dubya, he comes up with one too. How coincidental.

 

by andydougan
6-15-01
So Saint Peter says to Dubya "How can you prove you're really Dubya?" And Dubya says...
Shush! I'm trying to watch the McVeigh execution on the internet.
I wonder what URL it's being shown at. I'll try searching with AskJeeves.
Ach! Nothing but sites about fisting. Still, what d'you expect when the numeric keypad isn't even on the right side?

 

by andydougan
6-16-01
Niagara Falls, the US-Canadian border
Ready to dice with death and go over in a bin?
As I'll ever be!
Then OVER YOU GO!
AAAAAAA AAAAAAA AAAAAAA AAAAAAA AAAAAAA AAAAAAA AAAAAAA AAAAAAA AAAAAAA
Hm! Funny time of year for a freak drought.
CLANG

 

by andydougan
6-16-01
Where am I? What happened?
Trying to get into the Guiness Book of World Records, you jumped off the Niagara Falls in a bin. But they'd dried up. Splat. Endae fuckin' story.
Argh! What an embarrassing way to go!
That's nothing. We've got a guy up here who was buggered to death by Michael Barrymore.

 

by andydougan
6-18-01
Excuse me, have you seen my husband? He's kind of skinny, wears blue, likes hammering nails into his head. And what are all those ambulances doing here?
Ma'am, I'm afraid I've got some bad news.
Anne Widdecombe won the Tory Party leadership?
No, your husband fell off the Niagara Falls in a bin. After two agonising hours of the paramedics trying to disentangle his entrails from the twisted metal, he finally died.
Did you have to describe it so graphically? I won't be able to eat my dinner now.
Look, I can change colour! Ach, this is crap. Time to end this stupid story.

 

by andydougan
6-18-01
The Editor, the Evening Times, Glasgow
Lot of news lately. The Tory leadership, Cardinal Winning's death, guys falling off the Niagara Falls in bins...
The paper's getting full up. How can we possibly cram in all the breaking news?
The Job Centre
Hey, didn't you used to be that bald twit off TV?

 

by andydougan
6-18-01
Down the Job Centre
Well, well, well, if it isn't the guy who wouldn't employ me in my hour of need! Now YOU'RE out of a job, eh? How poetically just!
Andy Dougan?
Yes?
The editor says to hire you again. He forgot people only buy the Evening Times for the movie section.
Grrr!

 

by andydougan
6-18-01
Please ignore this strip. Only about five people will get it.
Um, er, um, would you, that is to say, er, do you have a mirror in your trousers cos, um, ach, sigh.
What on God's green earth are you gibbering about, man?
Wanger boy!

 

by andydougan
6-19-01
The Prime Minister addresses a nation in mourning
Thomas Winning...was a great priest...a wonderful human being...our uncomparable loss...knows no comparison...
You mean "INcomparable". Also, I hope you're not planning to make jokes about a recently deceased man. That would be very low.
Yes...truly...he was...the PEOPLE'S CARDINAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He also dressed up in petticoats and gowns a lot, yet professed to hate sexual deviants.
Right, that's it, get along to confession now!

 

by andydougan
6-19-01
I sure hope that last strip doesn't smack of sectarianism or anything. Glaswegians taking the piss out of the Catholic church, even in jest, is a bit dodgy.
Well, let it be known that we have no truck with bigotry!
We don't like the Orange Lodge either.

 

by andydougan
6-20-01
The offices of "The Daily Record", Glasgow
That "Big Brother" programme! It's TV's lowest ebb! Should be banned! Perversion that it is! They'll show anything in their desperate bid for viewers!
Er, what's so terrible about it?
You'll have to buy the paper to find out! Look, there's a photo of one of the contestants in the buff on the front page!

 

by andydougan
6-20-01
The offices of "The Daily Record", Glasgow
I've got nothing against gays, I just hate their semen-filled guts! Clause 28 must remain! The people have spoken!
But the people also support capital punishment, and you don't argue for that.
YUO = FAG0T

 

by andydougan
6-20-01
Barry Bulsara, defendant
This is a stitch-up! They've got nothing on me! They just needed to catch someone! I was framed, I tells ya!
Why did they pick you, then?
Aw, just cos I'm the local eccentric.
But just because I shot Jill Dando doesn't mean I'd do anything as appalling as liking Queen!

 

by andydougan
6-21-01
This just in - "Pearl Harbor" has bombed! No one went to see it! It makes New Kids on the Block look like a success story!
Wow! Could it be that people actually listen to film critics after all? At long last, job satisfaction!
Other news: "The Lost World" tops video chart; "Twister" enters list of 20 most profitable films of all time; Jake Lloyd wins Best Actor.
Ach

 

by andydougan
6-22-01
Shocking developments in the Conservative leadership contest: Michael Ancram decides to stand! John Pienaar is on the scene! John!
Thanks, Huw. So, Michael Ancram, do you think you stand a chance of beating Portillo?
Well, let me make one point unequivocally clear: this is no time to seek to match spin with spin, or stardust with stardust.
Er. What?
Ihunno. I'm just trying to get into the Oxford Dictionary of Quotations.

 

by andydougan
6-27-01
Er...
Stuck for ideas?
................NIAGARA O ROAR AGAIN................
How'd you guess?
?sseug uoy d'woH
?saedi rof kcutS
...rE

 

by andydougan
6-28-01
Thanks to arrandil.com for assistance and moral support with this here strip.
This just in! Andy Dougan runs out of ideas for strips! John Pienaar is on the scene! John!
Tense scenes here at the Evening Times in Glasgow, where Andy Dougan has resorted to making crap strips like this one! Any comments, Mr Dougan?
Muh...whuh...?!!
Hi, I'm Nicky. I think Colin needs my help to rescue this strip.
Too late.

 

by andydougan
6-28-01
Let's have a bowl of spaghetti.
No, because we're birds, let's have a bowl of WORMS instead!
AAAAAAH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAA!!!!!!!
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!! Oh d...HA HA HA!!! Oh...oh...hee hee...oh dearie me...hee hee hee...
Isn't this a bit well-drawn for an Animal Crackers strip?

 

by andydougan
6-28-01
David Davis
I'm the "dark horse" candidate. Which is a polite way of saying no one's ever heard of me.
Michael Ancram
Our Party got an absolute doin' at the last two elections. Logic dictates, then, that if it stays exactly the same it'll win next time!
Michael Portillo
I mean, c'mon, you know, we should keep the bigotry and racism, but dress it up to make it seem nice. The public are so thick they'll vote for us!
I hate this job.

 

by andydougan
6-28-01
Iain Duncan Smith
Huntin'! Shootin'! Down with women and poofs! And I'm not into ethnic minorities either.
Kenneth Clarke
If the Tories had any brains they'd pick me, but of course if they had any brains they wouldn't be Tories in the first place.
Back in the studio
So, John, how did it go with the candidates?
I'd say they all got molested one too many times at boarding school. Oh shit, are we on air?

 

by andydougan
6-30-01
And this is my mum's room. She loves me very much and is very proud of all my suc...
Yeah, I couldn't believe he won an Oscar for showing his pecs and grunting a bit! A quadriplegic dungbeetle could've played that part!
You'll have to excuse me...I think I heard sobbing at the door.

 

by andydougan
7-02-01
The Academy
Okay, so it's decided: we'll give Best Picture to "Titanic" instead of "LA Confidential", and give Russell Crowe Best Actor for the most dismal performance of his career.
Okay. Hey, do you want to some time actually give the Oscars to the best films and actors?
Haw haw haw! You almost had me going for a minute there!
Heh heh, yeah. Anyway, where were we? Oh yeah, Kim Basinger for Best Supporting Actress...

 

by andydougan
7-02-01
Jesus fucking Christ! A dragon!
You rang?
It's going to be one of those strips...
How did you know my middle name, by the way?

 

by andydougan
7-02-01
This just in! The previous strip is, at the time of writing, the last lowpass strip alphabetically! John Pienaar is on the scene! John!
You've, uh, pretty much said it all already, Huw...

 

by andydougan
7-02-01
BBC News with Huw Edwards
Barry "Bulsara" Mercury is allegedly, it is claimed, charged with killing Jill Dando. Note that we're definitely not saying he did it! For all we know, he's got nothing to do with it!
I just got word: the jury thinks he's guilty.
Well, that changes everything! The fiendish murderer! How could he do such a terrible thing? May he never know a moment's peace!
I hate this job.

 

by andydougan
7-02-01
Paul Gambaccini!
Gillian Anderson!
Andy Dougan!
Desmond Mpilo Tutu!
It's no use...we'll have to make do with Michael Portillo or Iain Duncan Smith.

 

by andydougan
7-02-01
Your Philosophy 2M exam results, my good man.
Thank you, Mister Postman!

 

by andydougan
7-02-01
shit

 

by andydougan
7-03-01
What's the difference between Larry Ellison and God? God doesn't think he's Larry Ellison! Har har har!
Eh? If that's the difference, what you're saying is that Larry Ellison thinks he's Larry Ellison.
Because if God thought he was Larry Ellison and Larry Ellison thought he was God, then that's a difference too!
Sob. Shut up.

 

by andydougan
7-08-01
BBC News with Huw Edwards
Hey, John, I was just thinking...
Sigh. What?
Wouldn't it be better if *I* was John Pienaar? I mean, I've got the moustache.
True. Let's try switching round for a while.
This ought to make subsequent strips confusing...
Who cares?

 

by andydougan
7-08-01
Mr Ancram! John Pienaar, BBC political journalist. Rumour has it you're boring and crap. Any comments?
Well, I think William fought a great campaign...blah de blah...same old, same old...hang on. You're not John Pienaar.
Yes I am. I swapped bodies with Huw Edwards.
Do you expect me to believe that?
So are the Tories going to win the next general election?
Of course!

 

by andydougan
7-08-01
Excuse me. Have *you* tried the new improved Solstice energy drink? Only £9999.99 for a very small can!
No thanks. That stuff tastes like, and almost certainly contains, urine.
Just for that I'll pour some on his car tyres.

 

by andydougan
7-08-01
Gargh! Windows Millennium Edition has crashed on me for the two hundred and sixteenth time in the last half hour!
Blue screen of death! Press CTRL+ALT+DEL to restart your computer. Except even that won't work.
I can't take it anymore!!! It's terrible!!!!! It makes Win98 look like a paragon of operating system excellence!!!!!!! AAARGH!!!!!!!!!
My computer just spontaneously combusted.
Must need upgrading to Win2000.

 

by andydougan
7-09-01
ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US. YOU ARE ON THE WAY TO DESTRUCTION.
WHAT YOU SAY!! WHAT YOU SAY!! WHAT YOU SAY!! WHAT!!
That's the joke.

 

by andydougan
7-09-01
Ah, I see the problem: you've got an infestation of mice. They could eat all your food and cause a great inconvenience. But don't worry, I'll just feed them poison.
Isn't there any other way?
It's okay, they only live about two years anyway and have small brains, so it doesn't matter much if they die.
That's planet Earth in the way of our journey. Its human inhabitants only have a lifespan of 70 to 90 years and an average IQ of 100. It'd take an extra fifteen minutes to go round it.
Well, I can't be bothered with a detour. Blast 'em to fuck.

 

by andydougan
7-09-01
Want to buy a Big Issue? Obtain reading material and help the homeless in one fell swoop!
No. You'd just spend the money on drugs.
So what do you do for a living?
I'm a grossly overpaid member of an incompetent quango.
I see you've got a packet of biscuits, a porn film and a sickbag there. Got a little party planned this evening?
Look, what I do with my money is my business!

 

by andydougan
7-09-01
Mass
Psst!
Do you have any ideas for my next comic strip? People doing something ridiculous or something?
Hmm...
Sorry, I can't think of anything ridiculous people might do...
Who's next to eat a bit of bread that's transmogrified into the body of Christ?

 

by andydougan
7-09-01
Lord, I am not worthy to receive you, but only say the word and my soul will be healed.
Hee hee!
The blood of Christ.
Aaaah ha ha ha ha!!!
Okay, son, fun's over. Time for you to tell those poor people the truth.
Five more minutes, dad, please...

 

by andydougan
7-10-01
Sure is hard work bein' president o' the USA! Think I'll relax by havin' a look at that thar Low Pass site!
Haw haw! There's a strip with some cowboy bein' president and actin' like an in-bred redneck!
Sure is hard work bein' president o' the USA! Think I'll relax by havin' a look at that thar Low Pass site!
Hold on a cotton-pickin' second...

 

by andydougan
7-10-01
The Conservative Party fucks up its leadership election! John Pienaar is on the scene! John!
So let me get this straight: you're going to run the first stage of the election again because you can't decide who was *last*.
Well, you have to look at...er, that is to say...it's a very important...um, yeah, okay, fair enough. That's what we're doing.
That's so ludicrous I don't think this strip even needs a punchline.
Well, just in case: I'm still hoping to win this election.

 

by andydougan
7-10-01
Michael Ancram MP, David Davis MP
Grrr...
Snarl...
Fockin'...
Wide-o cunt...
I'M IN LAST PLACE!!!
NEVER!

 

by andydougan
7-10-01
Michael Ancram MP, Tory leadership hopeful
I will defeat David Davis easily! How could I fail to when I'm haunered by the likes of Anne Widdecombe, one of the least popular people in the Party...
...and Malcolm Rifkind, serial election-loser?
Would it not be better to have a popular person and someone who wins elections?
Well, I don't want to be overshadowed.

 

by andydougan
7-10-01
Michael Portillo, you're the frontrunner in the leadership election. I expect you're pretty confident?
Yes, because many of my supporters will vote tactically to keep Ken Clarke off the final ballot, and no one in their right mind would vote for Iain Duncan Smith.
Isn't that a very underhand way of winning?
Of course, but I'm an amoral wretch who cares about nothing but success. Any other stupid questions?

 

by andydougan
7-11-01
The offices of "The Daily Record", Glasgow
Exclusive! See the sinister maniac who arranged for the guy "convicted" of the Lockerbie bombing to get a haircut!
If the author of these strips is so against the Daily Record, why doesn't he stop making strips publicising it?

 

by andydougan
7-11-01
You know something?
What?
Neither of us have appeared in any andydougan strips thus far.
Me neither! D'you think he thinks a lady of the night is too good for his precious comics?
Uh, if you'd just let me explain...
Elitist!

 

by andydougan
7-11-01
Didn't you mean "not good enough"?
Shut up.

Showing page 2.

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