All comics by barcodeking

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by barcodeking
2-26-03
Update from 2/1: Donahue Borg
Ha ha ha! The Donahue Borg mind control ray will make all think like Donahue! All will BECOME Donahue!
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But then, from a neighboring channel, we hear CPT Picard:
"Mr. Worf, fire the photon torpedoes! Phasers on "Annihilate"! Destroy the Donahue Borg!"
y*7Y6 Becr vImKl9+ "fC.>/2# %Te{nIm\d zBN4m)-&: (pTF4#8 p)8%fW6Ecx RvT5bYu <&6HG^4
Donahue Borg is Destroyed!
** BOOM!! **
My mind is my own again! All of a sudden, I feel like going out and eating a steak, drinking a beer, getting laid and kicking Saddam Hussein's ass!

 

by barcodeking
2-27-03
Jeez-O-Pete! Look at this Gucci ad!
What is it?
The model is pulling down her panties and flashing her pubic hair, which has been trimmed into a big G, while a male model kneels in front of her!
Typical male. She's got to draw him a map, which he probably won't read anyway.
Comments like that make lonely women spend their evenings alone with vibrators.
It's a good idea to let him know where she wants him to go, but wouldn't a pubic hair arrow pointing at her clitoris have been better?

 

by barcodeking
2-28-03
More on Gucci's Hairy Ad
So do you think the picture was unaltered or was the G-shape Photoshopped on afterward?
Does it matter? It caught your attention, which is what advertising is supposed to do.
I feel so manipulated by the advertising industry lately!
Oh, because of that thing with the forehead tattoos over in Britain?
Yeah, that too. But if that was "head-vertising," what would you call this Gucci thing?
Tail-vertising!

 

by barcodeking
3-01-03
At My House
Frigging "Morrowind"! So many ways to die! Kwama foragers... Cliff racers... Slaughterfish...
Meow. Meow.
If it's not undead skeleton warriors with bows and arrows, it's mages hurling fireballs and lightning bolts!
Meow! Meow!
But there's nothing more ignominious than running out of breath underwater and drowning...
Are you going to feed me or am I going to have to come over and sharpen my claws on your leg to get your attention?

 

by barcodeking
3-02-03
At the Arab League Summit:
Crown Prince Abdullah, this whole Iraq thing is the Saudis' fault! You made a deal with the American devils in 1990!
Hey, Moammar Qaddafi, who died and left you in charge? We are not tools of the imperialists!
You are too! You are too! And you probably secretly like Jews!
You're a liar! Your grave awaits you! And your mama dresses you funny! Are you color-blind or what?
Don't make me sic my fembot security guards on you, you camel-humper!
Bring it on, fez-head, bring it on! I've got a scimitar right here with your name on it!

 

by barcodeking
3-03-03
Did you see they caught that Al-Qaeda bigwig Khalid Shaikh Mohammed?
Didn't he look like a dirtbag? I've seen sharper-dressed winos dumpster-diving for aluminum cans!
You betcha! What do you think they should do with him?
Pump him full of truth serum to learn all he knows, then have him popped!
"Popped"? You have to stop watching that Robert Blake trial!
Popped and then buried sewn up in pigskins! No 72 virgins for YOU, Mr. Mohammed!

 

by barcodeking
3-04-03
"An Undisclosed Location"
I'm hungry! When are you going to feed me?
You'll get breakfast in the morning, Mr. Mohammed.
What's on the menu?
Bacon, ham, pork sausage (your choice of links or patties), and biscuits in sausage gravy.
I can't eat pork; it's against my religion. What's for lunch?
What a shame! Barbecued pork, pork chops, ham hocks and all the Pabst Blue Ribbon beer you can drink. Mmm-mmmm!

 

by barcodeking
3-05-03
At My House
It says here that "The Matrix Reloaded" comes out on May 15th.
Let's go see it!
Don't be silly. They don't let cats into theaters!
You could tell them that I'm a "seeing-eye cat"...
That would make me "blind." Why would a blind man be taking his seeing-eye cat to the movies?
Never mind. I guess I'll just have to wait for the DVD.

 

by barcodeking
3-06-03
Yo, bitch, I got a job for ya. Client needs a spokes-ho!
Where am I going?
They having a convention at the Plaza Hotel downtown. Be sure they use conundrums!
You got it, Sly!
Funeral Directors Convention
So, have you got your lines down?
"Oh, I get soooo horny when I see a man with a shiny new coffin! It makes me want to jump his bones right then and there!"

 

by barcodeking
3-07-03
President Bush: "It's time for people to show their cards and let the world know where they stand when it comes to Saddam Hussein."
Chermany hass four chokers.
Ha.. France has FIVE of ze jokers! What about you, Russia?
SIX jokerskis, comrades.
Looks like the United (League of) Nations is about to draw aces and eights.

 

by barcodeking
3-09-03
So, Karl, what did Saddam have to say about Blix's report on Friday?
Well, sir, he wants an apology, he wants the U.S. and Britain declared to be liars, he wants the economic sanctions on Iraq lifted and Israel stripped of WMDs.
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
Dang, Karl, who's his speech writer? I thought Goebbels was DEAD!
Whoever he is, he's got the concept of "The Big Lie" down, doesn't he?

 

by barcodeking
3-10-03
"The owner of a ruined British castle whose only known occupants are grazing cattle is facing a large fine for supposedly running an unlicensed television on the premises."
You have to have a LICENSE to watch TV in Britain? That's crazy!
They're demanding payment of 1,000 pounds for having failed to buy a license to watch BBC television.
Jeez, if we hadn't had the sense to have a revolution in 1776, that could have been us! But it's got to just be a bureaucratic snafu, right?
Mileham Castle
"And now, on the BBC, it's 'Eastenders' "
Blimey! I love this show!

 

by barcodeking
3-11-03
Pluto
I have some bad news...
What?
I heard that the sentients on the third planet are considering demoting us from planetary status!
But we've been a planet since they "discovered" us in 1930!
Darned nosy astronomers!
But what would happen to the mnemonic sentence "My Very Educated Mother Just Served Us Nine Pizzas"? No "pizzas," no pizzazz!

 

by barcodeking
3-12-03
Jerry Springer's Speakerphone
Mr. Springer, this is Ohio Poll. Re: Your idea of running for the Ohio Senate seat, you have the deepest negatives we've seen in 14 years of polling.
How bad is it?
You have 71% negative, 13% positive, 14% no opinion and 2% never heard of you. Republican Senator Voinovich would beat you 77%-16% head-to-head.
Is there any possible way I could win? What if the Republicans ran another candidate?
Another Speakerphone
Come on, Satan, run against me as a Republican. Ohio Poll says you're the only one with deeper negatives than me!
No way, Jerry! I'm a Democrat like you. Besides, you already sold me your soul to get that TV gig.

 

by barcodeking
3-13-03
I'm hungry. Let's go grab some lunch.
What are you in the mood for?
I'm thinking a burger, some freedom fries and a shake...
"Freedom fries"?
"French" is OUT! "Freedom" is IN!
I heard that they are also going to rename "chicken-fried" steak to "french-fried" steak...

 

by barcodeking
3-14-03
Karen is played by the Hippie
"Other nations besides Iraq have WMDs. Why should we decide who gets to have them?"
"Who died and left us the world's judge?"
"3000 people at the World Trade Center, the Pentagon, and that field in Pennsylvania."
Ouch! Am I bleeding?
I can't tell; I can't see your heart from here...

 

by barcodeking
3-16-03
At an Embassy in Baghdad
Well, Mahmoud, this looks like the end.
Leaving, Ambassador?
My government has told me that it is too dangerous for me to stay.
Perfectly understandable. If I could leave, I would, too.
I'll see you when the war is over, inshallah.
Inshallah, before April.

 

by barcodeking
3-17-03
Hell
I hear that we've got a celebrity coming to join us soon.
Yes, your Infernal Majesty. We anticipate the imminent arrival of the Iraqi tyrant, Saddam Hussein.
He cheated us twelve years ago, but he won't get away this time.
Where are we going to put him?
Seventh Circle, submerged in hot blood... Put him in the same pool with the Ayatollah Khomeini.
Sweet!

 

by barcodeking
3-18-03
At My House
Oh, jeez, look at this mess!
Somebody ate the whole bag of chocolates while I was at work!
Whitey, were you the one who broke into the pantry and ate all the Nestle's Crunch miniatures?
Hey, did you see any tinfoil in MY crap? Ask the dogs, man. They look REALLY guilty...

 

by barcodeking
3-19-03
I want my country back! Quack, quack!
Oh, jeez, it's that crazy Howard "the Duck" Dean again. Get Security out there, on the double!
Why does Bush want to unilaterally attack Iraq! Quack, quack!
"Unilaterally," Mr Duck -- I mean, Mr. Dean? Doesn't that usually mean "alone"?
Tell Bush he has 22 months to pack! Quack, quack!
Funny thing, Mr. Dean. Our "unilateral" attack will be supported by 45 nations...

 

by barcodeking
3-20-03
If You Liked Clinton, You'll Love Daschle-de Villepin!
I'm so ashamed of how badly Bush botched the diplomacy over Iraq!
Mais oui! How could you not be, Senator Daschle! But I, Monsieur Dominique de Villepin, am here to help!
Twice the Arrogance, None of the Guilt!
We Americans need someone who is not simplisme when it comes to foreign policy!
Someone who isn't hung up on silly little things like honesty and character!
Daschle-de Villepin 2004! The Leadership Democrats Deserve!
Someone... Like us! Daschle-de Villepin in 2004!
"That's the ticket!"

 

by barcodeking
3-21-03
San Francisco
Dude, are you going to the "Vomit-In"?
Say what?
Anti-war protesters are going to vomit en masse to show how sick Bush's war makes them!
You've got to be kidding! I paid three dollars for that muffin I had for breakfast!
We must all make sacrifices, dude. Aren't you down with the anti-war movement?
I'm down with my breakfast, man, and it's staying down.

 

by barcodeking
3-21-03
Old Europe Redux
We cannot trust ze British, Gerhard. We must make our own defense pact.
Ja, Jacques, und ve should include Belgium as vell.
Hey! Watch your feet, you almost stepped on me!
Oops, sorry Belgium.
So, we have our mighty rubber band gun battalions and spitball artillery batteries...
Und ve have our vasser balloon bombers. Nobody vill dare to attack us!

 

by barcodeking
3-24-03
Michael Moore at the Oscars:
"We live in a time with fictitious election results that elect fictitious presidents."
"We live in a time when we have a man sending us to war for fictitious reasons."
What about your stupid fictitous "documentary," which was chockful of half-truths, distortions and ouright lies??
"We are against this war Mr Bush. Shame on you. Shame on you!"
BOOOOOOOOO!!! BOOOOOOOOO!!! BOOOOOOOOO!!!

 

by barcodeking
3-25-03
At My House
[type type type] Hee hee! She is sooooo busted!
Why are you wasting your time debunking her story?
Because she was wrong...
She's always saying something wrong. Even a quadruped like me can see that.
Quadru--?
Oops! Sorry, Durwood, I keep forgetting that you're not the omniscient one. Ask her.

 

by barcodeking
3-26-03
At My House
Did you see that she called me a "warmonger"?
Well, you are, aren't you?
I prefer the term "promoter of Iraqi liberation."
Hey, don't go all politically correct on me now! "Warmonger" is a fine title, and a badge of honor these days. Churchill was a "warmonger." So were Roosevelt and Truman.
You've got a point there.
Now that we've got your existential crisis out of the way, how about some "Meow Mix"? Those Iraqis in Basra aren't the only ones who are hungry!

 

by barcodeking
3-27-03
At My House
Wow! A guy in Scotland is planning on early retirement after winning 132,000 pounds on a 7.50 pound bet on four "virtual" horse races.
How much is that in real money?
A little over $84,000.
You can't retire on that, or you'll end up eating virtual dog food.
Or virtual haggis. And there weren't even any real horses involved. It's all computer generated with random numbers.
I'll bet you could do that with comic strips, too.

 

by barcodeking
3-28-03
U.S. envoy to the U.N. John Negroponte walkedout of a debate on the Iraqi war Thursday after Iraq's ambassador accused the United States of trying to exterminate the Iraqi people.
"Exterminate"?! What have we killed, about 300 civilians, according to them...
''I did sit through quite a long part of what he had to say, but I'd heard enough,'' U.S. Ambassador John Negroponte said.
If we were TRYING to "exterminate" them, there'd only be about 300 Iraqi civilians left ALIVE!
Iraq's UN envoy, Mohammed Al-Douri accused the United States of a military campaign to wipe out the Iraqi people.
Shouldn't that be Mohammed Al-COMBOVER? Jeez, dude, get a toupee or shave it off! You're not fooling anyone!

 

by barcodeking
3-30-03
Medina Republican Guards Division HQ, South of Baghdad
Reuters says that the invaders are taking an "operational pause."
Praise be to Allah! I thought those attack helicopters and B-52s would never stop!
You and your big mouth...

 

by barcodeking
3-31-03
Chris Rock and John Mellencamp's Agent is Blunt:
As your agent, guys, I've got to tell you it's a bad idea to speak out against President Bush right now. We don't want to get "Dixie-Chicked."
Somewhere Overseas
Shit, we've been verbed!

 

by barcodeking
4-01-03
All triplets in North Korea are being forcibly removed from parents after their birth and dumped in bleak orphanages.
The policy is carried out on the orders of Stalinist dictator Kim Jong-il, who has an irrational belief that a triplet could one day topple his regime.
We can only hope.

 

by barcodeking
4-02-03
Iraq says that Saddam Hussein will give a speech on live TV. Instead, we get Information Weasel Mohammed al-Sahhaf.
Saddam says, "Kill the invaders!"
Really, he does! Would I lie to you?
They're not buying it, Saddam.
Tell them I've been DISARMED, for Prophet's sake!

 

by barcodeking
4-03-03
Iraqi Information Weasel Mohammed al-Sahhaf holds another press conference:
The American invaders are NOT at the outskirts of Baghdad! That is not true!
We are in control of everything and the enemy is retreating! If we weren't in control, would the lights still be on in Baghdad?
And then, everything went black...
Shit...

 

by barcodeking
4-04-03
Listen to this story: "A woman lion tamer has run away from a circus in Germany with eight lions, two tigers and the circus director's son, police said on Friday."
Don't say it!
"The woman, in her late 40s, is believed to have developed a close relationship with the 20-year-old man she was training to become a lion tamer."
Don't say it!
" 'If she can handle lions and tigers she shouldn't have trouble with a 20-year-old man,' said Georg Dongowski, spokesman for the Melle police."
Arrrggghhh!!! I HAVE to say it: "But can he handle that much pussy?"

 

by barcodeking
4-05-03
At My House
It's getting weird in South America: A group of Chilean farmers are hunting vampires after their chickens died mysteriously.
Who are they looking for, Colonel Dracula?
A university is being investigated by police in Chile after it hired a group of strippers to entertain students.
Ay, caramba!
And police in a town in Ecuador are investigating reports of a little, green man seen walking down the street.
That Peruvian Marching Powder gets around, doesn't it?

 

by barcodeking
4-06-03
At My House
Uh-oh. The forecasters are predicting a severe hurricane season.
Define "severe."
The guy says they're predicting 140% of normal activity: Eight hurricanes, including three severe ones with winds up to 111 mph.
It's a lot simpler to me...
Oh?
If the hurricane hits US, it's severe.

 

by barcodeking
4-07-03
Hell
I've got another Iraqi for you, your Infernal Majesty. Some fellow with the charming name "Chemical Ali."
Seventh Circle, submerged in a pool of hot blood.
It's starting to get a bit crowded over there, boss.
Damn those Americans! How am I supposed to keep up with this influx when they're killing Iraqi soldiers by the thousands every day?
They're bound to run out of targets sooner or later. Maybe we should open another wing on that circle?
Sure, we'll name it for Saddam Hussein. Maybe that will make up for some of the airports and hospitals that are being stripped of the name!

 

by barcodeking
4-08-03
Someplace Very, Very Hot
Brother, doesn't this seem to be a bit warm for Paradise? This feels like Baghdad in midsummer!
... 66, 67, 68, 69 -- Quiet, brother, I'm counting! 70, 71, 72. There are 72 of us here.
And where are my 72 virgins?
I've got a bad feeling about this...
Uh-oh.
Okay, virgins! Line up, bend over and spread 'em! Time to break you all in!

 

by barcodeking
4-09-03
Iraq will be a QUAGMIRE!
Iraq will be another VIETNAM!
Baghdad will be another STALINGRAD!
Are you Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf in disguise?

 

by barcodeking
4-10-03
Somewhere In Old Europe
Bonjour, American friends! It is we, your faithful friends and loyal allies, France and Germany!
Ve congratulate you on your deposing of Saddam Hussein's regime.
We were right behind you all ze way. If you had not rushed in so precipitously, you would have seen us following right behind you.
Ja, ve are OLD Europeans, zo ve don't move zo quickly any more. You'll find out vhen you get old in a few hundred years.
Anyway, we know zat you are a busy hyperpower, always rushing here and zere, zo we zought it might be better if you let ze United Nations run Iraq.
Ve are sure dot der U.N. vould fairly award contracts for oil und schtuff like dot, in a COMPLETELY unbiased vay...

 

by barcodeking
4-11-03
I saw on TV that CENTCOM has printed decks of playing cards with pictures of wanted Iraqi leaders on them.
Really?
Yeah. Saddam Hussein is on the Ace of Spades.
The "death card." How appropriate! I wonder who is on the Queen of Spades?
I'm guessing Rihab Taha, aka "Doctor Germ."
Yeah, she deserves to be on that card. I wonder if I could find a deck of those cards on eBay?

 

by barcodeking
4-12-03
At My House
Well, that's that. I knocked out today's cartoon.
You're not going to use that stale Bill Clinton joke about the brothel parrot, are you?
Well, I was going to. I typed out the whole thing. All have I have to do is click on the "Save" button.
Why don't you make fun of someone relevant, like Iraqi U.N. ambassador Mohammed al-Douri?
The "combover king"? He schlepped out of New York yesterday on his way to Syria.
You have to admit, he's still more relevant than Bill Clinton.

 

by barcodeking
4-14-03
Last Week, In a Cave Somewhere in Waziristan
Ring... Ring... Ring... "Hi, this is Osama bin Laden. I'm can't come to the phone right now. I'm probably out blowing up infidels or something. Leave a message at the tone..." BEEEEEEEEEP!
Wonder who it is?
Osama, this is Saddam... If you're there, pick up, please! I need your help! The infidels are trying to kill me!
Hey, Saddam, what's shaking?
Most of my bunkers, that's what's shaking! Who knew that their bombs were so damned accurate? A man can't even eat dinner with his henchmen in peace!
Well, after Tora Bora, I did! You should have listened to me, buddy. Syria is nice this time of year...

 

by barcodeking
4-15-03
Tax Day
Your Federal taxes for last year were $8,746.
Ouch.
On the bright side, you got to keep most of the rest of it, other than Social Security and Medicare deductions, plus all those other little things that come out of your paycheck.
I don't feel too bad about paying my taxes. At least they did some good with the money.
How do you know? They might have used your money to pay Sen. Clinton's salary.
I prefer to think that my money went for a JDAM for Saddam.

 

by barcodeking
4-16-03
Modesto, CA: Skeletal remains of woman, newborn baby boy found in coastal waters. DNA identification is pending, but probably Laci Peterson and her unborn baby, who disappeared December 24th.
In Iraq, wanted terrorist Abu Abbas (Achille Lauro, 1985), is arrested by U.S. troops
You're under arrest, Abbas! And this time, we're not letting the Italians bungle it!
Oh, shi'ite!
Scott Peterson has a theory:
Abu Abbas must have shot her and pushed her body off the side of the boat. Hey, he did it before!

 

by barcodeking
4-21-03
Mr. Garner, our people want to know why you Americans haven't already fixed everything in Iraq and left yet?
Rome wasn't built in a day. Berlin and Tokyo weren't rebuilt in a day, either.
And what about all that looting to which your soldiers turned a blind eye? All of our antiquities were stolen from the museum!
Funny thing... The museum looters seemed to have had keys.
Keys?
Keys. And strangely enough, some of the antiquities are already turning up in France. Quelle surprise, eh?

 

by barcodeking
4-22-03
Here's a story for you: "A dog in California has survived being hit by a car, being shot in the head and being stuck in a freezer for two hours - all in the one day."
You've got to be kidding me.
"Dosha was first hit by a car in Clearlake and then shot by a police officer who was trying to put the animal out of its misery."
'Dosha,' huh? I figured the dog's name had to be 'Lucky'!
The dog was presumed dead and taken to an Animal Control center and put in a freezer. However, a few hours later an official went to the freezer and found Dosha alive - but cold."
"Officer Kevorkian! Paging Officer Kevorkian! Your patient pulled through!"

 

by barcodeking
4-24-03
At My House
It says here that some guy in India named Ranvir Singh accidentally set his house on fire trying to kill a mouse.
Fire? What, he couldn't find a cat to do the job?
Evidently he caught the mouse in a trap, tied a kerosene-soaked rag around the mouse's tail and set it on fire.
That's not funny, that's *Sikh!
*All Sikhs take the last name "Singh," which means "Lion"
But the mouse escaped the trap, ran all around the house, setting fire to everything and gutting the house.
Are you sure he wasn't just trying to make Mouse Vindaloo? I've heard it's quite good...

 

by barcodeking
4-25-03
Nuts! I am completely uninspired.
I have absolutely nothing clever to say today.
Screw it! I'm just going to fire up "Morrowind" and do some more adventuring.
How come you never play one of those handsome cat-headed Khajiits? Are you prejudiced against cats?

 

by barcodeking
4-27-03
Howard Dean on CNN's "Wolf Blitzer Reports":
But governor, aren't the people of Iraq so much better off now without Saddam Hussein on their back?
We don't know that yet, Wolf. We still have a country whose city is mostly without electricity. The problem now is how to govern, and that's where the real rubber is underneath the road.
He's toast, sir! The Democrats think that anyone that inarticulate is too stupid to run the country!
"Rubber underneath the road?" Dang, that's a good one!

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