All comics by umpire

Profile

 

by umpire
1-19-03
Crash and Burn: Smack Iraq
Why the hell are we going to push around the poor Iraqi people? Isn't their lot in life bad enough?
If the bastards had their hands around our throats and could squeeze, my guess is that they would till we were blue!
What about the starving children, the lack of medical aid?
We never stopped food or medical supplies... How do you get so confused.
Iraq is weak, what could they do to anybody?
You are as limp as Phil Donahue...

 

by umpire
1-23-03
Crash and Burn: You deserve a break today.
Hey, McDonalds won their court case...I guess you must be sad.
Well, kind of...
The judge said that you guys must have had some idea that eating high fat foods every day of your life for years wasn't good for you.
Sort of...
So, you're sad that you did all that damage to your health?
Nah, I just figured that I coul have bought 46,153,846 hamburgers with the money I would have got out of them!

 

by umpire
1-23-03
Crash and Burn: Hey, Pete Townshend!!!
Okay, can I have your credit card number... for your investigation... Right?

 

by umpire
1-24-03
Crash and Burn: Monkey on my back
Hey, Mr. Whiskers, I escaped from hell, and I'm back to kick your fuzzy butt!
Oh, crap it's the little bastard from the November 24 strip!
I don't know how you did that but I'm going to get you back you banana sucking primate!
I don't think so... I'll just use my magic 'nanner...
Hey, your a strong young man... Wanna see if you can break out of these handcuffs???
John Wayne Gacey!!! I hate that monkey!

 

by umpire
2-01-03
Crash and Burn: God Bless you Columbia
February 1, 2003
I just can't believe it... they're gone...
God bless them... and the families they left behind....

 

by umpire
2-02-03
Crash and Burn: The Fats of Life
Man, I love fat chicks...
Dude, like I'm eating here!!!
They've got so many great qualities...
You don't say.
So many folds to explore...
You got a point, when Dolly Parton was porky I always wanted to live in her cleavage!!!

 

by umpire
2-02-03
Crash and Burn: Next to Godliness
You smell...
I'm nervous, and it affects my stomach...
I don't think I've ever seen you clean yourself.
What are you from the cleanliness police?
I'm a cat, it's what we do...
What you do is lick your matted hair and every month or so cough up a ball of yarn...

 

by umpire
2-02-03
Crash and Burn: Tangent
The Cat tells me you've been giving him a hard time.
He insulted me.
You have to change your ways... You leave skid marks on the furniture.
So, sue me I'm gassy.
Cat is so smooth and clean, you can take pointers from him.
I'd like to bury that fuzzy doody digger!

 

by umpire
2-05-03
Crash and Burn: Monkey wet dreams.
Gee, Condalisa Rice...
Hi, Burn... You know you're asleep and this is only a dream, right?
You're so smart and so tight! I'd love to make you squeal!
Uh, and you're so, so....
Sexy and hung...?
More like brown and sticky...

 

by umpire
2-05-03
Crash and Burn: Contractual Obligation Cartoon
Awww, Kitty you're so cute!
Meow...meow...
Come here little puss... Let me pet you.
Meow..
Why do hot chicks like cats even more than guys...?
I'm warm and fuzzy, but you want the truth? If guys had tongue texture I'd be out in the streets...

 

by umpire
2-05-03
Crash and Burn: I have needs!
Come on...
???
Do it...
Ummm....???
You can do it!!!
I don't think my eyestalk will fit!

 

by umpire
2-09-03
Crash and Burn: Doomed to Repeat...
The French won't back us in Iraq, neither will the Krauts!
Stinking sissies... Neither one of them backed us back in June 1944... Why should they now?
Well, let's be fair, the Nazi's were our enemies... and the French were just too happy to assist their new masters...
We should have just by-passed France and let the Jerries have 'em!
Now, they're just scared that the only national leader that still thinks that the Beret is a man's hat will be deposed!
I could forgive the Frogs if they would just bathe once in awhile!

 

by umpire
2-09-03
Crash and Burn: By-pass the pussies
I've heard that people want to shut down the manned space program since the Columbia went down.
We're not used to watching our investments as well as some brave Americans burn up on the way home.
I guess you can't keep telling them about Tang and teflon anymore...
We've almost given up with the spirit of adventure!!!
.There are always losses in any endeavor
If 21st century man had to explore the new world, we'd still be sitting on the shores of Portugal!

 

by umpire
2-16-03
Crash and Burn: Twilight's Last Gleaming
No war for oil! No war for oil.
Yeah, take a stand...
No war for oil! No war for oil.
We can't be the world's policeman; Russia, France and Germany are right...We can't attack first!!!.
Get what you were after?
Sure, we'll have peace in our time!!!

 

by umpire
2-16-03
Crash and Burn: Non-Dick Jokes
Did you hear about the bully who was a leper?
No, what about him?
He'd walk around and get in everyones face saying "You want a piece of me... You want a piece of me???
Huh...ha hahaa!!!
You like it?
Popped a boner didn't I?

 

by umpire
2-16-03
Crash and Burn: Sponsored by Nike
Momma you so fine... you come back to m' crib... I'll show you Godl babyl
You is tight baybeee. Unh! I'd like to groove with you.Lil' Missy....
Whadda ya say?
There's no fuckin' way you're Tiger Woods!

 

by umpire
2-17-03
Crash and Burn: Relevance
You know I was in special ops for the government...
Steven Segal... Jeez...
And the mob wanted a hundred grand for every movie I was in...
But I didn't let them push me around...Wanna see me break something?
As long as it's Sean Penn's neck..

 

by umpire
2-17-03
Crash and Burn: Party like it's Ninteen ninety-nine give or take four years!
Would you go out and mingle!
I think I got into some tainted cheez whiz.
Cheez-Whiz isn't even real food!
Now you tell me... It was all runny and smelled like tuna gone bad! And why do you leave Cheez whiz on your bedside table?
Oh, crap! I told you to stay out of my Astro-glide!!!
No wonder why those 'nanners went down so easy!

 

by umpire
2-17-03
Crash and Burn: Who invited her?
I like a man who will try to put me in my place, then I kick the living crap outta him!!!
Excuse me miss, but you're blocking the door...
Of course half the fun is getting bloody myself... Sometimes I'll take a razor and just lightly caress my nipples with the blade.
My friends are waiting for me back at the party... can you let me pass?
When my man gets me on my knees I like to look in his face and take a little nip on his tool? Anybody ever love you like that?
Listen you stupid self absorbed bitch... I'm a cat! I just jump on em, and jump off! Now get the hell out of my way before they run out of Schnapps!

 

by umpire
2-18-03
Crash and Burn: ...And she farts dust!!!
Howdy, Granny...
Burn, how have you and Crash been... I never see you anymore.
We're fine, considering...
Oh, you mean the talk of war.? That nice Laci Peterson probably killed with her unborn son still within her? The slipping economy?
Michael Jackson boning some kids in the ass? The Catholic Church's refusal to bring rapist priests forward? The French trying to lead the EU? HIV hitting minorities?
Worse, Crash gave me some cabbage last night and my butt just redecorated the bathroom walls...

 

by umpire
2-18-03
Crash and Burn: Where are the P.C. police?
Excuse me, cutie...
You know if I was a man, you wouldn't talk to me that way...Leering and making sexist comments!
Well...um...probably not...
Just because we're at a party.. and we have been drinking doesn't mean you don't have to respect me! If I were a man I would knock your block off! What do you think of that?
I figure if you were a man I wouldn't want to throw you on that bed and stuff my winkie in you for starters!

 

by umpire
2-18-03
Crash and Burn: More Party Talk...
Why are you crying Alice?
Oh, that bastard bunny was in here. and I was trying to explain that I don't want to be treated like a piece of meat
Was that it?
Basically,he just wanted to toss me on the bed and do me. Like that's all women are good for! He just made me feel like dirt!
Alice you are one of my closest and dearest friends. You have a master's degree in Astro Physics, you've travelled the world... You're more than just a life support system for a pussy!
So, your saying I'm a brainy dog!

 

by umpire
2-19-03
Crash and Burn: Final Moments of the shuttle Columbia
Did you have to eat 12 burrito supremes!
I need a wet wipe!

 

by umpire
2-19-03
Crash and Burn: Guess who's coming to dinner.
Hey, want to hang out at the Honey Comb hideout?
What are you talking about?
With your mocha dark skin you'd look good covered in milk.
Why do I always run into no dick morons at parties?
Hey, I'm a former cereal logo entity? I need some poontang!
Hey, the toilet's backed up back there, you know it's part of a healthy breakfast!

 

by umpire
2-19-03
Crash and Burn: On the HOT SEAT
Holy Jeez, it's Ben Affleck, you were great in DareDevil... Even liked you in Dogma...
Yes, I am wonderful, huh?
I've been wanting to ask you something for some time now...
First off, no, I'm not gay... and neither is Matt Damon... And no, I did not bang Liv Tyler or Jenny Garner on the sets of my movies.
So,what the hell is it???
Does Jennifer let you in her big, fat, sweaty yet so meaty back door?

 

by umpire
2-19-03
Crash and Burn: Standing in front of the NEW FRENCH FLAG!
French should be the definition of SPINELESS.
Why do think that Roman Polanski ran there after being convicted of RAPING a 13 year old? No one in France has the balls that Joan d'Arc had... Sad really...

 

by umpire
2-19-03
Crash and Burn: Brave Gnu World.
Hi, we're the kids you're so worried about in Iraq!
Thanks so much for all you're doing around the world protecting us poor innocent children of the desert.
Yeah, if you didn't riot in the streets we couldn't get enough sympathy to fill a tin cup.
Strange how you Westerners will spend tons of money helping those faces you will never see... and if someone in your country stood up to stop abortions they would be labelled a "wacko".
They surely would never be elected... or worse be tarred with the title anti-woman!
So, just forget about the fact that if Saddam was running your country you'd be hung for standing out on a street and shouting slogans... Thanks again... Peace out France. Praise allah!

 

by umpire
2-20-03
Crash and Burn: Flipping off the Dickweeds!
Why do you knock France and celebrities that speak out against the war in Iraq?
Because I believe that you don't appease these extremist dickwads!
But America has never attacked a country without being attacked first?
What was the Mexican war? Bosnia? You must have attended public school!
Yeah, so what?
I have a theory. The emptier your head, the easier it is to fill it with bullshit!

 

by umpire
2-20-03
One day in Israel
Here I be, an unwitting accomplice of the Palestinian terror machine
Shalom, Mr. Donkey...
PETA decries the killing of Donkey in Jerusalem explosion, also 13 children killed. with little fanfare...
Oh, my God! That donkey was ruthlessly killed... Dammit! It's inhuman!

 

by umpire
2-21-03
Crash and Burn: Crash and Burned
Great White is still awesome!!!
Peeling the paint from the walls!!!

 

by umpire
2-21-03
Crash and Burn: It was the Breast of times... it was the Wurst of times...
I don't see a real reason to attack innocents in Iraq...George Bush is setting the wrong example for the world...blah..blah, blah.
Susan Sarandon... what happened to her?
I think Tiim Robbins banged the brains right out of her head!
But you'still dream about putting your dork between her mammaries!
All the time!
Because the dork doesn't talk politics.

 

by umpire
2-23-03
Crash and Burn: Focus Pocus
Things used to be so easy... now everything is so complicated!
You mean like should you put Snack Packs in the fridge?
I used to have no trouble distinguishing between right and wrong... Now I just don't know...
I know, it says they don't need refridgeration, but they taste so much better cold.
I'm saying that my moral compass is off, and you're going on about friggin' snack foods...
I'm just trying not to complicate my life... You know, like you ...

 

by umpire
2-24-03
Crash and Burn: Jokes on you.
Hi, I'm L. Ron Hubbard...
How is it being dead?
I have reached the highest state of clear!
Funny I can't see through you!
No, I mean I've cleared millions from morons in Hollywood...
Is it true Kirstie Alley ate John Travolta...

 

by umpire
2-27-03
Crash and Burn: Mirror, mirror...
Something's wierd about this guy...
???
That's better...
Cheers!

 

by umpire
2-27-03
Crash and Burn: Scream at the Boob Tube!
Sheryl Crowe, you've come out against the war in Iraq... you are so committed against this conflict that you've put signs on your guitar strap and even printed up tee shirts...
Oh, I guess she forgot about going to Bosnia and falling in love with the soldiers there... "I never want a regular audience..." Blah, blah, blah...
George Bush is a fool, and I don't think that we have the right to enter another country and attack the innocent inhabitants...
I guess she's just been hitting the bottle again...
...I got my 45 on so I can rock on..... Blah, blah...
God, I hope she doesn't go on about how she's 40... she looks 40...I bet Eric Clapton had to gag her when he banged her...

 

by umpire
3-02-03
Crash and Burn: Where are my rufees?
Just let me try it once...
No, it'll hurt!
There's nothing much there, I just want to see what amount of pressure to use...
Clango, I said no! What part of that don't you understand...?
You said I could explore!
I said okay to assplay, but nipple clams are out!

 

by umpire
3-02-03
Crash and Burn: Sign o' the times.
Remember September 11? How everyone was so gung ho and loving everything American?
Yeah, hanging flags, backing New Yorkers, who up until that day we just hated.
All those singers coming on T.V. and singing like they liked living here...
Now everything is up in the air, protesting has become chic...
We can't bring aggression against the peaceful Iraqi's, if we do it'll mean violence will visit us on our shores!!!
Remember September 11?

 

by umpire
3-03-03
Crash and Burn: Clear and Present 'Nanner!
Your age old friends the Turks won't follow G.W. into this war!
I'm not too sad about handing over 26 billion over to them...
Stop this madness, before you have all of the Arabs states after you...
Except for those three Arab states that called for Saddam to step down, of course...
How is it that you are so calm?
I'm not really, I have an order of pig-skin lined body bags heading this way for all your future war heroes.... See ya in Baghdad.

 

by umpire
3-04-03
Crash and Burn: The Yeller Terror.
How close are we to war with Korea?
That close.
Do the Americans need to fear them?
Only this much.
They might have nukes, how can you be so flip?
Cause they're only this big!

 

by umpire
3-06-03
Crash and Burn: The Burning Question
Hey, it's Susan Sarandon again!
Hi, Burn, what's up?
I hear that you're not happy with the political stance I've taken on the war in Iraq...
I think you're mis-guided thinking that you can discuss reasonably with people who hate us... and only want us dead
Actors should just act... Not be on a soapbox dictating foreign policy... I just hope that your career doesn't suffer especially when we go marching through Baghdad.
Hey, let me make it up to you... Slide your 'nanner 'tween my boobs... I've done worse to get a job.

 

by umpire
3-06-03
Crash and Burn: Too Bad Chrissie Didn't O.D. too!
Are we at war yet?
Fuck you ya bitch!
We deserve to be bombed... Bring it on!!!
Yeah! I hope al Queda gets a bead on Jenneane Garafalo's place next!!!

 

by umpire
3-06-03
Crash and Burn: Don't Mention the War.
Did you ever notice that every 7-11 looks the same...?
Yeah, I love it... No matter where you are, you can always find the Twinkies, even in the dark.
The coffee isn't Starbucks, but it'll get you cross country...
I just hate it when Ackbar mixes the french vanilla with the regular grind.
I think each store comes complete with a stock homeless guy with a missing body part.
I bet he's the asshole that always breaks the money order machine!

 

by umpire
3-06-03
Crash and Burn: The Road Not Taken
Hi, America. I'm Crash! A slightly disturbed, and weak minded robot!
And I'm Burn... The stinky monkey, who is engrossed with his own ass and whatever comes out of it!
I want a threesome with a copier machine and a PC!
And I want to fling my doody at passersby!
That's it, we can't take a vacation... Those guys will gut the franchise!
Asshole, what franchise...

 

by umpire
3-19-03
Crash and Burn: Nighty night
We here at Crash and Burn would like to send a message to Saddam Hussein...
Oh, and the Repulican Guard...
FUCK YOU!!! Feel American steel...
Thank you...

 

by umpire
3-25-03
Crash and Burn: An Army travels on its stomach
How many Iraqis have been killed?
Don't tell me... You're against the war?
It's not against the law to talk about the war!
Nobody said it was...
I guess your people are wondering how far the conflict will go, huh?
Nah, I just want to know how many hot meals we can count on.

 

by umpire
3-28-03
Crash and Burn: France... The country that smells like an ass...
Hi, I'm the victim of Roman Polanski's unquenchable thirst for under age sex partners...
When I was 13 he plied me with 'ludes and booze and then sodomized me... For these crimes he was convicted and ran off to France to hide out...
Now, I hear that since he won the Oscar for best direction, he has been redeemed by those in Hollywood... Maybe if Ted Bundy had been a director he would have been forgiven for his crimes too...

 

by umpire
3-30-03
Crash and Burn: Someone put a round into his dizzy bald head!
Mr. Arnett, what do you think of the U.S. slowdown in Iraq?
Due to my reporting, the Coalition Forces have bogged down, seen the errors of their ways and are going to turn tail and run...
So, the Americans have been defeated?
After the folks at home saw my glorious and impeccable reporting, they had no choice but to declare the war a total loss...!
So, now the regime can be rebuilt bigger and better than before, and the rapes and torture can continue as well as wholesale retribution to those that gave into the foreign devils...
Hey, Akbar, if you're not going to talk about ME and MY overwhelming importance to this and everything on the PLANET, this interview is over!

 

by umpire
4-25-03
Crash and Burn: The Doldrums
I'd like to stir up some shit, but I'm just not pissed off at anything right now.
Dixie chicks?
I just keep thinking that there's six nice boobies to stick my 'nanner between!
Madonna?
She's like Michael Jackson... just totally plastic, and they're about as tired as me!
Man, you are kicking back!

 

by umpire
5-06-03
Crash and Burn: Last word on the war.
Isn't if time to stop the debate on the Iraq war?
Sure. I haven't heard much being said though.
You don't listen to the radio or television.
Oh, you mean was it legal,? Was Bush just covering for the economy
Something like that... These stupid babies are still carping about how wrong America is... Oh, yeah, but we support the troops... You gotta say that...
Oh, yean, and also say that Ashliegh Banfield is a SLUT!

 

by umpire
6-05-03
Crash and Burn: Pox on Omnimedia
Martha Stewart, how does it feel to be so hated where you were so loved?
I made a mistake, it wasn't my fault...
Changing information, computer records... that's a cover-up...not a mistake!
I made a mistake, it wasn't my fault...
You lied to the government, lied to your company and to your fans... all those fat house frau's that looked up to you...
Fuck you, Chimpy!

Showing page 2.

« Previous Next »