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Now just kiddy-on this is a two-headed black eagle...

 

 
What a dull flag, Mu!

 
Weren't expecting that, were you?!?

 
THE SEAL OF THE STATE OF WASHINGTON 1889

 

I don't know how or why I thought of this. Must be the English Martial Spirit.
Sigh. I can't believe I've only got 700k in my Abbey National account. My Dad had to buy his own bloody castle.
Talking of my Dad, Ken, he goes down in history as the Lord of Civilisation. I, however, am remembered as a barborous cad.
I had to shoot a fox today, that had been caught in one of my burglar traps. Brought tears to my eyes. Wouldn't have given a toss if it had been a fucking person.
And while we're on the subject, I thoroughly dissaprove of this cowardly NATO aggression towards Serbia, a good Christian country who've never harmed us. What's wrong with massacring Muslims anyway?
But, worst of all, I died three years ago of a brain tumour and you didn't even notice.

 

The anti-war coalition amasses...
All we are saying is: Death to America, Israel, Britain and the Countryside Alliance, Victory to the Intifada, Cuba Libre, er... don't reduce the earnings link to pensions, um, ban power plants, er...
It makes me sick to think that Micheal Meacher can find literally thousands of pounds to lay mines in Iraqi nurseries, but won't the support the firefighters' totally reasonable claim for 216%?!?
I think we have to look at the root causes of terrorism, namely poverty and ignorance. If those hijackers had just had a chance at a decent European education then maybe... er... hang on...
All this lies about Saddam Hussein is some sort of dangerous tyrant, is all made-up Zionist hypocrisy. He just want what best for own people. That great anti-imperialist Hitler had right idea.
As does the other coalition...
I'm literally pooping my panties, Tone.
I can't believe we let people like this vote in Britain. I wish I had your job.

 

Well, been back in sunny Scotland for a while now. Pretty soon I'll have scraped my Third and be dragged into the relentless wage slavery of the Rat Race.
Sometimes it seems like my only friends are in America, Australia, prison or the library, or all four at once even.
Hey, it could be worse...
Oh, hi Martin!
Awright?

 

What a pleasant surprise; long time no see, Craw. What you been up to? I just finished traversing the globe, having spent the bulk of the year in the Antipodes.
Ehnawsomuch. Goat bootit affae dole eftereh founawiz punhinmaaaarse, sose moved back innae binhere.
Frightful affair by all accounts. I was thinking of moving to London and trying to get my foot on the proverbial ladder at the BBC or the Civil Service. Start networking. Et tu, Cartus?
Ah pitttmafuut inna fuckin turd tothernitemon, fuckinboggin. Affma fuckinheid mon puir shteamboatshbyrway know. Scuuuwbuttt. Soun. Chiwwwd.
Mmm. Any thoughts on the global economic slowdown, and/or impeding war in the Gulf?
Wheah? Awwtakeown allehehy fuckin bluenowsh inglishhuns mon fuckingadgies fuckn ranko cunnz ehlotteyem fuckin errafiwthmon BOWTIT BOYSHIESS!!!

 

I like your mind, it reminds me of my own; except that I am totally insane.
Go on, tell me what's in Room 101...
Come now Rabadash. Everyone knows what's in Room 101...
I don't! That's why I asked you, you spazzy!
Alright, I'll tell you. It's a big hairy rat with teeth like Leyre Mann. No, just kidding. Come with me...
In the place where there is no darkness...
NO, NOT THAT!!! ANYTHING BUT THAT!!! DO IT TO ANDY INSTEAD!!!
Er... can I help you? This is Comp. Sci. 303. I think you want Psychological Torture and Hairy Rats 101, straight down the corridor on the left.

 

Islam is just and peaceful religion. Is only infidel West try to make out is all murder and that.
Peaceful?!? The Prophet Mohammed himself launched about eighty military campaigns during the ten years from his migration in A.D. 622 to his death in A.D. 632. Islam was totally spread by the sword.
Oh. I not thought of that.
Pakibastardsaywhat?
What?

 

Christianity... well, the Church of Scotland... is a decent, just, peaceable, fair play religion.
Fair play?!? You try tell that to thirty thousand good Muslims burned at al Aqsa mosque on 1095. Not so fair play my friend!
Well, the Crusades were the exception to prove the rule, whatever that means...
Jewlovingpigdogchildmurderersaywhatevrrr?
Yeah, like, whatEVRRR...

 

Judaism is a non-expansionist, altruistic, generous religion. All these bad things that have happened to our people over the centuries can be put down to complete coincidence.
Yep.
...sppppsfrfrf...
...fnbnbnf...
Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha, ah, ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaa, ha ha, h... h... ha ha ha... ha ha... ahhhhhh... haaaaa ha haaa haa ha haaa ha ha ha ha... ahhhhhhh... b... b-haa ha ha ha ha haaa ha haa ha... ha...
Ahh heeeee hee he he he he he he heeee he... oh, oh, ho ho ho ho ho ho, oh, oh-ho ho, oh-ho ho ho ho ho, ah, ah, ahhh-ah-ha ha a aha haaa haaa haaa ha ha ha ha... hooooo, hee he heeee heee heee hee...

 

I wonder if that should be 'cutted'... or 'cuttered'... hmmm...
You infidel Zionists! You want crusade, we give you it! You come fight on holy soil, we throw you out of Allah's lands, we give you mother of all battle, we kill your children like you kill mine!!!
A word to the remotely rational, Mehmet. 100, 000 Iraqi troops died in Gulf War 1. Any idea how many coalition troops died? 234. The infidel has got mightier since then, and Saddam crappier.
And I am betting most of that was friendly fire...
So bend over basically.
Yes, effendi.

 

Seven Pillars of Nonsense...
And now, you die. Is time for my glorious martyrdom operation.
No, wait! If you have a martyrdom operation then I'll need a spinal operation. Before you suicide bomb us all to blazes, there's something you should know.
Go on...
My grandfather was sort of chummy with T.E. Lawrence, of Arabia fame, who united the tribes against those nasty Turks and drove them out for good!
No, is big egomania scam for little man. Was Australian Diggers halted Turco-German attack on Suez at Romani and El Arish in late '16, and spearhead offensive to push them out for Armistice.
Oh well. Fire a-bloody way then...

 

'Nothing is written' - except this comic strip by the look of things!
Desmund el Kholgayt???!? What the bali-hi are you doing here??!
Aurens... Aurens...!
That doesn't really answer my question...
Permit me to drink lemonade from the Wells of Abu el Lissal.
Hey, naw, back tae yer saddled-up camel's hump.
Ach. Whose side are you on, you towel-headed short-arse pansy?

 

Now you seem 'em...
... and now you don't!

 

The diplomatic build-up drags on, and on, and on...
It might have been better if, in the last strip, I'd said something like, "now you don't see them... and now you can't," cos you never do, do you?
Meanwhile...
Does not have same ring to it.
Those damn Frogs and... er... Reds and stuff. We could have kicked off yonks ago if they hadn't been buggering around at the UN.
Set your browser encryption to Arabic (Windows) now or incur a bolt of Tash from above, kids!
Er. You want buy Rolex? Foryoumyfriend, special price...
What's this, some sort of oil for food-style deal? No thanks! You've a cheek to call us capitalist! God, you're such a STEREOTYPE, Mehmet, really!

 

ÇÑÞÕ ÇáÊøßáøã, ÞÏ ÊÞæá ...
ÈÇáØøÈÚ, ÃÍÊÇÌ áíÓ äæÚ Ãí ÔíÆ ãÊøÒä åäÇ, ßáÇ ÃÍÏ íÐåÈ ááãÍÇæáÉ æ ÊÑÌãÊå, ÃáíÓ ßÐáß åã
ÍÊøì ÅÐÇ åã Úãá, ÓíÙåÑ ÑÈøãÇ ÇáÊøãÊãÉ ÈÃíøÉ ÍÇá . ÚÇÏÉð íÚãá .
áÐÇ, ÃÝÊÑÖ, ãËá ãÚÙã ãÌáøÇÊ ÃØÝÇáí, Ãäøå ÝÚáÇð ÝÞØ áãÊÚÊí ÇáÎÇÕøÉ .
ÍÇáÉ ÔÆæä ãÍÒäÉ ...
åãã. .. ÑÈøãÇ ÂÎÐ åÐÇ ÇáåÇÌÓ ÇáÚÑÈíø ÈÇáßÇãá ÞáíáÇð ÈÚíÏ, åá ÊÞæá ¿
Âå, ÌÇãÚå ÑÌá . ÍÓäðÇ - ÇáÊøßáøã ãÚß áØíÝ !!!

 

Almost as cheap as Princess Diana...
Hi, Butch! Welcome to the orgy!
Cheers, Reg. It's nice to be here. I brought my Dad by the way.
The more the merrier!
Before we kick off - would you like to have some of these habanero chillis I've been munching?
Don't let the son go down on me.
You big fag!

 

IsayIsayIsay.
What does Martin Sheen's son say to his dad when his dad asks him if he fancies fishing out the Sex Wax and heading down the beach at Cornwall for the day?
Charlie don't surf!

 

46 Turnberry Road is divided on the issue of rogue states and their WMDs...
You're 'watching' Sky News; the headlines at 11 o'clock: Iraq agrees in principle that its al-Samoud missiles should be decommissioned, but the United States says this is not evidence of disarmament.
Oh, bloody America would say that!
I can't believe you're being duped by Saddam. And I can't believe you'd rather stand up for a brutal tyrant like him than for the British prime minister.
Yeaaahhhhhh, wellll, there's a lot of other people would too now.
You make me fucking sick. You're still stuck in the Cold War and you're on the fucking Soviets' side. Fuck you forever.
He ain't kiddin'!

 

At the UN Security Council...
War.
No.
War please.
No.
Cash?
Bombs away!

 

General Tommy 'Franko' at US central command in Qatar...
On my signal...
... unleash heck.
Hot dog! BBQ Basra-style!

 

Geoff Hoon, Master of the Universe
I'd like to categorically deny that war has begun.
No decision on whether or not to use military force has been taken.
Meanwhile...
I'm watching you...
In other news, Iraq is in a critical condition in hospital after an entertaining harpoon strike by US/UK Marine trawlers...

 

It has been remarked that the world is a tragedy to those who feel, and a comedy to those who think.
Aaaaaaahhhhh, my son!!! My son!!!
Well, it's a good thing you do neither, cos you've a sick sense of humour.

 

UKPMTB gives diplomacy one final push...
I mean, y'know...
C'mon.
I'm a decent sortofa guy really.
Well, if it's good enough for Bulgaria...

 

You know, I have to admire President Chirac's principled stance against this Anglophone wardrive.
You know that Total Fina Elf has a $50bn contract for Iraq's oilfields, France sold Iraq its nuclear reactors and is Iraq's no.1 trading partner, and their envoy sits in on Iraqi cabinet meetings?
Sounds like an absolute coincidence.
By 'absolute coincidence,' do you mean, 'absolute cause and effect'?
It makes me sick that Bush and Blair want to wage war to get their greedy hands on Iraq's oil.
That's it, I'm joining the Foreign Legion.

 

Me and my pops -
Haw haw, I like how they got them to destroy their missiles before we invade them. Just makes it easier to kick their arse.
You... you think this is like the World Cup or something, don't you?!?
Ergo...
And you join us here just before kick-off in this crunch decider between reigning champions America Utd and unfancied minnows Saddam's Arsenal. Orla's at the touchline in Kuwait.
That's right Rageh. It would be an act of giant-killing if the Saddamites pull off an upset here. They're considered a bit of a one-man team, but could be lethal from well-rehearsed WMD setpieces.
Will the Arsenal even turn up, Orla? Do they have the stamina to last a full ninety minutes? Or can anything happen in these hostile away conditions?
We shall see, Rageh. FIWA referee Annan, dressed in black, takes both teams into the 33rd-36th parallels. There is quite a history between these two sides - we could see some pretty foul play...

 

You know Sahib, is not all bad in Saddam's Iraq. He good Muslim do his best in face of Anglophone sanction and aggression.
Saddam, he watch over you, from cradle to grave.
?
Si, effendi. Often in the space of a few days.

 

At barracks -
Well, boys, our situation could not be more grave. We face a grim choice: stay and get incinerated, vapourised or suffocated by BLU-82s; or flee and face execution from Rep Guard commandos.
I hope we've all washed our arses, cos they're about to get kicked by a cowboy!
One is instincively reminded of that computer game 'Civilisation', where you're an empire fighting the natives, and you've got A-bombs and they've got sticks.
When did you play Civilisation?
Oh, mostly between the 29th and 24th centuries B.C.
Where's that Exploding Dog character? I need to borrow his hammer...

 

All states are equal, but some states are more equal than others.
Can't say fairer than that.
In an unrelated development -
Mehhhhh... mehhhhhhh...
MmMMMMMMmmoooooooOOOOOOOOOOOo!!!
Tweetweetwee...tweeetwtettweett...
This reminds me of the Bay of Pigs.

 

Bush! Blair!
Ladeez an'... uh... Ah am prowd too pre-sent to y'all mah coyeelishun uh the willin'. May Gawd cuntinoo tuh blayss Uhmericuh.
Woop de woop nigga whuh?!?
Aznar! Koizumi!
Arrriba! Andeley andeley! Saddamo! Arrriibba!
My country's anti-miritarist constitution specifiarry forbida senda troop. Prease accept humble gift of birrions and birrions of dorrars instead.
Isaias! Er... that's it.
Me name is President Afworki Isaias of de State of Eritrea. You can tell de author just look me up on um CIA World Factbook.
"I'd prefer not to reveal my identity at this point in time."

 

So Ah says tuh him, guh-HIC, Ah says, y'all betta git yo A-rab butt inna exile in furty-haight ours or it's ring-a-ding-ding at high noon! Yes sirree, ol' momma's gunn open up a can uh whoop-ass!
I need a holiday.
Baghdaddy -
Shall we scarper, father?
No way Qusay. This'll blow over in a day or two, you'll see.
How you figure, father?
The American will back down when he realises he doesn't know how to count backwards from 48. Lol ;-)

 

This is what happens when I can't get to sleep at night.
Huh huh... dude, I totally paddled those guys' butts over at the Arab dorm. They are sooo fuckin' losers, man.
Like, no way, dorkweed. You are totally Japan's bitch. She way took you up the ass at those trade talks.
Shut the fuck up!!!
Aaaahh! Fuckin'-A, man, you didn't have to send in the goddamn B-52 strike! Gotta fuckin' dead arm now...
Huh huh, hey, dufus - I fuckin' dare you to tank one million barrels of oil a day.
Oh, Jesus Christ. Well, if I wanna make sophomore at the G8...

 

At the ballot box in Mr Webster's room -
Hmmm... so Pauline McNeill abstained from the Holyrood war vote - cowardice from any angle. Her only rival Sandra White is an even worse performer... though the Nats have dropped independence...
Glasgow list MSP Bill Aitken's meant to be funny, but what have the Tories done to earn my vote? They are closer to Blair's Iraq policy, which I support - but that's crazy talk! Voting Green too homo?
And what about the Council?!? I have an obscure personal grievance against our Lib Dem Chris Mason, but any alternative and Labour's hegemony is sealed! This is such an un-Orwellian nightmare!
Time's up. Everyone hates Labour now but votes for them anyway.

 

Saddam, alive but bored, sits around in a bunker awaiting a new and better life in Syria or Yemen or Belarus or wherever.
Er... perhaps, father, a game of chess to relieve the ennui?
Nahhh... it'll only remind me of my disastrous failures on the battlefield.
I dunno, I don't think I'm that good at bunker sitcom. In the next panel there's a joke I stole from the Guardian letters page...
How about cards? Blackjack? Poker? Craps?
Nah, all our packs have got pictures of all those infidel traitors on them.
What's all this crap about Sunni and Shia anyway? Everyone knows they've not had a decent hit since 'I Got You Babe'!
Alright... FA-18 Hornet? Harrier Attack on the CPC 464?
How about I just lash the soles of your feet? Arrrgh, this strip's a mess. Oh well, save it anyway.

 

Oh look, a disgruntled materialist.
Any decent person knows that the real axis of evil - comprised of Americans, Israelis and the Duke of Argyle - is the source of all that is wrong in this world. I take it you'll be voting SSP?
Unfortunately for you I'm not a very decent person. Look, my house is worth half a million pounds. I fly Emirates. George W Bush waved to me and I waved back. What would I want from you?
Tony Blair's lust for war is akin to a vampire's thirst for blood. (ACTUAL PAMPHLET QUOTE!!!) Surely that's a compelling enough argument for establishing Tommy Sheridan's proletarian dictatorship?
Sorry - by pigeonholeing me as an imperialist fatcat, cos my dad earns more than 23k, you've given me an utterly false sense of power over the 'working classes' which I will now cling to at all costs.
Before I go, can I have a brick to throw through your Lordship's window?

 

Actually, it's preposterous to imagine them doorstep campaigning. Still - a cartoonistic device...
A Labourette at my door. Tell me, did you support Blair's Iraq policy? Or did you call for his abdication?
I... I... I can't tell you. It's a secret.
How?
Well, I was too scared of my constituents and local party officials to vote with him, but I knew if I voted against him John Reid would do cruel and unusual things to my bottom. So I shat it.
I understand. Oh, could you give George Galloway this cake I baked for him? Don't tell him it's sprinkled with arsenic.
Mmmm, marzipan! May I?

 

A Tory canvassing. Don't see many of youse these days. Tell me, what did you think of the war? Without the benefit of a week's hindsight, I mean.
Oh, I was dead against it, mainly so as not to get beaten up round here. But - SNORT - I mean, you know, the next time a bomb goes off on Highburgh Road, how much was this policy to blame?
One might argue that our arbitary post-WWI border creations, plus your dealings with Saddam in the 1980s, contributed to the mess Iraq was in, and that we were under some obligation to sort it out.
Perhaps Sir would be interested in purchasing some top-notch medium-range al-Samoud missiles?

 

Ach, another electioneerer. Alright - how do you feel about American unipolarity? Should the West be 'taking on' perceived threats from within the Islamic world?
Projecting liberal democracy is historically misguided. We should remember that it was Muslims who treasured the legacy of Greece - the foundation of our civilisation - when we were in the Dark Ages.
Interesting - I hadn't thought of that. What about this election though? Won't people vote on the everyday issues, rather than on the war and all that?
Economically, the Scottish people are inherently Keynesian. Politically, devolution has destroyed the logic of full independence. The common man judges on mundane matters, not grand issues of state.
Hmm, you talk sense - I might vote for you. Which party did you say you were with again?
Who said anything about a party? I'm here to read the meter.

 

Ah couldna resist it...
Ach! What do you want?!?
I'm canvassing on behalf of the Socialist Labour Party. Once in government we'll replace parliament with a workers' revolutionary council of nurses, firemen and train drivers. Can I rely on your vote?
Ach, you people, you're just, you're, you're a...
You're a dinosaur!
Ach, I've had just about enough of your blatantly fascist cretaceophobia!

 

Hunter S. Thompson, I mean Halls East -
Section II, q. 5. 'The most important groupings of states in the world are no longer the three blocs of the Cold War but rather the world's seven or eight major civilisations.' Discuss.
Ach, don't get me started on all that clash of civilisations stuff, we'll be here all day. And what's this about three blocs? What was the third? The Chinks?
Secion IV, q. 17. Assess the idea that 'unipolarity' has become the defining feature of the international system.
I say bomb fuck out of Iran, Syria, Saudi, Lebanon, Cuba, North Korea, South Korea, Burma, France, Germany, Belgium, Russia, China, Chile, Chad, and to hell with what the rest of the world thinks.
Section III, q. 12. How strong is the evidence that Americans - and others - have been 'bowling alone'? (PS That's a stupid metaphor for civic disengagement!)
'The fuck am I supposed to know?!? My so-called studying routine has consisted of wanking, watching snooker and posting stupid cartoons.

 

Take your order, Sir?
Bill Mann! What cruel trick of fate has reduced you to this?
Well, the OU layed me off after they cottoned on to my being irredeemably nuts. But I still have my Rimsky-Korsakov piano concertos.
Oh well. In that case, I'll have a Big Mac, and hold the paprika.
Would you -
And yes, I would like mushrooms with that, por favor!

 

Arrr, swab te poop decks. Hi, I'm Bill Mann, Carmen's ex-husband, till I went and fucked some younger bird. I trust you'll be voting for the Falkland Street Independent Alliance on Thursday?
Excuse me while I quite literally piss my pants.
That's better. You were saying.
I find a light sprinkling of lunacy goes -
Yeah alright, I get the point.

 

 

I should make PPBs. Dunno who for though. Not the SSP anyway.
I am of Labour. I am your strongman and your patron. You can be my client.
I am of the Liberals. Strangely, I will give you a stern talking to.
I am of Conservatism. You can buy my goods and I will keep your services.
I am of the Greens. I will take your car but you can keep your planet.
I am of the Nationalists. I will take your country, but you can keep your house.
I am of Socialism. I will devour everything, and all that I touch will tower into mournful concrete. A grey fire will scorch the planet forever. The Party is the Shining Path, the Party is Truth.

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