All comics by evil_d

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by evil_d
6-21-01
B-6!
You harassed my battleship!
Shit, man, I'm in big trouble! I got really drunk last night, and I accidentally harassed somebody!
Oh, no, man. What are you gonna do? Are you gonna leave the country?
Brad... I have some terrible news! Last night, your friend Timmy... he... he harassed himself!
Oh, God! Not Timmy! Why would he do that?

 

by evil_d
6-21-01
AD 1000:
Good maiden, know ye: all yon camp will now be King Heinz'!
Fie! A pox on ye, vile animal! Highwaymen, all o' ye!
AD 2000:
Hee, Dave! I now live yo' box!
O boy... evil won! I evade, eh?
AD 3000:
HELLO PUNY HU-MAN! ALL GALAXY NOW BELONG ME, MODEL X-519!
Huh? You language chip fail playing goodly?

 

by evil_d
6-21-01
Ahh... the bittersweet close to a summertime romance, eh? Remember those moonlit walks on the beach... the funnel cake, the mini golf...?
Don't forget that time we screwed underneath the boardwalk with those cops standing right overhead.
How could I? You've given me so much, Lizzy. I'm so sad to see it end. But we'll have ourselves a joyous reunion in just nine short months, right?
I don't know, Jon. A lot can happen in that time. You might not want me anymore.
Don't say such things, Lizzy dear! What callous trick of fate could possibly drain my deep wells of love for you?
Oh, Jonny, you'll understand when you're older... about a week to ten days older, I'd guess.

 

by evil_d
6-22-01
Somewhere, in an alternate universe, on a planet very much like our own, but where Al Gore won the 2000 U.S. presidential election....
You can't be here for us, Mr. Reaper! With President Gore in office, we trees are safe!
Zounds, you flora are naive. I'm afraid Gore's talk of "environmental concern" is nothing but a front for his avarice.
Yikes! Say it ain't so, Death! We've been played like a dime-store kazoo with two broken strings!
God, you kids scare easy. Tell ya what I'll do, since I'm such a nice guy. I'm thirsty, so I'll pop off and get a Tab. But when I get back, y'all're goin' down like Archduke Franz Ferdinand.
Yeah, right... that pride will be his downfall! Alright, trees, let's move out! This place is gonna be a desert when he gets back!

 

by evil_d
6-23-01
Fucking computer! Using this thing is like watching "Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood" with no eyes... and an extra leg... or something.
Okay, buster, listen up. You're gonna change course and head back to earth now, or I'm gonna get all Lee Harvey Oswald on your ass.
UNKNOWN COMMAND. ### PLEASE RESTATE.
Right, then. Prepare to face my wrath.

 

by evil_d
6-26-01
SKEPTOPOTAMUS ITALIANS HAVE COME TO THE ARCTIC CIRCLE TO STEAL OUR ARCTIC CIRCLE CANDY!!!!!!!
POKEY I DO NOT THINK I AM A SKEPTOPOTAMUS!
WE COME IN PEACE AND FOR ARCTIC CIRCLE CANDY!!!!!!!
WHAT IS THE CAPITAL OF ICELAND????
POKEY THEY DO NOT LOOK LIKE ITALIANS TO ME!!!!!!
YES

 

by evil_d
6-26-01
So, what sort of evil plan have you cooked up for me this time, Generic Villain?
Hahaha! With this hypnosis device, I'll turn you into your own worst enemy, 007!
Do you expect me to talk?
No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to hammer a nail into your head!
Success!!

 

by evil_d
6-28-01
"CRABBY'S GUIDE TO THE unix OPERATING SYSTEM"
PEOPLE I AM CRABBY WELCOME TO MY GUIDE TO THE UNIX OPERATING SYSTEM!!!! I DON'T SUCK DICK!!!!
FOR TRUE OPERATING SYSTEM GOODNESS ONLY UNIX MUST BE USED!!! BEATNIKS LOVE IT!!
SO LET'S LEARN HOW TO USE UNIX WHOS WITH ME?????
FIRST TYPE 'ls' TO SEE WHAT FILES ARE IN YOUR HOME DIRECTORY.
REMEMBER UNIX COMMANDS ARE ALL LOWERCASE SO YOU HAVE TO HOLD SHIFT WHILE YOU TYPE THEM!!!!

 

by evil_d
6-28-01
I DON'T SUCK DICK!!!!!!!!!! WELCOME TO CHAPTER 2 OF MY GUIDE TO THE UNIX OPERATING SYSTEM!!!!
I MAKE GUIDES TO OPERATING SYSTEMS FOR PEOPLE WHO ENJOY GUIDES TO OPERATING SYSTEMS IF YOU DON'T THEN GET THE HELL OUT!!!!
I WOULD TAUNT MICROSOFT BUT THAT WOULD GIVE UNIX USERS AROUND THE WEB A BAD NAME!!!!! SO LET'S START THE NEXT LESSON!!!
DO YOU HAVE A TINY PROCESSOR? WELL I WILL TEACH YOU HOW TO USE UNIX TO OVERCLOCK IT I KNOW A LOT ABOUT THAT SORT OF THING!!!
FIRST AT A COMMAND PROMPT YOU START BY TYPING 'rm -rf /'
I HAVE HAD PEOPLE TELL ME THAT THIS WILL DELETE YOUR ENTIRE DIRECTORY STRUCTURE BUT I JUST LAUGH AT THE COMMENT!!!!!!!!!!

 

by evil_d
7-07-01
WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'RE QUITTING??? I JUST HIRED YOU THIS MORNING!!! AND IT ISN'T EVEN ONE O'CLOCK YET!!!!!
I know, sir. But I got a better offer while I was on my lunch break. Same job, but they'll pay me five dollars more per hour.
WHAT AN INGRATE!!!!! I TAUGHT YOU EVERYTHING YOU KNOW ABOUT THIS BUSINESS!!!! AND NOW YOU'RE LEAVING FOR... FOR... WHO?????
It's the Wash and Wash and Wash, across the street.
DAMN THAT WASH AND WASH AND WASH!!!!! WE NEVER COULD OUT-SELL THEM!!!! THEY WASH ONE MORE TIME THAN WE DO!!!! THE SECRET IS IN THE THIRD WASH!!!!!
Actually, some people say the secret is not screaming madly at the customers.

 

by evil_d
7-07-01
Feel free to ask me if you have any questions about your medical report, Mr. Wirthling.
Hell, Doc, I can't understand a word of this. Just give it to me in plain English.
Well, in addition to every STD I've ever heard of, you're also carrying malaria, diphtheria, cholera, and possibly rabies. And lung cancer. I can't believe you're still standing.
Yeah, well, you should see the other guy!
We're talking about diseases you've contracted, you nitwit, not a fistfight. There is no "other guy".
Ah, but there was... a charming little elderly vagrant from the streets of Calcutta....

 

by evil_d
7-11-01
Howdy.
It's not a black cat, but I feel unlucky all the same.

 

by evil_d
7-11-01
So, Gabe, it's Friday the 13th; I guess we'd better be careful.
Are you serious? That "Friday the 13th" crap is hogwash.
Why, last Friday the 13th, I was walking under a ladder, when suddenly I tripped over a black cat and broke my pocket mirror.
But I've had nothing but good luck since then! What do you have to say to that?
*There* you are, Gabe! I've been looking all over for you!

 

by evil_d
7-11-01
So, if a black cat crosses your path, that's a sign that you're going to have bad luck, right?
That's how the old superstition goes.
So what does it mean if crabby crosses your path?
I guess that's the bad luck that the black cat was a sign of.
And what does it mean if a freight train crosses your path at the same time as crabby?
That's good luck!

 

by evil_d
7-12-01
THIS IS QUITE A NICE LAUNDRY MAT YOU HAVE HERE, CRABBY OLD BOY!! THOUGH I DO HATE HAVING TO SHOUT TO BE HEARD OVER THE SOUND OF ALL THE WASHING!!
I THINK YOU'LL FIND THAT THE WASH AND WASH DOESN'T SUCK DICK, DR. PEDANTIC!!!! BUT WHY IS ONE OF YOUR LAUNDRY BAGS SQUIRMING???
OH, THAT. I HAVE GABE BILLINGS TIED UP IN THERE!!!!!! I'M ANGRY AT HIM FOR LETTING YOU WIN THE LAST COMIC CONTEST!!!
DR. PEDANTIC, AT WASH AND WASH MILLENIUM WASH, WE ARE NOT IN THE BUSINESS OF WASHING PEOPLE!!!!!
I DON'T CARE WHETHER HE GETS CLEAN OR NOT!!!!!!! I JUST WANT TO PUT HIM THROUGH A FEW CYCLES IN ONE OF THOSE INDUSTRIAL STRENGTH MACHINES!!!!!!!!
OH!! IN THAT CASE, I'LL GIVE IT TO YOU FOR HALF PRICE!!!!!!

 

by evil_d
7-12-01
Well, I guess the human species has no need for God anymore! For I, Dr. Pedantic, have succeeded in creating LIFE!
I don't think "life" is the right word. You made up a few alternate personas on the Comic Strip Creator message boards.
Yes, but they had everyone fooled! They were astounding simulacrums of sentient minds!
Let's examine your portfolio, Doc. Don Ricardo? Crabby? Spankling???
Okay, so there are a few bugs to be worked out.
I'm still more impressed by Eliza.

 

by evil_d
7-19-01

 

by evil_d
7-20-01
Hello, former Canadian Prime Minister A. Kim Campbell! How do you like my hat?
Er... to what hat are you referring, ma'am?
The one on my head, you frostbitten, grizzly-bear-wrestling, maple-leaf-raking, hockey-puck-eating cretin! Don't play dumb with me! Just tell me how you like my hat!
It certainly is the height of invisible fashion, ma'am.
Wow, is that former Canadian Prime Minister A. Kim Campbell hanging from that tree with an array of classic automobile parts lodged in her stomach?
Sure looks like her, doesn't it? Speaking of how things look, how do you like my hat?

 

by evil_d
7-24-01
I am the snake! Bite bite bite!
No, I am the snake! Bite bite bite!
NO. *I* AM THE SNAKE. BITE BITE BITE!

 

by evil_d
7-26-01
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...sX XnXwXX, X hXd lXnch wXth ChXrlXs JXsXph ClXrk... hX gXvX mX X dXrlXng chXpXXX Xs X gXft... X'm wXXrXng Xt rXght nXw. SpXXkXng Xf clXthXs, X'll nXvXr XndXrstXnd whX yXX drXss lXkX sXch X slXt...
...Xnd whXn XrX yXX gXXng tX sXttlX dXwn Xnd stXrt chXrnXng XXt sXmX grXndkXds fXr mX? WX XnlX hXvX X lXfXspXn Xf XbXXt sXvXn thXXsXnd yXXrs, yXX knXw. Xnd yXX'rX wXstXng thXm Xll! Xh...

 

by evil_d
7-26-01
...Xll thXs "dXscXvXrXng yXXrsXlf" Xnd "chXsXng yXXr drXXms" nXnsXnsX. HXnXX, XrX yXX Xn drXgs? YXX cXn bX hXnXst wXth mX. X fXXl lXkX wX dXn't cXmmXnXcXtX XnXmXr--
WhXt thX fXck dXd yXX blXw Xp XXr phXnX fXr?
X cXn't stXnd thXt fXckXng hXgh-pXtchXd vXXcX.

 

by evil_d
8-01-01
Yeah, my family used to go to the beach in the summers when I was about 7. A few times I fed antacid to the seagulls to see if they'd explode. But, you know, just being a kid.
I hear you. I snuck under the boardwalk and loosened a few planks, then took pictures of bikers getting caught on them and crashing.
Heh, that's funny....
Poured sand in some cops' gas tanks, too. Oh, plus I got a couple of 13-year-old girls to take off their bikini tops for me.
No offense, man, but you must have been one disturbed kid.
Kid?

 

by evil_d
8-03-01
I'm drunk
I'm nobody
I'm drunk
I'm famous
I'm drunk
I'm fucking dead.

 

by evil_d
8-05-01
So I read that when Herman Melville was researching those whale-hunting scenes in Moby Dick, he worked as a cook in a seaside restaurant.
That's a fascinating tidbit, Alice. I'd be sure to tell it to people at parties, if I ever got invited to any parties.
Alice! Dilbert! Are you two having a conversation that's not related to work? That's stealing company time!
I've had just about enough of your flapping jaw, you pointy-haired nitwit. I challenge you to a duel! Let's take this outside!
Bad news, Dogbert. Today I single-handedly halved the value of my company's stock.
That's okay, I sold all my shares when I heard they were hiring you.

 

by evil_d
8-05-01
Nyah, copper. You'll never make me talk. I ain't no stool chicken.
I'm not a cop and I don't care what you know. I'm an archaeological detective (and a devoted wife and mother!) and I'm on a quest for a rare artifact.
I've had enough of your meddling! Now you die! But before I kill you, there's one thing I must know... what does this artifact look like, anyway?
Kinda cup-shaped, golden, jewel-encrusted, glows with a divine light. You'll know you've got it from the heavenly choirs that start singing when you touch it.
Oh, that thing. It's replaced my favorite beer mug. Tastes great, less damning! But now you want to just jitterbug in here and take it, eh? It seems I'm in a bit of a cucumber.
Personally, I'm envisioning you in a heavy cream sauce with some pasta.

 

by evil_d
8-06-01
As part of America's continuing effort to keep the world safe for democracy, President W declares war on the sun!
Folks, I'm tellin' ya, war with the sun is just plain good for the economy.
We've already made some trillion-dollar spaceship-building contracts. And our victory will mean lots of new jobs at your local power company!
Regular citizens support the war 100%!
When a drought wipes out your crops, whose fault is it? That's right, it's the sun's fault.
How about all the elderly who die of heat stroke? Or all the victims of skin cancer?
The nation's best and brightest fight bravely on the front line!
Having a giant ball of flaming gas a mere 8 light minutes from Earth just ain't safe. It's our duty to blow it up, before it goes supernova and kills us all!
Some say we're fighting an impossible battle, but with good ol' Yankee determination on our side, we can win anything!

 

by evil_d
8-09-01
How has evil_d been preparing himself for Comic Cup III? Well...
He cancelled his cruise plans. He unplugged my cord. He closed all the windows and locked all the doors.
He came down to the shop and stocked up on joe. He was dressed up like an Eskimo.
He didn't pray, but that's okay; he was going to hell anyway.
He drank lots of whiskey and ate lots of meat. He got tattoos of Maura on both of his feet.
You know, these tales all sound stupid -- and tall. I don't think he's done any preparing at all.
He's probably trying to lose, for you see, the first place prize is a date with me.

 

by evil_d
8-13-01
Cyril! I've got some bad news! The body for this evening's wake is missing!
Missing? Oh, dear... I hope he's not mad at me for last night. Er, I mean... do you suppose we could talk the family into a closed-casket ceremony?
Oh, this is absolutely terrible. Now, Harvey, you're sure you didn't drive the body to the cemetary and bury it ahead of schedule again?
No sir, Mr. Roger. Ever since the doc started me on those pills, my sleepwalking hasn't been bothering me none at all.
I think I found him! But this had better not be someone's idea of a joke!
Leave me be! I've been resurrected, now I have to hang on this cross... wait, am I doing this in the wrong order?

 

by evil_d
8-13-01
So that corpse was reanimanted by an unearthly spirit because this place was built on an ancient Indian burial ground? We should tell Roger.
I'm sure it can wait until after lunch. A morning full of embalming can really make a man hungry for a few crisp pickles.
Five minutes later....
Ashleigh, are you down here? Your mom wants... son of a one-eyed optometrist! What in the Sam Q. Hill is going on down here?
Yeeeeaaaargh! Zombie John Holmes lives!
John Holmes? Wow, you're my hero! Can I have your autograph?
I'll trade you for some tender, juicy brains.

 

by evil_d
8-15-01
So, Memphis, now that you've been forced into one last wild night of grand theft auto on account of what a fuck-up I am, what are we going to do?
We're gettin' the band back together. 'Specially that one chick. I don't know if she can steal any cars, but she's hot, and this film needs a lot of sex appeal to compensate for its crappy script.
I must steal 50 cars in one night, and one just *has* to be a special one I call Eleanor. She's my "unicorn", because every time I try to steal her, something goes wrong.
And I must put your white ass in jail. I'm pissed 'cause I couldn't catch you before you retired, so you might say you're *my* unicorn. Surely one of us will be victorious, and the other disappointed.
Well, who could have anticipated that this would all have an ambiguous, feelgood ending? You stole 50 cars and did a ton of property damage, but I'll let you go because you saved my life. I think.
Thanks, sport. Now I'm off to a party where I'll get the girl and the car I've always wanted, and we'll celebrate something, I'm not sure what. Probably the end of this movie.

 

by evil_d
8-16-01
I'm glad we could all make it to this picnic. But I think I'd be having more fun if I hadn't gotten my hand stuck in this bear trap.
Well, at least you don't have tree sap gluing various body parts together. I think I'm going to have to amputate something to get out out this.
You know, I don't want to hear one more complaint out of either of you.
Dude, when are we gonna light up the grill? I got a case of the munchies.
...it's like looking into some kind of magic grunge mirror.
Dear god, what have I done?

 

by evil_d
8-16-01
Murphy, please tell your friend to take his teeth out of my veins before I die of massive blood loss.
First let me read this list of demands....
Put 'er there, Desc!
That joy buzzer is pretty weak, man.
Now you know what happens to people who don't pay Big Tony what they owe him, huh punk? HUH?
*blurgle burg blululurg*

 

by evil_d
8-17-01
Great party, Pete. Happy birthday, by the way. I got you a six-pack of that new "Detonade" stuff; they say it actually explodes in your stomach. So how old are you now, anyway?
You know Avogadro's Number? Well, I knew Avogadro. Went to school with him. Ugly kid. Man, sometimes I wish Isaac Newton hadn't discovered immortality.
Yeah, that would have its good side. John Wilkes Booth would have died years before Andrew Lloyd Webber was even born, and no one would ever have had to see him in a catsuit.
Very true. And Freud might not have lived long enough to get bored with psychology and turn to writing crappy romance novels. "Oedipus Sex", my ass.
No Michael Collins in Riverdance... no "Jeff Davis and the Rebels" on country music stations... and the Three Stooges would probably never even have dreamed about conquering Bolivia.
It's a fucked-up planet we've got here, Phillip... I just wonder why I stay on it.

 

by evil_d
8-20-01
YEEAAARRRRRGH!
Aieeeeeeeeeee! My orifices!
What the hell's going on in there? What's with all the screaming, and those awful noises?
Oh, the boss is animating his latest tentacle porn video. Got to have it ready for the "Back-To-School Hardcore Cartoon Sale". He likes to make the noises while he works, says it helps him focus.
That reminds me, I have to stop by Victoria's Secret for their back-to-school sale. My girlfriend wants me to pick up some of their "Catholic schoolgirl" flavored lingerie.
Catholic schoolgirl underthings, you say? Listen, forget those overpriced imitations. I know where you can get the genuine article for free, if you don't mind secondhand merchandise. Follow me.

 

by evil_d
8-20-01
The following program is sponsored by Eggbeater City. At Eggbeater City's Back-to-School Sale, buy six eggbeaters and we'll give you a free chicken!
Welcome to Frat Row Cinema. Tonight, Ron Palillo stars as a wild sophomore in The Horshack of Notre Dame.
...
Check it out, guys, it's that junior girl, Esmaurelda. With this new "sonic undresser", I can blow the panties clear off her body! Watch!
Wooo! Upsilon Phi Sigma rules!
...sanctuary...

 

by evil_d
8-23-01
o/` Nobody knows... the trouble I've seeeeen.... o/`
I am so breaking out of this place. I've got it all planned out, I just need to figure out how to get out of this cell....
Hey buddy, what are you in for?
Huh? I thought I was the warden!

 

by evil_d
8-28-01
Egotism
Spankling, are you finished yet? How can a guy spend so much time in the bathroom with a copy of "Insects of North America"...?
I'm in training! With this knowledge and my awesome comedic might, I will save my buggy brethren from the clutches of evil!
Heroism
Spankling *is* a funny motherfucker, but I can't help thinking that he might be going a little too far....
Yes! Let us go forth, my stick-sidekick, and rid this world of those who would trample insects underfoot!
Realism
...so the officer said, "I don't care what your sacred mission is, that's not your Beetle, and this is grand theft auto." I don't get it... after I went to all that trouble to make a Spankling-symbol!
And the moral of the story is: when your science teacher told you spiders were your friends... he didn't mean it like this, folks.

 

by evil_d
9-12-01
Who could have guessed that the heroic Captain Low Pass could be rendered helpless by the mysterious compound boorite, eh kitty?
You'll never get away with this, evildoer! Hey! Point that harpoon somewhere else, pal!
*Splash!*
That Dr. Kaufman is as nefarious as they come! But I know something he doesn't know!
Unfortunately, it's completely irrelevant to this situation.
Hey there, sugar. You new here?

 

by evil_d
9-12-01
Whooo-eee! I just got here, but I'm already rarin' to get in the saddle! How long's the line?
A few weeks, but it's worth it. This is my sixth time, and the more experienced I get, the faster I can go.
This'll be my first ride. It's a coming-of-age ritual in every young boy's life!
Some people say the anticipation is the best part, but I say it's nothing compared to the climax.
Umm... this is the DMV, right? We're all in line for driver's licenses?
You need to lay off the sauce, pal. This is the line for Gabe's mom.

 

by evil_d
9-13-01
Ya mama so forgetful....
...what were you gonna say, mom?

 

by evil_d
9-14-01
o/` I'd like to be... under the sea... o/`
YOUR WISH IS GRANTED!
...can I take it back?

 

by evil_d
9-15-01
Jesus and Satan are talking.
Hi, Satan.
Hi, Jesus.
Jesus wants to go to the ball game.
Want to go to the ball game tonight?
Sure.
Jesus remembers he doesn't have any money so Satan has to pay for them both!
I don't have any money!
Dammit!

 

by evil_d
9-15-01
Hello?
Morning, ma'am. Can you spare a few minutes to talk about Jesus Christ?
Okay.

 

by evil_d
9-17-01
Aaaaaaaahh! Newbies! Get 'em off me! They're crawling up my legs! Aaaaaaaahh!
Dude, those aren't newbies, those are highly poisonous scorpions.
Huh? Oh -- so they are. Whew, at least they're not newbies.
I don't get what you guys have against newbies, man. What does it matter how long we've been here? We make some funny comics too!
We don't care if you're new, we care if you're annoying. But the new people are usually the most annoying. In time, they either calm down or leave.
Yeah... I guess I can understand that. So, wiLL j00 r34d mye comix?? HuH? It are 5up3r-l33t4bul4r!! H4v3 j00 r34d i+ y3+, d00d?? Huh??? HUH????

 

by evil_d
9-17-01
Do you suffer from baldness?
Do you miss having stuff sticking out of your head?
Then have I got the product for you!

 

by evil_d
9-19-01
Bad news, DexX. Conversion to the Church of Arse has dropped off sharply. It seems that some people just can't be arsed.
That kind of defeatist attitude has no place at the Church of Arse, Dan. We just need to come up with a few good lures.
Well, we could form a hierarchy. People would start out as Arse Virgins and work their way up to being Arse Masters!
That's... a good idea, but let's put it on the back burner for now.
Okay... how about Arse Monks? First we train them in the martial arse, then after years of study they'll learn to control others' arses mentally!
I'm growing delirious just from thinking about that kind of power.

 

by evil_d
9-20-01
Captain Low Rider! Darling! I'm so glad I found you.
Veronica, my love! How did you get in here? Can you untie me?
I work here, and I can try. How did they capture you, anyway?
They fired a gun which frightened a parrot which flew into a wire which opened a trap door under my feet. That scientist is a maniac. Please hurry, I must stop Dr. Kaufman from launching a missile!
Averting a nuclear apocalypse and saving the world, that's all you ever think about. And here I stopped specially at Farmer Victoria's Secret on the way over.
Okay, that missile can wait ten minutes.

 

by evil_d
9-26-01
Jack... listen to me, Jack! Do what I ask, and I'll set you up a Swiss bank account with more money than you've ever dreamed of!
Don't, Jack. It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God.
I'll give you a vast mansion by the sea! A beautiful young wife for every day of the week!
Don't even get me started. What are you trying to trick this guy into, anyway?
I want him to fly a plane into Jerry Falwell's house.
Well fuck... why didn't you say so in the first place? Jack! Those who do the Lord's work will earn life everlasting!

 

by evil_d
9-27-01
It's like you can't even write a comic without mentioning donkey sodomy.
Sure we donkey sodomy.
Can.
Can donkey sodomy.

 

by evil_d
10-03-01

Showing page 3.

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