All comics by gabe_billings

 

by gabe_billings
3-03-01
How would a beer feel, Mr. Peterson?
Pretty nervous if I was in the room.
Hey, Mr. Peterson. What's up?
The warranty on my liver.
What's the story, Mr. Peterson?
The Bobsey twins go to the brewery. Let's cut to the happy ending.

 

by gabe_billings
3-03-01
How'd your date with Beverly go?
It didn't. She called yesterday and cancelled.
That's too bad. She tell you why?
No, but I'm guessing it has something to do with me being an hour and a half late for our date last week.
Oh.
Either that or the fact that I told her it was 5 for $5 at Wally's Discount Porn Rental and we'd be staying in.

 

by gabe_billings
3-03-01
'Scuse me, mister. I was walking my dog and he ran off. Have you seen him?
Hmm... What kind of dog is he?
A little poodle. His name is Mr. Scruffy.
Was he white, with a little red bandana around his neck?
That's him! That's Mr. Scruffy!
Go check under the back rear tire of my truck.

 

by gabe_billings
3-04-01
Now?
No.
Now?
No.
How about now?
Oh, for Christ sakes. Just blow the fucking planet up. But you're gonna be the one complaining when you can't find Happy Meals anymore.

 

by gabe_billings
3-04-01
Nice going, idiot. I told you not to push that button. Now we're stranded on the fucking moon.
Like it's my fault. What kind of an idiot gives NASA tours in a fully fueled launch vehicle?
Well we're in deep shit. There wasn't any food in that ship.
I think I've got a plan that'll solve our food issues...
You're certainly not going to eat me.
Fine, Mr. Not a Team Player.

 

by gabe_billings
3-04-01
Thanks fur meetin' me out here, Guido. I hate being all sneaky like this, but you know how hush hush this has to be.
No problem, Mr. President. So what can I get for you today?
I need another kilo.
Christ you go through that shit fast. But you're the boss. I'll have it for you by Tuesday.
Thanks, Guido. I can't believe those fuckers won't let me have Laffy Taffy.
It's criminal, sir.

 

by gabe_billings
3-04-01
Your sweetie asks you about her vocal ability...
Honey, when I sing in the shower, do you think I sound good?
I can't tell. I usually have my fingers jammed into my ears.
Do you lie just a little to spare her feelings?
Baby, Whitney Houston and Mariah Carey got nothin' on you.
Come over here, lover, and let me lull you to bed with a song.
Or do you let loose with the cold, hard truth?
Fuck! That was you? I thought the cat was stuck in the dryer again!
I wonder how much those do it yourself divorce kits cost?

 

by gabe_billings
3-04-01
Your wife thinks you should spend a little more quality time together.
You're going out with the boys again tonight?
I thought this 'spending time together' shit was just while we were dating.
Do you heed her wishes and try and get romantic?
How about I stay in and we read 'The Bridges of Madison County' together?
Maybe we can sprinkle rose petals on the bed.
Or do you tell her the real story?
Hey, if I got any singles left from the titty bar I'll throw a couple your way for a new copy of Vogue.
I'm moving in with my mother.

 

by gabe_billings
3-04-01
Your love tells you about her plans for the future.
I'd like to go back to school and get my MBA, then maybe think about a career.
Shit....
To you take the supportive approach?
That's great, honey. I'm glad to see you're making your dreams a reality.
I sure picked a winner.
Or not?
I'll give you five seconds to get your bitch ass in the kitchen where it belongs before I start cuttin' pieces off a ya.
I'm going... I'm going...

 

by gabe_billings
3-04-01
We here at Lowpass would like to take a minute to mention that there's nothing funny about domestic violence, although these comics portray it as humorous.
More than 175,000 women are victim to violence in the home each year, and this number is growing constantly. If we could a....
WHAM!
My head...
Shit, bitch. If the man Tooth-G woulda been 'round with Susan B. we wouldn't be dealin' with any a this shit. Soon's I find me a time machine I fix it all up.

 

by gabe_billings
3-05-01
Your wife lays down the law about your computing habits.
Honey, you spend almost as much time on that Lowpush thingie as you do at work. You're gonna have to choose; it or me.
That's an easy choice, dear.
Do you take the diplomatic route?
I'm so sorry. I've made my last comic and hung up my Lowpass hat.
That a boy! Let's go watch 'When Harry Met Sally' again.
Or the more severe?
... So that's when I chopped her up in the meat grinder and fed her to the cat. I got the idea from an old Twilight Zone.
It had to be done.

 

by gabe_billings
3-06-01
So this is the matter-duplicator, huh? This is what lets you crank out so many strips?
That's right, b.r. There are actually twelve of us working on comics at any given time. Let me introduce you to some of the boys.
This is number eight. He is our filthmonger and does any comics that need that extra edge to them.
Hey number one, you piss-drinking donkey-felching sapsucker. Choked down any cocks lately?
And this is number two. He was the first clone and we had a little problem with the transfiguration. Just don't make any loud noises.
I can't find my socks...

 

by gabe_billings
3-06-01
Just look at this, Sandy. We've lit a bonfire in the bottom of this Ultrex six quart stockpot and the finish is as good as new!
That's amazing Brad! And I must say it feels positively delicious when I rub this smooth Ultrex nonstick coating against my nipples.
I'll take five sets. No, wait. Make that ten.

 

by gabe_billings
3-07-01
You look cheesed off. What's up?
Just annoyed by some bonehead at the health club. All the lockers have built in locks, so you don't need to bring your own.
And?
And I open my favorite locker and it's filled with some dude's stuff. Why the hell didn't he lock it? So I made sure he wouldn't ever forget again.
How'd you do that?
I shit in his boots.

 

by gabe_billings
3-08-01
Where the hell is everyone? It's like something forced them all away.
I have no idea what that could have been.
BBRRAAAAAPPPPP!
Jesus fucking christ! Was that you? What the fuck crawled up your ass and died?
Sorry. I knew I shouldn't have had that fourth bowl of chili.

 

by gabe_billings
3-08-01
What's up? You look beat.
I had a wicked tough workout. I was doing laps in the wave pool.
No way! Your gym has a wave pool?
Not really...
But the forty tubby people doing aqua-aerobics in the shallow end sort of churned things up a bit.

 

by gabe_billings
3-09-01
Did you hear? DexX is back! He was just fiddling with school and playing video games.
A likely story. I'm pretty sure he was abducted.
You think?
Absolutely. They probably did body scans to see if Australians could be used as an alternative fuel source or something.
We're not getting any images on the DexX-Anal-Cam, sir.
Hmm.... maybe we should have anticipated that he'd put some pants back on.

 

by gabe_billings
3-09-01
I've got a great idea for a new reality based TV show.
Oh yeah? What is it?
There are these people, stranded on an island. With dinoaurs. And they have to escape. Before they get eaten.
That sounds an awful lot like Jurassic Park.
How about if the people took the dinosaurs out on dates?
That could work.

 

by gabe_billings
3-11-01
Hey there, ToothG; I've got news. A john just smacked me and stole my shoes.
Shit bitch, why would a man do that? Your shoes is ugly and your feets is fat.
He wanted to sniff them and lick them, I guess. And probably wear them with a dress.
We'll find this nummox and learn him good 'bout smackin' ho's in my neighborhood.
He asked me to shit in his face but I said this ain't the time or place. I think this pervert's someone you know. A little punk named ObiJo.
Shit, I know where that punk ass live. Go hop in the caddy while I get my shiv. Once I'm packin', then well go and separate Obi from the Jo.

 

by gabe_billings
3-15-01
I don't buy this school and job crap. So where were you really?
Well, it all started a few weeks ago when I was in Times Square lookin' for a some action. I'd had a little too much to drink...
...and then just a couple of days ago I woke up in a seedy hotel in New Orleans in a bathtub filled with ice and missing one of my kidneys.
Wait... Did you buy the Guggenheim before or after the date with Kate Moss? And tell me again how you set Alaska on fire...
Let me check my notes.

 

by gabe_billings
3-17-01
Wirthling really sucks.
I hear you, man.
No, I'm serious. He's a real asswipe. A goatfucker of the highest order. A turd-sniffing felchmonkey.
I get it, I get it. Wirthling blows.
He watches Dawson's Creek and reads Family Circus.
Let's lynch him tonight.

 

by gabe_billings
3-17-01
Well kids, today we're going to take a trip to the slaughterhouse so you can see where beef comes from.
Yay! I wanna kill me a cow!
That's the spirit, Timmy. And if we have time, we'll cruise down to the red light district and I'll show you how to find bargain blowjobs.
Gee Mr. Rogers, things sure have gotten more fun around here since you started taking bigger doses of that pain medication.
You can say that again, Timmy. Hey, did I ever show you the happy air the whippit gnomes hide in whipped cream?
Whippit gnomes? No way!

 

by gabe_billings
3-17-01
I did it like this, I did it like that, I did it with a wiffle ball bat.
Have you been downloading Beastie Boys songs on Napster again?
I sure have. And that's not all. How'd you like to here some Funky Cold Medina?
Hmmm.... Let me think about that.
No.

 

by gabe_billings
3-17-01
How'd you like to buy some naked pictures of your mom?
I dunno. Let's see what you got.
Christ, Oedipus. You're fuckin' spooky.

 

by gabe_billings
3-17-01
And so I said to him, "That's not a cup holder, you dumbass!" Haha!
You suck!
How would you cretins like it if I slashed all your credit ratings?
You rule! Tell us about the AOL chain letter again!
That's more like it, bitches.

 

by gabe_billings
3-17-01
I got you a really neat present. Go ahead and open it.
Gee, thanks Pete. Let's see what it is...
So what do you think? I made it myself.
A Rock-Em, Sock-Em Robots game. How sweet.
Yeah.
It would have been nice if you hadn't ripped the heads off and written 'Die, Freak' in the middle of the ring.

 

by gabe_billings
3-17-01
I'm Satan. I took the guise of a squirrel to come speak with you about an offer I'm prepared to make for your soul.
Why a squirrel?
The giant horned demon thing seemed to be working against me.
Oh.
So, about your soul. You don't play the fiddle, perhaps?

 

by gabe_billings
3-17-01
I was wondering if you'd like to join our union?
Just what kind of a union are we talking, here?
It's for underused Lowpass characters. We've got to stick together and show that we're just as good as Clango and the Three Reasons cowboy.
Sounds a little far out there for me.
That dog on the ball didn't want to join either. Then he mysteriously tripped in his bedroom and fell into a woodchipper.
Where do I sign?

 

by gabe_billings
3-17-01
So what operating system do you run, anyway?
Good old Windows 98, 2nd edition.
Christ, why don't you run something good? Don't you get sick of all the down time?
Let's just say that Mr. Gates was very appreciative of having a sentient robot run his OS.
So you sold out like a little bitch, huh?
Hey, running Linux ain't gonna get me a Rolex and a new Jaguar.

 

by gabe_billings
3-17-01
Happy Birthday, Jon! I got you a great present.
Wow, thanks Diablo. That was very thoughtful of you.
It's a new puppy.
Oh boy! Just what I was hoping for!
Did I mention it was dead?
No... No you didn't.

 

by gabe_billings
3-17-01
So this is the 10,000th comic, huh?
Yup.
Somehow I thought there'd be a little more fanfare.
What the hell were you expecting? Fireworks and a ticker tape parade?
I dunno. Some hookers, at least.
C'mon. I'll buy you a waffle.

 

by gabe_billings
3-19-01
Where's the beef?
Down near the end of aisle 12 in the coolers. But be careful...
I just waxed the floor and it's awful slippery.
Aaiiieeeee!
I've fallen and I can't get up!
Gee, I didn't know a leg could bend like that. Is that bone supposed to be sticking out? Maybe you should put some frozen peas on it.

 

by gabe_billings
3-20-01
So I wuz up near Rocky Gulch last night when this shepherd shows up with a flock a sheep.
'Zat a fact?
Yup. And he's yappin' into this little doo-dad; said he wuz talkin' to his brother. Called it a 'silly-fone', er sumthin'.
I reckon he wuz possessed by the devil.
That's what I figured. So I shot him.
Hope he didn't curse ya.

 

by gabe_billings
3-21-01
Doctor, what is it?; Will Gregory be OK?; How's my little boy?
Not good, I'm afraid; There were some complications; We operated.
Operate? Dear Lord!; What kind of a procedure?; What was done to him?
We needed a heart; and used one from a woodchuck; Not a great idea.
You pathetic quack; Malpractice suit, here I come; I'll sue his pants off.
I've learned my lesson; Man was not meant to play God; Even with woodchucks.

 

by gabe_billings
3-22-01
Clango, are there rocks ahead?
If there are, we'll all be dead.
Stop that rhyming! I mean it!
Anybody want a peanut?
Keep this shit up and we won't be having sex anymore.
I'll just have to rent a whore.

 

by gabe_billings
3-22-01
Ok, so what has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck. Get it? Flies?
Get off the stage, you hack!
Ok...
Apparently the jokes from my Bazooka Joe wrappers are too highbrow for you fucking yokels.

 

by gabe_billings
3-22-01
I just got another death threat! I don't even know these fucking people. What the hell is their problem?
Who's this bozo?
Gerald Mason.
Oh. Him. That's probably 'cause I slept with his wife and then called him up and told him I was you.
Thanks a lot, assmunch. Anything else you'd like to tell me?
Were you aware you're wanted in Nova Scotia for assaulting a shopkeeper with a giant dildo?

 

by gabe_billings
3-22-01
I got a riddle for you. How man wirthlings does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
I give up. How many?
Who gives a shit? Wirthling's a big penis, and no one likes him but his mom. And even she has her doubts.
That's a pretty stupid riddle.
I'm a pretty stupid person. What's your point?
Nothing, really.

 

by gabe_billings
3-23-01
This plan is perfect. Wirthling will never know what hit him.
You sure it'll work?
Of course. Once he falls through the trapdoor, the lemmings pour out of this chute. When they're finished the walls will start to move in.
Ha ha! Into the garbage chute, flyboy! But why are we using Ricky Martin as bait?
Two words, my friend. Repressed homosexuality.
Tell me... Were you born this stupid or did you have to work at it?

 

by gabe_billings
3-24-01
What's the line fer, Jeb?
Shorty the rodeo clown got hisself stomped to death by a couple a angry bulls. We's jest takin' turns pokin' the body with a stick.
Haw! Ol' Pete gone and knocked Shorty's head clean off!

 

by gabe_billings
3-26-01
"Lot number 456B, the mummified remains of the world's only known Siamese elephants, captured in India in 1856 by Dr. Geoffrey Barnabus. We'll start the bidding at four million.
Six million!
Five million!
Sold, to Mr. Yang, for $78.3 million dollars. I might add that we don't take checks.
No problem, snooch. Just put it on my Yahoo Platinum Visa.
I don't quite get it. You just more money than the GNP of a small third world country on a nasty hunk of dead elephant.
Well, yeah. But it'll make a bitchin' coatrack for my office.

 

by gabe_billings
3-29-01
We're gonna leggo this Eggo! SNOOTCH!
Form of a spatula! Wonder Twin powers, ACTIVATE!
This sauce is gonna be the fuckin' bomb! OLÉ!
Grub so good you'd shoot your momma fer a taste! YAHOO!
Pass the Grey Poupon. COCKSMOKER!
I'm rich, have a big dick and my own cooking show. BOOYAH!

 

by gabe_billings
3-31-01
I've just had 13 jell-o shots followed up with 4 Shiner Bocks and am totally shit-faced. What are you thinking right now?
I cain't wait fer yer ass to fall asleep so's I kin try on yer panties and strut around in some high heels.
What is your favorite kind of ice cream and what do you do with it?
I love Rocky Road. Specially iffen I smear it all over ma privates and see if I kin get some stray cats to come lick it off.
What is your idea of the perfect date with me?
Why that's easy. Layin' back on ma bunk with a bottle a ol' Crow watchin' you get fucked in the ass by Jasper here.
HEE- HAW!

 

by gabe_billings
3-31-01
You all packed, son?
Sure am dad. All the gear is in the car and I filled up the tank this morning.
Good, good. And did you rub that meat tenderizer all over you this morning like I asked.
Yeah, that was kinda weird. What's that for again?
Uh, it keeps away those big Colorado black flies. They can be a real bitch.
Oh..

 

by gabe_billings
3-31-01
What... what are you going to do to me?
The usual. A little anal probing, some drilling into your skull, needles in the eyeballs, skin peels. Good ol' abduction shit. Say, if you've got $50 I'll introduce you to Elvis.
The King? Surely you must be joking.
I shit you not. And don't call me Shirley. We've got all sorts of famous people up here that you boneheads on Earth think are dead. They're suspended in tanks of warm goo.
What kind of diabolical plan to intend to use those poor people for? Enslavement of the human race? World domination?
Aw, hell no. We're gonna wait a little longer and sell them all on Ebay then spend the money on hookers. If they'll pay $300K for his golf clubs think how much JFK himself is worth.

 

by gabe_billings
4-01-01
Hey Gabe, you've been slacking off with comic production lately. Only a handful in the last couple weeks. What's up?
One word, my friend. Tits.
What's that supposed to mean? You're too busy getting laid to write comics?
No. I just like to say the word tits.
So just how much glue to you have to sniff to reach your level of enlightenment?
I'm not sure. I ran out last Thursday and I've been mainlining Drano instead.

 

by gabe_billings
4-02-01
So that's pretty much the nickel tour of Valhalla and the surrounding celebrity row.
Wow. So, like all you do is pull a chariot around for Thor and get eaten now and then.?
I wouldn't say that's all I do. I produce some adult films on the side. You know, gang bangs, S & M, golden showers... That kind of stuff.
That's pretty nasty.
You really think your mom paid for a four year trip to MIT by driving a school bus part time?
My mother is a saint!

 

by gabe_billings
4-03-01
What's wrong little boy?
I've got diabetes. But I'm going to buy it because no one pledged any money for Gabe's swimming efforts.
Gee, that's too bad. Anything I can do for you before you shuffle off this mortal coil?
I only wish I'd lived long enough to become a man...
Tell you what... Let's take a road trip to Mexico. We can get sauced, stuff ourselves with tacos and we'll find you a nice, skeezy whore.
Yay! God bless us, everyone.

 

by gabe_billings
4-03-01
This is certainly an interesting resume. Why don't you tell me a little bit about your previous jobs?
Well, I have skills in leather crafts, sheep herding, beadwork, weaving, felching, witch hunts, toast, macrame, Sumo wrestling, origami, meat, hiking, biking, making friends, glassblowing, skydiving
I see...
I have been a mechanic/welder mostly from age 16 to 32 as a small equipment mechanic, toasters, bicycles, steam locomotives, vibrators, catapults, Cuisinarts, cannons, NASA launch vehicles, rickshaws
Yes, well....
Everything I say is true, verifiable & easily proveable in the United States supreme court with True Justice. If anyone tells you differently tell me and I'll tell you their crimes against the Reich

 

by gabe_billings
4-03-01
So how'd you're diabetes swimming thing go?
Eh, I pussed out and decided to get drunk instead.
Gee, that's too bad. Do you have to give back all the pledges now?
I can't. I spent them all on beer.
You're going to hell, you know.
Hey, if backing over that kid in the wheelchair with my truck didn't phase me, this sure as hell won't.

Showing page 4.

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