All comics by kaufman

Profile

 

by kaufman
7-08-01
Doc, I need to know. Tell me what I've got.
I'm afraid it's very, very bad, there's a respiratory malignancy.
Oh my god! How long have I got?
Probably a couple hellish days. The pain will be mighter than these words.
This is so sad, I can't see through my tears. Could you please read the gravestone for me?
Here wirthling is wirthlying, betrayed by his wirthlung.

 

by kaufman
7-09-01
Tinking about sex iss qvite healthy, but vhen obsessed all der time about sex mit children, animals, lamps, ... dat is sign of der dirty mind, must get it cleaned oop!
We will return with the Dr. Ruth show after these messages.
I think I have a dirty mind. The doctor says I need it cleaned up.
WELL YOU'VE COME TO THE RIGHT PLACE! HERE AT THE WASH & WASH, OUR JOB IS TO WASH, WASH, WASH! JUMP RIGHT INTO THAT BIG MAYTAG...
Uh, don't you think you put in a bit too much bleach.
NONSENSE! DID YOU SEE THE FILTH ON HIM? HE WAS EVEN LUSTING AFTER ME!!! HERE AT THE WASH & WASH, WE'LL WASH HIM CLEAN, CLEAN, CLEAN!!!!

 

by kaufman
7-09-01
My name is Carl Mustard. I sold wirthling some tainted crack.
I'm Priscilla Plum. He KNEW I never practiced safe sex.
MY DESIGNATION IS SCARLET ROBOT. I CAUSED MAJOR LESIONS IN HIS RECTAL TISSUES.
I am Geisha Green. I prepared him bad blowfish.
General Peacock here. Nothing like some good old bayonet practice. Know what I mean?
I'm Dr. White. Dead men don't sue for malpractice.

 

by kaufman
7-09-01
I'm so ashamed, Doctor. Is there anything that can be done?
As a matter of fact, there is. I'll just write you a prescription for a new medicine called Viagra.
Dosage of 250 milligrams? What a tiny amount! I'll just change this "mg." to "kg." before getting it filled.
Mrs. Wirthling? This is Stripcremator Funeral Home. We've tried everything, but we can't get that fat grin off your husband's face. I'm afraid you'll have to go with the closed casket ceremony.

 

by kaufman
7-11-01
DR. PEDANTIC, REALITY'S BEEN TORN ASUNDER!!! CAN YOU TELL ME WHAT'S GOING ON?
A SIMPLETON LIKE CRABBY IS GIVEN THE CONTEST AND THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT SHATTERS. ALL IS MORPHING! WHY, HAVE YOU LOOKED IN THE MIRROR LATELY, MAURA?
RAAAAR! TOBOR CORNHOLE GABE!!!!
DID YOU NOTICE HIS DEADLINE ON THE CONTEST? IT'S 12 AM. HEY CRABBY, MIDNIGHT OR NOON? BET YOU DON'T GET IT RIGHT!!!! DON'T WORRY, TOBOR, AT LEAST HIS WORLD IS GOING TO HELL AS WE SPEAK TOO!!!!
MEANWHILE IN CRABBY'S WORLD...
o/` we are the wash and wash twins, the wash and wash twins, the wash and wash twins
we are the wash and wash twins, so let us wash your clothes o/`

 

by kaufman
7-12-01
!!!!! GRAND ------------------------
----------------------------------------
WELCOME TO THE LACTATE AND LACTATE MILLENIUM LACTATE !!!!
--------------------- OPENING !!!!!

 

by kaufman
7-12-01
RAAAARRR!!!! TOBOR WILL CORNHOLE YOU!!!
You are false data. Therefore, I shall ignore you.
* poof *
Heh heh heh ... In the beginning there was Dr. Pedantic. And Dr. Pedantic said: "Let there be light."

 

by kaufman
7-13-01
The pageantry of the 2008 Summer Olympic Opening Ceremonies, previewed only in stripcreator
Coming to you on NBC sometime in December, 2009

 

by kaufman
7-13-01
You were right, Roger. The diffusion of light at the end of the day has a visual effect that's aesthetically pleasing.
Glad you like the sunset, Clango, but soon you'll see a special treat. The moon rises in a few minutes, and then we'll see a lunar eclipse!
Lunar eclipse? That means it's full tonight. Run, Roger, run while you can, before my transformation sets in!
Don't be ridiculous. What awful thing could my little robot buddy possibly turn into?
RAAAAR! TOBOR WILL CORNHOLE YOU!!!!
ZOINKS!

 

by kaufman
7-13-01
Take a look. Do you see the man who stole your nails?
Yeah, it's definitely Number 3.

 

by kaufman
7-17-01
Class, as you recall, your assignment this week was to study the penis of the goat. Could I please have your reports?
During mating season it can deliver 297 million sperm everty 15 minutes.
It grows to 2.25 times its normal length at times of excitement.
It tastes just like chicken.
It's great for stirring soup, especially some of those thick Progresso varieties.

 

by kaufman
7-17-01
The Xerox XtraXtreme Triathlon in which athletes drink our X-mix (half Everclear, half Surge), kill a mighty elephant, and then seduce Janet Reno.
Down the hatch!
That fighting is fierce. I don't know if Phillip will survive!
* POW! *
* BAM!!! *
Victory!
Ok *hic*! Where'sh the girl I've got to kill?

 

by kaufman
7-18-01
Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamn,
hoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooow
looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong
iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiisssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
marathoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooon?

 

by kaufman
7-18-01
Welcome to the 2044 Summer Olympics, being held this year on a small asteroid. Our first event is the long jump, and we expect the microgravity to cause some great scores.
Phillips of the USA is making his approach ... and he's off!
I'm here in the Goodyear Orbiter; looks like he got a good leap ... I'm trying to pick him up ...
*** SPLAT ***

 

by kaufman
7-18-01
What's up, d00d?
There's an Xtreme Minesweeper tourney. What's next? Xtreme Freecell? I'll hook up my Omnimedia VR System and my Millisoft Teraboost, and be the 1337est of the 1337!
Hah, only two more squares. Pick the right one, I win. Pick the wrong one, I lose.
Damn.
I own j00, luser. j00 -r- mine!

 

by kaufman
7-19-01
Hello, this is Emily Littela reporting from the Borden Egg-Stream sports champoinships.
Looks like we have a winner here. This fine specimen has honked out a stream of 9,365 eggs in the past 2 1/2 hours. We may be seeing a new world re...
Uh, Emily, you're supposed to be covering the Xtreme Sports championships, not the Egg Stream games. You know, rock-climbing, sky-skating, Cthulhu-waking...
Oh, I see. That's different. Never mind.

 

by kaufman
7-28-01
I just got back from beautiful Toronto, where the exchange rate is friendly as the natives.
$246.19? How much is that in real money?
$3.57
Hey, how do you like the view from atop our CN Tower, eh?
You people look like insects!
And how can we fail to mention the moose sculptures around town auctioned off and painted by the winners?
This one was bought by a Mr. Wirthling? Too bad about the antlers.

 

by kaufman
7-29-01
Not again!
Sheesh!
Samson, how many times have I told you not to rip down the columns of the temple?
Tell you what, Delilah, you quit griping about my hair, and I'll bottle up my temper.

 

by kaufman
7-30-01
Listen, Gabe, I really need a job. Haven't you got any position for me?
Well, maybe I can figure something out. Here's the position I had in mind ...
Really? I can be your new uterus?
Yes, but you must promise: no twisting, tangling, miscarriages, or messing with my pancreas.

 

by kaufman
7-30-01
Help me, Dr. Pedantic -- I don't know how to put everything together in Photoshop. I won't be able to enter the contest.
Nonsense, we'll just tell the audience how to put it together. Maybe Spankling will even assemble it for you.
Take the strip below; paste the desc and gabe images in wirthling's third panel into the 1st and 3rd panels.
In panel 2, paste in the image found at http://www.emis-online.com/webpils/CONTENTS/..%5CDIAGRAMS%5CI15M.HTM, scaled to fit of course.
Laugh heartily, and email the judge about how this deserves to win.
Cancel that -- Spam is BAAAAD!

 

by kaufman
7-30-01
In Post 6, Mulish Pleasure: 7-1. In Post 5, Secretariass at 5:2.
In Post 4, Man-O-Burden: 4:1. In Post 3 Affarmed is at 12:1.
In Post 2, Whirlabray is at 5:1. And in Post 1, Sodomitation's the longshot at 25:1.

 

by kaufman
7-30-01
At age 6, I glued Spot to my kickball. We had a good game that night.
At age 8, I played with my cap gun. Right in Timmy's ear.
At age 10, I snuck into my big brother's room and stole his centerfolds. Who was he going to complain to?
At age 12, I put on Mommy's wigs and bras whenever I was alone.
At age 14, I discovered beer, pot and coke. All in one wonderful night. So did Erica, but she passed out first.
And in the last Congressional elections, I carried 68% of the vote in your district. Sleep well, my dear constituents.

 

by kaufman
8-01-01
Mommy, this Ren-Faire is boring. Can't we go home?
Prithee, huzzah, my little wenchen. we cometh anon to Ye Olde Petteing Zooe.
Not petting Zoe -- that's a whole nother comic.
Hello, little girl, I am Ralph the Wonder Llama. I have many talents.
Really? What can you do?
Well, for one thing, I can spit.
That's nothing. *I* swallow.

 

by kaufman
8-01-01
So, like, I said, "Oh my god! Like those rotor turbines are TOTALLY going to generate bitchen gravitons by THEMSELVES?"
Fer shur!
Like, gag me with a SPOOOOOON! What the fuck are you talking about?

 

by kaufman
8-02-01
What a nice hotel! I think I'll just take a shower.
o/` EEE-EEEE-EEE-EEEE-EEE-EEEE-EEE-EEEE-EEEEEE o/`
Norman, you come in right now! You have a hotel to manage.
Ok, mom.

 

by kaufman
8-02-01
Many applicants for the role of the 'Antagonist' ...
Well, well, I see the shoe is on the other ear now!
Badges? Ooh, that's a nice one. Can I have it please?
No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to PAY.
You can fool some of the people some of the time, and all of the people all of the time, but you can't fool none of the people none of the time.
Every one of your bases is now in our possession.
An elephant never ... uh, an elephant nev... LINE!

 

by kaufman
8-02-01
My fast food empire is teetering on the brink of ruin. The formerly golden arches are now tarnished a sickly green.
Opening at 11 AM just isn't cutting it. I MUST find a way to be able to serve breakfast!
And thus he set out on his quest. Finally ...
Aha! Just what I need! May I take a dozen?
Not so fast -- this nest ain't big enough for the two of us. Now back away slowly, and no one gets a speeding ticket.
But please! It could save the whole economy!
Don't count your biscuits before they're hatched. A bird, even unborn, in the bush is worth two in the hand, you know.

 

by kaufman
8-02-01
I come from Venus, and would like nothing better to put on my strap-on and fuck some earth females from behind. Yes, females -- I find men's equipment too Microsoft.
Well, I'll do it, but as Oscar Wilde wrote, "True friends stab you in the front."
45 minutes later...
That was great! Worth a few thousand Starbucks! Why it gave me a General Electric feeling all over...
...Whoa, look at that bitch! Ain't she a cutie? What I'd give to be inside her!
I think Groucho Marx put it best: "Outside a dog, a man's best friend is a book. Inside a dog, it's too dark to read."

 

by kaufman
8-03-01
Ha, just what I, Al Gore, need to win the White House and save the land. Not even that pesky nitwit will be able ... W! What are you doing here?
It isn't over till the thin lady purges. You're still in the bubble, Al! Hey, I can call you Al!
Leave it alone. I need to save the environment and reduce the national debt.
Ha! You say "tomato", I say "potato." Posterity is right around the corner. See, it's not if you win or lose, but how you place the blame.
But what will the people think when they look at us squabbling like this?
Never have so few done so little for so many. Remember, there's no "W" in "team."

 

by kaufman
8-03-01
Doctor, for some reason, I'm never sexually satisfied ... I never see fireworks.
It's no wonder; your clitoris is lodged in the bottom of your throat!
Hello, Miss, want to give some action to my ten inches of throbbing manhood?
I DO TOO SUCK DICK!!! I DO TOO SUCK DICK!!!!!!!

 

by kaufman
8-03-01
Hiring a 12-year-old pyromaniac to torch a house: $125
One-Way Southwest Airlines ticket CLE-BWI: $35
The Captain has turned on the seatbelt sign...
Having no more furniture, green or otherwise: PRICELESS
Honey, our living room looks SO spacious!

 

by kaufman
8-04-01
You wanted to speak to me, Hedy?
Yeah, I want you to send the worst possible sheriff to Rock Ridge so we can build the railroad through. And it's HEDLEY!
Hi, I'm your new sheriff.
You're black!
Well, I saved your town from the railroad. What do you think of me now?
You're still black ... but you're OUR sheriff!

 

by kaufman
8-04-01
Surely all the pilots wouldn't have eaten and been poisoned by the fish!
That's exactly what I'm saying! And don't call me Shirley.
Meanwhile in the control tower...
There's a sale on at Penney's!
Oh no! The automatic pilot's broken!
Just a little leak ... reinflate me, and I'll be fine.

 

by kaufman
8-05-01
Hi, I'll be working the projectors with you tonight.
Dave's out? I see ... showing those Jason films tonight.
Why does he avoid Friday the 13th movies? Is he that superstitious? That explains the guy I saw refusing to see "The Mirror Has Two Faces".
Yup, the nut figures it's twice the opportunity for a shatter.
Hold on, you guys showed Twister last night...
The trailer districts... you dwell there?

 

by kaufman
8-06-01
Look, there's a door to a tunnel leading out of this office. I'm going in to see where it leads.
Whoa, I'm inside John Malkovich's head! I can see and hear what he does, and even influence his thoughts
Fifteen minutes later, somewhere beside the New Jersey Turnpike...
Oof, wasn't ready for that drop.

 

by kaufman
8-06-01
The economy's been in a funk too long. What business needs is a good military undertaking.
Have we got just the thing for you! We propose to get those wheels turning again by nuking Antarctica till it glows.
Satellite photos show that penguins are massing on the shore for a northward invasion. They've already claimed a beachead in the Galapagos!
Heute Neuseeland, morgen die Welt!
But what about all the radiation? Won't it be dangerous?
Don't you worry, little girl. It will all escape harmlessly through the ozone hole into space.

 

by kaufman
8-07-01
Bonjour.
We are Knights of the Round Table in search of the Holy Grail. Would you like to join us in our Holy Quest?
I'm afraid not. We've got one already, and you can not have it. I fart in your general direction!
Could we have it if we were to dance and do a complete striptease for you?
Well, then in that case, of course you can have our Grail.
Okay, boys, start the music!

 

by kaufman
8-08-01
Hey mister, what happened to your eye?
Lemme tell you, I was seeing the Who back in '67, great show, by the way, when they broke into "The Kids Are Alright." So I jumped up on stage and shouted ...
Hey Daltrey, "all right" is two words -- it should be "The Kids Are All Right!"
So then Keith Moon took one of his drumsticks, and WHAMMO!

 

by kaufman
8-09-01
The nominees for Best Persuasion in Comic Contest 51 are: crabby, for "he's a squirel, I tell you."
kaufman, for "The judges ought to be able to enter and win too."
ladyjdotnet, for "Spel kreeyaytifflee."
Spankling, for "A Return to Family Values"
And wirthling, for "We can genetically engineer donkeys without any excretory organs."
And the winner ... well, aren't you lucky you live in a world where none of these were actually entered?

 

by kaufman
8-09-01
Ok, Kauf, up and at 'em! A new Cup's starting, and making the semis just ain't gonna cut it this time. Get on the floor and give me 20! Puns, not pushups, maggot!
Do your research! Current events, literary references, Shakespeare, chemical formulas, quotations in the original Greek. We need your brain on overdrive!
Simplicity, simplicity, simplicity. Clear your mind, and think of nothing.
I heard on the radio that sex the night before the big game helps the athlete's performance. Now go out and get laid! Or at least jack off, for cryin' out loud.
These guys are good. They'll post stuff so funny, you'll pee in your pants. So get to the MILLENIUM WASH AND WASH and buy their all-you-can-wash special before it's too late!!
Look at that motley crew of trainers you have. You know you're hosed! But if you sign here, I GUARANTEE victory ...

 

by kaufman
8-09-01
Man, it's brutal out here. This heat wave won't let up. Did you read about that burglar who was so hot, he locked himself in a freezer?
Oh yeah, I tell you, it's not the heat, it's the stupidity. Hey, let's go into my house and cool off.
But the power's been out all morning. You won't have any A/C.
Not to worry. A 747 flew over earlier, and dropped it's lavatory's entire load. All that shit froze up in the upper atmsphere, and plowed right through my roof.
Best as I can tell, the pile's still at about -40 degrees. Feel nice and cool now?
Absolutely. Though I must say, I never thought I'd wish for my best friend's house to be hit by an icy BM!

 

by kaufman
8-09-01
My goodness it's hot today. I have to get out of the sun before my circuit boards start melting!
In fact, I do believe I'm literally getting red hot. Oh well, only one way to cool off ...
Can't stop or police will catch me. Can't stop or police will catch me. Whose idea was it to hold up the desk sergeant, anyway?
RAAAAAR! TOBOR WILL CORNHOLE YOU!!!!
One flying tackle and nature taking its course later ...
Er, make that POPcornhole you.

 

by kaufman
8-12-01
Hey, I'll trade you the leftmost nut in my hoard for the leftmost one in yours.
OK.
Hey, I'll trade you the leftmost nut in my hoard for the leftmost one in yours.
OK.
Hey, I'll trade you the leftmost nut in my hoard for the leftmost one in yours.
OK.

 

by kaufman
8-13-01
Good mourning.
Good mourning, Harvey, nice hair job. Oh, I see our staff t-shirts are in. Just in time too, I hear Roger has an "important" announcement to make.
Good mourning everyone. I thank you for coming in so early (except for the late Rose Hansen). We have a special guest today, the man who got me here, so I'd like you all to look alive.
Hahahahhahaha!
I'm sure you all know him by reputation, so without further ado, here's Mr. Death.
I NEED TO TAKE ONE OF YOU WITH ME TODAY.

 

by kaufman
8-13-01
Please don't take Erin; I'm all set to slip her the old formaldehyde rag this afternoon ...
ERIN, YOU WILL COME WITH ME IN PRECISELY 37 MINUTES.
I'm too young to die, for crying out loud! Just promise me you won't let Ashleigh touch my body!
Relax my dear, no hands will touch your cold, dry flesh except mine.
Meanwhile, a little tension-reliever.
Yes, I thank you for your work in cremating my dear Penelope, but what's this item on the bill about depeliation?
Look at the purity of those ashes. We won't allow any hair in there. Our motto is, A Penny urned is a Penny shaved.

 

by kaufman
8-13-01
Ashleigh, what did you do to Mrs. Hansen? She looks like Tammy Faye Bakker!
I'm sorry, mom, you know I'm lousy with makeup, and I just couldn't stop thinking of poor Erin. My hand kept slipping in the tears.
Oh Erin, better if he'd have taken me instead of you. This place is just plain falling to pieces!
Hogwash! With your low-cholesterol diet, you'd have hardly been able to help Mr. Death out.
Huh?
He just wanted to know the best place in town to get a few waffles.
AND LET ME TELL YOU, ERIN KNOWS EXACTLY WHERE TO FIND REAL BLUEBERRY SYRUP!

 

by kaufman
8-13-01
Oh cripes, somebody left a stiff here. I'd better bring him to Erin.
I made him up best as I could. Here he is ready for you to fill with juice.
Yes, yes, of course, and I'll also enbalm him once I finish my lunch.
Meanwhile ...
Okay, Dr. Hawking, I'm ready to show you around the home ... Dr. Hawking? DR. HAWKING?

 

by kaufman
8-14-01
Whoa! If we don't ace the history final, my dad will send me off to military school, and we'll never be able to start a band.
Bogus!
Use this phone to go back in time, so you can finish your history report. The future needs you to form your band!
At the project presentations
... And here's the most excellent of excellent dudes, Hay-soos of Nuhzarreth!
I love San Dimas! Party on, dudes!

 

by kaufman
8-14-01
A message from Johnny
As you know, stripcreator now hosts well over 30,000 comics.
In order to deal with this crunch on server space, we are putting a lock on comic editing, beginning at frame 3, effective immediately.

 

by kaufman
8-15-01
Check this out, honey. The White Sox are offering our little Charlie a signing bonus.
Linus, what have you done with your blanket?
Wanh wanh, waanh waanh wanh wanh, wanh waaaanh.
`'- '`*'' '-`` '^`*'
Pay attention, you stupid beagle! The Red Baron's strafing you!

Showing page 4.

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