All comics by CHUBBY

 

by CHUBBY
10-11-04
Ahmed Chalabi, you have done excellent work! Soon Iraq will be a mighty Shi'ite nation, like Iran!
You convinced Dubya that Iraq is full of Al-Qaeda! Allah Akhbar!
We ARE full of Al-Qaeda now.

 

by CHUBBY
10-11-04
John McCain was a POW for five years.
In all that time, the North Vietnamese couldn't break him.
Dubya did it in less than four.

 

by CHUBBY
10-11-04
If you can't lick 'em....
...recall him: Gray Davis, 2003
...rob him: Al Gore, 2000
...impeach him: Bill Clinton, 1997.
Kill them.
RFK, 1968.
JFK, 1963.

 

by CHUBBY
10-11-04
May, 2003.
Mission Accomplished!
October, 2004.
Oh, no, buried up to my neck! Well, at least things can't get any worse.
Hey, Dubya! Time for bukkake!

 

by CHUBBY
10-11-04
I can't believe it! I, John Kerry, am up in the polls!
TERROR ALERT-- BLOOD RED!!!!!!
Buried up to my neck-- how could things get any worse?
Hey, Kerry, time for bukkake!

 

by CHUBBY
10-11-04
2004. The most crucial presidential election in American history looms.
A race between a horse and an annoying spokesperson for the office of President of Beer.
Today, in a 5-4 margin, the Supreme Court voted for Busch.
Urp.

 

by CHUBBY
10-11-04
No matter how much I exercise and diet, I can't lose weight!
Really? I just had my stomach stapled and I lost 200 lbs.
I'm sorry, but you don't qualify. You have to be 200% overweight for insurance to pay for the operation.
What are you doing, honey? I thought I put you on a diet!
Turns out I'm not fat enough yet.

 

by CHUBBY
10-11-04
"I'm Anal Roberts. Tonight on The 650 Club (marked down from 700), a very inspirational story."
After our first eight kids died, me and Wendy got tested. Turned out we both had the same recessive gene for a rare disease. Then Wendy found out she was pregnant again.
The doctor said I should have an abortion, that there was a one in a million chance that the baby would be normal. And I said, "So you're saying there's a chance."
"So you didn't have the abortion. Praise Jesus! And your son was born healthy?"
Good Heavens, no. Just look at him.
"But your faith in the Lord carried you through some dark days."
Well, yeah. That and them government checks.
Hey, hon, what do you say we spin that genetic roulette wheel again tonight, huh?

 

by CHUBBY
10-11-04
Are you better off now than you were four years ago? Rudy Giuliani, shyster & presidential timber: Halliburton CFO:
Yes. I'm tanned, rested, and ready.
Oh, my goodness, yes.
Kangaroo, automatic weapon salesperson: Osama bin-Laden:
Yes. What the fuck are you lookin' at?
Yes. Allah Akhbar!
1,000 U. S. Troops: No response.

 

by CHUBBY
10-12-04
*Things people think about and secretly wish to talk to someone else about it but will never admit it in public.
I hardly ever get zits anymore, but yesterday I had one on my chin the size of a peanut.
Shelled?
Unshelled. It wasn't a whitehead yet, it was still red, so I didn't think it was ready to pop, but I squeezed it and it EXPLODED and covered the bathroom mirror with pus, blood, and lymph! It rocked!
Wow, I wish I could've seen it.
It's still there. C'mon in and I'll show you.

 

by CHUBBY
10-12-04
Next on "Rumsfeld"....
..."Geneva Convention? I don't even speak SWISS."
(LAUGHTER)
... has Rummy's past caught up with him?
Special Agent Bookman. I want to talk to you about these WMD's you sold Saddam twenty years ago.
...and Rummy and George try to remember what they were looking for in Iraq anyway.
It rhymed with a bone.
Uh, lessee. Headbone connected to de neckbone....

 

by CHUBBY
10-12-04
Next on "Rumsfeld"....
Didja ever notice people are fungible? Why do parents get upset when their kids die in Iraq? Why don't they go home, make love, and have another kid? Who are these people?
(LAUGHTER)
Rummy runs into his neighbor...
Hello, Clinton.
Hello, Rummy. I saw you at the screening of "Fahrenheit 9/11" last night-- making out with your date!
....and George loses his job with the Yankees...
It's ok. Just show up for work at the office on January 21, like you usually do.
What do you mean, usually?

 

by CHUBBY
10-12-04
No rich bastard ever won a war by dying for his country.
He won a war by evading the draft and making some poor bastard die for his country.

 

by CHUBBY
10-12-04
This affirmative action is out of control!
Negroes rising to high positions in the government and military-- just because of race!
It's got to be stopped!
Yes! It's got to! Your father wouldn't have stood for it!
OK, first of all-- Colin, Clarence. Calm down. By the way, Colin, how's your son doing over at the FCC?

 

by CHUBBY
10-13-04
The first lady appears on Larry King Live...
My husband is the first president who has authorized funds for stem cell research.
Sometime earlier, at Bethesda Naval Hospital....
The bad news is, your liver is completely shot from years of alcohol abuse. The good news is, you can survive if we find an organ donor who's a match.
I know where I can get one.
The next day, in a shed on a ranch in Crawford, Texas....
Hey, George Cloney! Hehe. I got some good news and some bad news.
You really suck.

 

by CHUBBY
10-13-04
True News Item: Italian scientists announce a stunning discovery!
We have-a discovered that-a the gene for-a homosexuality is-a passed on by-a the mama.
Duh. Go figure.
Is that why you don't want to have a child? You're afraid what his sexual orientation might be?
No, I really am trying to get pregnant.
It's just that, after we make love, I can't keep myself from shitting.

 

by CHUBBY
10-13-04
True News Item: "Weight Loss Surgery Found To Be Effective Treatment for Obesity".
We found that, by stapling, we can make fat people's stomachs smaller. Therefore, they don't eat so much and they lose weight.
Duh. Go figure.
Goddamn, this science thing is easy!

 

by CHUBBY
10-13-04
Dubya, the Attorney-General is here to see you.
Send him in.
Dubya, the Justice Department needs new weapons to combat the growing crime of theft of intellectual property.
That's a good idea, John....
See if you can find out who stole all my brain cells, wouldja?

 

by CHUBBY
10-13-04
It's twice the action.... twice the special effects....
Well, Dubya, our invasion of Iraq has been a success!
So was our invasion of Afghanistan, "Dick"!
Twice the cost on Amazon.com....
The fix is in for the election!
It won't be long now till we rule the world!
It's "W"!
BWAHAHAHAHAHA!
BWAHAHAHAHA!

 

by CHUBBY
10-13-04
Welcome to McChurch's. May I take your order?
One Happy Communion to go.
Bless you, drive through to the first window.
No, you've got to stop at the other window first and put the money in the collection plate.

 

by CHUBBY
10-13-04
Welcome to McChurch's. May I take your order?
Bless me father, for I have sinned. I touched myself once, I was disrespectful to my mother, and I had impure thoughts about Pamela Anderson twice.
.......Aaaaaand?
And I sucked your dick in the organ loft.
That will be three Hail Marys and two our fathers. Bless you. Drive through.

 

by CHUBBY
10-13-04
Welcome to McChurch's. May I take your order?
Yeah, this is Mel Gibson. Two absolutions, one for me and one for my dad.
Would you like infallibility of the Pope with that?
Not bloody likely.
Bless you, drive through.

 

by CHUBBY
10-13-04
American black women between the ages of 25 and 44 are 13 times more likely to die of AIDS. What should the government's role be in helping to end the growth of this epidemic?
Oh, I know! Since most of them get it from their husbands and boyfriends, who are "straight black males who enjoy sex with other straight black males", and since the women are too dumb to A.)...
....know this, and/or B.) use condoms; and since most of the rest of them are either A.) heroin addicts, who steal and murder, and would die soon anyway, and got it from sharing needles,....
...despite the fact that millions of my tax dollars have gone to supply them with clean ones; and/or B.) prostitutes, and since it's not spreading to other groups, why do anything? Paging Dr. Darwin!
Ever hear of "Survival of the Fittest"? So addicts, whores, and dumbasses die and can't give birth to more of the same, and leave the gene pool a little nicer for us law-abiding taxpayers to swim in.
The world is already horrifyingly overpopulated anway. What do you think we should do, stop them from fucking? How? Castrate the men? Circumcise the women? Good heavens, no.

 

by CHUBBY
10-13-04
Dubya returns to Bethesda Naval Hospital with his reluctant liver donor....
Hey doc, meet George Cloney. I use him for spare parts. Like you might have a second car up on blocks in your yard.
Good heavens. He's not much like you, is he?
No, they tell me it was that way with the clones of sheep and such too. It's like a photocopy. They're never as good as the original.
No, I was going to say it's an improvement.

 

by CHUBBY
10-13-04
Don't worry, you won't feel a thing.
I won't?
No. When you wake up, it'll all be over and you'll be in a bathtub full of crushed ice. But we've got to work fast because of the--
Who turned out the lights?
STEM CELL LIBERATION ARMY! STEP AWAY FROM THE CLONE!

 

by CHUBBY
10-13-04
Nancy Reagan and the SCLA have rescued George Cloney from the clutches of the evil Doctor...
How can I ever thank you for saving my life?
Just say no. Now, let's get out of here! Elmer, cover us!
Wight. I got your back. Hahahahaha!
What in the wide, wide world of sports is goin' on here?
DUBYA!
Hey, quit it out!

 

by CHUBBY
10-13-04
As Nancy Reagan and the SCLA are escaping, they are surprised by Dubya, and the SCLA shoots at him! Suddenly, a familiar figure appears....
I'm in charge here!
Beat it, Haig. This has nothing to do with you.
Dick, what should we do about Dubya?
Hey guys, I'm ok. He didn't hit any vital organs. Mebbe my heart and my brain, but that's all.
Dubya's delirious. I want you to escort his ambulance to Cryptofascistco, stat!

 

by CHUBBY
10-14-04
Our top story on Faux News: George Cloney has been rescued and brought to the White House, where we are told he is being interrogated by Acting President "Dick".
And the mystery continues... where is Dubya?
So, Tony, you think that since George Cloney has the same genetic makeup as Dubya, the Constitution would say he is president? And the Court will back you up?
Absolutely, "Dick". Now, someday-- and that day may never come-- I will ask you for a favor.
Meanwhile, at Cryptofascistco....
Hey! Who does a fella have to fuck around here to get a hot toddy?

 

by CHUBBY
10-14-04
Our top story on Faux News: George Cloney has been named Acting President by the Supreme Court in a surprise ruling.
That's right, Bob. And the new incumbent and his running mate, "Dick" have jumped ten points ahead in the polls.
"It's clone-mania! Now all the candidates are trying to position themselves as a non-humans........ 'Dick':............. Senator John Kerry:
I've got so much hardware in me, I'm bionic. The six million dollar 'Dick'.
I'm an android.
Nader..............Senator John Edwards:"
I'm an alien. But you knew that.
I'm from North Carolina.

 

by CHUBBY
10-14-04
Later that night, in the Lincoln Bedroom....
Hello. You must be George Cloney. I'm Laura. Your wife. They said you don't look anything like Dubya, but I see a resemblance.
There's one more thing I want to check, though.
(ZIP!) OH MY GOD, THERE'S NO RESEMBLANCE THERE!

 

by CHUBBY
10-14-04
Meanwhile, at Cryptofascistco in Columbia, MD. The changing of the guard....
Busy night?
Nah, it's dead. You can probably go in the back and take a nap.
They've really beefed up security since that SCLA break-in.
Yeah. The only thing that we have to watch for is a blackout.
Later that night....
Now what?

 

by CHUBBY
10-14-04
The next morning....
Do you know what's really going on in this country?
Sure, I read the Washington TIMES and I watch the Faux News Channel. The economy, Iraq, the war on terror-- everything seems to be going well.
That's what I was afraid of. You're so sweet and innocent. But I think you should know what's really going on, so I rented FAHRENHEIT 9/11.
Two hours later....
Holy shit....

 

by CHUBBY
10-14-04
Later that day, at the Cabinet Meeting....
Congratulations Mr. President!
Yes, congratulations!
Rummy, Ashcroft, Condi-- you're all fired. You too, Colin, and that idiot son of yours. Security will escort you out. Your offices have been sealed by US Marshals and prosecutions will be forthcoming.
Thank goodness you got rid of them, Mr. President. I--
I can't fire you, "Dick". But you're off the ticket.

 

by CHUBBY
10-14-04
I can't believe it. Fired by a clone. This is more humiliating than losing an election to a dead guy.
Don't you worry. I fixed his wagon. There's a bomb in the Oval Office. It's set to go off in a few minutes. Then I'll be president, and all you guys are back.
BWAHAHAHAHAHA!
BWAHAHAHAHAHA!
"DICK"! MY OFFICE! NOW!
Uh oh.....

 

by CHUBBY
10-14-04
Dubya! You're OK!
Course I am! I just faint like a woman when I hear gunfire. That's why I got out of the draft. I'm a big puss. Now-- my office! I have a dick to pick with you, Bone.
But Tony "The Weasel" Scalia ruled that George Cloney is the president!
Well I got him to unrule it out. Are you gonna come along to my office peacefully or do I have to get the Secret Service?
Can't we talk out here? Pleeeeease?
You heard the man. Oval Office. Now!

 

by CHUBBY
10-14-04
OK, Cloney. I'm back. You're out. I don't even need you for spare parts, what with fresh meat bein' shipped in from Iraq every day. Beat it.
Now, "Dick", siddown. I want to have a long talk with you.
Oh, shit.....

 

by CHUBBY
10-14-04
So George Cloney walked the streets, just another man now jobless and homeless thanks to the Dubya administration. Lost in thought, he bumped into a young woman....
Sorry.
Perdonnez-moi.
Are you French?
No, silly. That's Swiss. You're kinda cute.
THE BEGINNING??????
Wanna get married?
OK. What's your name? I'm Sanquentin Quayle.

 

by CHUBBY
10-14-04
Asian hookers.
Me love you long time!
The standoff.
The big, lumbering, masked serial killer who manages to catch up to a marathon runner.
EEK!

 

by CHUBBY
10-14-04
You can always tell when Dubya's lying.
Of course, I know Osama bin Laden attacked us.
Of course, the UN was invited in.
His lips are moving. HAHAHA! But seriously, he uses the phrase "Of course" to preface his lies.
Of course, Iraq is a central part in the war on terror.
Of course we're doing everything we can to protect America.
Wouldn't it be fun to play poker with Dubya?
Of course, I see that and raise you one billion.
I call.

 

by CHUBBY
10-14-04
I'd like a--
We don't serve your kind here.
Watchoo talkin' bout, fool? In 2004, I can't get served at a restaurant cause I'm black?
Duh. This is The CRACKER Barrel.

 

by CHUBBY
10-14-04
I'll have a Grand Slam Breakfast, a large--
We don't serve your kind here.
WHAT? I can't get served at DENNY'S?
Duh. This place used to be called SAMBO'S.

 

by CHUBBY
10-14-04
Are you the brewer?
Yes I am.
I'm Dave the bartender. This beer tastes like ASS!
Gee, I don't know what to tell you...
Unlike you, apparently, I don't have a boyfriend upon whom I perform analingus.

 

by CHUBBY
10-14-04
Today, the FCC fined the Faux network, which like the Faux News Network is owned by billionaire asshole Rupert Murdoch, $1.2 million.
$1.2 million, you say? That's a lot of money. Let me put it in perspective for you.
That breaks down to less than $7000 per Faux affiliate.
Ooooh, I'm really scared.
Murdoch's made more than $7000 since I started this sentence. Bring it on, FCC! Hey Phil, start passing out money!
Hey, free money, who wants some?

 

by CHUBBY
10-15-04
Allah Akhbar!
TO ALL FLIGHTS<<<<<<
OK, granny, it's a full cavity search for you.

 

by CHUBBY
10-15-04
Dubya?
Yes, Pappy?
I love you, son.
I've waited my whole life to hear those words. You really love me?
Sure. You make my hideous one-term presidency look like a triumph.
You're not getting any of my Bud Light.

 

by CHUBBY
10-15-04
This is the No-Spin Zone, you're on with Bill O'Reilly as we go to Fumbuck, Florida. Jack Mehoff?
Bill, am I on the air?
Turn your radio down. We're getting an annoying buzzing sound.
My radio's off.
Well, I'm still getting that annoying buzzing. Oh. Wait a minute. Heh, heh. It's on my end. So to speak.

 

by CHUBBY
10-15-04
"It started off as an ordinary day in goddamned ethnically diverse Hawaii. Higgins came in and said....
Magnum, get TC to fly you on the helicopter to Molokai right away. Robin Masters has an important job for you.
Get off my back, you limey faggot.
TC, you lazy nigger! Get to work! Or is that word foreign to your species?
"We finally touched down in Molokai...."
Ewwwww! A leper! Get away from me, you fuckin' freak!

 

by CHUBBY
10-15-04
Officials both here and abroad are expressing concerns about the upcoming elections. Some say free elections will never be possible in this war-torn land, where violence is a fact of life.
The natives tremble at the mention of the warlord's name. Some are afraid to leave their houses on Election Day, lest he lock them up. Offers of help from the UN and Jimmy Carter are refused.
Perhaps the people are not ready for democracy. This is Frank Jackson, reporting live from Miami, Florida.

 

by CHUBBY
10-15-04
Didja ever notice Dubya misspeaks a lot?
John F. Kennedy-- I mean, Kerry.
That's just one of his quirks that makes him so endearing. It doesn't have any impact on his job performance, right?
Saddam Hussein.... I mean, Osama bin Laden.
Right?
That was Dubya. He wants us to nuke SOUTH Korea.

 

by CHUBBY
10-15-04
After 9/11, when all other U. S. commercial air traffic was grounded, Dubya arranged flights for the bin Laden family could escape, I mean, return home to Saudi Arabia. Surprised? You shouldn't be.
Dubya's daddy is in business with the bin Ladens. Surprised? You shouldn't be. The family has a long history of trading with the enemy.
1941.
"... and so, dear Adolf, I expect to see you at poker night Tuesday at the Lindbergh's-- his German house, of course. Bring Hess and Goering. Hank Ford should be there. Yours truly, Prescott Bush."

Showing page 5.

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