All comics by quodlibet

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by quodlibet
12-12-04
Inviting little children upon your lap so that you may fondle them -- all those break-and-entries over the years to deliver so-called presents -- that's just the tip of the iceberg, isn't it?
I think you're taking things a little too far, now.
That cherry red face -- obviously you enjoy both smoking and drinking with a passion, yet you forbid these pleasures to the young folk of today.
As a penniless old coot, where do you obtain the funds for your yearly largesse, if not from the pockets of fiendish conglomerates, to whom you have sold your soul? ANSWER ME! ANSWER TO THE WORLD!!!

 

by quodlibet
12-12-04
And last, but not least, how do you explain this yearly donation of goods on the eve of Christmas Day? Why not the middle of July? Why on Christmas Day?
I'll tell you why. It's because you've been bought out by the allied forces of Christianity!
HOW ELSE CAN YOU EXPLAIN IT? ANSWER ME, OR I WILL EXPOSE YOU TO THE WORLD, BEER-BELLY AND ALL!!!!!

 

by quodlibet
12-12-04
Well? What is your response, oh 'Santa Claus'?
Um, kid. Why don't you stand there and tell me what you really want.
Bribery for my silence, is it?
Uh...yeah.
The keys to the missile silos across America and your obedience to me as your Galactic Overlord. Simple requests for one of your stature.
I...see. Wait right here and let me see what I can do about that.

 

by quodlibet
12-12-04
You'll be glad to know that things turned out all right in the end, this year.
After Santa betrayed me to the thought-police, Mom bailed me out of jail and hushed up the criminal charges.
Then she beat the shit out of me for failing to topple the Christmas regime once again. "If you're going to do it, do it right!" she screamed at me.
If that's not the meaning of Christmas, I don't know what is.

 

by quodlibet
12-14-04
The good news today is that I scored in the 96th percentile on my national board exams.
RAAAAAHHHHHHHH!
The bad news today is the rejection letter from Famous University. Apparently I wasn't good enough for them.
RAAAAARRRRRRR! RAAAARRRRRRRRR!!!
Stupid people. Don't they talk to each other?
TOBOR suggests you suck it harder! HARDER!

 

by quodlibet
12-14-04
How do the Christmas decorations look?
I'm the wrong guy to ask, Maura! I hate Christmas.
But how can you say that, Pete?
It all started when I was a kid...
After you help me hang the mistletoe, you may help me prepare the sacred communion. I've even got a special Host for you to partake of.
Why, of course, Father!

 

by quodlibet
12-14-04
How do the Christmas decorations look?
I'm the wrong guy to ask, Maura! I hate Christmas.
But how can you say that, Pete?
It all started when I was a kid...
It's a deal. I'll get your kid his cheap bike, and you'll give me a ride that Rudolph couldn't possibly give.
I hope my kid doesn't see this. It'll scar him for life!

 

by quodlibet
12-15-04
Good going, smartass.
Look, all I wanted was some snow to play in!

 

by quodlibet
12-15-04
Roast...ham for dinner? And...three sticks of coal per person?
We wanted to make it up for bombing your holy city of Fallujah on Ramadan. Fair's fair, right?

 

by quodlibet
12-15-04
What am I getting today, Dad?
Heroin and herpes.

 

by quodlibet
12-15-04
Masturbation is the leading cause of blindness in young men.
Granddad jerks off to Playboy all the time and he's still got his vision.
The only decent position for coitus is the missionary position.
What happens if your lady's a bitch and wants to do it doggy-style?
Intercourse between men and men, and women and women, has been forbidden. It is unnatural and sinful.
So pedophilia is better?

 

by quodlibet
12-15-04
Let's talk about menstruation. The female cycle --
Ew! Gross! I thought this was sex ed class.
It IS sexual education.
I don't want to know about menstruation. Gross. What a turn-off. If you talk about it any longer I don't want to have sex. EVER.
But it's part of natural family planning.
Like you guys care about that?

 

by quodlibet
12-15-04
You gonna tell me the ideal use of butt plugs? Clitoral stimulation? Cuniligus? The six tantric positions?
No, no, no and no.
You a virgin?
Why, are you questioning my vows?
Well, what's a virgin doing, teaching me about sex?

 

by quodlibet
12-15-04
This comic competition coincides with a sexual number: sixty-nine. Here's a demonstration of sixty-nine.
Why have you got an erection, professor?
Here we see a couple about to adopt the '69' position, in which each partner orally stimulates the other's genitalia. Thus the '69'.
Math can be sexy too! And I'm not saying that just because I'm desperately horny!
Will there be a quiz on this?

 

by quodlibet
12-18-04
I hope you enjoyed the dinner, my dear.
Oh Neal... This has been such a romantic Christmas night. You shouldn't have!
I'm afraid I should have... Because tonight is the night I must tell you my dark secret!
I know you're black already, silly!
Actually, I'm just a waiter here at the truck stop, and we're not allowed to accept, er, 'favours' for meals any longer.
I thought the clientele looked a little...informal.

 

by quodlibet
12-18-04
I hope you enjoyed the dinner, my dear.
Oh Neal... This has been such a romantic Christmas night. You shouldn't have!
I'm afraid I should have... Because tonight is the night I must tell you my dark secret!
You know I love you, regardless of what you've done, or how terrible it is. Please, Neal, tell me.
I bust my credit card on my other girl, so I told these nice waiters that you'd wash dishes for our meal tonight.
Uhm...

 

by quodlibet
12-18-04
I hope you enjoyed the dinner, my dear.
Oh Neal... This has been such a romantic Christmas night. You shouldn't have!
I'm afraid I should have... Because tonight is the night I must tell you my dark secret!
What's that?
I was the man -- and the voice -- behind Barney the purple dinosaur.
Oh GOD. I knew you were too good to be true. Stay away from me, you freak!

 

by quodlibet
1-03-05
Indonesia. Thailand. Sri Lanka. India.
Happy New Year.

 

by quodlibet
1-03-05
I'm sorry, sir, you can't return any of those presents here without a receipt.
Look, the Big Dude himself said that I could! Santa! Don't you believe in Santa Claus?
How much long is this going to take?
Be patient, dear. Weve only been in line for five days.

 

by quodlibet
1-04-05
Kosher Meals for the Strict Cannibal
Want some fresh meat?
Techniques for the Blind Photographer
Where...where is that camera again? Which way am I supposed to point it?
Advanced Benchwarming for The Useless Athlete
Buzz off.

 

by quodlibet
1-04-05
101 Slow Painful Annoying Suicide Techniques. Method #21: The Semen-Only Diet
I think of it as a variant on the Atkins Plan.
It's five dollars for the Happy Meal, chickie.
Method 37: Lead the way away
Can you hold the cheese? Gimme some nice white paint chips. They taste almost the same.
Method 53: Mind Over Matter (aka Mother-in-law Assisted Suicide)
I'm moving in permanently with you and living off your pension.
You smarmy little good-for-nothing! I can't believe my daughter married you lousy son-of-a-bitch!

 

by quodlibet
1-13-05
Esteemed sir, why are you known as Hammering Hoodlum in your younger years?
Young lady, well, I...I was fond of carpentry *cough*.
You nailed lots of wood?
Er...yes, yes I did.

 

by quodlibet
1-13-05
You're probably wondering why I called you here. The murderer of Lord Bunbury is right in this room. Is it his wastrel son, Lord Bunbury, Jr., who needed his inheritance to pay off debts?
Is it his upstairs maid, with whom he shared one night of love thirty years ago that resulted in issue? Is it that issue, who arrived here just last night on a boat from Inja? Is it Lady Marbury?
Is it her brother, the Duke of Earl, or one of the rent boys he regularly hires? Is it Rickets, the chauffeur with the shady past? Is it Pierre LeCirque, international art forger and blackmailer?
Or was it, mayhaps, someone else? I think the answer will surprise most of you just as much as it surprised me when I realized it. The murderer of Lord Bunbury is-- GREAT SCOTT! THE LIGHTS! AAHH!!
What happened?
Ego exploded his head. Lots of blood and shit. Not many brains on the wall, all considered.

 

by quodlibet
1-13-05
You're probably wondering why I called you here. The murderer of Lord Bunbury is right in this room. Is it his wastrel son, Lord Bunbury, Jr., who needed his inheritance to pay off debts?
Is it his upstairs maid, with whom he shared one night of love thirty years ago that resulted in issue? Is it that issue, who arrived here just last night on a boat from Inja? Is it Lady Marbury?
Is it her brother, the Duke of Earl, or one of the rent boys he regularly hires? Is it Rickets, the chauffeur with the shady past? Is it Pierre LeCirque, international art forger and blackmailer?
Or was it, mayhaps, someone else? I think the answer will surprise most of you just as much as it surprised me when I realized it. The murderer of Lord Bunbury is-- GREAT SCOTT! THE LIGHTS! AAHH!!
Can I hack him up now?
Please and thank you, Jeeves.

 

by quodlibet
1-13-05
Don't you understand? There's only 358 days left until Christmas! There's no time left!
Pharmacy's over that way, lady. Take a Valium. Chill.

 

by quodlibet
1-15-05
Self-Abuse for the Modern Flagellant
While I'm too profitable for God to call me a sin, people will avoid you, abuse you, and demand segregation from you!
Not to mention the foul breath, yellowed teeth, and ugly wrinkles!
Must...watch... more...reality TV as... part of...self-abasement ritual....
Ready for your confesional?
I've got my hair shirt on and some gum to take away the aftertaste!

 

by quodlibet
1-15-05
Chapter 1: Avoid These Geeky Pick-Up Lines
My system's loaded with a Centrino processor, 1 gig of RAM and a 160 gig hard drive waiting for your input.
My system doesn't accept 3.5-inch floppies any more.
Chapter 2: More Geeky Pick-up Lines To Avoid
My friend's friend's uncle's brother's third cousin knows William Shatner. Are you female?
I don't do silicon-enhanced life forms. They're too creepy.
Chapter 3: Still More Stupid Pick-Up Lines To Avoid
How much? Ten million credits? Two thousand gold pieces? Six hundred obols?
Creep.

 

by quodlibet
1-18-05
Honey, would you do something for me?
Anything, dear.
I've always wanted to...put my arms around you and... while you're in me....
Yes?
Suck your eyeballs out. Please?
This could be slightly deterimental to our relationship.

 

by quodlibet
1-18-05
Detrimental in what way? You said you'd do anything for me.
Sucking out my eyeballs seems a bit excessive, dear. I need my eyes.
No, you don't. You don't even notice that I've gained three-quarters of a pound.
I can't chauffeur you around if I'm blind, and I'll never be able to tell you that dress doesn't make you look fat.
You do have a point there. Maybe just one eyeball? Please?
Let me think about that. NO.

 

by quodlibet
1-18-05
Well, then would you do something to prove how much you love me?
I'm starting to have second thoughts about having wild sex with you, Maura.
Oh, it's got nothing to do with sex.
What do you want? A diamond ring? Money? A job? Children? Car repairs? Nightly phone calls? Toilet seat down?
After I die, will you eat my brains? It's a sign of affection in some societies.
Let me see.... NO.

 

by quodlibet
1-18-05
Pete, I hold nothing back from you... but you won't suck out my brains after I'm dead? Where's the love gone?
Why can't you ask for normal things, like a normal girl?
I thought you were above stereotypes, Pete. I thought you were more than ordinary.
I wish I could say that I'm sorry to disappoint you, Maura.
Oh, Pete. Is this the end?
Yup. I'm hoping for some hot reunion sex about a month from now. With goggles on, of course.

 

by quodlibet
1-18-05
And just what are you doing in that impressive hole in the floor, young man?
Creating a long escape tunnel to freedom from this indoctrination camp inspired by the Third Reich. Obviously.
And how exactly did this gigantic hole in my classroom come into being?
The typical stench of sulfuric acid and the mere fact that this is a chemistry lab might have tipped you off, my infinitely wise teacher.
Why can't you be like other little boys? Fight, assault girls, and do badly in school?
Your skull must be immensely thick to prevent the vacuum between your ears from self-imploding.

 

by quodlibet
1-18-05
Bald to Beautiful: Regaining That Youthful Lush Growth
"Are you reading this letter by the light reflected from your polished skull?"
Only $99.99 at your local bookstore now!
"Tired of rubbing raw ginger into your scalp to rally that retreating hairline?"
"Too cheap to buy $80 prescription drugs every month, or even a cheap toupee?"
Learn simple and invaluable how-to tips
Glue groin and armpit hair into a lifelike toupee! Dreadlocks from chest hair! Eyebrows double as sideburns! And MORE!!

 

by quodlibet
1-18-05
What's this?
I know Santa has you on the 'naughty' list for, er, your various deeds. So I put a present under the tree for you.
Permit me to examine it. It looks real. Eyes, ears, nose, fur, tail attached....
The guy on the internet said it was real.
But the true test of veracity, Watson, is the presence of the anal sphincter on this raccoon hat. Excellent, Watson. Excellent.
I...figured you'd like it.

 

by quodlibet
1-18-05
How was your trip home?
Great! I wore my hat. We've got this peephole right at the level of the Hat. My mother saw it as she was opened the door.
Why do I have such a bad feeling about the ending...
My mother's in the hospital recovering from her heart attack.

 

by quodlibet
1-18-05
The groin and genitals represent a smaller skin area compared to, say, the torso.
But sir, isn't the groin a psychologically important area?
You have a point there, young man. However we accord it an arbitrary value of one percent.
But sir --
One percent may be a gross overestimation for certain people.

 

by quodlibet
1-18-05
Dammit, Grim, it's a COSTUME party, not 'come as you are'!

 

by quodlibet
1-18-05
Hey babes. I lost my virginity around here the other night. Wanna help me find it?
Sure. Where did you last see it?
Hey babes. I lost my virginity around here the other night. Wanna help me find it?
Maybe I can help you find something else.
Hey babes. I lost my virginity around here the other night. Wanna help me find it?
Oh, I think you can find it easily enough with your free hand.

 

by quodlibet
1-20-05
It's too bad you don't collaborate with your twin brother more often.
Why's that?
Placed side by side, your finely moulded skulls would resemble a tantalizing pair of buttocks.
Uh....
If you keep gaping like that, it'll even have an asshole.
Could you say that again? But...slower.

 

by quodlibet
1-20-05
Mine!
Excuse me?
I get first dibs on that hairball! I called it first!
Sure. Be my guest. Have my cat's hairball.
Heh heh heh. Watch out, girls! I'm a red-head now! Hot!

 

by quodlibet
1-20-05
So... are you naturally bald down there? I find that quite... attractive in a man.
Oh shit.

 

by quodlibet
1-21-05
hay you wanna party in the club
time to ride dog
ride a bike yall
were my dogs at
The Budweiser channel. Bud all day, everyday.
Where did they move the Playboy channel?

 

by quodlibet
1-21-05
hay you wanna party in the club
time to ride dog
ride a bike yall
were my dogs at
Mentos! The Freshmaker!

 

by quodlibet
1-21-05
hay you wanna party in the club
time to ride dog
ride a bike yall
were my dogs at
whazzzzzzap
nuttin jus watchin the game havin a Bud

 

by quodlibet
1-21-05
*burp* Hey there big boy! Wanna....
...Fuck? Eat poutine? Drink some more?
Oh, lookithere. Poor girl passed out. I better take her home.
And that's why I like Asian girls. As they lack aldehyde dehydrogenase to metabolize ethanol, they're cheap drunks.
Whoa.

 

by quodlibet
1-21-05
A typical night on call in the Emergency Department. You are asked to assess an elderly lady in distress.
What medications are you on for your Super Serious Condition?
Well, dear, there's a red pill, a green pill, two little white pills, and a bunch of other pills.
Know any names? Have a list of your twenty medications?
No, of course not! You must know what they are.
Sadly, having seen six other people like this since 5pm, you probably know what they are.
Two laxatives, a water pill, a cholesterol pill, a blood pressure pill, two puffers, a blood thinner, and a sleeping pill.
Why, yes!

 

by quodlibet
1-21-05
A typical night in the Emergency Department. An unconscious gentleman is wheeled in, breathing but otherwise unrousable.
Hi there! We've been watching this guy for twelve hours and he still hasn't come out of it. It might be his meds.
I just got to sleep. You couldn't have called me five hours ago?
Oh no. But I'm going home now, and it would be irresponsible of me to not tell you about him.
You don't have a medication list?
Nah. I'm an ER doc. You're medicine -- that's your job. They're in that bulging garbage bag right over there.

 

by quodlibet
1-21-05
I had about sixty anti-anxiety pills today.
Why did you take so many?
I don't know -- I was so worried about everything -- housework, schoolwork, work work, my family, my unborn baby --
Keep going....
And the first two didn't calm me down, so I kept taking them until I finished the bottle. Now I'm worried -- maybe I took too many.

 

by quodlibet
1-21-05
I'm afraid that I might have OD'd on aspirins, doc.
Oh really? How much did you take?
Well, doc, I had this MASSIVE headache -- it's just KILLING me --
No fucking way.
So I took two aspirins. Am I gonna die? Did I take too much?
No. You didn't take enough.

 

by quodlibet
1-21-05
In order to obtain optimal pain control after the operation, we'll be inserting some suppositories.
RRRRRAAAAARRRRR! Where?
Rectally.
RRRRRAAAAARRRRR! How many? More is better!
Uh...just two.
RRRRRAAAAARRRRR! More is better! Reduce pain from rectal trauma of pills! RRRAAAAARRRRR!

Showing page 5.

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