All comics by Scyess

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by Scyess
6-05-02
Hey, Cowdjinn! I just found a really annoying fish in my bed! Do you know how he got in here?
Or where he came from? Or how he... uuhhh...
*chomp chomp chomp* **burp**
AND WHY HE'S EATING MY FILET MINON WITH TRUFFLES STRAIGHT FROM OUR REFRIGERATOR??!?
Well excuuuuse me, Mr. Selfish. I didn't see YOUR name on it.

 

by Scyess
6-05-02
Okay, you little bastard, that's IT! You broke into my home, soiled my bed, ate my food, You make no apologies, shower me with abuse,
...and I swear those look like fish-droppings on my newly baked muffins. But before I RIP YOUR HEAD OFF and FEED IT TO RABID MUSK OXEN, you will tell me just one thing...
What?
Just how the HECK do you float in the middle of the air like that?
A talking, air-breathing fish picks the lock on the door and that's all you can think of to ask?

 

by Scyess
6-05-02
**BOOM!**
AAAAAAAAIIIIIYYY YYIIIIEEEEEEEEE!!!
***~~SPLAT!~~*** "Hey! What the...?!??!"
Hhmmm... Jim was right... launching screaming seafood from a 300-lb. cannon at Bill Gates' house IS really satisfying...

 

by Scyess
6-05-02
In a dark alley... late one night...
Okay, lady! Hand over the purse or I'll cut ya!
***~~BOOM!~~***
Did I just hear the sound of cannon fire?
INCOMING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
...was another daring rescue by the vigalante known only as "Launches Fish out of a Cannon Man."
Dammit... I guess all the cool super hero names are taken.

 

by Scyess
6-05-02
Yeah, I hate those vigilante-types. That's why I gave this new one a really stupid name: "Launches Fish out of a Cannon Man." hehe
***~~BOOM!~~***
Uh-oh... I sure hope that sound wasn't what I think it was...
RRRAAAAAAAA!!!!!
News flash! This station's very own copy editor was the latest victim of the very suave and cool vigilante, "The Piscatory Avenger."
Now that's more like it.

 

by Scyess
6-05-02
Yes, with one touch of this button, I will blow up the white house, give every human on Earth permanent static cling, and renew Friends for another season!
***~~BOOM!~~***
Not even my arch-rival, Launches Fish out of a Cannon Man, can stop me now! Wait... What! Oh, no!!
YYEEEEAAAAA!!!!
In other news, Launches Fish out of a Cannon Man saved the world this week. But here's a message from the world to LFooaC Man... DOLPHINS ARE NOT FISH!!!
Christ, one little trivia error and the whole world lines up to drive it up your ass with a jackhammer.

 

by Scyess
6-05-02
Gloria, take a memo.
Yes, sir.
"It has come to my attention that iffy accounting practices are in use at this company. They must be found and stopped immediately! Signed, the CEO."
Got it.
Um, whom should I address this to?
I don't care, just make sure there are lots of easy-to-find copies lying around. Oh, and date it three months ago.

 

by Scyess
6-06-02
Hello, ma'am. I'm with PETA. We're passing around a petition to stop Launches Fish out of a Cannon Man's violation of the rights of Piscine-Americans.
***~~BOOM!~~***
AAAIIIIIIYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!
That's odd... I wonder what made her scream like that and slam the door?
AAIIYYEEEEEEEE!!!

 

by Scyess
6-06-02
Trouble is brewing... will Tataki have to tolerate this stinky foreigner?
'allo, Mon ama! I am so Fraanch I wiel now hiet on yoo, even tough I 'ave not showered in 5 months.
Help! Someone save me from having to smell this French person!
No! It looks like once again she will get help from her mysterious guardian, the most unlikely of vigilantes!
***~~BOOM!~~***
WWHHHAAAAAA!!!!
One small step for Tataki's olfactory comfort level, one giant leap back for multicultral tolerance and human brotherhood.
AAAHH!! I am defeited!
**sigh** I wish Launches Fish out of a Cannon Man would hit on me.

 

by Scyess
6-07-02
Today is good.
Today is very good. It will be quite difficult for today to be any better in the third panel than it is now.
Got some "Funyuns."
YES! OH, YES! I HAVE NEVER BEEN THIS HAPPY! LIFE HAS NEW MEANING! OH, THANK YOU MY FRIEND, DELIVERER OF FUNYUNS!!

 

by Scyess
6-07-02
I can't believe how great my boyfriend is.
Oh? Do tell.
For my birthday he got me the UltraVibe 6000 vibrator.
Well, that shows he's open minded, but so are a lot of guys these days.
It's called "6000" because that's the RPM it runs at. He also got me the optional "Anal Fist of Thor" attachment and a gallon of diesel to power it.
Oh, you mean the HARLEY DAVIDSON UltraVibe 6000. Score!

 

by Scyess
6-07-02
Okay, you've got my $5. Now tell my fortune.
Oooommmm... the cards say you will be shot in the ass by a misanthropic kangaroo.
That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. I want my five bucks back right now!
It is not wise to insult the cards, my friend.
Okay, okay, you can keep the five bucks!

 

by Scyess
6-07-02
$40 is a bit steep... I want the fortune you predict to be really accurate.
Oooommmm... the cards say you will given the worst wedgie in the history of wedgies by a huge rabbit in drag.
Come to papa...
Wait a minute... is there even such a thing as the "history of wedgies"?
You know, Bradly, initially I didn't believe you when you said we could make $40 a pop giving people wedgies.
My business partner is a 6'3" talking rabbit in lingerie, and HE finds a little extra cash hard to believe.

 

by Scyess
6-07-02
Wow! A real life fortune teller! Tell my fortune! Tell my fortune!
Oooommmm... the cards say you will soon show me what kind of panties you are wearing.
You sick bastard! Like I'd ever show YOU! HIYA!!
Awk!
Hey, wait a second...
White Jockeys. That will be $5.

 

by Scyess
6-07-02
Fortune Telling Special! You Don't Pay Unless the Fortune is True!
Tell my fortune, Monsieur Fortune Teller.
Oooommmm... the cards say that you are a pretentious French git.
Fortune Telling Special! You Don't Pay Unless the Fortune is True!
What? You stuupid American! Your entire country is uncultred and fiilthy! You speak ugly Engliish but don't know beautiful Fraanch.
Fortune Telling Special! You Don't Pay Unless the Fortune is True!
You don't appreciate true culture, like 4 hour televised debates on wine! Or the art of sipping coffee_and_smoking cigarettes at a cafe looking arty and introspective!
That will be $5.

 

by Scyess
6-07-02
Oooommmm... the cards say the dialogue in the next Star Wars film won't insult the intelligence of the viewer.
Um... gee... I'm sorry, I can't believe the cards said that. Here's your $5 back.
Not only is that totally impossible, it's completely irrelevant to my question about the rash I got from that Dachshund.

 

by Scyess
6-08-02
Okay, let's get this AA meeting started. First, we have invited one of our success stories back as an inspirational speaker.
**clap clap clap**
Hi, folks. I've been alcohol-free for 523 days now. I want to share my secrets with you to help you keep saying "no" to alcohol.
Lesson 1: How to use money which would have been for booze to buy so much heroin you never have to come down.
I hope everyone is taking notes!

 

by Scyess
6-08-02
I see your 25 cents. What've you got?
I've got the 2 and 3 of diamonds, the 6 of spades, 9 of hearts, and a necromancer. My necromancer casts Life Drain on your queens!
A necro-... what?
Aren't we playing Poker: The Gathering?
I really should get around to making some better friends soon.
Okay, in that case my necromancer casts the Bridge spell! I bid Two No Trump.

 

by Scyess
6-08-02
mmmmmmm mmmm mmmmmm mmmm mmmmmmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmmmm mmmm mmmmmmm mmm mmmmmmm mmmm mmmmmmmmm mmmm mmmmmmm mmmmmmm mmm mmmmmmmm mmmmmmmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmmm mmmmmmmm mmmm mmmmmm mmmmmmm mmmmmmmm mmmmm
mmmmmmm mmmm mmmmmm mmmm mmmmmmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmmmm mmmm mmmmmmm mmm mmmmmmm mmmm mmmmmmmmm mmmm mmmmmmm mmmmmmm mmm mmmmmmmm mmmmmmmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmmm mmmmmmmm mmmm mmmmmm mmmmmmm mmmmmmmm mmmmm
mmmmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmmmm mmmmmm mmmm mmmmmmmm mmm mmmmmmmm mm mmmmmmmm mmm mmmmmmmmmm mmm mmmmmmmm mmmmmm mmmm mmmmmmm mmmmmmmmmm mmmm mmmmmm mmmmm mmmmmmmmm mmm mmmmmmm mmmmmm mmmmmmmmm mmmm
mmmmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmmmm mmmmmm mmmm mmmmmmmm mmm mmmmmmmm mm mmmmmmmm mmm mmmmmmmmmm mmm mmmmmmmm mmmmmm mmmm mmmmmmm mmmmmmmmmm mmmm mmmmmm mmmmm mmmmmmmmm mmm mmmmmmm mmmmmm mmmmmmmmm mmmm
I'll be darned! Humming "The Best of Queen" backwards DOES cause your torso to detach and float around!
Told ya.

 

by Scyess
6-08-02
I think my razor blade is dull.
I'll say! All the conversations I've had with it have been extremely one-sided.

 

by Scyess
6-09-02
Toasters are wierd. Look... you put bread in...
...then 2 minutes later, toast comes out!
Where does the bread go?
Exactly! Wierd.

 

by Scyess
6-09-02
A lot of my friends prefer that beefcakey model type, but I believe there's more to a man than that.
Let's see... where did I park?
Which car is yours? Is it that Acura NSX?
No, it's a mauve moped. I always worry it will be stolen, so I'm saving up to buy a new lock and chain.
Oh, there it is! Anyway, I think your attitude towards men is very down-to-earth and healthy, Pamela. ...uh, Pamela?

 

by Scyess
6-09-02
Let's see... there's the all-golf network, the religion channel, 24-hour squash watch channel, the OTHER religion network...
There's that channel that plays old sit-coms from the 70's, the one that replays all of Jerry Lewis' telethons, the spackle network, the pre-adolecent children's channel...
Don't forget the channel that plays nothing but shows about airplanes. Or the one that plays nothing but shows with black people. Or the one that plays nothing but informercials.
Or the one where you can buy cheap crap that they couldn't sell in stores. OR we could cancel our cable, save $50 a month, and stare at a blank wall all evening.
Pass the popcorn.
Shh... this is the good part.

 

by Scyess
6-09-02
Contestant #1: How would you describe your perfect date with me?
I am Fraanch. I would piick you up 30 minutes late, take you to a dark cafe, and explain why French culture is better than your stuupid American "culture."
Contestant #2: How would you describe your perfect date with me?
I'm a dragon. I would pretty much just flame-broil you and eat you.
Pick me up at 6:30.
I'm so glad I got on the same show as the French guy.

 

by Scyess
6-09-02
Heh heh... with Jon out of the house, I'm free to drink the last of the hummus soda...
***~~BOOM!~~***
What the... oh, NO!
YEEEAAAAHHHHH!!!
Dammit, I thought you were done with that "Launches-Fish-out-of-a-Cannon Man" phase.
Guess again, arch-beverage thief!

 

by Scyess
6-09-02
Describe to me a time when you overcame adversity in the workplace.
Okay, sure... there was the time I caught the CFO fudging numbers to give himself more stock options. I found out the CEO knew all about it and was involved, too.
As head of accounting, of course, I was powerless. So I lobbied the board for 8 months until I was hired as CEO, then I fired them both. We had record earnings the following year.
Hm... That's impressive, but I think you may be overqualified for the bag boy position.
You mean... I can go straight to being a checker?

 

by Scyess
6-10-02
Yes, my brothers! And if you're a believer let me get an AMEN!
Telegram!
"Amen!"
It appears that one of my brothers is a sarcastic ass hole.
All right, Cowdjinn! He got your note! Can I change the channel now, PLEASE?

 

by Scyess
6-10-02
Its true, brothers and sisters! Praise the Lord! Can I get an AMEN!
'nother telegram.
"Amen.
"PS Please keep this note so you don't have to keep asking for 'amens' all the time. It's annoying." Ooo... When I get my hands on whoever keeps sending these...
Cowdjinn, I think it's time you got a new hobby.

 

by Scyess
6-10-02
With you, the fun never ends!
...?
Okay, I give up. What exactly did you mean by that?
Something can't end if it never begins, right?

 

by Scyess
6-10-02
Hellen, what's wrong? You look depressed.
My namesake is Hellen of Troy, "the face that launched a thousand ships."
So?
So so far all this face has managed to get me is one guy in a trash can.
...and I'd bloody well like to talk to you about that...

 

by Scyess
6-10-02
Let me guess... you would only spring for the "discount cruise."
I DON'T want to talk about it.

 

by Scyess
6-10-02
Okay, Jon. What's this great new invention of yours?
This jacket should make me completely invisible to police. There is no crime I can't perpetrate! I will be unstoppable! The perfect thief.
SSSSSSSCCCCCRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEE
It felt like I just ran something down, but I don't see anything. Do you know what it was?
I have no idea. I certainly wouldn't associate with someone stupid enough to stand in the middle of the street while he was invisible, if that's what you mean.

 

by Scyess
6-11-02
Yep... so then in SECOND grade I made my greatest discovery yet: non-culinary uses for paste...
Good Lord, I would give just about anything to end this conversation.
WWHHHHAAAA!!!
Yes! It's a miracle! This is irrefutable proof there is a benevolent God in the universe!
Wow! Did you see that fire? I almost got burned! Anyway, about paste...
Or at least irrefutable proof that there's a God bent on screwing with me.

 

by Scyess
6-11-02
Now go forth, Moses, and free your people from bondage.
Yes Lord! I will do as you command.
Hey, Gary!
Weren't you just supposed to tell him to change his socks more often?
I got carried away -- I think it was that stupid goatee.

 

by Scyess
6-11-02
They say we were given two ears but only one mouth so we can listen twice as much as we speak.
Really? I heard it was because in an emergency, you could eat one ear and still have one left.
But I'm open-minded. I'll try out your theory if you try out mine.
Sometimes I wish you were given two ears and no mouth.

 

by Scyess
6-11-02
WWAAHHHHHH!
What's the matter, little girl?
Andrea Smallby said I had a mouth like a guppy!
Why that ain't true! You have a right pretty mouth. Why, you could do all sorts of things with a lovely mouth like that...
Thanks, mister, but they already warned us in school about the comforting-flatterer approach to pedophilic child abduction. Maybe you should try some of the younger kids.
Tried. Big Jim's horsey don't fit in them smaller stables, if ya get me.

 

by Scyess
6-11-02
Hey! You're that crappy TV reverend guy! How did you get in here?
Cowdjinn, you ruined my career with your stupid telegrams; now I'm here to cut you into beef medalions! Eat cold steely death, heathen!
~~Scene of Indescribable Violence~~
I thought I heard something, Cowdjinn. Is someone in here?
Oh, that? I was just chatting with an old pen-pal about the carnivorous nature of pink cattle. *urp*

 

by Scyess
6-13-02
I'm bored, Clem. Wudda ya wanna do tonight?
Dunno.
Well, this is my 7th beer; let's go make racist remarks in front of the NAACP office.
Yeah! Let's go!
National Association for the Advancement of Colored Pencils
Hey! You colored comics should go back to your own stupid polychromatic continent!
Fuck off, black-&-whitey, 'fore I take an eraser to yo' ass!

 

by Scyess
6-13-02
Hey, I've noticed you have facial hair.
So?
So that means you must either work in porno films or be a computer scientist.
So?
So which is it? As a girl, I need to know whether to be disgusted by you or just ignore you.
So far, I think I prefer the latter.

 

by Scyess
6-13-02
Admit it! You know goatees look stupid! The only reason you have one is because you want to show off what little facial hair you can actually grow!
*sob* Yes! Yes, it's true!
Actually, a goatee adds a measure of sophistication to the face. A debonair, worldly look.
The look of a champion, nay, of a KING!
Shut up, you.

 

by Scyess
6-13-02
What would you do with $10 million?
Oh, that's easy. I'd buy a million acres in Idaho.
IDAHO?
Oh, yeah! I'd plant potatoes. Then make a theme park. I'd call it "PotatoLand." We would have potato carving parties and make clothes out of potato peels!
Um, I'm leaving now...
We would build a big castle out of potato starch! The battlements would be teeming with my all-potato army! Our slogan would be "Potato tuber alles!" WE WOULD RULE THE WORLD! You hear me? THE WORLD!!!

 

by Scyess
6-13-02
I'm not coming back in there until you stop all that talk about ruling the world with a potato army.
Don't worry, I've given up on that idea.
...really?
Yes. I realized the first rain would ruin my potato-starch command center.
Well, just as long as you've stopped all that silliness.
We'll see who's silly when you're being interrogated by my loofa gourd commandos.

 

by Scyess
6-13-02
YYIIIIAAAAHHH!!! DEATH DEMON SPOOGE DRIPPING SLIME BEHEADED DEMON-SPAWN SHITS ON YOUR SOUL o/` o/` o/` YYYIIIIAAAAHHH!!! Thank you!
*pant pant pant* Thank you and tipping is appreciated... *pant pant*
WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT FROM ME?
Know any Yanni?

 

by Scyess
6-14-02
**BREOWWRRR**
o/` O. Don't think I'm in love. Was sent from a-booooove... o/`
A, F-sharp, B... or was it B-sharp? Fuck...
Gee... without make-up Brittney Spears looks a lot like Kurt Cobain. ____________ Well, you know, no one never saw the two together...

 

by Scyess
6-17-02
Did you know that every snowflake has a tiny, intricate, six-sided crystaline form, but no two are exactly the same?
So?
Uuhhh... I never thought of it that way.
Good. Maybe next time you won't bother me with your quasi-romantic little trivia nuggets, Mr. Brittanica.

 

by Scyess
6-17-02
Dad, how come you never tell me you love me?
Because I don't. I'm just raising you until you're big enough to eat.
I guess that explains why you force-feed me spice mixtures through a tube.
You're a smart lad. Got nice, plump, savory brain in your head, I'll reckon. Just like your mom.

 

by Scyess
6-17-02
Um... excuse me, would you like to be taller?
What? Oh my god! Are you saying I'm short? Why did you walk up and tell me I'm short? What's wrong with you? Get away from me, you asshole!
Um, because I can give you six inches?
Er, that pick-up line didn't work at all, did it?
Not unless your goal was to simultaneously shatter my self-image and make me hate you.

 

by Scyess
6-17-02
Oh my god! Jon! I've just had a terrible thought! What's our address?
You know our address is 1234 Elm St., Anytown, USA 00000
And what's our phone number?
Why are you asking me this? You know it's 555-6789.
Just what I'm afraid of! Jon, I'm afraid we're... FICTIONAL CHARACTERS!
No! It can't be!

 

by Scyess
6-17-02
This is the worst day of my life -- finding out I'm a fictional character!
Wait, it gets worse. Follow me to the bedroom!
Okay...
Now come with me to the den.
Did you notice how we got to any of these places? We were just suddenly here! We're not just ficitional characters, Jon, I'm afraid we're COMIC STRIP CHARACTERS!
My god, you're right! Look -- you had to switch places with me just to speak first! I think I'm going to go slit my wrists.

 

by Scyess
6-17-02
What the... look! It's Jesus Christ! He really is dying for our sins!
No, I'm afraid my name is Reggie. I've been crucified and just happen to have a beard. I'm not actually Jesus.
Oh.
Wait... that doesn't mean I don't want down from here! Hey! COME BACK!!

Showing page 6.

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