All comics by deucepm

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by deucepm
12-01-02
Yep. Nazis. We're saving Christmas from the Nazis.
So what do Nazis have to do with Christmas?
Uh... TUNE IN TOMORROW FOR THE SHOCKING ANSWER TO MATT'S QUESTION! SAME SOCIOPATH TIME, SAME SOCIOPATH CHANNEL!
Think they bought it?
You may be the stupidest man on the planet Earth.

 

by deucepm
12-02-02
Previously, on Li'l Sociopaths...
Dude, we're on.
I'm down here. Check it out, I found a case of Coors!

 

by deucepm
12-02-02
All right, I'm up. Now can we for cryin' out loud GET ON WITH IT?!
Right. Okay. So the Nazis are trying to destroy Christmas. They've infiltrated Santa's workshop, making his elves into sleeper agents, sabotaging toys, that sort of thing.
Just before he leaves for his midnight ride on December 24th, they'll activate the sleeper elves, detonate the C-4 planted on the grounds, shoot the reindeer and execute Santa before the world's eyes.
That's a pretty good plan. It's insane, but it's not bad.
Well, they're Nazis. You gotta keep in mind, they're all basically batshit crazy.

 

by deucepm
12-02-02
Why would the Nazis try to destroy Christmas anyway?
Control a nation's holidays and control the nation, my friend. They intend to destroy Christmas and replace it with Hitler's birthday.
Imagine the horror of it...hooves clip-clopping on your roof, a poof of dust from the chimney, and WHAMS! HITLER CLAUS IS IN THE HOUSE!
But...but the children of the world would never accept it!
Aw, come on. Kids would open the door to John Wayne Gacy if they thought he had an X-Box in his sack.

 

by deucepm
12-02-02
What do we have to do, then? I want to go home and watch "Beyond the Valley of the Dolls."
Not to worry. See that guy over there? He's an undercover mole who's been feeding me information.
The fat guy wearing the Nazi uniform and the six-inch heels?
That's him. Hermann something.
I don't believe this.
Neither do I. Who wears high heels in snow, anyway?

 

by deucepm
12-02-02
See, it's just that I find HERMANN FUCKING GOERRING somewhat difficult to trust.
No, seriously, dude, he's totally reformed. Look, I'll call him over.
So...you're Hermann Goerring, huh?
Ya, das ist me. Und I am now a totally reformed good guy and not a double agent!
Well, if you're not a Nazi anymore, what do you want to do?
My name is Hermie und I vant to be a dentist!

 

by deucepm
12-02-02
Now, mine sociopathic pals, I tell you ze plan. Ze Nazis are planning to hijack ein shipment of teddy bears meant for poor innocent Baptist children in Kentucky. Ve must stop za hijack!
Oooh, hijacking a hijack. I love this. Can we use snowmobiles?
No. Here is plan. Ve set up roadblock two miles outside of Santa's workshop. Ven Nazis attempt to make it to rendezvous point, ve pick zem off from a distance mit rifles!
But...but we could just roar out of the woods on snowmobiles, Uzis blazing, like modern Vikings, bringing painful death! Blood would steam on the snow in our tracks!
Look, ve are not using ze snowmobiles, all right? Just stick to ze plan!
Look, you Nazi transvestite prick, I'm only here because I have a chip in my head! I DESERVE SNOWMOBILE CARNAGE!

 

by deucepm
12-02-02
Fine, let ze baby have his way. Go get your verdammt snowmobiles. I'll meet you at ze safe point after ze hijack.
Stay loose, good buddy.
Where's you meet that schmuck, anyway?
Hermie? I met him in a Nazi transvestite chat room.
What were you doing in--
I have needs.

 

by deucepm
12-02-02
Snowmobile carnage! At last, something's going my way today!
I just wish I knew where we're going to find snowmobiles at the North Pole. Wait, what's that up there?
WELCOME TO HONEST JOHN THE CHRISTMAS ZOMBIE'S HOUSE OF USED SNOWMOBILES!
You put the "deus" in "deus ex machina," my friend.
Coming from you, that means a lot.

 

by deucepm
12-02-02
...so you see, even though we don't have any money, we need snowmobiles to save Christmas.
Forget it, masky. Until I see the color of your money, you don't get squat.
I see. Excuse me.
Hi. I'm a violent psychopath who finds the flesh of zombies both delicious and nutritious. Kinda like Kix.
You know, that cherry red number over there looks just right for you.

 

by deucepm
12-02-02
SNOWMOBILE CARNAGE! SNOWMOBILE CARNAGE!
You know, as lame as this idea sounded before, it's growing on me. Nothing can stop us now!
Meanwhile, in a darkened bunker...
Ze Amerikaners suspect nothing, mein herr.
Excellent. Little do the fools know that they are playing right into the hands of...
...ROBO-HITLER!!
Holy crap! This is getting exciting! Tune in tomorrow for more!

 

by deucepm
12-03-02
When last we left our heroes, they were on their way to stop the Nazis from hijacking a shipment of teddy bears bound for Santa's workshop.
What are you gonna do first, shoot a Nazi from your snowmobile or just run 'em over?
Oh, man, how can I pick?
Little di they know that Hermann Goerring had fed them this information to lead them into a trap.
Ve haff pulled za vool over zeir eyes, ya, mein Robo-Fuhrer?
You said a mouthful, my faithful Nazi transvestite companion!
Meanwhile, Jack interrogated Nina to get information on where the nuke was being--wait. Wrong show.
TELL ME WHAT I WANT TO KNOW AND I WILL KILL YOU! Wait. Shit. I meant "or."
Oy.

 

by deucepm
12-03-02
It's quiet.
Yep.
TOO quiet.
I don't know, I kinda like the pristine serenity of the Northern climes.
*sigh* Nobody respects the classics.
Don't get me wrong, there's such a thing as TOO quiet. Like when you're using a Q-Tip and you accidentally push all the earwax into your ear canal. I hate that.

 

by deucepm
12-03-02
Here come the trucks. You ready?
Ready as I'll ever be. Which is really quite ready.
1...2...3...SNOWMOBILE CARNAAAAAGE!!
GOD FOR HARRY, SCOTLAND AND SAINT GERMAIN!
Here come the snowmobiles. What's that guy in the hockey mask doing?
I think he's crying as he bellows his rage at us. But it looks like manful crying.

 

by deucepm
12-03-02
Halt, puny humans! You are now prisoners of the First Robo-Reich!
Lay down your weapons and surrender!
Shit! What do we do? Go out in a blaze of glory?
Screw that. I'm saving that for when I meet Regis Philbin. We'd better go along for now.
When will you foolish Tommies learn? The Reich will last a thousand years!
And we've got the power cells to prove it!

 

by deucepm
12-03-02
YOU NAZI BASTARDS! You can't do this to us! I want a lawyer! I want a phone call! I WANT A HAIRSTYLIST!
Dude, we're not alone in here.
Hey, did you guys try and save Christmas too?
Uh...yeah. You too?
Hell yes. Everybody here tried to save Christmas. Look, there's Raggedy Ann and Andy, Ernest, Paul LeMat, the Smurfs...
Just a second. I've got a score to settle with those little blue fucks.

 

by deucepm
12-03-02
What'd you find out?
Everyone who ever saved Christmas is in this joint. I just shared a smoke with Nestor the Long-Eared Donkey.
Really? Was he nice?
Yeah, he--okay, you're missing the point. We've fallen into a trap.
Does he know Roger Miller personally? I've always wanted to meet Roger Miller.
*sigh* I'll ask and see.

 

by deucepm
12-03-02
Those filthy Nazi swine. And to think they weaseled us into falling for their bullshit.
Yeah, almost like implanting a microchip into someone's brain.
Oh, let it go. God, force somebody to work for the side of right through electroshock and all of a sudden you're the bad guy.
What exactly do you define as "working for the forces of good," anyway?
I'm not sure. I think you're held to the same moral standards as, say, Blue Beetle. Or maybe the Red Bee.
Shit.

 

by deucepm
12-03-02
Well, let's get to work on getting out of this crowbar motel. Any ideas?
We could use Pinocchio back there to smash the door down...
TAKE ZIS ONE AWAY FOR QUESTIONING!
Whoa!
Any idea what they're going to do to him?
The usual. Switchblade under the fingernails, breaking his toes one by one, showing him Dana Carvey movies, all the torture classics.

 

by deucepm
12-03-02
Goerring! You rotten swine! How dare you tie me to a chair in this dank torture chamber!
Silence, Amerikaner scum! It is now time for you to be interrogated!
Wait. Hold it. The only reason we're up here in the first place is because you contacted me. Why'd you make us try and save Christmas and then lead us into a trap?
Er...Ze Fuhrer's plan has...it has kinks.
No shit. Wouldn't it have been simpler just to not tell anybody and go ahead and destroy Christmas?
Well, we're Nazis. Keep in mind, we're all basically batshit crazy.

 

by deucepm
12-03-02
Hello? Who's there?
So, Herr Pete...
...WE MEET AGAIN.
Clango?
NO!

 

by deucepm
12-03-02
YOU'RE Adolf Hitler?!
Indeed I am! At long last, I have my revenge upon you, the man who murdered me!
But...but you died in 1945, long before I was born.
HA! Do you think I wouldn't remember the way you threw me off the Reichenbach Falls?!
That was Sherlock Holmes and Professor Moriarty!
Oh. Well, I'm probably pissed at you for some reason. It'll come to me.

 

by deucepm
12-03-02
Now, my friend, it is time we were down to business. But first, allow me to douse the lights.
What? W-why?
Why, I do my best work...IN THE DARK.
NOOOOOOOO!!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
What the hell is that?!
It is the sound of ultimate suffering! I made that sound myself once, when Robo-Hitler used his terrible claws on my nipples. Your friend makes it now.

 

by deucepm
12-03-02
How goes it, Mein Robo-Fuhrer?
The work is complete.
The conditioning?
A complete success. No longer is he the innocent who came here to save Christmas for the world's children...
...now he is MINE, body and soul!
Hey, did you guys notice that France is just, like, sitting there? Somebody ought to do something about that.

 

by deucepm
12-03-02
You want something, you floating sex toy?
Just thought you might like to know that your execution is scheduled for tomorrow.
Well, whoopty-shit.
HA! You won't be so cavalier when you meet your executioner!
...Pete? You switched sides?
Oh, I'm sorry, I'm not allowed to communicate with the enemies of the Reich.

 

by deucepm
12-03-02
...and so, Matt awaits the morning, when the brainwashed Pete will execute him right in front of Santa's workshop!
I hate my life.
....while Robo-Hitler and Goerring continue their plans to kill and replace Santa!
Now are you SURE the Santa suit won't look silly on me?
Vell, maybe you'd better model it some more. Yeah. THAT's it. Work it, you robot Nazi bitch!
Look, we know this is stupid, but it's still better than "Birds of Prey," so tune in tomorrow!
I wonder if it's polite to snack at an execution?

 

by deucepm
12-04-02
Tonight's scheduled episode of The Li'l Sociopaths Save Christmas is being preempted so that we can bring you this new pilot.
One day, he will save the entire world...but until then, he's just a regular kid. From the people who brought you SMALLVILLE, it's...
...BETHLEHEM.
Gee whiz, Mary Magdalene, why don't you want to go to the dance with me?
You're from squaresville, Jesus. Besides, that Judas Iscariot is smokin' hot!

 

by deucepm
12-04-02
Hi, I'm Brian Robbins, producer of Bethlehem. You may remember me as the dreamy rebel on Head of the Class.
Why Bethlehem, you ask? Well, after strip-mining DC Comics for all it was worth, we wanted to work on a much bigger canvas. Who was Jesus? What was he like as a kid? Did he get lots of hot teen ass?
The answer to that last question is yes, by the w--AAAIIIIGGGHHH!!
Aw, look, producer go splat. How about we get back to MY STORY NOW?!

 

by deucepm
12-04-02
When last we left our heroes, Pete had been brainwashed by Robo-Hitler into becoming a Nazi bastard, charged with executing his good friend Matt.
Remember, when you cut off his head, try to leave a little flap of skin attached so it doesn't roll away.
Golly, there's so much to learn!
Matt, meanwhile, was struggling as the hours ticked away.
THIS is my last meal?!
Don't knock it, pal. They were going to feed you one of the giant cockroaches.
In the hospital, Brian Robbins was recovering nicely.
I've got it! A show set in a hospital! A sexy teen hospital!

 

by deucepm
12-04-02
Ohhhh, I'm a Nazi, you're a Nazi, he's a Nazi, she's a Nazi, wouldn't you like to be a Nazi too! Be a Nazi, drink Dr. Nazi...
Riiight. You just amuse yourself, my boy, and I'll see you in the morning.
Whatta maroon...
All is ready for za execution, mein Robo-Fuhrer, but...
But what? Spit it out, Goerring, I'm busy.
I shall be frank, mein herr. Vhy is it you no longer haff ein German accent und I sound like ein retarded Colonel Klink?

 

by deucepm
12-04-02
Is that what's worrying your pretty little head?
Vell, it hurts ven za prisoners see me and make mit ze "I zee nussink, I know nussink" business, mein Robo-Fuhrer.
Hermann, I don't have an accent because my brain was placed in this robot body by those guys in the CIA I made a pact with in 1945.
Oh, ya, ya! Luckily za rest of your inner circle were cloned!
Well, all except for Hess. That stupid bastard never did me a damn bit of good.
Snappy dresser, though.

 

by deucepm
12-04-02
Yes, for years, they kept us in the sub-sub-sub-basement of CIA headquarters, drilling us, interrogating us, trying to learn all they could about Nazism so they could stamp it out if it rose again!
A brilliant yet silly plan, mein Robo-Fuhrer.
Well, we'll see how brilliant they were when he shoot Santa Claus in the head before a worldwide audience!
It vill be ein glorious moment!
You do still have him locked in the cage, right?
Ya, mein herr. Ve have been keeping him fed on fluffernutters and Pixy Stix.

 

by deucepm
12-04-02
How ya doin', sport?
Ooogh. Thank God he stopped with the exposition. I don't know how much more I can stand.
Well, I wouldn't worry about it. After all, you're being executed in an hour.
And about that. Why are they executing me? I mean, this prison is full of people, and...things...why single ME out?
Well, they're Nazis. Keep in mind, they're all basically batshit cr--
AHHHHH, SHADDAP!

 

by deucepm
12-04-02
Stupid Pete and his stupid chip in my head making me work for the side of good!
Wait...if you have a chip in your head that makes you do good, why haven't you tried to break out?
I...what do you mean?
I mean, if your friend turned Nazi, that means he's evil. So leaving him to his own devices must be good...right?
I don't know. My brain hurts and you're not helping.
I think I've been surprisingly helpful considering that I was supposed to let you eat me.

 

by deucepm
12-04-02
BRING OUT THE PRISONER!
Morning, American scum.
Escaping is good, but leaving Pete a Nazi is bad...but helping Pete is bad...but Nazis are good...wait, that's not right...
Whoa, hey, that can't be good.
AHHHHHHHHHH!!!

 

by deucepm
12-04-02
...the hell was that?
The chip...the chip isn't working anymore...that means I'm...
FREE! AHHH HA HA HA HA! FREE OF THIS RANKIN-BASS NIGHTMARE! FUCK YOU ALL! I'M OUTTA HERE! FREE! FREE! FREEEEeeeee...
...well, fuck.
So should we be, like, trying to stop him or something? We've never had an escape before.

 

by deucepm
12-04-02
Curses! Rally the troops! I want that hockey-masked freak brought back here posthaste!
Jawohl, Mein Robo-Fuhrer.
Wait. On second thought...let him go.
Vas? But...but why?
Well, I'm Hitler. You gotta remember, I'm basically batshit cr--
Even I am sick of das running gag.

 

by deucepm
12-04-02
We'll have an execution anyway! Bring out Santa Claus!
Whoa. I have to execute Santa Claus?
Errr....no, no, of course not. You're executing SATAN Claus, Santa's evil twin brother.
Ohhhh. Well, that's all right, then.
Is it?
Yeah. I mean, it's not as good as executing Kathie Lee Gifford, but it'll do.

 

by deucepm
12-04-02
Get moving, old man!
YOU LOUSY ASS SONS OF BITCHES! Get off, damn you!
HOLD HIM DOWN! HOLD HIM DOWN! GET THE ROPES AROUND HIM!
YOU DAMN DIRTY APES! GET YOUR STINKING PAWS OFF ME!
And make sure he suffers for using that cliche!
IT'S A MADHOUSE! A MAAAADHOOOOUSE!

 

by deucepm
12-04-02
Any last words, Santa?
I'LL SEE YOU IN HELL, YOU TIKI-FACED FUCK!
Hi-KEEBA!
Boy, there...there sure is a lot of...lot of blood...

 

by deucepm
12-04-02
That's....that's Santa Claus...I just....I just cut off Santa Claus' head...I...I...
NOOOOOOOOOOO!!
Huh. Should we go after him, mein Robo-Fuhrer?
Nah, there's plenty of hungry wolves out there. C'mon, let's go get a knish.

 

by deucepm
12-04-02
[Insert the sound of uncontrollable sobbing here.]
I think that's all we're gonna get out of him tonight, folks. Tune in tomorrow for more of The Li'l Sociopaths Save Christmas!

 

by deucepm
12-05-02
Ve haff lost all trace of the hockey-masked one, mein Robo-Fuhrer.
Hmph. Well, with Santa dead, he can do nothing to upset our plans.
Und the tiki-masked one?
Ha! He has served the Robo-Reich well, Hermann! Besides...
...what are the chances he will survive until the morning?

 

by deucepm
12-05-02
AROOOOO!
Have...have to keep going...warn the world...but so tired...
So...very...
*thud*

 

by deucepm
12-05-02
o/0 Sleigh bells ring, are ya listenin', in a lane, snow is glistenin'...a beautiful-- o/0
Uuunngghh...
Oh, there you are! Let's get you out of this cold night, my boy!
Whuh?
Boy, it's a good thing the all-encompassing darkness hides the crack in your ass, kid.
Uuugh.

 

by deucepm
12-05-02
Merry Christmas, everyone!
Merry what now? Today's Hitler Day, pal. Where's your false moustache?
What? But...no, it's Christmas!
Well, there was such a thing as Christmas, until some bastard killed Santa...hey...IT'S HIM! GET HIM! GET HIIIIM!
AHHHHHHHHHH!
Hey, sounds like you're about done with your dream sequence. Want some soup?

 

by deucepm
12-05-02
Ohhhh...where am I?
My house. Just a short walk away from the workshop. I guess you got turned around in the dark.
What? I'm back at--I gotta get outta here! I have to warn the world!
Relax, chief. There'll be time enough for that after you've gotten some nourishment.
But...Hitler is planning on taking over Christmas and, eventually, the world!
Ah, Hitler schmitler. He's not gonna conquer anything while you suck down a mug of broth, all right?

 

by deucepm
12-05-02
Well, thanks for taking me in. Good thing you stumbled over me in the dark.
Oh, I didn't stumble. I was looking for you.
What? Who are you?
Why, Pete, I thought you'd have guessed by now...
...after all, didn't you come up here to help me?

 

by deucepm
12-05-02
SANTA! But...no, it can't be you! I killed you!
Mmmm...no.
Actually, you killed my evil twin brother, Satan Claus, who tried to take my place. Before I could throw him out, those damn Nazis showed up.
Congratulations on one of the most ludicrous plot twists to date.
Don't look at me, whitey, I don't write this crap.

 

by deucepm
12-05-02
Oh, Santa, I'm so glad I didn't kill you! I don't know how I could have lived with myself!
Aw, you would've found a way. Your childlike faith in goodness would have pulled you through.
Really?
Sure.
I have childlike faith?
Well, I didn't say it was a smart child.

Showing page 7.

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