All comics by Scyess

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by Scyess
2-23-01
This sucks. I never meet any cute chicks around here.
Yip yip! Arf!
My god! That little doggie over there is sooooooo cute! I'm going to give him a great big hug and kiss right now!!
I'm yours. Teach me The Way.
You say that now, but rarely has one of my disciples gotten past the Trial of the Green Bikini Briefs.

 

by Scyess
2-23-01
Um, well, excuse me... I saw you in the park the other day and... I was wondering... well --
Back off, creep! I have 5 black belts in 12 different martial arts! I'm a lethal weapon! I'll break you in half! HIYA!
Break me in half? Ha! I'd like to see you try!
Bring it on! HIYA! They'll have to use dental records to identify your body! HIYA! HIYA!
Oh, well. As long as I've struck out I might as well enjoy the free glimpses of her underwear.
HIYA! What's the matter? Scared? HIYA! Come on, bucko! HIYA!

 

by Scyess
2-23-01
What's the matter, punk? You talk big but you don't show me what you've got! HIYA!
I'm judging my distance and examining your kata for weak points.
No you're not, you jerk! You're watching me kick at you to catch glimpses of my underwear!
Uhhhhh...
Wow! It's not often we get a human kicked here all the way from Earth!
I've had dates that ended worse. Now help scrape me up, will you?

 

by Scyess
2-23-01
My job sucks. My romantic life is in a shambles. I have dish-pan hands. I don't think my life could possibly be any worse than it is right now.
I came over here intending to hit you up for a trick, but upon seeing your face I realize I would only sleep with you if the world were nuked and you were the last man on Earth.
Okay, maybe it COULD possibly be worse.
Yikes! Actually, I take that back.

 

by Scyess
2-23-01
Hey! Newly elected President George W. Bush!
Yes, former Attorney General Janet Reno!
"I can't believe you appointed a member of the Christian right as attorney general!"
I want an abortion!
Fie!
I've already appointed enough token minorities! You'll just have to get used to the White House being used as a center of government instead of a gimmick for getting interns to suck you off.
Fie!

 

by Scyess
2-23-01
That's one cute girlie over there!
Psst! I think she likes you! Why don't you woo her in your charming construction worker manner?
HEY, SWEETIE! WHY DON'T YOU SHAKE THAT SWEET THING OVER THIS WAY AND GIVE YO' DADDY A KISS!
HIYA!!!
Yes! I haven't seen this much girl's underwear since I got busted for stealing cable.

 

by Scyess
2-23-01
Boy, that little violent girl sure is cute.
I'd like to get to know her better. I don't know why women don't like me.
Maybe it's because you keep a pink cow chained in your closet just to have someone to talk to.

 

by Scyess
2-23-01
I'm depressed, Jim.
Have a cookie, Jon.
Feelin' okay, Jon?
I feel fine, Jim.
You don't look so good though, Jim. Did you have one?
Are you kidding, Jon? I wouldn't touch that shit for a blowjob and a stack of pancakes.

 

by Scyess
2-24-01
Hi. I'm that guy you kicked to the planet Freon the other day.
My name is Tataki. That's Japanese for "to hit."
My name is Jon. That's English for "my parents weren't very creative."
How did you get back from Freon already??
Tried hitting on some Freonese girl. I think she was frigid.
You don't get to talk to other people much, do you?

 

by Scyess
2-24-01
So, um... anyway. Well...
You can ask me out now, or you can shut up and avoid being reduced to a quivering, bloody pulp.
I see...
I'd be happy to set you up with my sister, though.
Well, I guess that's better than nothing.
Bitch coated the insides of all my panties with super glue.

 

by Scyess
2-24-01
Jon, I want you to meet my sister, Bova. I hope you two have a nice time on your date.
Um... hi.
Moo.
The sad part is, this is the most promising date I've had in the last 6 years.

 

by Scyess
2-24-01
So I graduated from the Super Dave Community College with a degree in the lacunar sciences in '98. Well, almost graduated, anyway...
Moo.
Ha ha! But I've been talking about my self all evening. Why don't you tell me something about yourself.
Moo.
You're not much for small talk, I guess.
What part of "moo" don't you understand?

 

by Scyess
2-24-01
... later that evening ...
Gosh, I've never brought a date to my place before. I want you to meet Cowdjinn. He's the pink cow I keep chained in my closet just to have someone to talk to.
Moo.
Hello, Bova! I'm very happy to make your acquaintence. I look forward to an evening in the presence of such a beautiful and fascinating woman.
Moo.
She's not much for words, but DAMN is this chick hot.
Of course, I mean "moo" in the most coruscating possible sense, if you'll pardon the hyperbole.

 

by Scyess
2-24-01
Hey, what are you doing out here? Aren't you supposed to be on a date with my sister, Bova!
Well, she and my friend hit it off so well I left them at my place and went for a walk.
Listen, are you SURE Bova is your sister? I only ask because she doesn't look at all like you. In fact she looks more like... well, like a pink cow.
And what do you think you are? Brad Pitt?
All she talked about all night was cud and the dairy industry!

 

by Scyess
2-24-01
You keep standing there looking like you want to ask me out. Let me just tell you that it would be much less painful for you to keep your mouth shut.
Uhhh...
Here's some change. Why don't you and your string tie cach a bus back to the '80s.

 

by Scyess
2-24-01
AAAAHH!!! DON'T HIT ME.
I'm not going to hit you! I'm just handing you some change with a very violent motion.
If you're going to give me charity, I'd rather it be in the form of a date.
Me? Date you? You're not even in color!
Racist.
Hell, you're not even in the same PLANE of the comic strip. That whole "foreground" thing is, like, totally last week.

 

by Scyess
2-24-01
I'll tell you what. Since you want a date so badly I'll give you one...
REALLY??
...IF you get my parents' approval first.
Uhhh...
Be at my house tomorrow at 8:00. I'll show you the couch made of the hides of all the men who tried to date me.

 

by Scyess
2-24-01
Jim! That cute little violent girl agreed to go on a date with me!
Aw, shucks, Jon! I told you what would happen if you kept on a-lyin' like that.
No, really! I'm going to meet her parents tomorrow night.
Jon...
*sigh* do you want me to count the strokes, or just shout, "Thank you sir, may I have another?"
Actually, partner, tonight you can do both. That'd be right fine of ya.

 

by Scyess
2-24-01
I have a date!
I have a date!
I have a date!
Yeah, right. See if THAT ever happens again.

 

by Scyess
2-24-01
Hi, Tataki! Are you ready for our date?
Sure. There's just one thing I want to take care of first.
(ouch)
HIYA!!!
Ow.
Now that the mood is properly set, I'm ready for our date. See you tonight.

 

by Scyess
2-24-01
Well, my friend. It's time to depart on your first date for as long as I can remember. Do you need any last minute advice?
What do I want to do if she wants to hold my hand? Or kiss me? OR MY GOD! WHAT IF SHE WANT SEX??? WHAT DO I DO??
Maybe we should talk about something more relavant, like how to reduce the affects of mace or how to stay out of range of a flamethrower...

 

by Scyess
2-24-01
Jon arrives at Tataki's house...
Hi, Tataki! I'm here to subject myself to humiliating scrutiny by your parents in hopes of being allowed to ask you on a date you before you turn me down.
Great! I'd like you to meet my dad! Dad, this is Jon.
Hey there, boy! Nice to eat you! I mean meet you!
Uhhh...
It's nice to have another man around here! Let me show you some of my child pornography videos. You like child pornography, don't ya, boy?

 

by Scyess
2-24-01
So, umm, sir... What do you do for a living?
I'm retired.
I used to be an information extractor for the Viet Kong, but I collected so many gold teeth and fingers with jeweled rings I was able to retire early.
I see...
Now I devote all my time to my hobby: thinking of new things to do to the testicles of people who want to date my daughter.

 

by Scyess
2-24-01
So, Jon-boy! What do you do for a living?
Oh, this and that. Right now I'm trying to copyright the use of the term "John" meaning toilet so I can collect royalties.
And you're here because you want to date my daughter?
Yes, sir.
Where are my manners? Have a seat, boy!
Thank you, sir... but I noticed all your chairs have 5" spikes on the seats... except that one made of live wolverines.

 

by Scyess
2-24-01
So you're job is Professional Loser. What the hell do you do all day?
Well, I talk to my friend Cowdjinn. He's a pink cow I keep chained in my closet.
The only reason I haven't killed this person yet is because I haven't thought of a way that's slow and painful enough.
I also collect dust motes in interesting shapes. So can I date your daughter or what?

 

by Scyess
2-25-01
Tell ya what, Jon-boy. I like you. Let me take you to meet Tataki's mom. Follow me, boy.
You LIKE me?
Sure! You're dumb, worthless, and slovenly; your whole existence is like some sort of trite parody of human pathos. But I won't hold that against you.
You like ME? Even though you've talked to me?
Of course, I'm a KITTEN compared to the Mrs. She'll rip out your intestines and hang you with them. "Hell hath no fury...!" (ho ho)
Gee... your house is a lot more spacious than it looks from the outside.

 

by Scyess
2-25-01
So, Dad, what do you think of Jon?
I let him live. I've also decided he can date you as long as he doesn't come within 27 feet of you and you pretend not to know each other.
YES!
Don't get too excited yet, schmuck-o. You still have to meet Mom. She'll rip out your intestines and hang you with them.
That's the same metaphor your father used to describe her.
Metaphor? What do you mean? Anyway, her cage is this way. Come on!

 

by Scyess
2-25-01
This is my mom. She secretes flesh-disintegrating acid from her facial tenticles. Mom, this is Jon.
*snarl* *gurgle* *spit* J-O-N!! *drool* *growl* *smack*
... uh... Jon?
Hi, there, Samantha. Long time no see.
You two KNOW each other??
What? You think you're the first girl to try to pass off a demonic sub-creature as her mother just to get me to go away?

 

by Scyess
2-25-01
Tataki: "I can't believe you figured out that I was trying to get rid of you by pretending the Minions of Hell were my parents."Jon: "There's just one thing I don't understand."
*drool*
Why would you go to all this trouble to recruit the Unholy Powers and put me through a terrifying and humiliating evening, instead of just turning down my request for a date directly?
I didn't want to hurt your feelings.
Is this what it's like when girls are nice to you? Because it really sucks.

 

by Scyess
2-25-01
Well, you've completely foiled all my attempts to stop you from asking me out. I guess there's only one thing left to do...
GO OUT WITH ME??!?
No... break your legs. HIYA!!
(ouch)
Oh, it's you, Jon. Date night?
Maybe tonight for once we can skip the obvious questions and go straight to the morphine, okay?

 

by Scyess
2-26-01
Wow, you were gone a long time! I trust you had fun on your date?
Well, she led me to a fake address where she tried to have me devoured by two generals from the Legions of Hell. Then she broke my legs and left me for dead.
Great! I don't remember when one of your dates has gone so well.
I think I'm in love!

 

by Scyess
2-26-01
So when a girl wants to kiss you, that means there's a remote chance in the distant future that she will want to have sex with you.
Right.
And when a girl agrees to go out with you, that means that she has considered the possibility of letting you kiss her.
Precicely.
...so that means that I've never been considered for the possibility of being allowed to have a remote chance of having sex with someone in the distant future!
I could let you go on, but the strip only has three panels.

 

by Scyess
2-26-01
Gosh, Jim, I wish I could tell what women are thinking.
Well, Jon, maybe if you rub your magic lamp a genie will grant your wish!
For the last time, Jim, I know that bulge in your pants isn't "my magic lamp." Christ, I don't even know why I talk to you.
Maybe 'cause no one else will, Jon. Now start rubbin'!

 

by Scyess
2-26-01
Jesus CHRIST that guy is freaky. I think I will smile harmlessly and slowly back away in the other direction.
Is that guy retarded, or does he look that way on purpose? I don't know whether I should give him some spare change or run away screaming.
I wish I knew what women think.
No, actually, you probably don't.

 

by Scyess
2-26-01
}}} depression... {{{
Okay, Jon. It's time to snap out of your blue funk. You're even depressing ME!
But I don't know what to do. My love life is a complete failure.
Maybe you should hang out with one of your ugly chick friends and commiserate?
The only "chick" I know has enormous bat wings and a squid for a head.
It doesn't get any uglier than that! Anyway, just get out; I've got a hot date tonight and I want things to look nice.

 

by Scyess
2-26-01
What the hell. As long as Cowdjinn is kicking me out, I might as well at least try to call Tataki...
Hi, Jon! Just in case you were thinking of calling me tonight, I thought I'd stop by to change your mind.
Yikes!
Hi, Jon! Darn shame this keeps happening to you.
Not really; I was wondering what I should to tonight, anyway...

 

by Scyess
2-26-01
Oh, well. Why the hell not?
Speakerphone.
*slobber* *grunt* Hello? *drool*
Hello, Samantha? This is Jon. You know, the guy women keep hiring you to devour painfully. I was wondering if you wanted to grab a drink or something tonight.
You'll just have to imagine the black line in the middle that separates characters on the phone, folks.
I'd love to, Jon, *growl* but my corrosive saliva keeps disolving the glasses. *pant* *slurp*
It's cool. We'll do shots.

 

by Scyess
2-26-01
Down at the Local Saloon
So your date is a demonic sub-creature. It's better than no date at all. Besides, it's just a platonic thing...
At least you're out for once, Jon. You're in a happen' bar... out on the town. Besides, no one you know will see you in a place like this.
Well, slap my saddle and call me a show pony, y'all! It's my friend Jon!
Unless, of course, Jim shows up.
What're you doin' out here, Jon? I thought you'd still be hiding in shame after that little girl kicked the snot out of ya! Boy, howdy, I sure would be!

 

by Scyess
2-26-01
Actually, Jim, I'm here meeting someone. She'll be here any minute now.
You mean, Jon, you're meeting a girl? Like a date? Haw haw haw haw that's rich! What is she, ugly stupid or somethin'?
Actually, Jim, she has many fine qualities.
"Fine qualities," Jon? Haw haw haw! She must be REALLY awful! Haw haw... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!
Like punctuality, for instance.
Right on time again! *drool* *sputter* You're buying the first round, right, Jon? *grunt*

 

by Scyess
2-27-01
No offense, Samantha, but I just don't understand the opposite sex. The way they crush our egos... the way they tease and flirt even when they're not really interested...
No offense, taken, Jon. I don't understand men, either. The way they always have to be so macho, the way they play on your low self-esteem...
And no matter what I do, they never find me attractive.
I said, they don't find me attractive.
Speak for yourself, Quasimoto. MY schedule is booked every Friday night.

 

by Scyess
2-27-01
Honestly, Samantha... do you think I'd be more attractive to women if I had some plastic surgery?
NO.
Trust me, Jon. You don't want to go there.
10 years earlier, at Zlachmud's $10 Rhinoplasty Emporium Warehouse World
So I was thinking I'd like something done with my nose. Not much, mind you, but maybe just a little nip off the end...
ACH! Zamantha! I am zie artizt! You do not tell me vhat to do! I vill make you vace gloriouz. Yes, GLORIOUZ!

 

by Scyess
2-28-01
Needless to say...

 

by Scyess
2-28-01
You shouldn't let Tataki push you around so much.
I know, but what can you do?
**ZAP!**
Um, let me rephrase that...

 

by Scyess
2-28-01
Thank you for a lovely evening, Jon. As a token of my gratitude I'll draw upon the dark powers to allow you to see into women's thoughts.
Really? Great!
‚±‚Ì‚ ‚¢‚‚ ‚½‚µ‚ɘb‚µ‚Í‚¶‚ß‚½‚çAŽ©n‚µ‚¿‚ႤB
Um, I still can't understand women's thoughts.
Understand? I said "see into!" How much power do you think the Eternal Legions of Damnation have, anyway?

 

by Scyess
2-28-01
Haw! A dog on a ball! There's somethin' you don't see every day.
Yip yip!
Haw! A Confederate statue from 1863! There's somethin' you don't see every day.
Oh, howdy, Earl.
Hi there, Jim.

 

by Scyess
3-01-01
Cowdjinn: "My dearest Bova, darling, the magic and romance of this evening have been augmented more every time I look at you: the stunning vision of pulchritude I see before me."
Moo.
Bova: "You flatter me, sir. All evening have your words enveloped me like an irredescent cloud, pulling me up beyond the boundries of where I imagined romance could go."
Moo.
Cowdjinn: "Come, then, my sweet little heifer. We shall make Sampson himself envious of the way we move the rafters this evening." Bova: "I am yours, Cowdjinn. Take me!"
Moo.
Moo.

 

by Scyess
3-01-01
Hey! I'm home!
Mooooo... MoooOOOOoo... mooOOO... moo...ooo...ooo... MMMOOOO!!
HOLY JESUS FUCKING CHRIST IN A TIRE SWING!!
MooOOoo..ooo... mooooOOO!! mooo oh shit...
Gee, Jon, I can't seem to find anything physically wrong with you. What happened?
Have you ever opened your closet to find two pink cows having wild monkey sex while wearing your underwear and using your toothbrush as an erotic toy??

 

by Scyess
3-01-01
I feel lustful! What can I do to curb my desire for a man?
Hi there!
Thanks.
All right! This sounds like a great time to ask her out!

 

by Scyess
3-02-01
Hey, honey! It's time to throw out the corpse. We've already drained its essence and it's starting to smell.
Okay, I'll throw it out. But not until we drain the rest of the blood and save the innards for our dark rites.
(Goth contest.)
Okay, fine, but first I get to rape it again.

 

by Scyess
3-03-01
You know, Tataki, you can't get anywhere in life by beating people up all the time.
Really? I think my foot might disagree with you. HIYA!
Awk!
Wow, that was awesome! Here's fifty bucks.
Thanks, mister! Now how about another hundred to keep my foot from getting too loquacious?

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