All comics by biped

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by biped
11-21-01
In prison, Dave learns something about himself...
Hey, fuckwad! You smell like shit!
Maybe the squirrel is right.
Even Cowboy Bill weighs in with a harsh assessment...
Confidentially, Dave...not only are you a horse's ass, but you smell like one, too.
I guess now it's "official." Maybe I should shower today.
But Dave's not the only one hatching a scheme...
Mmm...fresh chicken...randy too...
Well, it's a plan, then. I'm going to take a shower, and then I'm going to fuck that squirrel.

 

by biped
11-21-01
Oh drat...Mona's leaving me for the mailman...
Serves ya right, shithead!
I have nothing left to live for...whatever shall I do?
Why don'tcha kill yourself, dumbass?
OW!!! OW!!! I'm dying...
Cool!!! Can't wait to rob your corpse, ya big butthead!

 

by biped
11-21-01
Hey robot -- wanna "date"?
Are you offering me sexual favors in return for monetary compensation?
Uh...yeah.
HAR...HAR...the joke is on you, human female...I have no penis.
Oh...well...can you give me a ride downtown?
Er...I have no car, either.

 

by biped
11-21-01
I'm here to pick up your sister.
Stick your dick up my sister?
No...I'm taking her to eat out.
You wanna take her and eat her out?
Um...could you please go and tell her to come to the door?
JUDY! THIS DUDE WANTS YOU TO GET ON YOUR KNEES SO HE CAN COME ON YOU, YOU WHORE!

 

by biped
11-22-01
FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC!!!
FAR-FUCKING-OUT!!!
FUCK FUCK-FUCK FUCK...FUCK!!!
FUCKITY FUCK-FUCK!!!
GO FUCK YOURSELF!!!
FUCK YOU!!!

 

by biped
11-22-01
The alien emissary meets happy stupid dragon...
MMM...You look GOOD! Me want to KILL you and EAT you!
I come in peace...to spread a message of goodwill to --
KILL AND EAT you is what me do! Yum - yum, you look GOOD!
I...I don't understand...I come in peace with a message of --
SLURP!!! MMM, him tasted GOOD!!! Yummy BLOOD and MEAT and CHEWY BONES!!!

 

by biped
12-01-01
It's fun to witness public executions.
Yeah! They're almost better than TV!
I hope this guy dies good.
Hang the fucker! I gotta pee!
His neck stretched real nice.
Yeah! He pooped his pants and everything!

 

by biped
12-03-01
Captain Chip was walking in the park one day, when...
I am a character with little or no expression.
Gosh! Really? I don't understand!
It's simple -- I'm a useful tool for comics artists who want a character to convey dry, subtle humor or world-weariness.
Gee, that's swell! They usually use me for happy-type stuff, since I'm so gosh-darn happy all the time!
That's what you think...they usually contrast your chipper attitude by having you mouth profanities or sick, twisted remarks.
SHIT! FUCK! PISS! SCREW YOUR MOM! Gosh, you're right!

 

by biped
12-04-01
In this story, the usually-patient Mel is finally driven over the edge by the ignorance of the great unwashed...
What the hell's that?
My latest painting. I just finished it.
Yeah, but what the hell's it supposed to be?
It's an abstract. It's totally non-representational.
But what the hell's it supposed to be? A fuckin' horse or something?
Did I stutter? It isn't supposed to be anything, dumbass.

 

by biped
12-04-01
One day, Captain Chip happens upon a cute little girl...
La la la...deedle-dee...
Hello, little girl! I'm Captain Chip! What's your name?
I'm Goo-Goo.
"Goo-Goo"? Ha-ha! That's a cute name!
I like to commit criminal acts, torture small animals, and watch snuff films.
Ha-ha, I...huh?

 

by biped
12-04-01
Ying-Yang takes no guff from weirdos in dark alleys...
Hah! I'm BAD! GRRR! Snarl, snuck, BLAH!
You need to have your shit fucked up.
SHUT UP, little girl! I'm a BAD and TWISTED SICKO! GRRR!
You ain't shit...
You're a VERY STUPID LITTLE GIRL!
Oh yeah? SUCK MY DICK, ya big pussy!

 

by biped
12-04-01
A priest and a rabbi are on a plane...the stewardess asks if they would like a drink...the rabbi says "Yes, I'd love a cocktail..."
YOU SUCK!!!
Then the priest says, "I'd rather commit adultery than to have liquor touch my lips..."
GET OFF THE STAGE!!!
And suddenly the rabbi says "Wait -- cancel my order! I didn't know I had a choice!"
YOU -- umm...heh, heh...that was kinda funny...

 

by biped
4-16-02
Look! Me found kitty cat!
Me glad you found kitty cat!
Me glad you glad me found kitty cat!
Me glad you glad me glad you found kitty cat!
Six hours later...
...me glad you glad me glad you glad me glad you glad me glad you glad me glad you glad me glad you glad me glad you glad me glad you glad...
...you glad me glad you glad me glad you glad me glad you glad me glad you glad me glad you glad me glad you glad me glad you found kitty cat!

 

by biped
4-16-02
Krrbl gryxx bllff!
Yes, master.
A giant bug just ordered me to clean out my savings account and give him all my money.
Don't do it...it's a rip-off...you'll be ruined financially...
Hmm, that sounds like good advice. Perhaps the giant bug was bad.
Yes. Giant bugs are always bad.

 

by biped
4-16-02
Goo-Goo and Ying-Yang perform dialogue from the edited-for-TV version of "Scarface"...
Damn you, mang.
Forget you, and forget the stinking Diaz brothers!
I tried to tell him...he fouled up.
You too, Mel! You fouled up!
Don't fool me, Tony...don't you ever try and fool me.
This town is like a giant chicken just waiting to get plucked!

 

by biped
11-07-03
HEE HAW!!! ME DOG ON BALL!!!
Feminine hygiene products...
GOO GOO!!! BOO-BOO POODLY-DOO!!!
Things to get my boyfriend to buy for me...
HEE HAW!!! ME GET CHAINSAW AND KILL YOU WITH IT!!!
Sandra Bullock movies...

 

by biped
11-07-03
Dang. I can't find mah horse.
Well, what am I supposed to do? Give a flying fuck?
She shore was a good 'un.
Guess you'll have to find something else to fuck now, huh?
Her name was "Lulabelle."
And your name is "Huge Fucking Asshole."

 

by biped
11-07-03
I was once trapped in an elevator with Evander Holyfield and Vanna White.
I invented elevators.
Well, I've been to the moon. That's right -- the moon.
I keep my gardening tools in a toolshed on Pluto.
Perhaps I should kill you..then my accomplishments will be greater than yours.
I've already killed you and brought you back to life a hundred and eleven times, simply for my own amusement.

 

by biped
11-14-03
I found the following negative comment about me on my info page. I have chosen Blaine Rivers to respond to it for me.
(quote) "Not as great as claimed. Lose the ego, kid." (unquote)
Look! Me found kitty cat!
Um...
Are you glad me found kitty cat? If so, then me glad you glad me found kitty cat!

 

by biped
11-14-03
Our sick society claims yet another victim...
Mommy, I just accidentally watched a Christina Aguilera video on VH1.
NO! NO!!!
She didn't have hardly any clothes on. And she was wiggling her bo-bo and her ding-dongs and stuff.
GASP...MY LITTLE BABY ISN'T INNOCENT ANYMORE!!!
She was bowlegged. And she looked all dirty and yucky. But for some reason, I still watched it.
OH, YOU HEARTLESS, DECADENT SLUT!!! YOU'VE DEFILED MY WIDDLE POOKY OOKUMS!!!

 

by biped
11-14-03
Now that the big cattle drive is over, Cowboy Bill has a question for Tex...
Why do you just call yourself "Tex"? Why not "Cowboy Tex"? Like me -- Cowboy Bill?
Well...look at me. I'm obviously a cowboy.
If you see a guy dressed like a fireman or a circus clown, he doesn't need to call himself "Fireman Jeff" or "Clown Melvin" or whatever.
That's fine for you, I guess. The name "Tex" is already pretty cowboy-ish.
Yeah...I reckon "Bill" does sound pretty frigging lame all by itself.

 

by biped
3-30-04
Cowboy Bill serenades a duck...
Oh, it gets lonesome in the bunkhouse, at the tail end of the day...ain't no gals for miles around, and the cows have gone away...
I get a funny feelin' as I'm takin' off my boot...that's when the other cowpokes start a-lookin' kinda cute.
Nice song, Cowboy Bill. Sorta gay, though.
No, it isn't.

 

by biped
3-30-04
They all think that they are the original Brad Schwartz...yet they are only clones of Brad Schwartz...
I am Brad Schwartz.
I am Brad Schwartz.
...and thus, they have no legal rights and can be hunted for sport or pitted against each other in horrifying death matches...
I am Brad Schwartz.
I am Brad Schwartz.
...or they can simply be left alone to continue vainly asserting that they are Brad Schwartz...
I am Brad Schwartz.
I am Brad Schwartz.

 

by biped
3-31-04
In the post-apocalyptic wasteland of the near future, Jeff is troubled about his failed suicide attempt...
I don't know how I could have survived...the nail went right into my head...
So you didn't do it right the first time. Get the hammer.
Okay. What now?
Just hit the nail a lot harder this time. Hammer it in real deep so it fucks up your brain.
OW!! OW!! It HURTS so TERRIBLY!!
You talk too much. Concentrate better on dying, and this time really die.

 

by biped
3-31-04
HEE HAW!!! ME DOG ON BALL!!!
What the f --
DOG ON BALL, THAT'S ME!!! NOW KISS MY BUTT, SHITFACE!!!
"Dog on ball"? Why, I never --
HEE HAW!!! ME GET CHAINSAW AND KILL YOU WITH IT!!! NOW, SHUT UP!!!
Wha -- he just told me to "shut up." What a bad dog.

 

by biped
4-01-04
Starring Captain Chip as "Himself" and MikeyG as "Professor Foothead"
Hello, there! I'm Captain Chip! What's your name?
I have feet where my ears should be -- I cannot hear the things I see -- and thus your words are naught to me -- and vainly are they spoke by thee.
Well, I'll be! That's the darndest thing I've heard all day!
I see you speak, but hear I can't -- so useless is your silent rant -- a friendly fellow you, I'll grant -- my silly litte sycophant.
Ha-ha, you're funny! Too bad you smell like a dead skunk!
DEAD SKUNK?!! WHY YOU LITTLE -- I mean, hear you I can't --

 

by biped
4-01-04
One day, Honky the Giant Snot-Rag inadvertently burst onto the rap scene...
People blow their noses in me all the time.
Nice meter, dawg...now make it rhyme!
That's why I'm always full of slime.
Damn, that's tight! It oughtta be a crime!
Um...er...I think I'll become the first snot-rag mime.
Whoa, hol' up now...you lost me that time.

 

by biped
4-02-04
We're looking for dead dogs to play with.
Yeah! I like to set 'em on fire!
I like to put explosives in them and blow them up in Taco Bell parking lots.
I like to throw 'em off freeway overpasses onto speeding cars!
I like to diaper them, put them in a stroller, and wheel them around the mall so people will be horrified.
I like to put 'em in bed with Gramps and Meemaw!

 

by biped
4-02-04
I found the following negative comment about me on my info page. I have chosen Goo-Goo and Dog On Ball to dramatize my response.
(quote) "I'll rate you good when you kiss up to me -MikeyG" (unquote)
HI, GOO-GOO!!! BEEP-BEEP!!! ME DOG ON BALL!!!
No, Dog On Ball -- I'm supposed to be "MikeyG" in this story, and you're supposed to be "biped."
OH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOOK, ME BIPED!!! GRRRR!!! BEEP-BEEP!!!
Okay -- and now you're supposed to respond to the negative comment. What do you think that "biped" would say?
BIPED SAY, "HEE HAW!!! ME GET CHAINSAW AND KILL YOU WITH IT!!! BOO-BOO POODLY-DOO!!! WOOF, WOOF!!!"

 

by biped
4-02-04
One
HEE HAW!!! ME DOG ON BILL!!! Oh, fuck...
"Bill"? Who's Bill? LOL!!!
Two
No, Dog On Ball -- in this story, I'm supposed to be --
BEEP-BEEP!!! GRRR!!! BOO-BOO POODLY -- oh, I'm sorry, Linda -- I stepped on your fucking line again...
Three
HEE HAW!!! ME GET CHAINSAW AND...um...and...shit, your fucking tits keep distracting me!
***GASP***!!! I FEEL VIOLATED!!!

 

by biped
4-03-04
Imagine a bouncy little tune...the bunny rabbit's voice is world-weary...the hungry Christmas icons sound perversely jovial...
I'm a nice rabbit, and I don't know why
I think I'll shove an icepick in your eye!
I don't know why, I have to die
Toss ya in the skillet, and yodel while ya fry!
Pop Tarts, poodle poop, puppies in a pie
Mmm-boy! Yummy-yum! My, oh, my!

 

by biped
4-03-04
NARRATOR: Today's poem..."Dairy Maid, Monster Suckler."
Down the street, and up the block...near the solid waste processing plant...lives a little girl named Dairy Maid...who smells like Cary Grant.
Her dreams are filled with bovine love...of cows in torrid, tongue-swept smooches...swapping cud with swarthy farmers...'midst droppings left by bitter pooches.
NARRATOR: I get to do a verse in the next panel...
And when the sun bursts through the clouds...and shines its rays upon her hump...then Dairy Maid jumps up and down...upon the corpse of Forrest Gump.
The bloody corpse of Forrest Gump...the rotting, oozing, rancid corpse...that Dairy Maid shines heat lamps on...until it shrivels, pops, and warps.
NARRATOR: (ahem) But as the cows in lip-lock swoon...their teats unmilked, as passion mounts...she dreams of Carrot Top's "equipment"...on which she'd like to jump and pounce.
Milk, and cheese, and chicken eggs...Milton Berle, and Seth Green's legs...the smell of Raymond Burr's behind...go swirling through her fevered mind.
And now the farmers and the cows...have mutant children in their lust...which Dairy Maid will volunteer...to suckle with her ample bust.

 

by biped
4-04-04
Rhonda doesn't remember much about last night's party...
Hey, Floyd...does this look like snot or jizz to you?
Hmm...looks like snot...hard to tell, though...
*smack* *smack* Yep...tastes like snot, too!
That's what I thought at first...but wait until the tangy aftertaste kicks in...

 

by biped
4-04-04
RRR-III-NNNG!!!
MORAL: Mom's Civil War figurines from the Franklin Mint cannot answer the phone for you.
RRR-III-NNNG!!!

 

by biped
4-04-04
RRR-III-NNNG!!!
AAARRRGGGHHH!!!! The sonic waves from the ringing phone snapped my spinal cord!!!
RRR-III-NNNG!!!
ULP...the sonic waves from the ringing phone are now arousing me sexually.
RRR-III-NNNG!!!
GRRR!!! THE SONIC WAVES FROM THE RINGING PHONE ARE NOW PISSING ME OFF!!! KILL!!! KILL!!! KILL!!!

 

by biped
4-04-04
Edna? Are you there? Edna?
Ralph? Is that you?
Edna? Where are you? Edna!!!
Ralph? I can hear you, but I can't see you! Ralph!!!
MORAL: speaker phones should not be retro-designed to look like rotary phones.
EDNAAA!!! EDNAAAAAAA!!!
RAAALPH!!! RAAAALLLPPHHH!!!!

 

by biped
4-05-04
Monologue
And now...HEEEERE'S...DOG ON BALL!!!
HEE HAW!!! ME JUST FLY IN FROM VEGAS!!! BOY, ME ARMS TIRED!!! BEEP-BEEP!!!
First guest -- Ridley Scott
Well, Dog On Ball...I consider my latest directorial effort to be a distinct stylistic departure from --
MEOW!!! ME LIKE HOPALONG CASSIDY MOVIES!!! WHO AM YOU, BUTTFACE? GRRRR!!!
Second guest -- actor Billy Zane
...so, right after Jim Cameron yelled "cut", I said to Kate Winslet, "Kate" --
HEE HAW!!! ME GET CHAINSAW AND KILL YOU WITH IT!!! VROOM-VROOM!!! ME RACE CAR!!!

 

by biped
4-05-04
Zeus! I'm bored!
Are you kidding? We're on Mt. Olympus! We have everything.
Fun, Zeus, I want to do something fun! Tell me, what do you do for fun?
Hmmm...

 

by biped
4-05-04
I just saw "Superman." They should've called it "Super-Butthole."
Your shit stinks, Timmy.
"Braveheart"? More like "Brainfart."
More like "Timmy's a fag."
The title? "Lord of the Rings." My reaction? "Bored With This Movie."
Mom caught Timmy jerking off in the bathroom yesterday.

 

by biped
4-05-04
Now with ROBOTS!
Dat's right, Andy...you gives me fo' hunnut dollahs, and I'll sells you dis here gen-yoo-ine indivisible mink stole so's you can git in good wiff yo girlfren again...
Hmm...dat souns lahk a real good deal, alright...I'll take it, Kingfish.
You mean da Kingfish done swindled me again, Amos? Holy mackul, I's resgusted.
Ah'm afraid so, Andy...and dis sho is a dirty low-down scheme, even fo' de Kingfish.
Now hole on dere, Andy...ain't no need for you to get all indignified and go pugilatin' on me...here, I'll throw dis bona-fried see-through hyena-skin coat inta de bargain...
Well, now you talkin', Kingfish! My gal is sho gone be extry sweet on me when she see dis.

 

by biped
4-05-04
Zeus! I'm bored!
Are you kidding? We're on Mt. Olympus! We have everything.
Fun, Zeus, I want to do something fun! Tell me, what do you do for fun?
Hmmm...
...sometimes, when Hercules is in the midst of having anal intercourse with a woman, I turn her into your mom.

 

by biped
4-06-04
1. Picnicking in the Grand Canyon
Since you've already eaten, I suppose there's no point in telling you that I pee-peed in the potato salad.
2. Buying a souvenier T-shirt in France
Oui, monsieur?
Yeah, um...do you have one that says "Frogs are big, fat, cock-slurping fags"?
3. Seeking fashion advice in Afghanistan
Excuse me, sir -- does this sports bra make my titties stick out too much?

 

by biped
4-06-04
Here is the true story that inspired the hit song, "Billy, Don't Be A Hero" by Bo Donaldson and the Heywoods.
Billy, don't be a hero. Don't be a fool with your life.
Okay. Anybody seen my new issue of "Juggs"?
Billy, don't be a hero. Come back and make me your wife.
Sounds like a plan. Anybody? I haven't even jacked off to it yet.
And as he started to go, she said:
Billy, keep your head low. Oh...oh, Billy, don't be a hero. Come back to me.
Cool, um...March issue? Barbie Bigguns cover pic?

 

by biped
4-06-04
1. Register a moniker -- 2. Create a "Blabbo" to represent you -- 3. Talk to your online buddies in 3D!
(user: XBOX) I LIKE STUFF WANNA CYBER A/S/L?
(user: grrlpwr14) i liek stil cant beliv jinjur quit teh spis grrls, wut up wit dat yo A/S/L?
(user: sweetypie) Mommy is typing this for me. I am only five. Would you like to be my online buddy?
(user: FUK-Q) LOOK HOW BIG MY ROBOT DICK IS -- WOULD YOU LIKE TO SUCK MY ROBOT DICK -- PRESS 4 NOW
(user FUK-Q has been banned)
(user: divinedarkness) are you into goth? fuck im so depressed...i think i'll get another piercing at the mall tomorrow...Samael willing, of course...lol...
(user: pAr/T/dUdE/849329) A/S/L DO U LIK TEH NU DUK NUKEM IT LIK FUKEN ROX!!!??!

 

by biped
4-06-04
This is the silly song, the silly song, the silly song -- this is the silly song, it makes no sense at all.
He's broken through the perimeter!!! We need back-up -- NOW!!!
It has no start, it has no end -- in fact, it has no middle -- and if you do not know the words, you simply sing "Hi-diddle-diddle."
There IS no back-up! Everyone's DEAD! GOD HELP US!!!
This is the silly song, the silly song, the silly song -- this is the silly song, it makes no sense at all.
HE WON'T STOP!!! OH MY GOD, HE WON'T STOP UNTIL HE'S SLAUGHTERED US ALL!!!

 

by biped
4-06-04
This is the song that never ends...yes, it goes on and on, my friends...some people started singing it, not knowing what it was...and now they'll go on singing it forever, just because...
...this is the song that never ends...yes, it goes on and on, my friends...some people started singing it, not knowing what it was...and now they'll go on singing it forever, just because...
...this is the song...
Luke, one more word and I swear to god I'll blow your fucking head off.

 

by biped
4-07-04
possums, get off my nutsack.
Dat sounds fly! Now rhyme it, Jack!
I want my Asian girls singing songs back.
Damn, that's tight! You must be on crack!
Jimmy crack corn, and I don't care! Jimmy crack corn, and I don't care!
Yeah! Fuck that cocksucking bastard Jimmy right in his super-gay fucking asshole!

 

by biped
4-07-04
1. The Land of Milk, Honey, and Wolf Pee-Pee
I think I left the water running.
LONG LIVE BIG BROTHER! LONG LIVE BIG BROTHER!
2. The Gorge of Eternal Wolf Pee-Pee
I think I left the toaster oven on.
Mmm......toast. LONG LIVE BIG BROTHER! LONG LIVE BIG BROTHER!
3. Skylab (covered with wolf pee-pee)
I think I left Skippy in his crib with a loaded AK-47 assault rifle.
Who's Skippy? Oh, yeah...the baby. LONG LIVE BIG BROTHER! LONG LIVE BIG BROTHER!

 

by biped
4-07-04
Little Betty ate a pound of aspirin...she got them from the shelf upon the wall...
YUM-YUM! Best candy I ever et!
Betty's mommy wasn't there to save her...she didn't even hear her baby call...
HEY, MOM!!! We got any more of that candy? It sure is -- URK!!!
Dead babies can take care of themselves...dead babies can't take things off the shelves...
What the -- HEY, I'm DEAD! This SUCKS!

 

by biped
4-07-04
Daddy is an agrophile in Texas...
What the hell's an "agrophile"?
What's it to you?
Mommy's on the bar most every night...
Another Harvey Wallbanger, Sheila?
Nope, fourteen's my limit.....NOT!!! HA-HA!!! BURP!!!
Little Betty's sleeping in the graveyard...living there in burgundy and white...
Gee thanks, Mom -- this is perfect. Just freaking PERFECT.

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