All comics by RetardedHistory

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by RetardedHistory
9-09-08
431 BC
Haha, fuck off Persians!
Yeah! Nice work, Sparta. Now after all these years, Greece is finally at at peace.
What are you looking at?
Bring it.

 

by RetardedHistory
9-09-08
We are Catholic! Yeah! Burn the non believers!
Yeah, burn the non-believers! Roman Catholocism is the way to the truth and the light!
Oh look, it's that heathen Martin Luther! What do you want?
[Minor critique of established religious order]
Shortly...
We are Protestants! Yeah! Burn the Catholics!
Yeah, flippin' Catholics!

 

by RetardedHistory
9-09-08
The Kremlin...
Alright your Highness, we need to think conquest. Now, we could march on into Western Europe, the Indus, or maybe even Turkey if we're feeling adventurious.
Actually, I've thought it out, and I'd rather take over Siberia.
......that uninhabitable, uncrossable snowy wasteland just east of us, that has no strategic or practical value?
Yep!
Behond, my new kingdom!
Twat

 

by RetardedHistory
9-09-08
Afghanistan, 13th Century...
I Genghis Khan! I expand this country into my vast empire!
Erm, no you fucking won't. We fight to the last death of the last man.
19th Century...
I'm Lord Elphinstone of the British! This country is mine!
Didn't you hear what happened to the last guy?
21st Century...
The only way we can stop terrorism is controlling this country ourself!
Christ on a bike, don't you people learn?

 

by RetardedHistory
9-09-08
Congratulations, Mr Cromwell! We've defeated the Royalists.
Couldn't have done it without you!
Now that the old autocratic order is out of the way, let's create some liberty! I'm thinking general emancipation of the proletariat, worker's and women's rights....
Uh yeah....that sounds great. Woah, look over there! Is that a Roundhead?
What? I don't see anything
Look out, Ireland! Mwah

 

by RetardedHistory
9-09-08
Okay, Napoleon. We're going to be ultra cool about this and let you live out your days on Elba rather than executing you like we do most enemies.
Much obliged.
Now, you've got to live up to your end of the bargain. You promise not to escape, raise an army and force us into a last stand at Waterloo?
Yep, I promise. (Sucker!)
Sorry?
Nothing

 

by RetardedHistory
9-09-08
Haha, you Greeks will never get Helen back! You can't penetrate the walls of Troy!
Nope, I think you're right Priamos. Have Helen, she wasn't that fit anyway. In fact, we made you this wooden horse just to show no hard feelings.
Too obvious?
Yeah, too obvious. Everyone's seen that Brad Pitt film anyway.

 

No, for the last time, I don't see any logical flaws with my calling slavery a personal freedom!
*Sigh* I'm not going over it again.
by RetardedHistory, 9-17-08

 

by RetardedHistory
9-17-08
Hey, scoop, scoop! You know that MP, John Profumo? He's been having an affair with a showgirl!
Hey, did you hear that a Russian spy is having an affair with a showgirl with the Secretary Of State?
I think I caught the gist of that...
By the morning
Mr Profumo! Is it true you and a Jamaican drug dealer had an affair with a Russian spy while watched by Christine Keeler?
The fuck?

 

by RetardedHistory
9-17-08
...And this new bill of rights will guarantee freedoms for all! I don't know what you're cheering for peasant, get back to work before you're horsewhipped!
Sorry sire
And you woman, who said you could attend this public gathering anyway? Get back to that kitchen!
Sorry, my leige
Go democracy!

 

by RetardedHistory
9-17-08
So right, let's go over this again. What is it you actually want?
We want more democracy! More I tell you!
Um, you were allowed to conduct this public meeting.
Well, we want more voting rights! And the opportunity for our class to enter politics!
You know, many of our members of parliament come from working class backgrounds. They made enough money to-
Oh, shut up with your words! Err.....more democracy! More I demand!

 

by RetardedHistory
10-10-08
Right, so you're absolutely sure you want to call our kingdom the Holy Roman Empire.
Yeah!
Bearing in mind we're right in the heart of Germania, nowhere near Rome, not culturally Italian, constantly at odds with the Pope...
Yeah, what's wrong with that?
What?

 

by RetardedHistory
10-21-08
Here in my noble kingdom of England, a new dawn has arrived! The age of science, the age of technology, the Golden Age where the sky is the limit!
10 miles away...
Oi do declare that this witch be booorned at the stake!

 

by RetardedHistory
10-21-08
British Officer's camp
Hey! *snigger* I had a really, really good idea for a prank. You know how most of our native soldiers are Hindu and Muslim, and you know how Hindus can't eat cows, and Muslims can't eat pork?
Yeah...
Well, we're ordering that new cartridge grease you have to bite to open, why don't we prank those guys and buy some pork and cow grease?
Haha yeah, they'll think that's hilarious!
Thousands of deaths later...
Well, I would have found it funny!
Miserable bastards!

 

by RetardedHistory
10-21-08
And how the Americans treat their negroes! It would make you cry, Horace, honestly.
I know!
They should look to a country like Britain for lessons on how to treat every man with fairness and personal liberty!
Pardon me boss, ah bin working for 35 hours straight, can I 'ave me lunch break now please?
Do you want me to have you whipped again?

 

by RetardedHistory
10-21-08
The Bahamas, 1492
Sorry, Chris mate, quick word?
What is it?
Well...this place, are you sure it's India? It's just that by my bearings, we're nowhere near, what we're on seems to be an island...
Your point being?
And that fella we just passed didn't seem to impressed when you spoke Hindustani, and...
Men! We have a heretic among us!

 

by RetardedHistory
10-21-08
Henry VIII
Okay, the deal now is, I know you've been Catholic for ages, but the Pope won't let me divorce my wife again so you're now Protestant. Convert or I'll torture and burn you.
Mary I
Okay, I know my dad told you you had to be a Protestant, but I'm here now and you have to convert back to Catholicism. Or I'll torture and burn you, of course.
Right....
Elizabeth I
Okay, my sister's gone now, and back to Protestantism for everyone! Or I'll tor-
Oh, FUCK OFF!

 

by RetardedHistory
10-21-08
October 11, 1984
It's like my husband Norman always says, if you don't have a job, don't riot. Just get up, and get on your bike!
Two days later...
You know what's a funny thing, Mrs Tebbit? Irony.
Shut up.

 

by RetardedHistory
10-22-08
Balaclava 1854
Ah, Captain Nolan! Have you got my camera?
Camera, sir? I think it's on charge.
Bah! I told you to charge the battery! I even told you to get the Light Brigade to do it cause I knew you were busy!
Yeah, but by "Tell the Light Brigade to charge the battery" I thought you meant....
Oh, bollocks.

 

by RetardedHistory
10-27-08
King's Cross, 1808
Observe! The power of steam. Hurrah! Now that I have constructed my railway, the transfer of materials will be 50% faster!
Just think...a new age! The age of a country that is mobile, where every man can travel to suit his needs! We are witnessing the dawn of a new age of efficiency, my friend...
200 years later...
And the 2:08 train to Liverpool has been cancelled without replacement. Please fuck off and leave us alone.

 

by RetardedHistory
10-27-08
Meerut 1857
You try to defile our caste by forcing your pig-greased guns on us? Now we shall storm your fort!
Oh, really? Going to SHOOT our defences down, are you?
Yes, I-
*Grins*
Feringhee bastard.
Didn't think about that one, did you?

 

by RetardedHistory
10-27-08
Hail, Aragon, king of Gondor!
Hail Eomer, king of Rohan! Can you believe Sauron's finally vanquished?
Listen...you taking part in Helm's Deep saved Rohan and liberated us from Sauron forever. We're in your debt! Any small favour I can grant, anything at all...
You mean it? Thanks!
20 years later...
Hey Eomer, would it be ok for Gondor to join the Middle Earth Common Market?
Sod off

 

by RetardedHistory
10-28-08
Jersualem 1099
For God!
For Allah!
For a monotheistic faith system! For a moral code that never seems to be in keeping with the age! For chastity, Patriarchy, rigorous prayer!
Wait a minute, those are my ones as well! Word for word! What are we going to fight over now?
Ah, er....oh! We both think Jesus was real and a really religiously significant figure, but only we think he was the Son of God.
Oh yeah! Let's do this, infidel.

 

by RetardedHistory
11-12-08
That's it! You're excommunicated!
You can't excommunicate me! I excommunicate you!
I got you first!
No, I got you first!
Fine. I excommunicate you TIMES INFINITY!
Mum!

 

by RetardedHistory
11-12-08
Anywhere else in the world
...at the onset of the revolt, Private Smith got shited off his face on weed, attacked an officer and got hung.
Ha ha, what a tit.
India
Ok class, we're now going to talk about Mangal Pandey, one of India's greatest heroes...

 

by RetardedHistory
11-12-08
Ok, good show for this week lads! Let's see: we've killed fifteen innocent men...
Kidnapped four pregnant women, and terrorised every Catholic community from here to Belfast. What else did we have to do?
I think we were supposed to pick a name.
Oh right, yeah! How about Ulster Freedom Fighters?

 

by RetardedHistory
11-16-08
This is Theodore Smythe, reporting. Hong Xiuquan's revolt against the Chinese emperor has no sign of ending.
When asked for comment, the Heavenly King (whose sanity has been questioned) replied "Hibble gibble wib wib."
Manchu emperor Xianfeng replied, "I concur with this statement entirely. And I would also like to add, friggle miggle gumgum piggle."

 

by RetardedHistory
11-19-08
Good morning, James!
Good morning, Mr President. Thinking about the South again?
Indeed. I do hate it, Kentucky boy I may be. Their slavery shames our nation! I wish there was some way to get rid of them once and for all!
Well it's interesting you say that. I was talking to Jeff Davis the other day, and there's been some talk of succession...
Succession? WHAT? Rally the troops!
*Sigh*

 

by RetardedHistory
8-02-10
Look Ms Meyer...me, Randall, Mr Barlow, Annie Wilkes, Christine, Cujo and Henry Bowers all think you should stop writing those books of yours. They're not very good.
Well, what if I don't?
...I'm sure I don't need to tell you what some of the most diabolic characters in 20th century literature could dream up.
I have no idea.
Oh, sorry...I forgot you're totally devoid of imagination and creative vision.

 

by RetardedHistory
8-02-10
So, let's run through this again. I'm not a SLAVE...to a person. I'm owned by the land. The land is my master
Well, the owner of the land, but yeah. The land rules you.
So, if I have a labour dispute, I discuss it with the land? I talk to the soil?
You'd be a serf. Serfs don't have labour issues. They get whipped.
Whipped by the land??
No, by...let's go over this again.

 

by RetardedHistory
8-02-10
This is it, my king! We stand at the gateway of the Steppes, ready to make all of Europe tremble! Soon the infidels will bow to us!
Right, Europe, yeah...I don't know, Temaka, you ever get the feeling you can't be arsed?
You c...you can't be arsed? Might Khan, you cannot stall our empire's inevitable progress on the grounds that you can't be arsed! Europe must be seized! Virgins raped! Territories conquered!
Mehhh...do we have to? I mean, really?
But it will lead to ruination of our mighty empire! We must expand westwards! It is our destiny!
Mehhh....

 

by RetardedHistory
8-03-10
Sir Roland has been killed in Judea
Ah, St Peter! I think you'll find my name on the list.
Ah, good lad! So, you've turned the other cheek, let him without sin cast the first stone, done unto others as they should do onto you, all that stuff?
Well...not exactly. But I DID strike down the enemies of Christ with my holy blade, persecute and eliminate the infidels in the Holy Land and recapture Jerusalem for our Father in a river of blood.
Uh...I see.
The bastards always get you on the fine print.
It's unfair, is what it is.

 

by RetardedHistory
8-03-10
Hey, Bill. You ever wonder what guys like us must do on the plains? Ridin' around, months on end lookin' for bandits and game? No women for a hundred miles?
Er...Not really, Dale.
It involves anal sex, Bill-
Please, stop. NOW.

 

by RetardedHistory
8-03-10
Me and the ***** rest of the deathheads just want to say that the ******* western imperialist capitalist state is. ***** ** the rich! Burn their **** ** houses!
Okay Mr Killallpigs, I don't see a problem there. You don't have to live in a society you hate. I've arranged for your plane tickets.
In Soviet Russia...
...Look, I KNOW all workers toil in unity here, but I'm a **** ** artist!
Artists work heavy machinery.

 

by RetardedHistory
8-03-10
So, okay. Let's go through the list again. We hate blacks and Catholics, gays and lesbians, gypsies, foreigners, Arabs and Jews.
Arabs and Jews? But they hate each other! Surely we can't hate two enemies?
Why can't you grasp this? We hate EVERYBODY

 

by RetardedHistory
8-03-10
...And I continue to think what we are doing is the best thing for the nation.
After all, what's more in the spirit of freedom and capitalist democracy than a bunch of barely educated rural proles attacking the country's wealthy elite for their social superiority?

 

by RetardedHistory
8-10-10
You have been found guilty of theft, arson, criminal damage and stealing Trevalyan's corn so the young might see the morn!
Oh, God....here it comes!
You will be taken from your grim, cold, rainy and miserable village...
Hanging? Flogging? Life in the clink?
...And taken to a beautiful, sunny paradise where you will remain for your life.

 

by RetardedHistory
8-12-10
...And the natives couldn't stand up, really, against them. A huge, swarthy horde of bearded villains who just wanted more and more gold.
Is this pirates?
No, we're on the 'foundation of Israel' chapter. Keep up!

 

by RetardedHistory
8-13-10
I'll never foget where I was when Kennedy died. I was in a gas station in Nashville and I heard it on the radio. Where were you?
On a grassy knoll, satisfying the orders of my proletarian masters.
I mean, uh, in Reno.

 

by RetardedHistory
8-13-10
Listen, kid...I've crucified people in the Nevada desert, set up my own evil empire in Las Vegas and have killed masses on a fucking WHIM.
Yeah, well I sparkle in the sunlight.
...
Yeah, you know not to mess

 

by RetardedHistory
8-14-10
So, right...you had sex in a darkened room. You then CONTINUED asking "who's there?" when your boyfriend went missing and saying "come on guys, this isn't funny".
Yep.
But it was only after you went upstairs that the deranged killer hacked you to pieces.
That's it. Can I have eternal peace now?
HELL no, I just spent the last half an hour screaming "DON'T GO UP THERE, HE'S HIDING IN THE BATHROOM!" at the TV.

 

by RetardedHistory
8-14-10
Can't we just attack him now? Seriously?
No. And stay still. Wait...
What are we waiting for?
For him to use VATS. Duh.

 

by RetardedHistory
8-14-10
You're firing me?!?! Is this because I gave your daugher a urinary tract infection?
I dont, uh, have a daughter.
Wow, then that night really was a total loss.

 

The Mile High Club: Totally misunderstanding the meaning of 'Aer Lingus'
Oh my!
by RetardedHistory, 8-14-10

 

by RetardedHistory
8-14-10
Captain Ignorant! Thank God you're here! I'm lost and I don't know the way home!
Never fear, citizen, I'll take you home!
That's not what I meant, damnit.

 

by RetardedHistory
8-14-10
After Serbian forces seized the city, the local population was rounded up by groups of soldiers. Many were shot in the back of the head.
Others were tortured by army commanders for hours and left to die in stinking ditches.
Carlsberg doesn't do genocides...

 

by RetardedHistory
8-16-10
Oh, alright Mick?
Dave. So it was you whistling "Islands in the Stream" in the cubicle.
He he, yeah.
Good song.
I would have joined in if I wasn't incredibly fucking freaked out.

 

by RetardedHistory
8-17-10
Oh, uh, hey. I really don't have the rent this month. Been a tough one, ya know?
Hmm.
Well, maybe we could...er...come to (wink) some sort of arrangement instead?
So then she was all like, "I didn't mean harvesting my organs" and *I* was all like, terms of lease, bitch!
Ha ha ha

 

by RetardedHistory
8-19-10
What's going on, Flagg? What are we doing here?
We're going to see an old friend. He's going to teach you how to be a PROPER vampire, not that...thing that you are.
What up Barlow, think you can take Cullen here under your wing?
And so...
...So basically, what you're saying is to AVOID being a preening, sparkly, over emotional bender?
He's got it!

 

by RetardedHistory
8-19-10
So Jane...I'll see you at the weekend.
Yeah. The weekend. *Sigh*
What should happen next? Text or ring to 34343.
Hello, BT? What happens next is Kris Marshall goes back to sitcoms instead of dicking around with these stupid soap opera phone ads.

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