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All comics by funnypony

 

Untitled by funnypony 1-14-03
so what do you want to do? I don't know what do you want to do?	I don't know what do YOU want to do? I don't know...what do YOU want to do?	We could go dancing? Yeah right like you know how to boogey

 

SNL Classic part 1 by funnypony 1-14-03
ding-dong Who is it?	Telegram Telegram? From who?	ding-dong Whose is it?

 

SNL Classic part 2 by funnypony 1-14-03
Um...candygram	...This just in...Landshark sightings throughout the city. Do not open your door for anyone! Candygram...hmmm I wonder if that's from Bob?	ding-dong Who is it?

 

SNL Classic Part 3 by funnypony 1-14-03
Plumber, mam I don't need a plumber	ding-dong Hey are you that Landshark I heard about?	Telegram

 

SNL Classic Part 4 by funnypony 1-14-03
Oh, goody a telegram!	Landshark Ah crap you don't have a telegram

 

Pr0n loving teachers (SFW) part 1 by funnypony 2-11-03
One day at school... One of our teachers brought his computer in for maintenance...	Go to start, documents (just to check), and sure enough - filled with porn.	Teachers need p0rn too.... Yeah, but the real question is "Any good stuff??"

 

Pr0n loving teachers (SFW) part 2 by funnypony 2-11-03
And if so, have you "backed it up" ?	Just mention to the teacher that you had noticed there were some very important files on their computer, so you took the liberty of making backups, just in case. Has, THAT is good. Very good. Excellent!	The thing I was attempting to fix was the network card, so I couldn't make backups (no disks there at the time). His network card is pooched.

 

Pr0n loving teachers (SFW) part 3 by funnypony 2-11-03
But I took a screenshot and saved it on his computer where he wont find it, just in case I get a hold of it again. Then I'll print a copy of his "documents" for all the school to see.	hmmmmmm Tar, it doesn't matter whether or not you actually made a backup of those "important documents". Just TELL him you made a backup.	I see If you want to be really evil, leave a blank DR with "$teacher's backups" sitting out. The point is to make him believe you did it.

 

Pr0n loving teachers (SFW) part 4 by funnypony 2-11-03
make him sweat... Don't EVER reference jsut what those files are, or what you intend to do with them. The idea is to make him sweat. And, for your own sake, no blackmail.	If you intend to turn the pron over to the school, just do it without playing any games. hmmm games	You could listen to Has... OR You could have an extra $200 to take your girlfriend out this weekend.

 

Pr0n loving teachers (SFW) part 5 by funnypony 2-11-03
Bad Jimmy, bad It's not "bad" , it's capitalism.	And if it weren't a felony I'd be advocating it, too. Blackmail is very treacherous, and my advice is to have nothign whatsoever to do with it. Awwww felony, schmelony.	Oooh, Jimmy. You're so tough! < fan, fan, fan > lol wailing

 

Pr0n loving teachers (SFW) part 6 by funnypony 2-11-03
Er, uh, dam.....how do I delete that stuff??	So how will this conclude? Let's take a peek at one scenario... schmelony charges? WT?	Dude whose going to bail me out? Damn that was fun

 

The Trial of the Century Part 1 by funnypony 2-23-03
It all began innocently enough...DK the Eschatological Scribe was minding his own business	When suddenly there was a knocking on the door Police! Open up!	WT? I'm just an old man. Leave me alone.

 

The Trial of the Century Part 2 by funnypony 2-23-03
We are here to bring you in. Now open this door!	Eh? Speak up dang nabbit	The door bursts open and a scuffle ensues

 

The Trial of the Century Part 3 by funnypony 2-23-03
Later at the Men's prison Hey Tarential, I've been wondering where you've been. I got strung up on some bogus computer charges.	Well when I was a youngin' there was no such things as computers. We had to chisel everything on stone tablets. Reverend Jimmy was in here with me but he got off on some technicality. I think he bribed the cops with beer.	Well when I was a youngin' we didn't have beer. We had to suck the juice from nuts and berries. Whatever old man!

 

The Trial of the Century Part 4 by funnypony 2-23-03
Uh, Mr. DKilroy? I am your lawyer.	Lawyer? Why when I was a youngin'--- That's nice Mr. DKilroy, but we need to plan a defense strategy.	What am I being charged with? Oh, that list is too long to go into right now. Let's just say you have obviously led a colorful life.

 

The Trial of the Century Part 5 by funnypony 2-23-03
Weeks later the trial begins... All rise the Honorable Judge Knowitall presiding Man, when do I get my own t.v. show?	Opening statement for the Prosecution Ladies and gentleman of the jury. I intend to prove that the defendant, one Mr. DKilroy is unequivocally guilty of the many crimes for which he is charged. Not the least of which is being shameless! ahhhh	Members of the jury nodding their heads Gasp...ohhhh....ahhhh Look at that old fogey. Of course he did it!

 

The Trial of the Century Part 6 by funnypony 2-23-03
Eh? Speak up dang nabbit!	Opening Statement for the Defense Distinguised members of the jury. I thank you all for being here. I assure you that all the charges so vengefully brought against my client will be shown to be false. ahhhhh	As well as merely a malicious attempt to get a laugh! gasp...look at that old fogey of course he's innocent.

 

The Trial of the Century Part 7 by funnypony 2-23-03
Eh? Speak up dang nabbit!	Prosecutor, please call your first witness I call to the stand Keeper of Tickets	On the charge of shameless butt kissing is it not true that the defendant not only acquired his original title but also asked for another one? Well it's not unhear--

 

The Trial of the Century Part 8 by funnypony 2-23-03
Just yes or no please He did say, "Thank you sir, may I have another?!" And really nobody calls me sir unless they are doing some serious butt smooching.	I have no questions at this time.	I'd like to call Keeper's Keeper to the stand.

 

The Trial of the Century Part 9 by funnypony 2-23-03
From under the witness stand... *thunk* Ouch, sweety bear be careful. Sorry lovey dovey. Did I bang the poor Keeper's head? I'll be more careful.	*cough* Uh, Keeper's Keeper? Yes, um...I'm here	The jury gasps I understand you enjoy your popcorn dripping with buttery goodness and shaken with granules of salty sin? ohhhh....my.....

 

The Trial of the Century Part 10 by funnypony 2-23-03
Licking her fingers... Yes, that is true. And isn't it also true that the defendant, in a shameless attempt to gain your good graces, also partook of this atrocious concoction?	Well he did quote me by saying, ""Gimme salt and butter, I've no shame!" This sentence so perfectly describes both me, and my preference for popcorn, how could I not choose it?"	I have no questions at this time

 

The Trial of the Century Part 11 by funnypony 2-23-03
I'd like to call Dre Wherami to the stand. Mr. Wherami are you not the sole proprietor of Wherami Entertainment? *gulp* yes I am	And are you the person responsible for HUMMMMZAK? Well......yes I am	And isn't it true that the defendant shamelessly requested you to create more of these songs and actually MARKET THEM?!?!? He did say, "I forgot how much I loved the Hum A Long section! When will the complete collection be available???"

 

The Trial of the Century Part 12 by funnypony 2-23-03
I have no questions at this time.	Eh? Speak up dang nabbit!	I'd like to call dambabe32 to the stand. oooh, maybe she can teach me a thing or too...

 

The Trial of the Century Part 13 by funnypony 2-23-03
From under the witness stand Yeah that's right, Dre's been a bad boy. *smooch* Well I will just have to get Mr. Paddle out, now won't I?	*cough* Uh, Ms. dambabe? Yes, um I'm here.	I object! Isn't it true that you are the one responsible for the Poll inquiring about people's watching habits, concerning one highly objectionable t.v. show, The Osbournes?

 

The Trial of the Century Part 14 by funnypony 2-23-03
Certainly Your Honor. Defense council please keep your client in line!	Yes, I just wante--- And isn't it true that the defendant was the first one to admit freely and shamelessly of being addicted to this show?	Well he did say, "It's like a car wreck, I stop and watch, although I know I should pass right by."

 

The Trial of the Century Part 15 by funnypony 2-23-03
I have no questions at this time. mmm, juror #3 is kinda cute...in a JarJar sorta way.	I'd like to call Supertech as my next witness. I have here a statement that you gave and I would like to read it to the court at this time. uh-oh	Quote, "I know we could get Kilroy to go, all we have to do is tell him there's a women's prison there (there is) and he'd go for sure." Are those your words? *gulp* Yes, I said that.

 

The Trial of the Century Part 16 by funnypony 2-24-03
And isn't it true that on at least 2 occasions the defendant has been known to shamelessly seek out entry into these locals for reasons we can only shudder at? Well he said, "Absolutely Super, didn't you ever watch those Women in Prison movies?	He also asked me, "Women's Prison? I'm there...do you know if they're hiring?" I just figured he needed gameful employment. Gameful? Uh, don't you mean gainful?	Uh...sure...whatever... No further questions.

 

The Trial of the Century Part 17 by funnypony 2-24-03
I have no questions at this time.	I'd like to call Darktan to the stand. May I remind you of an incident that happened on the afternoon of Feb. 3rd, 2003. Uh-oh I was never good at the memory game.	You were relating a story about a vehicular mishap that you had been involved in. Please confirm that this is accurate? Yes, that is true.

 

The Trial of the Century Part 18 by funnypony 2-24-03
You said, and I quote, "I got the van stuck in a ditch thanks to the crappy direction of the salesperson I had with me." Are those your words? Yes, that is what I said. Salespeople give crapp---	And did the defendant shamelessly tease you about this horrific and painful incident that left you forever scarred? Well I wouldn't say scarred but I openly wept when he said, "Um DT, I don't think the directions "turn left at the ravine" were to be taken literally."	I have no questions at this time. Eh? Speak up dang nabbit!

 

The Trial of the Century Part 19 by funnypony 2-24-03
Next will the following GoCoG please take the stand? Datababe, TechieChick, and neener13.	The jury is aroused gasp...hubba-hubba ooooh...whistle....woot	Order! Order in my court! mmmmmm

 

The Trial of the Century Part 20 by funnypony 2-24-03
Ladies welcome, and may I say you are all looking particularly fetching today. Now I direct your attention to the defendant sitting there. someone grab my cane, I've got some smacking to do	And a conversation that took place on the morning of Feb. 19th of this year. Ms. Babe would you be so kind as to tell us what you heard? Eh? Whaddyou say?	{louder} What did you hear the defendant say? He wanted to know, "Who's idea was it to give them the vote?" I'll give him the vote! Where is my cane? {starts to get up}

 

The Trial of the Century Part 21 by funnypony 2-24-03
Sit down Ms. Babe! {banging gavel} Order! Oooooh something shiney...	Okay, now Ms. Chick please grace the court with the statement that you heard. He said and I quote, "check the kitchen, and can you all bring us another beer when you do?" I'll give him a beer. Right in his beh---	That's fine. Thank you Ms. Chick mumbleIllgetyouabeer

 

The Trial of the Century Part 22 by funnypony 2-24-03
Now Ms. 13, please tell us what you heard. I'd rather not repeat it. It is really very distasteful.	I understand that, but the jury must hear the truth. I don't think they can handle the truth!	Be that as it may you don't want to be considered a hostile witness, do you? Well if you put it that way. He said, "Instead of Vegas, I think a more useful weekend would be at Bed Bath & Beyond. Or the home Electronics Show in Chicago this spring." Must I go on?

 

The Trial of the Century Part 23 by funnypony 2-24-03
Yes, you are under oath. Now please continue. Well then he said, "I hear Hoover is releasing a new line of vacuum cleaners and there are always dishwashers to oogle." {sobbing} See what I mean?	Yes, I understand now Ms. 13 and I apologize for putting you through this. I would like the testimony to show that the defendant shamelessly flaunts his manhood. {sob}	I have no questions at this time.

 

The Trial of the Century Part 24 by funnypony 2-24-03
Next will Mr. Nick Burns please take the stand. Mr. Burns I understand you are a happily married man. Correct? {foolish grin}	Mr. Burns you will need to make a verbal reply. Yes, oh yes!	And your wife is completely faithful? Yes, oh yes!

 

The Trial of the Century Part 25 by funnypony 2-24-03
But isn't it true Mr. Burns that your wife was found having a tete-a-tete with the defendant on the afternoon of Feb. 9, 2003? Oh, I was there too.	The jury is piqued gasp...ohhhh...ahhh whisper...whisper	Well Mr. Burns be that as it may did the defendant not try to shamelessly lure your wife into some kind of pantomime of a rumble in the jungle? Well he did say, "I don't mind having to wave the giant palm leaf fan, but I draw the line at wearing the Cabana Boy costume again." but I don't thi--

 

The Trial of the Century Part 26 by funnypony 2-24-03
That is all Mr. Burns. I have no questions at this time.	I now call The Silver Brumby to the stand.	From under the witness stand Ohhhh baby let me sing you a song. {smooch} No snookums {smooch} let me sing YOU a song.

 

The Trial of the Century Part 27 by funnypony 2-24-03
*cough* Uh, The Silver Brumby? Yes, um I'm here.	I understand that you believe Gandalf can take Yoda in a one-on-one? {snort} Well yeah-he is a wizard after all. Not a muppet.	And you can testify that the defendant shamelessly disagrees? Definitely! He said right out loud, "I think we should remove Dre's poll option for even suggesting otherwise."

 

The Trial of the Century Part 28 by funnypony 2-24-03
I have no questions at this time. They are in cahoots. Someone grab my cane, I've got some smacking to do. {lunging for the witness stand}	The jury is horrified gasp...scream ack...cry	Order! Order in the court! OK we'll take a 15 minute recess at this time. I suggest you get your client his meds.

 

The Trial of the Century Part 29 by funnypony 2-24-03
The trial resumes I call now to the stand, Teamdest. So I understand you are a fan of Sandra Dee, the fictional virgin from film and stage? {glancing around nervously} Well sure. She's hot and everything.	And her role reversal in the controversial film, Grease, was quite disturbing to you was it not? {gulping} It's just that she didn't need to. I mean she looked too slutty at the end. She was better pure.	And what was the defendants shameless reaction to that? {sniffing} He shouted, "You take that back!!"

 

The Trial of the Century Part 30 by funnypony 2-24-03
Let me guess, you have no questions at this time. That is correct, Your Honor.	I call Mr. Pseudomarty next please. You are quite a punster aren't you? Dare I say an expert in the field? {chuckles} Well I do what I can.	So you would be a good judge of what constitutes a pure pun and just a cheap knock-off? Well I have been referred to as the Punmeister.

 

The Trial of the Century Part 31 by funnypony 2-24-03
So will you please tell the court what the defendant said to you in a shameless display of mimicry, following the incredible delivery of your wit? {frowning} Why yes, he said, "I'm a-polled over your bad puns Marty. Someone stop me before I pun again." And I completely agree. The man should be pun-ished.	The jury was appalled groan groan	I object! On what grounds?

 

The Trial of the Century Part 32 by funnypony 2-24-03
On the grounds that this witness is a pundit! Well yes Your Honor, of course he is. That's why he was called as an expert on puns.	Overruled! Fine then I have one question for Mr. Marty.	How much wood would a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood? How would I know? No pun intended.

 

The Trial of the Century Part 33 by funnypony 2-24-03
I object! He is not an expert in tongue twisters. Sustained. Any more questions?	Not at this time.	I now call Force 10 as my next witness. I understand you were an unfortunate participant in a discussion about gargling? It was not voluntary.

 

The Trial of the Century Part 34 by funnypony 2-24-03
And please tell the court what the defendant claimed as his shameless skill. He said, "I can gargle 'Birthday' by the Beatles."	The jury is mortified gasp...scream oh my...oh my	Order! Please let us contain ourselves. I have no questions at this time.

 

The Trial of the Century Part 35 by funnypony 2-24-03
I wish to call my next witness, Google. So Mr....Miss...Ms....a Google what can you tell us about the defendant? Sorry, Google doesn't know enough about dkilroy yet.	I'd like to know where I can go to find the best deal on hotels in Scandinavia and also the name of that pervy looking elf in Lord of the Rings, The Two Towers? Results 1 - 10 of about 6,650 best chance of match www.bluebookski.com/bluebook/Scandinavia_Geilo.htm and Erethon, Naith Lieutenant, which yields 157 results.	I object. Relevancy?

 

The Trial of the Century Part 36 by funnypony 2-24-03
Suddenly a shout erupts from the audience Hey, I resemble that remark! Objection sustained! Sit down sir, I don't care how famous you are. I will have no disruptions in my court room. There will be no quarter given for celebrity status!	But I'm right. You can't deny that I'm right. You may step down Google.	Will Mr. Hasufin please take the stand? Where were you the morning of Feb. 14th, 2003? I was at my computer reading the Chronicles and stroking my cat. I'd just given him a bath.

 

The Trial of the Century Part 37 by funnypony 2-24-03
And will you now tell the court just what you witnessed? It was the most shameless attempt at making a joke that I've ever seen. I mean really, he was throwing out things like, "How do you make a Venetian Blind? Pok'em in the eye."	And "What's black, evil, and wears a cowboy hat? Garth Vader." {sigh} I have no questions at this time.	I'd like to call Woodman to the stand. Mr. Woodman is it true that you became caught up in a heated bidding war for a bottle of questionable cologne? Yes, that is true sir.

 

The Trial of the Century Part 38 by funnypony 2-24-03
And that you were merely bidding on behalf of a friend? Yes, she wanted the stuff as a gift. I of course do not wear the aforementioned cologne.	But the defendant, does he shamelessly admit to wearing this discontinued and somewhat repugnant fragrance? He most certainly does. He refused to back down on the bidding, exclaiming rather loudly, "Heywaitaminute, I still wear Hai Karate."	I have no questions at this time. Eh? Speak up dang nabbit!

 

The Trial of the Century Part 39 by funnypony 2-24-03
As my next witness I would like to call on Ms. Tanja. You are the Ruler of the Undead, is this correct? Yes, they answer to me.	And because of this status I understand that you got into a disagreement with the defendant? Well I wouldn't call it a disagr---	Please just answer the question, yes or no.

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