All comics by Scyess

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by Scyess
8-01-02
You are watching Turner Network Television. And now, a message from an undiscosed location.
Thanks, Chuck. I'm here with in a battery of nuclear missiles, which we will use to blow up the moon and hurl Earth into space unless you watch our programs!
And now, just for spite, we are going to play the same episode of "Kung Fu" for 168 straight hours. Don't touch that dial! Or else.
I think "sweeps week" has gotten a bit out of hand.

 

by Scyess
8-01-02
I went to a gay bar the other night.
Uuhhh, why?
Well, it wasn't on purpose. No one told me "The Pink Leather Lounge" was a gay bar.
What did you expect with a name like that? A strip club for pink cows?
Well...
Ah... nevermind.

 

by Scyess
8-01-02
I went to a gay bar the other night.
Uuhhh, why?
Well, it wasn't on purpose. No one told me "The Pink Leather Lounge" was a gay bar.
What did you expect with a name like that? A strip club for pink cows?
Well...
Actually, Jim, I'd rather you didn't answer that last question.

 

by Scyess
8-01-02
...and there's all the golf you could ever want to play, and seven different golf channels on TV there. There are plenty of all-you-can eat Welsh restaraunts, and country line-dancing.
You can always find some easy listening on the radio, or piped into one of the 40 multi-level shopping malls. You can get on a guided tour bus, or play some league shuffleboard.
Wow, I thought it would be bad, but that... Damn!
Yeah, and that's only the THIRD level of Hell. Now when you get to the 4th...

 

by Scyess
8-01-02
Okay, Jon. Please come down from the attic now. I'm sorry I said if you were a real man, you'd have a car.
What about the other thing?
Yes, and I'm sorry I said you had a dumb haircut.
No, the OTHER other thing.
Oh, and I'm sorry I said I was going to rip out your spine, beat you to death with it, fuck your remains, feed them to wolverines, and when they finally shit you out launch you into the sun.
...and what about the part about skinning my family and turning them into a trampoline?

 

by Scyess
8-01-02
What they say...
I really don't care where we go to eat.
I really don't care where we go to eat, either.
What they mean...
I really don't care where we go to eat.
I want to go to a very specific restaraunt, but I'm not going to tell you because for some reason I expect you to be able to read my mind.
The result...
Okay, we've driven around for 3 hours and finally chosen this place. Let's just friggin' eat already.
Well, it's not as good as the place *I* wanted, but I guess if YOU like it we'll eat where YOU want to... AGAIN.

 

by Scyess
8-02-02
Hi. Can I help you?
Yep. I want to send a boquet to a very special someone.
Gee, you know, we don't really do that here at the Humane Society. Maybe you should try a florist.
I did, but the florist said I should try here if I wanted a bouquet of mutilated kittens.
Dammit, I wish they'd stop letting divorcés in here.

 

by Scyess
8-05-02
I'm going to buy some more Band-Aids. I hate it when I run out and then get a cut; I have to stem the blood flow with toilet paper.
Hm... I'll bet it would be even worse if you took a shit while out of toilet paper and had to use Band-Aids.
Uh, while I'm out I think I'll also buy a few dozen more rolls of toilet paper.
Or if you had to use celery! That'd be even worse.

 

by Scyess
8-05-02
I've got bad news, Tataki. According to these calculations, we only have two seconds until the universe as we know it ends!
Wow, I think you need to turn down the brightness on your pager light.
Sorry.

 

by Scyess
8-05-02
Damn cops gotta park right outside the bar.
Although this one seems to have gone away left the engine running.
Five Hours and One Tank of Gas Later
Perhaps you've never seen our "Don't Drink and Drive" ad campaign.
It wasn't so much driving so much as grand theft auto. I only mention that because I notice you don't have a gun, and I do...

 

by Scyess
8-05-02
What's this sign on this robot? "Warning: DO NOT Toggle Lever More than 50 Times."
hhmmm...
No way do I believe you could get 12 handjobs in a week.
No, it's easy! Just get some cardboard and a marker...

 

by Scyess
8-06-02
*squeak*
He's so cute... I don't care if the sign said not to feed him after midnight; one piece of bread couldn't hurt.
HAHAHAHA!!! You have released me from my prison in that squirrel body! I will now reward you with soul-rending demonic torture!
Oh, God, NO! What will you do to me?!
...and I like to call this next little number "Moon River." And a-one, and a-two, and a-...
My God... the horror...

 

by Scyess
8-06-02
Hm... this plaque has really fine print. "WARNING: Do not operate device while drowsy or under the influence of alcohol. Do not use underwater. Do not slam door on fingers.
Do not belch at dinner parties. Do not run with scissors. Do not get shit-faced and take home some diseased skank that you think looks like Milla Jovovich because you're so trashed.
Gee, Doc, do you think all this is really necessary? What the heck does this device do?
Actually, it just makes a "fap fap fap" sound, but the lawyers insisted.

 

by Scyess
8-06-02
So what's this big secret you found out about Earl?
Oh, it's juicy! Did you know Earl, um, "plays the other side of the fence?"
Really? You mean he "Putts from the rough?"
Yes, he "knocks his balls against the manhole."
Wow, who would have though Earl is gay?
He's GAY? Wow, that's a lot juicier than my secret about his lousy golf game.

 

by Scyess
8-07-02
Um, hi, I don't normally do this, but you looked charming from across the park, and I...
-- Hold that thought.
How about it, Emma? Overused line, but fresh breath. Hair's a bit out of style.
He has a nice face, but no chest. His clothes are way out of style. Maybe a 4? 4.5 if you twist my arm.
Uh, nevermind...
Ha! I'd say 4 is generous. Just check out those shoes!

 

by Scyess
8-07-02
Dammit, Cowdjinn, my life is like a big, black void.
No, actually I'd say you're life is more like a poorly drawn bear in the ocean.
Hi!
Uh, how is my life like that again?
Actually, it isn't, but I thought it'd be a more interesting middle panel than a black void.

 

by Scyess
8-08-02
Are you sure this is the right place?
Of course! Why do you ask?
Well, it's small, and there's no... OH, MY GOD! WHAT ARE THOSE PEOPLE DOING?
They're starting the show. What did you expect?
What the hell kind of Ice Capades did you buy tickets for?
Ice Capades? I told you I was taking you to the Ass Capades. Oh, and I went ahead and entered your name in the drawing for the half-time half-court shot.

 

by Scyess
8-08-02
My God! You've never seen Blue Velvet? What the hell do you do with your evenings??
Well, when I'm not innovating lucrative, award-winning inventions, I like to go to a celebrity party or windsurfing.
I also enjoy exploring unmapped regions of the Amazon, or climb mountains previously thought unscalable. Sometimes I just have sex with my girlfriend for 8 hours. Which reminds me... gotta go. Later!
I can't believe he's never seen Blue Velvet. What a loser.

 

by Scyess
8-08-02
Wednesday
Hey, Jon. I'm off. Are you sure you don't want Bova to fix you up with a date?
Nah, I'll just stay here and watch Blue Velvet.
Thursday
We're going to watch evangelists douse themselves in gasoline and attempt to walk through fire protected by their faith alone! Want to come?
Hm... it's tempting, but I think I'd rather watch Blue Velvet.
Friday
Last chance to come with us camping and rafting for the weekend.
Geez... do you actually think I'd REALLY rather do that than watch Blue Velvet?

 

by Scyess
8-08-02
I'm telling you, skydiving would be fun, but why would I bother when I COULD be watching Blue Velvet...
Okay, okay. I'll stay and watch your damned movie. So what's it about, anyway?
Oh... well... ummm, you see, there's this guy... and this other, um...
You've never even seen it, have you?
Well, I heard it was really good!

 

by Scyess
8-08-02
June...
...has just found that WorldCom lied about $3.85 BILLION dollars in income on its balance sheet. The stock fell faster than an executive from a ledge.
Today...
...has just found that WorldCom fudged ANOTHER $3.3 billion dollars in income they never had. Their former investors were rigorously spanked.
Eventually...
...have discovered that WorldCom never actually had any income, but was funded entirely by three widows with "no limit" Visa Platinum cards...
My "wadded up bills in a coffee can" investment scheme is looking better every day.

 

by Scyess
8-08-02
Hey, great news! over the last three days the Dow Jones industrials have surge of 8%! That's the biggest since 1987 and could signal the start of an economic recovery!
Oh. That's good, I guess.
And it looks like the IMF is going to give Brazil $30 billion, preventing international disaster from loan defaults!
Yeah... great.
Oh, and I was wrong. I think I do kind of like that tie.
Really? ALL RIGHT!! That's AWESOME!!!

 

by Scyess
8-09-02
Oh my God! The pain! It burns! It burns like hell!
It is not possible such fiery suffering can exist!
Burning, crackling, sizzling, popping, mind-blazing PAIN!
Incessant heat penetrates the core of my being!
Red-hot, white-hot, BLUE-hot fiery suffering tortuous burning! Oh, why won't unconsciousness mercifully take me! How it burns!
Man, I hate these hemorrhoid cream ads.

 

by Scyess
8-09-02
I think it's great that you're taking the initiative to quit.
It's a disgusting habit... I'm trying to quit, but it's hard. Every three or four weeks I just can't resist the urge. But I won't give up. You should quit, too.
But I don't smoke.
Smoke? Me either. I'm trying to give up shitting.
What? What the hell... and what do you mean "every three or four WEEKS?"
Please don't yell -- you don't know how much concentration I'm having to exert right now...

 

by Scyess
8-09-02
You can pick your friends...
I like you, Belden. You are my friend.
Ditto, buddy.
...and you can pick your nose...
Hey! What are you doing?
Uh... NOTHING! I just had an itch, that's all.
...until you move in with your girlfriend.
I don't really like that Belden guy.
He's history.

 

by Scyess
8-10-02
I never really liked my current toothpaste, and now that I'm running low, I want to switch brands. Any suggestions?
What you should be concerned about is not the cleanliness of your teeth, my friend, but the cleanliness of YOUR SOUL!
Does that mean whitening? Tartar control? What?
YOU MUST SAVE YOURSELF FROM THE FIERY PITS OF HELL! Gel, taratar control, strictly generic brands.

 

by Scyess
8-12-02
Based on the premise that women have vibrators but men have nothing, I've invented the first auto-stimulation product for men.
Bring it on! I'd love to see it.
GREETINGS, PUNY MORTAL! I AM THE MASTUR-MATE 2000! HOW MAY I MANUALLY STIMULATE YOUR FRAGILE MALE PARTS?
AAAAAAAHHHH!!!
I can't figure out why my test subjects keep fleeing like that.
PERHAPS MAKING SEX TOYS OUT OF SURPLUS MILITARY ANDROIDS IS NOT SUCH A GOOD IDEA AFTER ALL.

 

by Scyess
8-12-02
Um, excuse me, is this the complaint department?
*BZZT* WELCOME TO THE COMPLAINT DEPARTMENT MAY I HELP YOU
Yes, well, this toaster I bought the othe day seems to be --
*BZZT* WELCOME TO THE COMPLAINT DEPARTMENT MAY I HELP YOU
The new complaint department is less cordial, but it looks like the results will be about the same.
*BZZT* WELCOME TO THE COMPLAINT DEPARTMENT MAY I HELP YOU

 

by Scyess
8-12-02
I hate that customers have been dehumanized to the point of automating even the most fundimental interaction.
*BZZT* WELCOME TO THE COMPLAINT DEPARTMENT MAY I HELP YOU
I refuse to accpet this! I will be heard, oh, yes... no matter how far I have to go!
*BZZT* WELCOME TO THE COMPLAINT DEPARTMENT MAY I HELP YOU
*BZZT* WELCOME TO THE MANAGEMENT OFFICE I AM THE MANAGER MAY I HELP YOU *BZZT* WELCOME TO THE MANAGMENT...

 

by Scyess
8-13-02
Dammit! I'm sick of being given the run around by the store about their crappy products.
I'm going to call the manufacturer and give them a piece of my mind.
*RING* HELLO THANK YOU FOR CALLING TECH SUPPORT WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE PROBLEM I SEE I THINK THE PROBLEM MUST BE ON YOUR END *RING* HELLO THANK YOU FOR CALLING TECH SUPPORT WHAT...

 

by Scyess
8-13-02
**RING RING**
Dammit, those corporate assholes are going to blow a gasket when they read that scathing complaint letter about their service!
Hello?
Hi! We here at Company Corp. just got your e-mail! We're terribly sorry about the service you've been getting! A full refund will be automatically applied to your credit card.
Haha! Just kidding. I think we all know what actually happened...
throw exception( message ); type=e-mail; subtype=customer; classification=complaint; action=delete;

 

by Scyess
8-13-02
11:36 am
If they won't take my complaints, I'll just come down to the company and bitch at them in person.
*BZZT* WELCOME TO COMPANY CORP PLEASE PLACE EYES TO RETINAL SCANNER FOR ADMITTANCE
11:39 am
Is it okay to blink? This is painful... how long am I supposed to do this? Is it even working?
*BZZT* WELCOME TO COMPANY CORP PLEASE PLACE EYES TO RETINAL SCANNER FOR ADMITTANCE
11:40 am
Goddammit! This hurts!
*BZZT* ERROR PLEASE START OVER *BZZT* WELCOME TO COMPANY CORP PLEASE PLACE EYES TO RETINAL SCANNER FOR ADMITTANCE *BZZT* WELCOME TO COMPANY...

 

by Scyess
8-13-02
DAMMIT! These bastards have done their best to make sure I can't talk to anyone at this fucking company...
*BZZT* WELCOME TO COMPANY CORP PLEASE PLACE EYES TO RETINAL SCANNER FOR ADMITTANCE
*sigh* I am quickly running out of options. Unless...
*BZZT* WELCOME TO COMPANY CORP PLEASE PLACE EYES TO RETINAL SCANNER FOR ADMITTANCE
Sir... there appears to be a woman removing her clothing in the parking lot.
Really? Uh, meeting adjourned! I just remembered some urgent documents I left in the car...

 

by Scyess
8-13-02
*pant pant* Hey... I ran all the way here! Why aren't you naked?
I only took my clothes off to lure you out here. Now that you're here I'm going to kick your testicles out through your nostrils.
Okay, I'll just have my secretary pencil you in for that...
Good... I can cave in the secretary's skull and then boot his balls to Jupiter.
*BZZT* WELCOME TO THE SCHEDULING DEPARTMENT MAY I HELP YOU *BZZT* WELCOME TO THE SCHEDULING DEPARTMENT MAY I HELP YOU *BZZT* WELCOME TO THE SCHEDULING DEPARTMENT...

 

by Scyess
8-13-02
***~~BOOM!~~***
*BZZT* WELCOME TO THE SCHEDULING DEPARTMENT MAY I HELP YOU *BZZT* WELCOME TO THE SCHEDULING DEPARTMENT MAY I HELP YOU *BZZT* WELCOME TO THE SCHEDULING...
I guess citizens of the 21st century are doomed to suffer impersonal, mechanized "service." What was that booming sound?
Yyyeeeeeaaaaaaaaaa!!!
Have no fear, dear damsel in distress! For Launches-Fish-out-of-a-Cannon Man is here!
Then again, there are things that are worse than impersonal service...

 

by Scyess
8-13-02
What? What's that wierd look about?
It's because I shoot fish out of cannons, isn't it?
...ya think?

 

by Scyess
8-13-02
...so you see, the robot was annoying, but not really threatening. You didn't save my life, or even help my problem. You just destroyed corporate property.
Well, I apologize. I realize I only destroyed the messenger, but I hoped it would at least makes you feel better. Oh, well. I guess I'll just leave. Bye.
heh heh

 

by Scyess
8-14-02
aaa... aaahhh... AAAAAHHH...
ACK! TURN YOUR HEAD! TURN YOUR HEAD!
AAAHH... ACHOOOOO!!!
Sorry about that, Jon. *sniff* Hope I didn't get the cat again.
No, that was the phone. We keep the new cat in an asbestous jumpsuit when you come over.

 

by Scyess
8-14-02
Excuse me, have you got a light?
Sure!
I really meant, "Can you light my cigarette," not "Can you make your penis radiate the holy light of a pantheon of a thousand ancient gods."
Sorry, my mistake.
No problem.

 

by Scyess
8-17-02
Hi, welcome to our office. Would you like a cup of coffee?
Isn't it odd how coffee is the default beverage offered in offices? Woe to the non-coffee drinker who thirsts in corporate America!
I couldn't find any bile, so I just brought this cup of motor oil.
*I* however, like coffee just fine.

 

by Scyess
8-17-02
I don't know why everybody goes around drinking goddamn coffee all the time. What's the big deal about coffee?
Coffee has cultural importance! French soldiers in the trenches during WWII often drank boiled coal because they couldn't get it. That says something about coffee, don't you think?
It certainly does -- as well as something about French people.
Actually, there was plenty of coffee, but they usually burned it for fuel.

 

by Scyess
8-18-02
So, do you enjoy playing on your children's youthful ignorance by telling them ridiculous, outlandish lies because it's "cute" how quickly and gullibly they believe your falsehoods?
Of course not! ...and if you're accusing me of that, you'd better have some proof, mister.
The Easter Bunny brings me chocolates, but I like Santa better because he brings all kinds of stuff to every kid in the whole world on Christmas Eve!
...as I was saying...
You're a right bastard, you know that?

 

by Scyess
8-18-02
Hey, Jon! Your roll of toilet paper is really a roll of sandpaper!
I know! I'm doing my part to help the enviornment by discouraging waste.
That's noble, but you've got about three seconds to bring me some real toilet paper before I fertilize Mother Earth with your remains.
Come on, Tataki! Just think -- what would Ralph Nader do in your situation?
Somehow, I think Mr. Nader would have acted differently.
True, but I didn't think becoming a humiliated political figure would help in any way towards drying my tush.

 

by Scyess
8-19-02
What's new, Earl?
I've joined a group who espouses hypocracy as a virtue.
Hhmmm... it seems to me that by trying to be a hypocrite, nothing you do could possibly be hypocritical.
I know! Hypocritical, isn't it?
I find myself unable to answer a rhetorical yes/no question.
My work here is done.

 

by Scyess
8-19-02
I can't believe I actually found a 1200 square foot apartment for such a low price. Although this hallway is a bit long.
This isn't a hallway. The apartment is 300 ft. long and 4 ft. wide.
So when do you want to move in?
Actually, I think I'll wait and find a place that takes more advantage of the Pythagorean Theorem.
Oh, don't worry about that. You can decorate in whatever style you like.

 

by Scyess
8-21-02
All right, amigos, we hit el gobernador tonight with 15 men strong! Wait... where's Julio?
He's supposed to be here by now...
*pant* *pant* Here I am! Sorry I'm late, but I kept tripping on this stupid robe!
Uh, Julio, do you really understand what we're here for?
Yeah, this is the "death squad," right? Hey, where's your costume?

 

by Scyess
8-21-02
Hey, it's great seeing you again, Jon! But now I've got to piss like a racehorse! May I...?
Sure, the bathroom is --
Thanks!
AAAHH!! STOP! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?!?!
Uh, sorry, Jon, I thought you said it was okay.
Normally when people say "piss like a racehorse," it means they have to "pee a lot," not "pee while running around in a circle at full speed."

 

by Scyess
8-21-02
Um, my withdrawal was declined at the ATM and I came in to see what was wrong.
Yes, sir. It seems like you've been making withdrawals and not deposits, so we froze your account.
But I should have enough money in there.
True, sir, but that kind of behavior indicates to us that you are secretly trying to take your business to another bank, and we can't have that.
But, I lost my job... I don't have any more money to deposit, but I have to eat...
A likely story. Come back when you've decided to end your illicit relationship with "them." Have a nice day.

 

by Scyess
8-22-02
You might want to slow down... there are "SLOW PEDESTRIAN" signs all over the place.
============THUMP!============
And it looks like those signs are right.
I should never have agreed to ride with a guy who steers with his feet.

 

by Scyess
8-26-02
Oo... my body's aching all the time!
Let me take a look...
Uh, why is there an x-ray machine in our house?
Shh... I'm a professional. Oh my God! No wonder you're in pain! Your inside is all wrong! I'll have to operate immediately!!
Dozens of hours of surgery later...
There! Feeling better!
No... now my body's aching and I have an uncanny desire to eat grass.

Showing page 10.

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